01x18 - Baxter & Sons

(Indistinct conversations)

Pardon me, miss?

I'm looking for Mike Baxter.

Actually, it's "ma'am."

Ah.

My mistake.

Hey.

(Chuckles) How are you?

You guys all know my kid brother Jimmy, right?

(All) Hey.

And you all know my personal masseuse, Ramone?

Hey.

They'll wave at anything, won't they?

Well, they probably think you're that special needs visitor that's coming by to take a tour of the store.

Ah.

Yes. Keep talking, brother.

The only special need you're gonna have to worry about is learning how to speak without your teeth.

So you still think you could take your older brother?

With my eyes closed d d my feet in cement.

Which is pretty much how you played little league baseball.

(Mouths words)

"I'm scared. I'm scared."

Okay. That one actually hurt a little.

So what are you doing in Denver?

You run out of social diseases out in Durango?

Ah. You getting a little senile?

I'm here to talk with Ed about the bid to build your new store out by the airport.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ed!

Jim!

Hey, Edward. (Ed laughs)

Good to see you, Ed. How are you?

Thank you. Good to see you.

Great.

Michael, I'm seriously considering letting Jim build our next store in Thornton. Huh? Pending your okay, of course.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Uh, we gotta talk in your office for a minute.

We'll be right back out.

I'll just spread out here.

Dot t touch any of my stuff.

Listen, Ed, why are you always springing stuff on me without any warning? how about the "exotic elf" at the Christmas party?

I had no idea she was gonna take her clothes off.

The kids were in shock.

If it's any consolation, later on in the evening, she stole my TV set.

When we talked about my brother coming here to bid on this, I said I don't mix business and family.

Come on. Your brother's been doing construction for 25 years.

Yeah, but if we give him this job, he's gonna be around here for a year.

So?

I can't even be on a touch football team with a guy like that. He'll have to play quarterback.

I'm a receiver. He sends me on the wrong route!

I'm in the end zone, going like this--

"I'm open! I'm open! I'm open! For the love--" yeah! And that's just what he did, like this.

(Chuckles) This-- this sounds-- sounds like a classic case of two alpha males fighting for turf, like-- like-- like monkeys or-- or aggressive tree roots.

Don't get me wrong. I love my idiot brother.

Yeah. In my experience, fighting and loving go hand in hand.

That's why your second wife shot you.

Then we made love in the ambulance.

You decide about working with Jim, but I'll tell you this-- it was a hell of a bid, and they have some great ideas.

"They"?

Is my dad involved in this?

Michael, don't sucuch.

Last Man Standing - S01E18 Baxter & Sons
Original air date February 21, 2012

(TV blooping)

Hey, w-what are you doing?

Just deleting all your "hoarders" episodes.

Well, don't, don't. They make me feel good about my closet.

Mom, you have more than 20 saved up.

You know, mother, you're actually hoarding "hoarders."

Hey, everybody, we got a visitor alert.

Hey, hey.

Jimmy!

Hi.

Hey, guys. Oh, my God.

Hey. Mwah. Hi.

Look at you. Hey, beautiful.

You are still way too gorgeous for my brother.

Oh, stop, stop.

Ah, no, one more thing. Say one more nice thing.

(Sniffs)

You smell pretty.

Aw. Honey, how come you never say things like that?

Because I already have ya.

Yeah. Please, big hug. Let me look at you.

I'm trying to remember which one of you I like the best.

It's me.

It was you, briefly.

Mike. Where do I plug in the sewage pipe for my RV?

Where did we do it last time?

The Wongs', and they didn't like it.

Hello, beautiful. Mm.

Oh, my good-- mwah. Ohh. Good to see you.

Gosh, why didn't you two tell us you were coming?

We didn't want to be any trouble.

You'd just be out buying food, cleaning the guest rooms.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Uh, where you going?

I'm gonna go buy food, clean the guest rooms...

Remember, I like red meat. It does not like me.

(Mike) Yeah.

Trust me, dad, that is something that, uh, we will never forget.

Why were you trying to pass me on the freeway?

Why didn't you let me pass you?

Because I'm leading you to my house.

I know where you live, and your way is stupid.

My way's stupid? Well, your-- your way is stupider.

I know how to get to your house.

It's not a stupid thing-- ladies.

And ugly.

