01x05 - Co-ed Softball

Hey. How was soccer?

Ohh. Another thrilling 0-0 tie.

This is why soccer is America's fastest growing sport.

I don't know why coach plays me in defense.

I score tons of goals in practice.

Does he know you want to play forward?

He should.

How? Did you tell him?

No, but when he put me at sweeper, I folded my arms and made a face like this.

(Sighs)

So the coach is supposed to know how you feel based on that look?

(Vanessa and girls) Yes.

If you want something, honey, you're gonna have to speak up, you know?

Sometimes if a door doesn't open, you're gonna have to break it down.

You wanna play forward, you gotta be forward.

Like it says on your mug?

Exactly.

I don't want to take someone else's position and hurt their feelings.

Hurt their feelings?

Baby, this is what sports are all about-- hurting people's feelings.

If you're not hurting somebody's feelings, you're losing.

Now there's your mug.

Are you gonna speak up?

(Groans)

Am I supposed to understand what you mean by that?

(Vanessa and girls) Mm-hmm.

Last Man Stading - S01E05 Co-ed Softball
Original air date November 1, 2011

Ohh. Morning.

(Groans)

(Sighs) What's the matter?

Don't engage her.

She'll stop working and start complaining.

This is ridiculous! (Sighs)

If colleges really wanted people to go to their stupid schools, why do they make their applications, like, 20 pages long?

You know, some of the books you'll read in college are actually a little longer than that.

How many of these applications have you finished?

Um, almost... one.

One?

Almost. (Chuckles)

Ho ho! (Singsongy) I recognize those forms.

Your ticket out of this joint.

Yes, it must be miserable living in this palatial cage with free food.

So if you had your first choice, where would you go?

Um, to the recycling bin with these.

Mandy, college is important.

Without college, there would be no college football.

Way to sell it.

You know, Albert Einstein never went to college.

That's a myth.

Well, Khloe Kardashian never went to college.

And she knew it was one of those two.

There's only one application you need to fill out.

You're going to Michigan.

Ohio state. Here we go.

Maize and blue. Scarlet and gray.

You see this?

You were supposed to go to one of their stupid schools to satisfy them, so thanks for nothing.

You know that's actually why I got pregnant-- just to mess with you. Face!

Ahem.

Dad, no. Please don't.

♪ Hail! To the victors valiant ♪
♪ in old Ohio ♪
♪ hail! To the conquering heroes ♪
♪ there's a team that's known throughout the land ♪
♪ hail! To the victors ♪
♪ 11 warriors ♪
♪ brave and strong ♪
♪ leaders and the best ♪

Dad.

♪ whose fame will... ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ Ohio!

♪ Hail to the... ♪ dad.

What?

You know how you said I should speak up when I want something?

Yes.

I want this to stop.

(Laughs)

All right, as you all know, bow season has begun, and we are moving the Elkhorn series, especially the 1712, online.

A lot of hits on this. The reps are showing you how to use 'em.

I want you to get out there and push this product.

I want the forests in Colorado to look like a scene out of "Braveheart." - Yeah.

What's "Braveheart"?

"Braveheart." "Braveheart." Mel Gibson.

Right. The guy from, uh, "what women want." (Chuckles)

It's bow season. Let's butch it up a little bit.

Hey, Mike. It's not just bow season.

That's right.

It's also the sportsmen's invitational softball tourney this Sunday...

(Men) Yeah!

(Man) All right!

And we're gonna show those guys at Ted's Tackle Box that their bait does, in fact, stink.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Hey, you still pitching?

You know it.

You still be chomping down corn dogs out there in right field?

(Chuckles) Yeah. It's a tradition.

It is, isn't it?

Well, softball, bow season.

Ed is probably walking on air, huh?

(Slams down receiver) I've never been so miserable in my life.

Gallstone?

I wish.

I'd give my left nut for a gallstone.

This is worse.

The parks department just called.

If we're going to use a public space for the tournament, the teams have to be co-ed.

(All groaning)

Yeah. Or what?

Well, if we don't have at least one lady on the field, they'll pull our permit.

What's the big deal?

My ultimate frisbee team was co-ed, and we won the title.

Well, we would have, if we had kept score.

Somebody get me a bat.

Make it look like an accident.

I will.

Look, I'm just psyched to play softball with you guys, and if we don't go co-ed, then we don't play, and if we don't play, you all have to spend Sunday with your wives.

