08x15 - Dental Hijinks

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: In New York, they have soirees. In L.A., they have galas. But at East Indiana State, you haven't lived till you've been to the annual Axl, Hutch, and Kenny 'Bago Bash... beverages and food not included.

[Chuckles] All right!

We did it, man.

Senior year... We're going out on top.

Whoa!

Whatcha got in the bag?

Pita chips and no hummus.

The flier specified "All chips to be accompanied by their respective dips."

Well, let's send it through the skylight and see what the people have to say.

[Cheering]

You got lucky. The people are drunk.

[Laughs] All right. Come on.

Come on in.

Wow. We're legends on this campus, and we owe it all to the 'Bago.

She's been good to us.

Yes, she has.

Wait. What are we gonna do with it when we graduate?

I mean, I can't take it with me, 'cause I'm gonna be in grad school.

Well, I can't take it.

I got a business degree from East Indiana State.

I'm gonna be, like... a C.E.O. of a business, doing business stuff, you know?

Carrying a briefcase down hallways, asking people about their weekends.

Okay.

What if we give it to a needy freshman, let the legend continue?

Or... we could sell it to a needy freshman and let the legend continue.

Oh, you are a business man.

Mm-hmm.

[Laughs] Whoo-hoo!

♪

Oh, hey! Is it Crazy Hat Day? That's one of my favorites.

No, it is not.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

You can't be the beret kid.

I don't care how many bullying seminars they have.

A beret is just a big, fat target on your back.

It isn't a beret. It's a "tam."

Yeah, well, be prepared to fish your tam out of the toilet.

Anyway, you've heard of the musical "Hamilton"?

No. Yes.

Well, the school is voting on what the spring play should be this year, and I was thinking, with the recent popularity of "Hamilton," that I would write and submit my own.

Because if we're celebrating unsung heroes, I believe there's someone we're all forgetting.

Sergeant Charles Stuart MacKenzie!

It's got everything...

World w*r I, bagpipes, Scottish rap.

I can't leave work today to pick him up when the nurse calls.

Well, I can't, either.

Dr. Goodwin's getting me to take me to some seminar.

Well, hopefully it'll happen on the bus and the driver will just carry him to the stoop.

They all laughed at Lin-Manuel Miranda.

That's true.

Who's she?

[Knock on door]

Well, hey, there, Brick. Nice tam.

Thank you for saying so.

Now you have a great day and be fierce.

I will.

See, that's supportive parenting right there.

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

Hey!

Who is ready for an eight-hour lecture on polymers?

I'll give you hint...

It's me!

Yeah. Can't wait.

Uh, so, Mike, uh, how's things at the quarry?

A little rocky? [Laughs]

Kidding.

Uh, anyhoo, do you guys have seminars, too?

No. Not really.

The job's pretty much the job.

Mm-hmm. Well, uh, what do you have then?

And feel free to go into detail.

Drive safe.

You were looking on the wrong side.

I told you, the pain is on his left side.

Frankie, this is cuckoo.

[Sighs]

I need my chair and my light and my spit sucker.

His tooth is k*lling him, but I haven't been able to get him to a dentist in years, so I am sorry, but if you want to diagnose him, you got to do it here.

Now get in there.

♪

Oh. I see you're drinking coffee.

I sure like coffee.

Uh, how do you take your coffee?

Do you take it bla-a-ck or with cre-e-e-am?

Black.

Cool.

Ooh!

Hey, can I show you my new phone?

It's got all sorts of neat stuff on here.

It can tell you how many steps you've stepped.

It can tell you the temperature in Charlotte.

It's even got a camera on it.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Smile!

[Camera shutter clicking]

Frankie!

Really?

Well, I'm sorry, but you've been in pain for months, and you won't go see anybody.

You won't go see the dentist. You won't see the doctor.

And I haven't d*ed yet.

[Sighs]

You don't have to feel embarrassed, you know?

A lot of people are hinky about the dentist.

Well, thank you for that, but I'm not hinky about anything.

