02x02 - Dodgeball Club

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad. How 'bout them Broncos, huh?

You think they'll be able to accumulate enough touchdowns in order to win the football tournament?

Mandy, why are you pretending to like football?

You scalped your ticket to last year's home playoff game.

Yeah, and the rest of the family had to sit next to a profanity-spewing loudmouth.

I didn't like the seat I was in!

Okay, so I don't really like football, but I do like our new quarterback--Greg Archer.

Dad, he's so gorg, it's ridic!

In this country, we still speak English.

For now.

Hey, Evie, um, teach me some, like, fancy football words so I can impress him.

Okay.

Uh, a Hail Mary is an impossible long sh*t.

Oh.

Like you dating an all-state quarterback.

(Water runs)

You must be happy Mandy's taking an interest in football.

Oh, I'm so hap, it's ridic.

Grandpa! (Vanessa) Ahh!

Is that the sound of love? I can hear it.

Look at that. Look at this! Look at this!

Hey, I made some Jell-o for you and I put meat in it.

What, no hug for his dad?

No. Last time you hugged someone around here, we had Boyd.

(Mouth full) What is this, Ryan?

Oh, it's a notice from Boyd's school.

I guess the kids will no longer be allowed to play dodgeball at recess.

Oh.

Some parent wrote a letter complaining.

Some busybody mom.

This--this is what happens when parents get involved in the school.

They're probably right, though.

I mean, dodgeball can be a really rough game.

Especially if you're the first girl in school with boobs, and the boys just keep throwing balls at you to watch them bounce.

On behalf of all men, I'm sorry.

Hey, Delilah, you don't speak for all men.

This is crazy.

Kids gotta know how to play dodgeball.

Who's gonna protect us when the Chinese att*ck?

And it's gonna happen.

You know, they soften us up with lead-based paints for the toys.

Next thing you know, gate's open, the hordes come in.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. So your homeland defense plan is a line of children with red rubber balls?

The transition from throwing balls to fragmentation grenades is seamless.

Hey, Ryan, why do you suppose they're complaining about dodgeball all of a sudden?

Kids get hurt playing dodgeball.

Come on, not when their fastballs top out at 3 miles an hour.

I don't know.

(Chuckles) H-hey. Hey.

Hey...

Please tell me you're not the busybody mom that did this.

Dodgeball simulates w*r, man.

It encourages the strong to victimize the weak.

It hurts people's feelings.

Well, not as much as w*r.

Look, I'm not gonna get into a big debate with you...

There's no debate here. Whatever you want to do.

Over the virtues of teaching kids how to hurt each other.

Hurt each other?

Boyd is my son 24 hours a day--

He wasn't for a year when you ran away.

Not just at my place. And I'm putting my foot down.

Okay, put your foot down.

I make the rules.

All right, okay.

And then, when I make a rule, I check with his mom, to make sure that she authorizes that rule.

All right.

And which of your many rules are we talking about now?

You know, that thing I was trying to get banned at Boyd's school.

Soda machines?

Mnh-mnh.

Pledge of allegiance?

No.

Pizza?

Closer.

Dodgeball?

Dodgeball.

See? We're on the same page.

Yeah, Ryan and I feel that too much competition is bad for little kids.

For uncoordinated kids, maybe.

What are they supposed to do?

Actually, Boyd's teacher plays this really sweet version of musical chairs where there are enough chairs for all the kids to sit in when the music stops.

You're kidding.

That's--that's not musical chairs.

That's just walking around in a circle and sitting down.

That's just practice for getting to be 90.

H-how do the kids know if they win or lose at that?

Every child is a winner, Mike.

I forgot.

Life is just one big participation trophy.

You just show up, you're a winner!

Well, it's true.

It's not true.

Just by being born, you've won the lottery.

How's that?

Look at the odds.

In the average male emission, there are 300 million spermatozoa.

I'm gonna have to take your word for that, I really am.

Look, under no circumstances is Boyd participating in an activity as savage as dodgeball.

Got it.

End of story.

That's not the end of the story.

End of the story is the Chinese planting their flag in the white house.

Tell Boyd I'll pick him up tomorrow, after yoga.

Mmm.

Hey, hey, hey, Kristin, I got an idea.

Why don't I pay for another paternity test?

You never know. Maybe we'll get results I like.

