02x13 - What's in a Name?

[bunniefuu]

Eve! Eve--hey!

Check it out. It's that time of year again.

Time to be carvin' that into an awesome racer.

Ugh. Not the Father-Son Derby.

Dad, in case you haven't noticed, I can no longer pass for an 11-year-old boy.

Says you.

Hey, Grandpa, what's that?

It's a lightning-fast race car. Vroom!

Oh. Grandma told me this day would come.

What a beautiful race car, Grandpa.

What? I'm--I'm just preparing him for the inevitable.

I mean, his class already read the book, "Why Grandpa Can't Find His House."

Well, maybe Grandpa doesn't want to find his house, because there's a mean lady that lives there.

Oh, stop it.

Stop messing around with your homework. Come on.

We got a car to build.

Honey, I don't think she wants to race little wooden cars anymore.

I asked you last week, right? You said, "Yeah, absolutely."

Yeah, but I said it like...

(Sarcastically) "Yeah, absolutely."

Sounds the same to me.

Dad, I'm sick of losing to those nerd engineers from Lockheed Martin.

You know, you shouldn't be competing with 11-year-olds if you've built things that have landed on another planet.

I swear, this is gonna be our year to kick some aerospace butt.

(Sarcastically) Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, that one--that one was very obvious.

Very--this is your fault, you know.

Oh. (Chuckles) Yeah, I had a feeling this was where this was gonna land.

Because you never squeezed out a son for me.

Honey, that is because you kept giving me "x" chromosomes...

What-- even though every single cell in this body already has two of those.

Don't get all science-y on me. Just say, "I'm sorry."

If this is a race car, Grandpa, where's the motor?

It doesn't need a motor.

It's powered by your grandma's archenemy, gravity.

Hey. I heard that.

Yeah, well, I'm just preparing him for the inevitable.

'Cause I think this week they're gonna read that book, "Why Grandma Keeps Tripping Over Her Boobs."

Guys. Guys. Last night, I had a dream.

Just like Dr. Martin Luther King.

No. Way better.

Okay, the three of us, the lnglorious Baxters, are going to reunite to make a viral video so popular, it'll make me famous!

Just like Dr. Martin Luther King.

And someday, people are gonna take the day off of work just to celebrate me.

And they could have mattress sales, which would be appropriate.

Ooh.

Says the sister who had a baby in high school.

Hey. I was also president of the Spanish club.

Nobody remembers that.

I don't like the idea of you guys posting stuff on the lnternet.

Mom, come on.

If Mandy's spreading something viral, you better pray it's on the lnternet.

(Laughs and speaks indistinctly)

What's our giant hit song called?

You ready? Ready? Wait for it. Wait for it.

"Love Arrow."

Oh, gross.

No, wait, Eve, that's not gross.

I mean, it refers to Cupid.

Valentine's Day, right, Mandy?

Sure.

So, yeah.

Can we hear a bit? Huh?

Oh. Well, I don't know if it's ready.

I mean, I haven't even really...

♪ Take your aim ♪
♪ stand and deliver ♪
♪ draw your bow ♪
♪ and make me quiver ♪
♪ you're Ted Nugent, and I'm a sparrow ♪
♪ obliterate me with your--unh--love arrow ♪

Then it goes...

♪ love arrow, love arrow ♪
♪ she loves his--unh--sss! ♪
♪ Love arrow like that. ♪

Happy Valentines Day, Mom.

(Door opens)

(Eve) Hey! (Kristin) Hello.

Special delivery for the Baxter family.

One kid, one case of beer.

Grandpa!

Boyd, buddy.

What is this? A little twist-off here?

(Imitates lid popping)

Ryan, you picked up Boyd from kindergarten with the beer truck?

Yeah. Makes Boyd look cool. And I made a few bucks off that sleepy teacher with the red nose. (Semitruck horn honks)

Is that your truck?

Yes. Boyd's friend Dylan won't leave the horn alone.

(Honk)

God, I hate carpool day.

(Honking continues)

(Door closes) Look, Grandpa, I know all my numbers up to 31.

That's a weird place to run out of gas.

But congratulations, except you got the wrong paper.

It says "Boyd Vogelson" on here.

Yeah. That's Ryan's last name.

What's Ryan's last name doing on Boyd Baxter's paper?

Should I get you a beer, Grandpa?

No. No, no, no, honey.

Just go in the living room and play.

Somebody should get me a beer.

Okay, Ryan asked if Boyd could use his last name at school.

I didn't think it was a big deal.

Well, if he can't count past 31, how is he supposed to spell "Vogelson"?

I think it's a nice sign of Ryan's commitment, okay?

He's really stepped up with Boyd, and he is the father.

