02x14 - Buffalo Bill Day

[bunniefuu]

Here they come!

Faster! They're gaining on us!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Cue the tumbleweeds!

(Men hooting and hollering)

Oh!

Aah! (Thud)

Oh, mercy! We are all going to die!

(Click)

Whoo! You'll be safe, little missy, or my name ain't Annie Oakley!

But there's thousands of them.

And these warriors are so terrifying.

Cue the terrifying warriors!

(Men hooting, horse hooves galloping)

This place is lousy with redskins! (Click)

Stop, stop. Boyd, you can't say "redskins."

I have a note. (Grunts)

You have a note?

Yeah. Why can't I just be on top with Kyle?

I have these cute granny boots on.

Nobody can see them. Get back in the coach.

Can I please just sh**t her and put her out of her misery?

Are we stopping? Yes, we are.

I don't know how they walked around in these leather pants.

My junk is schvitzing.

Listen, we talked about this a week ago.

You gotta take out all these references in the script.

It's just not gonna make it.

It's based on Buffalo Bill's Wild West show. What?

I know. Come over here. I can't have my grandson walking around saying "redskin,"

"merciless savages," "injun," "wampum," all that stuff.

But it's authentic.

It's what Buffalo Bill's show was.

Yeah, but protesters are rarely interested in facts.

And unfortunately, we don't get picketed by angry historians.

Boyd!

Hey, Dad!

Did you see the injuns coming after me?

"Injuns," Mike?

Son, they're called "Native Americans."

Yes.

This is an ongoing lecture series--

"Why fun things are bad."

Listen, everybody just take five!

Mike, I just stopped by your house to pick up my son, and he wasn't there.

(Chuckles) Oh, how long did it take you to figure that out?

Mike, today is my day with Boyd, and the last thing I want is him celebrating v*olence.

We're not celebrating v*olence, son.

We're celebrating Buffalo Bill Cody's birthday.

Right. We just added the v*olence to give the show a little kick.

Yeah.

It's my tribute to a great hunter and outdoorsman.

And by having warriors att*ck the stagecoach, we're just subliminally convincing customers to, you know, buy more g*ns and a*mo.

Well, I don't want Boyd exposed to any of this.

Come on, buddy. We're leaving.

No, Dad, this is fun!

Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! (Toy g*n clicking)

The kid's a natural. Come on.

Nice, Mike.

That is totally inappropriate.

Lighten up, Pocahontas.

He's just learning a little bit about history. That's it.

All right. Well, then, let's teach him the real history.

The road West was paved with the blood of the indigenous population.

But it got paved.

And when do we stop paying for stuff we did hundreds of years ago?

Well, because America just keeps on doing it-- marching into countries, slaughtering their people, stealing their resources.

"Hey, Iraq, sorry you didn't have weapons of mass destruction. Now hand us all your oil, please."

I know. We should have been more patient with S*ddam until his more reasonable sons Uday and Qusay took over.

Boyd, I'll pick you up at home later.

All right. I-I'm going to peel myself out of these pants.

If you need me, I'll be airing out in the office.

Just knock before entering.

Thanks for the ride home, Kyle.

Yeah. Love your van.

The gas fumes really explain a lot about you.

(Door closes)

(Chuckles)

You wanna come in?

No, I've gotta head back to the store, put in a couple more hours.

This cowboy costume your dad sold me wasn't cheap.

Well, you probably have time for a lemonade.

(Southern accent) Why, you must be parched after that gruelin' journey travelin' across the prairie. (Laughs)

No, I keep a jug of water in my van...

And an empty jug, just in case I get stuck in traffic.

All right.

Wait, Kyle...

Is there an eyelash in my eye?

Well, I can't really see if you keep your eyes closed.

You're not really good at taking subtle hints, are you, Kyle?

I might be. Try me.

I've been giving you one.

I get it.

I have an eyelash in my eye.

Well, I'd better hit it.

It's always awkward when I run into your sister, since we used to date and all.

Yeah, well, I'm--I'm pretty sure Kristin's moved on, Kyle.

(Chuckles) Nice try, Mandy. I saw her here yesterday.

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

Hey.

What are you lookin' at out there?

Oh. just... Kyle.

(Chuckles)

He's emptying a jug.

I hope it's the one with the water.

What?

