02x05 - Mother Fracker

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Kristin, we should totally go clubbing this weekend!

You are too young to go to bars, Mandy.

No. This is not about me.

It's about getting you out of those sweatpants.

Or at least getting someone else in 'em! What?!

(Laughs)

No, come on.

Boyd is gonna be with his dad all weekend.

It's perfect.

What's in it for you?

Quality time with my big sis...

Who can also pass as my legal guardian.

Mm.

People already think you're my mom!

Oh-ho-ho! In that case, you're grounded.

What?

Hey, I may be too young to drink in Colorado...

(Singsongy) but nothing forbids me from doing this!

Yeah!

Oh...

If--

Hey, stop!

No.

You do that in Utah, you're gonna go to jail.

Yes!

(Boyd) Mommy, hurry up!

Just a minute!

Boyd's still awake?

You started putting him to bed an hour ago.

Yeah, almost there. He likes his blankie nice and warm, so I heat it up for him in the dryer.

I used to heat my brother's blanket up in the dryer.

Yeah, the only problem was he was still holding it. (Chuckles)

Boyd's warm blankie is just one of our bedtime rituals.

We have bath time, story time, tickle time.

Yeah, your father and I have that, too. (Giggles)

(Eve, Kristin, and Mandy) Ew!

Dad, did you remember tomorrow's career day?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but I want you to tell your teacher I want to close the show this time.

I'm not opening up for that fireman.

Actually, Dad, my class loved your, um...

Crossbow demonstration.

Made Aaron Jahoobi pee himself. (Laughs) Ohh...

I put an apple on the kid's head, and for the record, had he not whizzed, I think I could have nailed it.

Hey, how come Mom has never spoken at one of our school career days?

Oh--

Yeah, that's a good question.

No, what I do isn't that interesting. It's...

Yeah, it is, too.

No-- you're a big sh*t geoscientist at Paxon Energy.

Oh... yeah.

In charge of seismic discovery of natural shale gas reservoirs.

It's... (Mutters)

(Chuckles and coughs) Nerd!

(Coughs) Nerd!

Dad, would you mind if I asked Mom to speak instead of you?

I think it's a great idea. It really is.

Besides, my speeches tend to be kind of informative.

Which gets me in trouble with the teachers' union.

Kids actually learning something. (Vanessa groans)

I'd love to, then.

(Laughs) Okay.

Maybe I could do a presentation on the role of shale gas in America's energy future.

Oh.

Yeah.

That'll be interesting.

You might want to go before the fireman.

The hydraulic mixture breaks apart the shale and releases the trapped gas.

(Boys laugh)

I-I knew that would get the boys' attention.

Your mom's pretty cool.

(Scoffs) Cool? She's freakin' awesome.

And one day... (Lowered voice) I'm gonna have a rack like that.

Thank you, Mrs. Baxter.

Are there any questions for our speaker?

Oh. Wow. Uh, uh, Marjorie. Hey.

Isn't that stuff you were talking about also called fracking?

Uh, yeah, yeah, but that term carries a negative connotation.

What about poisoning the ground water?

Is that a nicer way of saying it?

And it isn't even regulated by the government, right?

Well, no, that's not completely--

Hydraulic fracturing has been banned in several states.

Wow, it must be really bad.

No, the truth of the matter is--

I saw a documentary where this guy totally lit his tap water on fire!

And haven't studies shown that fracking sometimes leads to cancer?

Really? I need this from you, too?

Why does your mom hate the environment?

(Girl) Mrs. Baxter? (Boy) Mrs. Baxter?

(Girl) Mrs. Baxter? (Boy) Mrs. Baxter?

Mrs. Baxter? Mrs. Baxter?

So here are his clothes, his books, some toys, his favorite pillow, his blankie, and his backup blankie, of course.

You've seen my apartment, right?

There's not gonna be room for Boyd.

Water wings? For what, the bathtub?

Oh, my God, they are for the bathtub?

Promise me you will use them, and don't forget to warm up his blankie in the dryer and his backup blankie.

The instructions are all right here.

Kris, look, I know that it's hard for you to be away from him, but I promise I'll have him back here in one piece in three days.

Three days?

But Daddy's apartment smells weird.

When you said you bombed, you mean that, uh...

