01x24 - Average Rules

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: The end of the school year... finals, parent-teacher conferences and that official teenage popularity meter...

The yearbooks are out!

Oh, wow, honey.

I haven't looked yet.

I ran all the way home so we could look through it together.

Wanna flip through it with me and see how many times ...I'm in it?

Sure! That's always fun.

That's never fun.

Class officers, no. Clubs, no.

Other clubs, no.

Every year it's the same. Poor sue had tried out for God knows how many things...

(Squeak, thud)

(Marching band playing)

(Thud) And she hadn't made a single one.

Oh! Maybe I'm in some of the candids from the lunchroom.

Yeah, right.

Oh! I think that might be my shoe.

Well, at least you have your class photo.

(Turns page)

Wait a minute.

I retook that picture three times.

I had three photos available!

How did this happen?

This is just not right!

(Sighs) That's okay.

I'm pretty sure that one in the candids is my shoe.

I'll just get everyone to sign it by my shoe. (Sighs)

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's my shoe.

It is just heartbreaking.

She's so used to failure, she doesn't even feel bad about it anymore.

And you know whose fault that is?

The yearbook committee?

No, Mike. Ours.

Wasn't even my second choice.

We're lazy, Mike.

Oh, no. Not the lazy parent.

We are. We're lazy, lazy parents.

We just throw 'em out the door and let 'em fend for themselves.

Wolves take better care of their young.

So she's an average, ordinary kid. So what?

Nothing wrong with average.

Ugh. You are so naive.

Average may have been fine when we were in school, but it's a new world out there.

Average is the new below average.

B's are the new c's. C's are the new d's.

D's are the...

Okay, what magazine or lady show can I blame for this?

Look at this.

All these pages, filled with extraordinary kids doing extraordinary things... and you know why?

Because they have parents that get in there and get involved.

Come on. We hate those parents. (Sighs)

We make fun of those parents.

Trust me. We have nothing to worry about.

Our kids are just fine.

Brick may be not be moving on to third grade.

What? What... what do you mean, not moving on to third grade?

He's the smartest kid in the class.

I mean, I'm sure you're doing your best, but... not a real brain trust here.

Mike.

It's because he hasn't been returning library books. Are you kidding me?

He's not moving up to third grade over library books?

That's nuts. The librarian is invoking statute 482b.

He's gonna have to resolve it with her.

And please make sure that he does.

It's been a long year. (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

I don't think I have a Sue Heck in my class.

Yes, you do.

We go through this all the time. You have Sue.

Oh! Here we go. Here's her name.

I just can't seem to place her face. Does she have red hair?

No, she doesn't.

Blond and sort of athletic-looking?

No.

Is she african-american?

Do we look like she's african-american?

How about I look in the yearbook to job my memory?

Oh, don't bother.

We just got the results of Axl's aptitude test.

You don't gotta sugarcoat it. (Sighs)

We already had two other conferences today, ...so we're getting pretty used to the drill.

He tested as academically gifted.

Axl is gifted?

Our Axl?

You calling my son a cheater?

Oh, no. (Chuckles)

Look. He's gifted. He's brilliant.

(Both exhale deeply)

The problem is, he's performing far below his potential.

He's getting C's.

Which are the new D's.

It's odd.

We rarely see this kind of gap between achievement and aptitude, except in families where at least one of the parents is in prison.

(Sighs)

Hey! Mom, look. I'm using my history book as a plate.

No cleanup for you. You're welcome.

We got some pretty interesting news at your conference today.

Apparently, you're smart.

I am?

Yeah. Like, extremely smart.

Wait. You sound mad.

Your tone isn't really matching the words you're saying.

That aptitude test you took... your counselor told us you scored in the 98th percentile.

Out of how many?

100.

Ha! Told you I was smarter than you thought.

Good thing you caught me. I was just about to study.

That would've been a big waste of time. (Chuckles)

No, you're gonna start getting grades that reflect you're smart, so cr*ck a book... to you, a plate... get.

