01x08 - House Rules

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Wow.

That smells great!

Mmm!

Hey, soccer champ. What do you say we go outside and throw an American football around a little before dinner?

Nope.

Nope?

Look, can't I just enjoy my paper?

Hoo-hoo!

What's wrong with princess Leia?

(Chuckles)

You know that aisle you avoid in the drugstore?

Wow.

That's a-- that's a big day, huh?

Big change, huh?

Don't have to be awkward talking to me about it.

You know, I've had a lot of conversations with your sisters.

Get out.

Good talk.

I am so psyched!

Mom, Travis and I just booked tickets to the new Cirque Du Soleil show, "Plinq."

Plink?

Yeah. With a "q."

The entire stage is a piano played by French-Canadian clowns-- oh, pardon. I mean cloons.

Wow. Did I hear "clowns," "pianos," and "Canadians"?

Yeah. That's like the hat trick of misery right there.

Hey, dad?

Are you sure you don't mind watching Boyd tonight?

No. I love Boyd. Come here.

Grandpa just wants to hold on to you for just a second.

Honey, here you go.

I have a date with Kyle.

Ah, good old reliable Kyle. Can you be in by 12:00, please?

I will not be in by 12:00. I am 20 years old.

Do you pay rent?

No.

Do you live under my roof?

Yes.

You'll be in by 12:00.

Ugh!

(Chuckles)

Can you fix this?

Last Man Standing - S01E08 House Rules
Original air date November 22, 2011

(Gasps)

(Lowered voice) Kyle, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

(Lowered voice) This is not gonna look good.

No, look, don't panic. We didn't do anything.

Still, I'm a little gun-shy around your dad.

Literally.

He has a lot of guns.

Keep your voice down. We will sneak you down the stairs.

Okay.

Kris, are you up?

Crap! Quick! Hide in the closet!

Kristin?

No. No! No...

(Thud)

Or do that.

(Knock on door)

(Gasps)

Hey, Kris. Hey, dad.

Everything all right? Yeah.

I just wanted to let you know that Boyd was just a gem last night.

Oh, great. Thanks. What'd you guys do?

Uh, well... It's freezing in here, honey.

Well, we ate a little bit, read some fishing magazines, had some scotch.

Ha! You or him?

The point is, he was out like a light.

Say, Kyle didn't spend the night, did he?

What? Why would you say that?

Because he's limping across the damn lawn.

I don't--I don't think that's him.

Run, Kyle!

Looks like we had an unwanted visitor in the house last night.

Oh, honey, Eve is 13. It's just simple biology.

Ew. I'm not talking about that.

Kyle spent the night.

Does he want breakfast?

Breakfast?

Last time I saw him, he was limping across the front lawn.

Oh, okay. All right. Just calm down.

Why don't you calm up?

You know what my parents would have done to me if they caught me with a girl in the house?

They would have escorted her out, shut the blinds, and pistol-whipped me.

Oh, all right. Well, let's call that plan "b."

Well, we've got to do something!

Stop. Just stop. You can't control the world.

From the mailbox to my barbecue grill, this is my domain. I can control this world.

All right, all right. Look. Look.

I realize as a man, your instinct is to take action.

This isn't about being a man.

Why do you bring this-- it has nothing about a--

Yes, it is.

We have teenage daughters!

One daughter in particular has a guy in her room!

Listen to me--pretend you're on a bomb squad.

You gotta tread very lightly, or else you know what's gonna happen? Kaboom!

That's not the right analogy.

Yes, that is the right analogy.

Bomb squads don't work like that.

They get a safe zone, then they get some protection, they go in there and they try to detonate the damn thing.

Oh, really? Really?

That's the way you're gonna deal with this?

Yes, I'm gonna go find a mattress, some goggles, get a stick, start poking people with something!

Whatcha doing, Kyle?

Just unloading these multi-channel walkie-talkies.

Mm-hmm.

That's quite a limp you have there, son.

It's nothing. I just sort of fell.

Out a window.

Onto a garden gnome.

Ouch.

Well, every limp has a story. What's yours?

Can you keep a secret?

You know Denise in shipping?

What about her?

Exactly.

Anyway...

I, uh, I went out with Mike's daughter last night, and I sort of stayed over.