I mean... (Imitates hiss and splat)

Was that the sound of a b*mb?

'Cause you kinda bombed just doing a b*mb.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, my God! Everyone at school is talking about Mom.

Apparently she's on a one-woman crusade to destroy the planet?

That's not true. She's got a lot of people helping her. (Forced laugh)

Did they really say all that stuff to your face?

Oh, yeah, they said it to my face.

They yelled it at my car as I drove away.

They wrote it on the comment cards.

Wow.

Except for Dylan here.

He thinks I got "A bangin' pair of getaway sticks."

Hey.

Hello, Eve. Anything interesting happen at school today?

(Mouths words)

Yeah. I got a B-plus on my geometry test, grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and, uh, oh, yeah, all my friends hate Mom.

Come on, sweetie. I know peer pressure can be hard, but you just--you gotta learn to ignore your smart-aleck friends.

Why should I ignore them?

I think they're right. What you do is disgusting.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's your mom. Say you're sorry.

I'm sorry...

That what you do is so disgusting. (Mike) Eve!

Eve, honey, come on.

I've explained my job to you many times.

Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.

Honey, hydraulic fracturing is perfectly safe when it's done right, and I work hard every single day to make sure that it's done right.

Uh, I'm sorry, Mrs. B., but fracking is always potentially hazardous.

Well...

Look what Ralph Nader just horked up.

Carbon gases cause climate change.

The--the ice caps are melting, the polar bears are drowning.

Well, maybe those fat cr*cker bears should learn how to swim.

All I know is that actor Mark Ruffalo is against fracking, and people that hot don't lie.

Oh, my God. It's the guy that played the Hulk.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Maybe we should reserve judgment till we find out what Thor and Spider-man think.

Mom, if even half this stuff is true, you have to quit that job.

What? (Mike) Stop--all right, we're done.

The Sierra Club meeting is over, okay?

She works for an energy company.

They produce--what is it called? Energy.

The best way to get energy right now is oil, coal, and gas.

That's--

Right. And of those three, natural gas is the most environmentally friendly. (Mike) - Exactly.

I think the environment un-friended natural gas after it caused that earthquake in Dallas.

Okay, all right, so what are the alternatives?

Uh, what about solar?

Too expensive. (Mike) Mm-hmm.

Wind?

It kills birds, and not in the fun way.

What are we gonna do about it? No energy--how about that?

Let's just go off the grid.

I will. Who's with me?

I'm with the Hulk. Hulk's with Eve.

Okay, well, you won't need this anymore.

Um...

No, Dad, that doesn't use energy.

It runs on a battery.

You want to talk the talk, let's walk the walk.

Got a little breaker box...

(Switches click)

(Sighs)

Welcome to the 17th century, where a case of smallpox was actually good news.

Something happened to the TV!

Did we blow a fuse, or is Dad doing one of his nuclear disaster drills?

Dad's daring us to live off the grid.

Okay, I've had enough. That's it.

By the way, if Mark Ruffalo ever asks, I held out a lot longer.

So I wonder what happened to all those colorful cartoon characters...

Mmm. who are on TV.

Maybe they've gone away, and you'll never see them again.

I want my TV.

Ah, okay. Sorry. I'd love to play along, but I have a 5-year-old who likes his toys with batteries.

Then again, who doesn't?

(Switches click)

Way to stand up for your principles, people.

I-I think what you're doing is awful, Mom.

I don't even know how you sleep at night.

I'd rather live without power than be a part of it.

Eve, oh, come on. Come on!

I'm serious.

Let her go. Let her live outside.

I will, and I'm not coming back inside till Mom quits her job.

You're not coming back inside till you apologize to your mom for saying that.

Honey, why don't we just send her to her room?

Oh, with all that evil electricity? No way.

This is a classic case of nature versus nurture.

You just offended the nurturer.

Now you can live out here with Mother nature!

This is a bad idea, Mike...

Eve out there all alone in the wild.

She's not in the wild if her mom can see her looking through the bedroom window.

This is like when Kris ran away. Remember that?

She got to the end of the street, she turned around and ran right back home.

She shows no sign of ever leaving again.

We gotta let Eve sit out there and stew until she realizes she can't talk to you like that.

Oh, I just wish it was summer.

