01x17 - Adrenaline

(Birds chirping, animal chittering)

Hey.

(Growls) We've got company.

So we do.

Mm. (Tiger growls)

Yeah, he sees us, too.

Yeah, sure, he does.

You'd better do something.

Mm-hmm. (Cocks gun)

All right. 50 yards.

Uh-huh.

40.

(Blowing)

35!

Yep.

Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Shoot, man! (Cocks gun)

Shoot!

(Growling)

Ooh!

(Exhales)

(Vanessa) Mike?

Honey, have you seen my brown shoes?

Oh! Wait a minute. Here they are.

(Kristin) Mom! Mandy blew a fuse with her hair dryer again!

Ooh.

(Mandy) I did not! It was Eve!

(Eve) I don't even dry my hair!

Ooh.

(Mandy) What kind of person even admits that? (Sighs)

Last Man Standing - S01E17 Adrenaline
Original air date February 14, 2012

Now I was gonna try clear gloss over flat matte.

Mm-hmm.

Never dries right.

Okay, what you wanna do is use a water-based polish and that way, you don't need a cover gloss. Right, dad?

I'm really trying hard not to listen to this.

Maybe I need to, you know, shake things up.

Try something exciting.

Something exciting. I like the sound of that.

I'm way ahead of you.

Ten nails-- ten different colors!

Oh, man, honey, we gotta get outta here.

Nope, can't.

I got my pickling class with Michelle tonight.

Your pickling class?

Yep, yep.

That makes your knitting group sound like an x game.

Stop. I enjoy it.

Plus, you gotta take Boyd to Gymborama, and you promised you'd take Eve to get new socks.

Whoo! How could I forget a day like that?

Yeah.

Where is Eve?

Oh, uh, she's studying for math club.

Before breakfast?

Yeah, well...

She's gotta dial it down a bit.

How come she can't be more like professor nail polish and aunt boring over there?

(Mouths words)

Hey, so, uh, I'm wondering if next Saturday, you could pick up Boyd from day care?

Yeah. Sure. Why?

Can't tell you.

Is it personal?

Can't tell you.

Is it something about me?

Yes.

Really?

No.

Oh.

Well, then I don't care.

Well, good.

Well, good.

I do care. I can't think. I'm not eating.

Kristin, tell me. Tell me.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Thinking today about the best part about hunting.

Lot of good parts, but the very best part-- think about it-- when your gun jams.

What? Gun jams?

Yeah, think about it-- now you have a 500-pound black bear, who's kind of mad at you, running right at you. (Growls)

And you're thinking to yourself, "Huh. I don't think I'm gonna make it through this."

In that split second, you're going, "I'm gonna spend eternity now with Marilyn Monroe, "Jesus, and most of Lynyrd Skynyrd."

But your fortune changes.

Get a new cartridge back in that gun, you rack it, boom, you pop off, hit the bear.

Now he gets to spend eternity with gentle Ben, bear Jesus, and most of the Country Bear Jamboree. (Harp plays)

There's nothing like the rush of adrenaline to make you feel alive.

Whether it's swimming with sharks, or if you're with your girlfriend, and all of a sudden, her husband pulls in the driveway in his patrol car.

You know, sadly, a lot of us just don't feel this.

"Men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Thoreau.

"Boredom is desire seeking desire."

Tolstoy.

Communist.

"Bored?

"Get out of the basement, put the comic books down, and do something!"

Grammy.

Mike, I wanna show you something here.

I've been thinking of jazzing up the retail space a little bit, to add some excitement here, you know?

(Laughs) All right! Yeah?

Yeah, let's do it. Exciting. What do you wanna do?

Well, I'm thinking of arranging the fishing rods by height.

Huh? See? See?

Not exciting enough, huh?

What do you say we blow something up?

Yeah.

Like what?

Like a bass boat.

We fill it with gasoline, we shoot it 50 feet in the air, the thing bursts into a fireball.

We'll sell a lot of somethin'.

Could I ask you to reconsider the fishing rod idea?

Wrestling!

We put a cage over by camping.

People come in, they watch greasy men beat each other up, they'll buy something.

Hmm.

Or I could just send you to Brisbane.

In Australia?

Yeah, well, the hunting and fishing expo's next month.

I know.

And clearly, you're itching for some real excitement.

Reward yourself with a trip. Enjoy. Go on. Go on. Go on.

(Inhales deeply) Ah, I can't.

(Sighs)

With Vanessa's promotion, I've been pickling up the slack at home.

