02x07 - Putting a Hit on Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Eve, put the turkey down.

Please, Mom, let me toss this.

We've been picking these bones for a week.

Let the poor bastard rest in peace.

Hey, I spent days preparing a Thanksgiving feast for 26 people. I've earned the right to phone it in.

You aren't kidding.

Tonight's dinner was 1-800-crap.

What are you doing with the presents?

Oh, I'm sending them to relatives, sweetie.

Hey, you know what?

Grandma has got a jillion Christmas cards to send, and it would be really helpful if you would take these reindeer stamps, and put them on--

No, thank you.

Oh, sure. No one wants to know how the sausage is made.

Whoa! Hey! Hold on, little man.

Watch out. Your head is at a very dangerous height right now.

So? I heard there was sausage.

Are we finally done with that stupid turkey?

Nope. Mom's still phoning it in.

Come on. It's a holiday logjam, Mike.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

And surviving all that is the real reason I allow myself to be over-served New Year's Eve.

You gotta learn to pace yourself, honey.

Then you might actually get to see that ball drop.

(Chuckles)

Been watching 'em drop for years, dear.

I've been watching stuff drop, too.

Touche. Honey, come here.

You wanna help me with some of this stuff?

I've got all this-- - Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been around more.

It's been insane at the store.

Yeah?

Obama's economy's helping out.

Lot of people camping these days.

Mostly under bridges.

Hey, Mandy, come here, honey. I need some help with Christmas.

Yeah, I'm already doing my part by going away to Cancun with all my friends.

Plus I pre-registered for all my gifts online.

Hey-- - Ooh, and if you order today, free shipping.

You're welcome.

Kris, he's with your folks all the time.

He's never even met my parents.

Why is it that every time I say "no," you don't listen?

There's a window into how we got Boyd.

(Mouths words)

Ryan wants to take Boyd away for the holidays...

To Canada.

What? No, no, no, no. No. Not--not Christmas.

Christmas is a time for family, love, and affection.

So screw you.

My folks have a big place up in winnipeg with a frozen pond out back.

I can teach Boyd how to skate.

What if Boyd cracks his head open on the ice?

Canada. Free health care.

No, he's gonna have a traditional, good, old-fashioned American Christmas while he's still young enough to enjoy it, not all jaded and greedy like this crew.

Hey. I'm not greedy.

I just believe the baby Jesus would want me to have an iPad. merry Christmas.

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

(Rips)

Sorry. That's probably my fault.

I'll wrap that for you. Come back in a bit.

Merry Christmas.

Kyle, you gotta remember-- with tape, shiny side up, sticky side down.

Vanessa's been really working hard.

I wanna get her something special for Christmas, let her know that she's really appreciated.

All right. Let's see.

Perfect gift. All right. You have a dog, right?

Muffin? Vanessa loves this dog.

We all do.

Okay, good.

Go home, kidnap the dog.

Yeah. (Mutters) Just-- just hide it somewhere.

Now this is important-- write down where you hid it.

Vanessa's gonna think it's lost.

She's distraught. She puts up signs all over the neighborhood.

Ed...

All right? At the right time...

Ed. you find muffin, all right?

You wrap a big--wrap a big red bow around his neck, and it's a Christmas miracle. You're a hero. That's it.

Please, God, tell me you haven't done this before.

My only mistake was doing it twice with the same wife.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

Hi, baby.

Hi, honey. How-- - Hello, my dear.

Hey, Ed, how are you?

How are you? Good. Uh, so I was just out shopping.

I thought I'd stop by and see that sled you picked out for Boyd.

Oh, oh, oh, it's on display here. Come on.

Yeah? All right.

Yeah, must be tough, huh? Being out there all day, away from your beloved doggie, hmm?

(Mouths words)

I'm just planting the seed! (Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, if Mr. Alzate comes by, would you mind telling him that I taught you everything you know?

(Rips)

Oh, and do you mind teaching me everything you know?

Kyle, this can't be taught.

I mean, seriously, it's so simple, it literally cannot be taught.

It's polycarbonate-based.

It's got a nylon seat for the kid.

Steerable. German engineering.

It's absolutely the coolest thing.

Hmm.

"Todes schlitter"?

What does that mean?

"Death sled."

I'm gonna keep looking.

All right.

Think you're making a mistake.

But whatever you get, we're gonna buy here in America.

I can't believe Ryan thought we'd let him... take Boyd to Canada?

Yeah, yeah. That was somethin', huh?

Boy, wasn't it?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, no, nothing. Just, um...

When, uh, when Ryan asked if he could take Boyd, there was a tiny little part of me that kind of went, "yay!"

