Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

I can't believe I get to spend the whole day here.

When do I get to sh**t the crossbows?

Well, you're 13. I don't even think it's legal.

So we should do it after lunch.

Yes!

Welcome, welcome. What a pleasure. Mike. Eve.

I love "take your daughter to work" day...

And not just because Curly's daughter's the former Miss Colorado runner-up, huh?

Wow.

It's hard to imagine how beautiful the mom would have to be.

Remember me, Mr. Baxter?

Is this who I think it is?

Ah. (Chuckles)

Gabriella, look at you. Wow.

Eve, my daughter Gabriella.

Hi.

Hi.

Just graduated from the Wharton School of Business.

4.0 G.P.A., top of the class.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. Eve can throw a fastball 50 miles an hour.

It's not a competition, dad, and actually, it's 53, so...

Wow.

So Wharton School--that's very impressive--business school.

Thank you, and I'm really impressed with some of the things you guys are doing over here at outdoor man.

Yeah. Thanks. I appreciate that.

Although there are other things that are like, "whoa. What were you thinking?"

She's not kidding, huh?

Look, I don't want to step on anyone's toes here, but it's been a while since your business school days, and marketing has grown much more complex.

Yeah, I've been busy marketing for 30 years.

Well, there are a lot of new theories out there.

Well, I bet there are.

So... want to get some hot chocolate?

Thanks for stopping by.

"Stopping by"? Dad, you didn't tell him?

Excuse me. Excuse me, Ed. What didn't you tell me?

Uh, d-didn't I mention that we could possibly Well, I wish I had, because seems I've gone and done it.

I can't believe he hired her.

Let me tell you something about business school.

You don't learn anything until you get out in the real world.

Gotcha. School's not important.

No, that's not what I'm saying. You need a solid foundation.

I hear you. Ed's daughter might be an asset to outdoor man.

No, I'm not saying that, either.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm very frustrated.

I'm not trying to parent or make any sense right now.

Well, you're doing a great job.

Thanks, little buddy. (Chuckles)

Dad, watch out for the dog! (Tires screech)

(Gasps)

Last Man Standing - S01E13 Take Your Daughter To Work

Hey. Dad almost hit a dog, but we're okay.

What?

Well, "dog" is a bit of an overstatement.

(Gasps) Oh, my God! He's so cute!

(Door closes) Mom, can we keep him? I've always wanted a dog.

No, no, no, no. We're not keeping that dog.

Your mom and I have very strong opinions about that.

Oh, say... (High-pitched voice) "I'm not a dog.

I'm just a cutie potato."

What kind of dog is it?

Ah, it's a Maltese.

They were bred in ancient times for rodent control.

Apparently, ancient people wanted rodents to have a fighting chance.

So, dad, come on, why can't we keep it?

'Cause he belongs to somebody else.

Somebody's probably worried sick that it slipped out of their purse.

Oh, God. Also, I'm allergic.

Maybe we could just get rid of Mandy.

Eve.

What? I'm just saying, is she really working out?

All right, all right, we're gonna keep Mandy for now, but the dog's going back-- end of story.

But it has no tags, so make up some posters, put 'em round the neighborhood, canvass the area, all right?

Yeah.

And, Kristin... Huh?

Call vets, local shelters.

See if anybody reported it missing.

And don't fall in love with this thing, please?

Can I just hold him for a little while?

(Sighs) You can hold it for a little while, but don't name it.

Come on, Muffin. Mwah.

"Muffin" actually butches that thing up a little bit.

So, uh, since when did Mandy become allergic to dogs?

Oh. Yeah, I might have told her that when she was 4.

It's really hard getting them out of those mall pet stores.

So you lied to her.

Like you never lied?

No.

Huh? What about the time you told Eve that sugared cereal makes hair grow on your back?

How else do I explain your mother?

Ohh.

Ohh.

And as this graph indicates, while we do well with our core demographic--next slide...

You don't need to say, "next slide."

You have the controller in your hand.

We are severely underserving our youth and female markets.

Listen, it's called "outdoor man," not "outdoor people."

We don't underserve them. We just don't care about them.

Ed, back me up.

Uh, just go on, pumpkin.

