03x11 - Elfie

[bunniefuu]

[Laughter] Boyd, honey, that was a wonderful Christmas show.

Yeah, it was great. All the favorites.

Yeah.

"Frosty The Snowman," "Santa Claus is Coming To Town."

You hate going to a concert where the band says, "and now we're gonna do some stuff off our new album."

Enough dawdling in the hallway, people.

Mike: Come on in.

Not loving this neighborhood.

I've already got the nine and the one dialed on my phone.

Wow. Look at this place.

Look at this.

Yeah.

It's beginning to look... Nothing like Christmas.

Honey, where's your tree?

Uh, in the forest, where it belongs.

There's a word for chopping down a perfectly healthy tree... m*rder.

So, what's the word for this wooden table here?

"su1c1de"? What is this?

Speaking of m*rder, this bum fight downstairs is getting real.

Okay, w... take... take your coats off. Can I get you guys anything?

Uh, do you have heat?

Oh, I'll make some hot cocoa, okay?

Ryan made some "holiday" cookies.

Ooh. Listen, honey.

You and your class sang with such enthusiasm.

I could really feel how much you wanted that figgy pudding.

♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪
♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

Boyd. Hey! Zip-up-up-up!

♪ Oh, bring...

Hey, nobody's holding up their lighter for an encore, okay?

You know, I just wish the school had made more of an effort to include traditions from other cultures.

Mike: I don't know.

I think it's refreshing just having Christmas rammed down our throat.

Okay, Michael, what about people in the audience who don't happen to celebrate Christmas?

Uh, maybe they shouldn't go...

Ooh.

To something called the "Christmas" concert.

I don't head to a luau and go, "what's with all the Hawaiian crap?"

Are you forgetting our honeymoon?

No, these cookies must be from last Christmas, 'cause they're as hard as a rock.

Actually, Mandy, those are called "Pepparkakors."

Swedes bake them to celebrate the winter solstice.

And, Vanessa, you're enjoying a sesame-seed kwanzaa cookie, popular among African-Americans.

Are you sure? 'Cause I watch a lot of rap videos.

They're never eating these on a yacht.

What is it about liberals who just load up December with every holiday that's just in December?

You know what? If we're at your house, you can celebrate the holidays the way you like... with consumerism and conspicuous consumption.

And the birth of the savior.

I heard 18 songs about Jesus tonight.

I'm pretty sure he's got nothing to complain about.

But now we're at my house, and we're gonna celebrate the holidays the way I decide.

Should I press the last "one" in case we need an ambulance?

No. He's right.

His beach, his ocean.

Mm. Well, you know what?

We still have plenty of Christmas at our house.

We m*rder*d a huge tree this year.

Big tree.

And, honey, all your Christmas presents are gonna be there Christmas morning.

Uh, a-actually, it'll be more like the afternoon, mom.

What? Y-you're not bringing Boyd over Christmas morning?

And now is when you're gonna want to call that ambulance.

I-I'm sorry, but we want to open presents over here, while Ryan plays his didgeridoo.

It's an aboriginal tradition.

Uh... Uh, y... of course.

Uh, it's fine. Sure.

I mean, who wants to be awakened by the excitement of a child on Christmas morning?

I don't.

Hey. Well, you made the kid's grandma cry.

So, what country's tradition is that from?

Mom, I-I know you're disappointed we won't be here Christmas morning.

But I promise you can count on us for dinner.

Well, we can start a new tradition... we could have dinner at 7:00 A.M.

Honey, we got to go. W-w-wait. Wait.

Uh, Boyd, come here, honey. Come here.

Grandma has something for you.

Boyd, meet Elfie.

Thanks, grandma.

I'll use my imagination to make it fun.

Oh, honey, no. Elfie is Santa's helper.

He reports back to Santa everything you want for Christmas.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We'll do the same thing we do every year.

We write a letter. We send it to the North Pole. It gets right to Santa.

