01x02 - The Cheerleader

[bunniefuu]

Out here in the middle, people are straight sh**t. They just say it like it is. Well, I got one of those types in my house as well.

Hell, yeah, you were a mistake.

I mean, we're happy that you're here now, but you were definitely a mistake.

It's funny, 'cause you're not fat, but that skirt sure makes you look fat.

Who told you Scrappy went to a farm?

He's not on a farm. He's dead.

Oh, hey, Dad, I'm trying out for swim team.

Do you want to come watch me swim laps at the pool?

Sounds boring.

Mike.

It does.

Mike.

You saying my name over and over doesn't make it sound less boring.

But sometimes the family needs more than honesty. It needs a cheerleader, and that's me.

You know, Sue, I think what your dad is saying is it sounds like a lot of fun.

The dryer's making that noise again.

Noise again.

What noise? Your dad fixed it.

It's working great now.

Damn thing's on its last legs.

I can't hear the TV.

No, we can't afford a new dryer right now. It's fine.

Did anybody get the mail?

Get more pop.

Axl, come on. Let's go.

Axl had told us he was at church group when he was actually sticking his tongue down some girl's throat at the mall.

So he'd earned himself one of Mike's famous punishments--

For the next two weeks, he had to stay within 5 feet of a parent at all times.

Oh, my God, Mike. It's 2009.

What?! Already?

Yeah, Mike. 2009.

How did this happen?

No payments till 2009.

No payments till 2009.

No payments till 2009.

The economy's gonna be great by then.

Great. Now with interest, we owe $650 on a VCR we sold at the garage sale last year for 2 bucks.

You know what?

It'll be fine.

It's fine.

It'll be fine. We're fine.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

As long as the dryer hangs on and I sell a car this month, we're gonna be fine.

Fortunately, out here, you always have neighbors you can count on...

Hi. Would it be okay if I just threw in a quick dry?

Hi. Hate to bother. Just one more quick load?

And when that fails...

Hello? Hello? I'm hurt, and my mom and dad aren't home.

I'll just do this quick load while you try to find them.

You won't even know I'm here.

So the busted dryer piled on to the whole 2009 thing meant we were gonna have to cut corners fast.

First up, a trip to the Frugal Hoosier, Indiana's number one expired food store.

So are we, like, poor now?

No, we're not poor. We're just thrifty.

We're trying something new called living within our means.

You mean we've been living outside our means?

Oh, God.

You should be thanking me.

Listen, smart consumers-- They're the kids who are popular.

Brick, shake some of those unmarked cans and see if you can find peas. Okay?

We're listening for peas, people.

Hi, Bob.

Frankie, hi. It's me, Bob.

Listen, Ehlert is throwing a major hissy.

He's calling everybody in for some emergency meeting at 1:00.

1:00? Are you kidding me? I was barely making it at 3:00.

Unh-unh. No fish.

You've gotta get in here.

I don't know what it's about, and I'm--I'm just freaking out here.

Okay, I'll call Mike at the quarry and figure something out with the kids.

I'll be there as soon as I can. Just breathe.

Okay, kids, new plan. Gotta get to work early.

But what about the pool?

You promised you'd watch me practice for swim tryouts.

And you said you would take me to the library.

"The Wheel of Nuldoid"--

I have to check it out before anybody else gets it.

You promised.

Promised.

Okay, I know I didn't promise that many things. I'm not that nice.

Listen, we'll swing by the library, and then when your father gets home from work, he'll take you to the pool.

But if you kids ever want to eat name brand food again, I have to get to work.

Come on. Let's move it.

I love this book. I love this book. I love this book.

I hate my life. I hate my life. I ha--

You got 5 feet, mister. Use all of it.

Uh-oh. You have a fine.

Oh, that's no problem. How much?

We're in kind of a hurry.

$189.

You're kidding.

I'm sorry, but there is no way that we can pay that fine right now.

