02x11 - Mike's Pole

[bunniefuu]

All right, here on February 6th, we celebrate the birthday of America's greatest football player, Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan? I thought he only played football in the movies.

(Imitating Ronald Reagan) Well, there you go again.

(Laughs)

(Normal voice) He played center for Eureka College.

Those days, believe it or not, they played without helmets. (Vanessa) Hmm.

Oh. That explains trickle-down economics.

(Speaks inaudibly)

My face is all stingy.

All right.

Can we please just do this, okay?

'Cause you put up the stupid pole weeks ago, and so far it's just been a magnet for every moron with a tongue.

Oh... that's weird. (Shivers)

Usually you're the magnet for every moron with a tongue.

(Vanessa) Hey.

All right, enough of this.

Boyd, how about the Pledge of Allegiance? Ready?

Uh, actually, Boyd hasn't learned the pledge.

What?

What? Why? Don't they say it every morning in school?

Hey, honey...

Does he have some retention problems?

(Sighs) 'Cause we could get him tested.

No.

Yeah?

He's fine. I promise, okay?

H-his dad wrote a note excusing him from participating.

(Inhales) Ryan objects to the words "God"...

(Exhales) "Flag," and pretty much all the other words.

Well, it takes a certain kind of jackass to be offended by liberty and justice. (Sighs)

Honey, will you go inside?

Good idea. (Shrieks)

I was talking to Boyd.

Uh... well, come on, come on.

Grandma's gonna make you a hot bowl of oatmeal.

(Sighs) Can we come back when Grandpa stops being mad at Daddy?

Oh, that's sweet. (Chuckles) He thinks he's gonna stop.

Why do you let Ryan call the sh*ts with Boyd?

Sometimes parents have to compromise.

I-I gave in to Ryan on the pledge, and in return, Boyd doesn't have to use unbleached toilet paper.

(Leash rattles)

Hey, Larabee.

(Dog panting) There's just certain things, like toilet paper and presidents, should be white, right?

There were white presidents?

It's been so long, it's hard to remember.

(Laughing)

Hello, ladies.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, finally got a flag for that pole, huh, Baxter?

That's right. You're just the man I was looking for.

A 6'3" black man in the snow shouldn't be too hard to find.

I meant an ex-marine. And you're not 6'3".

Well, I put my life on the line in Gulf One.

I can be as tall as I want.

Listen.

(Shivering) When you don't have your kid say Pledge of Allegiance to the flag, you disrespect everything a soldier like this does, even though he lies about his height.

I meant no disrespect, Mr. Larabee.

A-and just so you know, out of all the Gulf wars, Gulf One was my favorite.

Hmm. Don't pay attention to her.

These kids, they have a problem being patriotic.

Kids are idiots.

I know, 'cause I'm on the inside. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

So, wow, you were a Marine, Mr. Larabee?

Mm-hmm.

Did you carry an M16A2? Those babies have some range.

I like the A1-- in the field and on my sirloin.

(Laughs)

The Marines like that joke.

Which is why the army's the go-to branch for comedy, my friend.

All right.

Semper Fi. (Chuckles)

Hey.

You know, your pole's too small, by the way.

How do you know that?

For that flag.

You should check the flag code.

You really need a bigger pole.

Like mine. It's 30 feet.

Lot of people lie about that, too!

(Whispering) Boyd!

Hey, Dad!

Shh! Not so loud, buddy!

Hey, do me a favor. Grab your stuff, say good-bye, and meet me out front, okay?

Why?

Because he's trying to avoid me, and like everything else, he's really bad at it.

(Normal voice) That's why.

What do you have against the kid saying the Pledge of Allegiance?

It's indoctrination, man.

It's a pledge. Of allegiance.

To the flag.

You might want to write this down.

Of the United States of America.

Mike, stop. Stop it.

And to the Republic--

Boyd, will you do Daddy a favor and go in the other room?

I know, I know. I'll be in the other room.

(Sighs) Mike, I am trying to raise Boyd to think for himself.

I don't like the school forcing him to say something.

