01x03 - Grandparents Day

If Elway had had any of the receivers like a Jerry Rice, we'd have five super bowls. We would.

(Beep)

Huh? Coffee. Let's get coffee.

A big double shot for you-- keep you up all day.

Yay, coffee. Okay, daddy, I'm gonna have this today and two marshmallow peeps, and that's all, if I'm good.

It's good to set goals.

Hey.

Morning.

Has anybody seen Boyd's wooby?

I have, and it'll grow.

I believe she was referring to this.

Ohh. Why don't you wean him off that dishrag?

No. This is what I use to wean him off of me.

Honey, everybody has their thing.

Mandy had her pillowcase, Eve has Mr. Buttons, and...

You have your irrational attachment to the Denver Broncos.

Since when do you drink coffee?

Since Victor Blake said tea is for losers.

Could he stop by and make me some, since it's all gone?

Honey, don't forget.

We have grandparents' day at Boyd's school at noon.

Oh, gosh. I can't do that today.

Why not?

Well, at work we've got a new Chipmunk Oscillator coming in, with a new Canuter Valve-- no, no, no.

You don't have to lie.

If you don't want to go, just say you don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

You're going.

This is stupid.

Dad! We don't use the "s" word around Boyd.

That's not the "s" word. The "s" word is "socialism."

Honey, it's important to Boyd that we go.

He's 2. He's not gonna know we're there.

He's not gonna know he's there. No offense.

See you at noon, and don't wear that.

Guys, don't waste coffee. Come on.

(Mandy and Eve) Bye, daddy.

This stuff doesn't grow on trees.

Well, actually, it does grow on trees.

Last Man Standing - S01E03 Grandparents Day

(Indistinct conversations)

No.

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, for Kristin and Boyd, come on.

Aw, look at all those grandmas. Come on. They're adorable.

Yeah, until they drive through a farmers' market.

I'm gonna check out the snack bar.

You look familiar.

Do you do chair yoga at the Y?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I don't even know what that is.

Ooh. Back pillow store.

Oh, there's a back pillow store.

Well, sure.

Old broads like us can't sit for long periods without our back pillows.

Old--old broads like--like us? Mm-hmm.

Hey. I have those same pants.

Aah.

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be wearing pants with an elastic waist, but...

Well, when you get to be our age, who cares?

I care.

What the heck is a Kelp Newton?

Healthy crap is what it is.

How about this?

"Milk made from soy beans." How do you get milk from a bean?

Well, it's small farms, very little stools, and good eyesight. (Laughs)

That is hilarious.

Oh, whoops.

That is Phoebe's art project, so...

Let me ask you something.

Does Phoebe have any other interests?

Oh. Oh, this might look unconventional to you, but we want to make sure that none of mother earth's resources are wasted.

Somebody's wasted.

Okay, friends.

Why don't we gather around the community circle, huh?

Ohh.

Yeah! (Tambourine rattles)

(Child cries)

Come on. Gather around.

(Children crying)

There you go.

(Groans)

(Groans)

That's comfortable.

Okay, friends. Why don't we teach our guests the happy happy welcome song, huh?

Okay.

♪ We're... happy ♪
♪ we're clappy ♪

Clap, clap, clap.

♪ We're happy, we're snappy ♪

Snap, snap, snap.

(Moans)

Oh! Oh, uh-oh. A friend is having a feeling.

Why don't we validate that feeling?

Are you feeling sad?

Did someone steal your rainbow?

Hey, somebody stole my patience.

Oh, okay. Why don't we dig down deep and try to find that feeling, Doug?

(Scoffs) Doug. That's--that's a dude?

(Men laughing)

Who said that?

He did.

What?

Doug made the choice to be a princess today, and we validate that choice.

That's stupid.

(Chuckles)

Boyd, we don't use the "s" word here.

It's just a word. It's a normal word.

Uh, we don't use the word "normal."

It implies "abnormal," which we also don't use.

They're just words. We got to use words.

Okay, everybody, everybody.

♪ We're happy, we're clappy ♪
♪ snappy, happy, clappy ♪

Okay! Silent time...

For everybody.

