01x11 - The Passion of the Mandy

Wow. What are you working on again?

Oh. Geophysical survey.

I have that presentation. I'm just, uh, going through the calibration procedures for a well bore.

(Chuckles) You know, when we got married, I thought I was the smart one.

(Laughing)

(Sighs and chuckles)

It's--it's not that funny.

Hey, guys. Okay, so you know how I'm always saying that I want to be a reality TV star?

Yes, with zero positive reinforcement.

(Singsongy) Well, I think I'm on my way!

Why? What happened?

There was a fire in the chem lab at school!

Wow. Was anybody hurt?

Oh, no one important, but, um, a TV news crew showed up, and I got to be on camera looking really, really sad like this.

Dad, look.

(Whispers) Oh, my God. (Gasps)

Wow, that's great...

Yeah. That you're passionate about somethin' that could, uh...

I got nothin'.

(Sighs) Hey, don't worry. This won't change me.

What a relief.

You know, in the blink of an eye, she's gonna be out of the house.

How is she gonna support herself?

Honey, I don't think you have to worry.

She is never moving out.

Yeah. You know, sometimes I wonder how we ended up with her.

Shall I remind you?

Moody Blues concert, two bottles of Boone's Farm, and you said... (Slurring) "Let's take a bath."

(Mouths words)

Last Man Standing - S01E11 The Passion of the Mandy
Original air date December 13, 2011

Well, I wasn't on the news, I'll never get that time back. (Sighs)

Hey, Eve. I think I'll be able to make it to your soccer game today.

That's great, but could you tone it down just a little bit?

Is this about last week?

Look, I was just being enthusiastic.

"Hey, cork-for-brains, the ball was out!"

It was all in good fun, honey.

(Chuckles) Dad, the ref ran off the field in tears.

Well, to--in my defense, for a dude to cry that quick, there's something else going on.

Morning, Mr. B. Here's your paper.

Hey, Kyle. It's awful early for you to be so happy in a house you don't live in.

He stopped by to take me and Boyd to breakfast.

Yeah, I'd take Kristin out more often, but I, uh-- ahem. I don't earn enough.

Well, maybe because you don't-- ahem, do enough.

So how's my big boy?

Well, somebody taught him how to say "boobies."

Wh-what? That's outrageous.

You ready to go?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, hey. Can you guys give me a ride to the mall?

(Laughs) What? I mean school.

Why would I say "mall"? I'm not going there.

We're out of milk.

I got milk, three different kinds of milk.

Who needs milk? 'Cause I got it.

I wondered where you went. (Sighs)

Well, somebody has to do the grocery shopping.

And that someone would be me right now.

Honey, you buy the wrong things.

I mean, who needs eight different kinds of bacon?

Eve, sweetie, you want to bring down your laundry?

I can throw a load in before I go to work.

I'll do the laundry.

I don't like the way you fold the clothes.

(Chuckles) Rolling clothes takes up a lot less space.

Ask anybody on a submarine.

I appreciate everything you're doing to help, but even with this new promotion and this extra work, I can still take care of my family.

(Gasps) Oh, my God. It's 7:40 microwave time.

I am so late!

Why are you in such a hurry? You're a geologist.

It's not like the rocks are going anywhere.

I was up all night working on this presentation.

I'm just--I'm exhausted.

I haven't had a chance to look over these notes, but that's okay. I can do it in the shower.

I'll just put 'em up against the glass, and I--and I'll shave my legs in the car.

No, you know what? Forget it. I'll just wear pants. Yeah.

That's fine. That's what I'm gonna do.

Baby, baby. Calm.

Relax a little bit.

(Sighs) I can't.

I know this promotion's put a lot of pressure on you, but you gotta let it go here at home...

(Sighs)

And... You gotta shave them sticks.

Are they that bad?

It's like sleeping with a Christmas tree.

Hey. Morning, guys. Morning, Ed.

(Groans) You're here awful early.

Mike, part of me is dying. (Sighs)

Didn't I tell you? Just have that thing removed.

I'm not talking about that, which, by the way, fell off on its own, you know?

I'm talking about Murphy's barbershop.

It's closing down.

That's terrible, Ed.

(Chuckles) But I gotta say, it's not a big surprise.

Oh? I'm surprised. It was--it was doing a solid business.

Solid business?

You remember the last time you and I went there?

(Snoring)

(Lowered voice) Should we come back?

We should see if he's breathing.