Did you just say "pickling"?

Did I?

All right. All right. Professional wrestlers it is.

Okay, we'll put a couple by the register.

If you can defeat them, you get 20% off your purchase.

How's that?

I don't think our customers should have to fight someone to buy things.

All right, just spitballing. They're not all gems, right?

How about my NASCAR idea?

No offense, but I think you're past the age limit.

Besides, I drove in today, you were asleep in the car with your blinker on.

Aw, come on. You know, I'm serious.

NASCAR's one of the biggest sports in America.

75 million fans. It'll be a huge promotion for us.

Maybe not a bad idea.

We get a car, put it in our store, people come in, fan appreciation day, we bring a lot of customers in.

I've known Tony Stewart for years.

I'll give him a call.

Maybe we can get our logo on the car!

All right! I love that, I love that, I love that.

I've been looking for somewhere to invest all that cash that I've got taped under my desk.

(Laughs) What?

Nothin'.

Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me.

I listened to Boyd ask for a cookie for three straight hours yesterday.

You really think you can break me?

What if I tell you one of my secrets?

You don't have any secrets. You never shut up.

Not true. I shut up just long enough to hear a very juicy secret about Jake Borelli and who he was making out with in his grandma's motor home.

Okay.

Who?

You first.

Okay, fine. But you cannot tell Eve, because she'll tell mom.

She's a rat.

I know. She's on her payroll.

That's why her allowance is so big.

Come on.

Okay, okay.

Okay, so a bunch of the girls at work are going skydiving, and I signed up, too.

You did what?

Get in here.

(Sighs)

You cannot tell mom.

She's the matriarch of the family.

She's supposed to know everything.

Here. Look.

That's me tap dancing in a tankini.

Right. It is one click away from going viral.

No, no! Stop!

Watch me.

Fine.

I won't tell mom.

Tell me what?

Uh, nothing.

What's with the third degree? Where am I, GITMO?

(Exhales deeply) Hey.

Hey!

So I pulled out some steaks for you and the girls.

Why? Where are you going?

Pickling.

Pickling?

Yeah.

Listen to yourself.

You used to ski down black diamond hills on one leg.

Now you're putting vegetables in brine.

And?

Aren't you the woman that got kicked out of a national park for kayaking down a waterfall buck naked?

I know what this is. I know.

You're upset about something, and you are not gonna be happy until I am upset, too.

But it's not gonna work, because I am very happy.

Pickling?

Yeah, pickling. I enjoy it.

Just like an old woman.

No, that's not gonna work.

Yeah? Where you taking your classes?

The senior center.

Congratulations! I am now upset!

Okay, guys, we're all set. Tony Stewart's car is here.

How'd you get it in so fast?

Curly and the guys.

They help me push it in through the elephant doors.

Yeah, well, where's Tony?

He said he had to pee like a race car.

Then he started laughing.

Let's see it!

Come on. I can't wait to see the logo!

Come on.

(Curtain whirring)

Wow. (Laughs) Look at that.

Ooh.

Where's the logo?

Kyle, show him.

It's over here.

Huh?

It's right... there.

There it is! There it is! Outdoor man. (Laughs)

Somehow, I thought it might be bigger.

Looks pretty good.

I can cover it with my thumb.

And the Basque are not known for large thumbs.

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

Well, how you doing, Smoke?

How you doing, Choke?

Good to see you.

"Choke"?

What, did you get all nervous and freeze up?

No, I actually choked someone 'cause they asked me a stupid question.

Uh, Tony Stewart, this is our C.E.O., Ed Alzate.

A pleasure. Question, Tony, please.

Come on. (Clears throat)

Um, any way to make this logo a little bigger?

Well, it's not really my area.

I see, but the-- the car's your area, right?

Right.

And the logo is on the car?

Uh, how--how could that not be your area?

Ed, Ed... dial it back a little bit, all right?

Forget it. He's all hopped up on jelly beans.

Listen, I'm doing you a huge favor here, Choke.

This isn't a show car. This is the real deal.

Won the sprint cup title in this baby.

I really appreciate it.

You know, and it's lucky for you I was busy that day, 'cause I think I probably could have taken you in my pickup truck.

I can drive in reverse faster than you can drive that old milk truck.

That old milk truck is a classic, you know?

Much like your haircut.

Listen, just don't let anybody touch it and lean on it and sit in it.

And especially, most of all, don't let anybody kiss the hood.

Kiss the hood?

Especially you.

(Laughs)

Anyway, what time you need me back here?

