03x04 - Ryan vs. John Baker

[bunniefuu]

Mike: Hey, Eve!

Could you come out and help me for a minute, please?

Okay.

Where are you? Dad?

[Singsong voice] Dad?

[Normal voice] You out here?

Ha! Gotcha! Hey!

Damn it!

You have been clipped!

You're in a ghillie suit. That's no fair.

This is a w*r game. What do you mean it's not fair?

Do you think the Taliban has chip clips?

They don't have stuff like this.

They hate us for our freshness.

Mike, h... how long are you two gonna play this stupid game?

It's not stupid. Honey...

I got fritos here that have turned into roof tiles.

These tactics could save our daughter's life in combat.

Great. Another bush starting an unnecessary w*r.

Well, this is for my own good, mom, if I want to be special ops someday, so...

That's right.

Thanks for pretend-k*lling me, dad.

You're so welcome.

Now she tries to clip me. That's how it works.

Maybe you should, uh, check behind you.

You mean like this?

What the... what is... ?

[Groans]

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go scare the mailman.

Where's my grandson?

He's in there on the couch, but... but... but you can't see him.

Okay?

I can't see him.

No.

Boyd. I can't see Boyd.

I can't see Boyd.

Muffin...

Did you eat Boyd?

I'm gonna take you for a long walk, see if you can't squeeze out a little kid.

You're not allowed to eat children.

Grandpa, I'm right here!

Wait... wait a second.

There you are, dressed like a throw pillow!

I didn't even see you.

It's almost on, Boyd.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't have clearance to use the remote around here.

Uh, a news crew came out to talk to some of us on the picket line today.

Daddy's on strike, and we're poor.

Boyd, people used to get along just fine without luxuries like cable TV.

Or meat or two-ply toilet paper.

Aren't you referring to the former Soviet Union, which you probably miss?

What the truck drivers are asking for isn't unreasonable, Mike.

It is, considering a non-union orangutan did it in two Clint Eastwood movies.

Okay, you know what? Joke all you want.

But I am fighting so Boyd doesn't have to grow up in a world where all the power is concentrated into the hands of a few.

Okay.

I mean, without unions, we wouldn't even have a middle class.

For once, your dad is right.

Years ago, a kid your age would have to work 16 hours, just like a little sl*ve.

Now go get me something to drink.

Where did that come from?

If you're asking that question, you're already dead.

Oh, here it is!

Man: In its fourth week, the resolve of the striking beer-truck drivers is stronger than ever, with no end in sight.

There's daddy, Boyd!

Boyd: Where?

Right there. You see my sign?

"We're here, no beer, get used to it."

Well, looks like a good turnout, honey.

Yep, it's power in numbers.

Numbers like on a paycheck?

When was the last time you saw one of those?

I haven't had trouble putting food on my table.

Here's your lasagna, Ryan!

You haven't had trouble putting my food on your table.

Why are we giving him lasagna?

Oh, honey, don't worry. You have another one in the freezer.

Oh, great. Now he knows where we keep it.

Why don't you just give him our pin number?

Oh, stop.

Well, I should probably go to work.

"Work"... there's a word.

Let's say that together, shall we, Ryan?

Wo-o-o-rk.

Your table is ready, Mr. Baxter.

Great. Thanks.

I will handle this motley crew, Lindsey.

And tell Arturo we have a party of 12 coming in.

Let me show you to your table.

Hmm.

"Let me show you to your table." Fancy.

Fancy.

At the diner, all we heard was, "sit down where it's not sticky."

Oh.

Good evening, Baxters.

[Chuckling] Hey, John.

Hey, John.

Hi.

I, uh, picked you out a nice cab to start you off with this evening.

Ooh, lovely.

As long as he calls a nice cab to drive us home later.

[Laughs]

Do you have an I.D., Mandy?

Not now that you know my name's Mandy.

And do I need to see your I.D., too, young lady?

[Laughing] Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't wind her up.

That's a check I'll have to cash.

John, this place is so beautiful.

You really are a very impressive young man.

That's after just one sip of wine.

Two glasses later, she'll be calling you a monster who wrecked her body.

You might want to leave the bottle.

Now, I can't take all the credit for our success, Mrs. Baxter.