But you're forcing him not to say something.

Isn't that indoctrination, man?

You know, what I'm wondering is, when all these kids are saying the Pledge of Allegiance, is Boyd just standing there with his fingers in his ears humming "Old MacDonald"?

No. He and Sebastian wait out in the hallway until everyone's done.

Oh.

See, Sebastian's a Jehovah's Witness and objects on religious grounds. (Vanessa) Ahh.

How does Sebastian know when to go back into the class?

He just waits for a real inconvenient time to ring the doorbell a hundred times?

Okay, well, you know, I would love to stay, but, uh... Oh, who am I kidding?

Boyd, come on, buddy.

What do you have against the flag, anyway?

Because to most of the world, that flag has come to stand for w*r and conquest.

Right. Like that time when Neil Armstrong planted that flag right after slaughtering all those moon people.

Mike, if the flag stood for anything else, you'd fly it every day, and not just those days that salute our m*llitary and its leaders.

You actually have a point there. And you know what?

I'm gonna start flying that flag every day.

If you're not gonna teach that kid some patriotism, grandpa's gonna.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Eve.

What's up, Boyd?

They're fighting again.

We are not fighting, son. We're having a discussion.

No, we're fighting, and I'm winning. That's what the--

Uh, Boyd, honey...

I know, I know.

Go upstairs and get my backpack.

Hi, sweetie. How was your day?

Hi.

Um, can you sign this? I'm transferring out of Art.

Every little mistake I make, Mr. Fahey's all up in my face.

Mm.

He's like a drill sergeant.

Yeah. So I'm switching to Junior ROTC.

ROTC? Really?

Playing at w*r is your idea of high school fun?

Well, we know what your idea of high school fun was-- it just ran upstairs to get a backpack.

(Mouths word)

Well, Dad, I was-- I was thinking about what you and Mr. Larabee said about honoring the flag, and...

Yeah.

I'm not ashamed to be a patriot.

Yeah, yeah. This is the face of someone who loves her country, right here.

And we get to sh**t r*fles and wear uniforms that really freak out the stoners.

Junior ROTC.

Mike, I don't want her to end up in the army.

Baby, she's 14. And legend has it that 14-year-olds change their minds now and then.

Drill marches, field exercises...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

g*n training--I hate it.

Listen, we both agreed that whatever the girls want to do, we're gonna support them in their path, correct?

Yeah, why do you only remember what I say when it benefits you?

Your question had the answer built right in.

She's not gonna join the army.

And if she did, she'd have the skills.

Thanks to me, she can sh**t and survive.

And thanks to you, she can tolerate bland food.

Oh, ha ha ha.

(Knock on door)

Yeah?

Come in.

Hey.

Hey.

So, uh, Dad, I was just reading this flag code, and it says ideally you should raise it at sunrise.

Well, I'll be out there with you.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night. Love you.

(Sighs) Do you realize... (Sighs)

You just promised to get up every day before sunrise to raise that flag?

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Well, I'm not like some people who've made promises in this bed they haven't kept.

(Clicks switch)

What?!

Good night.

(Alarm ringing)

("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing)

(Ropes whooshing)

(Whooshing)

(Whooshing continues)

♪

(Mouths word)

(Clanging)

(Laughs)

(Mike mocks laugh)

♪

(Speaks inaudibly)

♪

(Revs)

(Chain saw roaring)

(Alarm ringing)

(Turns off alarm, clattering)

(Groans)

(Muttering and groans)

(Sighs)

(Drowsily)

Have fun with your flag, dear.

Yeah.

(Groans) Yeah.

Hey, Grandpa!

Hey. Slow down.

Don't slip, don't slip, don't slip, don't slip.

(Clicks tongue) Well, there's Old Glory again.

Yeah, you can just call me Mike.

Look. Every time Boyd looks out his window, what's he see? The beautiful Stars and Stripes.

Yeah, 'cause, uh, who wants to look out and see the sunrise and nature?

He'll get plenty of time to see nature when I teach him how to hunt.

