01x07 - Home Security

Hey.

You get the paper?

No.

(Knob rattles)

(Sighs and grunts)

Vanessa? Again? (Keys jangle)

How do you know they're mine?

'Cause your key chain says "geologists rock" and "don't take me for granite."

(Kristin) Hey. Good morning.

Hey.

Did you hear there was a break-in in the neighborhood last night?

A break-in?

You mean one of the neighbors was rude enough not to leave their keys in the front door?

It was the Bergen's house.

The Bergens?

Mm-hmm.

That's not right.

Oh, I know. They're such nice people.

No, I mean we've got better stuff.

Have you ever looked--have you ever looked in their house?

The TV's from the '70s. Just look in their window sometime.

Just pretend like you're jogging.

You know, I think we need some sort of security system.

We have a great security system at this house.

I've got a cabinet full of rifles in my den and these two big guns right here.

As impressed as I am with all your various guns, I still think we need to organize a neighborhood watch.

That's a waste of time. It's like your book club.

It started off as a good idea, but it just turned into an hour of women complaining about their husbands.

And how do you know that?

'Cause nobody brings any books.

We may do a little catching up.

Oh, speaking of book club-- all right, you guys cannot repeat this.

Promise.

Who am I gonna tell?

You're the only one in the neighborhood I talk to?

Mom, the gossip?

I saw her hugging a guy in a car who was not her husband.

Oh, mon dieu.

I'm gonna go to work.

And he sure looked like he was enjoying her new boob job.

You know, it's-- it's rude to walk out in the middle of a story.

Last Man Standing - S01E07 Home Security
Original air date November 15, 2011

Hey, Mikey. How's it going?

Boning up for the sales meeting next week, huh?

No, actually, I'm looking at home security systems.

There was a break-in in my neighborhood this week.

What kind of system do you have?

Well, right now I've just got a big N.R.A. Sticker in my front window.

That's--that's a solid start, but you can never be too prepared, you know?

I have boat radar on my roof.

Boat radar?

Are you concerned at all about radiation?

Hasn't affected me a bit.

You had a full head of hair a year ago.

I don't know. That--that "E" series-- that's an idea, but I don't want to go that far.

Really? All right, let me paint you a little picture.

All right.

You're family's at home playing Parcheesi, and suddenly masked intruders burst in shouting orders in a language they don't recognize.

God almighty, Ed.

All right, I'm sorry, okay-- I-I got carried away there.

All right. Anyway... They grab the little one--

Ed.

Okay, all right, I take this too seriously.

Look, if you're not comfortable leaving the family, I can handle the meeting alone.

Oh, really? With Frank Lippe?

You know, every time that guy comes to town, he gets the better of you and he takes you right out to the Woodshed.

Well, what am I gonna do? That's his favorite bar.

Don't worry. I can handle myself.

You can negotiate better than anybody I know, except with Lippe that guy seems to have some weird hold on you.

That's ridiculous.

Really? Do you remember last year?

(Frank and Ed laugh)

(Laughs)

So what do I have to do to get you to walk away from this table with a thousand slightly irregular tents?

Whoa, slightly irregular?

They put the zippers in the wrong spot.

You'd have to tunnel your way in.

I'll take 2,000.

And one more for my friend.

Fine, one wrong decision.

One?

Hunting hats with antlers, huh?

(Laughs)

I'll take 600.

Ed, a lot of good people are gonna get shot.

Yeah, Mike has a very good point. Yeah.

No deal, Frank. No deal.

Hey.

Okay, I'll--I'll take the 600.

I j--I-I just can't stay mad at the guy. Look...

All right, two times. What's the big deal?

The big deal-- we got three lawsuits pending, and a lot of people got shot in this store.

(Groans)

All right, everybody listen up. This is the major alarm.

This is very important-- Mandy!

For just a second, can you focus on this?

This little button here is "empty house."

You press that if you're leaving.

"Full house," you press if you want to meet John Stamos.

Alarms, infrared sensors, laser beams-- isn't this still America?

If I get your question, the answer is yes, this will make it more difficult for you to sneak in after curfew.