Okay. Maybe Ryan and I didn't work out, but he's still Boyd's father, and I have to take his feelings into account.

Oh, he's got a lot of feelings. I bet he puts them down in a little pink book with a butterfly on it.

Dad, will--will you just try and get along with Ryan?

Okay? I want him around for Boyd, even if he is a little overprotective.

Ooh! Now we talk about protection!

Hey, Kyle.

Hmm?

You ever play dodgeball when you were a kid?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It was great. Wasn't it?

Except I didn't like the "getting hit by the ball" part.

Or the "hitting the other kids with the ball" part.

There are no other parts.

Yeah. I guess it wasn't that great.

Coffee, Ed?

No, thanks, Kyle.

I have to get out to the chopper.

Mike, they located that kid that got lost on Mount Evans.

Thank God.

Yeah.

How long have you been volunteering with the Search and Rescue Rangers?

What was your first mission, Ed?

You were searching the desert, remember?

For Moses and the lsraelites.

Yeah. And today I'm on the rope.

Which means I have to rappel down, tramp through the bramble, and haul that frightened little snot-nosed moron up to safety.

Well, he'll be staring into the face of love.

No, offense, but aren't you a little old to be jumping out of helicopters?

Come on. Look at him.

How many years is he really risking?

Kyle, me and the guys are never gonna retire.

You know why? Because every time we bring in some young blood, we find that your generation can't hack it.

And they never will.

We're on a downward wimp spiral with men.

My grandson's got so many rules--

Can't throw a ball.

Right.

Can't throw a stick.

Yeah.

Can't drink stuff you find in the garage.

That's how I saw my first flying lizard.

Hey, I can hack it.

Take me along on the search and rescue.

Whoo! Good luck, Eddie. no, no, no, Kyle.

I don't want to have to haul up two snot-nosed morons up that rope.

Please. I'm tougher than I look.

(Sips and chokes)

That is some strong chamomile.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Dad.

Celery--completely useless, except when used as a peanut butter delivery system.

They're for Boyd and his friends.

Wild pack of boys.

(Cowboy accent) About time we had some mayhem around here!

(Laughs)

(Cartoon playing on TV)

Yeah. Mayhem!

Okay, boys, do what Eve says.

Their folks should be over in about an hour.

No worries. This is pay-per-view.

They view, and I get paid.

(Cowboy accent) All right!

I've been waitin' for the day when we got more men in this house than women.

Come on! Hyah! (Snapping fingers)

Come on, now, let's do something!

(Laughs)

Yo!

(Normal voice) Come on! Let's do something!

What's the deal?

You think I'd agree to watch them if they ever moved?

They're moving now.

TV's off. Done, done, done.

Grandpa!

You know what we're gonna do?

Listen up. We're going to a magic place.

It's called outside!

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna play dodgeball. Come on. Get up.

Get your pre-diabetic bodies and move. Let's go!

Let's get some movement! Move, move! Come on! (Claps hands)

All right. Boyd, you're gonna be team Captain.

Gotta pick a partner.

Picking teams hurts people's feelings.

(Laughing) You bet it does.

And it just makes them try harder.

And then they work harder. Next thing you know, America has built an economic engine never before seen in history!

All right.

Boyd, you and Spence on one team.

Four-eyes, you and freckles over here. Over here.

All right, Eve, break it down for 'em.

All right, listen up! (Blows whistle)

First rule of dodgeball club-- no one talks about dodgeball club.

First rule--no one talks about it.

Second rule--

No head sh*ts. Okay?

Hit someone above the shoulders, you're out.

But I'm gonna lie to you, it's totally worth it.

We get to play dodgeball? Isn't that against the rules?

My beach, my ocean.

Around here, we do what we want.

And I say... (Chuckles)

Take the ball and whip it good.

Stop!

You could hurt yourself worse walking around in a circle and just sitting down!

Eve, show them how to throw that ball.

You want your opponent to know he's been hit.

Mm-hmm.

Like this. Boo-yah!

Yeah!

Huh?

It's your turn, kid. Let's go.

Legs into it. Let's go.

Ready? Play!

(Blows whistle)

(Ball thwacks loudly)

Ow!

(Laughs) Well, that had to hurt, huh?

(Mike) Hey, sit down.

That's a head sh*t, fancy pants. You're out.

(Laughs) What'd I tell you? It's a rush, right?