Wh... really?

Just a nice, no-fuss Christmas.

You--honey, you know this happens to you every year.

You're just a little out of sorts.

As soon as you hear your favorite song, "The Little Drummer Boy" --

♪ PA rum PA pum pum ♪

You know, you get it back.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

I just keep thinking about how simple Christmas was when it was just you and me, you know?

A little apartment on Leetsdale Drive, remember?

Yeah, I do. Sure, I do.

Yeah.

We'd sleep in, then go to church.

I'd sleep in church.

Yeah. (Sighs)

God, it was so quiet, we could hear when the upstairs neighbor fell to the floor.

Yeah.

Christmas stroke.

"Oh!" (Imitates thud)

(Laughs)

And remember?

The EMS guys showed up in Santa hats.

I thought that was inappropriate. I really did. Yeah.

Good times. Good times.

Yeah, good times, yeah.

So you, uh, wanna do Christmas without the kids?

Uh, no. No, no, no, no.

I can't even imagine Christmas without Kristin and Mandy and Eve and Boyd, and...

Boyd, right, right.

Yeah. Just... the house would be so empty.

(Clicks tongue) Quiet. Yeah.

(Clicks tongue)

Yeah, I mean, if you were under the tree, I'd unwrap you.

(Both laugh)

I'm gonna put you on the "naughty" list. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Oh... Okay. That'd be fun, yeah. That'd be--

Well, we got a little, uh...

Yeah.

Oh. Honey...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Well, I gotta go wait in line at the ham store.

I don't know what that's code for, but I'm in.

(Thud)

Finally giving that bird a respectable send-off?

I've given this bird a respectable send-off every morning about 8:05.

Hey, thanks for supporting me with Ryan, by the way.

Some nerve of that guy, thinking he could take Boyd out of the country to wannabe-America for Christmas.

On the other hand, maybe Boyd would like it there.

They got Mounties, they got maple syrup, they got, um... well...

You can Google it. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff up there that kids like.

I'm all for the Vogelsons meeting Boyd.

I just don't understand why it has to be at Christmas.

Yeah, let 'em spend time with their other grandchildren.

No, Ryan's an only child.

Really?

So they looked at him after he was born and said, "Can't do better than that, eh?"

Wait, should I-- should have let Boyd go?

Go where?

Oh, Kris is having second thoughts about Boyd going to Canada.

What kind of mom would that make me?

Not being with my kid at Christmas?

Um, it's, uh, not the most terrible thing I've ever... heard.

Yeah. If there's some way that you could do it where you wouldn't have to be separated, you could, uh... Well, you could go with him.

Seriously?

Got plenty of room up there.

Canadians don't shut up about their wide-open spaces.

No, I don't want to ruin your guys' Christmas.

Oh, hey, come on. It's gonna be quiet, but we're gonna be fine here. We really will.

(Mouths word)

All right. I guess I'll go check into some flights.

Yeah, check-- yeah, sure, just check in.

See how--yeah, that'd be all right, right, honey?

Should be... (Mouths words)

(Both laughing)

(Lowered voice) - You're doing it! You're doing it!

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

I can't believe you're actually bumping off the kids. (Whispers) - Quiet.

(Normal voice)

Merry Christmas. It's your present.

Ohh!

(Normal voice) No. You know what? This is not good.

Honey-- - This is wrong I don't feel good about this.

I don't want to-- - Honey, your hands are clean. Don't worry about it.

We got Mandy taken care of.

Yeah.

Kristin and Boyd.

Just got one more kid to get rid of.

Eve.

No names. No names.

The less you know, the better.

But she's gonna be a problem.

All right, let me think of something. Hold on a second.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ho--

You didn't hear this from me, but... The Goldsteins invited Eve to go with them to Aspen over the holidays, but someone insisted that she needed to work at outdoor man.

I know somebody who knows somebody who can make that go away.

(Chuckles)

No muss, no fuss?

Like it never even happened.

(Kyle) Hey, Mr. B.

Just wanted to let you know, I fired Eve like you told me to.

Oh.

She didn't take it well.

She said some things.

Scary things.

Would you mind walking me to my car later?

Mike, I've done a terrible thing.

What's up, Ed?

Uh, Kyle, close the door.

What happened? What's going on?

Oh...

What's happening?

All right, look...

What you're about to see may sicken you.

Please tell me you didn't kidnap my dog.

No. Swear on your life you'll tell no one.

Yeah, yeah, nothin'. What is it, Ed?

No-- Okay. Okay.

(Plastic crackles)

You sh*t a bald eagle.

Yep. That's him, all right.

