03x09 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Football on. Women setting the table.

Why can't every day be Thanksgiving?

So Sundays, mondays, Thursdays aren't enough?

Halftime's almost over.

You got any husband or father questions, lay them on me.

Well, actually, we need someone to bring up some extra chairs from the basement.

Right. So nothing, right? Good, good.

Grandpa, wait!

Ha! Yeah. Almost made it.

I'm doing a class project on what we're thankful for.

Yeah, he wants to do a video like your vlogs for outdoor man.

Everybody's thankful for those.

I liked the one where the president needs to pull his head out of putin's butt.

Um, okay, why are there two chairs at the kids' table?

Please tell me he's bringing a date.

Sorry, Eve, but there's no room at the boring, grown-up table, so you get to sit with Boyd at the special table.

You know "special" doesn't mean the same thing it used to?

Sorry, honey, but we're full.

We got grandpa, Bud, Kyle, Ryan.

Mike, shake a leg.

The football intermission is almost over.

There's someone who should be at the special table.

So I guess someone is just gonna have to die before I can sit at the big table?

Ryan's in the den by himself.

How bad do you want it?

Come on, Eve. What are you thankful for? [Beep]

I'm thankful that if I strangled you right now, I wouldn't be tried as an adult.

I'm thankful there is a lot of people in the room.

All right, can you pace somewhere else, Sally?

You're making me nervous.

Uh, can I confess something to you, Eve?

All right, if you're coming out, let me go get my dad, 'cause he's been expecting this for years.

Please don't tell Kristin.

She probably has her suspicions.

Eve, look... I've made a significant wager on this game with a guy at work.

When did you start betting on football?

Yesterday.

My neighbor told me the lions couldn't lose, and he must know because he's a huge lions fan.

Whayeah, what isd?

Yeah, what is The spread?

'Cause he tried to explain it to me, but it's very confusing.

You know the lions have lost nine straight games on Thanksgiving?

So they're due.

Kyle, what do you mean you're not coming?!

So what if your grandmother's missing?

She'll turn up, yeah.

And, babe, if she wanders in the wrong house, who cares?

Everybody's having the same meal anyway.

Wait, wait. So no Kyle?

No.

[Scoffs] Maybe I should wander the streets in my bathrobe, see if he comes looking for me.

What am I thankful for?

Uh, well, I guess I'm thankful for science, specifically the fermentation process that helps me get through the holidays.

You know, uh, his teacher's gonna see this.

She'll probably send you a pamphloh, honey, stop.

Hey, guys, guess what.

Kyle's out. I'm back in the bigs.

Sorry, squirt. You're on your own.

You know you do only get to eat the food that falls off the big table, right?

Hey, the game started?

Yeah, but Ryan's still in there.

Since when did he like football?

What? Did they run out of Ted talks on bees?

Honey, your dad will be here soon.

You can watch football with him.

Thanksgiving... my favorite time of the year with my dad.

You know, football, Turkey, eat, sleep, repeat.

If I time it right, we'll never have to say a word to each other.

Well, might as well get this party started.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Mnh-mnh.

Mom, I need to take the edge off.

As if anyone's ever accused you of being sharp.

You know the rule in this house.

Mom, don't worry. I'll leave you some.

All right, you know what? Maybe one glass with dinokay.

As long as you're pouring, 'cause I know you have a heavy hand.

Oh, stop! [Chuckles]

Oh, yes!

Nice football catch. [Whistle blows]

It was a nice catch, but it wasn't made by a lion.

He threw it to the wrong team.

He gets a do-over, right?

This is what I love about football. Explaining it to somebody else.

[Knock on door]

Oh, Mike, will you grab that? [Stutters]

Hey, grandpa Bud.

Kristin!

Hi!

Oh, wow.

Look at you.

You're like an entirely different person.

Grandpa!

Hey! Look at you!

What a great, big guy.

[Grunts] Actually, uh, he is your great-grandpa, sweetie.

That's right.

You got a good grandpa and a great grandpa.

Here's a butterscotch. Go play in a tree.

[Sighs]

Pop.

Son.

[Laughs] Uh...

Yeah.

Um... How... how was the, uh, car ride?

Same as always.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, this conversation ran out of steam quick, didn't it?

But the game's on in the den. I'll get you a beer.

Hey. Uh, oh, hang on.

I haven't said hello to your beautiful bride.