This is us in 30 years.

Who wants a beer?

Yeah.

What kind do you have?

The free kind.

Sounds good.

Pop. Take a load off. I'll go get the bags.

Do it. Don't brag about it.

You girls...

You're so beautiful.

I'm sorry your grandma couldn't see you all grown up.

Do you still miss her, grandpa?

Sure, I do. She was my soulmate, you know?

They only come around once in a lifetime.

Do you still set her place at the dinner table?

No. That would be creepy.

So, grandpa, what do you do with all your time?

I fill my days. I, uh, help Jim run the business.

A little chess in the park.

I write angry letters to a variety of publications.

Hey, can I get you anything?

Yeah, I'm a little peckish.

Yeah?

Why don't you grab those pistachios over there?

Why don't all three of us get them?

'Cause it's a tiny bowl?

Just come with me.

Guys, grandpa seems really lonely.

(Eve) Where did you get that from?

The way he talks about Nana. You know, it's been Five years.

I think n needs to meet someone.

No, no.

No, no, no. Mandy, we are not gonna set grandpa up.

Why not?

Because this isn't a 1950s musical.

Hey, what's holding up my nuts?

So Ed's gonna let Baxter & sons build the new store?

It's worse. He says it's my decision.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna let him build it.

Jim turns everything into a competition, and I'm not gonna let him win.

Well, your dad'll be there. Won't he keep the peace?

Right. He likes it when we fight.

I think it's what keeps him alive.

Come on!

I'm not kidding.

Every time Jim and I argue, my dad's skin looks better.

Well, honey, maybe this is a good thing.

I mean, I-I think Jimmy's always been a little jealous of your success.

I mean, maybe this will bring you closer.

We are close.

Well, you see each other, what, three times a year?

What do you even talk about?

Everything-- sports, the Broncos, how the team's doing...

Honey, those are one thing.

Would you go in business with your sister?

Which one? April or Teri?

Teri.

No.

April?

No.

Why did you say, "which one?"

You know, my sisters-- they're-- they're varying degrees of crazy, but Jim-- Jim's not.

Come on.

Can't you just put aside your family issues and give the guy a chance?

I hate it when you think I'm a better man than I am.

Hey, Mike. You need a hand with anything?

Like, um... Getting me that beer?

(Bottle cap fizzes)

How about I get you a job?

Why don't you build the Outdoor Man?

That's a good call.

(Chuckles) "Good call."

That's it?

What do you want me to do? Kiss your loafers?

It's a good call.

No, but I-- you know.

I'm asking you to build an 80,000-square-foot building, maybe some guys would say, "thank you."

Brother, I'm gonna hand you the best Outdoor Man...

I-I know you are.

In the history of Outdoor Men...

No, I understand all that. I unders-- so I'm thinking some guys would say, "you're welcome."

Y-you're welcome.

Right. "You're welcome." It's easy.

No, you're welcome.

No, you're totally welcome.

You start with a "thank you"...

Listen, this is-- my pleasure. You're welcome.

No, you're welcome.

You are welcome.

You're welcome.

Welcome!

It starts-- it star-- gee, thank you.

You're welcome?

Hey, Ed.

Oh, there you are.

I got your emergency text. What's the problem?

Yeah, uh... (Clears throat)

(Lowered voice) You see the fetching sandwich lady over there? Hmm?

(Speaking inaudibly)

(Whispers) What's her name?

Uh... Jackie.

J-Jackie! Yes, that's it.

(Normal voice) Thank you very much. Thank you thanks.

This is precisely why I never wanted you to have my cell phone number.

Come on now, come on now.

Now why the frosty tone?

Gee, I'm sorry, Ed, but I'm a little busy.

Got to head to the bank with proper construction permits, get my brother a loan so he can build a building so I can be his boss so he can resent me and probably kill me with a backhoe.

Have a great morning.

Are we still hung up on this?

"Still"? This just happened yesterday.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Look, you pout all the way to the bank, but remember this-- your brother has been living a little under your shadow, and that can't be easy.

What's the point, Ed?

Point is it takes two people to fight.

You don't have to be one of them.

(Sighs)

I hate it when you and my wife think I'm a better guy than I really am.


(Under breath) Jackie, yes...

(Clears throat)

Hello, Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

Look at all of those cute little old ladies looking for little old men. Look at her hat. She's fancy.