I just don't like the idea of someone poking around where they got no business being.

[Sighs]

I just want you to take care of yourself, all right, and now is the time to do it when I have free dental care.

Please? I need you.

I can't get Axl to do anything.

Right. All right. Enough.

Enough talking about it. I'll do it, okay?

You happy?

Oh. [Scoffs]

There's a lot of road to travel between me and that destination, but I am relieved.

Thank you.

And don't worry, Mike.

I promise, I'll be gentle.

Look at these little woman hands.

When I hold hands with a girl, sometimes I can't tell who's who.

[Chuckles]

♪

Lexie, we're gonna need more milk.

Aurora: "Milk" has been added to your shopping list.

Okay, I'm sorry. I just cannot get used to that.

You got used to the 36 jets in the tub.

You can do this.

[Sighs]

I'll tell you another thing I can get used to...

[Singsong] a possible boyfriend!

[Gasps]

Is it the super-hot guy that drives the Jeep?

[Normal voice] No, it's the attainable guy who drives a golf cart.

Who?

You know, Tyler, the safety-cart guy who takes injured people around during the day and drunk people home at night?

He kind of looks like Woody from "Toy Story."

[Gasps] Oh!

Well, Woody's definitely the hottest one in "Toy Story."

I know, right?

Anyway, he seems super sweet and nice, but I'm not sure if he's interested in me.

Every time it seems like something's maybe about to happen, we get to where we're going, and I have to get out.

Next time, tell him you have to go to the Pharmacy Building.

That's, like, practically off campus.

Oh. Good idea.

[Grunts] I hope he likes me.

I need a man!

"Man" has been added to your shopping list.

Oh, she's good.

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

I'm surprised you didn't want to come in on a day Frankie was working.

She is such a hoot.

Sometimes she pretends to nod off while working and slumps right over onto her patient.

[Chuckles]

So, here's how this is gonna work.

You're gonna tell Frankie you checked out my tooth, it's fine, and that's gonna be the end of it.

Oh. Oh, I don't know, Mike.

That would be a lie. I don't like to lie.

What would I tell Frankie?

Well, if it makes you feel better, we can go grab a beer and that way when she says, "How'd it go?" you can say you spent an hour with me and I was happy, and that would all be true.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

All right.

[Laughs]

Uh! This feels so wrong!

We're like Thelma and Louise.

[Laughs]

No, we're not.

♪

All right. Thank you all for signing in.

As you can see, we are sitting in the dining room featuring a low-maintenance Formica table.

And over here, we have the European-style kitchen featuring a fridge and bonus second-story access.

Now, the fridge holds up to three cans of your favorite beverage and an apple.

Now, you might want to supplement that with a cooler or two, but on the plus side, you can use them for seats. That's right.

The possibilities of 'Bago living are endless.

Now if you'll kindly follow us to the bathroom.

And I urge all of you to stay together.

I don't want to lose anyone.

♪

You get used to that! You...

[Door opens, closes]

It's not for everyone. [Chuckles]

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello?

Are you alone?

Yes. Good.

So, I did what you said.

When Frankie asked how it went, I said, "Fine."

Great.

Wait. There's more.

I said you had mesial distal occlusal with a slight pulp horn exposure.

You got that?

Mesial distal occlusal with a slight pulp horn exposure.

Or you could have just said you took care of it, and we're done.

I wish you would have told me that before, 'cause I said yoneed to come in for a follow-up appointment.

Why'd you tell her that?

Because you had a mesial distal occlusal with a slight pulp horn exposure!

I didn't!

Listen, if we're gonna get away with this, we got to get our story straight.

This thing lives or dies in the details.

Now, Frankie's coming home with the appointment card.

Just act casual.

This conversation never happened.

[Cellphone beeps]

[Door opens]

So...

I hear someone had a mesial distal occlusal with a slight pulp horn exposure.

Mm-hmm. See?

I told you it wasn't nothing.

Here's your card for the follow-up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, w... Thursday? No.

Th-That's a... That's a Pacers game.

