02x09 - Attractive Architect

[bunniefuu]

Ooh.

(Door closes)

Ah, no, no, no. Get out.

Aah!

Save yourself. Literally. Get out.

Dad!

(Groans)

I need this bathroom.

Honey, honey, it's morning. I have the newspaper.

The sequence has been engaged.

Things are about to happen here.

Well, Eve locked herself in ours, So... sorry.

Well, you... (Muttering)

Eve!

Eve!

(Exhales)

(Knocks on door)

Eve, open the door! Your sister's primer's on.

I guess she's ready to paint! Come on!

Dad, if I let her in, she'll hog the bathroom for hours.

That's--come on.

Hey, this is my studio and this is my canvas, and every day, I create a masterpiece.

Oh...

Look in there. You're all set.

Thank you.

All right. She's in, I'm out.

Wait. Dad. Dad.

Where am I supposed to put all my makeup?

She's taken all the drawers. (Stammers)

I have a very meticulous system.

See, everything is arranged...

Okay. and carefully sorted into four separate zones.

I got it.

Move away. Move away. Look.

You got a spare drawer. Just put all this stuff... (Clatters)

My zones!

Oh!

There we go. All right, look, problem number one solved.

On to number two.

Time to drop those shoes.

Hey, Kyle, knock on Ed's door and tell him I got a buddy who wants to say hi to him, okay?

Ah, it's gonna be great working with you again, buddy!

(Laughing)

Man, it has been way too long.

Yeah, last project we did seemed to last forever.

(Laughs)

Let's do it again.

Ah, yeah.

Hey, Mr. B., Ed said he's in a meeting, and that he does not want to be disturbed, you idiot.

(Laughs) That last part might have been meant for me.

That's all right, Mike.

Just take a look at my designs for the mall stores and give me a call with the good news. (Laughs)

You bet, buddy.

Say hi to the wife and the three boys.

Hey...

It's three girls.

Really? God, I-I seem to remember it was three boys.

(Mouths words)

Hey, Mike. Mike...

You just missed Bill McKendree.

Oh, yeah. Well, this is, uh, Alyssa Warren, fine young architect with Warren and Associates.

Mike Baxter.

Hey.

How are you?

Pleasure to meet you. Thanks for coming down.

Thank you.

Yeah. I was just telling Alyssa about that time that I got the--the tiger in Siberia to eat sugar from my hand.

Yeah, the sad part of that story-- sugar was his Pomeranian.

(Laughs)

It was the dog or me, Mike.

Sugar d*ed a hero.

Mr. Alzate is a fantastic storyteller.

Yes. Quite an animal lover, too.

Well, it was a pleasure meeting both of you.

Thanks.

I do hope we get the chance to work together on those mall stores.

We'll talk it over.

Okay. Great, thanks.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Uh, if one of you guys can help Ms. Warren to her car, please?

At ease, fellas.

I design buildings for a living.

I can find my way out of this one.

All right. Well, we've looked at all the proposals, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. I say we go with Bill McKendree like we wanted to, okay?

Yeah, well, you know, maybe it's time for a change, Mike.

Alyssa could really expand our business, you know?

Oh, I'll bet she could expand your business. Yeah.

All right. Stop that. Come on now, come on now, come on now. I checked out her portfolio.

I saw you checking her portfolio.

(Speaking indistinctly)

I understand what's going on.

All right, listen to me. She's a fine architect.

I know that. She..

Try to make that sound dirty. Go ahead.

Okay.

Yeah. Right.

She's got floor plans?

Yeah.

I bet you got plans to put her on your floor.

All right.

I could do this all day, Ed.

McKendree and Associates have done 15 buildings for us.

And since it seems to be your thing, Bill's boobs are a lot bigger than they were last year.

All right. I really like that girl's energy.

(Groans) But I'm gonna let you decide.

Take these proposals home.

There are five architects in there, male and female. Pick one.

I'll go by my three criteria-- experience, cost...