Yeah, but with climate change, you better hurry up 'cause that pole's headed to the bottom of the ocean.

You know what?

None of that matters because now Santa has Elfie to tell him who's been naughty and who's been nice.

Cool. I didn't know he was magic.

So was Chucky. That didn't end well.

Don't worry, Elfie. I'll be good!

Vanessa, the toy is really sweet.

Ye.

But, you know, we don't want Boyd to behave just because he thinks he's being watched and judged by some omniscient being.

You don't need to hear that.

Mike, you just said the elf was ridiculous.

That's before I realized you were against it.

Now I'm gonna buy one.

Ryan, can't we just let this go?

I mean, Elfie looks like fun.

Okay. Fine.

Look, son, nobody's watching you, okay?

It's just a very nice doll.

Oh. Then, no thanks, grandma.

Boys don't play with dolls.

Well, son, hold on. That's a stereotype.

Yeah. Boys play with dolls.

So you want me to keep him?

Well, that's up to you.

But I want us to have an open dialogue about the doll.

I'm tired.

We're all tired, Boyd. You know what?

Didn't we say that when it comes to Christmas, I get to celebrate with my family my way?

Yeah, yeah, we did. We said in your house.

But l-look around. Look. There's nice stuff.

That would say that we're in my house.

And in my house, we don't celebrate the navajo corn festival.

We celebrate Christmas.

And in case you haven't noticed, there's a new sheriff in town, and his name's Elfie.

Boyd, I'll tell you what, why don't... why don't we keep Elfie here and you can play with him whenever you come over?

Right, and you can go home and play with your didgeridoo-doo, whatever that thing is.

Honey, can we please go?

Okay, okay, okay.

What do you say to grandma for getting you Elfie, huh?

It's the thought that counts.

Ohh.

Sorry.

All right, bye-bye.

Oh, that is too bad.

I think Boyd would've really had fun with that.

Yeah, real fun. A doll that sits and judges you.

Oh, hey, mom, dad, I've been thinking a lot about Christmas, and I have a great idea.

Oh. Yay! Finally, somebody with the holiday spirit.

Yep. So, this year instead of presents, I just want cash.

Somewhere an angel lost its wings.

Hear me out, okay?

Every year, you guys get me stuff that I don't really like and I return it for cash anyways, right?

You feel bad, I feel bad.

[Inhales sharply] Jobs are lost somehow.

You know?

We're not just giving you cash.

Okay, plan "B"... uh, nobody buys me any presents, and I don't buy any for anybody else.

I think somebody just found that angel's wings and b*at it to death with them.

You guys get to keep your money, I keep mine, and then we all just buy what we want for ourselves.

That's a great tax policy, but it doesn't work for Christmas.

Mandy, y-you're old enough now, I'm not gonna force Christmas spirit on you.

But I hope that one day you figure out Christmas is not about the stuff you get.

It's about making other people happy.

Like you've just done for me. Thank you so much, mom!

Merry Christmas!

Okay, mija, you sit here and work on your Christmas card.

I got to get some laundry started.

Oh, h-hello.

Hi, little girl.

Are you lost, or is this the most adorable home invasion ever?

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

I'm Maria.

You must be Mandy.

Yeah.

My aunt blanca always says how beautiful you are.

Oh, thank you.

On the outside.

Thank you!

That's such a pretty dress.

I know, right?

Ooh, my parents got it for me for my great aunt Edna's funeral, but I faked a cold so I didn't have to go. Shh!

Everybody thought aunt edna was faking a cold, too, but it turns out she wasn't.

But I got a new dress out of it.

So, you know, circle of life. [Laughs]

Oh, hey, miss Mandy. You met my niece.

I had to pick her up from school because my sister was working.

Mandy, check out the Christmas card I'm making for my father.

Maria's father is away fighting for his country.

Oh. Who is Mexico at w*r with?

No. Oscar's American like me.