I was running on fumes until I hired Kristin to be our manager.

She brings this place class.

Uh, Ryan, hey. What are you doing here?

Mike: Boyd?

Hi.

Hey, honey.

Uh, management finally countered our offer.

That's great.

Ah, great.

Yeah, so, the union called an emergency vote.

Can you take Boyd?

Uh, I... I'm... I'm at work.

Well, m... maybe you guys could take him.

How long do we have to watch him this time?

An hour? Five years?

It should only be an hour, but we do have a lot...

Ooh, is that pretzel bread?

You're gonna be eating with the adults tonight, all right?

But I know they got something you like... snails.

Yeah, they're fresh. You bet.

I saw them walk around the sidewalk out front.

This doesn't look like fun.

I would have had more fun as Clarissa Wheaton, 23-year-old wine orderer.

Oh, hey, Ryan.

Oh, hey.

Mike: He's not staying.

He's doing his best to save the world from affordable beer.

Compliments of the owner, an amuse-bouche.

Vanessa: Ooh, salmon.

Yeah.

I love salmon.

Speaking of which, John has been working day and night to open his new seafood restaurant out in Larimer Square.

Proud of you, son.

I hope you don't mind me calling you "son."

It... it just seems to fit.

You know, uh, Ryan here makes his own yogurt.

Oh, Mike, come on.

Yeah, well, of course the guy can afford to open a new restaurant... pays his waiters nothing.

R... Ryan, this... this isn't the time or place.

Oh, state minimum wage is $7.78 an hour, but restaurants pay their waiters about half that.

Yeah, that's because our staff does really well on tips.

Here's a tip... don't bite the hand that's literally feeding you.

And just so you know, kitchen workers don't get paid sick days, so there's probably a guy with the flu right now making your $20 salad.

Ha, yeah, the joke's on you.

I'm gonna have the soup, okay?

Should, uh, really be getting to your meeting now, Ryan.

Probably.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

I forgot I was, uh, talking to "management."

You two must have a lot of laughs.

They don't.

Boyd, honey, did you enjoy your dinner?

The macaroni and cheese tasted funny.

Yeah, yeah, that's 'cause it had truffles in it.

It's a fungus that pigs root up out of the ground with their noses.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth.

Ha ha! I got...

Hang that up, will you, please?

Boy, I tell you what, that John Baker puts together a nice restaurant.

He gave cinnamon toothpicks.

With those, you don't even need dessert.

[Chuckles]

Got those amazing eyes, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, what are they? Blue? Green? Hazel?

Whatever. I was lost in them all night.

You get in line, girl.

[Knocking on door] Eve: Ugh!

The doorknob doesn't work on this side anymore!

Nice try, Eve.

I have school tomorrow. Just saying.

My favorite customers are the ones on bad dates.

They never finish their wine.

So, uh, what are you in the mood for...

"Rejected marriage proposal" or "looked nothing like his profile picture"?

Hmm. Give me a glass of "Mr. Photoshop."

We had a pretty good night.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about all the whining at my folks' table.

I'm talking about Ryan, not Boyd.

No, you don't have to apologize for Ryan.

You know, he's in a bad place right now.

Yeah, well, we're all in a bad place if his strike goes much longer, and now Boyd has a school trip to some old-west town.

It's gonna cost 65 bucks.

Oh.

Well, look what I just found.

And here's a little extra.

You know, maybe he wants to stop by the saloon, buy himself a fancy painted lady.

[Chuckles]

Uh, thank you, John. But, I mean, no, I was...

I was not shaking you down for money.

Okay.

But, you know, I was serious when I told your folks that you're a big part of the success of this place.

You and I are a good team.

[Glasses clink]

I could kiss you for saying that.

I wouldn't stop you.

Hey, uh...

Sorry. [Chuckling] I have to go.

Sorry, um...

Are you upset?

No.

Yes, I... but not at you, okay?

I am just so frustrated with Ryan.

I... I... I would have never mentioned kissing you if I was in my right mind.

Thank you.

No.

Y... you know what I mean, okay?

You... you've been a great friend, and I certainly think you're attractive.

Goodnight.

Uh, shoes. Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hi.

What are you still doing up?

