01x20 - Animal Wrongs

(Groans) Oh. Oh, boy. Look at that.

You know, this-- this--

Yeah, it's--

You know, "tax the rich." Yeah. (Muttering)

Oh, yeah.

(Exhales deeply) This world.

Do not get me started.

Hey, guys, guys, look. That coyote's in the yard again.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, cool!


Dad, he looks hungry.

That's 'cause he hasn't caught the road runner yet.

Can we feed him? Oh...

No, we can't feed him. You don't feed wild animals.

Yeah, your dad's right.

Could be dangerous.

Oh, but look. He's all alone out there.


Can't we just give him a bowl of milk?

Just a little--

No! How about getting a bowl of milk, Put some cereal in it, and bring it back to dad here? How about--

Coyote's leaving.

Wait. Coyote?

Oh, my God! Has anybody seen the dog? Muffin!


Dad? What if that coyote got Muffin?


The coyote did not get Muffin. Well, how do you know?

Because there would be bits of Muffin out there.


Oh, honey, that isn't reassuring.

But it paints a picture, doesn't it?

Everybody! I have news.

Terrence and I are celebrating our one-month anniversary.

Of what?

(Singsongy) Of love, that's what!

No, no, no. No. No, no, no. Mandy, nobody likes the song!

Nobody wants to hear the song!

♪ there was a girl, she met a boy ♪
♪ on Facebook ♪
♪ her profile pic blew him away, oh ♪

Someone hit "mute"!

Wow, a month. That's 30 days in a row.

I know! Yeah.

I really like him!

When-- when do we get to meet this boy?

Yeah, how about never? Dad wouldn't like him.

Oh, of course not. Dad doesn't like Any of our boyfriends. He likes your boyfriend.

Yeah, that's because he's my boyfriend's boss, And he enjoys that control.

No, I think it's because he has a fear of being replaced.

(Kristin) Oh, yeah, absolutely.

It's because he likes being our rescuer, And when there are other men in the picture, That role is threatened.

But-- but I think he also feels guilty About how he was away so much.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Plus he doesn't want To have to pay for three weddings.


Last Man Standing - S01E20 Animal Wrongs
Original air date March 20, 2012

Wow. Where did this guy come from?

He was hanging around the dumpster, So I gave him three warnings and then, pow!

Mike snagged him from a private collection.

This grizzly was bagged by Teddy Roosevelt himself.

He was a great hunter and a big nature lover.

Yeah. Look at him.

Look at him-- fierce and powerful.

I think I'll call him Ed.

You already named the snow leopard Ed.

Yeah, well, it's my store.

I can call the track lighting Ed if I want.

You guys do whatever you want, But this is a great piece of American history.


Um, Mr. Alzate? Yeah?

Speaking of history, just for fun, I signed up with one of those online companies That look up who your ancestors are, And--

Uh, just for fun, I'm walking away.

No, wait. It turns out I'm Basque, like you.

I mean, my ancestors.

Are you sure?

Yeah. A small region between France and Spain.

Weird language. History of persecution.

Mm-hmm. That's us!


That's us! How about that?

My little Basque brother. Come here.

(Speaks Basque)

I always knew there was something noble about you.

And yet you never spoke up. Yeah.


I have so much to teach you.

Like what?

To begin with, my family's secret salt cod recipe.

What's the secret?

It's chicken.

Come on. (Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, honey. Hi.

You waiting for Terrence?

Uh, yeah. And if he doesn't get here soon, Dad will be home, and they'll have to interact.

Well, sweetie, we gotta meet this boy at some point.

I don't see why.

(Knock on door)

Hey, I told you to honk. Never mind. Let's go.

Hey, wait, wait.

How about an introduction?

Oh. Mom, Terrence. Terrence, mom.


Hi. Okay.

(Mike) Hey, who's blocking the driveway?!

Are you happy now?!

(Exhales and blows raspberry)

Wow. Somebody parked a hybrid out there.

I don't want the neighbors to see that thing.

Oh, that's, uh-- that's mine, sir. Hi. I'm Terrence.

Hi. Mike Baxter. Could you move your car So I can pull the truck in?

Yeah. We were just leaving, anyway. Bye!

Okay. Bye-bye.

Mandy, Mandy, wait. How come you're acting so crazy?

