03x03 - Pledging

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so, we just learned the coolest new move in hand-to-hand combat training.

Come on, dad. Take a swing at me.

Mm. Ask your mom.

Mike, I am not gonna hit our daughter.

You're darn right, you're not.

You'd end up face-down on the ground with a knee in your back.

[Chuckles]

Way to ruin the surprise, dad.

Hey. Thanks for driving me to class, Kyle.

Now, I'll need you to drive me again to my 8:00 A.M. class in the morning.

Yeah, no problem.

Ooh, and as a treat, if you wait around, after class, you get to drive me home.

Great. I'll just hang out in the quad.

k*ll some time playing some hacky sack.

Kyle. Do you have your own sack?

Sure.

Surprised to hear that.

Okay. Bye.

I'll see ya.

How's, uh... how's college going, honey?

It's okay.

Just okay?

I don't know. It's not as much fun as I'd hoped.

Like, everybody's so focused on reading and studying and learning.

Yeah, that's a slippery slope.

Next thing you know, you'll be graduating and getting a job and working for a living.

I just don't feel all involved like I did in high school.

You know, after class, everybody hangs out in the dorms or the student center, and I just come home.

Well, do you think you'd make more friends if you weren't spending all your time with Kyle?

He's the only person I know at school.

But he doesn't go there.

Yeah, but he's got more friends than I do.

Like, that whole hacky-sack crowd...

I'm not even really sure any of them go there, either.

They're all like 40.

I feel so bad for her.

It's rough starting over in a new environment.

Yes, life is so unfair to pretty, young 18-year-old girls.

It's okay if she feels bad as long as she keeps her grades up.

Yeah, well, college is not just about grades.

It's about new experiences and meeting new people, staying up all night drinking coffee and arguing about divesting from South Africa.

I've been there, right?

I've been in the dorm room next to those people.

We were up all night arguing about...

[Slurring] ... who's gonna get more beer.

Anyway, I just worry that if she doesn't have a social life, she's gonna lose all interest in college.

Well, she had such a good social life in high school, they almost asked her back for her fifth year.

Stop it! I'm not gonna fall for that "free punch" thing again!

I understand you're angry.

Mm.

I bet it'd feel real good to hit me with this lamp.

Eve.

What?

Oh, no, look.

I'm distracted while talking to my mother.

Anyone could come up behind me and just...

[Sighs] Just forget it.

It's like I'm living with the Ghandis.

Mandy, honey, um, there's something I'm worried about.

Yeah, mom, don't worry. I've been taking it every day.

Sorry. What... what have you been taking every day?

Vitamins.

But... but this isn't about the vitamins, but... good girl.

Honey, come here a minute. Come here.

When I went to Ohio State, I... I was worried that I wasn't fitting in, so you know what I did to boost my social life?

She spent a lot of time in the commons going, "I can't get knocked up. I just took my vitamins."

I joined a sorority. Kappa Kappa Nu.

Wait. I thought dad said I shouldn't join a sorority.

That's because sororities rob you of your individualism, turning people into drones... and not the cool kind that sh**t missiles.

Your dad is not a fan of the Greek system.

Because the greeks have no system.

They've step-by-step dismantled the whole economic system in Europe!

You know, I think it's about time the germane powered up those panzers.

And this time, we might fight with them!

I don't agree with your father.

A German-led World w*r III is definitely not preferable to you joining a sorority.

Hey, Ed.

Huh?

You got your deposition ready for the Jetski lawsuit?

Don't tell me someone got hurt on one of our jet skis.

Ed, the Polish guy... Jetski.

Got trapped in one of our tents.

Oh.

Depositions and paperwork.

It's... it's all so boring!

And I'm working on that loading-dock problem.

There is no problem on the loading dock, Ed.

We just need to hire more guys.

Aha! That's just what they want.

Aha! Because it's a good idea.

I've been thinking about this.

I saw this TV show Friday night where an executive puts on a disguise and gets a job with his own company...

Yeah.

To find out what his employees are up to.

It's called "Incognito Boss."

Stupidest show ever.

Of all the good things to watch on Friday night, why would anybody watch that?

I get into a disguise, I blend in on the loading dock to find out who's slacking off.

I don't think you'll find them slacking off.

They'll be trying to help this old dude lift heavy boxes.

He's not old.

Troy Fontaine is only 53.

And who's Troy Fontaine?

My alter ego.

