01x15 - House of Spirits

Quick, quick, quick, here he comes.

Shh.

(Girls) Surprise!

(Kristin and Mandy) Happy birthday!

Hey, guys.

Happy birthday, dad.

Aw, you scared me. Thank you, guys.

Oh, what do we have here?

A birthday frittata.

A frittata?

Remember, you told us that story about the delicious frittatas you had at that cafe on the Amalfi coast?

You probably forgot that I got food poisoning on that frittata.

That's why I can speak ltalian.

"Questi pantaloni sono sporchi."

(Italian accent) "These pants need cleaning."

(Laughs) Make a wish and blow it out.

Okay. What do you say we wish for a train set?

Yeah. Ready? Ready? (Inhales) Ready? (Inhales, blows air)

(Girls) Yay!

Okay. Present time. Me first.

Okay.

It's for you, daddy.

Uh, Mandy got me a coupon book...

Yeah.

With, uh... "Free hugs"...

Mm-hmm.

"Smile for no reason"...

Mm-hmm.

And "a week of no talking back."

There are some blackout dates on that one, so you just have to check the back. I love you!

Okay, I'll take the free hug.

It's my turn. This is from me and Boyd.

Ah.

Uh, it was wrapped, but I left him alone for eight seconds and, disturbingly, cannot find the ribbon.

(Chuckles) Ahh.

We'll find it later, right?

Yeah, sure will. Okay, this is for you.

Look at this. "Bacon of the month club."

(Girls) Yes.

17 years running.

Yeah, if you make it to 20, you get a free angiogram.

What about 25?

Okay, honey.

I know last year's gift was a swing and a miss.

Yeah, improv classes.

I was hoping you'd find your inner clown.

Well, I found him, and he was very, very sad.

A history of our neighborhood? Wow. (Chuckles) Wow.

(Chuckles)

This is actually a great gift.

I'm gonna ignore that you said the word "actually."

Where'd you get something like this?

Well, I know how fascinated you are with things that I am not fascinated by at all, so I found this company that does customized histories of neighborhoods.

Did you read it? No. "Did I read it?"

(Kiss)

History's your thing.

Hearing you talk about it while I'm doing something else-- that's--that's my thing.

This road out here used to be a logging road.

Just like that.

Well, I got to get to school.

New math teacher's busting my hump.

Where's Boyd?

Oh. He's on his little potty, making ribbon.

Guys, listen to this.

In 1963, the woman that lived here...

Passed away upstairs in this house.

Wait. What? Upstairs in our house?

I sleep up there almost every night. I mean, every night.

I think it's cool that our house has an actual story behind it.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, but it's a story about death.

Death...

Or murder? (Cackles)

Eve, honey, don't scare your sisters.

Why not?

She's got a point.

No, but, you guys, you have to admit that it is freaky that somebody actually died in our house.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebodies.

Looks like the woman who lived here after the first woman also died in this house.

So it's a trend?

Oh, my God. I feel like I'm in a horror movie, and we're gonna start getting picked off one by one, and, mom, the pretty girl never makes it!

What room did the second lady die in?

Well, I'm guessing it's your father's den.

That would explain some of the mysterious... smells.

What if Boyd has the soul of one of the dead ladies?

Why would you say that? Eve, go to school!

(Thud) What was that?

(Kristin and Mandy) What was what?

Ah, good times.

Girls, first of all, we don't know if any of this is true.

That book cost a lot less than you think.

Secondly, there's no such thing as ghosts or spirits.

Right, Mike?

Well, you know, I've traveled a lot, and every culture has some sort of belief in the spirit world.

So, dad, you believe in ghosts?

I believe there's a lot of things on earth that are unexplained.

Okay, it's official. I am more freaked out than Mandy.

Oh, well, don't be.

We're talking about superstitions, which began because people needed to explain things they didn't understand, but now we have science.

(Gasps) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I am almost too scared to text anyone about this.

