01x09 - Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Hey, Mike. You got any plans tonight, huh?

Oh, great man plans-- park myself in the den, watch a little ESPN...

Ah.

And I got some leftover brisket to make a sandwich out of.

Oh, yeah. Nothing beats family, huh?

You know, when you ask a question just to make conversation, you don't listen to the answer, do you?

Yeah. Me, too.

You're losing it, old man.

Who are you calling old?

Oh, that you heard.

Mm. Yeah. Age is just a state of mind, my friend.

Is it really?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know that civil war, uh, shotgun you have?

Uh-huh.

Did you buy that new?

Oh, yeah. The 1800s. Yeah, that's-- that's around the last time you picked up a check.

Boom! He got you, Mr. B.

Hey, Kyle. Is that a new haircut, or did big bird just crap on your head?

(Laughter) Huh?

Boom! Another good one... (Chuckles)

Except now my feelings are hurt.

Oh, toughen up, ginger. Come on.

You don't want Ed to like your hair.

If he liked your hair, it would show that he didn't have respect for you.

Come on. Come on. Hit me.

Yeah. Come on.

Come on. Give me your best shot.

Come on. Come on.

I don't even think I could.

Oh, you can do it. Step up. Put your back into it.

Look, I'll help you out. I'll start it off.

Yeah. Hey, Ed.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Is that a beard or...

Okay. Uh... just some hair on your face?

Ka-boom! (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

I can't even look at him, Mike. I...

Ohh. Travis just tweeted that he's staying in tonight.

Ohh.

He should tweet that he just set the world record for boring.

Excuse me. My boyfriend isn't boring.

What was his tweet before that?

"I like mittens."

(Chuckles)

At least he's taking a stand on something.

Yeah.

Hey. Big night tonight. (Keys jangle)

They are letting me close the diner.

Forever?

No, Mandy. When they close it forever, they use a grease fire and an insurance claim.

Oh.

Ohh, Mandy. What?

Travis was just tagged in a photo with Lizzie Trautwein one minute ago.

Can't be. I told you he's staying in tonight.

Doesn't look like he's in, but he is enjoying that apple pie she's feeding him.

Travis lied to me?

On--on a wildly popular social network?

I'm sure there's an explanation.

Yeah. He's in love with Lizzie Trautwein.

What? How? I don't understand.

She has, like, freckles and glasses but acts like she doesn't.

Come on, Mandy. You're the first runner-up.

Hold your head high.

Hi.

Hey.

Are we having company?

Yeah.

Why didn't you call me?

Well, what would you have said?

No.

That's why I didn't call you.

Tonight?

Why, you have plans?

Yeah, a date with ESPN and a plate of meat.

Mm.

Too bad. A new couple moved into the house on the corner, and I met the wife while I was power walking, and we really hit it off.

Ah, sounds more like power talking.

(Sighs) Oh, could you not say every smart-ass thing that pops into your head?

The scary thing is, I don't.

(Nuts rattle)

Well, Rebecca's really nice, so I invited them over for dinner.

And so what does Mr. Rebecca do?

I don't know.

You guys will doing your "girlie talk," and I gotta deal with a guy that probably h-has a chiropractor that's a wizard.

"Let me show you on your back.

Let me walk across your back."

(Chuckles)

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, they're here. Do not eat the hors d'oeuvres.

Well, what are they here for?

Hey, Rebecca.

Hey, Vanessa.

(Mouthing words) Welcome to our humble abode.

(Door closes)

(Chuckles) Oh, you shouldn't have, but I'm glad you did.

Come on in and meet my grumpy husband.

Hi. Mike Baxter.

Hi. Rebecca Hatton. Charlie's running a little late. Hi.

Yeah. Lucky.

Whenever there's anything on about football, submarines, or quicksand, Charlie has to rush home and record it.

Yeah. "Fast Death by Quicksand."

I'm DVR'ing that myself. That's cool.

You know, we gotta meet our neighbors more often.

That's what I always say, we should meet our neighbors more often, and we always fight about it.

(Engine revs)

Oh, that'll be Charlie.

I know what you're thinking. What kind of maniac rides a motorcycle at this time of year?

(Doorbell rings) My kind of maniac. I'll get it.

(Ring) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Ring)

Come on. Keep it in your pants.

Hey, Char--

I'll do my best.

Charlie?

Yeah.

Of course. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Come in.

Thank you.

(Vanessa laughs)

(Rebecca) How do you possibly get banned from a hot dog cart?

Ohh. Oh.

Look, when they start watering down their mustard, I have a civic duty to start screaming things at people.

I would do the same thing.

You do do the same thing.

I won't go to the movies with her anymore 'cause she's always yelling at the screen.

(Mike and Vanessa) Mm.