Look, if I'm gonna fool anybody, I have to develop a whole persona.

They say that Travolta starts his characters by finding their walk.

I've been working on this, now. How's this? Look.

Keep doing it. I like it.

Yeah, just a little tiny bit faster.

I like it. There you go. That's great, Ed.

I've been thinking about...

Oh, my God! Hey! Twinsies!

I am so glad my mom convinced me to join her old sorority.

Yeah, but isn't it gonna be awkward hanging out with a bunch of women your mom's age?

Wow, she's holding up great!

Sister!

Mandy: Sister!

[Both squeal, giggle]

Yay!

[Chuckles] Mwah! Mwah!

Aww!

You'll be at the rally today, right?

Oh.

We're holding a surprise fundraiser to help fight asthma.

Although, we did tell all the people who have asthma, because surprise can actually bring on a pretty bad att*ck.

Can my boyfriend come?

Only if he has asthma.

Sadly, he doesn't.

But I'll still see you there, little sis.

[Chuckling] Okay. Bye!

Hey. I'm Kyle, by the... okay.

Isn't Jenna great?

Yeah. I love her.

Yeah.

But I'm bummed.

I was hoping that we could hang out after your classes today.

Kyle, I'm a Kappa Nu newbie.

You know, I really got to show up for these events.

Well, then maybe I can just hang here in class with you.

Okay. I guess. Are you sure you won't be bored?

Are you kidding me? I love astronomy.

Have you gotten to capricorns yet?

Oh, Kyle, this is intro to astronomy.

I'm pretty sure they get to horoscopes next semester.

It's a good thing capricorns are able to deal with crushing disappointment.

But seriously, I'm a natural on the loadin' dock.

Maybe it's because of the two years I spent as a stevedore in Guam.

That and the fact that I was raised by an abusive geometry instructor, so I'm extremely good with shapes.

All right.

Okay, guys, lunch is over.

Hey, Troy. Nice job stacking those boxes.

I'm glad you like it.

But if my old man saw that job, he'd throw me down a fire escape.

[Laughs]

Hey, J.J.

Hey.

Is Ed down here?

I haven't seen him.

Huh?

Ed?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't blow my cover.

Troy Fontaine has gotten to the bottom of the productivity problem down here.

Could it be that productivity problem is Troy Fontaine?

Troy Fontaine is not a slacker!

Sorry.

Troy Fontaine also has a temper.

You were right, Mikey.

Nobody's slacking off down here.

We just need more men on the dock.

I got an idea.

Yeah.

Why don't we invite everyone to bring their alter egos?

We'll double the workforce.

Look, t... these guys are the salt of the earth, huh?

We all went out for beers last night.

Yeah.

They did not have nice things to say about you.

I got the ball rolling by telling them how much you make.

I got piles of stuff upstairs for you to sign.

You got to get back upstairs.

I know. There's always stuff for me to sign, Mike.

I miss being a regular guy and doing an honest day's work.

This experience has put me in touch with who I really am.

Yeah? A rubber nose and a Steven Seagal wig will do that to a guy.

Kristin: Boyd, hurry! We've got to go!

So, Ed made up a whole fake back story about himself just to trick people into trusting him?

Yep.

Basically, he's Obama.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where is your other shoe?

I don't know. Do I need it?

Yes. We are a two-shoe family.

Go find it.

I wish I were a monkey.

I wouldn't have to wear shoes.

I wish you were a monkey, too.

Then I'd have someone to smoke cigars with.

[Chuckles]

Ah, he better find that shoe.

I cannot afford to get him another pair.

Looks like Ryan might be going out on strike.

What?!

Need a guy to walk out on the job, Ryan's your man.

Honey, I... I thought the beer-truck drivers were close to an agreement.

Yeah. They all agreed to go on strike.

But, you know, Ryan's optimistic management will cave.

Where are they ever gonna find truck drivers who like beer?

[Inhales sharply]

Hey!

Boyd! Whoo-hoo! We found your shoe!

"We"?

Here you go. Catch that, huh?

This is what happens when you sign a kid up for puppeteering and not little league.

Come on. Okay? Oh, but the ground's wet, so hop. Hop!

Hop! Bye!

Ryan's going on strike.

[Sighs] Kristin cannot catch a break.

And this kid can't catch a shoe.

Am I the only one worried about that?

And now she's gonna have to work extra hours, college is gonna get pushed further down the road.

I mean, we all love Ryan...

No.