(Clears throat) Mr. Baxter...

Ho ho... (Inhales sharply)

Don't you know that words can hurt just as much as weapons?

Can they? Let's step outside. You shout a few words at me.

I'll shoot you in the foot with a crossbow.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Baxter, I'm gonna have to ask you and your energy to leave.

Okay. Why not? Why don't we just do that?

Thank you.

(Man on TV) Here along Tanzania's Grumeti River, the feeding ritual of a bloat of hippopotami takes place.

Known to fight over territory, two females spy the same patch of grass, and a lively battle ensues. (Growling)

(Eve) Dad! (Screams)

Usually, the challenging hippo will stop fighting when it is clear that the other hippo is stronger...

I didn't touch your stupid shampoo!

(Screaming) But not always.

Dad! Uhh!

Guys. What? I'm trying to watch a bloat of hippos fight.

What's happening?

Eve has been using my shampoo-- my Eva Longoria shampoo!

I did not!

Dad, would you please settle this and smell her head?

I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna do that.

I want you guys to take care of this yourselves.

Go upstairs. Do it quietly!

(Groans)

Dad?!

(Hippos growl) What?

I just got off the phone with Happy Happy Rainbow.

Congratulations.

Boyd is the first kid ever to be expelled.

(Laughs)

He got expelled from a preschool?

(Chuckles)

That's terrible.

Yeah. They say that our family energy doesn't mesh.

This totally sucks for Boyd.

All of his little friends go to that school.

Baby, he's 2 years old. They're not friends.

They're just little blobs he talks at.

Okay, I need you to get on the phone and beg them to take Boyd back.

(Scoffs) Can't.

Why not?

Don't want to.

You know, he imitates your behavior, and it's not cute.

Well, it's kind of cute.

He's the only 2-year-old I know that can do a good arm fart.

Dad, this is a real problem.

What am I supposed to do with Boyd?

I can't take him to the diner with me.

Well, we find a new preschool. How about that?

When? Tomorrow?

Because it took me six months to get him into that one.

Does that make any sense?

It's so competitive to get into a school that doesn't like competition.

Dad.

All right, all right.

Well, for the next couple days, I can take him to work with me.

Fine. (Sighs)

I'm desperate, and I don't see any wolves available to watch him, so I guess you're the next best thing.

You know, for your information, earth mom...

Wolves are very nurturing to their young.

Ugh!

Hey, I want to apologize for my very justified behavior at that communist preschool of Boyd's.

Honey, that's your mess.

You're gonna need to clean that up.

Meanwhile, back to my neck. Just...

What's the matter with your neck?

Can you believe that old bat thought I was her age?

I mean, look at me.

I'm--I'm way too young to have an adult daughter, never mind a grandson.

Yeah, babies having babies.

Yeah, yeah, and the one day I wear comfortable pants, I get called out as an old lady?

Honey, be honest. How--how old do I look?

25.

Oh, be serious.

All right. 45.

Not that serious.

35.

17. Please make this stop.

Hey, mom...

I wouldn't.

What was Eleanor Roosevelt like?

You really think I'm that old that I knew her?

No, but you know about history, though.

Like, when did the Great Depression end?

Trust me, it just started.


(Dance music playing)

Excuse me. Hi. Uh, do you work here?

Oh, is the music too loud? Do you want to see a manager?

No, no, no. I-I-I love it.

Turn it up, I say.

You know, just, um, shopping.

Oh. Great. Are you looking for something for your daughter?

Nope.

Granddaughter?

Nope.

Great-granddaughter?

Now I'd like to see a manager.

Hey, Mike.

Mike, what the hell is this?

It's a bouncy house.

I put a Sierra tent on some inflatable rafts.

(Chuckles) Looks like fun.

Yeah.

Get it out of here.

Hey, boss. Boss. Ed. Ed. It's for Boyd.

I got him kicked out of a preschool, which I can't say without smiling.

Mike, this is a business, not a day care.

It won't slow anybody down.

(Laughs)

That is awesome.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We need people working. Instead, you've got-- you got Kyle in there, bouncing around with Boyd.