Mm.

I'm sorry, but when 20 bad guys are firing at Matt Damon, and they all miss, I'm gonna shout some profanity.

Well, what about this?

He shoots 50 people, never reloads.

I could sell a thousand of those guns.

I'll tell you that right now.

(Laughs)

They think we're idiots.

Yeah. It's insulting is what it is.

(Chuckles) Now you saw that movie twice.

You even bought the DVD.

I like being angry.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles) There's no better feeling.

All right, it's late.

We should probably go.

Oh, man. Boy, this has been fun.

Ohh. This was nice.

(Mike and Vanessa) Yeah.

Mike, I gotta be honest.

I really didn't want to come here tonight.

There's nothing I dread more than "meeting the neighbors."

Hey, you're singing to the choir.

Just 'cause your lawns touch doesn't mean you gotta be friends.

Really? You two are bonding over how much you hate bonding?

Vanessa, Charlie and I are going to the antique fair on Sunday.

Oh, I'd love to go to that.

Oh, good. Now I don't have to.

(Both chuckle)

Hey, listen, it's supposed to warm up this weekend...

Mm-hmm.

So while the ladies are perusing...

(Under breath) Old crap...

(Chuckles) Yeah.

(Normal voice) What do you say you drag out that bike you've been boasting about and see if you can keep up with me?

All right. I'll lube up the chassis.

Get the bike ready, too.

Good times. (Chuckles)

So should, uh...

Uh, should Rebecca and I be jealous?

No, the only man Charlie would cross over for is John Elway.

Same with Mike.

(All laugh)

Good night.

See ya, guys.

Travis won't call me back.

Well, technically, your message didn't say "call me back."

It said, "I hope you die."

He knows that that means "call me back."

Oh, my God. I have an idea. Okay, guys.

When Britney and Justin broke up, what did he do?

Um, hook up with what's-her-name.

Before that.

Hook up with what's-her-name.

Before that.

Oh.

(Both) Hook up with what's-her-name!

No! Everyone, shut up. No.

He made "Cry Me a River," the single greatest revenge breakup video of all time, and that's our move.

But he's Justin Timberlake.

So what? We--we are The lnglorious Baxters, and we are going to make the new greatest revenge breakup video of all time.

We? No, no, no, no, no. No. No, no.

Do not drag me into this.

Kristin, look at me.

I will give you 20 hours of free babysitting.

Let's shoot it right here in the diner.

Hey, Eve. Listen to me.

I know you don't like to dance, but hear me out.

Whoa. I do like to dance.

Moving on.

Travis wants pie, huh? (Chuckles) Oh.

I'm gonna give him pie till he cries.

The song will be called "pie rack."

(Claps hands) Yes.

Okay, we roll camera phones after closing.

That gives me approximately 45 minutes to conceptualize, write, score, choreograph the whole thing.

It's not gonna be easy.

I'm not used to work of any kind. (Chuckles)

Do you need to go somewhere quiet?

I don't even know. (Sighs)

There's something about that Charlie I like.

Well, of course. She's exactly like you.

(Scoffs) It's not... (Clattering)

It's not that.

I mean, she's smart, insightful, and funny.

Oh, I get your point.

Yeah.

(Dishes clatter)

I just think it's kinda weird, you planning a whole day with another woman.

I mean, it's... I could barely get you to even come to our rehearsal dinner.

What's to rehearse about dinner?

You eat. You go home.

And why is she any different than Phillip at your office?

No, no, no.

You know, you guys go shopping together.

He's in the dressing room with you.

No, it's different. It is.

Why is it different?

Why is it okay for a woman to have gay male friends and it's not the other way around?

How come I can't have a gaggle of lesbians hanging out with me?

(Sighs)

I wish I could be a lesbian.

It's not that hard.

No.

What I mean is, uh... (Sighs) It must be nice to have a partner you can share your clothes with.

When one talks, the second one really listens, and when the second one talks, the first one really listens.

Boy... (Chuckles) I could never be a lesbian.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Yes. Been such a pleasure waiting for you to leave.

(Lock clicks, keys jangle)

Eve, what are you doing?

This is what real directors do. Just...

Okay, can you just turn the camera on, please?

All right. Places, everybody.

Rehearsal. Now remember, we are all waitresses, we all hate Travis, and we're all holding pies, yes?

So just, um, follow my lead, and then we'll fix the rest in editing.

(Clicks)


(Instrumental R&B/hip-hop playing)

Now you break it down. Go.

♪ Apple, cherry, lemon meringue ♪
♪ I wake, I bake, I do my thang ♪
♪ sad to say, I'll never take you back ♪
♪ so wave good-bye to my pie rack ♪
♪ her pie rack ♪
♪ my pie rack ♪
♪ her pie rack ♪
♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪

(Gasps)

Eve.