Uh, show's at 4:00.

Why don't you get back here at 3:30 for some prep?

We got a big crowd showing up.

Sounds good. I'll see you then.

See you later, bud.


Oh, this is some machine.

(Door closes)

Yeah, yeah. If I were younger, I'd be out in the parking lot doing doughnuts in it.

Even if you wanted to, this thing won't turn on. (Camera shutter clicks)

Oh, butch up, Mildred.

All you'd have to do is attach the battery, and then you just... Flip the old kill switch.

There you go, huh? (Click, clank)

Boy, driving this thing is like being strapped to a missile.

Yeah. A 900-horsepower missile.

Can you imagine that?

With 42 other cars right behind you?

Going around Talladega? Over 200 miles an hour? Yeah!

Wow, huh?

Yeah.

I don't really get it.

What don't you get?

Oh, no, I think the car's pretty cool.

I just don't get the whole appeal of racing.

It's about endurance, man and machine.

Come on. These guys are flying around the track, sometimes they're hitting 3 G's.

3 G's! That's the same amount of G's as astronauts feel when they take off on a rocket.

Wow.

Just wish our name was bigger.

I'm thinking about pickling a radish.

Is that crazy? Tell me it's crazy.

Hmm? What?

I, uh... Oh, no. No, no. No.

You're distracted.

(Scoffs) A little.

I mean-- just I...

I was once a black diamond skier.

I kayaked over a waterfall, I even repelled down the face of Lincoln on mount Rushmore.

And now I-I-I go to work, I raise kids, I-I pickle.

I pickle things I don't even like.

You know what you need?

What?

Bangs.

I really think your forehead could pull it off.

Everybody down!

You! Down!

(Lowered voice) Vanessa! He said to get down!

He was very specific!

Down!

Lady, do you have a problem?

Yeah. You're my problem.

Ooh!

Uhh!

(Guns cock)

Drop it.

Too slow.

(Eve) Mom. Mom!

Too slow.

Mom!

Hmm? What?

Your friend is on the phone.

What?

You know, Michelle, the one that dad says looks like a robot.

(Sighs) Yeah, hi. Hi, Michelle.

What? Oh, yeah. I-I'll meet you there.

(Yawns) Oh, my gosh. Wow.

Mm.

Mom.

Hmm? What?

Nothing.

Wh-what? What is it, honey?

I can't tell you.

I'm afraid I'll crack if you keep asking me...

If-- if you keep asking me.

Well, is-- is it about school?

No. Mandy?

No. Kristin?

What is it about Kristin?

Look, I-I can't tell you. (Sighs)

I'd sooner jump out of an airplane with a bunch of waitresses before I told you.

Is Kristin skydiving?

I can't tell you.

Good girl.

He said not to do this.

I don't care. I want to kiss the hood.

He put the thought in my head.

(Whirring)

"Dear sirs, by now you've probably noticed that "the race car is missing. That's because I took it.

Warmest regards, Kyle."

If Tony comes back, that car isn't here, we'll lose the endorsement.

Yeah.

(Hard rock ringtone playing)

(Ringtone stops, beep)

Kyle speaking.

Kyle, where are you?

Oh, I wanted to try some of those doughnut things you were talking about.

But I can't get it in gear. I think it's stuck.

Where are you?

North parking lot.

Stay there. I'm coming.

Okay, you can't miss me.

I'm standing right next to a bright red race car.

Hello?

(Laughs) Oh, my God.

My heart is pounding so hard.

Alpha team! You're up next.

Let's make our way to the staging area.

Hustle up! Let's go!

(Speaks inaudibly)

Kristin! Honey!

Mom?

Ugh! Eve!

Yeah, yeah, Eve told me!

And you should have, too!

I know, but...

Mom, it's not fair!

Everybody else gets to have all of this fun and excitement, and I don't.

Honey, listen, I know. I know it's not fair.

And trust me, when I had you, I gave up a lot of stuff, too, like-- like smoking and bar fights and fatty food.

I-- whoa. I'm-- did you say "bar fights"?

Look-- it-- look, the-- the point is... Is you are an adult.

And you're a role model.

And-- and you have to think of more than just yourself.

I know that, and I do.

Yeah.

But it's just... Being responsible doesn't mean never having any fun.

Honey, that's exactly what it means.

I don't really think that you believe that.

Well...

I do. I do. Yes. That is what I believe.

Do it with me.

What?

Yeah. Come on. You should jump with me.

Come on, mom, it's gonna be awesome.