He's in Afghanistan.

You know, this is the second year in a row that he won't be home for Christmas.

It's a big sacrifice, but...

They're out there 24/7, keeping our country safe.

This is me...

Oh.

...and my brother...

Mm-hmm.

And my mother.

And here's my father in Afghanistan.

That's rain, right?

No. Those are b*ll*ts.

All right.

Hey, Boyd, get down here!

Now it's time to play a little skit called "elf messes with dwarf."

Hey, Boyd. Clean up this mess.

I'm still playing with it.

You're still playing with that piece of carrot and that one shoe?

Kind of.

All right, fine, it's your funeral, but I'd be a little worried about misbehaving in front of Elfie there.

My dad says he's just a toy.

Maybe, maybe not.

But what I'm asking is, is, do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya... Punk?

Pbht! [Chuckles]

Oh, man. I'm so playing this at his wedding.

Hey, Boyd.

Just got an interesting text from Santa here.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was him.

A lot of typos, like a fat guy wearing mittens.

Uh, he said you made faces at the elf and shook your butt at him.

Elfie saw me?

And he went straight to the big guy.

I'm sorry. I'll clean all this up.

Yeah, well, hey, and when you're done here, if you want to score extra points with Elfie, you know, you... I'll let you clean my room.

Thanks, aunt Eve.

Hey, mom, do you need any chores done?

Hey. I like it.

At least somebody's sucking up for the holidays. [Chuckles]

No, I've got myself a little helper monkey.

Check it out.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, I hid a trail camera in the Christmas tree so that Boyd would think the elf was watching him.

Look.

Cool.

You know, you're playing a mean trick on your nephew and I don't like it.

And a great trick on his dad. I love it.

We can pump with this kid with so much Christmas spirit, he'll be farting candy canes at his dad's house.

Wait a minute.

Did you use my XT-41 camera?

Mm-hmm.

That's a great image, isn't it?

Look at that.

Yeah.

Please tell me you don't have other cameras hidden all over the house.

Yeah, that's what I do at work.

I watch you chop vegetables all day.

Mike, I-I have a job.

[Door closes]

Oh, my God.

Those candy canes he's eating are 10 years old.

We should get down there before he starts in on the tinsel.

[Chuckles]

Wait.

What is he looking at now?

Uh-oh. We've been compromised.

Call the president. Fire up a couple of drones.

Surveillance? Seriously, Mike?

This is what holidays must have been like at the Nixon white house.

You leave Nixon alone.

He opened up China for the rest of the world.

Without that, there'd be no toys for anyone.

Don't blame Mike.

Eve put the camera there to fool Boyd.

Well, give me some credit. It is my camera.

Hey, buddy.

I finished cleaning up Eve's room.

Now I'm gonna clean up muffin's poop in the yard.

Honey, use the pooper-scooper.

I'll use both my pooper-scoopers.

Wait. Why are you doing all these chores?

I'm just being a really good boy.

The kind who deserves his very own bounce house.

Okay, Boyd, stop talking to the toy, okay?

Elfie's not a toy.

He's real. He sees everything.

You know what goes good th awiounce house?

Robots.

You know what? I can't let this go on any longer.

Y-yeah, you want to tell him the truth, don't you?

Tell him the truth that robots and bouncy houses are natural enemies.

Boyd, the elf can't really see you, okay?

Aunt Eve was playing a trick on you.

She hid a camera right here in the Christmas tree.

Do you see that?

Oh.

I liked it more when the elf was real.

Of course, you did.

Uh, honey, you know, come on.

I-I'll get you a holiday cookie.

I don't like those.

No, the good ones. Not the kind your dad makes.

Let me ask you a question.

What was the problem letting the kid think that elf was real?

I don't like lying to Boyd.

It's not lying. It's a fantasy.

It's like if you like your health plan, you can keep it, period.

It is a lie, okay?