We're gonna be expecting a lot from you from now on.

Oh, my God.

You find out I'm really smart, and you're still on me?

I can't please you people! Aah! Stupid big brain!

So...

How did I do? How was my conference?

Oh, honey, so great.

Your teacher didn't have one bad word to say about you.

Yay! She's my favorite teacher.

Heart... breaking.

Breaking, Mike!

(Sighs) You said, "don't worry."

You said, "oh, the kids are fine."

Only took three conferences to blow your theory out of the water.

Well, I'm gonna get in there and help Sue make her mark at that school.

I'm gonna be the kind of parent we hate.

Look.

This is what Sue has been reduced to.

And you and I both know that isn't even her shoe.

After we told Brick about his conference, he agreed to straighten things out with the librarian, Mrs. Nethercott, an institution at Orson Elementary.

There you are, dear.

The adventures of Betsy, Tacy and darling little Tib.

Oh, I hope you love them like I do.

Please come back and tell me what you thought.

Oh, it's you.

Hi, Mrs. Nethercott. I-is there a problem?

Hmm. Is the a problem?

You know, Brick, when you first came to this school, I was so excited to hear about a little boy who loved books as much as I do.

It's what a librarian dreams of.

Thank you.

Let me finish.

For years I have watched as you've checked out book after book after book and brought them back covered with syrup and yogurt... that is, if they even come back at all.

Look, we can play the blame game all day.

The point is, I love books.

You say you love books. I don't think you do.

I love the books in this room like they're my very own babies.

You have 31 of them out.

31 of my babies.

And I want them back... all of them... or you're not going into third grade.

That's right. No fractions for you.

No cursive.

No, uh, field trip to an Amish farm.

You think you can make it out in the real world without cursive?

You can't.

Look, you have to accept some responsibility here.

Shh!

You have until Walt Whitman's birthday.

Good luck.

Hello, sweetheart. Thank you.

Principal Sholin, I need to talk to you about my daughter, Sue Heck.

I know, I know. You don't know who she is.

But trust me, she's in the seventh grade, and she is spirited, and she is awesome, and it is ridiculous... no, tragic, actually... that she can't be a part of this school.

Come on. There's only a week left till summer.

Can't this wait till next year?

No. Why can't there be some team, some club that you can get into just because you showed doesn't sound like a very good team. But it would be, because it would be filled with people who don't give up... people like my daughter, who try and fail and pick themselves up and keep on going and stay positive in the face of all odds.

My God!

Isn't there a place in this school for someone like that?

Guess what?

I, uh, happened to run into your principal today, and he told me that they decided to change the policy and make cross-country a no-cut sport.

No-cut?

No cuts, no tryouts.

All you have to do is show up on Tuesday, go around the track a few times, and you're in!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

(Laughs) I love cross-country!

That's running, right?

Yeah, running. All you gotta do is run.

I can run! I ran all the way home from school yesterday, and I got here so fast. Imagine how fast I could go when I'm not holding a heavy yearbook. Oh!

Imagine how fast I could go when I have complete use of my arms! Yeah!

(Clatters) I know!

Oh, my God. This is it.

I'm finally gonna be part of a team.

I know, honey. We did it! You did it.

Aah! Aah!

(Laughing) Oh! (Laughing) Oh!

I was feeling pretty darn good.

The Heck family was on the right track.

Sue was practicing for cross-country...

Brick was slowly but surely finding his lost library books...

And Axl was studying in his room.

Have you checked on Axl in a while, Mike?

Yeah, yeah. He's doing great.

(Electric guitar blares in distance)

I'll go check on him.

What are you doing?

What? I was taking a break. About to start up again.

Put the guitar down.

You're supposed to be studying for your final.

I know, but I don't have any study skills, and those are very hard skills to learn at my age.

My brain's already formed.

Maybe if you'd raised me better...

No more excuses, Axl.

Now that we know how smart you are, we're cracking down.