Come on. Take a few seconds. Let's chat.

You're always rushing off to God-knows-where Doing God-knows-what. (Door closes)

I want to get a chance to look at God-knows-who.

(Clears throat)

Hey, that's, uh-- that's quite the gun collection You have back there, Mr. Baxter.

You ought to see the gun collection We got at outdoor man.

Ah, outdoor man. Yeah, yeah, I-I don't think so.

No offense. I'm just not really into promoting The slaughter of innocent animals.

(Chuckles) Wow.

Your ass just hit the couch, and you're already Well on your way to making a good first impression.

I'm-- I'm just being honest with you.

I'm assuming that you like honesty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding around with you.

Dad, Terrence is a freshman at D.U.

Oh. Great.

And he's very well-read. Oh, and he also plays the piano, But not in that, like, coldplay way that you hate.

You tickle the ivories.

(Vanessa) Yeah.

You know where ivory comes from?


Just kidding. I'm just kidding around.

So I take it you're not much of a sportsman.

Oh, by sportsman, Do you mean the assassins who go up in helicopters With assault rifles and kill wolves?

Well, I'll tell you what, Mandy.

I think you got a live one here.

Honey, just be-- be nice.

I'm being nice, you know. Listen, Terry, I just want to explain--

Um, actually, I... Prefer Terrence.


Listen, Terrence, nobody likes animals more than hunters.

We like to manage a good animal population So for future generations there's stuff to kill.

All right, uh, just so you know, I actually belong to an animal rights group.


(Vanessa) Okay.

Shockeroo. (Chuckles)

Which is the name of a little taser We sell at work to actually bring down kangaroo.

(Imitating hooves hopping)

(Mandy) Dad...

(Imitates zapping)

Dad, Terrence's group is called P.H.A.R.T.

It's people helping animal rights today.

Yeah. "Phart."

No, no. It's pronounced "part."

The-- the "h" is silent.

(Laughing) But deadly. Deadly.


(Terrence) "Puh"!

(Mike) Thanks. Mom.

I-- yeah, right. No, so-- so, uh-- so, Terrence, um, What, uh... What's your major?

Environmental studies. Oh.

That's my area. I'm a geologist.

Oh, well, a geologist. Right. Oh.


Yeah, you're the geniuses who invented fracking, The single greatest threat to our clean water supply.

Um... (Chuckles)

Well, that's not really my department, But, um, we-- we do need new sources of energy...

(Mike) Yeah.

And, uh, someone's gotta find them Instead of sleeping till 11:00

And drinking lattes on the quad!

(Mandy) Mom!

(Clears throat)

Excuse me. Good cop, please.

No, no, no. Hey.

It's okay. I'm-- I'm sorry, Mandy...


But, you know, I-I can't stay here in a house Built on bullets and oil barrels.

No, no, no--

Calm down a little bit. It's not built on that.

We-- it's a lot of brick, uh, baby seals, spotted owls.

That's... Dad!

Would you please quit making fun of him?!

Honey, he's-- he is being a little confrontational.

You married him!

No, I'm talking about your boyfriend.

I am lucky to even have a boyfriend, Because every time I bring one home, You can't keep your facts or opinions to yourself!

My opinions are facts. No!

Dad, what ever happened to "nice to meet you.

Go have fun. Here's some money"?

Whatever. We're leaving.

And I will be back when I feel like it, If I feel like it.

Your curfew is at 11:00.

Then I will see you at 11:00!

(Door closes)

I like him.

Good morning, Mr. Alzate.


My little Basque brother. (Chuckles)

Kyle, what happened? Did your shoes call in sick?

It's the salt cod you made for me.

There was so much salt, my feet swelled up.

Then I did it right.

You know, I had a crazy thought.

Why don't we drop everything And take a trip to the old country? Huh?

Come on. What about my job?

Yeah-- oh, Mike'll let you go.

He-- he always said that you could be replaced By a monkey wrench, so... Just... (Grunts)

Oh, I thought he just said "monkey."

I feel much better now.

So, uh, what do you think? What do you think? Come on.


Could we visit the village my people came from?

Sure. It's called Elorrio.

(Chuckles) Elorrio?

That's where my people are from.

I come from a very important family there.

As do I.

Uh, the Ostolazas. (Chuckles)

The Ostolazas?

