02x12 - Quarterback Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad, check it out-- our school's quarterback, Greg Archer, has narrowed his choice of colleges down to five.

Boy, that kid's quite an athlete, huh?

Yeah.

Mandy's tried some of her better moves on him.

But he's a good open-field runner.

He always gets away.

So you like this boy, Mandy?

Ugh, so do all the other girls in my school.

And most of the guys in drama club.

And Miss Jensen, the librarian...

Uh, before she got fired.

Yeah. This kid's been to a library.

Definitely not her type.

It's too bad. This guy's got a lot of possibilities.

Unlike the parade of losers usually sniffin' around you girls.

Mornin', Baxters.

Here's the grand marshal.

You bring it?

Yep.

Brand-new, laser-sighted r*fle scope.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

It's rabbit season, boy, and fur is gonna be flyin'.

There's a little "pop-pop," and then that fur just lays there.

Thank God we've got engineers working day and night to improve our odds against the mighty rabbit.

I come from a generation of hunters who are tired of bugs bunny embarrassing Elmer Fudd.

It's payback time, baby. Payback.

Here. Let me get that, Kristin.

You know, you tried to "get that" when you were dating.

I think it's time to leave it alone.

Thank you, Kyle. Gentleman, as always.

Hey, Dad, do you think I could use that scope to take out that gopher in the backyard?

So now we're at w*r with all harmless little creatures?

Uh, if you rolled your ankle in a gopher hole, you'd be gunnin' up, too.

Hey-o!

Ugh. Speaking of hairy rodents who've become quite annoying...

Uh, are these for anybody? (Crunches)

It's our fault for leaving food lying around.

Is Boyd ready for school?

Almost. Ryan, you remember Kyle?

Hey, man.

Oh, yeah.

The guy who humiliated himself by proposing to you last Christmas?

(Chuckles)

Classic.

I prefer to remember the positives of that night.

Baxters gave me a $20 gift card to Funanigan's.

Hey. Oh, wow. Hey, Ryan, Kyle. Hi.

Morning, Mrs. B. Hi, Mandy.

Hey.

Hey, can you go see if Boyd is dressed?

Sure, honey. It's--it's "Kristin."

"Sure, Kristin."

All right, well, I better hit it before that scope gets mounted.

I do not enjoy the game with the little red dot on my chest.

Don't.

(Laughs)

Oh, you're so good at it, though.

You almost got it this time!

Why do you have to pick on Kyle?

Because Ryan left the room.

When are you girls gonna date a go-getter?

I mean, a guy that might actually take care of you?

(Both) Take care of us?

Yeah. I mean somebody with ambition.

When I was in high school, I had all sorts of jobs.

I was working all the time-- mowing lawns, raking leaves.

Teenage boys were the illegal aliens of the '70s.

Mike, we didn't raise our girls to believe they need a man to take care of them.

Then it'll come as a complete surprise.

Dad, you taught us to be self-sufficient.

And yet you're all still here.

I'm 14.

I have a child.

I'm here a lot less than you think.

Hey, Ed, I got a promotional idea.

I'm all ears.

It just looks like that 'cause you got no hair.

Listen, see the blond kid out here?

Yeah.

He's not one of our guys. He still has life in his eyes.

Right. I wanna hire him.

You mean you wanna hire somebody to stand around the store and look pretty?

No, that's my job.

No, this kid is the best quarterback Woodbridge High has ever seen.

He's like a local celebrity. This is marketing 101.

On national signing day, he can pick his college, and put it on TV right here at Outdoor Man.

All right. Well, I love that idea.

What's national signing day?

Ed, national signing day for high school athletes, where they pick the colleges that gave 'em the most money under the table.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Oh, Mike, it was different in my day.

The only perk you got was a wink from your favorite gal in the stands and a pat on the rump from the coach.

Yeah. Yeah.

You played clarinet in the marching band, right?

So what's with you and the coach?

Greg, looks like you made the team.

Greg Archer, this is Ed Alzate, he owns the store.

Pleasure to meet you.

My pleasure.

Thanks for the opportunity, sir.

Greg Archer's pumped to be here.

Well, we appreciate your enthusiasm.

Good. Why don't you go see Louise in H.R. downstairs?

Sign some papers.

We deal with g*ns, so you're gonna get fingerprinted.

Louise is also gonna pat you down.

Has--has nothing to do with the job.

She's gotten a little handsy since her husband passed away.

