01x04 - Last Halloween Standing

Halloween-- it's an early Christian deal.

Constantine made a deal with the Celts so that they would have Halloween, 'cause they figured on that day, the dead would return to earth, and we dress up spooky to ward off the dead.

I know, dad.

Did I already tell you this story?

Yeah, in the car.

Oh.

Wow. You don't see this much anymore--lady hobo.

Huh?

Maybe.

Eh, maybe.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Lady ninja.

Sure.

Yeah. Here's one.

Whoa. Here. Some kind of joke.

Lady president.

It could happen. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Whatever you want, dad.

What do you mean, whatever I want?

Come on.

Aren't you into this anymore?

Sure, I am.

Be honest.

Dad, I'm super-psyched to go trick-or-treating with you.

I know how much you like looking into our neighbor's houses.

Listen, I know that trick-or-treating is something you and I do together, but if you're over this, I am...

(Lowered voice) I'm okay with it.

Really?

I don't want to cause a medical problem.

I'm really okay.

I don't want to go trick-or-treating.

Huh.

(Exhales deeply)

(Mouths words)

Last Man Standing - S01E04 Last Halloween Standing
Original air date October 25, 2011

Yeah, I'm sure I'm not mad. I'm okay.

It's just that I'm 13 now, and the whole dress-up thing kinda seems ridiculous.

Arr!

(Gruff voice) Shiver me timbers!

Isn't that the patch I wore when I had pinkeye?

Oh, yeah.

(Door closes)

Oh, that outfit is so embarrassing.

What's her problem?

Well, maybe it's that we're used to seeing you more as a mom and less as a prostitute.

I'm a pirate princess.

Yeah.

(Lowered voice) Shouldn't your treasures be a little more buried? (Chuckles)

Every year we go to the Millers' party, and every year I'm the me goody-goody character, like Alice in Wonderland or Cinderella.

Last year you went as Margaret Thatcher.

Last year I didn't dress up.

Let me finish.

(Chuckles) You know, I just thought I'd shake things up a little.

Well, you sure are, every time you move.

(Chuckles) So, uh, you like it?

Well, would you be willing to wear that to our anniversary weekend at the cabin?

Mm... maybe.

I like it. Mm.

Dad, did you happen to pick up the kitty costume I reserved for Stella's party?

Oh, yeah. The fur-lined bikini with the cat ears?

Yep. That's the one.

(Chuckles) Yeah, I saw it.

That's why I got you this.

(Grunts)

What is that?

This is Garfield, America's favorite cat.

But that--that would cover my entire body.

That's right. Here. Take this.

Dad. Listen, Halloween is not an excuse for you to dress up like a tramp.

Baby, you are better than that.

No, I'm not.

Honey, your father's right.

That alley cat costume is totally inappropriate.

Honey, do your panties say "booty"?

Oh, gross. Dad just said "panties."

Don't forget the head.

Hey, mom. Can you take Boyd? 'Cause I'm late for my shift.

Hey. Oh, you have to work on Halloween?

Yeah, but, you know, I don't mind.

People tend to tip bigger when they're dressed like idiots.

Yeah, it was last year that Frankenstein guy gave her a $100 tip.

Yeah, but that's just because I screwed his knob back on.

Does anybody need to hear that?

So Boyd's dinner is in the refrigerator, and his pajamas are on his bed.

And look at the costume I got him.

Baby, look at this.

No, no, no. Dad, Boyd's not trick-or-treating.

No, I can take him.

No, no. He's too young for all that pagan death imagery.

Pagan death imagery?

Yeah, you know, like skeletons, ghosts, zombies.

Ugh. It's just like the ancient Celts, who put on costumes to avoid being recognized as humans by evil spirits.

So that stuff sinks in, not the stuff like maybe check your oil before the engine seizes up or using proper birth control?

Look, I don't want any of that sinking into Boyd's head.

Nothing's sinking in. He's 2.

I tell that kid five times a day to pull my finger.

He still has no idea where the noise is coming from.

I'm sorry, dad. No trick-or-treating.

Listen, we don't want this kid being that weird kid that can't go out on Halloween.

Oh, come on. He's not gonna be the weird kid.

He will if we're not careful.

Look, I'm not the perfect father, but I didn't raise any weirdos.

Ohh.

(Voice echoes) I think someone threw up in here.

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, and we know what you guys like-- a firm rump, long legs, great rack.

Ha ha. We're talking deer here.

That's right, 'cause Halloween is deer season up in the hills.

It's time to get out there and do some huntin'.

Before we do that, we gotta think about gun safety.

We got a guy here that's gonna tell us how to take our guns out of storage.

Gary McKegger here...

(Clicks) He's a firearms expert-- ballistics, bullets, knows everything about guns.