You're an Ostolaza?

Mm-hmm. So when would we leave?

How about never? How does that work for you?

I don't understand.

Instead, why don't you take a trip to the loading dock And clean the grease stains?

But why? Why? Because that way I don't have to look at your face, that's why.

And put your shoes on! You smell like the dead sea!

See? It's just like fishing rods And hunting rifles, Blah, blah, blah, it's boring.

Yeah, well, I wanted to see the place for myself...

And apologize to your dad.

But I told you he's gone for the day.

Oh. So I'll-- I'll leave a note.

Aw! That's so sweet of you.

You are like a prince in a boxy hemp sweater.

And you are a beautiful princess in a... (Giggling)


Wow. Hmm?

Oh, yeah. That's new.

That's my dad's pride and joy. (Giggles)

What a majestic creature.

Yeah, I know.

(Packaging rustles)

Apparently its name is Ed.

So yesterday I'm his little Basque brother, And now he'll barely even speak to me.

Well, did you ask what's wrong?

I was too scared.

Did you ask my dad to talk to him?

I was too embarrassed.

Whoa, you sound like a real go-getter over there, Kyle.

Eve, stop making fun of my boyfriend.

Hey, babe, why do you smell so salty?

All right, here we go.

According to local history, the Ostolazas Have been mortal enemies of the Alzates For nearly 200 years. Really? Why?

Well, let's see. Apparently an Ostolaza stole a pig Which belonged to an Alzate, Which led to a house burning, Then a murder.

And then another murder.

Lots of murder.

Okay. All right. I get it, But why is Mr. Alzate mad at me?

I didn't even know I was Basque until two days ago.

He's very into his heritage, Kyle.

It's a part of his code of honor.

(Scoffs) Honor.

Honor is what starts these feuds.

If there was no honor, the world would be a much better place.

I-I don't think that's right.

Oh, hey, Mandy. We heard.

We're really sorry about what happened with Terrence.

Yeah. We were really looking forward to meeting him.

Whatever. You two don't care.

You're like Romeo and Juliet's ugly stepsisters.

No, I don't think that's right, either.

You missed dinner. What happened?

I was with Terrence.

Well, Mandy, you know the rules.

You're supposed to call. (Dishes clatter)

Terrence says society has too many rules.


All right, look, Mandy, I-I know you really like this boy.

No, I don't like him. I love him.

Okay. All right, you know what?

Just, um, let's-- let's put a pin in that. Um...

(Sighs) Look, he-- he's handsome and rebellious And he knows how to give it to "the man."

But, Mandy, trust me, In a few weeks, a-a guy like that, He's just gonna leave you standing alone in the rain Outside of a Yes concert Because some woman named Meredith Had hydroponic plants to show him in her van!


I don't understand anything you just said.


(Mike) Mandy, come in here a minute, please.

Listen, if you're gonna miss dinner, you gotta call.

I was with Terrence, who you never gave a chance to.

(Stomps foot) Whom. A chance was not given.

Because he has the manners of a dingo.

That is an outrageous thing to say. And what is a dingo?

Never mind.

If you're gonna be late, you've got to call.

You know what, dad? You're all wrong about Terrence. Yeah?

He's actually very open-minded.

In fact, he asked me to take him to outdoor man.

He wanted to come apologize to you.

When did you guys go to outdoor man?

Mm, right before closing.

And he stayed behind to leave you a note.

You didn't leave together?

No. I had a nail appointment.

Oh. Get in the truck. Why?

I got a very bad feeling about this.

(Door opens)

(Switch clicks)

Oh, man!

Look what he did to this thing.

(Paper rustles)

"Phart was here"?

The "h" is silent.

I don't understand. Why would Terrence do this?

So they can post pictures of this on the lnternet.

He pretended he was coming here for me.

He said I was the most important thing in his world.

How could I have been so wrong about someone?

You have very low standards, honey.

Dad, I'm sorry he painted your bear.

Sorry your boyfriend defaced a piece of American history.

I mean, presidents would shoot stuff like this.

Now what do they do? They chase turkeys Around the white house garden.

Come here, little guy. Come on.

I'm an idiot.

No. No, you're not. No, you're not.

Yeah. Oh, come on.

You didn't mean for this to happen.