So in the even of an emergency, will you have a second-in-command?

And if so, could that person be me?

Sweetie, that'll be your mom, right?

And if she's neutralized?

Does anybody have a problem with Eve being second-in-command?

(Both) Yes.

Okay, all right. You're second-in-command.

(Whispers) Yes!

(Mike's voice) The front door's open.

The front door is secure.

When did our front door get such a sexy voice?

Listen, I've added my pipes to the voice system to calm you guys in case there's a crisis.

I think this right here is a crisis, a time when our personal liberties are being compromised.

What's with her?

Well, I think Paul Revere here's worried the alarm system might cut into her midnight rides.

Well, I like the new security system.

You haven't seen the best part of this yet.

Everybody come down to the basement.

I got something to show you. Come on.

Just take a minute. Come on.

All right. Let me introduce you all to... the panic room.

I thought you told us this was the bomb shelter.

Which became our storage room.

And briefly Mandy's make-out room.

You have a baby.

And briefly my make-out room.

All right, used to be the bomb shelter, now it's the panic room.

Now ideally, this should be up near the master bedroom, but that space is now occupied by a... (Singsongy) walk-in closet.

Oh, I cannot believe you are still mad about that.

I'm not mad about it.

I just wonder why a couple in Denver needs a whole wall of flip-flops.

Eve, show us how it works.

All right, listen up.

If we hear the external alarm, we make our way here.

We lock the door and call the police.

Response time?

92 minutes.

Excellent. It's actually 11 minutes.

Wait. So when are we gonna vote on the alarm?

We don't vote-- because my vote is still "no."

Mandy, it's only gonna be on when we're asleep.

(Sighs) When you're asleep.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, my God.

That is the time capsule I made when I was 8.

Dad. I thought you said you were gonna bury this for me.

I'll bury it when I bury your grandma. I'll do that then.

There's nothing in there but scrunchies and something called "a letter to my future self."

"Dear me, if you're reading this, "I'm guessing you're now a pony doctor or an underpaid waitress."

Wait. It says that?

Oh, ha ha.

Okay, all right. All right.

I'm just looking for your undivided attention for two minutes. Please, girls.

(Gasps) Oh, hey, look, a box!

(Groans)

Oh, photos. Dad, is this you with a BB gun?

Let me see. It's me or my brother.

That's me--studly. Look at that.

4 years old, buck naked, with a rifle-- those were the days boys could be boys.

Okay, dad. Are we done here?

I suppose so, but you know where the alarm is?

Yes, yes... You know how to get the alarm and shut the door?

Did you read-- remember this?

You know, we should convert this into a fitness center.

Come on. It's a piece of history.

That's why we bought the house-- had a bomb shelter in it.

Remember those days in the '50s? The Russkies, the Cold War.

Remember, in school they had you duck and cover?

Like that's-- like a desk is gonna help.

Just get under your desk.

Nuclear war can't get through a desk.

"Look out! Aah!"

Remember? You were terrified 24/7.

What a great time to be alive.

This is why you don't want a neighborhood watch.

What does that mean?

Because you literally have a bunker mentality.

It's circle the wagons, us versus them.

Listen, in time of crisis, we can only depend on us.

Honey, sometimes I think the only reason you wanted a family was so you wouldn't have to talk to anybody else.

Worked out pretty well, didn't it?

Why can't we do what the Stapletons did in their neighborhood?

Trim our bushes to look like animals?

No. No, no, no.

We--we organize a community crime watch and have the neighbors over to discuss it.

In our house? Yeah.

Great idea--Mrs. Wong correcting our grammar, that--that chubby guy Christopher eating everything we got in the house...

Oh. And what is the guy with the captain's hat?

The skipper--what is-- who--what is that?

Why do you wear a captain's hat? I think he's bald.

Come on. It'll just be for an hour.

An hour? That's how it starts--an hour.

You got strangers in your house going through your bedroom and your closets, rummaging through your medicine cabinet.

And how do you know that?

'Cause that's what I would do.

Ugh. Ugh.