Well, maybe you're right.

The crowds have been thinning the past couple of years.

Speaking of thinning-- don't go there, Mike, all right?

I know it's terrible, man. It's like your man cave.

Everybody needs one.

Uh, morning, Ed.

Hi. The rug guy is here to clean the animal heads.

Hey, Kyle. Do you have a man cave?

My van.

The one place where people aren't all up in my business.

You have no idea how tiring it is.

"Kyle, do this." "Kyle, do that."

"Kyle, for God sake, get your act together!"

I don't do that.

Your daughter does.

Well, good luck with that, Kyle!

(Monotone voice) And now in a moment, we'll hear from Vanessa and her team, but first let's review the field studies from the previous year.

As we all know, the results were disappointing in the first calendar year, but by implementing the new Geo software, we discovered that the soil samples in areas two, five, and seven were very promising.

That's the good news. However, statistically speaking...

(Voice echoing) There may be diminishing returns in continuing to exploit the reserves in the upper basin area...

(Continues indistinctly)

(Thud)

Perhaps we'll take a short break.

Hi. Mike Baxter here.

One of the most overlooked aspects of a successful hunting trip is proper camouflage.

Now I got two guys back here in two different kinds of camouflage.

With that background, which guy is gonna surprise the deer?

See ya, Sid.

But deer have a sense of smell, too.

That's why it's important to coat that camouflage with spray... (Spritzing)

Deer urine.

Spray it on there--

I asked you to shut your eyes. Did you shut your eyes?

I told you to shut your eyes.

(Chuckles)

Hey.

Hi, dad.

Hey, Mandy. Why don't we take five?

Take him downstairs and wash his eyes out.

That stuff will burn the skin off a snake!

Hey. What's up?

I think there's something wrong with my car.

What's it doing?

Um, there's this sound, and then another sound, followed by a third sound.

Well... that certainly narrows it down.

Come take a look for me?

Yeah, let me get my jacket.

(Whispers) Okay. Hold on.

Try to describe the sound you heard.

Okay, first it's, like, a...

(High-pitched voice) Chicka, chicka, chicka!

(Deep voice) Bing!

(Normal voice) And then sort of a...

(Deep voice) Thoonk-thoonk, thoonk-thoonk, thoonk-thoonk, thoonk-thoonk!

(Normal voice) And then, like, a...

(Deep voice) Fuh-thoomp, fuh-thoomp!

Oh, now I know what it is.

Murphy's barbershop? I know this place.

It's right next to my favorite shoe store.

Yeah, it's Ed's favorite hangout, and I think they're gonna go out of business, so what I'm doing is looking at a little marketing campaign to see if I can't save it.

I haven't told Ed about it, 'cause I don't want to get his hopes up.

You should totally create a profile at hmmnothanks.com.

Which is what?

It's this web site where my friends go to ironically diss on new hangouts.

Okay. Um... here.

Tell me, like, three things about Murphy's.

(Chuckles) It's dark.

Okay. You mean, "Vintage atmosphere."

It's dated.

Um, "Authentic vibe."

(Chuckles) It smells like old men.

"Musty chic."

Nice spin. You got a knack for this.

You know, this is what I do for a living.

You trick people into buying things?

We call it "marketing."

Oh, and then we had this conference call with the barber dude, and dad referred to me as his "associate," like I was a lawyer or even an attorney. (Squeals)

Mandy, a lawyer is an attorney.

Excuse me. Were you there?

Hey, guys, I didn't see mom's car outside.

Is she working late again?

Mom? What is this "mom" of whom you speak?

You know, a-as a career woman, I completely understand our mother's need to fulfill herself professionally.

You never cease to never amaze me.

(Chuckles) Um, Eve...

Are you wearing a dress?

(Scoffs) So?

So you never wear dresses.

(Sighs) That is not true.

You wore overalls to your christening.

(Sighs) It's no biggie.

I'm just going to Victor Blake's house to do homework.

Oh, my God. Would you bring mine?

Aw. Is this, like, a date? (Squeals)

It's not a date.

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

(Gasps) Do you want me to do your makeup?

You mean like your makeup?

Yeah.

No.

Hey, dad.

Hey, girls.

Hey, dad.

Hi.

Hey, Eve. Are you wearing a dress?

Not anymore!

Come on. Come on. Let me do your hair.

Good job today.

Right back at ya.

I was thinking, how would you like to turn this work thing into an internship?

