02x08 - Bullying

[bunniefuu]

(Slurps) Ooh.

Hey, honey.

Hey, the Mike Baxter secret chili recipe's almost ready.

Oh, j... not your chili. Come on, Mike.

God, it's winter. We're all trapped in here.

Couple bowls of this, I'll be definitely violating Obama's emission standards.

Hey!

Hey!

So, Ryan's got some good news.

I finally got my commercial driver's license.

Oh, wow. Congratulations, Ryan.

Yeah. Last time you got a driver's license, you celebrated by... oh, that's right... knocking up our daughter.

Dad, come on. Really?

Okay, okay. Commercial license.

It's a big deal. Congratulations.

Thank you. But there's even better news than that.

I got a job driving a beer truck.

I like beer. (Mike laughs)

Yeah... (Laughing) Yeah. What?

His mouth was on fire when he tasted the chili.

And he's a lot more fun when he's loaded, I'll tell you that.

Ryan's been working toward this job for months.

It means he'll be able to kick in some more money for Boyd.

And every spare dollar's going to help raise my son.

You didn't think I was good enough for your daughter...

Roger that.

But I promise I'm gonna do my best to be good enough for your grandson.

Mom? Are you okay?

Yeah, just...

(Voice breaking) You know, the kid's trying so hard.

(Mike) It's a strategy.

He lowers our expectations by not being around for three years, then he shows up with a taco and a pair of tennis shoes, he's a hero?

This kid's a genius.

Come on. Give the guy a little credit.

How about me getting a little credit?

I've been supporting this family since the beginning.

How about shedding a tear for me?

Yeah, we'll all be shedding tears once you have a bowl of that chili.

Oh... my... God!

Best day ever!

(Panting) I love life!

Somebody's excited it's chili night.

(Laughing) Okay, so, just to sum up my life so far, I've had detention... Check.

And I've failed classes... Check.

And I've had an at-fault car accident.

Ha ha. Check with a lot of zeroes.

But I've never been suspended. Not even once, huh?

Oh, but enough about me.

Hey, Eve, how was your day? Huh?

Mom, I need to talk to you about something.

Eve got suspended! (Slaps table)

Oh, that felt good! (Laughs)

(Exhales) Not the good daughter.

The one I like, you know...

(Stammering)

The... the same as a... uh, you... two.

You were suspended for bullying?

Eve, what the hell?

A teacher reported me for calling Jay Brinkerhoff "Gay Brinkerhoff."

(Laughs) Mike.

(Laughing) Come on! That's funny.

I mean, I would have... I probably would have gone with the last name... "Jay Stinkerhoff."

But you can, you know, put that in your, uh, back pocket if you need... you know, if you need it.

So you called this boy gay?

That's all you did?

That's plenty, dad.

Where's the bullying part of that?

I mean, where... did you shove him in a locker or take his lunch money? No.

Gave him an Atomic Wedgie, Wet Willie, you know, Purple Nurple, whatever?

Dad, calling someone gay is bullying.

It's verbal bigotry.

Words can be just as damaging as weapons.

Not if you buy your weapons at my store.

Eve, is this boy gay? No.

Well, for crap's sake. He's not even gay.

That's like calling a tall person "shorty."

So, in your analogy, dad, gay is short?

Why wouldn't gay be tall?

Yeah, dad. Rupaul is, like, 6'5".

Although... technically, I'm not sure if he's gay.

Because if he identifies as a she, then he wouldn't be gay if she's with a man.

So... Well, let's just keep painting that picture.

You know, maybe the school overreacted, but, evie, honey, this is way out of line.

(Sighs) I was joking around.

Kids in my class say "gay" all the time.

That's right. Why isn't calling someone gay a "compliment"?

Maybe she said it in a hurtful way.

She said she was joking around, you know?

I'm gonna go with Eve on this, not the thought police.

You know, in the 1890s, it was called "the gay '90s."

No one bitched about it then.

They did all the dancing and stuff, they did, "whoa, whoa, whoa!"

Doing all that, you know?

Th... ohh!

You're all thinking something about me because of the way I dance. I can see that.

But I'm not gonna scurry into the principal's office, start crying about it.

Yeah... About that, one of you has to go down and talk to Mr. Bagnato.

And I'd love to be that one.

I'll take the bill of rights with me.

Apparently he doesn't know about the first amendment.

Yeah, you know what? I don't need you dancing down there.