What's going on?

Oh, just looking for a love match for grandpa.

Oh, and, guys, just so you know, I set up this couple at my school, and now she's pregnant, so, pretty sure I know what I'm doing.

(Exhales deeply)

Okay. Who do we got?

Oh, okay, um...

"Fun-loving widow looking for a rugged gentleman to..."

Really? At that age?

I don't even know why you're here.

I think I know how to ge a loan for start-up costs.

Listen, I'm just making sure it's properly licensed and permitted.

You really are a nerd, aren't you?

Ugh.

Hi, guys. Richard Clark.

Hey, Richard.

Good to see you again, Mr. Baxter.

We know each other?

I went to school with your daughter Kristin.

Ah.

Tell her Richard says, "hello." (Chuckles)

Why are you laughing at that?

I'm thinking he got some.

You asked a qutition and, uh, you must be James Baxter, the loan applicant.

That's right.

Well, James. (Sighs)

Looked over your request, and...

I've got to say, I'm a little concerned about your assets.

"Concerned" how, Spanky?

Imagine we're talking about doughnuts.

Okay.

I wish you had a large box of doughnuts, but instead, you've only got, like, seven doughnuts.

Yeah.

I need more doughnuts.

Look, my brother just needs seed money for the project.

Mike, I think I got this.

Really? Doing a good job so far, letting a college sophomore turn you down for a loan.

Yoyou're, uh... Yoyou're turning me do?

Just, you're a a-- you're a little overextended what happened all your doughnuts?

Last couple projects, we built on spec.

We haven't unloaded'em yet. It's not a big deal.

Is that what this is about?

Wait, wait, "on spec"?

Don't lecture me.

You're not supposed to use your doughnuts.

I mean, if you have to use a couple of your doughnuts, then you come to a clown like this for the other doughnuts.

(Chuckles)

What are you laughing about?

I'm not. It's just a nervous tic.

Well, take some medicine.

No way, I-I think you should reapply, you know after the economy bounces back.

Yah. That's great come on, Mike.

Wait a sec, wait a second.

Whatt if I cosign the loan as an executive of Outdoor Man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Just listen up.

Well, that would certainly change things.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I know you're not, but you heard Richie Rich.

You're not getting the loan otherwise.

Would you do this for another contractor?

No.

Right. Forget it.

I may not have enough doughnuts, but I still have my pride. No deal.

Don't be a baby about this.

"Baby"? Hey, I'm not being a baby.

I am the one who stayed home with dad...

Oh, start this...

Start this-- and kept the family business going while you ran off.

"Ran off"?

Yeah.

How about college?

Anyway, anyway...

How about getting a career and all that stuff?

Thanks for coming in, and...

Tell Kristin that I own my own car now.

Sit down, sport. Look at this.

We came here for a loan, so don't be a martyr about dad.

The only reason you stayed with dad, 'cause it was cheaper and easier to do that.

You ran away.

When we get out that parking lot, you'll be running away.

Oh, I'm gonna be running away.

Unless you want to go here.

I would go here, yes.

Let's do that. Let's go here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm thinking the parking lot might be better for fighting.

There's more room. It's well-lit.

There's a little clinic right across the street, in case you get hurt.

You're right, kid.

All right, now I want you to keep an open mind, because love comes in many forms.

Who are these women?

You're gonna pick that one, and then you're gonna ask her out, and then you won't be lonely anymore, and it's all because of me!

Mandy.

Full disclosure...

Yeah.

I've got a girlfriend.

What?

Her name is Stella, and she's a real spitfire.

So you can't go to a senior square dance at Nibblers?

No, thanks. I'm more of a salsa guy, anyway.

(Sighs) See you later.

Where you going?

Meeting up with a hot grandma for dinner, dancing, and then after that, we're gonna see where the afternoon takes us.

Yee-haw.

Hey, dad.

I am so glad you're here.

Me, too.

Yeah.

Isn't it great, the way Jim and Mike are getting along so well?

Hmm. That's your impression of what's happening around here?

Ah...

They tussle about this and that, but they're gonna love working together.

You're just trying to show me up, like I can't get a loan on my own.

Because you can't get the loan on your own!

What happened?

I didn't get the loan.

He could have got the loan if he weren't so stubborn!