Come here, baby. Listen. Listen.

I know you feel bad. It's okay.

I hate him, dad.

Let it out.

I want to saw his legs off and make him eat them.

Ease it back a little bit.

(Sniffles and sighs)

What'd you see in this guy?

I don't know.

He's passionate, confident.

He yells a lot.

For some reason, it just felt familiar.

God, I just wish there was some way to teach that jerk a lesson.

Me, too. Wait a minute.

Maybe there is. What do you mean?

We came by the loading dock. That door was shut.


I unlocked the front door. The alarm wasn't tripped.

This paint is still wet.

Wait, so... (Sighs)

He's still in here.

(Whispering) Dad, do you think he's up here?

(Whispering) We've checked everywhere else.

Just be really quiet. See if you can hear something.

Okay. (Cell phone rings)

(Whispering) what? What? What?

Yeah, oh, hey, honey, it's me.

Listen, I was thinking about Terrence.

There was something really creepy about that kid.

I-I don't think we should let Mandy see him anymore.

I think you're a tad late.

"It's her... Sad fate"?

No, no, no, no.

You're a tad late.

Bad bait?

I can't talk now.

(Cell phone beeps)

(Cell phone ringtone playing)


(Whispering) Hello?

Honey, is your father drunk? What the hell--

Is that your mom?

Honey! (Snaps shut)

(Telephone rings) oh! For God sakes!

We'll be home soon. Bye!


(Lowered voice) check downstairs.

(Whispering) What? We just looked there.

Check one more time.

Look at the bottom of the stairs.


Oh, Terrence?

I can hear you.

I'm gonna count to ten, you're gonna come out, Because, trust me, you do not want me coming and getting you.


(Frightened voice) I'm here!

Go ahead and call the police. My dad will just pay the fine.

I'm not calling the police.

(Switch clicks)

Then can I?

Listen, Terrence, you can come by my house and be rude.

I can handle that.

You can come by my office and desecrate this place, And I can handle that.

Hurt my kid, I can't handle that.

Yeah, well, you hurt that bear when you killed it.

I didn't hurt that bear!

Teddy Roosevelt shot that bear in 1895.

Yeah, well, see... I didn't know that.

Did you ever have feelings for my daughter, Or was it all about that?

Yes. I liked her, But then I found out who you were, and I had to strike...

For the cause.



How's that cause feel right about now?

Still passionate...



What are you gonna do to me?

So many options.

Aha! T-h-a-n-g.


(Clicks tongue) "thang" is not a word.

Yeah-huh. "Ain't nothin' but a thang."

Just because you say it doesn't make it a word.

So look it up.

Where's the dictionary?


Fine, it's a word.




So man sandals vandalized the store?

(Door closes)


Oh, Mandy, honey, are you okay?

No. I was in love, and I got dumped Outside in the rain at a Yes concert.


That guy really did a number on you, didn't he?

So, dad, did you call the police?

Justice will be served.

What do you mean?


Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

My buddy back here-- 800-pound grizzly bear, Shot by Teddy Roosevelt.

Pretty impressive. Stop on down.

You can take a look at it in person.

And while you're here, you can actually meet Teddy Roosevelt.

Turns out he's not only not dead, He's a lot younger than he used to be.

Teddy, come on in.

Not only was I a great president, But I also created our country's first national parks.

How much longer do I have to keep doing this?

Till the bear says you can stop.

The bear can't talk.

There you go.

(Lock clicks)

(Sighs) Hi, Mr. Alzate.

Kyle... Listen...

About yesterday--

Uh. The Ostolazas and the Alzates--

Mortal enemies.

Started with the pig. I know all about it.

See, I was raised to hate the Ostolazas, Even before I s s old enough to understand why.

See, it's like a reflex, like sneezing Or sleeping with a beautiful woman.

Now I know it's not your fault, So I'm gonna try to get over it, all right?

Or... We could finally end the feud.

Follow me.


I hope your ancestors will be appeased.

Ohh! Kyle. Come here, baby. Come--

(Squealing loudly)


I'm deeply moved, Kyle.

As much as revenge is part of Basque culture, So is forgiveness.

All right.

(Squealing) okay.

So... The slate is clean.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you.

My pleasure. Sure.

And now... Let's eat. (Blade zings)



I'm joking! Joking!