Kristin got too involved with a high-school boyfriend, and it basically derailed her life.

And produced a kid who can't catch a shoe.

This is a danger... Whoa! Whoa!

What are you... what are you dressed as?

I'm a farm girl.

E-i-e-i-no!

Dad, we had a hoedown at my sorority tonight, and all of the other girls were dressed exactly like this.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, this is exactly why I told you I don't like sororities.

Why not?

Because t... t... they turned her into a robot...

And not the fun kind that box other robots.

Oh, honey, stop. It's just as a party theme.

Yeah. It's group-think, and I refuse to support any organization that makes its members wear certain clothes.

Looking sharp, Eve.

Oh, my God. What what is this?

I went to a hoedown.

[Sighs] Well... they're down a ho now that you left.

Get out of here, you.

Mandy, honey, did, uh... did you have a good time?

Yeah. I just felt bad 'cause I couldn't bring Kyle.

Yeah, you know, I know when I was... was a Kappa, they frowned on pledges having boyfriends.

Yeah. I mean, they don't exactly frown.

It's more kind of like this face.

It's like... or... not like that.

Mm. Yes.

It was like...

Okay.

[Clears throat]

Or like... all right.

All right, honey.

Yeah, but you understand w... whatever the face, okay, they just want you completely involved in the sorority.

I know, but then there won't be any time for Kyle.

Honey, c... come here. You know...

I love Kyle, but you... you can't let your high-school boyfriend hold you back.

So what am I supposed to do... stop seeing him?

Honey, when I joined the Kappas, I had a high-school boyfriend... Paul.

You remember?

I think you met him that time we visited Marysville.

The guy with all the skin tags?

Well, he was very attractive in high school, and sweet.

But I broke it off with Paul when I joined the Kappa Kappa Nus.

Well... honey, you understand why?

Because of the skin tags.

No.

Honey, no. Uh, no.

His... his skin was very different back...

You know what? Never mind. Okay.

Um, Paul and I broke up because I wanted the whole college experience, including meeting new and interesting men... college men.

If I hadn't, I never would have married your father.

So I guess that's a vote for tag face.

Hey, Kyle. Just the guy I was looking for.

At your service.

Listen. Some kid hurled up on the rock wall.

You got to hop up there, clean off the "lava" before it rains down on the villagers.

Yes, sir.

Are you just getting in now?

Oh, yeah. I went to Mandy's astronomy class.

Did you know that if you took a rocket to Neptune, you'd die of old age before you got there?

Well, don't let that stop you from trying, Kyle.

Uh, Mandy doesn't need you to drive her to school every day.

Yeah, but I want to be there for her, Mr. B.

College has been a big adjustment, and she seems really tense lately.

Maybe 'cause she's being followed around by some weirdo in a mullet.

She is? Seriously?

With all she has on her plate.

Listen, Kyle, aren't you a little embarrassed puppy-dogging after my daughter?

I don't feel that way at all, Mr. B.

It's what I enjoy most in my life.

May not be good at a lot of things, but...

I'm really great at caring about Mandy.

And don't worry. I'm giving her plenty of space.

I haven't seen her in days.

You saw her in class.

No, uh, but I took excellent notes.

She's been so busy with the Kappa Kappa Nus, and "the Kappa Kappa Nu's news."

That's their online newsletter.

She's the Nus' new news editor.

You're a good guy, Kyle. Listen.

When you clean up the barf, try not to barf.

Once you get on that merry-go-round, it's hard to get off.

[Knock on window]

Hey. Come in. Okay, you're gonna love this.

I came up with this poem to help you remember the order of the planets from the sun.

Okay.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.

Doesn't rhyme.

It's free verse.

I learned about it taking notes for you in your English class.

Oh. Hey, we have to talk.

Okay.

But you need to study this stuff for the quiz tomorrow, so I'll talk in the character of the sun.

[Clears throat]

[Deep voice] Oh, I turn hydrogen into helium!

Helium!

Hey, you remember how Professor Moore said that Pluto used to be a planet and then, a few years ago, suddenly it wasn't a planet anymore?

[Normal voice] Yeah, I know. Anything can happen.

We're living in the golden age of astronomy.

Right.

Well, maybe it happened because the solar system just needed to take a break from Pluto.

Like, maybe it still really loves Pluto.

It just needs some time apart.

What are you saying?

We haven't gotten to metaphors in your English class yet.

I'm finding it really hard to balance my time between you and the sorority.

