03x13 - Breaking Boyd

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, mama. Is Boyd ready?

Uh, no, no, no.

They're not back yet from the ice show.

So, big, bad Mike Baxter likes to watch himself some ice dancing.

Not exactly.

See, Aladdin lost a thumb one year, so Mike keeps hoping for a repeat.

I just hope Boyd's able to sit still for him.

He keeps getting into trouble at school.

Last Friday, Miss Snyder sent him to the school counselor.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't worry.

Boyd's a pretty high-spirited kid.

The counselor wants us to take him to a child psychiatrist.

Well, see that?

If they were really worried, they'd want him to see an adult.

Mom, this is no joke, okay?

The other day, Boyd threw a stick.

Of dynamite?

It might as well have been, the way his teacher overreacted.

Yeah. Miss Snyder is sending us e-mails every day.

All caps, bold, exclamation points.

Oh.

I swear, if she had this much passion in the classroom, she could hold Boyd's attention.

The hockey game was awesome!

Wh... hockey? What? Daddy, I th...

Honey, I thought you were taking him to the ice show.

NHL... greatest show on ice.

It had a little bit of everything, too... a fight in the first period, a goalie fight in the second period, and an all-out brawl in the row ahead of us.

I picked up a tooth.

You what?

I made him give it back to the lady.

Mike, we have talked about this so many times.

We don't like exposing Boyd to that much v*olence.

It was a sporting event.

I didn't expect a bloodbath. That was just like a bonus.

Checked you!

Ohh! Ow!

Boyd, cut it out.

Make me. You want to go?

Oh, I'll go.

Go, go, go! Get him! Get him!

All right, all right, all right, that's it... five for fighting.

Hey, hey, where are you in there?

You know what the penalty is at grandma's house?

A cookie!

Yay!

Uh, I was fighting, too. Where's my cookie?

Where's your grandma?

Thanks for your help, dad.

We are actually trying to tamp down Boyd's aggressiveness.

Yeah, the counselor at school wants him to see a psychiatrist.

Really?

Well, we don't think it hurts for him to talk his feelings out with somebody.

He's 6.

After he explains why he doesn't like lima beans, what are they gonna fill up the rest of the hour with?

His bad first marriage?

Okay. Describe the internecine social forces which led to the rise of the n*zi party.

Ooh. The party... right.

I have to text Rachel back and tell her I can't make it to her party.

She's gonna be, like, n*zi mad.

Mandy.

Yeah?

Put your phone down.

We've been studying for more than an hour, and you haven't answered one of these questions.

That's not true.

I answered Julie's very challenging question about what shoes to wear.

You're texting right now, aren't you?

What?

I can see you spelling things out with your lips.

All right.

You're right.

If I want to make it into the fashion program, I got to do really well on my finals, so... take my phone.

Your phone?

Yep.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm.

Wow! It's like you're giving me your baby.

A baby you've dropped on the ground a lot.

And no matter what I say, don't give it back to me until after my finals are done.

[Cellphone chimes]

Give it back to me.

Whatever it is, I'll take care of it for you.

But what if it's important?

[Chuckles]

It's just a picture of a kitty in a basket.

Wait, no. Whose kitty? Which basket?!

I need to know!

And powered down.

No.

[Whimpers] Ooh.

[Laughing]

This is okay. This is great.

This is good. It's really, really good.

Because, like, now I can just...

[Breathes deeply]

I can pay attention, you know?

[Breathes deeply]

When did you grow that beard?

All right, good. Mike's home. At least he'll agree with me.

I disagree.

Kristin wants her grandson to be on dr*gs.

What? Whoa. Not dr*gs, okay?

Medicine, prescribed by a doctor.

They took Boyd to see that psychiatrist, and he diagnosed him with ADHD.

Of course he did.

They don't get rich by going, "your kid's fine. Take him home."

Listen, Boyd's been getting harder and harder to deal with, and the doctor thinks that these could help.

But, Kris, this is a serious narcotic, okay?

I... it's speed!

I know truck drivers who use this so they can drive across the country without ever having to blink.

Yeah, but for ADHD kids, this medicine actually calms them down, okay?

Dr. Frye just wants Boyd to try it for a few days and see if there's any improvement.