Oh... I'm so ashamed for the crime I've committed against my country.

On the other hand, I bagged a friggin' eagle.

Good goin', Ed.

It was an accident. I had the turkey in my sights.

I was about to squeeze off a sh*t with my S20 turkey thumper when this... bald idiot swoops in.

You're gonna get fined for this, Ed.

Oh, they have to catch me first.

That shouldn't be too hard.

It's got a GPS around its neck.

They're still tagging eagles?

They're not even endangered anymore.

Unless you're nearby with a turkey thumper.

You gotta get baldy out of here.

I'm on it. Yeah.

Come with me, Mr. Alzate.

No! (Shouts indistinctly)

He's talking about the eagle.

We have to dispose of this properly.

I know a place we can dump this.

You're gonna have to hold down the store.

No problem.

Actually, once one of these touches the ground, aren't you supposed to burn it?

That's for flags, you bonehead.

I'm not the one who sh*t an eagle.

So, Mandy's off to Mexico in a week.

Oh.

And Kristin booked Canada.

Gonna be gone till the 28th. Right.

And how did it go with f*ring Eve?

Really well. Really well.

Christmas with the Goldsteins in Aspen.

There's a holiday special you'll never see.

Thank you, baby. (Clink)

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

We successfully k*lled our family Christmas.

Yeah.

I can't believe it's gonna be just the two of us.

I know.

Gosh, I shouldn't have bought a 20-pound ham.

Challenge accepted.

No, you have to go to Cancun. I am not going.

Listen, if you don't go, none of us can go, and I will have to stay home with my family, which will suck.

I'll handle this. You don't know nuttin'.

I don't know nuttin'.

Girls, girls, girls, what's all the yelling about?

Okay, Chloe's boyfriend Steve made out with Leslie, who just broke up with Trevor at Zach's party, so now Chloe doesn't wanna go to Cancun, so the whole trip is falling apart.

Well, that can't stop you from going.

Chloe's a drag. You've always said that.

I'm Chloe.

Not Chloe.

I mean the girl that cried at your birthday party 'cause she has real fat calves.

That was also me.

Listen, you're getting me off point here.

This is a great trip.

There must be a simple, easy way to fix this.

All right. Enough.

Let me get this straight, Steve-- the only reason that you kissed Leslie was 'cause you were at Zach's party and this girl Camille dared you to do it?

No. Katrina dared him because she used to have a crush on Steve.

So Steve kissed her because he was dared, and a real man doesn't run from a dare.

So what you actually have here is, whoo, a real man.

Wow. I never thought of it that way.

What a surprise.

So we're goin' to Cancun?

(Chloe) Yes!

All right.

Thank you, Dad. (Squeals)

Man, oh, man.

Well, well, well.

Yeah. Hey, Eve. What's up?

I know what you're up to, old man.

Sending Kristin off to the frozen North.

Knockin' off me and Mandy.

You wanna clear out the house, spend some alone time with your little lady friend, heh?

Hmm. What if I suddenly wasn't in the mood for skiing?

All right. I'll play along.

What'll it take to have this go away?

Well... (Sighs) There's a report card comin'.

I want you to sign it. No questions asked.

Why?

I said, no questions.

Is that a deal?

All right.

Listen, how--how bad a report card was it?

I'm getting a "D" in art.

A "D" in art?

I-I can't draw hands, okay?

They always end up looking like a bunch of bananas.

Well, what do your bananas look like?

(Scoffs) You do not wanna know.

I'm telling you, they're tracking us, I know it.

I can't get caught.

Guys with long hair and slender frames-- they don't do well in the clink.

(Thuds)

What the hell was that?

Ed, did we hit something?

With my luck, I probably ran over Uncle Sam.

(Thuds)

What the hell was that?

(Thuds)

Do we have a flat?

(Loud thudding)

No, that's no flat.

(Thudding continues)

I better pull over and see.

Boyd, what are you doing up? You should be in bed.

You're putting Christmas away?

Well, honey, you're not gonna be here.

It's just gonna be me and Grandpa.

But I wanna see you on Christmas.

Well, you'll be with your other grandma and grandpa.

It won't be the same.

No. No, it won't, honey.

What's, uh, what's that you got there?

It's my new toy.

Ah.

(Instrumental "Little Drummer Boy" playing)

♪ Pa rum PA pum pum ♪

♪

(Clicks tongue)

♪ ba rum PA pum pum ♪

(Sighs)

♪

(Car doors close)

(Thudding)

Pop the trunk.

Come on. Pop the trunk.

On three.

One...

Two...

(Screeching)

Why does this place smell like an air freshener?