Boyd's not in there. What?

He's off making s'mores with Frank in camping.

Everybody's pretty psyched to hang out with him.

Can't you put that kid in a little crate?

You know, I can see why you're not close to your children.

(Dance music playing)

Oh, wow. (Laughs)

That... is cute.

That's pants.

Oh.

(Chuckles) It's, uh...

(Chuckles)

Are they half off? Because they're short.

Yeah, I get it. (Forces chuckle)

Uh, so do you, uh, do you have 'em in a 6?

We have zero all the way through 2.

Uh...

I'll try three 2s.

Okay.

Mom?

Mandy!

Have you run out of ways to embarrass me?

Well, a-aren't you supposed to be studying?

I'm on a break. What are you doing here?

I--just--I'm shopping.

I'm--I'm trying to find a cute, um, one of these... things.

(Whispers) Oh, mama.

(Normal voice) You're ready for a new look. Listen to me.

I'm going to fix you. Come with me. Come on.

It is going to be... (Singsongy) Amazing!

You are going to look bananas!

We didn't have three 2s, so I brought you six 1s.

(Kyle) Almost done, boss.

Hey, Kyle, what is this?

I said a fort for Boyd, not a shantytown.

I'm doing the best I can. I'm not an architect.

Go ahead. Be disappointed in me like my father...

The architect.

Boy, quit crying, aunt Susan. I just asked you a question.

Hey, uh, isn't that don from shipping?

Isn't he supposed to be taking Boyd for a ride on the forklift?

Uh, no, uh, Neal from edged weapons took him to pet the animal heads.

Neal's in my office, so who's got the kid?

What are you feeding this kid?

I've seen bears drop smaller loads than this little bombardier.

(Thud)

Look who's come around to Boyd.

Well, I'm not made of stone.

I've got some titanium in my left leg, but no stone.

Look at this-- pack of wolves taking care of its cub.

We don't need no stinking preschool.

You got papa wolf there, changing diapers.

You got timber wolf here, building a nice, little fort.

Got curly wolf here, forging for pork rinds for the boy.

Come on!

(Groans) I'm exhausted.

It's been a long day.

I say we head home, we start first thing in the morning, huh?

It's 11:00 A.M., Mike.

(Sighs)

We got to find you a preschool.

Yeah, I understand everything, sure. Can he start Monday?

Great. He'll start-- 14 months from Monday?

That's like high school.

That's not gonna work. Yeah, thanks a lot.

How we doing on that search, Mike?

Not so good. I got him wait-listed at a cooking school.

That's the best I can do.

For God's sakes, the guys are exhausted.

We got no work done.

Come on, please, call that school and apologize.

Apologizing to that guy would go against everything I believe in.

(Thud)

Let me tell you a little story.

(Grunts) I once had a-a buckshot supplier, a real jack-wang, who demanded that I apologize for something I did not do.

All right? Now my pride was gonna cost me a bundle.

Ask me what I did.

All right.

I'll tell you what I did.

All right.

I apologized, and it was hard, but it was the right thing to do, and at the end of the day, I felt very good about it.

All right? So...

Especially after I hired a guy to take a shovel to his Maserati.

Are you sure we don't look silly?

No, mama, we look hot.

I don't know about hot. Do I look hot?

Uh, mom?

Why do you look like Mandy?

Hey, check it out.

We totally got rooster feathers in our hair. Look.

Yeah, we totally did.

What do you think?

You went over to her side?

No, I'm not on anybody's side.

But I needed you to help me with my history homework.

I can still help you.

You can't look like her and know things.

You know, personally, I'd rather be attractive than smart.

Yeah, you made that pretty clear.

Get outta here.

Eve, honey, it's no big deal.

I'm just--I'm trying to be more... fashionable.

Yeah, but what I love most about you is, you just don't care how you look.

Aw. That's really nice...

And deeply insulting.

(Hums)

Are those feathers?

Yeah.

Okay.

So--so--so you hate them?

What?

The feathers, th--you hate them.

Forget it. I don't care. I'm just--I'm...

Something's wrong, isn't it?

No. No, no. It's not--

I know when something's wrong. You know how I know?