And if their name is Bill McKendree.

Hey. I can't believe you took back that makeup drawer.

Where am I supposed to put all my beauty stuff?

"Beauty stuff"?

You have lip gloss, an eyebrow pencil, and a paper clip. (Scoffs)

That paper clip is a primo zit popper, okay?

What? It's the cornerstone of my skin care regimen.

Eve, you don't need makeup.

You are a perfect plain bagel, okay?

Why would you wanna cover that up with cream cheese, huh?

Yeah.

So I could be delicious?

(Laughs) No. Come on.

You have this, like, unspoiled, natural look.

You could have an entire drawer filled with makeup, and you still wouldn't be any prettier.

You seem to be taking that the wrong way.

(Sighs)

Hey, Mom.

Hey, sweetie.

What's with the black dress? Someone die?

Uh, yeah. Bruce Jenkins from my work.

Oh. Sorry.

I-I didn't-- now I feel bad.

I was just trying to make fun of your dress.

Yeah. Yeah.

Don't worry. She doesn't feel that bad about Jenkins.

She got his job.

You do not wanna be ahead of your mom on the corporate ladder. Whoa.

So, honey, did anybody figure out how you did it?

Oh, stop it.

I don't want to go to this funeral.

A bunch of sad geologists talking to each other.

There's not enough booze in the world to make that boat float. (Laughs)

It'll be fine. You look handsome.

It's a little awkward. I don't wanna upstage Jenkins.

It's--it's his day, you know.

Mm.

Yeah, how come your funeral suit looks like the one you got married in?

Part of me d*ed that day.

Well, part of you d*ed that night, too.

But you did have a lot to drink. (Laughs)

(Laughs)

What, uh, what is all this stuff you got here?

Oh, these are the architectural proposals for the new store at the mall.

Oh.

Ed wants to go with this young babe's proposal, but I'm gonna go with my guy, Bill McKendree.

What's, uh, what's wrong with the babe?

Well, 'cause she's really hot, and I think that's the only reason Ed's even--even interested in her.

Mm.

Should have seen the guys staring at her at work.

It was embarrassing.

(Clicks tongue) That is really sexist.

Eh, they're a bunch of pigs, not highly evolved like your guy.

No, I mean you.

I think you're denying her this job just because she's attractive.

Hold on. You're mad because I'm not hiring the smokin' hot babe?

How 'bout we go back in time and revisit hiring that Swedish au pair for Kristin?

What was it? Helga? Olga?

Whatever her name was? Whoa.

Have you even looked at this woman's proposal?

I don't even know if it's her proposal.

Probably someone at her company.

They send a good-looking girl out.

It's a classic bait-and-switch.

So because she's pretty, you assume she is incompetent?

Doesn't have to be competent.

(Door closes) Honey, if pretty women aren't good at their jobs, I mean, what--what does that say about me?

(Mouths words)

Be a good time for a massive stroke.

Mike, I worry all the time that because I'm-- I'm, you know, attractive, that my work doesn't get the respect it deserves.

Could go the other way.

You did get the promotion, right?

Honey, I did not get this promotion because of my looks. (Door closes)

Not just because of it.

I mean, a guy had to die, for God sakes. What?!

Oh, come on.

Come on. It doesn't hurt that the guys in the boardroom have some eye candy now.

Oh, you know what? That's a terrible thing to say.

What are you talking about?

No, it-- you know you got it going on.

You're good-looking. You might as well use it while you still got it.

Uh-huh?

'Cause it's... It's--it's....

Do you smell toast? I smell toast.

Uh-huh. You know what?

You stay home.

I will have more fun at this funeral without you.

Oh, cut it out.

Come--no-- more fun at a funeral?

I'll go without you.

You don't have--

Come on. Are you sure? (Door closes)

There's no way that I would want to be here by myself.

This'll be just terrible. All right, all right.

I'll stay. (Chuckles)

(Mandy) Help!

What?