We'll strap some nature to the front of my truck and drive it right to your house.

Hey, Baxter, how's your cute little pole?

Hey, Larabee, it's not the size of your pole.

It's how you fly your flag.

Hey, come on over. I want you to meet my grandson's dad.

Hey! So you're the baby daddy.

(Chuckles)

(Exhales)

Ryan Vogelson. Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Hey.

So, Dad who won't let his son say the Pledge of Allegiance, why don't you meet a big ex-marine? Have at him.

I admire that you stand up for your principles.

No, you don't.

I do! I-I fought for America.

And to me, those stars don't just represent 50 states.

They represent different beliefs, and I fought for them all.

You see, Mike? I am just as much a patriot as you are.

No, you're not.

I admire that you take a stand, but until you sit in the back of a Bradley and brace for an incoming RPG, you respect that flag.

Boom!

It was nice to meet you, sir.

There's some burn cream in the girls' bathroom.

Wow, I've been waiting for that.

Boy, I'll tell you, that was beautiful!

That was beautiful! (Laughs)

Well, I admit, I did kind of enjoy that.

(Laughs)

You know, you don't have to fly this every day...

Unless your house is a post office.

Well, it is kind of like a post office.

I got, you know, more women than bathrooms, so a lot of times you wait in line to, you know, drop stuff off.

(Laughs)

I just do this to teach the kids a little about patriotism.

Getting up at sunrise, bringing her down at sunset.

And when it rains. What?

This is not an all-weather flag you got here, and I got a little piece of shrapnel in my leg that says storm's a-comin'.

Y-you really enjoy this, don't you?

(Laughs) Yeah.

Almost as much as when that fella in my old neighborhood put up that Confederate flag.

Rained a little bit on that one myself.

(g*nf*re on videogame)

Oh, my God!

I can't believe I never played this before! Ahh!

Wow. w*r is so much fun. (g*nf*re continues)

Boom! I am k*lling everything in sight.

Seriously, look. (Clicking)

(Laughs) I'm k*lling everything.

Your guy got his head blown off the second we started playing.

Oh, man, that was me? Tsk. When do I get another guy?

Right now. Go.

Oh! Yeah!

(g*nf*re continues)

(Squeals)

And you're dead again.

Ohh!

Ooh! Ah, look at my little girls playing together.

Wading through human entrails.

(Explosions)

Hey, Mom, check it out.

Look at my new ROTC uniform.

Wow, it looks like a real soldier's uniform.

I know. Isn't it awesome? (Giggles)

Yeah, if it were 1989 and you were Janet Jackson. (Laughs)

(Mouths word)

Burn! (Laughs)

So, uh, this is my dress uniform, and I'll be in camo when I'm in country as a sn*per.

Yeah, I decided I wanted to be a sn*per.

Oh. Well, that's words every little girl's mother longs to hear.

Yeah.

But not just any sn*per, Mom.

I'm gonna be the first female sn*per in the Marine Corps.

Ohh.

You always told me to do what I love, right?

Uh... I know, honey, but that was when you wanted to be a mermaid.

You know, it's... (Sighs)

Something realistic.

Mom, I get it. You're worried.

Yeah.

But it's--it's a long way off, and who knows?

I might change my mind between now and then.

(Clicks tongue) All right. Thanks.

That makes me feel better, honey. Thanks.

Yeah. (g*nf*re resumes)

I might even want to be a SEAL.

That's practically a mermaid.

(Sighs)

Let me get this straight.

Eve wants to be a jarhead?

Yeah.

A Marine sn*per?

Yeah.

And the way Vanessa's reacting, you'd think the kid was in Kandahar taking sh*ts at people right now.

Yeah? (Chuckles)

Well, I'm with Vanessa on this one.

Why?

I don't think women should be soldiers, priests, or Peter Pan.

Come on, Cathy Rigby, uh, Mary Martin-- the name's Peter, for crying out loud!

I'm just saying, if one of my daughters wants to have a career in the m*llitary, I'm not okay with people telling her that she can't.

