01x24 - Found Money

Hey, great promotion, Mike.

Let Outdoor Man crush your old boat and get a $1,000 credit toward your new one.

Yeah. The only thing better than selling boats is watching one being crushed by a 16-ton killing machine. (Laughs)

(Roaring and rattling)

(Crowd cheering)

(Crowd applauding and whooping)

Man, that tank is crazy cool.

I love tanks. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a tank commander.

Is that why you're always in a bad mood?

Partially.

Do you know what would be funny? If one of you guys bought it.

Don't be ridiculous, Kyle. Who'd buy a tank?

I did.

Seriously? That? It's yours?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

You can't drive it on city streets, and you'd need to--

To rent a space in a hangar to-- to store it, and--

Very good points. On the other hand, it is a freakin' tank. (Laughs)

Okay, great. We'll see you then.

(Cell phone beeps)

(Chuckles) Evie, set another place at the table.

Your aunt April's coming in from Boulder.

Yay!

Does dad know?

What kind of question is that? He loves your aunt April.

He calls her "The Devil's Party Guest."

I love Aunt April.

She's proof that you can grow up and still be fun.

I'm still fun!

Okay.

Hi.

Bonjour.

(Chuckles)

How was your day?

(Chuckles) Great. Actually a great day. Hey.

Mm.

Aunt April's coming over.

There's only one reason why Aunt April comes here from the People's Republic of Boulder.

Mike.

I'm sorry, but she just comes here to borrow money.

It's embarrassing.

(Doorbell rings repeatedly) Oh!

(Ringing continues) Even her doorbell ring sounds like it needs money.

(Singsongy) I let myself in! (Screams)

Girls!

Hi!

Oh, and more girls! (Both, flatly) - Hi.

(Makes kissing sounds) And my favorite girl!

Oh, ho, ho! (Laughs)

And where's the boy?

Here we go. Hi.

There he is!

Aah!

Let me go! (Chuckles)

Oh, my sides are splitting.

It's funny every time.

Ohh... ohh.

Mike, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm great.

Whenever I see you, you look stressed.

You know...

You know what you need?

Magnetic rocks!

They will just suck the toxins right out of you.

You know, I actually like my toxins.

Like a good cheese-- It's what binds me together.

Oh, my God, Aunt April, I love your shoes!

Aren't they-- - I've seen them on two of the real housewives!

Aren't they great? I just bought 'em.

We just bought them.

Okay.

How are you guys doing?

We're good. And Boyd is great.

(Chuckling) Actually, it's a really funny story.

So--

My life's a mess! Aunt April, you're kind of an expert on dating, right?

I know my way around a cruise ship, if that's what you're asking.

See, there's this-- There's this new guy at my coffee shop, but he doesn't seem to know I'm alive.

Ohh. Get his number.

Okay.

And then call and call and call and call.

Yeah, men need to know that you're not going anywhere.

It's the key to a healthy relationship.

Hmm. I feel like it's not.

Well, April, we're all richer for your advice.

And only for your advice.

Ooh! Hey! That reminds me!

(Singsongy) Ta-da!

What's this?

Just a little something I owe you.

I'm repaying your loan.

(Clicks tongue) Thank you. (Chuckles)

Well, this certainly isn't "money down a rat hole."

(Kyle) - Hey. (Kristin) - Hi.

You ready?

Uh, for what?

Our date.

I got us tickets to that band I was telling you about--

Crouch Potato.

Apparently it started as a typo, and...

(Makes whooshing sound)

I'm so sorry. I totally forgot, and I have three more chapters to outline.

You know what? That's cool.

They're not that great, anyways.

And people throw potatoes at them. It's kinda dangerous.

What are you studying?

Oh. Um, cell division.

Actually, there's all of these really amazing new theories about how stem cells work.

Oh. Right on.

Yeah. (Chuckles) Okay, so...

There are these proteins that actually boost the immunity of host cells against...

(Thinking) Why would she think this would interest me?

(Speaking indistinctly)

I mean, she is awesome, but I feel like we're drifting apart.