You're right. He is the father.

He's the one that changed all those dirty diapers.

Wait a second. No, it wasn't. It was me.

Dad...

And that kid dropped some bombs. You remember that, when he punched right through a cloth diaper?

Honey, you're-- you're not thinking of legally changing Boyd's name, are you?

Maybe.

What do you mean, "maybe"?

What about the Baxters? Mike and Boyd Baxter?

Yeah, wow. That's a nice list of Baxters.

Kids take their fathers' last names, okay?

I thought you were the one that was for doing things the traditional way.

Traditional way-- you mean like knocking up a girl, then leaving, and coming back when the going gets easy?

You mean that tradition?

Dad, that's not fair.

Yeah, Dad, no fair describing exactly what happened.

He was born a Baxter. He's lived in a Baxter house.

As far as I'm concerned, this kid's always gonna be a Baxter.

Quick, Grandma. Pull my finger.

Hey, how's it going, Mr. B.?

It's not "Mr. B." It's "Mike Baxter."

Baxter's my last name. Always was, always will be.

Baxter, Baxter, Baxter.

Something's eating at you, Mike? What's wrong?

Ryan wants to change Boyd's name to "Vogelson."

"Vogelson Baxter"?

I like "Boyd" better.

"Vogelson" would be his last name, you idiot.

"Vogelson Vogelson"?

Okay, now that I like.

So Boyd is your last chance of passing down the Baxter name?

Yeah.

Cursed with three girls, the line now ends when you shuffle off this mortal coil.

When you die.

I got it.

Well, you know, you could always adopt a son.

It doesn't even have to be a baby.

Could just be some young man, yearning for a father figure in his life.

Or you could do it the old-fashioned way.

Of course, Vanessa probably couldn't participate, but you guys could work it out. You know, she's a good sport.

It's hard to believe you've only been divorced four times.

You might not be able to pass on your name, but you put a lot of time in with this kid...

Right.

You're gonna pass along something more important.

What?

Memories.

He's not gonna remember anything I did with him before Ryan came along.

Listen--you take a 2-year-old to Seaworld, the whale has a better chance of remembering that.

Boy, if someone took me to Seaworld, I'd sure remember it.

Boyd is older now. Make some new memories.

Like what?

Didn't you say Eve was bailing on that father-son derby this year?

Well, there's an opening.

You can enter the race with Boyd.

(Coughs) Or Kyle. He's free.

Better than building a car.

You're building memories to last a lifetime.

Right. Right.

And when we win that race, I'll put his real name on that trophy--

"Boyd Baxter."

Or "Kyle Anderson."

(Whirring)

(Motor turns off)

Well, starting to look like a car now, isn't it?

Is it time for me to help again?

Okay.

(Blows)

(Coughs)

It's a little moist.

That's why Grandpa didn't have any of your birthday cake.

Are we gonna win the race, Grandpa?

Of course we're gonna win. We're Baxters. We're winners.

(Whirring resumes)

My dad says I'm a Vo-gel-son.

Vogelson, yeah. You know, it starts with a "v."

"V" is at the end of the alphabet.

So?

"So"?

Let's say these drill bits here are popsicles.

And we're gonna hand 'em out alphabetically to everybody, right?

First name would be--what? Allen?

They get theirs. (Clatter)

Then Baxter.

Yeah. Got a big, nice orange for me. (Clatter)

"C" is Colson. They get theirs. (Clatter)

"D" is Dykstra. They get theirs. (Clatter)

"E" is Einstein-- of course, he gets his, 'cause he's a smart guy. (Clatter)

Nothing left for v's.

Daddy, I wanna be a Baxter.

The kid has got a point.

Boyd, your name is Vogelson because your daddy's name is Vogelson.

See, your daddy is very old-fashioned.

He doesn't think mommies count as much as daddies.

And you know who else thinks that, is the Taliban.

Taliban? What's that?

Wild group of extremists.

Wack-a-doodles. I told you.

But I kind of agree with them about women drivers.

Right, pal?

That's a nice try, Mike. I know what you're doing.

But seriously, what are you doing?

We're building a race car for the Father-Son Derby.

Oh. Father-Son.

That sounds like something my son should do with his actual father.

This is kind of our thing.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what.

We'll both make a pinewood car, and Boyd can decide which one he wants to enter in the race.

All right. You got a deal.

But I got two questions for ya--

You feel lucky, punk?

And where do I get one of these kits?

Honey, don't get me wrong.

It makes sense that Ryan would want Boyd to have his last name.

But what I don't get is why you let him have his way so easily.

Force of habit?

I like that Ryan feels so connected to Boyd.

You know, we're starting to feel more like a family, in our own weird way.

Did you ever consider keeping your maiden name, Mom?