I want her to learn a lesson, but not if she's gonna lose a toe.

It's like we have our own little occupy protester out there.

Oh, now you ruined it for me!

(Mouths words)

Let's just get some sleep.

She'll be back in here before morning.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know my daughter.

And I hid one of her tent poles.

She'll get all upset, she tries to put that thing up.

What the...

What?!

She fashioned a perfect tent pole out of a pine branch.

Tomorrow I'm going out there.

I'm cutting all those trees down!

Good night, my little prince.

Sweet dreams.

Good night, Boyd!

No, it's Ryan's voicemail so he can play it back for Boyd at bedtime.

Mama bear loves you very, very-- very much. Bye-bye. Okay, we get it.

You're into the kid. Okay.

You don't want to get all smothery like our mo--hey, Mom.

Hey.

Here you go.

So Boyd's taken care of. Now you and me, let's go out to a bar... (Singsongy) and get cray-cray!

Or we could go see a movie!

A movie?

Yeah. Two hours of peace where everybody leaves me alone.

Kris, you go out to a bar looking like that, and everyone will leave you alone.

You know what? I think you're enjoying this.

Your little camping buddy out there is living like it's "The Hunger Games."

Come on, bring her in.

Ahh.

We bring her in with no apology, that's--that's just appeasement.

Gotta let her tough it out until she caves or runs out of TP.

I didn't even think of that. What's she been doing--

Well, if she did what I taught her--

I'll spare you the details-- come spring, you're gonna love those hydrangeas.

Mike, come on.

Looks like it's gonna be cold out there tonight.

Yeah, it's gonna snow, too.

Let me see if I can move this along.

Thank you.

Whew! It's cold out here.

Hey, is that hot chocolate?

It's fire retardant.

(Hisses)

What the--

Look, you're producing way too many greenhouse gases out here.

There's some polar bear swimming for his life up North 'cause of you.

No problem. I'll just put up the smaller bivy sack tent, go with a mummy sleeping bag and a fleece face mask like you taught me in Yosemite.

I got the sprinklers set for 5:00 a.m.

What?!

(Door closes)

Thanks for letting me pick the movie.

Yeah, of course.

Why would we want to see Ryan Gosling take his shirt off when we could watch Dame Judi Dench find love in Tuscany?

"Raiders of The Lost Ark"!

Oh. Hey, Mr. Alzate. What are you doing here?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey! Hey, how are you?

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss a Judi Dench movie.

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Mm. Ahh! "The Black Pearl"! (Chuckles)

I'm 5-for-5 on the pre-show movie trivia.

What are you doing?

Oh, just calling Ryan to check on Boyd.

It'll only take a second.

(Girl) Hello. Ryan Vogelson residence.

Who is this?

Emily, the babysitter.

Babysitter? You're telling me Ryan's not there?

That's usually how this works.

I think he went to the bar around the corner.

Can I take a message?

Yeah.

You can tell him that when I see him, I'm gonna rip off his face like a chimpanzee.

Did you hear that? Ryan left Boyd with a sitter.

The whole theater heard.

Ned Beatty!

No, no, I mean, Warren Beatty!

It still counts.

We have to go find Ryan.

Are you kidding me?

First you drag me to this stupid movie, you make me split a popcorn--

He's in a bar.

Okay, let's go.

"Big Momma's House"! (Chuckles)

No, wait, "Lawrence of Arabia." Yeah.

It still counts, you know? Here.

Honey, she's gonna be fine.

I know. She's doing great.

I'm the one that's having a hard time with this.

I'm gonna go out there and tell her to come back inside.

Baby, you can't let her win.

We do not negotiate with t*rrorists.

Except that one guy at the carpet store.

This is the first time my baby's ever been this disappointed in me.

(Door closes)

Can, uh, can I come in?

Did you quit your job yet?

You know I haven't.

Well, I'm not allowed in your house, then you're not allowed in mine.

Fine, but I can't leave this flap open for too long.

We have a raccoon.

Really?

There's a lot to discover living in the yard.

The family behind us either has a kid who plays oboe, or they're keeping a goat against its will.

Well, clearly you've built a wonderful life for yourself.

(Mouths word)

Look, Eve... (Clicks tongue)

I know at your age things are, uh, are either right or wrong, good or bad, sick or janky...