So...

How was your day?

It was good. (Chuckles)

Today we got in a shipment of 3D boat radar, and me and the guys... (Thinking, scoffs) - He's a great guy, and he means well, but I don't think he listens to me anymore.

(Speaking inaudibly)

In fairness, I'm not listening to him either.

...but it didn't matter, because this thing runs on a 900-megahertz signal that can pinpoint a channel marker at 24 nautical miles.

(Thinking) I sort of think we should break up, but...

Oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

After that, we spent the rest of our lunch break playing hide-and-seek in the warehouse.

That's pretty cool, huh?

Hmm?

Wha-- Oh, yeah.

(Chuckling) Yeah. Yeah.

Um, actually, my professor said something really interesting today. Um--

I think we should break up, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

What?

That was supposed to be a thought.

You know, it occurs to me that someone still owes me an apology.

Well, I'm sorry...

You feel you need an apology.

Because you ain't gettin' one.

Yeah, you just can't deal with the fact that my sister paid us back.

From what bank, the bank of wishful thinking?

It's a cashier's check from Boulder National.

You can look for yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

$3,000?

Mm-hmm.

Apology accepted.

You loaned her 3 grand?

Yeah. That's a chunk of it.

A chunk of it?!

How much money did you loan her?

You know what? Let's just focus on the apology and the check.

I'm way past that.

I can't believe you loaned her this much money.

You didn't ask me.

Well, it was in dribs and drabs--

A hundred here, a few hundred there.

It's-- it's not like I handed her a lump sum.

This is a pretty big lump.

I was okay paying for her dental hygienist school.

That turned out to be a bust.

How could we know that tongues would gross her out?

I also paid for court reporter school, which she just used to meet attorneys, right?

Well, some of whom were very nice. Remember Neil?

I remember he was married.

We have to be smarter with the money, especially when it comes to April.

(Knock on door) Yeah?

Hey, dad, there's a guy on the phone.

He wants to know where you want him to deliver your tank.

Just a sec.

I bought a tank.

I told you, remember?

(Telephone beeps)

You bought a what?

I bought a tank!

A fish tank? A-a-a gas tank?

A tank top? Wh-what...

No, a British Army tank.

Actually, it's a self-propelled howitzer.

It's great! I got the specs, you wanna see?

I don't want to see the specs! Who cares about the specs?

You know I've been wanting to buy a tank forever.

Yeah, but I-I didn't-- I didn't think you were serious.

That's why I laughed. Laughed.

How come you're not laughing now?

Yeah, but what-- what-- what--

What, are you gonna drive a tank around town?

Don't be silly. You can't drive tanks around town.

They don't have turn indicators.

Well, great, great. So you're-- you're just gonna park it in our driveway like an eyesore?

You know, I wanted to plant azaleas, and you were so against it, because you thought they would make our yard look "too busy."

I'm not gonna park it here.

You can't park military equipment in suburban places.

I got a warehouse for it.

Basically, you have bought the world's largest paperweight.

That can crush boats.

(Switch clicks)

And y-you had-- You had the nerve to give me grief about loaning my sister money?

Listen, if we had the money that you loaned your sister, I could have bought the tank and an armored personnel carrier.

No, no. That's not true.

Listen, this is a tangible item.

You can touch it. You can feel it. (Sighs)

You can drive it with your shirt off, pretend you're chasing Rommel across North Africa.

How much did it cost?

If you go by the pound, it's less than cereal.

(Switch clicks)

(Groans and sighs) Mike, just...

That was my money, too.

Well...

"Well..."?

You make money...

Yeah.

And I make money. (Gasps)

What?! Wha-- What are you saying?

Now let's not--

I don't want to argue about money.

I don't want to argue about money, either.

Let's not argue-- let's not argue about--

What are you talking about?

All right, stop for a minute, stop for a minute.

Let's say I was paid in kidney beans.

Yeah.

I would need a significantly larger jar to hold my beans.

And around here at Baxter International Bean Sales, I hold 70% of the assets.

