01x19 - Ding Dong Ditch

(Crunching)

Ohh.

(Blues music playing on TV)

Oh, this family spends too much time watching TV and not enough time talking.

Honey, you're talking right now.

Mike.

Besides, this is educational.

Oh, come on. How is that educational?

I'm teaching Eve here how not to be a gator-huntin' hillbilly.

Hey, dad, can we get a swamp boat?

Yep.

Ohh. Well, Boyd's down. Ooh.

Did they catch that big gator yet?

No, but the toothless guy fell in the water trying to save his jug. (Chuckles)

Speaking of jugs, look at the grandma.

(Chuckles)

That's-- that's enough.

Come on. That's enough of this. Come on.

All right. I'll turn it off. We'll talk. Let's go. (Turns off TV)

Great. So, Kristin, are you excited, college girl?

Mom, I'm taking one class. It's hardly college.

She's right. It's not college till you take six classes and only show up for one.

(Mouths words)

I am really excited, though, because they say that students who spend time in the real world do better in college.

Why?

You know, because their life experience helps them.

Why?

I don't know, Eve. I can't explain it.

Well, then maybe it hasn't helped you.

Mom!

All right, honey, relax.

(Cup clatters)

It's gonna be great.

Look, college transformed me.

I was a nerd in high school, and then I went to Ohio State, and I totally blossomed.

Right, into the coolest girl in the geology lab.

(Mouths words)

(Doorbell ringing)

(Mouths words) Whoa. Showtime.

I don't know what that is.

This is the guy that's ringing the doorbell and running away.

Did you I.D. The perp?

No, but my motion-activated video camera did.

All the information's right here on this little S.D. Card.

Oh, I hope you put that camera up...

(Door closes) After I came home, because my hair was in a bun and my makeup was running.

Why was your makeup running?

I just-- I was crying my eyes out in the car.

God, that Adele-- she cannot keep a man.

This is more suspenseful than on "The Bachelor" when Jason Mesnick broke up with Melissa and proposed to Molly. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Yeah, that was amazing, 'cause he had the whole date planned. They went out-- you remember?

I didn't see it. I don't know why I said that.

All right. There we go.

There we go. Right there. Here he is.

Ringing the doorbell. Turn around.

It's just a person in a red hoodie.

Is he also carrying a basket of goodies and knocking on grandma's door? (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Wow. Look who remembered a book.

(Sighs)

I'm, uh, gonna get something from the kitchen.

I'm gonna go reload the video camera.

(Lowered voice) Ben?

Ben?

(Cat meows)

(Whispers) Hey.

(Chuckles) Hey. What are you doing here?

I had to talk to you.

(Sighs) Why didn't you just call?

I wanted to see you.

Oh. (Chuckles)

So... what did you need to say?

That I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

(Chuckles)

Me, too.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Okay. (Chuckles)

Okay.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Last Ma Standing - S01E19 Ding Dong Ditch
Original air date February 28, 2012

All right, now make sure my bear is nice and clean.

(Sighs) Yes, sir.

(Sighs)

Mr. Alzate, this ladder feels a little unsteady. (Sighs)

I know. You wanna know why? Because it's poorly made.

Please don't let go.

I wouldn't dream of it. Watch it now.

Easy. Easy. (Whirring)

There you go.

(Yawns)

Hey, Mike.

What's the matter? You look a little sleepy.

I haven't been sleeping well. There's a kid prankin' my house.

Oh. Ouch. Oh. (Inhales deeply)

Well, I have to admit, I like a good prank, though.

I love it. Yeah.

Ohh.

I remember in Vietnam we used to play some dumb jokes...

(Sighs) Mm. I'll tell ya, like once, I opened my mess kit, and inside was a face.

But be creative with the prank, you know, like, um, leave a flaming bag of dog poop on a porch or, uh... That's--

That's good. (Chuckles)

Or a flaming box of dog poop...

Mm.

Or put a flaming dog in a box of poop.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta give that kid a taste of his own medicine somehow.

All right. Well, I-I like--

I like where you're heading with this.

All right. Okay. How about...

Bear trap?

You know, I don't think I want the kid on the front lawn screaming, trying to chew his leg off.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Mm?