Gary, once we got the bolt clean, you're gonna...

Probably wanna hold on to the gun, tell us about-- here you go.

Any time you're ready... (Clicks)

You just tell us exactly how to pull it out of storage.

Gary is not afraid of any animal, but much like the Rhesus monkey, he's terrified of cameras.

Gary. Gary. All right.

Let's take a break and maybe get Gary an energy bar or...

(Sighs) This is just horrible, and--and you know what else?

Your girlfriend says I can't trick-or-treat with Boyd.

(Sighs) I know.

Can you talk to her?

No way.

What do you mean, no way?

Look, I said to her, "aren't you excited about Halloween?"

And she said, "not really."

I said, "me neither."

Now I'm stuck.

Nice backbone, Susan.

Hey, Ed. Your gun expert is a moron.

He's acting like a zombie in front of the camera.

Oh, Halloween humor. I like that.

You coming to my house tonight to trick-or-treat?

With who?

Eve doesn't want to trick-or-treat anymore, and grandpa's not allowed to take Boyd out.

Wait a minute. Halloween builds character.

Any 2-year-old who can walk up to a man with a chain saw and demand candy can do anything.

Boyd should be allowed to experience Halloween now, while his brain is still soft.

Exactly.

You know, I knew this day was coming. I did.

This is going to be a lousy Halloween.

Come on, Mike. Don't be such a Debbie Downer.

I know what will cheer you up.

Please, Ed, don't put on "Monster Mash."

Why do you think I'm going to play "Monster Mash"?

You think you know me so well.

(Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash" playing)

♪ I was working in the lab... ♪

You got me. You got me.

I dare you not to smile. I dare you. Come on, Mike.

You see, most people think this song is about monsters having a party.

'Cause, Ed... (Turns off music)

It is about monsters having a party.

You know what else it's about?

Please don't tell me it's about family.

It's about family.

(Organ playing)

Ahoy. (Chuckles)

(Candy rattles)

Hey, you want to help me hand out candy?

Want me to help you find your pants?

Very funny.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, here we go.

(Man, singsongy) Trick or treat!

Hey, I say, "treat"! (Chuckles)

Vanessa?

Hey, Bill.

Wow.

Who knew?

Who knew what? (Chuckles)

Uh, nothing.

It's just that I never... Thought of you...

Like that.

We should go.

That was weird.

Well, off to Stella's party, dressed as some ridiculous overweight cat.

I think you look adorable.

(Chuckles) Me, too. I could totally see you floating over a Thanksgiving day parade.

(Clicks tongue)

And the evening just keeps getting better and better.

(Sighs)

Ooh.

At ease, everyone.

Who am I?

Um, John Wayne-- "Longest Day."

No.

John Wayne-- "Sands of lwo Jima." Nope.

John Wayne-- "Green Berets."

Bingo.

Oh.

With his trusty sidekick...

Ah. (Deep voice) Señor bones.

(High-pitched voice) Oh! Look how cute.

(Vanessa and Mike chuckle)

Hey, wait. You're not taking him trick-or-treating, are you?

No, we're just gonna sit here and hand out candy, like all the other shut-ins.

Speaking of the candy, where's all the good stuff we bought?

In my nightstand.

I'll get it.

He looks really cute.

Doesn't he?

You know who would really think he was cute is that old lady on the corner, Mrs. Tanner.

She's, like, 90.

She doesn't have many Halloweens left.

I say we go down there and show her this little costume.

We won't trick-or-treat.

We'll just walk around and look at the houses and decorations.

You want to go with us?

Uh, dad, Kristin told you not to.

(Chuckles) The last time I checked my watch, it still said, "America."

That doesn't even make sense.

(Humming)

(Chuckles) Wow. Look at this place.

Ooh, spooky.

Happy Halloween, guys.

(Humming)

Okay.

Those are the wrong wings.

All right. Don't be scared.

(Door creaks)

Trick or treat.

(Organ playing)

(Cackles)

(Chuckles) Hey. Hey, Ed.

You made it, Mike. Thank you.

Well, it wouldn't be Halloween without stopping by your house, Ed.

(Chuckles) Hey, Boyd. How are ya, pal?

Uh-huh.

Listen, I don't want to crap all over your outfit, but that's not even anatomically close. (Chuckles)

So Kristin changed her mind, huh?

No, no, no. I changed my mind about listening to her.

I mean, come on. You gotta blame Boyd here.

He looks so darn cute in the thing, doesn't he?

Look at that. Oh, yeah, but what if...

(Lowered voice) What if Kristin finds out?

I'm a green beret.

Do I look like I'm afraid of what my daughter's gonna say?

That's good, 'cause she's coming up the walk.

What? Mm-hmm.

(Laughs evilly)

Whoo-hoo.