Oh-ho. I see.

Does Mike know?

I'm not sure.

(Mike) Hey, Kyle!

He knows.

(Mike) Is Kyle down there?

If you see him down there, send him up here!

Hey, Ed. Hmm?

Where's Kyle?

He was here a moment ago. I...

(Kyle, whispering) Ed. Is Mike there?

(Normal voice) He's standing right next to you, isn't he?

Over.

Where are you? Over. (Beep)

Nothing happened, sir. We were just talking.

It was her idea. Over. (Beep)

Kyle, listen to me. I'm gonna hold your arms back, and Mike's gonna punch you in the face.

That's street rules.

Then it'll be over. Over. (Beep)

Uh... I don't want to be punched in the face.

Out. (Beep)

This isn't over. Over.

I'm gonna fire that kid.

You can't fire somebody because he follows his heart.

Come on now.

What are you talking about?

You had daughters.

Did they ever have guys over for the night?

We were just talking, sir. (Beep)

Shut up, Kyle. Over.

No, no, no. Absolutely not.

I set boundaries. I called them "the Ed commandments."

"Ed commandments."

And the number one commandment was no shenanigans under my roof. That's it.

I so get that.

I mean, nobody wants to think of their little angel playing human wheelbarrow with some monster.

God sakes, Ed!

Okay.

Look, the point is you gotta lay down some ground rules so the inmates don't forget who the warden is.

You still mad at me? (Beep)

No, I'm not still mad at you.

Where are you? (Beep)

Loading dock. Over. (Beep)

Sucker.

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Hey, guys, guard yourself.

It's that time of the month.

That's right. It comes once a month.

No big surprise to men. But women?

They're always surprised once a month.

How can they forget something that happens once a month?

We remind them, they get mad. That's right, it's the Outdoor Man ammo sale.

What did you think I was talking about?

(Laughs) You little devils.

It's all about being out of control with stuff, isn't it?

The weather--we sell so much stuff around here to control the weather-- G.P.S., weather stations, rain gear, tents that light up.

What do you end up doing to protect yourself against the weather?

(Effeminate voice) You dress in layers.

(Normal voice) Just like some primitive guy, huh?

You can't control anything!

Gophers-- we have gopher traps here.

Ever try to trap a gopher? You better like holes!

They're just popping up, going... (Laughs maniacally)

You're in control of nothing! Nothing!

I tried to keep a big buck out of my house 'cause I got does walking around, right?

I go up there, the buck's jumping out the window because he looks at a bear!

Can I control it? No.

You can't control diddly-squat! Nothing!

You think you can control something?

You probably still think grandpa's got your nose.

I digress.

That ammo sale is on.

One month only. Period.

You're staring at it, aren't you?

What?

The pimple I got from my stupid girl period.

I-I don't see any pimple.

You're a filthy liar!

You know what? That's it.

It's time for two of mommy's special pills and a chocolate milk.

All right, ladies.

Family meeting. He couch, okay?

Oh, no. Why is he using his creepy calm voice?

Beats me. He's your father. I just married him.

Gonna have a family meeting on the couch.


(Kristin) Dad, what's going on?

I know what you're all thinking-- it's been a while since we've had a family meeting.

Or ever.

Or ever.

But it's come to my attention that there's some things that have gone a little loose, and I wanna establish some rules.

Rules--I--what? You didn't talk to me about rules...

Bear with me.

Just let me do this. You and I will talk about it.

Just give me a minute. Listen to what I have to say.

All right.

Rule number one... (Sighs) My computer is my computer.

When I come home, I don't wanna see shoes on there or gossip columns or cats dressed like old people.

(Giggling, imitating cat meowing)

All right. Stop it. Stop it.

Ugh. Rule number two--

I don't know what it is about here in Brassiere-ville, but what is it about hanging bras in the bathroom like Christmas ornaments?

Is there some rule against washing them where everybody else washes their stuff?

I don't hang my underwear in the bathroom.

That would be terrifying.

And bras are not acceptable tops.

A sports bra is still a bra.

And because of your history grades, I'm gonna move your curfew back to 10:00.

Whoa. Starting when?

Starting now.

No, no, no! But me and Travis have tickets to "Plinq"!