That's a perfect example.

The glass moved because of condensation underneath it.

It's hydrodynamic lubrication.

Viscous effects generate shear stresses, and the surfaces lift apart.

It's your basic Stribeck's curve.

Stribeck--interesting man-- is a professor.

He also was a-a ghost hunter, and he ate small children.

Hey, Kyle, what are you having?

I'm on a budget. P.B. And j.

It's only 11 cents a sandwich if I use the grape jelly where grapes aren't an actual ingredient.

Come on, get yourself a sandwich. My treat. Go ahead.

No, I'm okay. Thank you.

I insist. I insist. Try the chicken parm.

Come on, you're a-- you're a young buck.

You can handle her. Go ahead. Molly, here. Uh-oh.

Only have hundreds. Rich man's curse.

Can you spot me? I'll get you back tomorrow.

Yeah, okay.

(Mike) Hey, Pete, bring it up here!

Can you get this one, too? All right?

Hey, birthday boy! Here, a Sammy on me!

This is 25, 50, 51...

Sorry, that's a token. That's 65...

Boy, Vanessa got me a great birthday gift this year.

Yep, hopefully something you'll be able to pass on to me again.

Those--those improv classes were dynamite. (Laughs)

Come on. Shout out a location and weather condition. Go ahead.

No, thanks. Remember, I saw your "showcase."

All right. Okay, what is this?

It's a history of my neighborhood.

History of the old neighborhood, huh? All right.

Let's see what this is about. "Silver rush... grubstakes..."

Mikey, I don't mean to alarm you, but--

(mouth full) I know, I know. Eh?

Two women died in the house.

Were they in each others' arms?

Mm?

Anyway, the girls are real freaked out about it.

Hey, this ghost thing is not gonna go away for your girls.

You know, once this junk gets stuck in your head, it's there forever. And what about Vanessa?

That woman's not afraid of anything.

She had three breach babies without drugs.

Oh, but this is different. This is the unknown.

This is the paranormal. This is the macabre.

You didn't see those three babies when they came out.

(Switch clicks)

(Chuckles) So? Are you having a good birthday?

It's not over yet.

Yeah?

You think, uh, you think the ghosts are watching us?

Probably, so you'd better bring your "a" game.

Mm.

(Kisses)

(Knock on door)

We're sleeping.

(Door opens)

Yeah. Hi. Sorry. We can't sleep.

Well, try harder.

Stop. What's the matter, sweetie?

Okay, so I had this nightmare about ghosts, so I got up, and I went to check on him, and he was standing bolt upright in his crib, and he said, "mama," in this really scary old lady voice.

Oh, well, come on, come on. Come into bed with us.

Move over.

You move over. It's my birthday.

Just move over. Move over.

Come on. Ooh, sweetie pie. Ooh, yay.

Ooh, let's get in the bed with grandma.

(Pounding on door)

For the love of God. (Switch clicks)

We heard footsteps in the hall.

Oh, yeah, that was just me coming in here.

Good call. Move over.

Come on, girls. You're practically adults.

Is Eve the only one that can stay in her own room?

(Pants) There is a poltergeist in my toilet.

What?

And strange noises and cold air.

All right. Hop in. (Door closes)

Yay!

I know I was mocking everyone before, but somehow, alone in the dark, it's not that funny.

Oh, sweetie, there's nothing to be scared of.

Besides, this is fun, right, Mike?

Yep.

Hey.

When I bought a 5-bedroom home, this is... Kind of what I had in mind.

You know, I'm hanging on here by a cheek.

(Switch clicks)

Mr. Alzate? Hmm?

Sully was duck hunting, and his dog stepped on his gun and accidentally shot him in the butt.

There are no accidents, Kyle.

Anyway, I'm collecting $10 a person, and we're gonna buy him a doughnut to sit on and a hunting trophy for his dog.

All right.

I'll give $100.

That's very generous, sir.

Oh. I only have plastic.

