02x10 - The Help

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Boyd, come on.

Turn off the TV, get ready for school. You're gonna be late.

I don't wanna go.

Why not?

Chelsea King keeps trying to kiss me.

It's gross. (Turns off TV)

I imagine it is gross now, but in a couple years, you're gonna like it.

And after that, it just gets expensive, and then it just stops all of a sudden.

You speak for yourself. I'm still gettin' plenty. Mm.

Hey, thanks again for letting me use your history paper on the civil w*r.

Guaranteed "A." Just don't forget to change the name.

Oh, yeah. Way ahead of you. See?

Hmm...

"How George Washington freed the slaves."

You might have changed the wrong name.

Girls, clear your plates, please.

Honey, call 'em back. Get 'em to clear the plates.

You know what, honey? It's just as easy if I do it myself.

Unless someone wants to help me?

That's a good idea. Why don't you get Mrs. Hall come in an extra couple days?

Mrs. Hall? (Silverware clatters)

Our housekeeper.

Where has she been lately?

Dead.

Since when?

Since right before her funeral...

That we went to?

Actually, you know what, honey?

We should get somebody in here a few days a week to help out.

Boy, a few days? What's the point of having girls if they won't cook and clean for us?

I'm confused. So you think that because we have girls, they should cook and clean for us?

Girls are just better at it.

Guys are terrible at cooking and cleaning.

Have you ever spent time at a frat house?

Oh, yeah.

Then you'd know how bad--

What do you mean, "oh, yeah"? What does that mean?

Hi, guys. You guys are really thinking about getting another housekeeper?

'Cause, I mean, how would you feel about paying me to do it?

We're looking for somebody with a little experience.

But I want to save up some more money.

I need to buy a slightly less-used used car.

But your car isn't that old.

Mom, there's a Spice Girls cassette jammed in the tape player, okay?

I'm not trying to be a mooch here.

I want to work for it.

We're not gonna pay you to clean the house you live in.

All right. Then I guess I'll have to wait on that car.

What about another vehicle?

It's got 8 wheels and seats 50?

I pay for it with my tax dollars, as well as everybody's health care that rides in it?

Ride the bus?

Yeah, if I wanna get groped, I'd work at a diner.

Oh, wait. I already do.

Hey, you know what? The Bertmans moved away, and their housekeeper's available.

She's from Guatemala, she has a Green card, and they loved her.

I'm happy about that-- the Bertmans moving away.

He had a mailbox that looked like his house. What a putz.

We wouldn't need a new housekeeper, if just these girls would step it up a little bit around here.

See you guys. Late for school.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That doesn't go there.

All right. Sorry.

Not there. Not there.

Sorry. Here.

No, no, no. Not there.

No. Stop.

Look. Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

Give me your hand. There you go.

Empty it out. There we go. All the way over here.

Your mom likes to start from the back with the glasses.

See?

Just need an adult brain to work their child's body. (Closes drawer)

No, you know what? It's more work pestering them to do their chores than to just do it myself.

Yeah.

It's kind of like pestering you about a housekeeper.

So bottom line-- you're a nag?

Okay.

Talk to the Bertmans' housekeeper.

If we like her, we'll put her on.

Good, good. Thank you.

Cool. All right.

Okay, thanks. You know what?

If I have to do less housework, then I might have more energy for other stuff, you know, at night.

(Inhales sharply)

Tonight's not good for me.

You know, Mandy is not the only one skimping on her chores. Give me your hand.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

(Whirring)

Oh.

(Turns off vacuum cleaner) Oh, did you want something, Miss Vanessa?

Oh, no, thank you, Blanca. I just need a break.

Working from home used to mean playing hooky, but, uh, teleconferencing has ruined everything.

Am I right, Blanca?

Oh, yes. I was just saying the same thing on the bus this morning. (Chuckles)

Sit and rest. I made you some tea.

Oh, Blanca. That's so sweet.

Thank you so much. Wow. (Knock on door)

Oh. Relax. I'll get it.

Okay. Okay.