(Chuckles)


Look at this place, Ed. I mean, it's amazing.

It's better than last year.

Yeah, thanks.

I'm kinda showing off for my new lady friend.

Mm? Whoa.

Mm. Yes. Yes. Hello.

Hello.

(Clears throat) Hi there.

I'm Mike Baxter, and you look like Elvira.

I am Elvira. (Chuckles)

I travel first-class, Mike, or I don't travel at all.

I am gonna go mix up some very bloody marys.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

She really goes all out for Halloween, huh?

She has no idea it's Halloween.

(Organ music playing)

Happy Halloween, Mike. And I'll see you tomorrow.

There you go. Happy Halloween.

Where'd your dad go?

I can't tell you.

Where's Boyd?

I can't tell you.

Did he take Boyd trick-or-treating?

That's what I can't tell you.

(Sighs) Arr.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm a pirate.

Whatever. (Sighs)

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

You love Halloween. What's going on?

Nothing.

No, and let's skip the part where I keep asking and you keep saying "nothing."

(Sighs) It's Victor Blake.

Oh, the nice boy whose ankle you broke?

It was a stress fracture.

Oh, all right.

He thinks Halloween is for kids.

So?

I want him to see me as a woman.

Well, honey... (Chuckles) You're in the eighth grade.

Yeah, and he's in ninth. He's practically a year away from being almost old enough to learn how to drive.

Yeah. (Sighs)

(Pounding on window)

Ohh. Hold that thought.

Hello again, Bill.

Hi, Vanessa. Did I leave my keys someplace?

In your hand.

Oh, God.

(Laughs) I am such a goofball.

(Laughs)

Ah.

Anything else?

Things aren't so great at home.

I should go.

Hi, Mike.

Hey.

Biggest candy haul ever, except the dentist down the street gives you toothbrushes.

There's something wrong with that.

I can't believe you took Boyd trick-or-treating.

Well, believe it.

Kristin is gonna kill you.

Oh, cut it out.

She's not gonna find out about it. A little nougat.

We had a great time, right, Boyd?

(Gasps)

Uh...

Wait a minute. That's the Wong kid.

I know it's the wong kid. Where's Boyd?

No, I mean, that's Jimmy Wong from down the street.

But if we have Jimmy Wong, then where's...

(Both speaking Asian language)

I gotta go find Boyd. Call the Wongs and the police. (Telephone rings)

Tell them I'm checking all the way up to Hudson street. (Ring)

Hello? Oh, thank goodness.

Wait. Mike! Mike. Mike, wait.

Come back. Come back. It's the Wongs. They have Boyd.

Ohh. Yes. Yes, we do.

Okay, that would be great.

(Mike) Ohh.

Thank you so much.

Oh.

Ohh. Ohh. They're on their way over with Boyd right now.

Ah. Empty the cauldron. I think I gotta throw up.

Just relax. It--I think it's gonna be okay.

Okay? I just about lost our grandson.

Yeah, and then kidnapped another kid. (Chuckles)

I didn't kidnap anybody.

I just grabbed somebody else's kid, gave him a bunch of candy, and brought him to my house.

Mike, could--could you please not repeat that story to the police?

Ohh. (Sighs)

How could you not know that this wasn't Boyd?

It's Halloween, for God sakes. It's-- this neighborhood's filthy with skeletons.

As it turns out, it--it's not that original of an outfit.

Hey, Mandy.

(High-pitched voice) Hey, guys. Hey.

Were you just trying to sneak by us?

No. No. No, no.

Really? 'Cause it seemed like you were slinkin' in.

No. I'm a cat, remember? So... (Meows) Good night.

Get down here.

Right now. Right here.

Open that coat.

Where's the Garfield costume?

Dad, this is Garfield. Look, look, look.

Ohh. This is his tail, and these are his ears.

Where's his head?

It's in a dumpster behind the gas station.

You know, I put a deposit on that head.

Hey, that's Becky Wong's little brother.

She's in the grade behind me.

Yeah, for now.

Yeah, I used to babysit him.

Good. You can babysit him right now.

Keep him comfortable, will ya?

All right.

(Doorbell rings) Ohh.

Oh, thank goodness. That must be judge Wong...

And her husband.

Was that Wong?

No, that was Bill Calhoun from up the street.

Remind me to get our spare key back from them. (Chuckles)

Uh, hey, dad. I think I just heard Kristin parking her car.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Okay. Why are you telling me?

I'm practicing. Okay.

Listen, I'm gonna just stall her until the Wongs get here with Boyd.

Hey, keep a low center of gravity.

She'll never get by you.

Hi, dad. Hey, sweetie.

Get any monster tips? (Keys jangle)

(Scoffs)

You get it?