It's... You know what? I'll... I'll call him.

I'll figure it out.

[Sighs]

Can I run a few things by you, Dad?

You know a lot about musicals.

No, I don't.

Ane, twa, three.

[Scottish accent] ♪ They called him Sergeant MacKenzie ♪
♪ He was fine, like a good wine ♪
♪ He'll come looking to skelp your wee behind ♪
♪ So make a note, pack up your goat ♪

[Normal voice] Wait a minute.

As I hear "goat," I'm not loving it.

I'm gonna work on that.

Good idea. Don't rush it. It's art.

Hmm.

Okay.

I changed your appointment for you.

It's with Dr. Lambert now.

What? Why'd you do that?

So you could see your game.

No.

That... That's not gonna work.

I-I don't want to see some other doctor.

I-I only want Dr. Goodwin.

Aww, that's sweet.

But Dr. Lambert is really good.

He's even staying late and missing his kid's volleyball game so he can do this.

Well, hang on. I don't think I want to see a guy like that.

I mean, a guy who doesn't put his own kids first?

♪ He was the latest trendzie ♪

Brick, knock it off.

I want Dr. Goodwin.

I-I-I will only accept Dr. Goodwin.

You were right. He is the best.

All right.

I'll change it back for you, but you're gonna miss some of the Pacers game.

I-I don't care.

It's worth it if I can see the world's best doctor.

Wow. You must be really in a lot of pain.

[Sighs] You have no idea.

♪

Hey, I got your call, and I rushed right over.

Of course, I'm not sure it can be classified as rushing at six miles an hour. Yeah.

Oh, thanks for picking me up from the party.

I walked by some kids who were smoking, and I held my breath for as long as I could, but then I had to take a breath.

And I don't know what they were smoking, but it could have been marijuana, because one of them had a knit hat on.

Sounds like I got here just in time.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, so... the whole party thing's not really my scene.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'd much rather have, like, a nice dinner, cozy evening in, maybe watch some Netflix.

I'm basically 40.

[Laughs] Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I'll have you home in just a minute.

Oh, actually, I have to go to the Pharmacy Building to pick up a notebook.

Sorry. I know it's all the way on the other side of campus.

No, I don't mind. There's beautiful moon tonight.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

You know what? It actually reminds me of that movie "A Tree Falls for Forest."

What's that?

Oh, it's so bad, it's good.

It's about this freakishly tall girl who falls for a guy named Forest.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, you got to see it.

Oh. I got to check it out.

I love movies that are good but you make fun of and are about tall people.

[Both laugh]

Well, you know, if you wanted to see it, uh...

Dude, you got to get me to the grad dorm fast, 'cause that's where I live.

Jeremy?

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

The girl who fracked my heart!

Shh! Do you know this guy?

Uh, yeah. No.

We kind of dated a little bit.

Oh! Oh! Is that we did?

W-We dated a little bit?

I haven't had the energy to chain my myself to anything in months.

So... So is this the guy you replaced me with?

Huh? Huh?

Hey, Woody, where's Buzz?

No! Shh, no, no, no. I mean, Tyler and I aren't...

I-I-I just breathed something in that I shouldn't have, okay?

That's all. I just wanted to feel safe.

Wait, Jeremy. Is that meat in your beard?

You get over yourself. You didn't drive me to eat meat.

It's imitation... just like your love.

Stop!

[Tires screech]

I have to puke, and I want to do it on the Econ Building so it'll mean something.

Ugh!

I'm sorry. That was totally awkward.

Uh... we broke up a couple months ago.

You can just drop me off at my apartment.

Well, in that case, it looks like we're here.

Oh.

Okay, well...

You know what? I think you need to see that movie.

So consider my cart at your disposal.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8:00?

You could even pick me up at 7:00.

Or 8:00. 8:00's fine.

[Chuckles]

Brilliant! Brilliant, I say.

All I know is, nobody can resist the lure of a car-dealership blow-up wiggly guy.

Wiggly-guy high five!

Whoa!

