01x08 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

"Thanksgiving"

Frankie: Thanksgiving around here is all about tradition, spending time with your family and being thankful for everything you have.

Of course, everyone has their favorite thing.

For Axl, it's my cranberry sauce.

For Mike, it's my mashed potatoes.

(beep)

Sue and Brick love my home-made pie.

But what I love most is the warm, loving feeling I get from...

(bell rings)

Saving up to 80% on the day after Thanksgiving--

Black Friday.

(shouting)

Okay, it's one week to Thanksgiving.

The mall opens at midnight, so we've got to be prepared.

Sue's on housewares, Axl's on sporting goods, Brick can ferret through the crowd, so he's on electronics. Then we'll all rally back at the escalator at 0100.

Sir, yes, sir.

Oh, and when you invite your dad for Thanksgiving, can you ask him if he'll drop us off and then wait for us so we don't get stuck behind some slow driver looking for a spot?

Mike...

Can't you invite him this year?

He's your dad.

(groans)

He's such a pain!

He'll say he doesn't want to be a bother and drag it out until I end up begging him, like always.

Mike, someday that old pain in the ass won't be here anymore, and then you'll be begging to beg someone.

Fine, I'll ask him, but I'm not begging.

Can we go to the corn maze today?

Nothing says fall in the Midwest like a corn maze.

It's just about the most fun thing ever.

Oh, I am not dragging my butt through another corn maze.

I just can't do it.

But I've never been.

What are you talking about? We've been a million times.

With Sue and Axl. I never got to go.

I never get to go anywhere.

That's 'cause you're their least favorite.

Ironically, at the moment, Axl was my least favorite.

Okay, we'll find a time to take you, but today isn't it.

Hey, can I go snowmobiling with my friends on Thanksgiving?

No.

No, dude, I can't. She just totally freaked out on me!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We were square dancing in gym class, and this boy Brad Bottig kept asking me to dance all week, and then today on the third allemande left, he asked me to be his girlfriend!

Oh, my God! I have a boyfriend!

(screams)

She's just a kid, Frankie.

I don't know if I like this.

(door closes)

Oh, this is just an innocent junior high thing.

Don't you think we can trust her?

It's the guy I don't trust.

I took square dancing for one reason--

It's a meat market.

60% off on a power sander for Mike, 100 barrettes for Sue at Claire's for $1, 2-for-1 cargo pants for Brick.

(chuckling)

Look at me! I'm trembling.

I think what I'm most looking forward to is watching home movies, singing around the piano.

My niece, who I haven't seen in 14 years is coming in.

(gasps)

I gotta get air mattresses just to host everyone!

Man: Bob, Hometown Buffet called about your Thanksgiving reservation. They want to know if you'd share a two-top with a widower.

We eat at 6:00.

Oh, thank you!

All right, team, bring it in. Take a knee.

Sales are at an all-time low.

That is why I'm switching to a 365-day schedule, like that diner out on Route 7.

They do very well.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you saying that we're working on Thanksgiving?

(scoffs) Mr. Ehlert, that is just wrong.

Well, so is taking the country away from a bunch of lndians, but aren't you glad we did?

(clears throat) Mr. Ehlert?

What now? Tampon machine empty?

N-no, actually, sir, I was wondering if I could possibly, in any way, have Thanksgiving off to spend with my family?

Okay, we're gonna play a little game called "I be you, you be me."

"Mr. Ehlert, I know I'm the newest employee with the worst sales record, and even though I whine about equality for women in the workplace, can I have Thanksgiving off so I can hug my family all day long, even though two minutes ago, you said I had to work?"

Yes?

Okay, I'm me again. No!

(sighs) Please.

My family needs Thanksgiving, and I'm the mom.

I have to cook in the morning, and we eat in the afternoon.

Fine. You can work the evening shift.

And if you're still here, you can work all day Christmas.

Christmas? Thanksgiving?

This man's crazy.

Who the hell buys a car on Thanksgiving, anyway?