Hippie has a point.

All right, guys. Let's go. Show of hands, show of hands.

No, no, no. Let's do a secret ballot, you know, to protect the innocent and the timid.

You're right. Secret ballot, the way we voted to switch from bagels to doughnuts in the break room.

It was a high point in democracy that day, only slightly overshadowed by that massive heart attack Curly had.

All right, look, we can count on me, you, the guys in guns and ammo, right, Forklift Frankie... (Chuckles)

Uh, but, you know, I'm just a little worried about those fellas in gift wrapping.

It's, uh... They know it's our team.

They're gonna do the right thing.

Well, I hope so, because sports are the last bastion of male camaraderie, you know?

I mean, we have to make a stand.

Women are banging at the door, and we have to stop them from kicking it in.

All right. Uh, all right, pass these around, would you please, guys? Gentlemen... (Clears throat)

Just mark down, uh, mark down "co-ed" if you want to play with girls, and, uh, just "Ed" if you prefer men.

That didn't come out right, did it?

(Bird screeches) Camping is an activity we can do all do together, but when did it become mandatory that men and women do everything together?

Women want to do everything men do.

Sports-- women want to have sports, sporting events with men.

I don't get it, 'cause if you beat a woman, you're a bully.

If you lose to a woman, you're an embarrassment.

And then you have daughters, and it throws everything out of whack.

I want a world where women can do everything a man can do.

They just don't want to.

Okay. Buy some tents.

(Knock on window)

Hey, Mike. They're counting the votes.

Ohh.

All tied up with one vote left to count.

Mr. B., can I get a drumroll?

What do you think?

And the final vote is...

Co-ed. All right! Yeah! (Chuckles)

We did it.

Guys?

Oh, come on. I know half of you voted with me.

Larry? Come on.

Larry, you...

Well, what's done is done, huh?

The majority voted to go co-ed, and we have to honor that decision.

You're gonna hunt 'em down like dogs, aren't you?

Every last one of them.

(Groans) I hate writing these essays.

Oh, I remember it being kind of fun.

Mom and dad aren't listening. You can be normal.

Come on. Come on. I'm serious. What's your topic?

Um, I'm supposed to write about someone who inspires me, but I'm worried they're not gonna know who Ke$ha is.

Okay. (Sighs)

Well, why don't you write about your favorite author?

Write about a writer?

That's like painting a painting of a painter.

All right. Scoot over. I'm gonna help you. Scoot over.

Really? You're sure you're not too tired from work?

No, no, no. Come on. It's exciting.

There's so much to learn.

Ugh. You were always so into it.

Yeah, well, I did plan on becoming a doctor, and traditionally, doctors go to college.

Mm. (Blows raspberry)

Come on, Mandy. You have to have dreams.

I do.

I want to be a fashion designer.

A shockingly young fashion designer.

If I go to school for four years, I won't be shockingly young anymore.

Well, you'll still be shockingly cute.

Yeah?

Yeah, so that's something.

Yeah? Yeah? You're right.

Hey, stop fighting. (Laughs)

We're not fighting.

Yeah, we're totally getting along here.

Well, knock it off.

How are you doing on the applications?

Ugh.

Just do the Michigan one first. You are gonna love Ann Arbor.

Who's she?

Ugh.

Honey, I think sending Mandy to Michigan is a reach.

We gotta think of something else-- a trade school, the T.S.A., a short-order cook, or maybe even Ohio State.

Yeah, I just don't know if forcing Mandy to go to college is the right move.

Yeah, what horrible parents we are, dropping 100 grand so she can read books and meet boys.

I mean, if she's not into it, it's-- not into it? A lot of things that we're not into, we do.

I'm not into kale, but it keeps showing up on dinner plate.

Wow. You are in a snarky mood tonight.

Snarky? Is that what you come up with?

Yeah.

Well, maybe I'm working through something.

Well, go get a bran muffin.

It's not that kind of problem.

I want to play softball with my buddies, right, but when people tell me my daughters can't do something that I know they can, I feel like, you know, punching 'em in the face, but I don't want to be a jerk, and then, you know, I don't want to punch myself in the face.

That's--that's-- that's just weird.

What the hell are you talking about?

You know our corporate softball team?

Master Batters.

We have voted to go co-ed.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, and you're feeling guilty 'cause you voted against it.