I hate it when you Google slang before we talk.

No, let me fi--wait. Let me fin--let me finish.

Wait, wait. Wait. The-- the point I'm making is--is when you're an adult, things aren't so black and white.

You have to pay bills, which means we have to make choices, and sometimes we have to compromise.

You could get another job.

You don't have to work for a stupid energy company.

I'm a geologist, so it's either that or teach, and after being in your classroom, I realize how much I don't like other people's kids.

(Laughs)

Eve, the world isn't perfect, and everybody has to compromise.

I mean, unless you're a trust fund millionaire or a 14-year-old living in a tent.

Someday you'll understand that.

I just wish that day was now.

(Out-of-tune screech and bray)

What the hell is that?

God...

How'd it go?

Not good.

(Taps pen)

All right.

Enough of this frackin' around.

(Dance music playing)

Boy, my mouth is, like, super parched from that movie popcorn.

Can I borrow some money and your driver's license?

No.

Fine, I'll just... steal a straw and troll for unattended beverages.

(Clears throat)

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm on a date.

Well, say good night, pay your tab, and go home to the child you're never going to be trusted with again.

Ryan, let's go someplace else.

There's a couple of guys in here I do not want to see.

(Clears throat)

Kristin, this is my friend Edie.

Mm, careful. I was his friend, too.

Now I pee a little whenever I cough.

Oh, that reminds me.

I left my beer in the stall.

(Scoffs)

This is what you left Boyd for?

A date with a girl named V.D.?

Her name is Edie.

And Boyd's in really good hands.

My babysitter Emily is very responsible.

She lives across the hall from me with her parents, a cop and a nurse, and just so you know, I didn't leave until Boyd was sound asleep.

Did you do story time?

No, I didn't have to.

I took him to the park, and we had a blast.

He crashed the second I dropped him into bed.

No warm blankie?

No, no blankie.

Just a sleepy kid who conked out 'cause he had a big day.

But he needs all that stuff.

No, he doesn't. You do.

Look, I think that sometimes you use Boyd as an excuse to not have anything else in your life.

It's okay for us to have fun, Kris.

We're 23, not 83.

So... what's the deal with V.D.?

(Sighs)

Internet date.

I don't know how to get rid of her.

Ohh. I'll take care of it.

He's got a 5-year-old.

Later.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

You guys, that old guy just bought me this.

(Dance music continues)

♪

(Gruff voice) There she is, the elusive Rocky Mountain snow-capped teenager.

Let's watch as we bait the trap.

(Clears throat)

(Cheering on TV) (Mike, normal voice) All right.

Give him some protection. Let's go.

(Cheering continues)

(Muffled voice) Is that pizza?!

I'm sorry. Is that smell bothering you?

(Cheering continues, players shouting)

(Sighs) Second touchdown tonight.

You probably saw that first one.

Ohh! What am I saying?

There's no electricity in the tent.

Honey, are you staying warm?

There's ice where my snot used to be!

It's like a sauna in here.

I may have to turn on the air conditioner.

I know you brought that TV in here just to t*rture me, Dad.

No, I didn't.

You know, I'd like to sit and chitchat, but that solar lantern's getting a real bad reflection on my TV.

(Sighs)

(Mutes TV)

What's up? (Shivers)

(Sighing)

Oh...

Ohh!

I want to move back in.

Well, no one's making you stay outside there, honey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want to eat hot pizza, enjoy a flat-screen?

I don't want to hear all this bitching about where electricity comes from.

(Sighs)

I promise.

Ay, ay, ay...

Dad!

Your mom is really upset.

I know.

We talked about it, and I-- and I feel really bad.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna apologize.

I was wrong.

You're not wrong about caring about stuff.

What you're wrong about is pinning all this stuff on your mom.

I know. She's freakin' awesome.

Dad, I really want to watch this game with you.

Can you pause it while I take a shower?

All right.

But first, before you take your shower, go talk to your mom.

Okay.

All right? You know what?

Why don't you take that shower and then talk to your mom?

(Dance music playing)

♪

All right, you have to tell that guy to stop buying you drinks.

(Singsongy) I'm getting hammered!

So, uh, I take it you've never seen Ryan dance before.

Why is that?

Because if you had, I would not have a nephew.