Um... I gotta go work on a term paper.

That's a thing, right? Hmm. (Chuckles)

Uh, hey, hey, hey. Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is there something going on between you and Kyle?

(Snickers)

(Snorts) Yeah.

Me and Kyle?

Yeah.

Mom, yeah. You wish.

I don't. I really don't. No.

It's just that he walked you to the door, and where I come from, that means he's hot for what you got. (Chuckles)

Ew. Please never say that again.

Do you think that he's, like... hot for what I've got?

Nope. Still gross, even when I say it.

Honey, you know what? Before this goes any further, you--you really need to consider how this is gonna affect our family.

I know.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna talk to Kristin.

That's not the family member I'm worried about.

I have to talk to Dad?

Hell, no. (Scoffs)

Oh, thank God. (Laughs)

No, do not talk to your father.

Okay.

Unless, of course, this thing with Kyle gets serious, and then we'll... we'll pull him aside at the church and tell him who the groom's gonna be.

(Knock on door)

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Where's Boyd?

Well, he's supposed to be with me, but instead, he's with your dad, re-enacting the grim slaughter of the Native Americans.

Well, as long as he's having fun.

I need you to sign something. My lawyer drew it up.

You have a lawyer?

Yeah.

Wow.

I've got a buddy whose sister's a lawyer.

Of course, he's in jail, so she's not a very good one.

Anyway, it says you need to let me have Boyd two days a week, and one weekend every month.

But that's what we already do. Why do we need a contract?

So I'm legally protected in that one-in-a-million scenario where your dad doesn't give a crap what we agreed to.

Ryan, this isn't necessary, okay?

I'll talk to Dad. He won't take Boyd on one of your days again.

Oh, you're gonna talk to him?

Yeah.

Oh, well, then, why didn't you just say so? Problem solved.

Sign here, initial there, there, and there. (Car doors close in distance)

Why is this suddenly so important to you?

(Door opens)

Daddy, I took out an Indian!

(Imitates g*nshots)

(Laughs) Oh.

That's why. Come on, buddy.

Actually, he just winged him.

I said it was a k*ll sh*t to build his self-esteem.

Dad, if it's Ryan's day, you have to check with him before you take Boyd on one of your adventures.

I'm not asking chief featherbrain permission to take my grandson out.

He's not a featherbrain, Dad.

He's not a chief, either.

But it paints a picture.

Hey, Eve, great rehearsal today.

But tomorrow, instead of p*stol-p*stol-r*fle-r*fle-Kn*fe, I wanna go to p*stol-p*stol- r*fle-hatchet-Kn*fe.

Dad, listen, I don't wanna be Annie Oakley anymore.

That's okay. Well stick with p*stol-p*stol-r*fle-r*fle-Kn*fe.

I'm sorry. I just don't want to participate in a barbaric celebration of genocide. (Mutters)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You've been talking to chief featherbrain, right?

How do you know it was Ryan?

How did you know who I meant by "featherbrain"?

Okay. Got some new pages for everybody.

See if I can't make this script a little less offensive.

I was up all last night learning my line.

Relax. We've left in "Hyah!" and "Giddyap!"

But every reference to "injun,"

"merciless savages," or "redskin" is now gonna be referred to as just... "People."

Mike, they're being chased by a horde of angry indians.

You can't say, "people are after us."

It sounds like it's the I.R.S.

Where--where's my new Annie Oakley?

You can't replace Eve. Eve is Annie Oakley.

She's the best Annie Oakley--

I'm here.

Made some adjustments to the costume.

Although this'll work, too.

What are you doing with that?

When did this turn into "Girls Gone Wild Wild West"?

Grandpa, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Boyd, you should have thought of that before we left Dodge City.

All right, everybody...

From the top.

Hyah!

This place is lousy with... people!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Cue Annie Oakley!

(Giggles) Ahh.

Kyle!

You've makin' it too bouncy!

Sorry.

And the name's Festus.

Hey, Festus! What, did you put the coach on cruise control?

You know, it's supposed to be movin' right now.

Annie, you're supposed to be defending the coach.

Ooh, with what? I forgot my g*n.

I see that.

(Cell phone chimes)

Don't answer a call during a sh**t.

It's just a text, Dad. (Gasps)

Aw, look at Tegan's new puppy!

(Laughs)

Grandpa?