(Switch clicks)

You know what else you're gonna be holdin'?

(Blows raspberry)

It always comes back to that!


Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

I've got a great promotion for you.

For the next 500 customers that come into Outdoor Man, you get a free rod and reel and all the ammo you can carry.

Huh? The big news is--

We're not doing that. That would be stupid!

You can't give away free stuff.

Free stuff?

Whoever said, "The best things in life are free" needs a head examination.

I'll give you an example.

You put a deer feeder near your cabin, and pretty soon, the deer--

They don't know how to get their own food!

Why would they get their own food if they're just gonna stick their hooves up at my house--

"Where's the food?!"

In an effort to get them back on track, I removed the deer feeder.

Did they appreciate that? Oh, I don't think so.

Have you ever seen a deer spit at you?

Well, that's what happened to me.

I go out there, they're all unwashed, pooping all over the-- The lawn there, carrying big signs-- "Occupy Denver."

And that's hard to do, 'cause they're--

They don't have opposable thumbs.

And for the rest of you, bring your dough--

And your bucks--

And come down to Outdoor Man.

It's our bass fishin' boat sale.

See you later. Buh-bye.

(Door opens)

What are you doing here?

Sorry. I just needed a place to think.

Hmm. All right. Sit. Sit down.

So... (Clearing throat) What's up?

Well, Kristin and I sort of ended things.

Oh.

You poor kid.

Well, we both knew she was out of your league, so...

No, it was pretty mutual.

Ah.

But way to pile on. (Chuckles)

Okay. Come on.

If it was mutual, what's the problem?

I don't know how to tell Mr. B.

Do you think he'll be mad?

Look, one thing I've learned from working with Mike Baxter--

Expect the unexpected.

I'm just nervous. I don't want to disappoint him.

Yeah, well, prepare for the un-preparable.

Do you know I'm the first boyfriend they've ever invited over for Christmas dinner?

Mm-hmm. Kyle, you have to tell the truth to Mike.

Yeah, even if you suffer for it.

I guess.

Yeah.

And follow this simple advice--

Anticipate the un-anticipatable.

Well, that is simple.

And I'm not sure that's advice.

Hey, where's your mom?

She's not back from work yet.

Yeah.

Ohh. She works too hard. She always did.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Uh... a good lesson?

So... Yeah.

What's happening with coffee boy?

Have you trapped him yet?

Almost. We are going on our first date tonight.

(Both squeal and laugh)

Okay, quick tip--

If he is quiet for even a second...

Ask him what's wrong.

And try to hug him while he's driving.

Men love that!

Hey, ladies! I--

Hey, sis! Hey!

Hi!

Girls, you will never have a better friend than your own sister.

(Clicks tongue)

Why do I feel like you just put a curse on me?

So...

What are you doing here the second time in a week?

(Speaks indistinctly) Can't I just miss my big sis?

Not when I just saw you two days ago.

Oh, please tell me you're here to give me more money.

Kind of.

But like the opposite of that.

What-- what-- What happened?

Oh, nothing happened.

I just had this great opportunity to invest in a new startup business.

Oh, honey, I don't know. I don't--

I just-- I don't think it's a good time for us to be loaning you money.

But it's not that much!

It's barely more than I just paid you back, so it's kind of like you're breaking even.

I-I'm not seeing it that way.

Okay, well, hear the idea.

All right.

All right?

Go ahead. Yeah.

It's a laundromat and a breakfast joint, and they're gonna call it Wash and Nosh.

Okay.

Right? So you do your own laundry...

And then you eat between cycles.

Okay, listen. When I first heard it, I was like, "that's crazy."

Yeah.

But then...

I remembered all the times I'm doing laundry, and I'm like, "I'm hungry."

You know, April, I just-- I'm not--

(gasps) You know what? I get hungry then, too.

Right? And then if you spill something...

Right, well, you just put it in the machine.

Yeah!

Wow. (Shrieks)

Yeah, you know, it does-- it kinda makes sense.

(Gasps) But--

Yay!

Oh!