Listen, Spence, there's two parts to dodgeball as a game.

First part is the ball, which you're...

(Laughing) Very familiar with right now, huh?

The dodge part, we gotta work on.

But the important thing right now is that when your mom gets here, this happened 'cause you ran into a door.

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Healthy competition.

It's frowned upon in certain parts of the world-- like North Korea, the teachers' union-- but not here at Outdoor Man.

We like healthy competition. We encourage it, actually.

We want you to catch the biggest fish.

And we don't care whose feelings get hurt.

But you know who does care about feelings in fishing?

Those people fishing over on the left side of the lake.

Yeah, you don't want to be catching a fish over there.

If it's a big one, they'll confiscate it from you.

They'll chop it up in little pieces and give it away to the people too lazy to learn how to fish.

You know what? If you keep giving people fish, they're gonna keep eating it.

You know what they won't do? Is learn how to fish.

Hello, Mike.

Oh, congratulations finding that boy.

You guys were on the 5:00 news last night.

Ohh. Who can stay up that late?

So how'd Kyle do?

Oh, that was a terrible idea, Mike.

What?!

What, did he slow you down?

(Chuckles) He wouldn't stop.

He went down the rope a second time just to get the kid's hat.

Maybe he thought it was another kid stuck in the snow.

Kyle's a natural.

I mean, I vastly prefer making fun of the younger generation than getting my butt kicked by them.

Hey. There he is-- the amazing Spider-man.

(Chuckles) Well, you're a little late, son.

You have trouble getting out of bed this morning?

No. I've already cleaned the loading dock.

I've never felt so alive.

How you feeling?

Oh! Like a million bucks.

(Laughs) Great.

Ahh. (Laughing)

(Laughing)

(Groans) Like a million bucks are driving their antlers into my back.

(Groans)

Hey.

Hey.

How'd it go with Greg Archer?

Did you use any of the football terms I taught you?

Ah, I tried, and I totally choked.

But, um, it turns out there's something he likes even more than talking about football.

Ew!

Yeah. Actually, it turns out he doesn't even really like talking that much.

So we didn't talk...

(Singsongy) For a long time!

(Clicks tongue) The age-old story-- boy meets girl, boy makes out with girl, girl tells sister, and sister wants her two minutes back.

(Deep voice) Well, the last time I saw that monkey, he was trying to shove the cork back in.

So, okay. (Normal voice) What a crowd.

Why do we have such a big crowd?

Yeah, someone did a terrible job with the first rule of dodgeball club, huh?

Spence?

All right, let's play.

All right, everyone line up! Let's go!

All right, Boyd, show us what you can do, buddy.

Ready? Play! (Blows whistle)

(Grunting)

So when Kristin and Ryan said "no dodgeball," you heard that as "dodgeball"?

I can't believe it, either. I was outvoted 2-to-1.

Oh, no. Honey, no. It's not 2-to-1, it's 2-to-0.

As grandparents, we're like people in Pennsylvania without driver's licenses. You don't get a vote.

Are you really comfortable with people voting that can't even drive a car?

Face it, Mike-- you have no say.

Look, I pay for everything around here.

That's like taxation without representation.

Come on, you have to respect Kristin and Ryan's parenting decisions, that's all.

I will whenever they make a good one.

Look, you gave me three girls. I love them...

(Children shouting playfully)

But now I get a chance to raise a boy, and you want me to let his dad turn him into a girl?

(Ball bouncing)

Yeah, just so you know, uh, sex is determined by the male.

If that were the case, we'd be doing it right now.

(Ball thwacks)

(Boyd) Ow!

Oh, honey. Come here.

First one out-- just like his dad.

Ohh!

Come on, champ, we'll get 'em next time, okay?

First one out again.

(Ball thwacks)

Well, at least you had your hands up this time.

(Ball thwacks) You like getting hit with the ball?!

I suck at this.

Hey, watch your tongue.

Yeah, it sounds like dodgeball's not the only thing you're teaching him.

I can't see this any more.

He's toast, Dad.

Maybe we should just cut our losses.

Eve! Listen...

I think you're really doing good out there.

I really do.

What game are you watching?

(Chuckles)

Winning and losing are part of the game.

You got the losing down. Doesn't feel so good.

I say we concentrate on winning.

That means you gotta dodge that ball.

If everything else fails, just use Spence as a human shield.