Well, what exactly needs to be improved about Boyd?

He doesn't listen, he talks out of turn, he's rebellious, he runs around like crazy at recess.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She's right. I've heard about this.

What is it? What's it called?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Being a boy.

It affects almost half the population, and if... if... if you leave it untreated, they grow into, what... men?

And they create civilizations! I've heard of this!

And blow them up.

And then rebuild them.

We need projects.

This is just lazy teachers just trying to drug the boy out of our boy.

Exactly.

And, then, meanwhile, qualities that are more inherently female get rewarded and praised in the classroom.

You mean like listening and cooperating?

Yeah, crap like that.

Okay, I, for one, wouldn't mind a world where female qualities prevailed.

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, no, hear, hear!

Here we go. Here...

For one thing, there would be no w*r.

T... there'd be nothing worth fighting over!

Oh, stop it.

You guys would've never invented anything except spanx and a telephone.

What?

And sit around "hey, you should see my ass in these. Uh-huh."

I just think there have to be alternatives to pumping Boyd's young brain full of chemicals.

I... I mean, honestly, I'd be glad to do some research.

Or we could just do what the doctor recommended that we do.

Honey, now, technically, I'm a doctor, too.

You have a PhD in geology, mom, okay?

Yeah.

I'll call you when my rock gets the flu.

Oh, come on.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

What happened to listening and cooperation?

Honey, what your mom is saying isn't unreasonable.

Let's just put these aside and explore some other alternatives.

All right, fine. All right.

But I'm giving miss Snyder your e-mail address.

Maybe your mom can find something to calm down Boyd a little bit.

I want to try.

Or do what my grandma used to do to calm us down.

"Just give the boy some rye toast and just pray for a good B.M."

Morning. Morning, honey.

Grandma's letting me have coffee.

Does that mean I get a beer?

Okay, grandpa.

No, no, no. Come here, honey.

No, no, no. No. No, Boyd, grandpa's not having beer.

No. You be a good boy... finish your coffee.

Otherwise you won't get your cigarette.

Listen, I did some research, and caffeine has been proven to calm down hyperactive kids.

Where'd you read that? On a Starbucks cup?

I'm also getting rid of all this junk food we buy for Boyd... anything with sugar, artificial color, preservatives...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Those are my pop tarts. Why am I being punished?

I'm not the Spaz.

Grandpa, can you top me off?

No, no, no. That's enough.

What, no free refills? What's this, Europe?

Come on, let's go do yoga! Yay!

No more coffee?

Well, anyway, I don't even need it.

Ever since Kyle took my phone away, I have, like, this laser focus.

They say that people only use a fifth of their brains, but suddenly, I feel like I'm using a lot more than that, like... like a sixth, like a seventh, like... like, an entire eighth.

Honey, when you get to the part that understands math, you let me know.

[Laughs] Hey!

I got that.

So, this is warrior 1.

Where's warrior 2? I'm ready to fight him!

Hyah!

No. Okay, no, no. Oh, no. No, no, no.

No fighting, no fighting, honey.

This is fun. Then you take some deep breaths, okay?

And stand perfectly still.

Just... [Breathes deeply]

And get your butt kicked by warrior 2.

No. Come on.

Oh, hey, hang on, Megan.

Mr. B., I'm in a bind.

Mandy's so busy studying right now that I'm handling all of her calls, but I think that this one might be important.

It's not.

But you haven't even heard it yet.

It's not.

Yeah, but Megan says that Zach and Brittany weren't supposed to hook up at the party, but after one drink, it was all, "brown chicken, brown cow!"

You take that to my daughter and you are so fired... ♪ right now. ♪

Got it.

Hey.

Good morning.

Morning.

When you were a kid, did you ever drink coffee?

We were too poor. Couldn't afford a coffee maker.

We just chewed the beans and poured the hot water in our mouths.

Same way we made pasta.

Vanessa's giving my grandson a little bit of coffee.

She thinks it's gonna help with that ADHD.

See, when I was a kid, we didn't have these... these fancy new designer diseases.

We stuck to the classics... chicken pox, mumps, measles.

Anything else, we didn't want to hear about it.

I may have had dengue fever the whole sixth grade.