I'll take this one, honey. (Mouths words)

So, you guys, given that Kristin got pregnant and now perfect Eve has committed a hate crime, um... (Clicks tongue)

Isn't it time to rethink Mandy's place on the Baxter daughter podium?

We don't rank our children.

You don't have to. I'll do it for you. Okay.

This is one.

Teen preggers, two.

And bigot gets the bronze!

(Laughs)

Hi. Mike Baxter here for "outdoor man."

Nice boat, huh?

I know most of you are saying, "Mike, I don't need a new boat. I'll just take that Gimbal housing off the rotten transom and Jerry-rig something myself."

I don't think you should say "Jerry-rig."

It's defamatory to Germans.

Being a German-American, I don't think I like it.

I'm kidding. I don't care one way or the other.

It's not world w*r ii. Come on.

When did we become so sensitive about words?

It's about intent.

Our words are crippling us.

Or should I say, "disabling us"?

I think we forgot that sticks and stones actually do hurt.

I think if we got pelted in the back of the neck with a rock every day, it would take a little of the sting out of being called a "fat-ass."

So what am I gonna do about it? I'm just a retailer.

I'm gonna have a sale.

I'm gonna sell night-vision goggles, navigation equipment, nylon angling shirts.

Everything in the store that begins with the letter "n."

We'll have a little sale.

We'll call it the... "M" -word sale.

'Cause if I went with the other letter, you'd call me a r*cist.

Wow. That was really something, sir.

You like that?

No, you scared the hell out of me.

Come on, Nancy, what's the problem?

It's just that words can be very hurtful.

That's because you're a sissy.

Hurtful.

I'm joking, I'm joking.

No, Mike, what's got you all riled up today?

Eve got suspended from school for calling somebody gay.

I thought that's what we're supposed to say.

When it doubt, say "l. G.B.T."

Sounds like a delicious sandwich.

I mean... (Stammers) But I don't get it.

They called the 1890s "the gay '90s," because everyone was having a good time!

Yeah, yeah! That's exactly what I said! See?

Although unlike you, I didn't live through them.

You know... (Laughing) Oh...

Hey. (Kristen) Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Mommy! Hey, kiddo! Ohh!

Aunt Mandy puts on lipstick when she drives!

Don't worry. (Chuckles) I steer with my knees.

Thanks for bringing Boyd home from Ryan's.

Oh, no problem. It's the price you pay for being the favorite daughter. (Giggles)

It's the burden of being on top.

That's where you were right before you got pregnant.

Well, you really helped Ryan out.

He's got a big haul down to Durango tonight.

Wow. After spending the whole day detailing his motorcycle. (Sighs)

He bought a motorcycle?

Dude, Ryan is seriously bordering on sexy. (Laughs)

By night driving his beer truck, by day waxing his hog.

What?

How can he spend money on a motorcycle?

Is it bad that sometimes I daydream about hauling off and hitting him with a closed fist?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Who are we talking about hitting?

Ryan.

Oh. No need to hit him.

Just go like this. He'll probably faint.

Ryan bought a motorcycle.

Really?

Yeah. He hasn't paid a dime toward Boyd yet, he's already bought himself a toy.

Motorcycles aren't toys.

It's all the power of a car, and none of the safety features.

Well, what kind?

It's blue. Oh!

Why, nothing gets by you, does it, Mandy?

It's completely irresponsible.

It might make him more of a dude. I like it.

Well, what... what if he just ends up splattered out on Colorado boulevard?

Win/win.

Oh, hey, sweetie. Hi, babe.

Listen, I had a big sit-down with principal Bagnato about Eve.

(Wiseguy accent) Oh, yeah? "I had a big sit-down with Bagnato about Eve."

What are we gonna find, a horse head in her bed?

Okay. Come on. Stop.

The school has these guidelines to help teach kids how to be more sensitive.

They're called "cool tools."

(Normal voice) Wait, look at this. Yeah, yeah.

"Red words," "green words," "nice words," "mean words."

Who wrote this... Dr. Seuss?

(Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, mom.

Run, quickly! Get out while you can! Hey, no... shh!

(Mike) Oh.

Honey, come here, come here.

Uh, listen. I had a good talk with your principal today.

Hmm. Really? With him or his hand puppets?

(Laughs)

Well, it's... you know.

Eve, he, uh, he gave me this workbook to give to you.

Honey, you know, words are like toothpaste.

Roan (G oh, boy. (Groans) Oh, boy.

Once they're out of the tube, you can't put them back in.

(Clicks tongue)

Well, thanks, mom.

You've really opened my mind on this important issue.