Do you take one of these elite credit cards here?

It's kind of cash only.

The can doesn't have a little swipy thing on it.

I see.


(Telephone rings)

Uh, throw a c-note in for me, will you?

I'll get you back tomorrow.

Yes, sir. (Ring)

Thank you.

Mr. B?

Oh, boy, is that for Sully? Yeah.

Man...

That dog's the best shot in his family.

Um...

Ed never has cash on him, and he's always taking mine.

I don't understand. Isn't he rich?

Yeah...

It's a curious thing about rich people-- more money they have, the less they carry.

Kyle, he's a stand-up guy. Just--just ask him.

He'll give it to you.

I can't.

I come from a long line of doormats.

I'm afraid to make him angry.

I can't afford to lose this job.

Then again...

I can't afford to keep it, either.

I'm in a real pickle here, sir.

Dad, uh, this is Brenda.

Hi. She's a medium.

Dad, she thinks she can get rid of our ghosts.

Yeah, not get rid of as much as understand why they're still here and encourage them to leave.

Well, good, so--so we got the platinum package.

Dad?

What--what are you doing?

You're the one who believes in this stuff.

The girls think she can cleanse the house.

And personally, I'm a big fan of the placebo effect.

Ooh, I'm getting a real hit on something right here.

An "a"--does anyone have a person in their life whose name begins with an "a"? You right there, miss?

Aunt Jean! Oh, my God! You're amazing.

Everybody's aunt begins with an "a."

Now I'm getting a "b." (Gasps)

Dad, Beatrice! That's the name of one of the two women who died in our house.

Ooh!

Let me try this alphabetical thing-- let me do this one.

(Exhales) Oh, here it comes. Oh, watch out. I... (Moans)

"C"! Cousin Claire. This is freaky!

I'm getting something else. (Mike groans)

Two women died in this house.

Kristin just said that.

She didn't say they died.

Yes, she did. She didn't.

Yes, she did.

One of them...

Was...

Beatrice.

(Mouths words)

Again, not new information.

And the second one is Alice.

Okay. Nobody told her that.

Mm-hmm.

They died here... alone.

Wait--what--what do you mean?

I mean there was no one here to comfort them.

Oh, gosh, I...

I hope that's not true.

(Lowered voice) Are Alice and Beatrice still here?

(Lowered voice) They are.

Alice!

Beatrice!

(Claps hands)

Your souls are free. You can go.

Cute gloves!

Are--are you sure they didn't die with--with family around them?

No.

Or... No family.

Distant relative... Nope.

Or second cousin twice removed?

No.

Anybody? Nobody was with them at all? Nothing?

Nobody. Nope, alone.

Wow, that's... That's horrible.

But we both decided we don't believe in this.

Yeah. Of course not. (Chuckles)

But if we did, did they at least die peacefully?

No.

Hey, honey? Hmm?

(Switch clicks)

That Brenda was quite a crackpot.

But she put the girls' minds at ease.

Maybe they'll leave us alone tonight.

Yeah, but don't you think it's kind of weird that she knew Alice's name?

Well, maybe she read the same book.

Apparently, it was almost free.

You know--you know what area has some really beautiful houses?

Cherry creek.

Yeah, cherry creek has really nice houses.

Yeah, so--so are you thinking what--what I'm thinking?

That our marriage has devolved into mindless banter?

Well, no, that we--we just go ahead and do it.

I mean, we're--we're always talking about moving.

We never talk about moving.

I think you're freaked out about Beatrice and Alice.

No. No.

I'm not.

Yeah, I am. A little.

Honey, you're a scientist.

I know what I am!

But, Mike, Mike, listen...

Two women died alone in this house.

I mean, you know what they say-- that--that things happen in threes.

Look, you're not gonna die alone, babe.

We have kids. That's the point.

You know? They're gonna be here for your last breath, and then get into a fistfight over your jewelry.

They'll move away, and you will be long dead...

Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a minute.