(Scoffs) Yeah, because I heard it 40 times tonight, but, you know, you said it the best, dad.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna go check on Boyd.

Before you go, I'd like to know about your day, so catch me up.

Um, well, it sucked. You're all caught up.

(Chuckles) Hey, come on. It's a diner. Halloween.

There must be something to make dad laugh. Come on.

Um, okay. Um... Hmm, hmm. Oh. Oh!

The, uh, fry cook wore a costume that was highly flammable.

(Chuckles) Kitchen bloopers.

(Chuckles) Right? That's funny.

Yeah.

I thought you would like that.

Yeah. Wait. No, um... Oh, boy. Uh...

Hold on, Kristin. Stop for a second.

Let me tell you something.

I ended up taking Boyd trick-or-treating.

Uh, after I said not to?

Mm-hmm.

Ohh! I have never been so angry at you.

Stick around.

I'm sorry. Who's this?

Boyd's on his way back here right now.

Back from where?

Because everybody that he knows is in this room.

The Wongs'. The Wongs'?

(Doorbell rings)

That's probably them right now.

You'll be laughing about this tomorrow morning.

I can explain.

Hey, Victor.

Yes, sir. Um, can I talk to Eve?

Victor?

Trick or treat.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

I-I thought you hated Halloween.

Yeah, but I know you like it, so, listen, my mom's in the car, and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out at my house and maybe hand out candy and stuff.

Dad?

Sure. Have a lot of fun. Not too much.

I know where you live, Victor.

Yes, sir.

(Chuckles)

Kristin.

Look, I can't live like this. I am moving in with Kyle.

Ooh! I call dibs on your room.

I am not actually moving in with Kyle.

It's an empty threat, like when you say you're going to college.

Boyd's fine.

He's with, uh, a family practice judge and a pediatrician.

He's safer with them than with us.

Well, I think you've proven that.

Uh, let's--let's get Jimmy something to eat. (Chuckles)

Ohh. Yeah, I think he just made some room.

Come on.

Seriously, dad, what the hell?

I took your sister to get her costume, and she didn't want to get a costume, so I bought Boyd something, and he looked really cute in that, and I wanted to show him off... (Sighs)

And it just brought back memories of taking all you girls trick-or-treating, and I think I, uh, you know, got too excited with Boyd.

I'm sorry about that.

So did Boyd have fun?

Up--up until I lost him, yeah.

(Sighs) Boyd's first Halloween.

I really wish I could have gone with him.

It's not that late. You're dressed as a waitress.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Come on. Go. G--take him.

Okay, okay.

All right. Only if you come with us, though.

I'd love to.

(Chuckles) You know what would make it perfect?

What?

If we actually had Boyd.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh.

She's a judge. Be very nice to her.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Ohh.

Ohh . (Chuckles) Boyd, hey.

Oh, Boyd! Hi, baby.

Good to see ya, buddy. Come on in, guys. Ohh. Look at you.

Jimmy! (Vanessa, high-pitched voice) Oh, yay!

Oh, hey, hey. I'm so sorry about this, doc. Are we okay?

Okay? You took my boy.

Well, they all look alike.

Skeletons.

This is not over.

You know, you took my grandson, too.

How do I know who took who first?

Wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know you took mine first.

You didn't know--

Mr. Wong, please won't you accept our most sincere apologies?

Well... (Sighs)

We are practically neighbors.

Yeah.

Hug it out?

(Speaking Asian language)

(Both mouth words)

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

(Singsongy) Good-bye!

Hey, happy Halloween. Thank you both for coming over.

No.

So sorry!

(Sighs)

(Exhales deeply)

She is so lovely.

(Organ playing)

♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪
♪ my pirate princess-a ♪
♪ right from the start ♪
♪ you plundered my heart ♪
♪ I must confess-a ♪
♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪
♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪

(Stops playing organ abruptly)

Bill.

Vanessa?

Yeah. (Sighs)

Where's your pirate outfit?

It's--it's in storage.

The boots, too?

Bill, go home.

See you at car pool?

No.

I understand.

All right, Boyd.

This is the first law of hunting. Yay!

(Chuckles) If you shoot it, you gotta eat it.

That's right.

Let's say this is the deer you just shot when you were up by our cabin.

Honey, uh, Mike, honey. He's 2 years old.

I'm just trying to teach him to eat the whole thing.

Yeah, but do you have to tell him that he...

(Whispers) He killed it? (Mouths words)

(Normal voice) Do something appropriate.

Why don't you just say the spoon is a--is a choo-choo train or something?

Make it, you know...

(Imitating train chugging) Yeah. Here we go..

(Chanting) The choo-choo train is coming down the track.

What's in the track but a big, fat deer? (Humming)

We killed that deer. Try this here.

Mmm!

(Laughs)