No. No, no, no. I never liked the message that sends.

It sounds like you're trying to keep your options open.

In retrospect, maybe I should have.

A lot of couples are hyphenating these days.

Oh, God. Do you know who shouldn't have hyphenated?

My friend Monica's parents.

Yeah?

Valerie Johnson and Steve Holder.

(Laughs)

"Johnson-Holder"? I don't get it.

(Laughs)

Well, all I know is when I stepped down as PTA president, I pass the baton into the very experienced hands of Valerie Johnson-Holder.

You always wanna wash up after shakin' hands with a Johnson-Holder.

(Laughter)

Wait. Why?

(Laughter)

All right. What's so funny?

Oh, we're just talking about the Johnson-Holders.

Oh. Yeah. (Chuckles)

Hey, Dad, how's it going with the car?

It's great. Just needs more lubrication.

For the wheels?

No. The mechanic.

(Cap fizzes)

♪ Love arrow ♪
♪ I love his ♪
♪ she loves his ♪
♪ love arrow ♪

So okay, that was your cue, Kyle.

You're supposed to hit me with the love arrow, remember? (Music stops)

Why don't we all get hit with love arrows?

Uh, does everyone in Destiny's Child marry Jay-Z, or just Beyonce?

Hey, uh, sorry I missed my cue.

I was distracted by your awesome dancing.

Aw, thank you. Um, girls, you can take five.

I-I don't know if anyone's said this, but, you know, when girls dance, you really notice how the different parts of their bodies move.

You like the way that I dance?

I didn't hate it.

All right!

Oh, crap, here comes Mr. Alzate.

What are we gonna say?

No, no, no. Guys, it's cool. He gets it.

He's an artist.

Come on now.

I'm laying this down one time, and then I am gone, all righty?

Rolling.

Here we go.

♪

All right.

And that's why God gave goats skin.

Ta-ta.

(Keys and mouse clicking)

Ah, the great outdoors.

One thing good about getting away from the city lights-- you can see all these beautiful stars.

Look up there-- Polaris. (Tinkling sound)

There's Sirius right there. (Tinkling sound)

Over there--ridiculous.

(Dinging sound)

All right, all right, all right.

I-I don't really know my star names too well, all right?

Time was when an astronomer found a star, he got to name it.

That's how it should be, because he did the work, right?

Nowadays, any loser who forgot his wife's birthday can name a star for, like, 50 bucks.

Up there next to the regal Polaris?

That's lrene Partlow.

Even though he spent the money, Mr. Partlow's recent attempts to land on her have been quite unsuccessful.

The point is, if you don't put in the effort, you shouldn't get the naming rights.

The same goes for fathers.

Used to be pretty darn simple, wasn't it?

Kids took the old man's name.

And their mother's name? Well, only really relevant as a security question at the bank.

But what about deadbeat dads?

Should their kids be walking around as little Johnny deadbeat for the rest of their lives?

Here's a crazy thought-- let's honor the woman who actually raises her kid.

Let her give the kid her name.

Wow. Just think-- then our current president would be Barry Dunham.

Sounds like a guy I'd buy health insurance from.

Aw, hell, we didn't have a choice there, did we?

Good night, Irene!

Can I put on the "Team Baxter" decal?

Let's not do it just yet.

If we get an air bubble trapped underneath there, it's gonna add wind resistance.

We won't be able to win the race like that.

My dad let me glue the googly eyes on his car.

Why do you want googly eyes on a car?

So I can see where it's going.

I'll tell you where it's not going-- the winner's circle.

Wanna toss the ball around?

Can't. We're just putting the finishing touches on the Baxter b*llet.

Did you taper the axle heads and sand down the wheel tread?

Did we, Boyd?

Is the Pope Polish?

That pope d*ed, Dad.

I know. But it's still funny coming out of his mouth.

Plus I didn't want to teach him the other one...

Does a bear poop in the woods?

But I did anyway.

Hey, what do you say?

Go throw the ball with your aunt, and we'll put the decals on in a minute, all right?

All right.

Have you even let Boyd touch that car?

He'll be touchin' that trophy with his real name on it when we win this thing. (Door closes)

So this is all about Ryan giving Boyd his last name?

No, it's not all about that. You know how mad I was when Kris said she was having a baby?

Yeah, I still miss that glass coffee table.

I was actually kind of excited that we'd have another baby in the house.

I know, and when Kristin had a son, you were so happy, you started hugging everybody in the delivery room.

And don't think I didn't notice you dragging it out with that one nurse-- Heather.

You never forget these little minute details, right?

And her name was Heidi.

Mm.

But the fact is, once we realized we were having a boy, it was like I was getting a boy of my very own, you know? Kind of.