Hello. May I help you?

Hi. Is Vanessa home?

Miss Vanessa's having her afternoon tea.

May I ask who's calling?

(Vanessa) Carol?

Hi. Hi.

Hi, hi. Come on in. Hi.

Didn't mean to interrupt your afternoon tea.

(Chuckles) This is, uh, Blanca.

I don't know why she answered the door.

She--she never does that.

Oh, I will try to be better about that, Miss Vanessa.

No. No, no, no. You don't have to.

And--and please, just call me "Vanessa."

I-I don't know why she did that, either.

Come in. Come in.

Yeah, I can't stay long.

Okay.

I tried your white chocolate brownie recipe, and if I'm gonna gain 5 pounds, then so are you. (Laughs)

I'll bring another cup for Miss Carol.

Oh, thanks.

Here. Come on in.

How long have you had a maid?

What? Oh, no. No, no, no.

Uh, Blanca's not a maid.

She just, uh, helps out a few days a week, just, you know, cooking, cleaning.

Like a maid.

Y-you know, I-I don't really like that word.

Blanca--she's more of a friend...

I pay...

To... do... maid stuff.

You know, come on. Sit down. Let's--let's get fat.

Ah, thank you. Here.

Oh, you know what? Blanca, why don't you sit down and join us for some tea? (Clatter)

Oh, no, no. When I sit, I feel lazy.

I'll keep vacuuming.

No, I insist. Come on.

You've been here a week already, and we've hardly had a chance to talk.

So, uh, Blanca, uh, what do you do on your day off?

I celebrate Christmas.

Oh. You need a teacup.

Oh. So here, you take mine, and, uh, I'll get another one.

Oh, I'm sorry. I-I tracked some dirt in.

I-I'll get it.

Blanca, sit, sit, sit, sit.

I know how to use a vacuum.

(Vacuum whirring)

(Gasps)

Oh, God. (Laughs)

(Turns off vacuum cleaner)

Hi. Hi. Mwah.

Hi.

So...

Hi.

Hey, so what's, uh, what's wrong with this picture?

What do you mean?

Yeah, Mike. What exactly is wrong with this picture?

Is this why you hired a housekeeper, to watch you do housework?

Uh, I'm sorry.

No, Blanca, please sit.

I-I'll get everything. Just...

Shouldn't you finish your vacuuming first?

Well, I should go. Although I'd love to stay and watch Vanessa do the windows.

Oh, Carol...

Say hi to Chuck.

Bye-bye.

See you later.

So, honey, uh, how's Blanca working out?

Honey, she is a godsend.

(Mike) Great.

Here you go, Mr. Mike.

I gotta do some work, Blanca. That'd be, uh...

Is that a frosted mug?

Yes, Mr. Mike. An ice-cold beer.

Now sit. You must relax.

Of course I must. Yeah.

What do we got here?

Uh, pecans with chili.

I think you will like the spice of the nuts with the bitterness of the cerveza.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. (Mouth full) I like that.

Oh, yeah.

Let me try a little bitterness.

Hey, I like this. This is good.

How come you never make this for me?

Nuts and beer. I'll ask her for the recipe.

Dad...

Yeah?

So, um, I need $35 for this stupid field trip, and I forgot to turn in this stupid permission slip.

So you're gonna have to--

Eve. Eve.

Deja de molestar a tu padre.

What?

Stop bothering your father.

But he has to sign--

Oh, he doesn't have to do anything, except relax.

He is el padre-- the father.

And he will let you know when he's ready to hear about your field trips.

Uh, Dad?

I think she's got a point, honey.

Okay, new rule-- no one speaks to el padre for a half-hour after--

Eh, eh, eh, eh...

For an hour after work.

Now go do your homework.

But I don't have any homework.

Ay, no quiero oirlo. Vamonos! (Speaks Spanish indistinctly)

"El padre"?

Eh, eh, eh, eh...

Yeah, Vanessa got us a maid-- Blanca.

A maid? Isn't that what daughters are for? Hmm?