All right. Take five, everybody.

The little peashooter's gotta pee here.

Listen, when I get back, I want you to act more like Eve. Come on.

I'll do my best, sir.

Talkin' to Mandy.

(Exhales)

Yeah. Ah. (Exhales)

I look ridiculous. (Laughs)

No. You're the prettiest Annie Oakley ever.

Aw.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel like this costume's just a little too tight.

What do you think?

(Pop)

(Door opens) Eve, you've gotta be Annie Oakley.

I fell off the stagecoach, like, three times today, and I'm pretty sure I broke my femur.

If your femur's up there, it's not broken. It's lost.

I don't need a lecture from you on bone-ology right now, okay?

Please, you gotta be Annie Oakley.

She's badass when you do it.

Nobody can do it as good as--

I can't stand watching you with Kyle, okay?

What?

Yeah. That's why I quit the show, all right?

I don't know why you have to go flirting with Kristin's ex-boyfriend. It's gross.

Why do you care?

Because I know what's going on, and I--every time I see Kris, I feel like I'm lying to her.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm just finding it really hard to tell Kristin.

Tell me what?

Mandy's making moves on Kyle.

What?

See? It wasn't that hard. Now you try it.

I'm making moves on Kyle.

Oh.

But you're cool with that, right?

Um, no. Not so cool.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty uncool about that.

Why? You two broke up, like, forever ago.

I haven't walked the dog in a while.

That doesn't mean it's okay to make out with him behind the mini-mart.

(Both) What?

Right. You--you know what I'm saying.

Well, out--out of all the guys in the world, why are you after Kyle?

Okay, first of all, I don't know all the guys in the world.

But not for lack of trying.

And secondly, why do you care?

You're clearly getting back together with Ryan.

Uh, what? Where is that coming from?

Oh, come on. It's pretty obvious. Am I right?

You and Ryan really connect.

Me and Kyle really connect. It's great.

I mean, Kyle and I can, like...

Can finish each other's sentences.

(Sighs) Well, that's certainly something neither of you can do on your own.

He makes me feel...

Special. See? Anyone can do it.

Okay, I just wanna be sure that you're not gonna hurt him, okay?

Kyle's a really sweet guy.

He--he taught Boyd the alphabet...

Give or take a-a few letters.

Kris, trust me.

I would never hurt Kyle.

Okay. Then you have my blessing.

So you and I are cool?

I guess we are now.

The precedent's been set.

All your ex-boyfriends are on Eve Baxter's radar.

Too bad they're all stupid and gross.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh. Hey.

Hi.

Uh, you're supposed to be picking up Boyd from Trevor's.

Yeah, I got a couple of minutes.

They're watching "Ellen" with Trevor's two moms.

Did you get a chance to sign those papers?

I printed them again in case, you know, you lost them or b*rned them.

Excuse me. What papers?

Or if he got a hold of them.

Be careful when you're signing papers.

That's how I got my eyes on a donor list.

May I?

Well, you're gonna find out anyway.

Yeah?

I want to have it in writing that I get time with Boyd.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

Oh, look, I tripped.

Oh, they went into the firepl--oh.

Dad, are you serious?

Oh, with all that work you put into it.

Look at that. They-- it all b*rned. Look--

I can do this all night, Mike.

Well, one more time, and then I'm gonna have to borrow your printer.

Look, I know when it comes to Boyd, that I've made some mistakes.

Hey, don't b*at yourself up.

I got a couple of teamsters that owe me a favor.

You left her and the boy for three years.

You got no rights with that kid.

Are you ever gonna let me off the hook, Mike?

I mean, what ever happened to "We shouldn't have to keep apologizing for our mistakes from the past"?

You're the one that's holding a grudge.

You're still mad at cowboys.

Your cowboys wiped out a nation.

Oh, stop.

My big crime is what? Being a scared teenager?

Dad, we were 17, okay? We were both freaking out.

And for the record, when I got pregnant, Ryan said he would support me in whatever choice I made.

Even if that choice meant not having Boyd.

Dad, that is-- that is so not fair.

Well, it's true though, right?

'Cause you didn't get the choice you wanted, you ran out on her.

Well, I'm not going anywhere now.

Except for right now, 'cause I have to pick up Boyd from the lesbians.