'Cause I'm in tune with your lady moods. All right.

Plus I noticed somebody pounded down a brick of baker's chocolate back there.

(Voice breaks) I'm a grandmother.

You just found that out?

(Sighs)

I knew I was a grandmother, but I just--

I just--I never thought of myself as a... grandmother, but--but it's true.

I-I-I do all these old lady things.

What old lady things?

I wear sensible shoes.

I-I-I always have candy in my purse. I...

I enjoy getting knots out of jewelry.

I wish I had known you always have candy in your purse.

Where did our youth go?

The girls took it from us.

Come on, baby, there's no reason to get upset about this.

If you're so okay with getting older, why don't you let Boyd call you grandpa?

It's not my fault that he insists on calling me "Champ."

He calls me "Granny Goose." Yeah.

That may, in fact, be my fault.

Come on, babe. It's silly. It's the march of time.

Days go by. We can't stop that.

We both get older. That's how it is.

Let's have a baby.

What?

Yeah. Women my age are having babies all the time.

Where?

Everywhere... Some places...

New York.

I looked so young when I was pregnant.

'Cause you were young when you were pregnant.

You got to be kidding me.

We can't do it. I don't have the energy.

I had Boyd for eight hours today at work.

A team of seven men were exhausted.

Two of those men climbed Everest with no oxygen.

Don't you remember when I was a new mother?

I was just-- I was so vibrant-- no, no, no, no, no. You were sleep-deprived. You were crazy.

And--and no one cared that I always had food in my hair.

We all cared.

We all cared. We just talked behind your back.

My boobs were giant.

We could talk about a kid.

(Eve) Mom! (Mandy) Mom!

Oh, jeez.

I caught Eve using my shampoo!

I was moving it to get to my shampoo!

I don't want to smell like Eva Longoria!

Oh, but she smells like lavender and--and all things pretty!

Girls! Go to your rooms and shut your doors!

(Doors slam)

Okay, maybe not another baby.

Listen, for whatever it's worth, I think you're beautiful, and I think you're getting more beautiful every single day, and there's no one I would rather walk with towards the sweet release of death than you.

It's a good thing you don't write songs anymore. (Chuckles)

Mm.

Mm.

(Sniffs)

What...

What smells like lavender?

Nothing.

You're using Mandy's Eva Longoria.

No, I'm not.

(Laughs) Oh, I don't believe you.

I'm a big fan of hers.

(Laughs) Oh, Mike.

Thanks for doing this.

It's the right thing to do.

Sorry to keep you waiting. I was meditating and I ran long.

Well, it could happen to anybody.

Listen, I want to apologize for my behavior the other day-- everything I said, everything I did, everything I am.

From a molecular level, I am just sorry.

Wow. I think that is wonderful.

Mm-hmm.

I really like what you've said here today.

So we're good.

We're good, we're done. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Let's, uh, let's get Boyd back here on Monday.

We got to un-teach him all the stuff that grandpa taught him.

Right, we'll see you Monday.

Okay.

Wait. You say this school's all about acceptance, but you're being kind of judge-y about my dad.

Hey, no harm, no foul. What do you say we get outta here?

Well, there is a lot to judge.

It would take all of my charcoal to sketch his aura.

Well, you'd need more than charcoal.

Hey, my dad did a pretty good job raising three girls.

Well, two out of three.

And if Boyd ended up like his grandpa, I would not be devastated.

So we'll see you Monday.

You know what?

I don't even know if I want my son coming to this school.

Oh, sure you do.

In fact, I would rather that he spend every day at work with my dad!

Happy happy snappy crappy snappy happy happy...

Hey.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't the most beautiful, sexy, youthful wife that I know.

Me?

Yeah.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Oh.

And guess what we're gonna do tonight?

What?

Get dressed up, go out to a nice dinner.

Then maybe we'll go dancing, and I mean till dawn. Let's par-tay.

Wow. (Chuckles)

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Doesn't it?

It does. It does.

Huh?

Or...

We could eat cereal in bed and read our books.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh, high fiber for me. It's easier to digest.

Preaching to the choir.