Pretty good, huh?

Wash and Nosh?

Yeah, or Nosh and Wash. You know, customer's choice.

(Chuckles) That-- that-- that's, uh, how great the idea is.

But even after our discussion last night, you still want to loan her money?

April's my sister.

That would be the answer to the question, "how do you know April?"

I know. I know. I just-- Every time I took at her, I just see this 6-year-old kid that I helped raise, and I--

I guess I just... I can't shake the feeling.

I know, but it's not doing her any good.

She needs me.

Would you do this for our kids?

I mean, would you do their homework for 'em?

No. No.

I mean, do we pick up the room and wash their clothes?

Well, you don't.

You know how upset you get when we go to the science fair, and the other parents do the work for the kids?

(Chuckles) Oh, yeah.

An 11-year-old kid can't even tie his own shoelaces, but he can make an exact replica of the Tesla coil.

(Inhales and groans)

Okay. Okay. All right, well... (Slaps thighs)

I will get the money back from her.

This is the least satisfying argument I've ever won.

(Knock on wall)

Mike, I'm gonna apologize in advance if the tank smells like limburger cheese.

I got it as a gift.

Why don't you just eat it in your office?

What, and stink up my office? What--

What's wrong, Mike?

You look a little down.

(Mouth full) Vanessa's really upset about her sister.

But I know I'm doing the right thing.

Well, then what's the problem?

I don't like it when my wife is upset.

(Crunching)

One thing that four divorces has taught me--

Other than the value of a pre-nup--

In a relationship, doing the right thing doesn't always make it right. Hmm?

Okay.

(Knock on wall) Jeez, this place is like a train station.

I know you're busy, but could I have a moment?

All right.

It's about my relationship with Kristin.

Not now.

What if I promise to use a sports analogy?

Got a minute.

Mr. Baxter, knowing Kristin has been one of the greatest things in my life.

Sports!

Okay, it's the ultimate frisbee championship--

I said sports!

Uh, yeah, it's the ultimate football championships.

And it's halftime, and we're down by 14, and I think it's time we change up the game.

Are you asking permission to marry my daughter?

Mm, no, sir.

I'm asking permission to break up with her.

Really?

It's not you, it's us. I swear.

What the hell are you talking about?

I know you might be mad or hurt, uh, but we're just drifting apart... (Mutters)

She and I. Not you and I. We're good.

I mean, I feel like in some ways we're better than ever.

Okay.

Is-- is Kristin all right with this?

Yeah. It was mutual.

Well, listen. (Sets down picture)

As long as you treat my daughter with respect, your love life is really none of my business.

Thank you. That's a relief. (Picture rustling)

It's hard, because...

I really loved being a part of your family.

Hey, Kyle, Kyle.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

Just 'cause you're breaking up with my kid doesn't mean you can't be friends with my family.

You could come by, have dinner if you want.

Thank you.

Clean the gutters.

I mean, the right way. You want to push all that debris away from that opening at the end of it.

Okay.

Hey, V.

Hey, honey. Look.

(Door closes)

What do we got here?

It's a check for the rest of what April owes us.

Wow. (Laughs) Wow!

Hey, babe, I know this is hard on you, but this is the right thing to do.

I know, I know. (Sighs)

That doesn't mean she's out of our lives, right?

She'll always have a warm meal and a roof over her head.

I'm glad, honey.

Ye--

Hey!

You were so right!

That guest bed is incredibly comfortable!

You bought a tank!

It may not be practical, but it sure is lovely.

Oh, the perfect fighting machine.

You gotta respect the science and engineering that goes into this baby.

Yeah. "Respect." That's the word.

Yep.

Let me ask you a question.

Hmm?

If I could pack this barrel with dog poop, and get it in the general direction of Ted's tackle box, how hard would you laugh?

Y-you can't do that. I mean... (Chuckles)

He would file a complaint. He might even sue.

You're right.

Yeah.

You're right.

But it would wipe the smile off his fat, smug face.

Where's the nearest dog park?

I'll get a trash bag.