Bud! Hi!

How are you?

And to my smart granddaughter.

Grandpa. Oh.

And to my...

Even smarter, more beautiful granddaughter?

Sure.

Yay!

You're in a good mood, Bud.

I got a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Oh, really? Oh, quick. Hurry, Boyd.

Someone's actually thankful for something.

I got an announcement. I got my license.

I'm gonna start selling grass.

Bud, please tell me you're going into the sod business.

No. Pot, weed, marijuana. It... it...

All right, let's... let's clip this on, yeah.

Yeah, that's not a... uh, come here. Come here, Boyd.

Let's, uh...

It's gonna be legal here in Colorado as of January 1.

Are we gonna get like a family discount, like at outdoor man?

No, no, no! Hey, hey!

And you want to know what the best part is?

I'm making you my partner.

Store's gonna be called Baxter and son.

Yeah, that, uh, teacher's gonna be sending me a whole bunch of pamphlets now.

Mike, why... why didn't you tell me about your dad's pot-store scheme?

'Cause I never thought he'd go through with this.

It's hard to get the license.

It's almost frightening Colorado gave him one.

No. I... it's almost impressive.

You know, we have always taught our kids to stay away from pot.

Yeah.

And now suddenly it's the family business?

I can't tell this guy anything.

If I say no, he says yes.

He ate a wax apple once just because I said, "dad, that's a wax apple."

To this day, he'll say, "that's the best apple I've ever eaten."

Baxter and son?

No, I never said that... yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

I mean, Baxter... Baxter...

it's not just his name. I'm not gonna say... it's your name. It's my name. I know. I know.

It's our... it's our kids' name, our grandson.

It's like we're all getting rolled up in the same doobie.

Uh, I guess you two are discussing my proposal.

Just help me out here.

I-I-I thought you were looking into raising alpacas.

Yeah.

Turns out they're just tall, mean goats.

So the next logical step was pot?

You got there, too.

I got my permit, my store lease.

All I need is your marketing genius.

No.

Son, this is a gold mine.

I missed out on polaroid and hip-hugger jeans.

I'm not missing out on this one.

Call me old-fashioned.

I don't want people scoring grass from my kids' grandpa.

Yeah. You sell g*ns.

Oh, don't start with this.

Oh, God. No, no.

Don't start with the...

I don't mind, but a lot of people have trouble with that.

It's the second amendment, dad. It's in the constitution.

So is my thing. What thing?!

Pursuit of happiness.

That's in the declaration of independence, by the way.

Oh, you're always a nerd.

I don't want to be part of this.

Fine. I get it.

You don't have any faith in your old man.

It's not that.

Yes, it is!

No... no, it's not that!

Yes, you and your brother both.

What does he have to do with this? He worked for you 25 years.

He just wanted to move out on his own.

Unh-unh.

He was looking for any little excuse...

No, he wasn't.

You come up with this... to push me out of the business that I started.

I sh*t him through the foot with a nail g*n one time, and he pushed me out.

Yeah.

You nailed his foot to a board.

I'm going out for a smoke. Don't worry.

It's just the boring kind where you get cancer.

[Sighs] Uh, honey, this is, uh, probably the wrong time, but did you tell him not to smoke around the kids?

But what I'm most thankful for is this driver's license, which allows me to drink anywhere...

Except this house.

And for Clarissa wheaton, who was too drunk to notice the night it fell out of her bra.

Mom? Nope. Erase that one, too.

It is so not fair that you get to drink and I don't.

Aw. I'd say I care, but this is my second glass, so pbht!

[Scoffs]

No wine, no Kyle.

Seriously, I'm getting a real sense of the hardship suffered by the amish at pilgrim rock.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I hope that's either Kyle or his grandma.

Please, please, please, please, please!

Hmm.

Oh, it's just you.

Aha.

All right, I'm getting a mixed message here.

The mat says "welcome."

Ah.

Happy Turkey day. Where should I put this?

It's from my vineyard. I'll take that.

I'll take that.

Welcome, Ed. What? Did you forget where you lived?

[Laughs] Dementia humor. Hilarious.

"Raving lunatic red"?

Yeah. It's named after my second ex-wife.

And like her, it's rich, playful, and has a nutty finish.

This is why I do all the marketing at the store.

You know, Ed, why don't you stay for dinner?

We always have room for one more at our table.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, we don't.