What?

Hey, Kyle. If your chest were more concave, we could fill it with birdseed.

(Chuckles) Good one, sir.

Uh, say, Mr. Alzate...

Huh? Yeah.

Ahem.

"Did you drive to work today, "or--and this is more likely-- did you get chased here by dinosaurs?"

(Sighs)

Kyle, you, by far, are the most inept ballbuster I've ever met.

Oh.

"Oh, no, you didn't."

I'm looking forward to that ride with Charlie.

Oh, you're fooling yourself, Mike. Come on.

You cannot be friends with a woman.

What are you talking about? We both have women friends.

Not me. I have lovers.

You make that word sound creepy.

Lovers.

Stop it.

Besides... (Chuckles) Charlie's actually, uh, more like a guy.

Yeah? In what way?

Uh, she likes women.

Oh, I wasn't aware of her sapphic leanings.

She's not leaning. She's tipped all the way over.

Mm.

No doubt to the great delight of her lovers.

Shut up.

So your new friend has, uh, a predilection for the secret garden, hmm?

Let's not judge, Ed.

No, no, no, no, no.

"Live and let love" is what I always say.

Yeah, but, uh, watch out, Mike.

She may seem like snips and snails and puppy dog tails, but inside, a woman is still a woman.

(Chuckles) Mm?

Thank you, Billy Joel.

Mm. I'm just saying, they're a different animal from us...

I know.

A-all right?

Yeah.

The way they think, the way they move, their generosity as...

Hey, hey, hey. Don't say it, please.

(Whispers) Lovers.

("Pie rack" playing)

♪ Her pie rack ♪
♪ my pie rack ♪

(Mouthing words) ♪ her pie rack ♪

(Mouths words) ♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪
♪ ow ♪

Aw.

Hmm?

Hey, mama.

Look at the three of you working on a project together, just like when you were little girls on a rainy day.

(Chuckles) Mm.

What you working on?

Uh, we're cyberbullying.

Okay, well, just clean up after yourselves when you're done.

(Engine revs)

Oh, there goes dad, off to meet his new girlfriend.

Which reminds me, I gotta go pick up mine. (Chuckles)

We're going antiquing.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, doesn't it?

(Chuckles) No.

Do you guys think Rebecca and Charlie ever fight, or do they just talk and share for hours and agree on things and wander around farmers' markets?

Mom, are you jealous of lesbians?

No. (Chuckles) No, no.

Honey, I've made my choices, and I am stuck with them.

So how did my exhaust taste?

Better than those sandwiches you made us stop for.

Those weren't sandwiches. Those were paninis.

Paninis?

I think that's the gayest thing I've ever heard.

(Chuckles) That's just 'cause you're a sore loser.

Oh, please. I let you pass me.

Sort of a senior discount.

Speaking of discount, that leather jacket's nice.

I didn't know that goodwill had a gay section.

Oh. (Laughing loudly) Oh, that's so... oh.

See, that's how lesbians laugh when they think something's not funny.

Are you thirsty?

Let's watch a little bit of the Bronco game.

Read my mind. (Chuckles)

Now seriously, why do you think my bike's getting loose on the corners?

Well, with your low center of gravity, you should be carving up those turns.

What--what does that mean?

Well, you've heard of "junk in the trunk."

You've got a whole garage sale going on back there.

(Chuckles)

You think I have a big butt?

Well, it's bigger than this one down here.

(Chuckles)

I think I'm gonna go.

Why? The game's gonna start in, like, 20 minutes.

No, that's all right.

I don't want to take up too much space on your couch.

Oh, come on. I took a shot. I was just kidding around.

See ya later.

(Chuckles)

(Door closes)

This is what straight guys look like when they're real uncomfortable.

(Chuckles)

(Football playing on TV)

(Door closes)

Mike? What did you say to Charlie?

Oh. (Turns off TV)

I might have intimated that she's got a big caboose.

What?

You know, we were just taking shots at each other.

I was treating her like one of the guys.

But she is not one of the guys.

I mean, there is not a woman in the world who would think that's funny.

I know that now.

Do you have any idea what it is like to come back from a day of antiquing with your new friend and find her partner crying in her motorcycle clothes on the front porch?

No, I do not.

Well, it's... weird. (Sighs)

Yeah, and now Rebecca's mad at me because Charlie's mad at you, and I'm mad at you because Rebecca's mad at me... (Sighs)

So you need to fix things with Charlie so that Rebecca and I can be okay.

Hmm. Hmm. Why didn't she go inside to cry?

Really?

And that's--that's your takeaway?