That's what I said.

If you ever want to get rid of her, just leave Schwarzenegger's autobiography open to page 214.

That's where he introduces her to his lieutenant governor.

I don't really want to get rid of her.

Vanessa likes her. I like her.

Mm-hmm.

She did a heck of a job on this shirt.

(Sniffs)

Mmm. Smells like the ocean.

Doesn't it?

Yeah.

Feels like a baby's bottom.

Kyle, I'm gonna have to ask you to remove your head from my shoulder. Thanks.

It's just really soft.

It is, right?

She knows her way around some fabric softener.

Yeah, my underwear makes me feel like I'm sitting on a cloud.

And you have to take my word for that.

Looks like this Blanca's really working out, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Gotta respect her, man.

Took her eight years to get her Green Card.

Mm-hmm. Most people never get their Green Cards.

Right, well, we checked everybody around here, right?

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Sales, H.R., Accounting...

Everybody on the loading dock?

Cashiers, Marketing, Management...

And everyone on the loading dock?

I'm sure everything's fine.

J.J. runs a tight ship down there.

Which means you don't know because you never checked, did you, Ed?

I make it a policy not to go looking for trouble.

That's why I don't have prostate exams.

Well, next time you got your head up there, look around.

If we're violating Immigration laws, we're subject to big fines, Ed.

Look, a company as big as ours is bound to use some undocumented workers.

I mean, there's a lot of jobs to fill.

They're affordable, hardworking, and honest.

If they're so honest, why are they willing to go under the floor of a van to get in this country?

They're just trying to better their lives.

You'd do the same.

You'd go to hell and back for your family.

That's the problem-- they never go back.

Where you going, Mike?

Well, I'm gonna try H.R. first.

If there's a mess downstairs, I gotta try to clean this up.

Well, good luck trying to clean up something in this country without using illegals.

Come on! Let's move!

We have ten minutes to unload that truck, because there's another one right behind it! Let's go!

Look how J.J. has this place humming.

It's like synchronized swimming.

I bet swimming is how some of these guys got here.

Hey, look, it's Management! Everybody look busy!

Oh, wait. We already are, 'cause I'm doing my job.

Ed, Mike.

You guys get lost on the way to the golf course?

Actually, we're down here looking for a caddy.

Yeah. (Laughs)

How's it going, man?

Great.

Hey, check out the hands on Martinez.

I think we found the second baseman for our softball team.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm the second baseman.

Why don't we have this awkward conversation later?

I'm sorry for interrupting, J.J., but we have to check everyone's work documents.

What's going on, Ed?

Never bothered me about this stuff before.

Well, it's actually not Ed's idea.

It's for me. I hope you don't mind.

Yeah.

Well, I kind of do. You pay me to get these trucks out on time.

It's gonna take forever for these guys to find all their...

Papers.

Okay. (Clears throat) Uh, let's go, guys.

Guys, I appreciate it.

H.R. needs to take a look at 'em.

I'll have 'em right back to you.

Okay, I've got six right here.

All right. So we got everybody's?

Thanks, guys.

Mike. Uh...

Sorry.

It's gonna be a real drag losing J.J.

He's been around Outdoor Man for over ten years.

I've known him longer than I've known Eve.

Honey, Eve's 14.

Yeah, but she wasn't all that interesting till after she was 5.

(Switch clicks)

You know, aren't you the one who's always saying illegal immigrants are breaking the law, hence the word "illegal"?

I know, but he's part of the Outdoor Man family.

He's practically part of our family.

Gosh, remember that time that he dressed up like the Easter Bunny for the kids?

(Chuckles) Yeah. Tripped over the garden hose on the way out, head popped off. Mandy to this day thinks rabbits have Mexicans inside of them.

Hey, you know what?

I think you have a lot of Mexican inside you.

Why?

Couldn't stop eating Blanca's burritos.

Man. Those didn't have meat.

There was just beans in 'em. They were great.

It's, uh...

It's gonna be a rough night, isn't it?

I should just apologize in advance, shouldn't I?