Uh, d-don't you have plans, Mr. alzate?

Yes, yes. Yeah.

Uh, I'm going up to the veterans hall and have Thanksgiving dinner with the guys.

American holiday with American heroes.

What a night. [Laughs]

Actually, it's pretty grim unless Barney brings his niece.

Then everybody gets to dance.

Now, Ed, come on. Yeah.

You're gonna have dinner with us.

Come on. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go.

All right, all right, all right.

Sorry, Eve. You're back to the kids' table.

Too bad, squirt.

I'm gonna pretend I can't cut my own meat so you have to do it.

Dad, dad, come on! Come on!

I'm going downstairs, get away from all these grumpy, old men.

But you're a grumpy, old man.

Well, the wax apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Who's winning?

Those... Other guys who aren't the lions.

I've made a significant wager on the lions.

They haven't won on Thanksgiving in nine years.

They're due. That's my system.

Horrible system.

Who are you?

I'm, uh, Ryan, Boyd's father.

Didn't you run out on Kristin?

I did, but I'm back now, and I'm trying to do my best for Kristin and Boyd.

I promised myself that if I ever saw you, I'd k*ll you.

But... but you're not going to, right?

I'll see how it goes.

I'm Bud.

It's nice to meet you.

You're a builder, right?

Was. Getting into the marijuana trade.

Oh, oh, that's gonna be huge for Colorado, and the doughnut stores that open next to them.

Why is that?

'Cause when you smoke pot, you get the munchies.

You... you get hungry.

Good tip.

Better than the one you got on the lions.

Lucky for you, you're getting four points.

Yeah, okay, from who?

Who is giving them these points?

Who bets on football without knowing what The Spread is?

Who opens a pot store without knowing what the munchies are?

Got me there.

So, uh, now that you've gotten to know me, do you still want to k*ll me?

Honestly... Yes.

What you doing, grandpa?

I'm down in my basement, watching a football game on a radio.

Now can we do what we're thankful for?

In a minute. Come on in here. I want to show you something.

[Static] Look at this. Ready?

All right.

Mike, k-a-0-x-t-t.

Just a little shout-out.

Anybody having a good time here on Thanksgiving?

[Static]

Anybody hiding in their basement to avoid their relatives?

[All talking]

Now, the thing I like about these guys, if I don't want to listen to them, I just turn them down like this.

Grandpa, this is due on Monday.

All right. Calm down. Let's do your little report.

[Beep]

Um, what am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for radio, specifically ham radio.

Ham radio is heavily regulated by the FCC, the same people who censor network television, but not cable, so drug dealers and murderers become our heroes.

They not only censor, but they regulate my ham radio.

They require me to have a license, tests, and if they don't like what I have to say, they can fine me or lock me up.

What a great way to treat the last line of communication during the coming apocalypse.

Why does the government choose to regulate free speech and ham radio, but anybody can operate... oh, I don't know... a hemp outlet?

So this Thanksgiving, while the rest of you are enjoying your Turkey, I'm savoring my ham.

Happy Thanksgiving, FCC, 'cause I know you're listening.

I should have just done a book report.

It's so great that you found your grandma, Kyle.

Yeah, now just prop her up in front of the TV and stick a real heavy book in her lap so she can't wander off again.

Hey, dad.

Michael.

Uh, Mike, the Detroit lions were just given a two-minute warning.

Is this bad.

Yeah.

It means I've, like, missed 58 minutes of the damn game.

You know, dad, you're gonna have to eventually talk to me.

Otherwise, I'm not gonna give you a dinner roll.

You're off the hook.

The bearded kid is gonna partner with me on the pot store.

Ryan?

Not that bearded kid. This one.

What do you want me to say? He calls me "kid."

Ooh. [Laughs]

Oh, that's a nice bird, Mike.

Some people fry it, but I say smoking is the way to go.

I'm sure you do, cheech.

You're not really going in business with Chong in there, are you?

Of course I am. He has a great business plan.

What's his plan, Ed?

Sell pot.

You just can't get in the business of selling pot.

[Sighs] It's not good for us.

It's really not good for our business.

We run a store called outdoor man, not burning man.

I understand, but I feel bad for Bud, being put out to pasture at his age.

A man needs someplace to go in the morning.

Why doesn't he just lift the seat and go where the rest of us go, and then head out and go fishing?

That's the fantasy we sell at our stores, Mike.