Okay, Dad, don't freak out until we have all the facts, but something horrible has happened!

Oh, all right. Calm down. Now what is it? One at a time.

Apparently, Eve has hidden all the makeup in the house.

(Mike) Ah.

Why am I the only one in this house that rolls out of bed looking fabu?

If I have to go through life as a plain bagel, so do you.

Gee. Look at the time.

(Singsongy) Better hit the road before we're late for school.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Hey, maybe the roads will be safer.

You know that rear-view mirror you use to put on your makeup?

It also comes in handy for driving.

No. No.

I can't go to school looking like this. Look at me.

Don't look at me!

(Panting)

God! People expect the whole Mandy Baxter experience.

If I show up looking like this, it diminishes my brand--

Mandy.

Hey, come on. You look cute.

Just like you did when you were a baby. You always have.

Cute? Next thing you're gonna say I have a nice personality!

No. I wasn't gonna say that.

(Indistinct conversations)

Oh. Another text from my husband.

Ugh. I'm beautiful. He loves me.

It's so insulting. (Chuckles)

The nerve of some guys. (Chuckles)

Yeah. It wouldn't occur to him to text me that I'm competent or smart.

He--he thinks that just because I'm a beautiful woman, things get handed to me. (Chuckles)

Oh. (Chuckles) Thank you.

Yeah.

You know what? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Lentz, uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Vanessa, we're peers now. Call me Calvin.

Oh, okay. Uh, Calvin...

Uh, maybe you can settle something for me about my promotion.

You gave it to me strictly based on job performance, correct?

Of course.

Although Jenkins dying didn't hurt.

I mean your chances.

He was in severe pain there at the end.

Okay. All right.

But--but there were no other factors?

I-I mean, obviously, I'm a woman.

Which was not a consideration at all.

Oh, okay. All right, I know you have to say that.

Between you and me...

Uh-huh?

Um, sometimes people are influenced by things they don't even realize.

I guess what I'm-- what I'm getting at is, uh, do you think I'm pretty?

Do... do--excuse me?

Oh, no, no. It's nothing weird.

It's just my husband and I have this thing...

Okay.

No, wait--no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, no.

I'm sorry. Look, I just--

(Sighs) I just need to know that getting my job had nothing to do with you thinking I'm attractive.

N--

No, no, no. My decision was based purely on job performance and qualifications. (Exhales)

Okay. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

I-I just needed to know that my looks weren't a factor. (Chuckles)

Oh, wait. Um, so who--who were some of the other finalists?

There was only one-- Dr. Kathy Pullman.

(Squirts)

Ugh.

Oh. (Chuckles nervously)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, Jenna. Hey. (Laughs)

Hey, you think you can, uh, you can hook me up?

You got any lip gloss? Can I have a little taste?

(Mutters)

Grindal! Yeah!

Grindal! Hey, man.

Can you help me out?

I just need, uh, I need a little bit of eye liner.

Just a couple of lines?

Yeah. Whatever, Grindal!

I remember when your name was Danny!

(Sniffles)

(School bell rings)

Oh, my God! (Claps hands)

Look, everyone!

Ohh! It's Kenny from "South Park"!

Wow! Wait a minute.

It's... it's Mandy Baxter.

Aah. No.

So this is what she really looks like.

No, it's--it's not me! It's not Mandy Baxter, okay?

It's an ugly exchange student from Spain! Bonjour!

Oh, hey, Kathy. (Chuckles)

Where you puttin' all that wine?

What do you have, a hollow leg? (Chuckles)

You don't have a hollow leg, do you?

Why do you keep talking to me?

We've worked together for years in the same building, and you never talk to me.

All right.

Well, it's about time we changed that.

Listen, do you realize that you and I were the only two finalists for the job... I got?

Thanks for rubbing it in.

Like I had any chance against the prom queen.

Prom queen?

Big hair? And all those teeth?

My God, you must have 50 crammed in there.

I have the usual amount.