Next slide. (Click)

She is making us look terrible.

What do you mean, "us"?

You know. We're a team.

Kyle, I've been working here 30 years.

I don't even know your last name.

Excuse me. Would you like to add something to this meeting?

No.

It's "Anderson."

Continue, Gabriella. Continue, please.

Here's what I'm thinking-- a total redesign of all of our retail stores-- hip, young, minimalist.

Additionally, we rebrand ourselves.

Outdoor man becomes-- next slide...

O.D.M.

Or...

And I-I think this could be a real time-saver-- we don't do any of this.

Look, we need to diversify.

Our average customer is a 43-year-old male, and do you know why that is?

Yes. Because they have all the money.

And what they do is they trade that money for our stuff.

If we go this direction, we're gonna gut the soul of the company we built, Ed.

It's true, honey.

You have very impressive charts and figures here, but I've always gone with Mike's gut when it comes to making big decisions.

Oh.

Okay.

And did Mike's gut tell you to miss my school plays?

Oh, honey...

I'm fine. Forget it. It was probably a stupid idea anyway.

Sweetie, please, whatever.

I'll just be in my room-- I mean, office.

All right, all right, what the hell.

Maybe it's time to embrace a new generation.

What?

Really?

I just can't say "no" to you, pumpkin.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

All right, okay.

Don't worry about it, Mr. B.

We can open up our own store.

It doesn't have to be sporting goods. You know...

I bake.

Everything you just said angers me.

Hey. Okay, I canvassed the entire neighborhood with posters.

Did anybody call?

Yeah. Tons of people.

All guys, actually.

Nice. (Chuckles)

Can I see that poster?

(Sighs)

Oh, my God.

Mandy, that is not appropriate.

What are you talking about?

"Looking for my Master"?

Yeah. It's a dog--

(gasps)

(Mouths word)

Yeah. All right, well, we've checked with all of the shelters and vets' offices.

He's not chipped, and nobody's reporting a missing Maltese.

Speaking of which, does anybody know where he is?

He's playing in dad's office.

In dad's office?

(Dog growling)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ohh. Dad's African drum. (Gasps)

This was a gift from an entire village for bringing rain.

It was a coincidence, but he really went with it.

Oh, boy. Your dad is not gonna be happy.

But you know what? I don't care...

(High-pitched voice) Because this baby's just the cutest...

(Girls cooing)

I forgot my allergy.

You know, mom, I'm-- I'm feeling okay right now.

I just--I keep remembering what you told me about the doctor saying I could just suddenly stop breathing.

Mandy, honey, y--

(breathing heavily)

Better safe than sorry.

(Door closes)

(Mike) I'm home, everybody.

Well, nice knowing you, Muffin.

What are you doing in here? What happened to my drum?

I got that drum for saving a village by bringing them rain.

Oh, stop. You didn't save anything.

You just stood there with your arms out and sang the Michigan fight song.

Which they're still singing to this day.

All right.

This is irreplaceable. Did that dog do this?

M-Muffin didn't do it.

Really??

I... did it.

You chewed the end of this drum?

And I am not proud of myself.

Did you also drop this cute, little turd over here?

Aww.

Yes.

That was me, too. I pooped.

(Telephone rings) Well, you gotta go get something to clean that up.

(Ring)

(Beep)

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Mandy, it's about that poster.

Oh, great.

Great. Excuse me? I don't think so.

Mandy already has a daddy.

You're talking to him.

(Beep) Yeah. That was one disturbed individual.

All right. You know what, girls? Take the dog out for a walk.

Okay, but I get to carry him this time.

You carried him last time.

How can you walk something when you're carrying it?

It doesn't make any sense.

What's the matter with you people?

You know what? Dad's right. We're coddling him too much.

We should get his leash and his tiny sweater, and we'll go out. Come on.

Have fun now, 'cause I'm taking that dog to work with me tomorrow.

There's no more bonding.

It's just gonna make it more difficult to get rid of it.
(Telephone rings, beep)

I've got a g*n and b*ll*ts with your name on it, pervert.

Hold on. It's your mom.

(Mike) Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

You know, man has a long history with dogs.

Ancient man bred these wolf hybrids to protect them when they were eating around a fire.