Every time an... an old guy comes in and buys a boat, what he's really doing is buying his own coffin.

Another reason why I do all the marketing for our stores.

Well, maybe dad does need this, but you shouldn't do it with him.

You're right. I shouldn't.

You should.

He just doesn't want to go into business.

He wants to go into business with you.

That's why he called the pot store Baxter and son.

He calls every business Baxter and son.

He has no imagination.

The guy's had six dogs, all of them named dusty.

He's scared, Mike, just like I was scared when I started with my store and a certain younger man came in to help, and he made outdoor man what it is today.

Thanks, Ed.

All right.

Almost makes up for me not having half the business.

Ryan: Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, wait. What... what happened?

I'm so sorry. What?

I know we don't have a lot of money, but I just lost a bet on football.

You what?! How... how could you do that?

I am such an idiot.

Yeah, I know you want some pushback on that, but I think you nailed it.

You don't know anything about football.

You have no idea how much he doesn't know.

But in the spirit of the holiday, I guess I should tell you that you actually won.

What?

No. The lions lost.

No. You get to add four points to the lions' score.

That's The Spread.

That's The Spread?

I won? Oh, I love The Spread.

You won?! Yeah, you won! Yeah, I won!

Yes! How much?! $20!

That's it?!

Boyd, get out your camera.

[Beep] Daddy is thankful for illegal sports betting and...

I give up.

Hot, hot, hot.

Hey! The Turkey's ready!

It's time for dinner!

Yeah.

I've been thinking about my dad's business, and I want to help him a little bit.

What kind of message does that send to the kids? It's... look, that's... get out. No!

You know, it's just a bit hypocritical.

Alcohol's just as bad. It's addictive.

It causes liver disease. Well...

If they invented booze today, the FDA would never even allow it, and... and the lrish would probably rule the world.

[Sighs]

And we wouldn't have had Mandy.

Uh, dad, are you saying that pot is okay?

[Scoffs]

No, it's not okay... not okay for you and nobody in this house.

Just because they voted for something stupid in Colorado doesn't mean we got to jump on that train.

All right, Mike, so... so you're against it, but you're gonna go into business with your dad.

I'm not going into business with dad.

I just... I just want to be his son.

I mean, yeah. Come on, man.

You know, if it's not hurting anyone, why get the law involved?

Like sports betting, which it turns out I'm awesome at.

Hey, hey.

What do you say we parlay your winnings on the money line to the late game?

Mike, I don't even know what that means. But yes.

Okay, baxters.

Thank you for the invitation, but I've got to meet my pals at the VFW.

Vanessa: Ohh, man. I'm feeling a little guilty, and Barney's niece is a definite go.

[Indistinct conversation]

Hey. See you later.

Yes!

Back at the big table.

You can cut your own meat, meat.

It ain't over till it's over, meat.

Dad, we're ready to eat.

Late game's starting.

Oh, perfect!

Football game starts, and we got to eat.

Kid from one of those talent shows just made a meal out of the national anthem.

"Home of the brave" alone took a minute and 40 seconds.

I want to talk about your marijuana business.

Ed's out.

Why? You talked him out of it?

Because you don't need him. You've done all the hard work yourself.

You got the licensing. That's the big deal.

What you need is a marketing genius, and I happen to know one.

What changed your mind?

I was thinking about Jimmy.

You know, he put up with you for 25 years.

Now I guess it's my turn.

Just promise me you're not gonna nail my foot to a board.

Well, I am delighted to know that we are finally gonna become partners.

Um... We're not gonna be partners.

The truth is I don't want to be part of the business, and I do not want my family part of this.

I'm just a son helping out his dad.

Not seen, not paid, and, knowing you, not listened to.

All right, what's our first step?

First step, dad, is I want to change the name.

I don't want Baxter and son.

Oh, come on! I like that name.

And so it begins right away.

All right, look. How about I call it dusty's.

Bud's Buds.

Bud's Buds.

There you go.

I don't get it.

You will. Come on.

All right. Dinner's served.

Time for us to eat the munchies.

Yeah, you're not using that right.

[Doorbell rings]

Kyle's here! He made it! [Laughs]

Yay.

Oh, crap.

I'm thankful I get to share the little table with my aunt Eve.

See? Was that so hard?

All right, all right.

To all my... Winos, gamblers, and drug dealers, happy Thanksgiving.