A-a magical little elf who talks to Santa who's gonna bring him everything he's ever dreamed of?

Right.

I mean, how is he supposed to trust me when he finds out that it's not real?

It's a harmless kids' toy.

No, it builds unrealistic expectations.

You've got it real nice, Mike, but for a lot of people, Christmas doesn't look like it does on a TV commercial.

You had Christmas, even in Canada.

Santa claus could walk there.

My parents didn't buy into the whole Christmas thing.

You know, if we were lucky, my dad would come home with something that he picked up last minute at the gas station.

So we got pens and bubble gum and batteries.

So he got it backwards... remembered the batteries. Forgot the present.

We tried to be all excited and happy, but they weren't wrapped and they didn't even have our names on them.

So you didn't have a good Christmas, and you're taking it out on the kid?

No, I'm just gonna be honest with him, all right?

He's gonna get plenty of presents from the people who love him, but he's not gonna wait around, waiting for magic that's never gonna happen.

Come on, Boyd. Let's go.

[Sighs]

I have been a very good boy.

I listened.

So how about... One of those panini presses?

Here you go. Thank you. Okay, next kid.

Yes, Mr. alzate.

Next up is, uh, Billy and jeffery osgood.

Their dad works in the purchasing department.

Oh, yes, of course... Larry osgood.

He's the one who stuck me with a truckload of novelty t-shirts.

I got a Christmas present for him.

I won't fire him until the first.

The beard isn't soundproof, Mr. Alzate.

Okay.

Here you are. Okay, here you go, kid.

All right. [Clears throat]

"Fishermen do it with a pole."

And for you, uh...

"I don't need a pill to pitch a tent."

Don't wear them to church.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, hey, Mandy.

Oh, it's a Christmas party. You sure you want to be here?

There's only five days left in the shop-for-yourself season.

Shouldn't you be at the mall?

Did you guys ever stop to think that maybe instead of buying things for myself I'm buying a really nice gift for somebody else?

No.

No.

So I just... I guess it's too much to expect for you guys to ever just trust me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm. Hey, Mandy, thanks for your Christmas present.

Oh, I didn't get you anything.

Sure you did.

Mom and dad hating you is all I asked for this year.

Kristin: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

Hey.

Hey.

Merry Christmas, Boyd.

Merry Christmas, dad.

And mer... happy... you know...

How's your December treatin' ya?

Honey, you want to go say hi to Santa?

Not really.

Oh, sure you do, sweetie.

Look, if he doesn't want to say hi to Santa, he doesn't have to say hi to Santa.

Perfect opportunity. Santa's like three nogs into the wind.

If you're good, he'll give you anything you ask for.

If you're naughty, you'll have to talk about jazz.

Oh, hey, guys. Yay!

So glad you guys could make it.

Oh, thank you for inviting us, miss Mandy.

Hi.

This is my sister lnez...

Hi, Inez.

...and her children and their cousins.

Hi, there.

Mandy, you look so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Is it me, or is it the outfit?

Well, the outfit makes you more beautiful, but you make the outfit more beautiful.

Oh, my God!

You are the little sister I've always wanted!

Hey, I heard that.

I know, 'cause I said it right at you.

Hey, you know what?

I think Santa has a very special present for you guys.

Blanca: Ooh!

Uh, Kyle, they're here.

You know, when I was a little girl, Santa once brought me a lump of coal.

Best Christmas ever.

The house was warm for over an hour.

Look, Santa. It's the Hernandez family.

Who?

Oh, oh. I only have three t-shirts left.

We've been expecting you.

I-I-I think your gift is right over here in this box.

What are you doing, Kyle? Th-that's... that's a decoration.

Mandy: Go ahead. You can open it.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Daddy's home.

Oh, my God.

[Applause]

Ed: What the hell's going on?

[Applause continues] How are you guys doing?

Hey, who... who is he?

Uh, that's their dad. It's blanca's brother-in-law.