(Door opens)

Here you go, buddy.

Dad, I thought we were gonna play indians.

Well, we are playing indians.

Now eat your acorn mash.

Can we scalp somebody?

We're not gonna do that.

Uh, v*olence was just a tiny part of most Native American cultures.

Yeah. The fun part.

Well, actually, there's lots of fun parts, you know?

Like, um, here, check out this music.

(Clicks)

(Men chanting)

Oh, wait, no. That's not the good one.

(Clicks)

(Chanting resumes)

Now we're talking.

(Knock on door)

(Mouth full) Oh, I hope that's not the neighbors.

Mommy!

Did you come to pick me up?

No, honey, you're spending the night with your dad.

Oh. (Door closes)

Hey, can you go into the bedroom and play while I talk to Daddy?

You can take your acorn mash with you.

Yeah, no, thanks.

(Door closes)

Nice teepee.

I don't mean to nitpick, but it looks a lot like the rocket ship you made for him last week.

Yeah. Just trying to undo some of the damage your dad did.

Yeah. So am I.

Listen, he... He was way out of line today.

Actually, Kris, no, he wasn't.

Everything your dad said about me was true.

And I can't even imagine a world without Boyd in it now.

All right. Well, let's let the past go, okay?

You want my dad to forgive you? Why don't you forgive yourself?

Here.

You signed them?

Yep.

Thank you.

That means a lot to me.

Good. Because I've got something for you to sign.

What--what is this?

Uh, my list of demands.

It says, among other things, that at least twice a week, you have to ask me how my day was and actually listen to the answer.

Don't I already do this?

Yeah. I want it in writing.

(Exhales)

Fair enough.

So... how was your day?

Let the record reflect that I asked.

Howdy, partners!

(Audience) Howdy!

(Applause, man speaks indistinctly)

Thank you! Thank you for coming by to celebrate Buffalo Bill Cody's birthday with us. Thank you.

Now all the bows and arrows from the show will be on display alongside their modern-day counterparts.

All right? Now believe me, if the Apache had carried this baby here, we'd be celebrating Geronimo's birthday.

Buffalo Bill was most famous for his Wild West show...

Mandy, you're in the wrong costume.

You're Annie Oakley, remember?

Not anymore.

This costume's only big enough for one Annie Oakley...

Even then, barely.

All right.

All right. Let's sh**t some people, people! (Clicks)

She is a real beauty.

That's a Winchester 30-30. Yeah, it's a beautiful r*fle.

So enjoy yourselves. But stick around afterwards.

There's a bison petting zoo in the parking lot...

Complimentary Buffalo wings.

I chopped them off the buffalos myself.

They're huge.

(Clatter)

(Under breath) Never works. Why doesn't that work?

(Horse hooves galloping, sounds of g*nshots)

Hyah!

Here they come!

Faster! They're gaining on us!

Aah! Aah. (Men hooting and hollering)

Aah! (Thud)

Oh, mercy! We're all going to die!

(Clicking)

Whoo! Whoo!

(Southern accent) You'll be safe, little missy, or my name ain't Annie Oakley!

(Cheering)

Don't sh**t the Native Americans.

They are mad, but they have every right to be, because we're stealing their land!

Uh, Mike, aren't we taking political correctness... (Chuckles)

...too far here?

I didn't write that line.

Then who did?

(Hooves clopping)

Thank you, kind Native American, for helping me find my hat.

It's a fine hat. Weatherproof and stylish.

On sale now at Outdoor Man.

Hmm. Say what you want about indians, Mike, but they sure now how to move some hats.

(Cheers and applause)

So we paid tribute to Buffalo Bill Cody and didn't ruffle any feathers.

Yeah. Congratulations, honey. Fiberglass horses and a schoolmarm with a smartphone.

You really brought the Old West back to life. (Kisses)

Worked out pretty well. Yeah.

Up until just now.

Does he know we sell g*ns here?

You know, why--why don't you go get Boyd off the horse?

(Pats back)

Just go. Come on.

I liked how you improvised that extra "hyah!" Out there.

Thanks. I was really in the zone.

Mandy, I've gotta ask you something.

We've been hanging out a lot lately.

And I'm not so good at picking up on hints.

Are we becoming really good friends, or is this-- that answers that.

Call the donor people.

Just have them rip my eyes out right now.