And now Ryan's come along, and, um...

Seems like he wants to take him away from me.

Honey, Ryan is not trying to take Boyd away from you.

He's just trying to create something with Boyd that you--you already have.

Hmm? Here he comes.

(Kisses)

(Ryan) Gentlemen...

Start your engines.

Behold...

The Vogelswagen.

Ooh.

It's lookin' right at you, Mike.

I see that. Nice pinwheel.

You know, the object is to cut wind resistance, not add to it.

I was trying to teach Boyd about renewable energy.

See, the propeller harnesses wind power and transfers it to the wheels.

You engineered this so the windmill powers the rear wheels?

No. What do I look like, a nerd from Lockheed?

Well, we got our cars ready.

The track's out there. You wanna do a little pre-race?

Well, maybe we should.

Hey, hey.

Wanna make it a little more interesting?

Uh, we've already got cool names, googly eyes-- how much more interesting can it get?

You nervous, Mike?

Oh, I'm shivering.

You should be.

Because der Vogelswagen shows no mercy.

It also shows no understanding of basic physics.

All right. Let's see which one of these beauties Boyd's gonna take to the big dance.

You wanna count us off, buddy?

As long as it's not to 32, we'll be all right.

On your marks, get set, go!

(Clacks)

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(Eve) Whoo! Yeah!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

And that's a little bit of what those boys from Lockheed will have to deal with right there. Look at that.

Dad, Dad! My propeller worked!

Grandpa, did you see my propeller spin?

Yeah. You see what car's in the winner's circle?

But nothing on your car spins.

What are you talking about? The wheels spin. High RPM.

That's why I'm in the winner's circle.

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Winning. Yeah.

I love our car, Dad.

Oh, yeah. You did it, buddy.

Your propeller was a great idea.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm sorry we didn't have room for the parachute.

Mike, the Baxter b*llet won fair and square.

You know what? I think you should go with Grandpa.

Really?

Yeah.

Don't worry. I'll come along and watch.

Mind if I tag along, Mike?

Hey, you know what?

This is a father and son deal.

(Whispers) I think you should go with your dad.

Are you sure, Grandpa?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You guys built yourself a heck of a race car.

Yay! Come on, Dad!

(Door opens)

Thank you.

Oh, hold up, buddy.

That guy's slower than his car.

Boyd clearly doesn't care about winning.

Well, he's half Vogelson.

Hey, Dad.

Just so you know... I like my name.

(Chuckles) Eve Baxter.

It's a great name.

Yeah. You know where that name would look great?

Etched in tin on a cheap trophy. (Sighs)

Should you and I go kick some aerospace butt?

I'd love it.

Let's not tell Kyle.

All right.

♪
♪ She doesn't want a love song ♪
♪ No way. ♪
♪ The right boys always feel all wrong ♪

Totes.

♪ She doesn't want a love letter ♪
♪ mnh-mnh. ♪
♪ She knows what he's packing is so much better ♪
♪

♪ On your frame not an ounce of fatness ♪
♪ I hunger for your game just like Katniss ♪
♪ I'm your Bonnie and you're Clyde Barrow ♪
♪ Steal my heart with your love arrow ♪

Okay. Well, can't wait to send that to Grandma.

Wait... Oh, my God. Why do we only have 473 hits?

Yeah, I thought the YouTube generation loved old guy bongo solos.

(Chanting) I won! I won! I won, won, won!

(Vanessa and Kristin laugh)

I won! I won!

You won? Yeah!

Ah, you finally won one, huh, honey?

Only in the sense that we're all winners for participating.

So no.

Boyd won. That is the trophy for most creative car.

"Most creative entry-- Boyd Baxter."

Huh? Boyd Baxter?

Hey, look, he's always gonna be a Baxter, plus I'm not really into perpetuating centuries of male oppression of women.

That's more Mike's thing.

Thank you.

Let's get some ice cream for the champion! (Cheering)

(Kristin chanting) You won! You won! You won, won, won!

Hey, uh, congratulations on your first trophy.

Thanks. And, uh, thanks for everything that you do for Boyd.

Well, as hard as it is to say, um, you guys manufactured a nice human.

Yeah. And hey, just because Boyd's always gonna be a Baxter, doesn't mean I don't wanna have the same last name as my son.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, I looked into it, and turns out I can get my name legally changed to "Baxter."

Oh, hell, no. Oh, hell, no. No.

Yeah.

No, no, no. What about your parents?

You're an only child. You don't wanna leave 'em like that.

They're not gonna care.

No, but you're a Vogelson.

There's gotta be some famous Vogelsons in Canada.

Not really.

No, listen, listen-- you gotta say, "Hell, no."