You know how loud these things are?

Oh, an air horn.

That's right.

What if I could wire this up so when he rings my bell, he gets a little bit of his own medicine?

(Blows)

Ohh! Ohh!

(Thud)

(Panting)

I'm okay. Don't worry.

We're not.

What you want to do is take a string like this...

And as such, organic compounds are classified according to functional groups, such as carboxylic acids... (Door creaks)

Yes?

Hi. Uh, is this organic chemistry?

Yes. In fact, it has been for the past ten minutes.

I'm, uh... hi. Sorry. I'm really sorry I'm late.

Um, my-- my sister Mandy drove me halfway, and then I got out and ran because it was faster and much safer.

(Clatters)

And now it's 11 minutes.

Okay, now this next part will be on the test-- our good friends aliphatic hydrocarbons.

Who can tell me the three groups that these hydrocarbons are divided into?

What about you?

Hmm? What?

Uh, I-I'm, uh...

I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question?

What about you?

Oh. Honey, what are you doing sitting down here in the dark?

(Switch clicks)

(Lowered voice) Cut the light out!

Cut the light out!

(Switch clicks)

Kid's running late.

He must have changed his pattern.

Honey, you've-- you've been down here over an hour.

I've waited in duck blinds a lot longer than this, and it would've been worth it if you hadn't burnt the duck.

Oh, stop.

(Whispering) Shh, shh.

(Whispering) What?

I hear him. Listen.

Where?

All right.

(Doorbell ringing)

(Air horn blows)

Aah!

Come on.

All right. All right.

(Door closes)

Call the police.

Oh, come on, honey.

What?

Don't you think that's excessive?

Yeah, you're probably right. Let's put him in the cage in the basement.

No, just--

Who are you? What's your name?

If I tell you, will you let me go?

Yes.

All right. It's Ben Milbauer.

I lied.

To the cage in the basement.

Come on!

Honey, honey, wait.

But wh-why are you doing this?

I don't know.

You don't-- you don't know why you're ringing our doorbell?

Mom, dad, what are you doing?

We're not doing anything.

We caught little red running hood.

We-- we just want to-- we want to talk to him.

Just come here. Come here. Come sit down.

(Sighs) Look, Ben, I-I mean, I just-- are-- do you think you're being funny? (Sighs)

Uh, what-- what would your mother think?

You know what? (Mike) Yeah.

I tell you what she'd think. She'd say you were being rude.

I mean, I just-- I don't know any other word for it.

Right.

It's just rude and-- and, uh, and inconsiderate and, uh, and thoughtless.

Uh... uh, it's ill-mannered.

Boorish. It's just boorish to me.

I-I can't even-- not to mention annoying.

That cage is starting to sound like a good idea right now.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

What if he promises never to do it again?

Do you know him?

(Chuckles) No. Of course not.

No, no, no. Look, I-I promise, okay? (Chuckles)

Look, I promise it'll never happen again. Please.

He does look scared.

Honey, maybe we should let him go.

This is why I don't go fishing with you.

All right. Catch and release.

Let's go. Come on.

But you don't come back here!

You come back here, next time you know what I'll do?

I'll twist your head off like a hungry chimp with a spider monkey!

Whack!

They do that.

(Doorbell rings)

(Sighs)

Hi. Frank Milbauer, Ben's dad.

Oh, hey. Mike Baxter. Come on in.

That's my wife Vanessa.

Hi.

Hi. (Chuckles)

Hi.

Listen, uh, your son came by and apologized, so we're all good.

No need for you to apologize.

However, if there was a 6-pack of, uh, pale ale on the doorstep, I wouldn't throw it away.

How does it feel to bully a 13-year-old boy?

(Sighs) I don't think we're getting that pale ale.

You scared the hell out of my son.

Well, he was trespassing, uh, Frank.

Yeah, well, he was playing a harmless prank, and you became Rambo.

Well, you shouldn't pull a prank on Rambo. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Uh, what-- what my husband is trying to say is your son was on our property.

And while he was on your property, he sprained his wrist...

(Gasps) And we had to get an x-ray for it, and it cost us $300.

Mm.

Wow. Yeah, we're-- we're very sorry about that.