An internship?

Yeah, no pressure.

It just might help you get into a career choice.

Would I be around wealthy men?

I don't know, Mandy.

Hey, babe. Great day.

There's a chance Mandy may actually turn out to be self-sufficient.

Who?

Mandy-- middle daughter, big laugh?

Oh, yeah. Her. Yeah.

Didn't go so well?

Um... (Clicks tongue)

Well, I-I-- I'll, uh, I'll j-- I'll just start with the good part.

Um... I fell asleep at the meeting and, uh, toppled out of my chair.

(Chuckles)

Oh. Sorry. That's-- that sounds terrible.

(Whispers) Yeah.

Go on.

Well, I... (Sighs)

I-I was lying there very self-conscious, and I--and I thought, they won't laugh at me if they think I'm dying...

So I, um, I-I sort of...

Pretended I was having a heart attack.

Heart attack, like, uh, with the-- yeah, you know, I-I twitched. I-I clutched my arm.

I-I, uh, I attempted that-- the--the bubbly thing with my mouth.

And they believed this?

Well, I...

No. Guys, no. A-actually, I'm okay.

I'm okay. Would--just... Can you just unstrap me?

So you go to the hospital and nobody calls me?

No, I pretended. I-I pretended to call you.

I did. I-I--the whole thing. Everything. A big lie.

(Voice breaks) Mike, my boss saw me in a paper gown from behind.

(Sighs)

You know why this happened?

Because he walked right in the room without knocking.

I'm talking about falling asleep at work.

You're trying to do too much, babe.

I-I don't want the girls to feel neglected. I-I--

I'm here. I'm telling you I'll help out.

You won't let me... (Sighs)

So now you're faking heart attacks at work?

I know. I know. I-I-- it is so wrong to lie about a health issue.

I have never been more ashamed in my life.


Hey, mom. (Sighs)

Why is your car still running outside?

Ohh.

Because I had a heart attack!

♪♪♪

Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I've never seen more than zero people in here. (Gasps)

Dad, this is because of my ideas! (Chuckles)

I love marketing!

(Chuckles) I bet. (Laughing)

Look, we're talking business.

I know!

(Chuckles) And I haven't thought about the Kardashians for hours. (Chuckles)

Yo, peeps.

Kyle?

I got a tweet about this place, thought I'd check it out.

What about work?

It's my lunch hour.

I never gave Murphy's much notice, but this place is really great.

(Chuckles)

Everyone is so unfriendly.

Watch. Hey. What's up, dude? Man?

See?

(Chuckles)

(Knock on door)

Hello. Mike Baxter's office. Can I help you?

No, honey. That's-- that's just when people call.

(Chuckles) Oh.

Uh, where's dad?

Uh, he's working on my car.

Can you leave him a message, please?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Tell him I'm leaving-- leaving early because I'm too upset to work.

Oh.

All right?

Some jack-wang has started an lnternet campaign and ruined my barbershop.

Uh, ruined? I-I heard it was packed.

Yes, by pretentious kids with little hats and complicated coffee drinks.

And... that's bad?

It's terrible!

I'd rather the place be turned into a fat lady gym than that-- that hipster freak show.

Now whichever idiot did that should be hanged in a public square!

"Signed, Ed."

(Keys jangling)

Well, I figured it out. It's a loose fan belt, so...

(Keys clatter)

Can I get my new associate a cup of coffee?

(Voice breaks) I hate marketing!

(Chuckles)

Or tea?

Wow. Something smells good.

Yeah. Remember that deer I bagged on the opening day of hunting season?

You mean the one you hit with your truck?

Look, girlfriend, a kill is a kill.

Ground it up. A little barbecue sauce, special seasoning-- sloppy does.

(Laughs)

Can I help?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Oh, okay. Well, let me just, uh, put in a load of laundry.

Oh, already cleaned, dried, and rolled, but you know what you can do is get some croutons or walnuts for the salad.

I don't know where you put 'em in the...

Okay.

(Exhales deeply) Hey, dad.

Thank you for giving Boyd his bath.

You bet. Here's his milk.

He probably won't need it.

Thank you.

He downed about a gallon of bathwater.

You know, I thought with mom working more that this whole place would fall apart, but it's almost like nobody's even noticed.

I don't think she meant it that way.

What did she mean?

Uh, things aren't going that smoothly.

They look like this, but I didn't even get enough root vegetables for the salad.