Oh, Eve texted me that she was in the closet, so I texted her back and told her that I love her and accept her no matter what.

And then I realized she meant the coat closet, so...

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Hey.

So sorry I'm late.

Oh, Boyd's asleep in there on the couch.

Where were you?

Yeah, John keep you after work?

What? No... no, why... why would you say that?

I guess I was just wondering if John kept you after work.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

[Chuckles]

You know, somebody pretty famous wrote that.

And by tomorrow at 11:00 A.M., I have to know who.

Mom, listen, uh, I need to ask you for a loan for Boyd's school trip.

[Sighs] I'm sorry.

Can we keep this a D.T.D.?

Don't tell dad what?

Kristin needs money.

Don't tell dad.

How much money do you need, honey?

Hey, no, wait. What's this?

We don't need to take your mom's money.

We're not giving it to you, we're giving it to her, and we're keeping it a secret from me.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I'm picking up Boyd. I texted you.

You did not. I didn't get a text fr...

Oh.

You know, it would be nice to be able to get a hold of you every once in a while.

Why?

Do you have some more insults you want me to relay to my boss?

Oh, kris, when you were a waitress, you had the same complaints about management, so don't...

You know, w... when your dad and I used to fight, we would take it down to the basement.

It's just... it's nice and quiet down there.

And there's a drain in the floor in case it gets really ugly.

We are not fighting, mom, okay?

So, is the strike over?

Uh, no. Not quite yet. They met our wage demands.

But they pushed back on overtime, so I convinced everyone to hold off for the whole package.

Okay, now we're fighting.

Why would you not accept that offer?

Because it's not good enough.

We're not just gonna cave...

We have $3.48 in our checking account.

I'd say it's time to cave.

I can't even look at you right now.

Kris.

[Stammering]

Well, but she's...

Ah, no, no, no, no.

I'm thinking she can...

Bup, bup, bup.

She can hit him...

Zhush-zhush!

I'm taking Boyd home.

I don't know where you're going tonight, but I don't want to see you there.

[Door closes]

How did that go for you?

She told me not to come home.

[Exhales deeply]

[Sighs]

Well, you had a good run.

Hey, Mike Baxter... here for Outdoor Man.

Why do people feel like they need to go with the flow?

I like to chart my own course, use my effort to make my boat go where I want it to go, but some people love conformity.

[Chuckles]

Ahh, the communist party.

This is what happens when everyone is forced to bactly the same.

Yeah, and then there are these poor, stupid bastards... adorable little Obama supporters.

They must think universal healthcare's at the bottom of that cliff.

No. Just little lemming death panels.

America's great because of people who think for themselves, innovators like Bill Gates, Ronald Reagan, Howard Swifson.

Who's Howard Swifson, you ask?

He's the C.E.O. of Swifson Watercraft, developer of the lightweight, carbon-fiber canoe paddle.

[Chuckles] Amazing.

I wonder where you could find one.

How about Outdoor Man?

So, now, remember, everyone do exactly as I say... start thinking for yourselves.

Look, Jimmy Hoffa.

[Exhales sharply]

Why is Ryan on the couch?

I told him he could spend the night here.

What? What is it? What? You look confused.

Yeah, I'm confused.

In a Kristin-Ryan breakup, why do we have custody of Ryan?

But she told him he couldn't go home.

What was I supposed to do?

Break out the champagne and the caviar.

Oh, yeah? And what about Boyd?

Boyd doesn't like truffles.

I don't think he's gonna like fish eggs.

Kris, it's me, again, obviously.

I don't blame you for not taking the call.

I... I know this has been hard, and I'm really sorry.

Please call me back, all right?

Oh, Mandy?

Oh, my God. Hi.

Do you have a minute?

I... I could use someone to talk to.

Yeah, I was, like, on my way to get some stuff to do...

Okay.

Hey, Eve, do you want to help me cheer Ryan up?

Nope, I'm good.

Good morning, Eve.

Dad.

What's going on in school today?

Maybe a quiz or two. What's new with you?

Not much.

Just thinking about free healthcare and what it's gonna cost me.

I'm gonna shove off to school now.

Bye, mom.

Bye.

I'll see you later, dad.