Ah...

(Cell phone rings)

Hold on a second. Just a minute. Speaking of the devil.

Hey, Eve, we were just talking about you.

Oh, all right. I'll go take it down.

Okay. I gotta leave early in a minute.

What's going on?

Oh, she's really into this m*llitary stuff.

It's raining. I gotta take the flag down.

You know, when I was in 'Nam, I couldn't imagine fighting alongside a lady.

I mean, you win wars with boots on the ground, Mike.

Boots, not high heels.

(Door closes)

Hey, what are you doing home?

I came home because it was raining.

I was supposed to take the flag down, but it's not there.

Somebody steal it?

(Chuckles) No, Eve already took it down.

(Vanessa typing)

Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Good.

Mm.

Uh... Dad?

Okay, I'm really sorry, but it was raining, and the flag slipped out of my hand and landed in the mud.

It's okay to wash this.

You know, those colors don't run from anything.

Except bleach.

Ohh.

Ohh. Well...

Looks like we've lost two states.

Let's just hope it's New York and California, huh?

I'm really sorry, Dad, but according to the flag code, it has to be destroyed.

Oh.

Oh. Honey, don't worry. We can get another one.

No, no. Why? There's no reason.

It's--it's--this is important to me emotionally, 'cause it flew over the White House.

It's one of those... Uh, Reagan flags.

You know, like Reagan, it's irreplaceable.

I saw three on eBay.

Did you now?

Yeah.

I have to... process this, this loss.

Mm.

So I think it would be too soon to get another flag on eBay.

Okay.

Well, we should take it to the VFW for proper disposal.

Ed's a veteran. He'll take us there.

I'll go put on my uniform.

Ooh-rah!

Heh heh.

Admit it, a part of you is really happy this flag got messed up so you don't have to deal with it anymore.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah? Well, your birthday's coming up!

I don't want a flag.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Ed) Welcome. Here you go. Huh?

Whoa!

Here you are.

Cool.

Hey.

So all these guys have seen action?

Yeah, yeah, everybody but Rigley.

He still lives with his mom.

I'm pretty sure she meant combat action.

Ahh.

Hey. You know what these things are?

Yeah. That's a Stealth bomber.

And that's the "Nautilus."

Mm.

The first nuclear-powered submarine.

Hmm.

Who's that? General Patton?

No, that's, uh, General Bob Hope.

Yes. I saw his USO show in 'Nam.

He bombed more than LBJ.

But that Ann-Margret... (Snarls)

She reminded us what we were fighting for.

(Laughs) Yeah.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Stevens, how are you? (Laughs) How you doing, man?

My friend Mike Baxter.

Hey.

Mike, how do you do?

Pleasure.

It's good to meet you.

His daughter Eve.

Hi, Eve. How are you?

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

Honor to meet you, ma'am.

Hey, Mike, Ed told me about your flag.

Oh, a little accident at home, and we just wanted to make sure it's disposed of properly.

Yeah. You know, there might be something we can do to repair this.

No, there's no reason to repair it. You really-- you've done enough.

I just want to do it the right way, let it go.

Come on. Let me show you how to do it. All right. We'll be right back.

Okay. Come with me. Come with me. Belly up, kiddo. (Laughs)

(Sighs) Here we go.

Barkeep, two beers-- one regular, one root.

Mr. Alzate, I got your root beer.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Eve Baxter. (Exhales)

(Chuckles) And I'm Ed Alzate. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Hello, Eve Baxter. Hello, Ed.

How are you?

I'm Jean.

So, Junior ROTC, huh?

Yeah.

That's how I got my start.

Were you in the w*r?

Sure, but mostly I'm here to meet guys.

(Ed clears throat)

(lndistinct conversations)

I never thought I would miss lraq.

(Ed chuckles)

Well, what did you do there, if you don't mind me asking?

I was an Armory Gunner on a convoy.

Wow.

Do you know what a SAW is?

Squad a*t*matic w*apon.

Belt-fed, gas-operated machine g*n.