Whoa!

I don't even need to ask any question, I'll take it.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Okay.

Not a bad day.

We made $54.

I can sell anything.

Except for the 'Bago, apparently.

Yeah. Why... God!

I can't believe there aren't three dudes like us out there, looking to live in a rocking 'Bago.

Hey, is this Winnebago still for sale?

Uh... well, there is someone who's very interested coming by to look at it, but since you guys are here now, first come, first serve.

Ah. I like it.

What do you think?

It's cool. What do you think, Kyle?

♪

[Both chuckle]

♪

Hey, Sue.

Hi!

Oh.

Oh! I get it.

[Hushed] Did she have a little too much?

What? Oh. Oh, no.

Uh, t-this is my girlfriend, Julia.

Julia, this is Sue.

Hi.

Oh. Hi. Hi!

I like your necklace.

It looks really good on your neck.

Oh, thanks.

Tyler gave it to me for Christmas.

Oh. That's so Tyler! [Chuckles nervously]

I always thought he was sweet and nice.

And aha! He is!

Well, anyway, I will hop on...

I'll hop on... I'll hop on in.

♪

Well... this is...

This is gonna be so much fun.

Uh, I brought some Milk Dudes in my purse if anyone wants for later.

Aah!

Mike!

What are you doing?!

Listen, I realized when we left the office to go get a beer, we were onthe security cam.

So?

So if Frankie sees the tape, she'll know that we left early, and I wouldn't have had time to do a mesial distal occlusal with slight pulp horn exposure.

Look, you're way overthinking this.

Why would Frankie ever look at the security tape?

Doesn't matter. I got ahead of this.

I told Frankie you and I went outside because there were miscreants in the parking lot.

We wanted to see what they were up to.

They ran away, but they'd broken into my car and stole my coat.

That's why I'm not wearing one now.

By the way, I donated it to charity so I wouldn't mess up and wear it to work.

Wait. If Frankie was looking at the security tape, wouldn't she wonder why we didn't go back in and finish the procedure?

Ah, ding-dangit! You're right.

[Inhales sharply]

Okay! We can tell her we came in the side door, because the miscreants might still be out there.

Okay, so, what's our next move?

My next move is going in the house.

Good idea. Act normal.

♪

Oh, hey, you're home earlier than I expected.

How'd it go?

Oh, it went great.

We had so much fun.

Me and him... and his girlfriend!

What? No!

Why wouldn't Tyler tell you he had a girlfriend?

I don't know, but her name is Julia, and the sad thing is, she's not awful.

We shared popcorn, and she mixed in M&M'S, which is a really good idea, and I can't believe I haven't thought of it before, and, oh, my God, I'm so stupid!

I read all his signals wrong.

Tyler only thought of me as a friend.

Oh, Sue. This sucks. I am so sorry.

No, it's my fault, really.

I talked too much about my heavy periods.

I dropped myself right into the friend zone.

Yeah, that'd do it.

Uhh! I'm so embarrassed!

Aurora, put sugar in my mouth.

I'm sorry. I cannot process your request.

Aurora can't, but I can.

[Groans]

♪

[Door opens, TV turns off]

Well, they voted on the musical, and I lost.

Which means either Cindy or Troy did not vote for me.

They went with "Carousel."

Fa-resh.

Oh, well.

At least you tried. That's the main thing.

For a Heck, that's a win.

I'm telling you, it's "Orson, The Heartland's Hidden Gem" all over again.

I was so close... to have victory snatched from my grasp like that.

I guess America's just not ready for historical Scottish rap.

Boy, I read that wrong.

Ah, you're just too cutting edge for people around here.

I mean, we just got a P.F. Chang's.

Anyway, there's always next year.

Oh, I'm not giving up on my musical.

I'll be workshopping it every weekend here at the house if need be.

Oh. But no bagpipe music.

I-It's a whole homeowners' association thing.

That's why we can't paint the house.

Hmm.

[Door closes]

Hey, why didn't you tell me about all that excitement the other night?