I know it sucks, but I'm not gonna let it ruin our day.

We'll eat earlier, then I'll go in to work, then I'll meet you and the kids at the mall at midnight.

And be sure to tell your dad about the time change.

You haven't invited him yet.

I will, woman. Back off.

(sighs)

(door opens)

Mom, Dad?

This is brad... my boyfriend.

(squeals)

(sniffs)

Be cool.

Yeah.

Hi, Brad!

(effeminately) Hi, you guys.

Oh my gosh, I'm super excited to finally meet my GF's P's.

"Girlfriend's parents." I looked it up later.

Well, we are so excited to meet you, too, Brad, aren't we, Mike?

Yep.

So you--you, uh, like to... square-dance, huh?

Oh, I just love square dancing.

Well, all types of dance, really, you know?

Ballet, tap, rhythmic.

O.M.G., is that vintage flannel?

No. Just--just old.

And super cute. (chuckles)

Well, thanks.

We're gonna go get my "Flashdance" CD, and Brad's gonna show me some choreography he made up.

Well, he seems nice.

Very!

Still worried?

No.

You think we should say something to Sue?

No. She'll figure it out eventually, or he will.

What? (gasps)

The Black Friday sale is earlier this year.

What's earlier than midnight?

6:00 on Thanksgiving Day.

We have got to be there when the doors open!

Look, the first 100 customers get 20% off and a free soft pretzel. All right. Okay.

I'm just gonna have to go in and... (sighs)

I'll ask Mr. Ehlert for a different shift.

I know it's against the rules, but... can Brad and I hang out in my room?

Sure. Close the door if we're bothering you.

So Mike finally went to ask his dad to Thanksgiving, which sounds easier than it is, 'cause Big Mike's kind of a hoarder who doesn't like to leave his house.

Maybe 'cause he's got too much pride to accept an invitation, Or maybe 'cause there's too much crap blocking the door.

I know you're home, Dad.

Montgomery Ward went out of business ten years ago.

It's good to know.

So Thanksgiving's coming up.

Is it, now?

Oh, well, the calendar says it's today.

Yeah, the calendar's four years old, Dad.

Oh.

Anyway, Frankie's putting together a nice dinner.

You should come.

I don't want to be a bother.

You're not a bother, Dad.

Well, don't go making turkey on my account.

We're making it anyway.

All of America is.

If I come, you'll just have to get another chair out of the garage--

All that hassle...

Okay, Dad, we're eating at 4:00.

Come if you want. Don't if you don't.

That's not much of an invite, is it?

(sighs)

Fortunately, not everyone's too proud to beg.

Sir, I just found out my Aunt Ginny needs emergency surgery on the night of Thanksgiving, so could I please switch to the afternoon shift so I can take her to the hospital?

Of course.

Thank you, Mr. Ehlert.

And you're working Easter.

Okay.

Got the new Thanksgiving schedule.

It's a little funky.

We're gonna have to eat dessert in the car on the way home, and there's one little patch midday where I'm gonna have to be in two places at the same time, but I think a test drive or a long bathroom break will take care of it.

So, yeah, I think I pretty much nailed it.

I don't see the corn maze on here.

It's only open in the morning, then they're plowing it down.

Brick, I'm gonna teach you a little phrase that I think will come in very handy.

I call it, "Oh, well."

You know, we went to Disneyland once before you were born.

It was awesome.

Poor Brick. He was the forgotten third child, but there was no way I could go back in to Mr. Ehlert, and he was just gonna have to understand that.

So now the kidney's coming in on an earlier flight, which means I need to switch to the morning shift so I can drive the kidney to the hospital. It's an H.M.O.

Okay.

(door closes) I did it.

It was hard, but I figured it out.

I put the turkey in tonight. We all set our alarms.

We eat dinner at dawn. I'll work until 11:00, then we record the football game while we take Brick to the corn maze, come home, clean up, get to the mall, and for dessert, we split a dairy-free yogurt at the food court.

I have a coupon.

That sounds like the worst Thanksgiving ever.