So that's it? It's not even a discussion?

No discussion. I'm serious. Case closed.


I want to welcome you all to my home.

(Vanessa) Okay. I think we're ready to get started.

You know we're 2,000 miles away from the ocean?

Mike.

All right, well, first I would like to thank everyone who, uh, showed up tonight on a school night.

Oh, my God.

What? Never mind.

(Whispers) I didn't go to school today.

Mike, would you like to say a few words?

I did. I said, "let's do this quick."

Quickly.

What?

It should be "let's get this over quickly."

(Forces laugh)

Um, all right. Does everyone have pie, coffee, uh...

Please, just make yourselves at home.

Except in the rooms that I'm painting...

Which is the kitchen, this whole area here, my office, the entire upstairs, and all of the bathrooms except the one that's marked "you can use."

(Chuckles) Uh, at this time, I would like to introduce our new neighborhood security coordinator, Marvin Slater.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Thank you.

Uh, actually, I prefer to be called, uh, officer Slater.

But you're not a real cop.

Ah, I'm basically a cop.

Your badge has a peach on it.

Oh, that's what that is.

(Mike and Kristin laugh)

Guys. Can you stop acting badly?

(Mrs. Wong) Bad.

Pardon?

It's "acting bad" not "badly".

(Under breath) Can you believe this woman?

Now you people, uh, can help yourselves by keeping your windows closed and--and your doors, um...

Uh, your doors, uh...

Locked?

Uh, no. No, it's not-- it's not that. Uh...

Unlocked?

Yes, locked. It's "locked."

Sorry.

So the point is that, uh, you know, no intruder wants to rob a neighborhood... That... is... um...

(Sighs) Uh...

It's, um...

Well-lit um, no, no, no. It's, uh...

Vigilant? No.

Secure? No.

Safe? Well-lit.

This is great pie.

(Lowered voice) Well, this guy couldn't find a burglar.

He can't find the end of a sentence.

(Normal voice) Hey, uh, Marvin? Martin?

Officer-- Marvin. How you doing?

Good. Great. You know, I think--

I think we got the message. Think it's been great.

Everybody--great speech... Oh.

Informative, very motivational. Okay.

How about a... Okay.

How about a round of applause for our officer?

Great job. Great job. Thanks so much.

Okay, stay safe. Okay.

Okay. All right.

What an idiot.

Honest to God, folks. Come on. Well, we gave it a shot.

We tried, we got everybody here, you had your pie.

I say put your plates down, don't make a mess, get out, and remember, mow your lawns. It's for everybody.

No, no, no, no, no, no, he's kidding...

I'm not kidding. He's kidding.

Yes, 'cause Marvin was about to assign watch rotation, and now you need to do that.

No way. Hey. Let's be honest.

How many in this room want to pair up and walk around in the dark together?

By a show of h-hands.

Come on. Nobody?

(Mike) Hey, Ed.

(Ed) Mm.

Those jackals on the loading dock got to the sandwich cart first, but I did get you the last turkey club.

All right, thanks, Mikey. Okay, what's the damage?

5 beans, buddy.

All right. I'll give you 3.

What are you talking about? 5 bucks, come on.

I'll give you $2.25, not a penny more.

Hey, how about this?

You owe me nothing, and I'll eat the sandwich.

You eat that sandwich, you owe me $45.

Ooh. Are you on those muscle supplements again?

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

I just--I'm getting pumped up for the big fight tonight.

You know, me versus Frank Lippe, the war to settle the score. That's all.

I got, uh, Lippe in the fifth, and by fifth, I mean fifth of scotch.

No. No, Michael. Michael, no, no.

Not this year, no.

I've been reading a few books on the art of negotiation, and they all say the same thing.

"Don't be drunk."

Okay, so this one, you have to solve for "x."

How about 5?

No. No, no, no. Don't just guess. Figure it out.

(Groans)

Okay, wait. So "x" can be, like, any number?

Yes, it can.

So what's wrong with 5?

Amanda, how have you gotten through math so far?

I try. I really do.