"Travis and i."

You're going with Travis?

Nobody's going with Travis.

So I'm going to be "Plinq"-less? But what about the cloons?

Mike, what-- what are you doing?

(Under breath) Listen, when I finish what I'm doing, you'll know what I'm doing, then I'll explain what I'm doing, all right?

All right, the last rule's not pointed at anyone in particular, but I don't want any... Shenanigans in this house.

Uh, what?

What's shenanigans?

s*x. Doing it.

Hey. Gross.

This is all your fault, Kristin.

You've ruined everything for me and Eve.

Whoa. Leave me out of it.

I don't want to have shenanigans.

Wouldn't worry about it, honey, with that giant zit on your face?

Mom! Mom!

Mike...

You know, I'm a grown woman. You can't tell me what to do.

You live under my roof?

Yes.

Do you pay rent already?

No, dad, I don't pay rent!

Then I have every right to tell you what to do in my house!

You know, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about the roof and the rent.

And I'm getting a little tired of images of you and Kyle in a wheelbarrow digging up turnips!

Oh, my God!

Mike!

Turnips?

Dad, nothing happened.

I don't believe you.

You--that's it! I'm moving out!

You're not moving out.

Ho-ho! You don't believe me, do you?

No, I don't.

Mike, Mike, Mike, tell her she's not moving out.

I just told her.

Well, tell her better.

(Door slams)

And kaboom.

(Exhales sharply) Wow.

Wow. What the heck is that?

Thank you all. Meeting adjourned.

Mike!

Hey, I know you're upset.

I'm upset, too.

I'm not upset!

You're rotating your tires. You do that when you're upset.

I'm rotating my tires to equalize tread wear.

You're supposed to do it every 6,000 miles.

And when was the last time you did it?

About an hour ago.

I would be playing catch with my youngest daughter, but she won't play catch with me.

All right, look, it's not a good situation, but it could be worse.

How could it be worse?

We could have four daughters.

Look Kyle is a nice, normal guy, and he seems to really care about her.

Right. Under that goofy exterior lies the devil.

Oh, come on.

What kind of example does this set for the other girls?

I mean, they--they look at Kristin's behavior, it'll set a precedent.

And they're always looking for loopholes.

Now, Mike, stop. They're teenagers. They're not lawyers.

Mandy--she'll be using this.

"Uh, per the landmark case of Kyle and Kristin vs. The state of decency, I'd like to have a roman orgy up in my room."

Mike, look, like it or not, Kristin is an adult and a sexual being.

Ah! Oof. You don't know that.

She has a child.

Maybe she caught something in a public swimming pool.

If she wants to have s*x in this house, I'm not for it--end of story.

You know that story doesn't have a happy ending.

Ugh. Do you have to use those words?

(Knock on door)

Come in.

Oh, hi.

I can't believe you're really moving out.

You've been in this house my whole life.

I've never lived here without you.

Oh. I know. Oh, I know. But look, it'll be okay.

Okay? I'm still your big sister, so you can't be sad.

I am sad.

I can't help it. I-I hate when things change.

Oh. Yeah. Me, too.

Why are you holding paint swatches?

Just because.

I haven't even moved out yet.

I know. And I'm dreading it.

But--no rush--

I would really love to start priming in the morning.

Unbelievable!

Hey, come on. You're leaving anyway.

Why can't I miss you from this larger room, in... Robin's egg blue?

Get out!

Oh, don't even think about sticking a treadmill in there.

Hi.

Mom, you can't talk me out of this.

I wasn't going to.

But I would like to hear your plan.

My plan is to not live in a police state.

Well, unlike, say, North Korea, we're having lasagna for dinner.

I'm going to Kyle's. Boyd loves Kyle's apartment.

He thinks his roommates are the Wiggles.

Honey, you know, your father loves you.

You know that, right?

Yeah, well, he has a funny way of showing it.

Yeah, well, tell me about it.

For our tenth anniversary, he threw me out of a plane.

(Sighs)

Listen, why--why don't you just stay here tonight and see how you feel in the morning?

Mom--mom, I can't. Kyle's expecting us.

Okay. All right. Well...

Will you just call me in the morning?

Of course.