I mean, our dryer just broke, and I haven't sold a car, and it's 2009.

Right. Next in line.

Mom, don't they know who you are?

Flash her your Frugal Hoosier card.

Listen, my son is a very odd kid.

Books are everything to him.

He has no friends.

I'm sorry, but until you pay the fine, you're banned.

Oh... and your library card has been flagged.

Have a nice day.

You know what?

This is a good thing.

Your teacher says you need more social interaction.

And besides, you're not watching enough TV.

You don't want to be the only kid who doesn't know who won "The Bachelor."

Yep, there I was, still cheerleading, from a hole getting so deep I could barely see the sky.

Hey, did you cover for me?

I told them that you had a pregnancy scare on the way in and also that you burst an aneurysm.

You should know that I do not think he bought it.

Curler.

But trailing even the most pathetic of you is our newest employee, Frances Heck.

Her sales record is minus one.

Negative uno vehiculo--

That's mexican for "not good."

Well, you know, there is recession on.

Enough of your Communist whining.

It's always somebody else's fault-- the economy, your mama didn't breast-feed you, the government won't let you marry a houseplant.

Now I want to hear some suggestions to perk up business.

And don't anybody say free mugs.

Well, I'll throw your stragglers a bone.

How about a free AK-47 with every sale?

People love g*ns.

You really want to arm our customers?

Anybody else?

Oh! Here's a thought--

I was just in the Frugal Hoosier, and they have these Ronald Reagan inaugural jelly beans--

50 cents a bag.

How about we fill a car with them and let people guess how many for a prize?

I don't know. Thought it'd be fun.

Hmm. Clever...

Patriotic...

Cheap.

You know, I was gonna fire you right after the meeting, but I think I'll just move that Post-It to next week.

Hear that, Pete?

Not fired for another week. Yeah, baby.

So while I was busy hanging on to my job by my fingernails...

Yeah, so good.

Cannonball!

At least I knew my family was having fun at the Orson Aquatorium.

Axl, you getting in?

Pool's q*eer.

Brick, how about you? You getting in?

Swimming's no fun without a book.

Then what the hell am I doing here?

Come on, Brick. Look at those boys.

They're having fun.

Mom says I'm supposed to interact.

So can I tell you the plot of the book I wasn't allowed to check out?

Chapter one: "Grampa's Story."

"Grampa Worst was old and dying--"

Oh! Oh, daddy!

I'm ready for you to watch me swim now.

Hey, finally.

At least one of my kids is actually getting in the pool.

"He was dying of something old people die of."

So you got it.

All right, Sue! Come on, kid. Show us how it's done.

Hi, guys!

Did you have fun at the pool?

Dad said that I suck at swimming and I shouldn't try out for swim team.

Then I bought you a creamsicle.

So then the Nuldoids kidnap this kid and take him to the bowels of the Earth.

Speaking of bowels, what's for dinner?

Hey, no complaints.

That chicken or beef stew last night was great, and we all kept that down.

Not completely true.

And after the giant tunnel hole, they go to the ancient slide of the Droiden Frobble dynasty.

Okay, Brick, honey, great social interaction today.

Now please go find a book.

There must be one book in the house you haven't read.

Okay.

Hey, champ.

Mom says I've had enough social interaction today.

Okay. Catch you later.

I was still mad at Mike, but I have a pretty good poker face.

Frankie, you weren't there.

You weren't at the pool. She was bad. She was... rhythmic dance team tryout bad.

All right, well, just because she sucks doesn't mean you should tell her that she sucks.

What do you think that does for her self-esteem?

You know, I thought I was taking 'em to the pool.

If I had known it was gonna be anything about self-esteem, I wouldn't have done it.

What do you want?

5 feet, Dad.

What should I have done, Frankie--

Lie to her?

Since when did telling the truth become a bad thing?

Sue's a sensitive young girl who needs to be treated delicately.