Mike Baxter for outdoor man reminding you that winter huntin' brings off winter's best friend, hypothermia, so watch out. Dress yourself well in down-filled coats you can buy at our store.

You got gloves that look like aliens like this.

(Babbling)

You got fiberfill. You know what?

The best defense against winter--thick skin.

Let me explain.

You want to know the gender of the animals out there?

Mention the size of their rear ends.

A lot of junk in that trunk!

See the one turning and charging me?

Gotta be the female.

That's right. When did they get so sensitive about their rumps?

A wide ride used to mean fertility.

That's right. Yeah.

We domesticated the ass, what, 3,000 years ago?

But you'd better not mention the size of an ass unless it's carrying your gold back from the mine.

You think it's cold out here? Wait till I get home.

(Clears throat) So...

How's your new gal pal, Mikey?

Not so good.

I said something wrong, and she snapped.

(Singsongy) I told you.

But she tricked me.

I thought it was a man in the shape of a woman.

Turns out to be a woman in the shape of a woman.

Just because she likes women doesn't make her less of one.

Well, it ought to.

Uh, Mr. Alzate?

Yeah. Uh, your doctor called, and you're late for your prostate exam...

By 35 years.

Wow. You--you're really getting the hang of it now.

(Chuckles)

No, I don't think you're hearing me right.

(Chuckles) Oh. You're on fire, man.

Come on. No, I-I don't--

(chuckles) Hey, Kyle, Kyle. Kyle, take the victory.

Well, Travis saw the video, and now he wants me back.

He left me one, two, three, four, five crying messages, which are all available as audio downloads on my home page.

(Snaps cell phone shut)

(Door closes)

So how does it feel to clear your life of men?

Awesome. You know, I think this will be good for me, like, a time of focus and self-renewal.

Wow. This is a whole new side to you.

Ooh. 400 boys posted comments?

And there's the old side.

All right. I'm going to the movies with Kyle.

And I am gonna go on a first date with Dylan Damischek. Oh, no, no, no.

Seth Thornton. "Mandy Thornton."

Ooh. No, no, no. Boyd Baxter.

Oh, who's he? Uh, my son, your nephew, and the kid you promised you'd babysit tonight.

He will want you to read this book 20 to 30 times.

Come on. I don't want to stay in tonight.

Oh, my God. So many hot guys are poking me right now.

(Giggling)

(Mouths words)

Are you trying to kill me?

(Chuckles) Daddy, it's an expression.

But a terrible one.

Has anyone poked me?

(Chuckles) Could we?

(Laughs)

(Eve and Vanessa) Hey.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Ooh. What do you have there?

An apology gift. I'm gonna go over to Charlie's and try to smooth things out with her.

Oh. Well, you've never given me a gift when you apologize.

I would go broke.

Oh. (Chuckles)

It's a little skull and crossbones key chain.

It will go with her bandanna. You think she'll like it?

I don't know. We're in some weird territory here.

Want me to go with you?

No. It's one of those times in life that a man has to apologize to a lesbian by himself.

Don't try to joke your way out of it.

Just say "I'm sorry" and get out of there as quickly as possible.

Right. Just like our honeymoon.

(Both chuckle)

Maybe you should just write a note.

All right. I'll be back when-- oh, hey. I was just coming over to your house.

Oh. Can I come in?

Yeah, please.

Thanks.

Um... listen, uh, sometimes I forget that there's ways of connecting that don't involve insults.

Actually, uh, I came to say I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Yeah. I overreacted.

Rebecca reminded me that if I'm gonna hang out with a guy and dish it out, that I've gotta be willing to take it.

Having said that, if you so much as mention my ass again...

(Chuckles) I will clock you.

Right. Hey.

Is that for me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Thanks.

Uh, do you have time for a beer?

No. I'll take a rain check.

I gotta get back to the ball and chain. (Chuckles)

Oh. Rebecca, huh?

No. Our new toy.

Therapist thinks we need to bring the surprise back to our romance, you know what I mean?

(Chuckles)

("Pie rack" playing)

♪ So when you wake up ♪
♪ and begin to wonder why ♪
♪ your day no longer starts with my key lime pie ♪
♪ should have thought of me ♪

♪ as more than just a snack ♪
♪ the content of my character, not the content of my rack ♪
♪ ow ♪
♪ should have shown some respect ♪
♪ checked your behavior ♪
♪ soon another guy will enjoy your favorite flavor ♪

Boysenberry bliss, as a matter of fact.

♪ 'Cause ain't nothin' sweeter than Mandy's pie rack ♪
♪ her pie rack ♪
♪ my pie rack ♪
♪ her pie rack ♪
♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪
♪ ow ♪

(Clears throat) Well, well, well.

You have done the impossible.

Thanks.

You've ruined pie for me.