I thought... I thought he was in Afghanistan.

Well, I guess Santa gave him a ride on his sleigh.

And Santa's little helper.

Oh, Mr. Baxter, I-I don't know how you did this, but this is the most wonderful Christmas present ever!

I-I didn't do this. Mandy did.

[Sighs] Then it truly is a Christmas miracle.

[Laughs]

This is better than the coal Christmas!

[Laughs]

Wow. So, instead of buying yourself presents, you flew a sailor home from Afghanistan?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. That's so kind and unselfish.

You're like the big sister I always wanted.

What? I heard that.

That's 'cause I said it right at you.

Well, I'm just glad I found the right sailor.

There are like a thousand guys in the service named Hernandez.

Why didn't you tell us what you were up to?

Yeah.

'Cause I wanted it to be from me.

Yeah, but... and knowing dad, he would have taken over and paid for the whole thing.

I'm a great guy that way.

I'm a greater guy for raising someone like you.

Thanks.

Well, it was worth it just to see the looks on those kids' faces when their dad came out of the box.

Good thing there's plenty of air in that box, or there'd have been a very different look.

Still don't believe in Christmas magic? [Scoffs]

See, everybody should be with their family, even you.

Yeah, I told you, Mike. Mine's not so into Christmas.

I mean this family.

Spend all the time you want Christmas morning.

And when you're ready, come on over to our house.

May even be a package or two there.

Even one for you.

I don't want to spoil the surprise, but it's probably batteries.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, Boyd, remember, we said we'd wait for the whole family to be awake and... eh, screw it.

Ah, look at him tear into that thing.

Just like his dad at a vegan buffet.

Want to see some Christmas magic?

[Sighs] It's 6:00 in the morning, honey.

Not that. But I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Look. What?

The kids are opening their gifts already.

Oh, Boyd's here? Why didn't you say so?

Come on.

Cool!

Peyton Manning Jersey. Thanks, Elfie.

Yeah, thanks, Elfie.

Elfie told me he had to wait in a line three hours to get that.

He must've told Santa it was what you wanted.

Yeah, or maybe it was the work of LA Befana, the ltalian Christmas witch who flies from village to village delivering gifts on her broom.

Yeah, you're right. It's probably Elfie and Santa.

Girls, come on down.

I want to get a picture in front of the Christmas tree.

Yeah, please, let's immortalize how I look at 6:00 A.M. without any makeup.

[Chuckles] I don't need makeup. I'm young.

Merry Christmas, Mike.

Merry Christmas.

All right, guys, let's gather around.

Let's get a sh*t here, all of us together.

Kristin: Who's taking the...

Stare at the tree.

Who's taking...

And, uh, smile at... at Elfie, all right?

Yeah? Okay.

And we got to say that cookie. What is it called?

Uh, Pepparkakor, Mike.

Everybody, on 3, say "Pepparkakor."

1, 2, 3.

All: Pepparkakor!

Excuse me.

I'm collecting for disabled veterans who have been injured in battle.

Not today, thanks.

Oh, n-no problem.

Hey, I see you're shopping for a pair of gloves.

Must be nice to still have two hands.

Thank you.

Enjoy being able to clap.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Ah, Christmas.

It's the time of year when we embrace traditions, like the outdoor man tree of trout.

Then we get yelled at by people who embrace other traditions.

"A tree of trout? That stinks."

Yeah, wait three days.

Arguing about our different traditions is actually a great American tradition.

And you know who makes it possible for you to enjoy Christmas and for others to wage w*r on it?

The folks who wage actual w*r, putting their lives on the line every day to protect our freedom to bicker over whose holiday is better, yours or mine.

Spoiler alert... it's mine.

Which is why I'm honored to tell you about outdoor man's annual Christmas tradition... raising money for our wounded warriors.

This Christmas season, dig deep, give a little something to the men and women who have given more than we can ever repay.

Thank you, all.

And merry Christmas.