They also used that same dog to att*ck other cavemen. (Howling)

Big, huge, burly, nasty, fast, angry animals, those dogs were.

We've come a long way. We went from those...

To this...

Bred entirely to be adorable.

For those of you who are affected by such things, it's great, but for me, nothin'. This--no feeling right here.

Don't care. Lick all you want, kid.

You know, sometimes... Change isn't progress.

Sometimes change is just change... (Laser fires)

Whether it's a hybrid dog or a store like outdoor man.

Still doesn't work, kid.

Back off. Just back off.

You know, just 'cause you can change something, doesn't mean you should. Like this... (Growls)

Colt .45.

Basically the--the same service mechanism they designed in 1911.

I would call it the other "man's best friend."

And all this month, we have this along with other items on sale--outdoor man--40% off. So stop by...

Or the little guy gets it.

(Key clicks) That's a wrap, Mr. B.

(g*n clicks)

Hey, Mike.

(Door closes)

(Clears throat) Look at that.

Uh, that's a sad excuse for a dog.

It's not a dog if it can be k*lled by a cat.

It's not a dog if it can fit inside another dog's mouth.

Or be carried off by a medium-sized pigeon.

Or if it can be accidentally vacuumed up.

Look at you two, making dog jokes, pretending you're not upset about Ed's daughter.

(Chuckles)

(Door closes)

It's not a dog if it can--

I think we're done here, aren't we, Ed?

(Exhales deeply)

Michael. (Clears throat)

This is my company, and I am the boss.

And?

And I think your gut is 100% right.

I just didn't want to let Gabriella down, and I spent her entire life not being there.

I wanted to make up for it, I g--in some way.

You know? Can you understand that?

Yeah, yeah. I do--I do understand.

Listen, it's not like her ideas are bad.

They're--they're just not right for our company.

Yeah, I know, I know. But she's pretty sharp, right?

She's a great kid. You should be real proud of her.

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

But she's very annoying.

Her mother was a monster.

Hmm.

You got to figure out how to let go of some of this guilt and say "no" to that girl.

Yeah, I know. You're right. I'll be strong.

Good.

I'll talk to her. Thanks.

Okay.

Will you come with me, Mike?

(Door opens)

Gabriella?

We need to talk. (Door closes)

What is it?

Well, it's about your idea for modernizing the retail space.

Yes. Okay. So here's what I've been thinking.

I-I-I can't do it.

Gabby, what your dad is trying to say is that we can't go forward with your plan.

What? (Clears throat)

Daddy...

She pulled the "daddy." I can't...

Listen, it's a good idea, but it's just not right for us right now.

(Sighs)

So let's see. You, uh... You make a promise, get my hopes up, and don't come through.

That reminds me of something. Oh. My childhood.

(Groans) Ooh, she's good. That's--nice sh*t.

And on top of all that, you didn't even have the courage to tell me yourself.

Well, I-I-I tried to. I-I didn't know how to tell you.

I feel like an idiot, and I've done all of this work.

You should have been direct with me from the start.

Tell her I'm sorry I wasn't direct.

Tell my dad, "thanks for nothing."

(Exhales deeply)

I think I have an idea to help you guys get back together.

Hear me out.

A Maltese puppy.

(Mike) Hey, Ed, can you come in here a minute?

Yeah. Sure. Here you go.

Yeah, Mike.

(Door closes)

Gabriella.

Dad.

Well, you I.D.'D each other. There's a start.

Listen, we have to repair this relationship.

It's just too important. You only get one dad.

And you only get-- how many is it now?

Six daughters.

Is that including the w*r baby?

Yes, of course.

(Sighs) Listen, the point is you got some guilt to work through.

Divorce is hard. You were a good father.

You did the best you could under a difficult situation.

It's true.

I always knew that you loved me, even though mom often told me that you didn't.

I told you she was a monster.

Listen, you guys want to work together, you got s stop treating her like a little girl.

Thank you.

And if you want to be treated like an adult, you gotta act like one, stop whining and moping and saying "daddy" every time you want something.

Maybe I do play on your guilt sometimes.

I understand.

Although you did leave my mother and now I don't trust men.