(Breathes sharply) Yeah, it's my w*apon of choice in "Call of Duty."

(Chuckles)

Well, it was my w*apon of choice protecting my convoys.

You were a point gunner on a convoy?

Yeah. 41 trips back and forth to the Green Zone, and everyone came home safe.

Whew.

Must have been intense.

Not nearly as intense as trip 42.

Hey.

Hey.

Whoa.

(Door opens)

(Vanessa) Hi!

Hey. You hungry? Got some pizza in the kitchen.

Okay.

(Breathes sharply) How did it go?

Oh... well, we got rid of the flag properly.

Met a lot of veterans. Couple guys from World w*r II.

And then we got this rambling Vietnam veteran.

But you know Ed. Wouldn't shut up.

And then an Armory Gunner from lraq, a woman.

She lost both her legs.

Oh, thank God.

Honey.

Uh, no, wait a minute. Sorry. Uh...

No, but that--that came out wrong.

Yeah.

No, I was hoping that Eve would meet some real vets and it would put her off of this whole sn*per business.

She was pretty quiet in the car on the way home.

Yeah.

Eve, honey?

Yep?

Come here.

(Exhales) You okay?

Yeah.

The VFW was intense.

Yeah.

This Marine stuff isn't just some videogame.

What I saw today was real.

Maybe we can get you back into that art class, huh?

Forget that.

Meeting that gunner today was really inspiring, so, Dad, can you take me target sh**ting this weekend?

And, Mom, I'm gonna need some head-sized melons.

Grandpa!

Dad.

Hey, buddy.

(Chuckles) How you doing?

Sorry about your flag, Grandpa.

Well, thank you.

Boyd felt bad about you having to destroy it, so he had an idea. Right?

Right.

You ready?

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, the word that's hard to say...

(Mike laughs)

...with liberty and justice for all.

There you go.

(Boyd and Mike laughing)

How was that, Grandpa?

That was absolutely perfect. (Vanessa) Mm.

Aw. How come it's perfect for him, but when I forget the words, you're all over me?

(Mike laughing)

Boyd, that was great!

Now you can say with the rest of your class at school, huh?

No, I don't want to.

No, it's okay, sweetie. Your dad said he was fine with it.

But if I stay in the classroom, Sebastian will have to stay out in the hall by himself.

I think it would make him feel bad.

Aw. Aw, honey! You are the greatest! (Grunts)

(Chuckling)

No man left behind.

He's gonna be a future marine like me.

Over my dead body.

Everybody, pizza in the kitchen.

Get it while it's hot.

Yeah!

Let's go.

Hey, Eve.

Sit down. I want to talk to you for a minute.

(Groans)

This isn't the sex talk, is it?

'Cause between Kristin, Mandy, and the lnternet, I already know more than I'd like to.

No. No.

Listen.

If you did want to become the first female Marine Corps sn*per, your mom and I would be very proud of you.

I won't let you down, Dad.

But if you also decide to be a doctor or a-a non-union teacher...

Or, what the heck, even a union schoolteacher, we'd still be very, very proud of you.

Thanks.

But I'm a Baxter.

Yeah.

We kick ass and take names.

Yeah, but you know who kicks ass and takes names?

You know, Ariel the mermaid.

She's, uh, tougher than she looks.

(Knock on door)

Hey, Larabee, come on in.

Hey, Baxter.

How you doing?

Hey.

Hey. Now, hey, I heard about what happened to your flag, and I felt bad, so I-- I got you a little something.

Hey, don't worry. It's not another flag.

Oh, that's too bad, 'cause I could have used one, you know?

Yeah.

This is too--

Oh, that's right!

It is another flag!

Heh heh.

Heh.

It's--yes, it's beautiful. It's really nice. Uh...

You really shouldn't have.

Well, thanks, Mr. Larabee! (Mike) Yeah.

And, Eve, this is for you.

(Exhales) Thanks.

Yeah.

What's the fun of getting up at dawn if you don't have your very own...

Bugle!

Ohh!

(Bugle playing out of tune)