It really does. Can I go to Brad's instead?

I really should be with my boyfriend on Thanksgiving.

I really just care about the corn maze.

No. Thanksgiving is about family.

We have Aunt Edie and Aunt Ginny coming over and Big Mike.

Uh, maybe.

Maybe?

Probably not.

I've asked you to do one thing--

Get your dad to come!

Do you people realize what I have gone through this week to make Thanksgiving happen?

And now you guys don't appreciate--

(horn honks)

Oh, hey, that's my ride.

(grunts)

Hey.

I figured once my friends came to pick me up for snowmobiling, you'd be too embarrassed to say no.

You figured wrong.

No!

(tires squeal, vehicle departs)

You know what?

You don't care, I don't care.

Thanksgiving...

(papers thud) Canceled.

Way to go, Brick.

(sniffs)

Where's the good smell?

Wait. Did Mom really cancel Thanksgiving?

Yeah. She's at work.

Well, who's gonna make the turkey?

Who's gonna bake the frozen pies?

Who's gonna open the can of cranberry sauce?

Not Mom.

Dude. That sucks.

(can thuds)

That's why we're gonna pick up the slack and pull Thanksgiving together for her.

That sounds hard.

It's not hard. It's not hard at all.

Watch.

(liquid drips)

Frankie: So what if we had no Thanksgiving?

Just another day, just another dinner.

Not like anyone cared anyway.

Guess who made yams with little marshmallows for Thanksgiving dinner?

Oh, my God. I forgot to tell you. I canceled that.

A phone call would have been nice.

(thud)

(sighs)

Seven hours? I'm gonna have to barbecue this thing.

While I do that, I want you to take your brother to the corn maze.

Oh, God. Do you just, like, stay up late trying to figure out ways to ruin my life?

Yes.

Oh, hey, can I invite Brad over to help?

It's Thanksgiving. Won't his parents miss him?

Oh, they're just so excited he has a girlfriend.

I could see that.

I wonder what our kids will look like.

Mm. Depends what country you get 'em from, right?

Axl.

Wow. Now I get why they say the corn's as high as an elephant's eye.

(whispers) Elephant.

You know when I saw an elephant?

When Mom and Dad took us to Africa on that safari.

(normal voice) They did not.

Did, too. I peed in the Nile.

'Sup?

Brick?

Brick?

Brick!

There we were, stuck working on Thanksgiving, waiting for customers who'd never come.

This is insane!

Nobody's gonna buy a car today. Why are we even here?

Oh, my--I just want to go home, eat with my family, enjoy some holiday savings and a free hot pretzel.

That is my right as an American.

He can't take that away.

Frankie is right. We should say something to <r. Ehlert.

He can't say no to all of us. Right?

That's right.

Let's do this.

Let's do it.

Mr. Ehlert?

(turns off TV) (clears throat)

We have something to say.

"We"?

I guess it's I. I have something to say.

It's Thanksgiving, Mr. Ehlert.

We're supposed to be with family, people we love, not people we sort of like because we work with them.

(voice breaking) My wife left me.

(crying)

Oh.

Brick?

Brick.

Hey, have you seen a little kid about...

This tall?

I lost my little brother, you know.

I lost my little brother in the corn maze in '53.

When the wind rustles the leaves, I can still hear him calling.

Brick!

Now it all made sense.

Mr. Ehlert wanted to stay open on Thanksgiving 'cause he didn't want to face the holidays alone.

Sit with me, Frances.

Well, I-I did have a kidney to pick up, but, uh...

Okay.

(door closes)

(continues pouring)

Brick!

Brick! Brick!

Where are you?

Better find him before they start plowin'.

Can't see a little boy from high up on the corn chopper.

Brick!

Brick! Brick!

(whistling)

(crows cawing)

Aunt Ginny and Aunt Edie are here.

(doorbell rings)

Great. Maybe they can help.

(both snoring)

Frankie: Aunt Ginny and Aunt Edie haven't been able to help since 1978.