Please tell me you're gonna hang this from your mirror in your car. No.

I heard that Christmas carol, "The Little Drummer Boy."

It ju--it always gets to me.

And remember that wonderful version with Bing Crosby and David Bowie?

Warm Christmas memories.

Yeah.

Ziggy Stardust singing with a crooner who knocked his kids around.

So you've completely changed your mind?

Honey, I can't stand the thought of waking up Christmas morning and not having the girls here.

And Boyd.

Boyd.

Boyd. (Exhales deeply)

All right, all right, all right.

I got a little bit of work to do then.

But, honey, I mean, this is crazy.

Isn't it too late?

I eat a couple airfares. I can take care of that.

Mike, if you can get the girls here for Christmas morning, it would be the most amazing Christmas gift ever, and you can put the blame all on me.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll be the Grinch.

I'll just tell everybody that my heart grew three sizes today.

And it might have happened, actually.

I got these weird pains in my shoulder.

I'm gonna get some more lights.

All right.

♪ Pa rum PA pum pum Hey, girls, would you come down here a minute, please?

Well, well, well.

Ooh!

Wow. How long you been standing there?

Long enough, my friend.

So, now you want everyone to cancel their plans.

I suppose I could be persuaded... for a price.

No more blackmail. Girls, get down here!

But you're honoring our existing deal, correct?

Just get your grades up, banana hands.

What's going on, Dad?

Sit down, please. Family meeting.

This is gonna be bad news, but I want to downsize your Christmases.

I don't want anybody traveling this Christmas.

(Flatly) But, honey, they all made plans.

Listen, I thought it was okay to be without you guys.

Truth is, I don't want you gone over Christmas, 'cause without you guys here, it's just Tuesday without mail delivery.

I can't believe you're doing this, Dad.

I know--

I already bought my tickets...

I can--

(Singsongy) And they're refundable!

(Normal voice) Whoo!

Okay, there is no good way to get to Winnipeg, and--and then once you're there, it's 23 below.

And you're in freakin' Winnipeg.

Yeah. I never wanted to go with the Goldsteins.

And, Dad, could I please have my wrapping job back at Outdoor Man?

Sure.

I'm trying to save up for that iPad, which... I guess I'm not getting?

You never know. I do. You don't.

Now look, I know you're gonna be upset about Cancun-- (Inhales)

It's just as well, I think.

Chloe and Leslie are, like, fighting again.

I don't know, I think I'm dodging a b*llet.

It's Mexico. It's a hail of b*ll*ts.

And besides, I-I have a whole year to use the ticket.

Sure. Sure.

So maybe I'll just, like, wait a few months until the whole, like, drug w*r thing blows over.

So, this is great!

I'm so excited. And we'll have a different kind of Christmas, where everybody pitches in-- help with the wrapping...

Cooking. 'Cause I want your mom to be the Christmas queen.

Stop.

Doesn't have anything to do up until new year's, which, after that, she'll be out of commission, anyway, with the...

But I want to see Moo-maa and Poppy-pop.

Yeah, that's what he calls Ryan's parents.

I'm sorry, Boyd. No, w-w-wait.

Why don't we have moo-moo and poo-poo-- but--wh-why don't we have them here for the holidays?

Really?!

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why not, honey? Just for a few days.

W--

The more, the merrier, right?

(Mouths words)

A-all right, yeah. You heard your mom.

Last one to cancel their plans is gonna have to share a room with the old Canadians.

(Speaking at once)

I'm around if you need airline plans changed.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Mmm.

Mmm. (Laughs)

(Chuckles) And apparently, he wasn't dead, thank goodness.

Just stunned, and--and really pissed.

It was terrifying.

I've played enough "Angry birds" to know what one looks like.

(Laughs)

And then he sh*t up out of the trunk and soared majestically into the night sky.

That--that eagle, just like the great country he represents, just when you think he's down, he soars again, higher than ever.

I don't know how much altitude that bird's gonna get.

There was a lot of blood in that bag.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, did you ever find that perfect gift for Vanessa?

(Chuckles) Yeah. I did your dog thing.

What do you mean? Muffin's right here.

No, I did it with the kids.

What?

I made it look like the kids disappeared for Christmas.

(Lowered voice) And when Vanessa changed her mind, I brought 'em back magically. I looked like a big hero.

Yeah, but how could you be so sure that Vanessa would change her mind and want everybody back?

(Normal voice) Well, let's just say the fix was in.

I gave little Boyd this Christmas present early.

(Click)

("Little Drummer Boy" playing)

That's it.

Merry Christmas, fellas.

(Both) Merry Christmas.