I'm gonna die first, huh?

It's weird how that comforts me.

I'm sorry, honey, I just--it's...

You know how dying alone is--is my deepest, deepest fear.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

And I am just-- I am afraid it is destined to happen to me in this house.

I understand.

Those are your feelings, and you have every right to them.

Okay. Thanks, sweetie.

I love you. I love you, too.

Oh, boy.

Mm.

Mike...

It's not your birthday anymore.

Hey. What are you guys watching?

"Paranormal activity ii."

Seriously? After all that ghost stuff?

Oh, no, we're done with all our ghost stuff.

These people, however, are screwed.

(Crunching)

(Remote control clicks)

Mom? Hmm?

Why are you staring at us?

You guys are gonna live here a long time, right?

I will, 'cause when those two leave, I'm gonna knock down their bedroom walls, turn it into a suite, little gym, little juice bar, I'm not gonna go crazy.

Hey, guys! Everybody gather!

Oh, you are. All right.

Listen, I gotta show you something.

Hey, dad, what are you doing? We're watching that.

Oh! The demon takes the baby.

I just saved you 80 minutes of horror. Come on.

I want you to see this. Listen.

No question, this week has been exhausting.

We're doing okay.

I'm talking about for me.

Ghosts, mediums...

50 people in my bed.

Now we're gonna learn a little history about our house.

We already know the history.

No, this is the correct history.

Honey, who are those people?

That is Beatrice Johnson, surrounded by her family.

Oh.

She was 84 years old.

This picture was taken two weeks before she died.

Ah. She looks happy.

Yeah. 'Cause she was happy. You know how I know?

I spent hours on the lnternet, I located her great-grandson, who's right here.

(Laughter)

Yeah... Who lives in Boulder, and now looks like this.

Oh, wow. What-- yeah.

Anyway, he informed me that she in fact died in this house very peacefully surrounded by family and friends.

(Kristin) No. That's not what Brenda said.

Well, Brenda's an idiot, all right?

This is Alice Tippett, surrounded by her husband, children, and grandchildren.

She, too, died peacefully, aged 76, in this house, surrounded by loved ones.

So if things do come in threes, honey, you will be the third in a line of women that have raised a happy family here...

In this house. (Click)

(Remote control clicks)

(Whispers) Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for going to all the trouble.

I'd like to say it was no trouble, but it was a huge pain.

Oh. (Laughs)

Now I gotta go back to work.

Why--why?

'Cause I got nothing done today 'cause I was doing this stupid stuff.

Just remember--two deaths and a kidnapping in a house don't make any difference.

Kidnapping? What kidnapping?

I'll get back to that!

(Door closes)

Kidnapping?!

(Ed) So you have it? That's good. All right.

That's better. Mm-hmm.

Wait.

What happened to you, son?

I went on an errand, and I had to walk the last 4 miles back to work.

Why did you do that? It's very blustery out there!

Because I ran out of gas.

You ran out of gas?

What's the matter with you?

I mean, driving around on less than half a tank of gas, and in the winter, is irresponsible.

I'm not irresponsible. I'm broke!

You took all my money!

You said, "I'll get you back tomorrow," and you never did! You owe me $516!

I'm kind of hovering over my body, watching this happen right now.

Hey, Kyle, I apologize.

I apologize. Your generosity has not gone unnoticed.

Also, Mike mentioned something to me.

So I'm--I'm prepared to pay you back your money.

Just follow me. Come on. Come on.

Thank goodness. My rent was due three days ago.

Right here.

(Sighs)

Look at this.

Hmm?

What's this?

This is a fine, handmade trail riding saddle.

That's what this is. Worth a lot more than I owe you.

It's...

It's--it's just my way of saying "I'm sorry."

But I don't own a horse.

Cash is fine.

(Laughs) Cash?

Cash you'll just spend on something silly.

Or food.

No, no. A saddle you'll have forever.

Happy trails.

(Wind gusting)