I don't know, but then I just start feeling overwhelmed and...

(Voice breaking) And then-- and then I start to panic, and then... I don't know. I just feel like, "God, I'm gonna grow up to be such a loser."

(Sighs) The answer's 7.

And that's how I've been getting through math class!

(Mandy's voice) Door's open, and this alarm system is a waste of your money.

(Laughs) It's funny 'cause it's true.

You put your voice on my alarm system?

Yeah.

You can reprogram the alarm system, but you can't back the car into the garage?

Garage isn't stealing my rights.

Honey? You're on night watch tonight--you and Dr. Wong.

Please, can you just... behave yourself?

(Sighs)

He's a man...

Yeah.

He's a doctor. He's bright...

We'll figure out something to talk about.

(Crickets chirping)

You like sports?

No.

Motorcycles?

Don't see the point.

(Exhales deeply)

(Dog barking in distance)

How long is our shift?

Two hours.

Two hours. How long we been out here?

12 minutes.

Well, speaking of boobs...

Guess who got a boob job?

Angie Peters. That was months ago.

Yeah.

What if I told you her husband wasn't the only one enjoying those boobs?

Really?

Yeah.

According to who?

Well, I can't I.D. the witness.

(Whispers) Let's just say, it's my wife.

(Speaking indistinctly)

(TV turns off)

Ohh, I'm watching that.

Guess who just phoned? I'll give you three hints-- my good friend Angie, her boobs, and Dr. Wong.

It seems the whole neighborhood is talking about Angie's affair, and everyone thinks I am the one who started the rumor.

Well, in fairness, you did.

Mike, I told you that in confidence. How could you?

Well, I'm walking around with a guy I don't know, and in order to break the ice, I started talking about boobs, and he already heard about her boobs, so I-I, you know, had to give him something fresh.

You are so concerned with keeping us safe in this house.

You want me to feel safe?

Don't repeat the secrets I tell you.

(Footsteps recede)

So when Frank Lippe makes an offer, I'm gonna make a buzzer sound, like... (Imitates buzzer)

Yeah? And then say, "the price is wrong."

See? Like in a game show. (Imitates buzzer)

Yeah, I got it.

Mikey, are you with me?

A little distracted.

When I left the house, Vanessa was kind of mad at me.

So call her.

You know, I think she probably needs some time, you know?

So don't call her.

But I can't stop thinking about it.

This is starting to feel like a lady conversation.

Mr. Alzate?

So...

(Clears throat)

Yes. Uh, forgive me. Uh, who are you?

Misty Cavanaugh. Frank couldn't make it.

He's caught up in Grand Junction.

I will be your sales rep tonight.

I'll take a thousand.

Of what?

Whatever you got.

Lippe by a knockout.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello? Hi.

Where are you?

(Chuckles)

Okay--all right, I'll be right there. Yeah.

(Cell phone clatters)

(Chuckles)

What's this?

It's, uh, an apology wrapped in a bomb shelter.

Oh, wow.

I was wrong.

Which time?

I-I'm kidding.

Go on.

You were wrong?

I violated your trust, and I do want you to feel safe in every way.

Well, it's not all your fault.

I mean, I did start the gossip and I did force you to interact with our neighbors.

(Exhales deeply)

So unnatural.

I wish we could live down here. It'd be so simple.

I know, honey.

We got everything we need.

You got canned stuff, you got mattresses, you got peaches...

(Mouth full) Mmm. Honey, this is really good. What is this?

Ooh.

"Pork loaf."

From the '50s?!

(Knocks on window)

(Chuckles)

(Loudly) So how'd the sales meeting go?

(Chuckles)

From what I remember, it's possible I'm not the negotiator I thought I was.

Well, what'd you buy that I gotta sell?

200 boxes of big-n-wide hiking shorts.

So we make little tents out of 'em. What else?

Ohh.

40 boxes of fish jerky.

Doesn't go bad...

Starts out bad.

That's it?

I might have asked Missy to move in with me.

Thought her name was Misty.

Could be, could be.

That's one of the things we can work out if she ever... brings my car back.