Not if I see you first, which I will.

Oh-ho-ho.

I'm gonna go bring these in to Ryan.

W... w... w... wait, have we really discussed our options here?

Well, either I bring these to Ryan, or they go cold.

Either way, he'll eat them.

Their relationship is at a crossroads.

You know, maybe it's run its course.

No, no, no, they're gonna work this out.

Don't be such a pessimist.

You know what? Kristin is just mad because she has to carry the whole load right now.

And he's not lifting a finger.

Look, maybe it's time to look at our options... like a handsome guy who owns his own restaurant?

What? Now, I am not gonna undermine Kristin's relationship.

Well, maybe if you stop feeding it, it'll go away.

It'll be like that mangy, one-eyed cat we stopped feeding.

Mike, that cat was put down by animal control.

I don't think we're gonna get that lucky with Ryan.

They have a child together... our grandson.

W... we have to root for their family.

I'm rooting for my family... Kristin and Boyd.

Do you really think that guy in there is the best possible future for them?

Yeah.

I am the best possible future for them, Mike.

'Cause no one could love kris and Boyd more than I do.

I mean, what, you don't think that this is k*lling me?

I can't sleep. I can barely eat.

You barely ate a whole lasagna last night.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know what I want you to do, but you can't keep sleeping on my couch.

I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.

I'm not crossing that picket line, Mike.

I didn't ask you to cross the picket line.

I support your right to strike, but I also support you supporting my grandson.

And I support that, too.

You just got to find just some way to bring home the bacon or... or tofu sausage or w... whatever a manly vegetarian brings home.

You're right.

I need to get a job, some ing to tide us over.

And I'm just gonna have to take anything.

Kristin and Boyd deserve that.

You might try the post office.

It turns out our mailman had a mild heart att*ck Monday.

Boo.

Oh. Oh. Hey, Mandy. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to catch up with my big sis.

Okay, well, I have a minute.

I just stopped home to change my shoes, and then I got to go pick up Boyd.

Okay. So, uh, how's life? How's the new place?

Are you sleeping with your boss?

What? No, what...

What? Of course not.

Ohh. Oh, okay.

So, I guess that thing that I saw at the restaurant between you and John was...

Two co-workers interacting professionally...

Two... oh.

... In a work environment.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Kristin.

What?

Okay, go... go ahead. Stare me down.

That doesn't work on me anymore.

Okay, we almost kissed.

Damn it! [Groans]

I have a sixth sense about these things!

Yeah, but nothing happened, Mandy.

Yeah, well, something kind of happened because you guys almost kissed. So, what's up with that?

But I stopped it. Well, part of me didn't want to.

Yeah, that part gets me in trouble a lot, too.

Just, you know, I got caught up in the moment.

John is an amazing person.

So, what, you're gonna dump Ryan so you can be with John?

No.

Sometimes I wish Ryan were more... motivated.

Like John.

Yes, but still Ryan.

I really do love him.

John?

Ryan.

Oh.

I... I'm not looking for a guy who's gonna take care of me, but I also... I don't want a guy that I'll have to take care of.

Okay, good.

I have all the information I need. Let's go.

Uh, where?

It's a surprise.

I need to show you something. Come on.

Okay.

[Chuckling] Oh, my God. Stop.

You drove all the way home to change your shoes, and that's what you pick?

No.

What are we doing at dad's store?

Something you just need to see.

The cleaning crew?

You told me there was a surprise.

Is... is one of these guys gonna strip?

Is that Ryan?

Mm-hmm.

He took a job as the night janitor... for minimum wage... with dad as his boss.

Tell me that guy doesn't love you.

He always said he didn't know how to vacuum.

Honey, that was really nice of you to give Ryan a job.

Oh, it was the night shift.

I was just doing my part to make sure the grandchild population stays at one.

Yep. Goodnight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not done here.

We're not?

Don't I get a reward for being such a nice guy?

Well, yeah, as long as nice guys don't finish first.

You can consider that a compliment.

[Laughs]

Oh, God. I can't take it anymore!

You know what?

I quit.

I quit. You win.

Why did I think this was a safe place to hide?

I knew that would flush her out.

Mm-hmm.

Goodnight, babe.