Oh-- just let me cosign for it-- pop, there are a million other projects you and I could be working on without having to deal with all this.

What do the hand gestures mean?

It means you're not fooling me.

You're trying to rub my face in it and make me feel like a loser.

Or maybe it's a brother trying to help another brother out, who deserves a shot. Maybe that's all!

All right, all right. Stop!

I've had enough of you two guys!

Neither one of you's too big to put over my knee replacement.

You know what, pop?

I can't deal with this guy.

The project is dead. All right?

If you need me, I'll be in the RV, opening a can of beans.

Not the beans! The beans are for when the government takes over!

What is going on here? (Sighs)

You know what?

Maybe this isn't just about you and Jimmy and-- and building a store.

What do you mean?

(Sighs) Look at what your father did to the paper.

Hillary's always had a mustache.

No, the real estate section. He's circling apartment ads.

Your father wants to move here.

Why?

"Why?" "Why?" Because the project's here, his family's here. I mean, just put it together.

He wants to be near his granddaughters, his great-grandson, you.

And for God sake, the van does say "Baxter & sons."

You figured all that out by these red circles, huh?

It's a knack.

Never let 'em tell you women aren't smart.

Who said that?

It's not important.

Who? Who?

I-I--

Is it somebody at work?

No, it's not--

Give me a name. Name one person.

No, I'm not sa-- one per-- name one person.

Was it the idiots down at the loading dock?

Forget the loading dock...

Can't think of anybody?

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

It's my office.

Ooh. Mike has an office.

Ed called us here.

He's not gonna change my mind, pop.

I'd rather build taco stands for the rest of my life than have him cosign a loan and lord it over me.

Jim, does he lord it over you that he saved your butt from that bully, Andy O'Connell, in the seventh grade?

How do you even remember that kid's name?

Because Mike always--

Dad, dad, dad.

Oh, good.

You'll all here.

All right.

Gentlemen...

I'm giving the project over to my second choice...

Trumbull.

Case closed.

Trumbull?

All right, you idiots. You happy now?

(Door opens)

Ed. Those guys are gangsters, man.

They're gonna gouge you.

Ed, Jim's right. They're thieves. You know that.

Eh, maybe, but they're thieves with heavy equipment and, uh, an experienced crew, and no infighting.

Ed, wait.

You're gonna let him do this? (Whispers) What?

What am I supposed to do about it?

I... cosign the loan.

Why don't you use your big-guy voice?

Cosign the loan.

Anything's better than giving the business to those crooks.

I thought you said it made you feel a loser.

Yeah, but then pop pointed out that your desk doesn't have any drawers, so I feel a little better about myself.

It's very stylish. Just don't call it a desk.

Are you all right with this?

Look, Mike, if you're still willing...

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm willing. Let's do it.

All right. All right.

Baxter &...

Sons.

Yeah.

This is a great day. What happens next?

I drive us to the bank.

We'll use my car.

You kind of drive like miss Daisy.

Well, actually, miss Daisy didn't drive the car.

That was the point of the movie, you moron.

(Mike and Jim speak at once)

I'll drive.

Whoa, hey, you--

Mike is a fine driver.

No, you go ahead.

Would you drive?

No problem.

I'm super confident.

You just sit, dad.

Kind of slow, but we'll get there.

Not driving a tractor.

We could even take his old truck.

I'll tell you what, I'd rather take-- you're such a-- you know what?

Yeah, Jim Baxter here for Outdoor Man, letting you know that we're, uh, locked and loaded for our big sale on over-under shotguns.

Come on, brother, brother, come on, lookit.

(Keyboard keys clack) Lookit. "Locked and loaded." Punch the words.

"Locked"-- "locked and loaded."

I can think of something I'd like to punch, honestly.

Is this like Andy O'Connell?

If I hadn't yanked the kid off you, he would have kicked your ass. Instead, I kicked his ass...

Hey.

And you look far better-- you know what? It's time to go.

Oh, let's do it.

Come on.

(Both grunting)

(Thud)

Hoo. Still is big brother around here. (Sighs)

(Grunting)

(Sighs) Hey...

(Sighs)

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

We are locked and loaded for our new-- look who's up.

Hey, remember me?

(Thud)

(Both grunting)

Aah!

(Mike) Let go of that! (Crash)

(Thud) Aah!