Her emotions are right on the surface.

She's not Axl.

We're her parents, Mike.

It's our job to cheer her on, no matter what.

Hey, I love my daughter, and I'm not gonna have her made fun of.

If someone's gonna dash her hopes, damn it, it should be her family.

Mom, Dad, guess what?

They did an eye test today at school, and I need glasses.

In retrospect, I guess there were signs.

Oh, I only want one. I don't need both of them, but thanks.

I got it!

Isn't it exciting?

I've always wanted glasses!

Mike, don't you see what this means?

That we're never getting a new dryer?

No, this explains why Sue never makes anything. She's blind.

Oh, Mike.

See, you never know what's gonna happen in life.

That's why you don't dash someone's dreams.

Right. That's why you c--Hey!

Mom?

Which part of me is my hungering manhood?

If the library fines were half a dryer...

Glasses were a whole dryer...

But luckily, the Frugal Hoosier has an optical department and no mirrors.

Dork.

Dork.

I would never stop punching you.

Knock it off.

She's a young girl with emotions all over her surface or something like that.

Anyway, our job is to cheer her on.

Oh, my God. Those look so great.

Seriously. I think you should really, really buy them.

Okay. Guess these are the ones.

There is no stopping me on swim team now.

Y-you're still trying out?

Yeah. Mom told me you said I shouldn't try out, 'cause you wanted to test how much I really wanted it.

Well, I want it, Dad, now more than ever.

Well, if that's what your mom said, then I'm sure that's what I meant.

All right, that's it.

It's all that'll fit.

Oh, doesn't this look great?

I think this is really gonna be...

Frankie, your husband is on line one.

He wants to take a shower and needs you on the line with Axl till he's out.

Hey, that is his punishment!

Tell him to make Axl put on a bathing suit and get in there with him.

So how's it going out here?

Oh. Uh, Mr. Ehlert, sir.

Hard at work.

It may look like fun, but it's--it's work, work, work.

You did good, Frances.

Since this was your idea, my commission on the first sale of the day goes to you.

You're kidding.

Oh, Mr. Ehlert, you don't know how much this means to me.

My daughter Sue needs glasses and our dryer--

Already stopped listening.

So, uh, how many jelly beans are in there?

Okay, so we forgot the little detail of counting the jelly beans.

I wasn't gonna let that set us back.

There's a solution for everything.

425,362 jelly beans.

Wow.

Isn't he smart? He is so smart.

Damn it, he deserves a book.

I may not be able to afford a new dryer.

But I could figure out a way to get my kid his book.

Plus, I had to keep him out of my bookshelf.

And then when the Rakish count stormed into the room, her bosom heaved.

That means she threw up.

Kid!

Yeah. Come here.

How'd you like to check out this book for me on your card, huh?

No, no. You don't have to tell anybody.

It'll just be our little secret.

I don't know.

Oh, come on. What's gonna happen?

Nothing. I promise.

I have jelly beans.

Okay.

Great. Here. And remember, don't take candy from strangers.

I mean, I'm okay, but in the future, don't do it.

I'll be waiting for you in the bushes.

It was the day of the big event, and my idea was a huge success.

If that don't b*at all--

A whole car full of jelly beans.

You know, I have been all over this county, and I ain't never seen anything like it.

Excuse me?

Yeah?

Is the actual jelly bean car for sale?

I just think it's a hoot and a half.

Well, yes, it is.

And--and after the big event is over, I'd be happy to make you a great deal.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Here.

Oh, thanks.

Yep, we were gonna be okay.

2009 might have started out bad, but I was working my way back to zero one jelly bean at a time.

And that...

Hey. What do you think you're doing?

You're outside the limit.

Bring it in 4 inches.

There you go.

Ladies and gents, thanks for coming to Ehlert Motors.

We've got great deals on all our vehicles, so please, don't rush off.

We've got many knowledgeable salesman and a woman to show you around.