Okay, I'm done.

Well, I shouldn't have let you get your hopes up if I couldn't follow through with your business idea.

Well, I may be able to follow through after all. (Keys clicking)

Next slide.

Okay, I say we open up another web presence using your "O.D.M." Banner, which is a very solid idea.

That way, we don't alienate our current customer base.

Well, the younger demographic I was targeting prefers to shop online anyway.

So we're good?

It will empower us to recontextualize our image to a-- whoo! Let's just say "yes."

It's great. Thank you, Mike.

Don't thank me. Thank your dad.

He's the one that had the vision to hire young talent, encourage it. The company's better off because of it.

Are you talking about yourself or me?

Let's not spoil the moment.

(Mike) Hey, girls, I got a little bit of news.

The owner of the dog called. He's on his way over here.

So might be a good time to say your good-byes. Come on.

You knew this was coming.

I'll go first.

Uh... Mandy, honey...

Honey...

Yeah?

You're not allergic.

(Glove snaps)

What?

I-I just--I've been lying to you for 13 years because I, uh...

I was trying to get you out of a mall.

What?

I can't believe this.

Mama, you were there today when I called the doctor to make an appointment for the allergy sh*ts.

Well...

I very likely would not have let you go through with that.

Give her a break right now. Parenting's tough.

Many times, you gotta streamline conversations to avoid the big arguments. We do it all the time.

Yeah. Right. Wait, what?

Honey. Married 30 years.

We're--we're in the homestretch. Yeah.

You might as well know, I actually like Chinese food.

I just, you know, don't like watching you eat it...

Wow. I-I-I have been going without since '87.

I know, but it's that-- what's that soup?

The hot and sour, whatever that is.

Yeah?

It's slurping. It's--it's-- it's horrible when you slurp.

I think the lie saved the marriage. It has. Come on.

All right, you know what?

We are ordering from emperor's palace tonight.

Oh, Muffin. You were the perfect accessory.

You were versatile enough to accompany a little black dress, but you also went with jeans and a tee.

Listen, Muffin, I'm gonna give you the greatest compliment I know, okay?

(Lowered voice) You make me want to be a better dresser.

Take him.

(Sighs) I know we didn't get much time together, but the time we had was special.

You're just about the best thing I've ever met.

(Sniffles)

(Voice breaking) I can barely remember my life before you.

(Sniffles) And I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

(Sniffles)

(Doorbell rings)

(Kisses)

Thank God, somebody's here.

Bring the dog.

Hey there. Mike Baxter.

Yo. I'm Elliot, but my friends call me "Wenis."

Let's just go with "Elliot," all right?

Here's your dog. You've probably been worried sick about him.

Actually, it's kind of funny.

I didn't realize it was missing for, like, the first three days.

How do you not know your dog's missing?

You know. Scorpio.

What, is that short for "stupid"?

(Laughs)

Dad, you can't give the dog to this guy.

Well... (Scoffs) It's his dog.

He looks, you know, responsible enough.

Yeah, when I'm not high. Right?

All right. (Sighs) I'm outta here.

(Dog whines) Later.

There you go. He's gonna be fine. You know...

Well... what?

It's somebody else's dog. What do you want me to do?

I can't just tie him up, put him in the basement.

What do you want me-- wait up, Wenis!

Mike? (Mike) Yeah, babe.

That was a sweet thing you did for the girls.

Yeah.

When it comes down to it, you're a real softy, Mike Baxter.

Well, don't tell anybody, okay? (Switch clicks)

You do realize that at some point, they're gonna stop walking that dog.

(Switch clicks) I know.

And then it'll fall to us to feed it and clean up after it...

Honey, I am well aware of that.

(Switch clicks)

(Baby voice) Clip his little toenails.

Well, hopefully, we can outsource that.

It's amazing.

No matter how old those girls get, they give you that face, you got to say "yes."

Mm. (Switch clicks)

Night.

Night.

(Kiss)

(Sighs)

Mm.

What is that?

My foot.

Licking my foot?

(Switch clicks)

Good God.

Ohh. (Laughs)

Don't start-- don't talk to it.

(Baby voice) Say, "night-night," Booshi.

Love you, little Booshi.