(Tape measure snaps)

(Voice breaking) I'm just so sad, because...

She's been here my whole life, and...

Stop, stop, stop.

(Door closes)

Hey.

It's called knocking, Mike.

I can lend you literature on the subject.

Those "Ed commandments" went over like a lead balloon at my house.

All the girls started yelling at me.

Kristin moved out.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Caused my family nothing but heartache.

For years, my daughters wouldn't speak to me, I wouldn't speak to them.

It was--it was just a big mess.

Why didn't you tell me any of this?

Well, I'm--I'm not a great communicator.

I thought I just made that clear.

Kristin moved in with Kyle. Where is that little rascal?

I'm gonna have a little conversation with him.

Calm down. Come back. Come--come on.

Listen... Mike...

When I was Kristin's age, there was this girl who lived in the next town, right?

Now I used to swim across an icy lake to go see her, all right? Now this is before modern wet suits.

For insulation, I would cover myself with bacon grease.

And there were wolves waiting for me on land.

You've told me this story a number of times.

You added the wolf thing, which is good. I like that.

All right. What I'm saying without saying, and you're forcing me to say now, is that maybe you've forgotten what it's like to be young and in love. Hmm?

What are you, a greeting card?

Oh, boy.

I'm tired of hiding from you.

You've been walking around here like I've done something wrong.

Haven't you? You come into my house-- you invited me into your house.

You date my daughter-- you fixed us up.

Kyle, your facts are starting to piss me off.

I would never disrespect you or your daughter or your home.

You should know that by now.

Hey, how is she?

She's good.

(Kyle) And I'm in love with her. Over.

What are you doing here?

Well, that's some greeting. Does your manager know that's how you say "hello" to customers?

He has a general sense of it, yes.

Well... Kristin, what I'd like is something that's flavorless but yet makes me feel a little bloated.

Oh. Well, you're in luck, 'cause that's all we serve.

I particularly don't recommend the Sushi.

A Sushi melt?

Uh, how about just some apple pie?

Okay.

Please.

Okay.

When I was first out of college, I had to live with my parents for a while.

My dad used to come into my room every morning and ask me if I made my bed.

23 years old-- did I make my bed?

Okay. Is there a point?

The point is, we're always our parents' kids.

Yeah, but, dad, I'm not a kid anymore.

Baby, you're my kid, you know?

And you and I may disagree on what's fair, but that's not gonna change.

And I'm never gonna be okay with having shenanigans in my house.

(Bell dings)

How are you and the Boyd doing at Kyle's?

Well...

Boyd loves it, because they have a trampoline where most people keep a dining room table.

I want you to come home.

There, I said it.

Nothing's changed.

How about if I promise I'll try to treat you more like an adult and respect you?

What if I try harder to earn it?

No more curfew.

No shenanigans...

In the house.

All right. Deal.

Thanks.

Do you have any coffee to go with this great pie?

Yeah.

(Mouth full) I kind of like it.

Put raisins in there.

We don't put raisins in our apple pie.

Oh.

Honey, I'm telling you, I can hardly even see it.

Are you sure? Please, don't touch it.

I'm supposed to give an oral report first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh.

Well, trust me, it--it's practically gone.

Okay. If you're sure.

Wow. When's that gonna go away?

How you doing?

I miss my childhood. Thanks for asking.

(Mouths words)

Hey, Kyle.

Hey, dad.

Hey, honey.

Mr. B.

(Stiffly) Well, I enjoyed our dinner.

(Stiffly) Yes. It was a wonderful date.

Yes.

He's a lovely young man.

Why is your shirt inside out?

Good night, dad.

Just breathe.

(Exhaling)

I don't know.

(Voice breaking) Can you just explain it to me again?

Because I'm just really angry and confused and upset right now, and I don't get it, and I want to understand.

Okay. Listen to me, please.

Yeah.

Kristin... needs...

Her... room... back.

I'm still not following.

Ugh.

I'm living in a house filled with crazy people!

Ow. My God. Ow.

Hey, dad.

What's up?

Still feel like tossing the ball around?

Well, I would, but it's 11:30 and it's, like, 28 degrees outside.

Oh, well, just forget about it then!

(Sighs)

I'm gonna get out and rotate the tires!