Wait a minute... s-sit back down. Let her finish.

Honey... Let her finish this.

The bottom line is, be nice.

I-it's simply. Think before you open your mouth, and if it's gonna hurt somebody, don't say it.

And when you use a word like "gay" the way you did, you could be taking away somebody's dignity.

Mom, you know I don't have anything against gay people. I know.

Jay Brinkerhoff's name just rhymes with "gay."

Yeah, if his name happened to be, uh, uh, "Tucker," it would be a different story, right?

Mike!

Well, I'm just saying, she could have...

(Speaks indistinctly)

Okay. The principal wants you to do all the exercises in the "cool tool" workbook. Okay.

First exercise... forget the U.S. constitution.

I don't appreciate you undermining me like that.

Honey, I'm not undermining you.

I just disagree with everything you're saying.

Honey, she's not taking me seriously because you're not taking this seriously.

Where do you think she gets all this wise-ass stuff from?

Hopefully from me, because you're horrible at it. Oh...

Look, honey, this is serious.

50% of all teenagers have been bullied.

Which means 50% are the bullies, and which team do you want her on?

I would rather she not be somebody who enjoys hurting other people's feelings.

I get it. So what do you want me to do?

I want you to come in there with me, united front, and help her understand this is a big deal.

(Sighs)

Hey, d-bags.

I haven't gotten very far.

So not funny. Okay, listen.

We want you to finish the "cool tools" workbook.

Otherwise, you're not gonna play against Lincoln on Friday night.

But if I don't play, you won't go, and who will yell at the refs?

We're serious, Eve.

This is so unfair. You know who should be doing this workbook?

Jay brinkerhoff. He started the whole thing.

Why? What did Jay do?

His name rhymes with "gay."

Haven't you been keeping up with this thing?

Okay, so we were playing basketball one-on-one, and I torched him, so I did my trademark "suck-it" dance, and then he called me a mean name that rhymes with "bike."

Oh, boy.

So then he and his friends called me "Steve Baxter." Mm.

So... so I had to do something. So this is self-defense.

Yes. Wait. Why didn't you just go to the principal and tell them that Jay was teasing you?

Because it was nothing. It's stupid.

The whole thing is stupid. I have to do this workbook.

No, it's not stupid. Eve. Hey, baby... don't... she's fine. She didn't bully anybody.

It was self-defense.

(Wiseguy accent) She took her first pinch like a man.

She didn't turn on nobody. She told nobody about it.

What are you do... what is it, mafia week on AMC?

I'm just saying fuhgeddaboudit!

I know what's going on here.

This is Dave Wilson and Andy green all over again.

Yeah, of course, it's the famous Wilson-green affair.

What's that about?

They were the two guys that were tormenting me when I was Eve's age, but I only told on Dave Wilson.

Why did you rat on Wilson?

Because I liked Andy green. Oh, stop it. Stop it.

Now this is what's happened with Eve.

She likes this gay brinkerhoff.

Jay. Jay! Jay!

(Speaks indistinctly)

Well, that makes sense. No sense of humor, a crybaby, not athletic.

Perfect Baxter boyfriend material.

I'm telling you, she likes him. That's why she's so upset.

I don't think she's that upset.

Even if she is, she'll get over it.

She's tough. You're not still pining for that guy, are you? No.

No, of course... I don't even know what became of him.

He's not on Facebook.

(Mouths words)

(Knock on door)

(Knocking continues)

Hey, jackass. What the hell were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking, "I wonder who's at the door."

And now I'm thinking, why did I open the door?

Every time I start to trust you, you remind me that you're a screwup.

Uh, a screwup who grew an entire tray of wheatgrass from seeds.

Yeah, I grew something from one of your seeds, too.

He's 5 now.

This is my fault. It's like I'm still that girl in high school who believed you when you said, "I just wanna cuddle."

As I recall, I did just wanna cuddle.

But you're a really good cuddler.

Yesterday, you said you were gonna start chipping in, and I find out you... you bought a motorcycle?

Meanwhile, I'm working double shifts, not waxing my hog...

(Clenches teeth) Or anything else for that matter.

Kris, it's... it's not like that.

What's it like then, Ryan? Huh?

What if I said that I bought the bike so I could sell my car and give you the money?

That would be extremely responsible.

And I would feel really dumb right now.

Sorry, dummy.

And there's gonna be more where that came from.

What? Somebody paid you this much for that piece-of-crap car?

I had to throw in my yogurt maker, too.

But it's all for you and Boyd.

Thank you.