I know, but that would make me a total hypocrite!

So? Would you rather be a big old bore? Come on!

Come on.

Ladies! Last chance!

Who's jumping?

Yeah. You heard him. Last chance, ladies.

Who's jumping? Come on.

No, you go. You go.

Go. Have fun.

You sure?

Go.

Okay. (Giggles)

(Door closes)

(Plane roars)

Hey! Smoke! You're early!

Yeah, it's just kind of my thing.

I wanna check on my race car.

Kind of miss her when we're apart.

Yeah, of course. Oh, she's a beauty!

But first, why don't we go upstairs?

I'll show you the gun that killed Hemingway.

Huh? Come on.

I just wanna check on my race car.

Yeah, hang on. What kind of host would I be if I didn't load you down with premium outdoor man swag?

Huh?

Ah, it's not necessary.

Of course not, but... Just one question.

One question.

Uh, what size snowshoes do you wear? Hmm?

I really don't wear snowshoes.

You don't wear snowshoes?

No.

(Chuckles) Let's go to the warehouse.

You haven't lived until you've trudged laboriously through hip-deep snow, man.

But I don't wear snowshoes.

They go with everything.

You know, Kyle, of all the dumb things you've done, this is the dumbest.

That may not be true.

One time, I took my mom's cat Dorothy to a rookies game.

Kyle, this isn't a talk show.

Listen, we gotta get this car back through the elephant doors.

You push, I'm gonna steer.

No can do. I tweaked my back.

You'll just have to drive it.

I'm not driving this.

Look, Mr. B., I saw the way you looked at this thing, and I know you can start it.

I'm not gonna drive it.

I dare you.

I don't know much about you, but I do know this-- you love your family, you enjoy your life, and every now and then, you need to do something you're probably gonna regret.

This is that moment.

I'm gonna start this car, I'm gonna drive this car, and if I don't get killed in this car, I'm gonna get out of the car and kick your ass.

I expect nothing less, sir.

You might wanna back away.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

(Engine revving)

(Tires screeching)

Look out below!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Try these goggles.

They won't fog, even in fog.

I just wanna see the car.

Yes, of course. How would you like to see the loading dock, huh? You like boxes, right? Don't you?

No, don't touch that.

(Whirring)

(Sighs)

Hey, Tony, how's it going?

We were... We were just looking at...

The... this, uh... Side of the car.

It's nice. You know, it's...

You know, the car, which is right back where you left it.

And there's no reason to suspect otherwise.

No. None whatsoever.

I think I've got a new passion for racing, actually--

Whoa!

You know, there's a whole shipment of "shut the hell up" downstairs. Why don't you unload it?

Got it.

(Chuckles) Kids.

You drove the car, didn't you, Mikey?

Oh, come on. What'd you expect?

It was like putting a hot apple pie in a windowsill.

Give me the keys to your truck.

Why?

Well, you did doughnuts in my car, I'm gonna do doughnuts in your truck.

I don't think that's a good idea. It's an old classic.

It-- you'd flip it or something.

Yeah, but that possibility is exactly what makes it fun.

Uh, really, it's not the same thing.

You know, and really, nobody drives my truck but me.

Tony, I understand how you feel.

Just a second here. But two wrongs do not make a right.

I'm with Mike on this one. I have to back him up.

I'll double the size of that logo.

Mike, give him your keys.

(Both laugh)

Hi.

Oh, good. You stopped her.

Actually, she didn't.

You let her jump?

I had to keep a close eye on her.

(Laughs)

You jumped, too?

Yeah, it's possible.

I've been sitting here racked with guilt that I betrayed a secret!

I-I've barely been able to study!

I mean, the teacher said we wouldn't be tested on this, but it could be a trick.

Oh, honey, Eve...

Listen to me, sweetheart...

Sweetheart, you are a good and responsible person.

It's very important. But, Evie...

Sometimes it's also important to just... live a little!

Mom used to get into bar fights!

Ugh! Come on. Can no one keep a secret in this house?

Come on, Eve.

I wanna show you the video of our jump.

Not interested.

Mom hit a bird on the way down.

Now I'm interested.

Come on!

(Sighs)

Wow.

Oh. Whoo.

Hmm.

Hey, V., V., V.!

Oh, honey! Honey!

I did something crazy today.

I did something really crazy, too.

I took Tony Stewart's car out in the parking lot and did doughnuts! In a NASCAR! Doughnuts!

I jumped out of a plane!

Bedroom?

Kids.

Bomb shelter!