All right, now for the winner.

There were 425,362 jelly beans in the car.

So the closest guess, with 12,001 is...

Cecil Hagen!

Well, if that don't b*at all.

Congratulations.

Hey, I won!

Now, kids, when that door opens, you go ahead and scoop up all the jelly beans you can hold.

Frances, would you like to do the honors?

Me?

Oh. Well, it was my idea.

Okay, everybody ready?

Ready?

A little stuck.

Open it.

Just a... Okay, everything's okay.

It's just a little warm out today, so the jelly beans just need a little-- little bit of help to get out, and...

No, no, no, no. No, don't go.

No, don't go. Wait. No.

Oh, this will clean up really great.

You can still buy it.

I'll give you a great deal. A gr--

Well, this just proves that sometimes the best man for the job... is a man.

I'll put the cost of clean up on your tab, Frances.

This roughly makes you.... negative two.

No, no. No, no, I can fix it.

Look. Here. Wait. Wait.

Damn it. I was so close to getting us out of this hole, but it's just getting deeper.

And now I was supposed to go cheer Sue on in swim team tryouts?

Whoo-frickin'-hoo.

Where's Sue?

Did I miss the tryouts?

Mike, I thought he was punished.

He lured her into the perimeter.

What could I do?

What is he doing?

I whored myself for that book.

I promised it would be returned safely.

Hey, it got him into the pool.

Are those jelly beans in your hair?

Brick, Brick, float very carefully over to the side.

I need that book out of the pool.

Mom, mom! You made it!

I'm up.

Oh, Sue, yeah. Yeah, I made it. I made it.

I'm here now.

Swim for me, baby!

Okay. All right.

Go, Sue! Go, Sue!

It wasn't her eyes. Mike was right.

She sucked.

Okay, it's fine. It'll be fine.

Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.

It's fine.

Tornado!

Oh, come on!

It can't be a tornado.

It's a beautiful, sunny day.

I hate lndiana weather.

Mom, are we gonna be okay?

I don't know.

I don't know if we're gonna be okay, Sue.

I really don't.

Frankly, I have no evidence that we will.

That's not what you're supposed to say.

Oh, I know. I know.

I'm just supposed to pick you all up and tell you everything's gonna be fine.

But you know what? I don't know anymore!

You want to know the truth?

Your dad's big on truth.

Basically, our lives suck right now.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

2009 has been a rotten, rotten year.

We can't afford a new dryer.

We can't afford unexpired food.

I can't even afford the LCD light-up angel that I ordered on the TV to surprise you all at Christmas.

Surprise!

If I don't sell a car, that means no job.

That also means maybe no house, but the tornado will probably blow it all away anyway.

Oh, my God. Let's just pack it all in.

Let's just give you kids to Madonna or something.

Your dad and I will go live in a tent city somewhere, because the truth is, we are screwed!

But it's fine. No, I--Everything's fine.

We'll be fine.

Frankie.

We'll get through.

Yeah.

Wow. Who knew I was living with my own personal cheerleader?

Mike was right.

We would get through, same as always.

'Cause it doesn't matter how big the storm or how much stuff gets blown your way--

If you have each other, that's everything.

'Cause there's nothing more important than--

Holy crap! Is that a dryer?

You see it, too, right, Mike?

The tornado gave us a dryer.

Quick. Get it inside before anybody sees.

Oh, my. Whoo!

Our luck started to turn around after that.

Some stupid bank actually approved us for a brand-new credit card, so we paid off Brick's library fines...

We were able to afford contacts for Sue, and she actually made the swim team--

Well, 34th alternate.

And the best part of the new credit card?

No payments till 2012.

And I'm sure by 2012, everything's gonna be great.

Okay. See, this is why you never give up hope-- because anything is possible.

I mean, you just never know what's gonna happen.

You just gotta hang in there and believe and--

Hot damn! There's even clothes in there!