Oh, actually, um, could I get $20 back?

I-I've got a pizza coming.

Sure. Guess my waxing can wait.

Talk about growing wheatgrass.

So when's your shift start?

You... you wanna stay for some pizza?

I should go.

Well, you know, maybe we can watch TV or maybe cuddle?

As friends! (Door closes)

Wow.

Hurry up, Eve! I don't wanna miss the sh**t-around.

(Eve) Coming!

(Door squeaks and closes)

I'm surprised Bagnato's letting her play.

Isn't he worried she's gonna make the other team cry?

Oh, you know, I just hope she's okay.

I mean, when the first boy you like in high school makes fun of you, it sticks with you.

Keeps you up at night.

Wow, that Andy green really did a number on you.

What did he say? You remember what he said?

Oh, no. It's so long ago. I don't remember.

Come on, honey. I'm sure you remember exactly what he said.

I don't know. I don't... what did he say?

♪ Vanessa, Vanessa ♪
♪ I'd hate to undress ya ♪
♪ who you trying to impress-a ♪

(Voice breaking)

♪ with hair such a... mess-a ♪

Wow. That's terrible.

Listen, whoever wrote that show tune...

Is not into chicks. (Sighs)

I don't think Eve being called a boy bothered her at all.

She's like a t*nk.

She's like a...

A beautiful, flowery, delicate t*nk.

Uh, somebody put a supermodel head on your point guard.

Still think being called a boy doesn't bother her?

This could be a coincidence. (Stammers) It... it could be.

Ah.

Maybe it bothered her a little.

Hey, dad, Lincoln's sh**ting guard can't go left.

I'm gonna have so many steals tonight.

Yeah, great. Bracelets.

Uh...

So what's with all the... the w*r paint?

Mandy helped me put my new game face on.

Awesome, huh? Nice.

Is the other one still under there somewhere? (Laughs)

Honey, does this have anything to do with what Jay said to you?

Because I'm just not sure that your teardrop earrings are gonna match your mouthguard.

I can look good and still kick ass.

You don't have to do that. You know this, right?

Well, no one's gonna be calling me "Steve" tonight. No.

Listen, if I were on the court, and we were playing against you, and I said, "your jump sh*t sucked," what would you say to me?

I'd say, "get some glasses, old man."

Right, and you'd say that because you know it's not true what I said.

So somebody calling you "Steve" would be like me calling your mom "thunder thighs."

Or something else.

Anything else!

Just... not even as an example.

'Cause it's not true.

I guess what Jay said to me only bugged me because I thought he really liked me.

Well, maybe he's the one that needs glasses 'cause he can't see how beautiful you are.

Thanks, dad.

Honey, you know what this is?

I-I think that Jay probably really does like you. Yeah.

And sometimes immature boys express their affection by being mean.

Listen to old thunder thighs here.

Dad, unh-unh, those are toothpaste words.

(Wiseguy accent) They don't go back in the tube.

(Laughs) Are you... are you gonna take all that makeup off?

Uh, I think I'll leave it on for tonight's game. Why?

'Cause... let 'em get a load of this, that's why! Yeah.

Take this out. I gotta find my car keys.

So everybody loves Eve again?

Back on top, baby. Back on top.

Oh, thank God. It was so much pressure being your favorite.

Oh, and by the way, dad, I have been suspended.

Twice.

(Wiseguy voice) Nobody can hurt you like family.

(Mandy giggling)

(Knocks on window)

(Singsongy) Guess who got in trouble again?

Oh, are you kidding me?

Yep, Jay brinkerhoff kissed her at assembly in front of the whole school.

I'm so proud.

Do not tell your father.

They said if it happened again, I'd get suspended. Hmm.

(Singsongy) And it is definitely gonna happen again.

(Laughs)

(Both squealing) Ah-ah-ah!

(Grunts)

(Knock on door) I'll get it.

All right. Thanks, sweetie.

Hey, Ryan. Hey... hey, Mike.

Brought you a six-pack.

Ah...

We'll just say it fell off the truck.

Actually, it did fall off the truck.

You might wanna open it in the sink.

Brought your motorcycle?

Yeah, you wanna check it out? Yeah.

Yeah.

Check out the hog.

This isn't even a piglet.

But it gets great gas mileage.

I bet it goes nice and slow so it won't blow up your skirt.

And every penny saved goes towards Boyd's college fund.

(Voice breaking) That's so great, Ryan.

Oh, honey. There's only one word to describe this thing.

Now don't say it. This is so, so...

(Horn honks)