Look, Mandy... you shouldn't be worried about the sorority right now.

And you shouldn't worry about me.

You need to focus on school.

School will always be there.

No.

Don't take it for granted.

Not everybody gets to go to college, no matter how much money your family sets aside not if you got a grandma with a bus pass who plays the slots.

Hey. You turned out great.

[Chuckles] I know.

A... and I love working at Outdoor Man with my best friend, Mr. Baxter.

But you're destined for bigger things than I am.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

I do. Okay?

And I will do anything to help you do well in school.

Even if that means you need to take a break from Pluto for a while.

Still?

Mr. Baxter, can I talk to you in private, sir?

Sure, Troy. Come on in.

Take a seat on the couch.

Or do you prefer an imaginary chair?

No. No, thank you.

This is, uh, a little... a little awkward here.

Yeah.

I'm here on behalf of the loading dock to talk to management about salary and working conditions.

It's your company, Ed, so you're standing there demanding more money from yourself.

Hey, listen, the... the guys at the loading dock were talking about the... you know, the... the beer-company strike, and, uh, long story short, I've been elected shop foreman.

[Chuckles]

With that ponytail, they put you in charge?

Listen. Listen.

It takes a lot of confidence to pull off a ponytail.

And I feel such a bond with these guys.

They were chanting my name.

"Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy!"

Which is not your name.

No. Actually, it's Trojillo.

I shortened it when I came to this country.

See, t... there's a lot of bigotry against Paraguayans.

I'm gonna stop you there, Ed. This is nuts.

You're right. You're right. [Clears throat]

I think Troy Fontaine has has gotten away from me.

Yeah.

Uh, I guess the best plan is to fire me.

Um, you want me to do it, or... or do you have a mirror handy?

Okay.

Listen, Troy, as much as I hate to do this, you're fired.

[Groans]

This blow is really gonna be a test of Troy's sobriety.

You know, I'm beginning to understand that bias against Paraguayans.

All right, Mike, look.

This has been a good break for me, Mike.

Yeah, got away from the stresses of being the boss. I get it.

I lose myself in the romance of unloading boxes.

[Chuckles]

Which wears thin surprisingly quickly.

All right, I guess I'll give the guys a raise and get some help on the dock.

How about a little help up here?

No, I have to handle this all myself.

No, no, no. I mean up here.

You're not well, ed.

Listen, look... fon't worry about me.

All right? Ed will be back tomorrow.

Great.

All right?

And we'll forget this ever happened.

Okay. All right?

All right. We're good.

I'll see you in hell, fat cat!

Hey, mom, I'm not gonna be home for dinner.

I've got to get over to the house.

This is your house, and if you want to keep living in it, you got to stop cutting classes!

You cut class?

I missed astronomy.

It's just been really hard keeping up with everything.

So you let your classes slide? There's a good choice.

Honey, honey, we talked about this.

Yeah, and you were right. You know?

I had to make a choice between the Kappa Nus and Kyle.

Oh, you know, I'm sorry.

Gosh, t... that must not have been easy.

Uh, no. It was pretty easy. I chose Kyle.

Hey, nice to see you, Mr. B.!

Mrs. B.

Those are lovely earrings.

I'm, uh, on my way over to quit the sorority.

Oh, boy. They already taught you their secret handshake.

Now they're gonna have to k*ll you.

Mandy, honey, come... you were so excited.

Yeah, it's too bad she won't be meeting all those "new, interesting men."

But don't worry. I'll try not to "hold her back."

Did you really say that, Vanessa?

Hey, look... I've decided that I don't need the kind of heavy social life that I had in high school, you know?

I'm gonna face college as an individual like dad did.

All alone, but with Kyle.

Pretty much the same as being alone.

And part of that is I don't need you to drive me to class every day, you know?

Maybe I'll be lonely, but I'll be okay 'cause I know you'll be waiting for me.

And I'm okay, too.

Except for a searing feeling of betrayal from someone I used to think of as a second mother.

Oh, Kyle! Come on! I didn't mean to...

[door slams]

Honey, honey. You meant it.

You know, I just want what's best for her.

And you don't want grandchildren with webbed feet. I understand.

You know, I worry about our daughters a... and the men they choose.

Yeah, I know.

They... they can't all win the lottery like you did.

[Chuckles]

Just remember... a lot of people who win the lottery end up k*lling themselves.

Huh. And you remember they usually end up blowing their winnings.