Kyle, this is Greg Archer.

Kyle's gonna show you the ropes.

How you doing, man?

Oh, yeah. Follow me.

Most of the ropes are in boating and sailing supplies.

You got your cotton, your jute, twines, nylon...

So, you play football, huh?

Sport of kings. The national pastime.

The rumble in the jungle.

Nope. It's none of those things.

So mainly what we do around here is restock items after they've been sold.

Straighten up shelves after the customers are done browsing.

(Chuckles) Yeah, sorry. I don't wanna do that.

Yeah, I get it. It can be a real drag.

But it's not that bad if you make it into sort of a game.

I mean... I'm not going to do that.

Oh, okay.

Game over.

Okay.

So which one of these tents is the most comfortable to sleep in?

That's a good question. A customer may ask.

No, I'm gonna rack out.

Greg Archer's actually pretty b*at.

I thought you were Greg Archer.

Wake me when it's lunch.

Sure.

Yeah.

(Tent door zips)

Great first three minutes.

Ooh. Kyle, hey.

Hey, Mandy.

Hey.

Wow, you look really pretty.

Aw.

You could be a model, or work in a dentist's office.

Aw.

Thank you, Kyle. Um, I'm looking for Greg Archer.

I heard he was working here now.

Yeah, I heard that, too.

So far I haven't seen much of it.

But everybody's pretty excited to have him around.

Mr. Alzate even gave him my locker.

I have to keep my lunch in my pockets.

Want some grapes?

No, thanks.

So do you know where he is right now, or...

Uh, could be anywhere.

He might have gone out to get some medicine for that gross thing on his lip.

This is too perfect.

I've been trying to get him alone for months.

At school, he's always surrounded by skanks.

Yeah. We don't get many skanks here at Outdoor Man.

As a rule, skanks are pretty indoorsy.

But now that your dad's Greg's boss, that makes you off-limits, right?

Oh, that's really good. Yeah, I'm off-limits.

You have to say that around him, like, a bunch of times.

Be like, "Mandy's off-limits. Mandy's forbidden."

And that way, he'll respect your father's wishes and stay away from you?

(Laughs) Kyle, you're so nice.

You have no idea how a bad boy thinks.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I've got some skeletons in my closet.

Oh, yeah?

Hamsters, mostly.

I don't know why I keep them.

I'm gonna go look for Greg now.

This has nothing to do with that fun hamster story.

(Clicks, jingles)

Well, there you go, young lady.

Possibly the only kid on the block with a $900 scope on a $99 pellet r*fle.

I'm gonna bury that gopher in one of his own holes.

I wonder if gophers get irony.

Not the dead ones.

Listen, I'd let you use one of the big boys, but you know, your mom has her "rules."

So, uh, now that Greg Archer's at the store, I guess you've got some inside track on getting him to choose Michigan?

University of Michigan sells itself.

Tom Brady, Gerald Ford-- both of 'em married hot chicks that loved to party.

Yeah, Greg Archer's good, but if he goes to U of M, he better take Tony Pearce and Scott McGregor with him.

Tony protects Greg's blind side and Scott catches every wounded duck he throws.

But he never mentions 'em in any interviews.

It's always "Greg Archer's in the zone. Greg Archer's pumped."

Talks about himself in the third person.

Yeah, I noticed that.

It's kind of weird, isn't it?

(Sighs) Yeah, I know.

(Clicks) Eve Baxter out.

(Door opens)

Oh, yeah.

(Kristin) Hey, bud.

Mom, where's Aunt Eve going with a g*n?

Uh, up on the roof, honey.

Cool.

What? Would you rather I said my sister's trying to blow the head off of a gopher?

No, it's not that. It's...

What's up with this Kyle guy anyway?

Are you guys a... thing again?

I'm not sure that's any of your business.

Oh. Oh, I'm not asking out of any romantic interest in you.

Oh.

You know, I think it's important, as Boyd's father, that there not be a revolving door of "uncles" running through his life.

Wow.

So having a baby at 17 makes me easy?

Trust me, no one's ever gonna call you "easy."

Wow.

No, I-I just mean you're-- you're a difficult person.

You know, ask anybody.

Again, wow.

You know what? I should go.

No.

I'm not seeing Kyle.

We're--we're just friends.

What about you?

I barely know Kyle.

I mean, he's cute and all, but not...

No. I'm not seeing anyone.