Well, if I'm so smart, then how come nothing's sticking in my brain? Seriously.

I gave myself the practice test while I was on the toilet.

I got a "D"... and that was with cheating.

All right. I taught you how to burp the alphabet.

I guess I can teach you how to study. Come on.

And he did... all night long.

(Blender whirs)

What is that?

Make it stop.

Sorry. (Chuckles)

Making a protein shake. (Chuckles)

Sue, it's 5:30. What are you doing up?

Training. Gotta get up bright and early to get a practice run in before school starts. (Chuckles)

Oh! Dad, if anyone calls, can you tell 'em I'm out running 'cause I'm on cross-country n and that even though I'll be super busy with cross-country, I'll call 'em back, 'cause they're still my friends even though I'll probably have a lot of new cross country friends, and they can come to my cross-country meets, and we can go out for pizza after, but it'll have to be somewhere near the cross-country track.

I'll just say you're not here.

Okay.

Ah. (Inhales and exhales deeply)

Hmm. All right. I'm gonna hit the showers.

(Inhales deeply) Mm.

Hey, Axl, you should feel good about the work you did tonight.

I'm proud of you.

Yep, Mike was feeling good.

I was feeling good.

We were opening doors for our kids and letting them run free. (Leaves rustle)

(Groans) Mom!

(Gasps)

Sue, what happened?

I got hit by a deer.

You hit a deer?

No. I got hit by a deer.

Ohh.

I don't get it.

How does someone get it by a deer?

How is that even possible?

You think that's bad?

I graded Axl's practice test.

I was up all night with him studying, and he got another "D"...

Oh. (Sighs)

Which is apparently the new "F."

That's great. We did our part, we got involved, and it didn't make a damn bit of difference.

You know what? I don't think it's us.

I don't think we're lazy parents at all.

I think we're good parents and that we got stuck with crappy kids.

That's right. It's nature versus nurture, and I... I think more and more that it's nature. (Sighs)

'Course, that would sort of be our fault, too.

Hey, stop that.

We're good parents, Frankie. We are.

Uh, school started three hours ago.

Are either of you gonna take?

Hi, Coach Emerson.

Sorry I'm late.

Chemistry was on the third floor, and all those stairs... Whew! (Chuckles)

What are you doing here?

I signed up to be on the team.

I am a fast healer. My Jersey size is small.

What's with the foot?

I got hit by a deer.

(Laughs) You hit a deer?

No, I got hit by a deer. (Chuckles)

See, this deer came out of the woods, and...

Anyway, the doctor said I should be all good for August when our season starts.

Sorry.

You're gonna have to make it around the track five times.

Five times? But that's impossible.

I'm already a little chafed and achy under my arms.

Can't I just be on the team anyway?

My mom said it was no-cut.

So you think you can just show up and not do anything?

Well, you know what? If you want to be on my team, you're gonna have to make it around the track five times.

Feel free to sign up next year, if I'm still here.

It was nice to meet you.

(Exhales deeply)

(Inhales deeply)

I had you for math last year.

Huh?

You didn't just meet me.

I had you for math last year.

I am Sue Heck, and I had you for math last year!

This one's a little sticky.

Can you prove it wasn't like that when I checked it out?

(Sighs) Okay, Brick.

Looks like they're all here. Somehow you managed to do it.

See you in third grade, Mrs. Nethercott.

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Seems like we're still missing one book after all.

This little piggy didn't come home, did it, Brick?

Oh, and it's a big, expensive reference book.

It's an atlas.

But I already searched my entire house.

Well, where could it be?

If only you had a map to find it.

You have until sir Arthur Conan Doyle's birthday to get it here, otherwise, see you in second grade.

(Whispers) Second grade.

Have you guys seen a book this big?

How would you even get a book that big home?

I don't know.

Did I even bring it home? I have no idea!

Now are you gonna help me, or am I gonna repeat second grade? (Sighs)

Hey, how'd the test go?

I either rocked it or failed it.

Or... somewhere in the middle. I can't tell anymore.