Actually, I'm nervous 'cause I voted for it.

Yeah, you know...

(Whispers) Wow. Wow. And I don't think Ed's gonna like it, and I'm afraid of what he's gonna do when he finds out.

Mm.

I think I'm gonna have that bran muffin.

Uh-huh.


(Crowd shouting indistinctly, cheering on TV)

Boyd is sleeping with that goofy smile on his face that lets me know he is your grandson.

(TV mutes)

I sleep with a smile on my face, huh?

Oh, you smile.

You frown. You yell at other drivers.

It's a lot like when you're awake.

Ugh.

Still feeling guilty about how you voted?

I thought he'd be such a good president.

Co-ed softball is gonna change the whole dynamic at work.

Well, does the woman have to work at outdoor man?

No, they've opened up to family or friends.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, why don't I play?

Yeah, right. Eve, get in here a minute.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Why not?

No. No. No.

She's all-league in three sports.

Come on. Why not?

Why not what?

(Sighs) No, your father has this crazy idea that you would want to play softball with a bunch of gassy, beer-swilling slobs.

Pfft. Heck, yeah, I do.

Eve.

Think it'd be fun.

Good for speaking up. This is great.

You can't say "no" now.

What kind of lesson would that be teaching her?

No, it's preposterous. She is 13 years old.

So what?

Bam! She got you again.

Mm. (Clicks tongue)

(Sighs) What are you reading?

Mandy's college essay-- "My hero, Virginia Woolf."

(Chuckles) Hey, that's Kristin's favorite author, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Did Kristin write this?

Nice work, Castle.

Hey, nice essay, Mandy.

Thanks, mom. Thanks.

Yeah.

Virginia Woolf-- impressive.

Yeah, I've always loved her work.

Oh.

So...

So, uh, do you have a favorite?

All of them.

Mandy.

Yeah?

Name one.

I couldn't choose.

Spell "Woolf."

I don't want to.

Oh, you know you can't submit this, right?

Mom.

Mandy, you didn't write it.

When did you figure it out?

The first "I" in "Virginia."

Look, Kristin came home in the middle of working a double shift.

She took the time to help me.

If I didn't turn it in, it would be totally disrespectful, and I wasn't raised to treat people like that!

She gets this from you. She flees to avoid conflict.

Mike!

(Sighs)

And then... there were six.

(Knock on door)

Hey, Ed. Look who I found in the parking lot.

All-league in three sports.

(Chuckles) All right. (Chuckles)

Eve of destruction, how are ya, kiddo?

Awesome, Mr. Alzate. Thanks for letting me play.

Oh, no. No problem.

There's nothing better than playing competitive sports with... (Strained voice) Girls. (Clears throat)

(Coughs)

Come on. We'll find you a uniform.

Hey, Pete. Find her a uniform in the back stockroom.

See if we got something small that will fit her.

Look, nobody's happy about this, but if we have to have a woman doing it, why not have it be Eve? (Groans)

She's fast. She's a great leadoff batter.

I bat leadoff.

Well, you'll still bat leadoff. She'll just go first.

Hey. This kinda ruins the spirit of a secret ballot, doesn't it?

The Basque are known for two things, all right?

Delicious smoked meats and... revenge.

A psychological profile and a handwriting analysis?

Are you getting close to finding the traitors?

Uh, a few are still eluding me.

Hey, you what they say-- if you don't get that perp in 24 hours, it's hopeless.

Who says that?

You know... people.

I can't stop now, you see, because that's treason, and you know what that means for the guilty.

Paintball-on-the-bare-leg safety test.

Tried-and-true. No reason to mix it up.

(Panting) Hey, guys. I've got some bad news.

What is it, Kyle?

You know the big plastic moose out in front of the store?

Yeah. Well, those jerks from Ted's Tackle Box painted a wiener on it.

This is war.

All right, all right. What have you got in there?

Oh. Ed asked for it.

Oh, uh, you're a good kid, Kyle.

(Chuckles) Now roll up your pant leg.

(Clicks)

Is it gonna hurt?

Uh... have you ever had a bee sting?

Yeah. Yeah. (Chuckles)

It's--it's like a thousand of those.

(Door closes)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Listen up.

Old buckshot here is cool. No need to change anything.

We can all be ourselves around here, all right?

All right. Sweet.

Yeah.