(Door closes)

Here's a question I never thought I'd ask-- what is our 14-year-old doing on the roof with a r*fle?

sn*pers seek the high ground. It expands their k*ll zone.

It's a pellet g*n, not a r*fle.

(Door opens)

(Singsongy) Guess who's got a date with Greg Archer?

Hey, wow. You finally reeled him in, huh?

Yep. It's all about the bait.

Practically jumped right into the boat.

Well, you must be happy, huh?

All your complaining about our daughters' boyfriends, and Mandy snags your perfect guy.

Ah, might not be "perfect."

Oh, all right. Here we go. Here it is.

All right, come on. Come on, I knew there'd be something. Go ahead.

I'm just... (Lowered voice) I'm just saying he might not be what he seems to be.

Honey, he seems to be a sports hero bound for college.

What horrible crime did he commit?

He talks about himself in the third person.

Oh.

Son of a bitch.

Every time I looked for him today, he was missing.

He dumped all his workload on Kyle.

He's done the impossible.

He's actually made Kyle look like an overachiever.

I bet he isn't as bad as you say he is.

What do you know about picking guys?

Just 'cause you nailed it perfectly 25 years ago.

You know what, honey? You just have to accept that your daughters are gonna like boys whether you like them or not.

Unless, of course, they join a convent, and then they can be married to Jesus.

Would you be okay with him?

I'd still wanna meet his father.

(Door closes)

Mike, look at this-- increased foot traffic since we hired Greg.

I'm liking this kid.

You're not pattin' him on the butt, are you?

You really gotta break that cycle.

I'm just saying you were right.

Everybody wants a glimpse of him.

I'd like a glimpse of him, too-- actually doing his job.

Oh, so now you're downing your quarterback, huh?

Even though he and Mandy have a date tonight?

How do you know that?

Oh, Mandy and I are Facebook pals.

I asked her to be my friend. She said yes.

We call it "friending."

You should call it frightening.

Oh.

Mandy has thousands of friends on the world wide web.

As a parent, you're always frightened that one of him's gonna be a weird old man. (Sighs)

You know, maybe I'm being hard on this kid just because Mandy likes him.

But if he's not doing his job, we need to straighten him out.

All right. We just gotta kick his ass a little bit.

Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack.

Doesn't do them any good.

I mean, 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns.

(Ed) Don't knock the Browns, Mike.

If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.

I'm just saying a kid like this, if he doesn't make it into the pros, he's gonna lack the one thing that could help his life out-- is a work ethic.

All right.

Kyle, shouldn't the quarterback be helping you with that?

Or anyone. Any help would be great.

Come on. That's a 2-man job there.

I couldn't agree more.

There he is. Attending a customer.

Yeah, no coincidence that her rack is bigger than that 14-point elk over there.

Hey, Greg! Got a minute?

Guess I'll see you around, Miss Jensen.

The library hasn't been the same without you.

Any time now, Greg.

I was just checking to see if she had more than two items in the dressing room.

I think we all know what two items you were checking out.

Whoa. Why are you riding Greg Archer?

Whoa. Because Mike Baxter's had enough of this.

You're hitting on women in the store?

Meanwhile this poor slob's doing the work of two guys.

Yep, you got that right. It's a 2-person deal here.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

You gotta be more like Kyle on the sales floor here.

That guy?

That guy.

In five years, he'll still be walkin' around with grapes in his pocket.

And Greg Archer will be in the NFL.

That's my T.D. celebration. Get it?

"Archer." (Chuckles)

Nice sh*t. You hit the sign that says "You're fired."

Look again. The sign says, "Greg Archer quits."

Tell Mandy I'll see her at 8:00.

What the hell just happened here?

(Door opens)

Hey, Dad. Chamber clear. Lock her up.

Uh, can we please not throw g*ns in the house?

Listen, I wanna talk about Greg Archer and Mandy.

You wanna put the r*fle away first?

I get it. You don't like this guy, but please, let's not overreact.

Well, it might be too late. I fired him today.

What, out of a cannon?

I saw him with a customer, all right?

Was he supposed to be with customers?

Following her into the ladies' dressing room?

This guy's got no character. He's a real skeevy guy.

All right, well, you know what? He--he might be a bum, but we should let Mandy figure that out for herself.

Or we could do that other thing. (Snaps fingers)

What do they call that?

What--it's called parenting.

Oh.

Honey, Mandy is 18 years old. She's a smart person.