What do you mean, you can't tell?

I just can't tell, okay?

Now that I know I'm a genius, there's just so much pressure!

You studied for one night.

People burn out. It happens. This kid who sits behind me, he used to do really well on those aptitude test things, but he totally crapped out this year. He was crying.

His parents came in, and they were crying.

So the kid who sits behind you used to do well on the aptitude test ...but then suddenly did bad on it?

Yeah, this smart kid, Alan Heung, and he was on this track to do all these advanced classes, but...

So the kid who sits behind you is named Alan Heung, and he used to do well, but he bombed out, and you usually b*mb out, and now suddenly you're a genius?

Yes, that Alan Heung! Are you deaf?

Now butt out and go look for your stupid books!

So assuming you're seated alphabetically, then it'd be safe to assume if there was some sort of paper with the aptitude scores on it, that your name and score would be right next to Alan Heung's name and score?

God, Brick, how am I supposed to know? Do I work in the office?

Okay.

I'm starting to get what you're saying.

Go through it one more time.

(Beep)

Well, that explains it. The scores were switched.

You got a... well, numbers don't mean anything.

The point is, you're our son, and we love you.

Oh, it means something.

It means I am completely living up to expectations.

I am operating at complete capacity.

Yes!

(Yawns)

(Telephone rings)

Hello?

Hey, Carly.

What?

(Vangelis' "titles" from "chariots of fire" playing)

(Gasps) How's she doing?

She's gone around four times.

She only has to make it around one more lap, and she makes the team.

(Engine rumbles)

?

Should we stop her?

Absolutely not. Go, sue!

?

(Panting) I can do it.

I can do it.

Things are starting to look up for me! (Thunder crashes)

Ohh.

Oh, come on!

Ohh.

She just keeps going. Where does she get that from?

From me. I never give up.

You give up all the time. You gave up this morning.

You're right.

As I was saying that sentence, I almost gave up and stopped talking.

You can do it! Lookin'... Pretty good. (Thunder crashes)

?

(Splat)

(Exhales deeply)

Come on, you can do it, Barb! Barb!

(All) Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb!

It's Sue!

(All) Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue!

(Snap)

(Gasps)

(Thunder rumbles)

(Grunts)

Come on! Go!

You can do this!

Frankie: Whoo!

Brick: You can do this!

(Laughs)

Barb, finish line's up here! Come on!

(Pants) Oh.

That's okay. I got it. I got it!

Yeah, you can do this! Come on!

Brick: Yeah, you got it! You can do this!

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Ohh.

(All cheering)

Brick: Yeah, that was amazing!

She did it.

Sue did it.

You okay?

Sue finally made something.

Sue made the no-cut cross-country team.

I've never been morer proud of.

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow! Not under the arms!

Okay, okay, okay.

Aah! (Laughs)

?

I'll see you in August.

Aah! Whoo!

Yeah!

And guess what?

Our lucky break didn't end there.

The next day, Axl came home with his world history test and the best grade of his life. "B"-minus! I got a "B"-minus, people! (Laughs)

And brick found a way to make it to third grade... by checking out the same atlas from the municipal library and returning it to the school library.

See you in the fall, Mrs. Nethercott.

I hear third graders get to come to the library even more often.

(Sighs)

(Clicks tongue)

(Sighs)

And that night, we celebrated it all...

Sue making the no-cut team, Brick moving up to third grade, Axl's "B"-minus.

So what I did was, I slept through science and English, so I was completely refreshed for my history test.

So I got a practice schedule and a parent phone tree.

Frankie: You did? Already? That's quite a good plan there.

Can you believe it? Yeah, a phone tree! Wow...

I know it may not seem like much to celebrate.

The truth is, maybe we are just average.

But the way I see it, families where parents get up every morning and go to jobs that are hard so they can get their kids through school and through life and struggle to make it all work and manage to do it with dignity and a little humor... well, that's not average. That's extraordinary.

(Speaking indistinctly)