Hey, listen up, guys. So, uh, a priest, a rabbi, and a very busty methodist walk into a bar...

(Men chuckle)

Hey, Pete. Shut your piehole.

Okay. Okay.

All right, guys. Let's get ready.

Are we ready to kick some... opponent?

Can I say something?

Uh, rookies don't talk, kid.

Just ignore him. He's being crotchety to get some attention.

Go ahead. Speak up.

Nah, it's okay.

Speak up. Remember what we talked about?

Stand up for yourself.

Okay. (Sighs) I was just wondering, can I pitch?

You heard what he said. Rookies can't talk.

Hold on. Just--just a second. Just a second.

Listen, uh, can you, uh, throw strikes?

All day long.

I like what I'm hearing.

She's just a 13-year-old girl. I mean, how good could she be?

Okay.

All right, kid, let's see how close you can come to that lamp on my desk, all right?

That's pretty close.

(Vanessa) Hey. How did it go?

Great. We won. Baxter pitched a great game.

Ah, that's my man.

Not that Baxter. The other one.

Mom, we had so much fun, and then afterwards, we went out for ice cream and bourbon.

I had the ice cream.

Yeah.

None of this would have happened if dad hadn't told me to speak up for myself.

Yeah.

Oh.

Thanks, daddy.

You're welcome.

You didn't mind not pitching, did you?

Of course not.

I mean, you did awesome in right field.

Run along now.

She's adorable.

Maybe we should send her off to boarding school.

(Chuckles) You know what's great about having kids?

Do tell.

We get to take credit for everything they do.

Well, thank God she's not robbing banks.

(Chuckles) Come on. There must have been a moment when you were watching Eve pitch that you felt pretty proud.

Every single moment.

Yeah.

Ah, Mandy.

Mm?

Did you redo your essay?

Sent my applications in.

Ah.

That's not what I asked. Is it your work or Kristin's?

Uh, well, I couldn't have done it without her.

You are being obnoxiously vague. What does that mean?

It means what it means.

I am gonna go watch some TV in my room.

You don't have a TV in your room.

Oh, yeah. (Chuckles) I know.

I just wanted to make you say that out loud so you could hear how cruel it sounds.

(Mouths words)

Oh, boy. What do we have?

"Who is Virginia Woolf?" Or "Why I like shoes"?

Neither. Mandy rewrote her essay.

(Sighs) "Even when her own life didn't take "the path she thought it would, "she always helped others stay on theirs.

She is the kindest person I know."

(Voice breaks) "She's my big sister."

Oh. (Chuckles) You don't need to cry.

Oh, come on. You're a little misty, too.

Nah, I was-- I was just remembering how sad I was that Pluto is no longer a planet.

(Mike) Ed, can I talk to you about somethin'?

There's just one left. One left, Mikey. Just one left.

Yeah, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Mm. I know it was you, Mike...

But I forgive you.

(Exhales deeply)

And you want to know why I forgive you?

Because we've had a great friendship for three decades.

No.

Well, you understand my predicament of raising daughters.

Didn't even occur to me.

Well, then why is it, Ed?

Because when that little hothead of yours beaned that jack-wang from Ted's Tackle Box, it was the greatest sports moment of my life, man!

(Laughs) It was great, wasn't it?

The guy's standing there, and his tooth fell out right when he was looking at me.

Yeah.

He goes, "ohh!

It's just a game, little girl!" (Laughing)

I'm telling you!

Oh, man. I can hardly wait for spring training.

Now you keep her on a good regimen over the winter, all right? (Laughs)

She'll probably grow a couple inches, and she'll get a little zip to that swing.

Those S.O.B.S will never know what hit 'em. (Laughs)

(Chuckles) Just roll up your pant leg.

(Clicks)

(Sighs)

What's up?

I think I want to go to college.

(Chuckles) I know, I know, I know.

There's Boyd, and it's really expensive, and I don't even know if I deserve a second chance.

Kristin.

It's just--it's just that helping Mandy...

Kristin.

Reminded me that I still have dreams.

Kris.

What?

Great minds think alike.

Look what I've been looking at.

(Chuckles)

Universities.

I was just looking at four colleges within an hour of our doorstep, all of which are rated higher than Ohio State.

I heard that!

You'd better get started on your applications.

(Chuckles) Okay.

Okay, well, here's the essay question.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be?

Gandhi.

Why?

More food for me.