Yeah, you should.

You know, poor J.J.

Boy, two kids, no job.

And finding a job that's even close to the one he had, it's gonna be impossible.

It's nuts.

Mm.

And then look at Blanca.

She did it the right way, legally, went through channels, became a citizen, you know?

Boy, can she cook. Wow.

Mmm.

Mm.

Oh! Mike! God!

(Laughs)

Control yourself!

Get some matches. (Laughs)

So wait. Blanca's not even coming here today?

She was here yesterday. (Knock on door)

She'll be here tomorrow.

So she's not coming at all?

But she didn't even finish my Spanish homework.

Blanca's doing your Spanish. I'm doing your history.

You know, you should really tell your teachers they're giving us too much homework.

(Knock)

Hey, why don't I get that?

Yeah, I'll get it. You know, 'cause I'm up.

Uh... (Mutters indistinctly)

(Sighs)

(Knock)

Hey, yeah. Power to the people, man. (Chuckles)

Hey.

What's up, Larabee?

Hey, Baxter. I heard you got yourself a maid.

Yeah, well, you know, property values plummeted when you moved in.

I'm trying to spruce it up on the inside.

Are you sure it's not because of that hillbilly truck you always got parked out front with the g*n rack?

Anyway, Carol found out about your maid, and, uh, now we have to get one, too, so thanks for that.

What am I supposed to do?

Not make my wife happy to save you a few bucks?

Well, I'd appreciate that, yeah.

And you wandered down from your house just to tell me that?

No, no, not quite. Is Kristin around?

Oh, hey, Mr. Larabee. Come on in.

Hey, hey. Just came by to drop off the key.

What's the key for?

To my house.

My housekeeper can't get in the house without a key.

Hou--housekeeper?

Uh, hey, I gave you first dibs on my services.

His house doesn't have a bunch of slobby kids.

You got a problem with her cleaning my house, Mike?

I got a problem with her cleaning any house she doesn't live in.

You could pay me what you pay Blanca.

Oh, that's what this is about--

Oh, so you trying to steal my maid, Baxter?

She's not your maid.

I'll just leave you two to sort this out.

See you, Kristin. And thanks, Mike.

You know, this housekeeper thing isn't just making my wife happy.

I'm suddenly pretty happy about it, too.

(Laughs)

(Door closes)

(Knock on door)

Hey, Ed. Did you take care of everything in the loading dock?

I'm promoting Raphael to foreman.

Raphael?

Yeah, the guys seem to look up to him.

Must be the fur around his license plate.

(Knock on door)

Ed. Mike.

Hey, J.J.

Just came by to return my badge...

And my g*n.

I scanned a lot of bar codes with this baby.

I really just came by to say good-bye.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry it went down like this, J.J.

We're gonna miss you.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've got a cousin in Amarillo, got me a job as a dishwasher at a truck stop on I-10.

Get a dog and a cheatin' girlfriend, you got a country song.

It's honest work.

Do what I do for my family.

Yeah. This is nuts, J.J. This is nuts, man.

Oh, hey, it's okay, Mike.

I'm thankful for the ten years I had.

You're a great boss.

And you're a great foreman.

But you're not a dishwasher, man.

You're really not a dishwasher.

I've seen the coffee cup you leave in the sink here.

It's got this crust on you can't even get off.

Do me a favor. Just hang here for a little bit.

Let me have a talk with Ed.

Maybe go try to wash that cup off.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking we need him on the loading dock. (Door closes)

He's too valuable. You gotta keep him somehow.

That's easier said than done, Mike. That's... No. You know what?

Yesterday I looked at the lmmigration web site, and there's a way you can keep him here under sponsorship if they're vital to our business.

That's gonna cost a lot of money.

Well, you got a lot of money, and it was your problem.

You're the one that started this, and you gotta fix this.

Well, okay. You know, this--this just could work out.

This could work out.

Remember I have--I have that great lmmigration lawyer?

All right. Remember my psycho girlfriend Svetlana?

Yeah, well, how great is he?