Hey, hey, why are you so mad at me?

Because you got the job that I was more qualified for.

But it's okay. I still have my cats.

How many cats do you have, Vanessa?

I bet you don't have six.

All right, well, hold on.

Kathy, look, I-I am not just pretty.

I-I have excellent qualifications.

Oh. So she's pretty and she knows it.

Always a great combination.

I have a master's in geophysics, with a PhD in geology with an emphasis in petrology from Ohio State.

Wow. And all I have is the exact same stuff...

From Yale.

(Sighs) All right. Kathy, look.

We're both two very accomplished women.

I mean, the truth of the matter is, we should be running this company.

(Scoffs) Not anytime soon. From Lentz on up, this is a sausage fest around here.

Always has been.

That's why they get away with paying you less than they paid Jenkins.

How do you know that?

Lentz's password is on a Post-it on the side of his computer.

(Scoffs) What a dumbass.

And he doesn't even have a PhD.

None of our bosses do.

Lentz only has a master's...

From Florida State.

(Gasps)

(Speaking inaudibly)

(Scoffs)

You know what we should do?

We should bury Lentz up to his neck in foraminiferal ooze. (Laughs) Yeah.

And let the lithification begin.

Or bury him in cat poo.

Yeah.

I know where I can get a ton of it. (Laughs)

Hey.

Hey.

(Door closes)

How was the funeral?

Well, they did it right--

Closed casket, open bar.

Making a sandwich. Are you hungry?

No. Jenkins' widow made all of his favorite foods for the reception.

Yeah, now she cooks.

Hey baby, I'm sorry we have to argue about your work.

I didn't mean to say that you weren't capable or a smart scientist.

No, it's okay.

I found out who I was competing with for the promotion, and my looks may have been a teeny, tiny factor.

That's all I was saying, you know?

But not everyone is... evolved as your husband.

But whatever good being attractive has done me is nothing compared to the advantages that you enjoy every day just by being a man in this society.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

No, it's true. It's true, Mike.

Men have huge advantages.

Men have everything, right?

You might wanna turn around while I, uh, high-five big Jim and the twins.

You know what I found out at the funeral?

They gave me Jenkins' job, but I'm not making nearly his salary.

Honey, if you want more money, ask for it.

If you're worth it, they're gonna pay you because you're worth more.

No, not women. We make 77 cents of the dollar, and that's if we're lucky enough to get the job.

You ever hear of the glass ceiling?

Of course I have. Never seen it, because, of course, it's made out of glass.

So what? It doesn't exist?

I didn't say it didn't exist.

But a lot of women have busted through--

Margaret Thatcher, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

They had to work twice as hard to break through that glass.

Maybe they shouldn't have led with their faces, too.

I heard that.

And if that glass ceiling broke? Who's gonna fix a glass ceiling?

It's gonna be a guy.

No woman's clamoring for that job to climb up on a building in the middle of the night in a rainstorm and fix broken glass.

Yeah, 'cause a woman is smart enough to wait until morning when the storm has passed.

Then the basement's flooded. Then what you got? Black mold.

And who's gonna clean that up? A man.

You know what? I get it. I get it.

No one is clamoring to clean up the black mold.

Exactly.

But a woman just might be qualified to design, uh, I don't know, a store in a mall?

I'm going with McKendree and associates because I know them, and being comfortable with somebody is a--is a qualification.

It's a Catch-22. You will never be comfortable around women unless you start hiring them.

I live around four women.

I'm less and less comfortable every day.

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Hi, guys. (Mouth full) Hi.

We got anything to eat?

Oh, wait. Here comes a plain bagel.

Ha ha ha. (Speaks indistinctly)

(Sighs) So I had a really strange day.

Hmm.

I saw the world through ordinary eyes.

Still bright and luminous, but uncontoured due to lack of eye liner.

You went to school without makeup?

Yeah. It was weird.

I thought people would, like, I don't know, run away from me, but it was the opposite. They wanted to talk to me, and they treated me like I was smart.