I still ran track.

When did peanuts, mold, and gluten become so dangerous?

I don't know.

I mean, Iran doesn't need a nuclear w*apon.

They could take out half the United States with a jar of skippy.

All Boyd needs is to... to get outside more and... and play like... like we used to.

We didn't have a ride to school.

We walked the 5 miles, no matter what the weather.

And if there was a tornado, we just got there faster.

By the time we arrived, we were too exhausted to t*rture the teacher.

Uh-huh.

All Boyd needs is to work off that extra energy.

He should be run like a sled dog.

In the winter, for exercise, my mother would tape us into a cardboard box, right?

Ring the dinner bell and we'd have to punch our way out if we wanted to eat.

He's penned up. That's it.

Mm-hmm.

He's trapped. He's penned up at the apartment.

He's penned up all day at school.

The kid's basically veal.

Mike, what... what the heck are you doing?

Have you seen the movie "Field of dreams"?

No.

Well, go watch it while I build my hockey rink.

All right, score it.

Slap that biscuit between the pipes!

Hey! Hey, come on!

That was slashing.

Go back to the penalty box.

I've been to the box like three times already, not a drop of blood on the ice.

What kind of outfit are you running here, dad?

Sit out. All right, penalty sh*t.

You get a free sh*t. I want you to charge the net.

Let's go. Come at me. Come on! sh**t it!

Yay!

Hooray for Boyd!

That's not bad for just doing this a week, kid.

That's 'cause the goalie's a sieve!

Power play's over. I'm out, people.

All right!

♪ Now I get to score on Eve ♪

That's a fat chance, little man, 'cause only the lord saves more than I do.

Bring it.

Okay, go for the five hole, five hole!

Thanks, grandpa. What's the five hole?

Just sh**t the puck.

Oh-ho! Look at that.

There's only seven things on earth you can see from space, and one of them is the great wall of Eve.

Honey, you really think this is gonna help calm Boyd down?

Probably not as much as a big mug of coffee.

I guess I just don't understand little boys very much.

Never had one of my own.

Closest was Eve.

That's rough.

Why don't you bring the smack talk out here, lady?

Bring it!

Guess what... guess who totally crushed finals!

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Hopefully the kid you copied off of.

Four B's, one A-minus... pretty much straight A's!

Aw, honey, we are so proud of you.

Thank you! I know.

I've never gotten a vowel on a report card before.

This is amazing. Thank you.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you very much.

Suck it, haters!

Great, Mike.

I go on a run for four days, and while I'm gone, you're teaching Boyd hockey.

I just wanted a winter activity to burn off a little energy.

We tried pair skating, but the little tyke just couldn't hold me over his head.

Really wish you'd ask me, Mike.

I'm Canadian, okay?

I know.

I love hockey.

You know, but growing up, I learned more of the European style.

It was graceful skating and teamwork.

There was no body checking.

So, basically, ice capades.

Why does America always have to take something elegant and make it violent?

Soccer becomes the NFL.

Tai chi becomes the ultimate fighting championship.

We take boring things, and we make them fun.

I was skeptical at first, too, Ryan, but I think it's doing Boyd a world of good.

Yeah, you might be right. Can't argue with your results.

Wow. It makes me uncomfortable when you agree with me.

Miss Snyder has said she's seen definite improvement.

I'm not sure it's what you've been doing, Vanessa, or the hockey, but...

It's the hockey.

No, no, I...

I think our rhythmic drumming has been a factor, too.

It's the hockey.

Either way, it's great news.

Yeah, it is great news.

All right, well, if Boyd's gonna learn hockey, I better get out there and teach him some of my moves.

How about this move? How to stop.

I guess we can get rid of these, huh?

Oh, Mike.

A bunch of these pills are missing.

Yeah?

You don't think Kristin's been giving them to Boyd, do you?

I guess... that might explain why he's improved so quickly.

I think there might be something else going on here.

Mandy, can you come down here a minute?

Mandy: Yeah, just a second.

I hope I'm wrong, but what are the odds of that?

Hey. What's up?

I just want to talk about your grades.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I'll try to do better next semes...

No, hold up. That is old Mandy.

I'm smart now.

Okay. Let's talk Range Rovers.