No, she's not.

But-- with boys and dating, yeah, she's smart--

You know she's on the lnternet with creepy old men?

If you're talking about Ed, yes, I know.

Will you tell him that I am not interested in "Farmville," and--and I'm not gonna watch his chickens when he's out of town.

What are you talking about?

"Farmville"...

So we're not gonna do anything about this?

Honey, you gotta see this from Mandy's perspective, okay?

The more you tell her that this guy's off-limits, the more appealing he's gonna be to her.

I get all--I understand all that. Right.

I was on the fence about you until my father said, "Stay away from that left-wing hippie, Mike Baxter."

(Chuckles) Wow. That was a long time ago.

Yeah, well, you're gonna drive her right into his arms.

Well, I've gotta say something to her. Mandy!

(Mandy) Just a minute!

Oh, honey...

Listen, we already have a cautionary tale wandering around here, eating goldfish crackers and watching cartoons.

Oh, honey, we love Boyd.

I'm talking about Boyd's dad.

These jerk boyfriends have a way of just hangin' out around here.

Well, Mandy is not Kristin, okay?

She's gonna make her own set of mistakes.

And you're the one who's always saying we shouldn't baby the kids.

Till they actually come home with babies. - Well...

Mandy is not gonna get pregnant.

How do you know she's not gonna get pregnant?

All right. You know what?

Just tell me to stop when you've heard enough.

About a year ago, I took Mandy to see a gynecolog--

Stop.

All right.

Could we have just-- Could I just...

Hey, hi, honey. Ooh, you look so pretty.

Doesn't she look pretty, Mike?

She looks way too pretty for that...

Mike?

Restaurant that you're going to.

What--what's the name of it again?

Um, I'm just picking up some Chinese food and meeting him.

Oh.

You're paying for dinner?

Can I get 20 bucks?

I'm paying for dinner?

Mike.

(Sighs)

Thank you.

But if we could just-- I just--

Let it go, honey. Let-

If we--

Let it-- Honey, let it go.

Thank you. Good night.

Thank you.

(Engine rumbling)

(Turns off engine)

(Door knocking)

Hey. Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

Where's Greg?

Um, he's not here. He quit today.

He was supposed to meet me.

He didn't... he didn't text me or anything.

What an ass.

I know.

He does a lot of squats.

But it's still rude for him to blow you off like this.

Do you think he's coming back?

I wouldn't count on it.

He said, "Greg Archer's gotta go renew his library card, know what I mean?"

I didn't, but...

He sure made it sound like way more fun than when I renew mine.

You okay, Mandy?

What's wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing.

Mandy... I know Greg's a bad boy, and we've already discussed his k*ller glutes...

But I don't think he's anywhere near good enough for you.

Thanks, Kyle.

You're a really good guy.

Yeah, I know.

It sucks.

No. It's a good way to be. It suits you.

Check it out. Greg and I were supposed to have a picnic.

Chinese food at the 50-yard line.

Ah, China--

The Dark Continent.

The Land Down Under.

The Emerald lsle.

Wow.

You really know a lot about China.

Hey, you know what?

We could have a picnic right here.

You hungry? Want some?

No, thanks.

Brought my egg salad sand--

You know what?

Chinese food sounds great.

Oh, I have an idea-- um, after we eat, we should totally take the forklift, and, like, go and find Greg's truck and flip it.

Yeah, I can't do that, Mandy.

Aw.

But you know what we could do?

What?

His truck is sort of dirty.

Uh-huh?

We could write "Wash me" on the back window.

Somebody did that to me once.

Man, what a burn.

(Laughs)

(Both speaking indistinctly)

You have to split them apart.

(Laughs)

Have you never used chopsticks?

(Chuckles)

Were you waiting up for me?

Oh, no, I was just catching up on my reading.

(Door closes) "Jokes for the john."

Just as funny out here.

Well, how was your date?

Um...

I had a good time.

Truth is, I was expecting one thing tonight, and... I ended up getting something else, and... he turned out to be a really sweet guy.

So you really think you know this guy, Mandy?

I'm starting to.

I'd like to get to know him better.

Just might have found out some not-so-nice things about this Greg Archer.

I know. I have, too.

You don't have to worry about me, Daddy.

I know, but I will, you know?

Till I'm dead.

Two, three days afterwards, probably.

Good night.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hmm?

What did the one john say to the other john?

"What's the matter with you? You look... you look flushed."