We're sorry about that.

(Sighs) Yeah.

I want you to pay for the hospital bill.

Not that sorry.

(Inhales deeply) Yeah.

Fine.

I'll see you in court.

Oh, come on, Frank.

Oh, come on.

Listen, look-- my husband will kick your ass first!


There you are.

I've been waiting for, like, 20 minutes, and I texted you a lot of frowny faces.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

I'm just looking over my quiz score.

(Chuckles) So this is college, huh?

(Chuckles) It's sort of exactly like high school, but the girls have let themselves go.

(Sighs) Mandy, I'm a disaster.

Oh, you haven't gained any weight. Nope.

All right. Come on. You ready? Let's go.

No. Look. Look at my score.

He gave you a "go."

That's a 60.

(Voice breaking) That's the lowest score I've ever gotten in my entire life.

(Giggles) Show-off.

No, back in high school, I was that annoying girl who had all of the answers, and now I'm that clueless girl who puts her head down and prays that she doesn't get called on.

Kristin, I have a really good trick for that, okay?

Say you have bad cramps. No teacher wants to touch that.

I think I'm gonna quit.

No. Come on. Why?

(Grunts) Because I've been out of the game for three years, and everyone is smarter and faster than me.

Look, I'm not the world's greatest student...

Did somebody accuse you of that?

But there's a lot more to me than just school, like how I can look at what someone's wearing and tell you why it does or doesn't work or how I make old people smile.

Mandy, I know you're trying to help, but I want to be a doctor.

Yeah, and you know what doctors do?

They listen and they're compassionate, and you're like that every single day with Boyd.

Yeah, well, that's very sweet, but Boyd is not gonna help me pass organic chemistry.

Oh, please! Ohh! You're such a nerd.

Seriously you're gonna catch up and pass everybody.

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

(Lowered voice) Thank you.

Now let's go. Come on.

Ugh. Okay. Where'd you park?

Oh, right out front. Left the car with the valet.

No, Mandy. There is no valet.

There's no valet! Run!

Hey, fellas.

Good-lookin' fin.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Today I want to talk about accountability and a fishhook.

What do I mean? Most people look at a fishhook and they go, "oh, I'll put a little fishin' line on there and go fishin'," but it must be confusing to some other people, 'cause they put a warning label on a bag of fishhooks--

"do not swallow."

Really?

You gotta be told not to swallow these things?

That's a warning?

That's the warning for these things.

They should read that.

What kind of person swallows one of these?

And mistakes it for what, a garnish?

Instead of going to the emergency room, tail between your legs...

"Sorry, I got into the cookin' sherry, and I thought it was a cherry tomato."

No! You morons won't take responsibility.

You want to sue the manufacturer of the fishhook?!

Take some responsibility.

You do something stupid, it's your fault.

And you know what? If you're that kind of guy that can't figure out whether you should eat this or hook with it, don't come to Outdoor Man, 'cause we got all sorts of stuff we don't want you putting in your mouth around here.

The rest of you, stop down.

We're having a big sale on shotguns.

Great job, Mr. B.

Yeah, thanks.

I didn't know you could sue over little things like that.

It's a litigious society, Kyle.

You sue over anything-- slippin' on the sidewalk, fallin' off a ladder.

I fell off a ladder.

Okay. That's just about enough of that subject. (Chuckles)

How about that Madonna? Can she sing or what, huh?

It was probably my fault, though.

Doesn't matter in today's world whose fault it is, right, Ed?

(Sighs) Uh, listen, Mike, we're talking about Madonna here, all right?

Have-- have you seen her arms?

Looks like the world's strongest bird.

(Rock music playing)

Hey, you know, you're right.

The live version is totally better.

Yeah.

(Door closes in distance)

Did you just hear the door shut?

What?

(Footsteps approach)

(Music stops) She said, "did you just hear the door shut?"

This would be a great time for an explanation.

You're home early.

That's not an explanation.

You remember Ben.

(Chuckles) Hey. Yeah.

Yeah, I-I'd shake your hand, but I sprained my wrist. Yeah.

Might be a good time for you to go home.

Yes, sir.

(Whispers) Bye.

Why did you lie to me?

How did I lie?