Yeah.

He got her shipped back to Ukraine.

That's right, and that wasn't easy, because she was born in Kansas.

Hey. Hi, Blanca.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mike.

How are you today?

I'm good.

Wow, you look very happy.

You know what? I am very happy.

Like my uncle after he picked grapes all day and made enough money to buy a whore. Hmm.

I don't know that I'm, uh, whore-happy.

But I might have saved a guy's job today.

(Bottle fizzes)

And that's a really good feeling.

(Bottle cap clatters)

Oh, work is good. A man needs work.

Yeah. (Bottles rattle)

Hey, Blanca, I need two dozen cookies for a bake sale.

Make your own cookies.

There's a tube of crap in there that turns into cookies.

Can't Blanca make 'em from scratch? (Mug clatters)

It'll show how I really care.

Oatmeal raisin, por favor.

Okay. It's okay, Mr. Mike. I don't mind.

I like doing things for people.

Well, you got a very good work ethic, that's why.

Well, you can't afford to be lazy in my country.

You know, when my brother refused to clean my uncle's fishing boat, they buried him in the sand up to his neck, rubbed a fish on his head, and left him to los gatos de la playa.

(Under breath) Los gatos de la playa...

(Normal voice) Beach cats?

Sí.

And those cats are not nice kitties.

I like what I'm hearing. I like what I'm hearing.

And I'm not usually a cat guy.

Ah, hey.

Hi, baby.

What a day at work.

Nice to see a friendly face. Yeah, I know what you mean.

I was talking about Blanca.

So was I.

Oh...

Here's your dress, Miss Mandy.

I fixed the hem and sewed on a button.

Aw. You didn't have time to iron it?

Oh, well, it's faster to steam it.

Come. We'll hang it in the shower.

You see what's happening here?

We're paying someone to teach our kids how not to work.

We can't continue this way with Blanca.

Honey, what are you suggesting?

I am not giving her up. I can't go back.

Hey, hey, hey...

No, I can't.

Oh, hey, Boyd, honey, you dropped your napkin.

It's okay. Blanca will pick it up.

Hold it. Ho, ho, ho. Get over here a second.

What do you mean, "Blanca will pick it up"?

What are you talking about?

She's my clean-up girl.

Oh, is she? Oh. Hold on a second.

Hey, Blanca, would you bring the girls?

Girls, girls, get in here a second!

Mike. Mike, honey, Mike, please...

Just--just give me a second.

Just don't do anything rash, all right?

If you gotta get rid of somebody, pick one of the kids.

Blanca, just for a second.

Listen. Girls, you're part of this, too.

You do a great job around here.

What you've done is turned my kind of lazy girls into real lazy girls.

Um, in fairness to Blanca, though, I was already pretty lazy.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to treat my kids like your uncle treated your brother.

Well, you don't mean...

Release the beach cats.

I wanna start with Boyd and that paper he dropped on the floor.

Okay. Mijo, pick that up. Put it in the trash.

Eve, preheat the timer for 350 and take out the cookie dough.

Mandy, go upstairs, start the shower to steam your dress.

Let's go! Move it! Come on! Rápido!

But, Blanca, I...

Ah-ah-ah!

And if anyone talks back to me, I will laugh as the cats claw out your eyes!

Not my eyes!

All right, hey, hey.

You might wanna tone down the cat-eye-scratching thing.

No. I will do the... (Speaks indistinctly)

Mm. I love that show.

(Crunching) Yeah. We totally have to come up with an idea for "Shark t*nk."

Mm-hmm.

We should invent a giant glass bowl...

Okay.

And fill it with water...

Yeah.

Where predatory sea creatures could live.

Hmm. Pretty good.

Yeah.

I like it. I don't, like, love it, but...

Oh, my God.

Oh!

You were describing an actual shark t*nk!

(Laughs)

Oh, wow.

Uh, chicas...

Huh?

Let's go. limpia todo.

Sorry.

Recógelo. Rápido, rápido.

No quieres los beach cats. (hisses)