Oh, uh... well, there's nothing much to tell.

There were some miscreants.

[Yawns] I'm going to bed.

It's only 6:30.

Pfft. It must be the medication he's got me on, I guess.

I'm babbling.

Why are we talking? I don't like talking.

Good night.

♪

Oh, wait.

I just remembered. There's a security camera.

We could get the footage for that night and find out who it is.

Um... if you look at the tape, you won't see us coming back in the building, 'cause we came in through a side door.

Didn't the alarm go off?

Uh, no.

Uh, Dr. Goodwin had a special key.

What? That door has a keypad.

Yeah. Keypad. You cut me off.

So, he does have the code.

I can't believe Dr. Goodwin keeps telling me he doesn't have the code.

[Sighs] I have to park on the side and walk all the way around to the front, and he knows I hate walking.

I'm gonna talk to him about that.

Uh, you know, don't.

He's having a bad week.

Why do you say that?

Uh...

[Gasps]

If anyone asks... your aunt d*ed.

Lilah or Pauline?

Let's make it Pauline. She's a real bitch.

♪

Well... guess this is it.

This 'Bago gave us a lot of good times.

And several fairly serious recurring leg rashes.

Hey, you remember that time Kenny was sitting right there, and he laughed?

Hell yeah.

You don't forget Kenny's first laugh.

Well, if you need me, I'm staying with my girlfriend's cousin Ronald.

His nickname is "Bear."

He thinks guys bond by wrestling.

Hey, it's not like this is goodbye.

No, no. Of course not.

We're still gonna be seeing a lot of each other.

Oh, sure. Sure.

I mean, weren't we gonna have to do this in three months anyway?

[Chuckles]

♪

[Voice breaking] That's three more months we could have had together.

♪

[Exhales sharply]

Frankie, listen, I forgot to tell you...

Dr. Goodwin isn't gonna leave for his aunt's funeral until Tuesday 'cause he's got to stop at the vet first.

Good idea. Tell her that. You're a genius.

Aah!

[Sighs]

Drill it! Drill the hell out of it.

♪

[Tires screech, horn honking]

[Engine shuts off]

I got it back.

Hutch: Yeah, I see.

Now we're gonna have to rehearse what we're gonna say to the police?

Nah, it's cool.

How'd you get it back?

I just told those guys that they're now legally responsible for all the 40 parking tickets we left unpaid.

No, they're not.

They don't know that, but as a law student, I do.

You're not a law student.

They don't know that, either.

Now we're gonna take this thing down to the quad and throw the most epic rager in the history of East Indy!

Wiggly-guy high five.

Whoa!

Sue. Hey, Sue!

Sue. Hey! Wait up.

It's okay. I don't need a ride now.

The walking helps my cramps, but I've already shared too much.

Sue, stop.

I need to talk to you. It's important.

My girlfriend broke up with me.

What? Why?

Julia thinks I might like another girl, and she's not wrong.

Oh, my God.

There's another one?!

You are sick!

You have a girlfriend, you like another girl, and, I'm sorry, but it seems like you were being a little bit flirty with me.

So if you were looking for a woman friend to talk about your relationship problems, I am not going down that road again.

Sue. Sue.

I do like another girl.

♪

Really?

Yeah, Julia pointed out that at the movies, I spent the whole time looking at someone else.

Oh. Hmm.

Just to be clear, it's me, right?

Okay, but if you could just put it into words so I could...

Sue... it's you.

♪

They stabbed him in the shoulder ♪
♪ Only made him bolder, got him in the gut ♪
♪ Say what-what? ♪

Bagpipe beatbox!

[Imitates bagpipes]

How many more hours till I can take another pain pill?

You just took one.

Damn.

♪ And then his maw said with dread ♪
♪ "My poor bonny Charlie's dead" ♪
♪ MacKenzie's life was done ♪
♪ So done ♪
♪ But he had taken out a Hun ♪
♪ A Hun ♪
♪ Or two or three ♪
♪ Maybe sh*t one in the knee ♪