Okay, game on! Everyone line up!

Ready? Play! (Blows whistle)

(Children shouting playfully)

Boyd?

Hey, Dad!

Look out!

Hey, don't look at me.

These kids just wandered in here from the cornfields.

Okay, guys, movie time! (Claps hands)

Popsicle, Popsicle, Popsicle...

Ooh. Just hold that on your face for a few minutes.

I ran into a door.

How could you defy me like that?

I didn't defy you.

I just ignored you.

Ryan, you know what? You're culpable here, too.

What do you mean? All I did was tell Mike he couldn't do it.

Exactly. You might as well have put the dodgeball right in his hands.

I can't believe I had to walk in here and see my kid catch the ball with his face.

Look on the bright side. He's definitely your kid.

How are you still defending this? Boyd got hurt.

He'll be fine. He got hit in the face with a dodgeball.

Come on! He'll get better next time.

If you don't give a kid a chance to get better at stuff, he's just stuck being a loser, just like...

Other people that are losers.

Well, there's not gonna be a next time, because he's not playing any more.

Very adult. Very adult.

It's not every day you get a text that says, "dodgeball club at your house" with seven exclamation points.

You called her home from work for this?

Dad, I thought we talked about respecting our wishes.

If we tell Boyd something and you undermine us, he's never gonna listen to anything we say.

Really? Let me put your mind at ease.

I've raised three kids.

They never listen to what you say. All right?

Case in point-- remember the birth control conversation we had?

It's sitting out there with a little Popsicle against its cheek.

What you did is so not cool!

So not cool.

I mean, where do you get off--

Where, indeed!

I got this!

She's got this.

Well, he's gone. Now you can be honest.

Yeah, he's gone. And the last time he was gone, it took him two years to find his way back.

Perfect opportunity to change your name and move out of the state.

I want my son to grow up with his father in his life.

If you keep being mean to Ryan, it'll give him an excuse to--to leave for good.

Just how mean would I have to be? (Laughs)

Dad, I love you.

Now butt the hell out of raising my kid.

Ahh. A friendly face.

You're a dumb-ass.

Saying such unfriendly things!

What's happening?

I'm babysitting.

Where's Boyd?

I don't know. I don't get paid for him.

Mom, you would look amazing in these flannel pajamas.

Wow. Hey... (Chuckles)

I mean, I don't know if I could pull it off as well as this 80-year-old woman.

(Ball bouncing)

What was that?

It's Boyd. He's been out there practicing for an hour.

You'd think getting hit in the head would have knocked some sense into him. (Chuckles)

Well, imagine that.

Working hard at something to get better at it.

Or telling him he can't do something makes him want to do it more.

Either way, he is definitely a Baxter.

(Speaks indistinctly)

(Ball bouncing)

He's, uh, losing to himself.

Listen, um...

I'll do better letting the parents do the parenting.

(Ball bouncing)

All right. Go whip a ball at my son.

I better call his dad and ask.

I'll handle Ryan.

I was being sarcastic.

(Claps hands) All right, Boyd, give me the ball.

I'm gonna take a sh*t at your head.

I mean, Dad's better than a wall, right?

Oh, and twice as stubborn.

(Ball thwacks)

(Boyd) Ow!

I-I gotta get a Popsicle.

I ran into a door.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Ed. How you doing?

I'm exhausted. We had a late-night rescue.

What does that mean--7:15?

(Groaning) I just can't keep up with Kyle.

I feel like I'm letting our generation down, Mike.

What do you mean, "our generation," white man?

You know, the old guard. Come on.

Kid's coming in.

Looks like he wants to do a little Greco-Roman wrestling.

Slip off your clothes. Get all oiled up.

99... 100.

All right. (Laughs) Yeah.

Okay. I think I'm gonna hit the weights now.

You are unbelievable, sir.

(Laughing)

So... what's up, buttercup?

I can't keep up with those crazy old dudes.

Do you think... Ed will be upset if I quit?

Wow, we're gonna miss you around here.

No, I mean, quit the Rangers.

Oh. No.

I mean, every muscle in my body aches.

Do you have any ibuprofen?

Do I look like a nurse to you?

Listen, I-I got an idea.

I could sh**t you with a tranquilizing dart.

Okay.

But this time, promise not to draw on my face?

You know, I can't keep that promise. (g*nsh*t)

(Groans)

(Exhales)