(singsong voice) Happy Thanksgiving!

(squeals)

It's my boyfriend!

I made you this centerpiece from the bounties of nature.

Oh, God. You're so romantic.

P.S., Mr. Heck, there's a strange man parked in front of your house.

(male announcer calling sports game indistinctly)

Hey, Dad. What are you doing?

Just listening to the game.

You drove across town for that?

Reception's better over here.

Plus I heard someone threw a bread maker out in this neighborhood.

Well, as long as you're here, you might as well come in.

We're barbecuing a whole turkey.

I don't want to be a bother.

You're not a bother, Dad. I want you to come in.

Please. I'm begging you.

Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without you.

We wouldn't know what to do if you didn't come.

Yep, no stopping tradition.

(indistinct speaking stops)

Guess I can listen to this inside.

(door opens)

Brick!

Brick! Hey!

Oh, my God! Please help me find my brother!

He's lost, and I'm so scared!

Um, what's he wearing?

Uh, he's got, like, a green jacket and a yellow hat, and oh, my God, he's dressed like corn.

We are never gonna find him in here!

Brick: Hi.

Brick! Oh, my God.

I'm never letting you out of my sight, okay?

Never, ever, ever, never, ever again, all right?

'Sup?

(groans)

(both laughing)

You know what, Frances? Go home.

Go be with your perfect family.

Perfect?

My son wanted to leave me and spend Thanksgiving with his friends.

No!

Yeah.

And don't even get me started on my husband and his dad. Ohh.

(whirring)

(turns off saw)

Grandpa Big Mike!

Boys!

How was the corn maze?

Axl hugged me.

Oh, shut up, dweeb.

(whispers) I love you. I love you so much.

You know what, Mr. Ehlert?

I can c-call you that, right, mr. Ehlert?

Mm.

(whispers) I used to be scared of you.

(normal voice) I was.

But you're just a big, old teddy bear, right?

Marcy used to call me her teddy bear.

Damn shame she couldn't get over me working Thanksgiving.

Wait.

Hold on.

Are you kidding me?

I thought you were working today because your wife left you, but your wife left you because you're working today?

Kept saying, "You can't keep the dealership open!

Your only daughter's coming in from Hawaii."

She can't tell me what to do.

Oh, my God!

How dare you make me waste my Thanksgiving feeling sorry for you?

You don't deserve my sorry.

You know who deserves my sorry? Me.

I'm going home.

And fire me, don't fire me, I don't care.

But if you're on the fence, don't fire me.

(snoring)

(sighs)

(door opens)

Frankie: Thanks for the ride, Bob!

She's here. Let's surprise her.

(keys jangling, doorknob rattling)

All: Surprise!

(gasps) Ohh!

Happy Thanksgiving, honey.

They did care. They are perfect.

Come sit down.

(singsong voice) Sit down, sit down.

Oh, and this all looks so yummy.

Hey. Mm.

Mm.

Frankie, you forgot your...

"Canceled dinner"? (purse thuds)

God, this is like high school all over again.

Oh, no, Bob. They surprised me...

My wonderful, sweet family.

I am so sorry I yelled at you.

We're sorry, too, honey.

We love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

(voice breaking) I got extra yams in the car... with little marshmallows.

(door closes)

Here comes the gravy.

I'm--I'm gonna go cry in the toilet.

Mike, come hold my hair.

And that's the last thing I remembered.

And though I didn't make it to the mall, I was there in spirit.

Mike: Frankie?

Oh, what did I buy?

Power sander, 80% off.

Did we make the houseware sale on time?

We got the bacon press.

Good girl.

Frankie: Thanksgiving's the time you appreciate your family the most.

But the one Thanksgiving I didn't spend with my family, I appreciated them more than ever.

See, kids? Let this be a lesson. Drinking is not cool.

Mike, I told them I had the flu.

See, kids, lying is also not cool.

Honey, why don't we close this up just a little bit?

There you go. We have company.

Okay. Night, honey. Happy Thanksgiving.

(door closes)