Well, you're back home now where we all know better.

You know, Mandy, this is fascinating.

People responded to you differently based on your appearance. Hmm.

I was just making that very point earlier.

I-I didn't hear anything, you're all so darned pretty.

Must've been great, sweetheart, for people to notice you for more than just your looks.

No. Blah. These weird nerdy guys, like, suddenly thought they had a sh*t with me.

And all these teachers were calling on me, expecting answers.

Ugh. It was awful.

But I learned something really important today--

Life is beautiful, but it's more beautiful when you're beautiful.

And I've seen what it means to be Eve for a day.

And, yeah, nobody should have to live like this.

You can have a drawer for your makeup, okay?

All right.

Time to tart myself up and start pulling C's. (Giggles)

Let's grab a shovel.

I'll show you where I buried your stuff.

Well, there you go.

Couldn't have made my point any clearer.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to make it a bit more clear-er.

Our daughter went to school without wearing makeup, and everything was upside down.

Clearer.

Some people liked her more, some people liked her less, but everyone jumped to conclusions based on her appearance, just like you did with the architect.

Here's that comfortable feeling back-- it's Mike's fault.

Mike, it's just the everyday cost of being a woman.

Do me a favor-- go through those architects' proposals.

Don't look at their names, and just choose the best one.

Do it for me and for your three daughters, okay?

May the best man win.

Hey, Mike, hey, I picked up a duck whistle downstairs.

You wanna see a cool trick?

Sure.

(Duck call quacks)

(Laughs)

Guess how I'm blowing it?

I don't wanna know.

(Laughs)

(Quacks)

(Quacks)

(Laughs)

It's just me, Mr. B.

He couldn't make a whistle work with his butt.

(Laughs) But I tried!

(Laughing)

Hey, I thought I'd take you to lunch.

Yeah?

We can cross some t's, dot some i's on that mall deal, huh?

You know, if we go to Bob's classy lady, we could actually see some t's with our own eyes! (Door closes)

Ah, I don't think you're gonna wanna take me to lunch.

I looked at the proposals, and--and, uh, I'm gonna go with another architect for the mall stores.

Wait. Oh, you gotta be kidding. Come on, Mike.

I've been your guy for years.

What happened?

Well, the free market happened, Bill.

I took an unbiased look at all the proposals and I went for the best presentation at the best price.

You just didn't bring your "A" game this time.

I didn't think I had to.

You know my work.

I understand, but this is a business decision.

You know, you just lost fair and square.

That's it. Nothing personal, Bill.

(Exhales) Did Alyssa Warren get the job?

How did you know that?

She's out there flirting with Ed right now.

Come on. Look at her.

She couldn't possibly be any good.

Some guy at her firm's probably doing all the work for her.

Well, maybe you should hire that guy to work for you.

I can't believe it.

Ol' Mike Baxter went P.C. on me.

Hired yourself a lady architect.

Well... (Chuckles) Watch your back, buddy.

Today they got me.

Tomorrow, they're coming after you.

I live with four of 'em. They got me a long time ago.

Should've had boys.

Mike Baxter here-- down here--

For Outdoor Man, where we carry whatever you need for whatever you're hunting, whether it be moose, deer, or manatee.

Where the--where the hell's my manatee?

You'd be surprised. They're pretty good eatin'.

But these days, everyone's gunning for the American white male.

Hello.

I'm an American white male.

This species never gets credit for all it's done, like building hospitals, roads, electrical grid.

This species gets blamed for everything that's nasty-- wars, global warming, hillbilly shows about making moonshine.

Look out, men. The ladies are snapping at your heels.

And did you know that women outnumber men in colleges, 57% to 43%?

That adds up to 100%.

Men, we have to keep busting our ass to stay in this thing.

Otherwise, we'll end up stuffed and mounted on some woman's wall.

You know, I actually really like that hillbilly show, Mr. B.

Of course you do, Kyle.