You said you didn't know him.

I... forgot?

(Crash)

(Ben) And there goes the other wrist! Ohh!

(Sighs) I don't know why you have to get so mad, dad.

We didn't do anything.

I'm not mad about that. I'm glad you didn't do anything, but you know that kid.

You lied to me.

I-I'm sorry, okay?

No, it's not okay. You stood in this house, and you said you didn't know him.

Why did you lie to me?

I don't know.

Does nobody your age know why they do anything?

You're not gonna like my answer. (Chuckles)

Try me.

I don't know.

Yeah, well, that's too bad.

So what's my punishment?

(Dull voice) I don't know.

That's it?

What am I gonna do so I can feel the same way about you as I did before I came into this house?

(Door opens)

You wanted to see me, sir?

Oh, please, please.

You call me "sir," I look around for my father.

(Chuckles)

My name is Edward, but you can call me "Ed."

But I've never called you "Ed."

(Chuckles) Go on. Have a seat. Have a seat.

No, have my seat.

There you go.

Oh, this is nice.

Yeah. Huh? You like it, huh?

Have a cigar. Come on.

Come on, huh? Have that. There you go.

All right.

Thank you.

Okay.

(Clears throat) Kyle, here at Outdoor Man, we take care of our own, which is why I'm offering you three nights at the mile high inn.

It's right near the airport.

Huh?

I do like to watch the planes take off.

I know that, and you can enjoy the communal hot tub there, right?

And a wide range of free cable television.

Vibrating mattress.

Wow.

Thanks... Ed. (Chuckles)

Uh, but before you go, I need you to sign this form.

What is it?

Oh, it's nothing. Just sign.

Should I read it?

I wouldn't.

This looks like a liability waiver.

You want to enjoy the hot tub or not?

Mr. Alzate, are you worried that I'm gonna sue you?

(Coughs) Well...

I would never do that, sir.

(Pen clicks)

I think of you like family...

(Scribbles)

(Pen clicks, paper rustles)

Like a father.

(Sighs)

Kyle. (Sighs)

I'm feeling something I don't often feel...

(Door closes)

Shame.

Here. Here.

Enjoy the motel.

Go and have some fun. Go.

That's not necessary.

Please. I insist, and take my chair, too. Go ahead.

You're giving me your chair?

Oh, no. H-here. Here. (Keys jangling)

Here are the keys. Go on.

You're giving me your car?

In the trunk, there's a set of golf clubs.

You can use those. Go ahead.

I don't golf.

(Sighs) I'll teach you, son.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Yeah. Um, come on in.

Sit down, okay, Eve?

(Sighs)

Listen, I'm just gonna ask you one more time why you lied to me, and "I don't know"-- that's not an answer.

Because Ben was the ding dong ditcher, and you would have hated him.

Wow. Well, you're probably right, too...

'Cause that is, like, the lamest prank.

You know, you're doing what the pizza guy does.

Come up and ring the doorbell.

(Singsongy) "Gotcha!"

That was just his signal that he wanted to see me.

Why didn't he just throw pebbles against your window?

Uh, he doesn't have the arm. (Sighs)

That kid is a disappointment on many levels.

Then I didn't come clean because...

I know I'm your favorite.

I-I wanted to be the person you thought I was.

I have three girls. I...

(Loudly) I don't have any favorites.

(Lowered voice) You're still my favorite.

Are we okay?

There's still a punishment involved, though.

What?

I want you to pay for his hospital bill.

That's $300, and he got hurt because of your air horn.

All right.

We'll go halves, counselor. Is that fair?

That sounds fair.

It is... 'Cause you're my favorite.

And you know what? You want to play a prank on somebody, ask the master, you know?

We'll get a paper bag and some matches, take the dog, but first we feed him something real greasy.

Chomp, chomp.

(Makes tooting and whooshing sounds)

(Remote control clicks)

So did you, uh, have a pleasant day at school, Ben? (TV playing indistinctly)

I did, Eve. Thank you.

I had math... Which I enjoy. (Sighs)

I... I had a group oboe lesson.

Did you?

Yeah, I did. (Clatters)

Ah.

Hey, Ben, uh, are you enjoying your date?

Not a bit, sir.