How humiliating. (Chuckles)

Honey, come on.

Babe, I've done this for two days.

You do this all the time.

I just... (Sighs)

I feel replaceable.

(Sighs) Baby.

(Sniffles)

Hey, Eve. Dinner's almost ready.

(Sniffles) Eve?

(Sniffles)

Honey, I need my nuts.

(Eve sniffles)

What's up, bug?

(Sniffles) It's no big deal.

Well, if it's no big deal, why don't you tell me?

I was at Victor Blake's house, and we were doing our homework and some of Mandy's...

(Sighs, voice breaking) And then he brought up the winter school dance.

Hey, that's exciting...

Or terrible.

(Sighs) He wanted to know my opinion on what girl he should ask.

Oh, sweetie.

(Sighs)

(Inhales deeply)

(Sighs)

The thing about Victor Blake is...

(Sighs)

He's...

Boys--boys are just...

(Sighs) Oh, he's a dumb-ass.

(Sighs) I can't believe I put on a stupid dress for that guy.

Oh, I know.

(Sniffles) I know.

Please don't tell dad.

He's gonna be all... Dad about it.

I promise.

But I'm glad you're being all mom about it.

Mm.

(Sniffles) Do you think I'll ever like another boy?

There are gonna be lots and lots of boys, I promise, and they're all gonna be equally disappointing.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(Both chuckle)

(Chuckles) Look at that, Mandy.

Rolled--far better than folded.

Oh, my God.

Ryan Gosling seen at a popular Hollywood eatery with his shirt off.

Could you stay off the lnternet for a minute?

Oh, my God. Pippa, you are so much better than that hat, girl.

Can't you live in this world for a second?

Yeah.

Listen to me.

You're smart and you're creative, but that doesn't mean people are gonna like every idea you come up with.

That's why it isn't worth it.

Listen, if you run from every criticism... (Sighs)

(Strained voice) You're gonna be living here a long time.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Mike. Yeah, I was, uh, driving around town looking for a new man cave, and I actually found--

I actually found a bar called "The Man Cave."

Uh, Ed, that's a-- yeah, I know that now, Mike.

I got your message. Is your daughter home?

Amanda, you have a gentleman caller.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Alzate. (Door closes)

Mandy, ahem, I understand, uh, you were the brains behind the transformation of my barbershop.

Yeah. I'm so sorry.

No. I'm sorry.

You see, there's two things I hate, and that's change and hipsters, you know?

Put 'em both together, and it's like a hot coal in my trunks.

Ed.

I'm sorry.

Boxer briefs.

(Clears throat) What I'm trying to say is, I know you were trying to help, you see, so as a token of contrition, please accept this... This premium dessert wine.

It's from-- it's from my family's vineyard in the basque country, where my ancestors have worked the grape for centuries.

(Chuckles) Ed, she's 17.

That's all right. It's basically undrinkable.

So just...

Oh, thank you.

I-I forgive you, Mr. Alzate.

(Whispers) Thank you.

Um, and I will keep this wine until I turn 21...

Mm.

At which time I will savor my very first taste of any alcoholic beverage.

That's as far as we go with that.

Okay.

How about coming by work tomorrow and let's try this again?

You know, I'm a little burned-out.

You were there three hours.

I know. It was exhausting, but I don't know.

It was kinda cool to think of ideas and then make them happen.

I-I could maybe see myself doing that someday.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I'd need a much bigger office... (Chuckles) Of course.

Thanks for believing in me, hmm?

Ah, look at this.

Father and daughter reconnecting while another man looks on.

All righty.

Boy, oh, boy. I am exhausted.

(Sighs) Mm.

(Chuckles) Welcome to my world.

Mm. (Inhales deeply)

(Sighs) Would you give me a massage later?

And it doesn't even have to lead to anything, you know?

You really are tired.

Ohh.

I'm so glad you were here to handle this thing with Eve.

I don't think I could have done that.

Well, what would you have done?

I would have pushed that kid's bike down a storm drain.

Well, that's one way. (Chuckles)

Here's to my irreplaceable wife.

Let's take a shot at Ed's wine. How bad could it be, huh?

Mm. (Chuckles)

(Clink)

(Chuckles) Mm.

(Slurps and smacks lips)

(Strained voice) Goes in nice.

Ohh. Ah.

It kinda--kinda has a-a... burn.

It's, uh... oh, God.

It's, uh... (Smacks lips)

I kinda like it.