Listen, honey, your mom and I really are proud of these grades.

I just want to make sure that you didn't do this with a little help from some of these.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God.

Studying for those finals was, like, the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life, and you guys don't think I could've done that on my own.

Mom?

Yeah, I don't... I don't know, honey.

I mean, you've never gotten grades like that before, and...

You do have a history.

Yeah, and I got a B-plus in it.

Honestly, this really, really hurts.

You guys have no faith in me.

Okay, all right. You know what?

We're sorry we accused you, okay?

Thank you.

Okay. All right. Mike, right?

Mike?

What?

Yes, it's true.

A lot of other students will use ADHD meds to help them study or take tests, but I wouldn't, personally.

I just wouldn't.

But it would only be fair if I did, because if you don't, you're basically at a huge disadvantage.

And even if I had taken them, how would that be any different than energy drinks or coffee?

But I didn't take them.

Okay, I took them.

But it's your fault for putting so much pressure on me.

I hate being right.

No, you don't.

You're right about that.

Hey, thanks for nothing, Kyle.

You're welcome, sir.

And there's more where that came from.

I'm talking about Mandy popping pills.

I swear, I had no idea until she told me last night.

You didn't notice that she was behaving differently?

No, all she's been doing is studying really hard.

Oh, my God.

It was right there in front of me.

How could I have missed it?

Mike, come here. You're gonna love this.

I don't want to love that.

No.

Salesman just dropped her off.

Wants the store to carry it.

Want me to shut the blinds and give you two a little privacy?

He says it's the latest in must-have hunting gear, right?

An anatomically correct doe.

She attracts the buck so you can sh**t him.

So, a doe ho.

They call her the "yes deer."

It's actually very compassionate.

Buck goes out with a smile on his face.

Supposedly makes the meat more tender.

What's the sport in this?

What's next? We sell little deer downers?

Get them so depressed they just stop by the camp and sh**t themselves?

Look, not everybody's as expert a hunter as you and me.

Some people just like to sit in their heated camping chair, enjoy the show, and then sh**t the leading man.

It's a short cut.

It's like Mandy taking those ADHD meds just to pass a test.

If that's the only drug she's doing in college, you should consider yourself lucky.

When I was her age, I popped a pill in San Francisco, wound up naked in a meat locker in Chicago.

You know, people say you should write a book, um...

Don't do it.

Okay.

It's cheating. That's how I look at it.

Mandy taking those ADHD meds to pass a test is just like the athletes taking steroids. It's cheating.

Mike, Mike, these guys like Jose Canseco and Lance Armstrong, they were great before they started juicing.

So what?

They still...

It was against the law.

The dr*gs just enhanced their God-given ability.

Yeah, but Mandy was never as good a student as Canseco was on the ball field.

Hell, she was never as good a student as he was a student.

Right, right.

Right, but she took the meds, and she's doing better now.

She's actually doing really good.

Well, maybe she does have this... this AARP thing.

If you take pills and you're not sick, then that's cheating.

If you take pills and you need them, that's medicine.

I guess.

Yeah. All right, so... all right, so, what do you think, Mike, huh?

Do we keep this? Huh?

Take it downstairs and introduce it to the stuffed otter.

We'll see what happens.

Ryan: Okay, Boyd, share the puck.

Remember, we're finesse players.

No dump and grind here.

Oh, there it is. Here it goes! One time!

Oh, yeah!

The Ryan-ator's still got it. Ooh!

Okay, that's a penalty... dancing like a white guy.

Into the box, Ryan-ator.

You know, I got to admit, this is working out pretty great.

No more e-mails from Boyd's teacher, I get to date a hockey player...

Ugh. Keep it in your pants, puck bunny.

Well, I'm off to Kyle's to study, but don't worry...

I will try not to learn anything so you guys don't think I'm on dr*gs.

Mandy, honey, come here a minute.

What you did was serious... you took pills that were not prescribed for you.

You could end up in a meat locker in Chicago, naked.

Oh.

Okay. I know.

I'm sorry, all right?

Just it felt really good to do well on a test for once.

Other people were trying to copy off of me.

You know, I got to be the jerk doing this.

Like, "oh." [Chuckles]

"Oh, man, it's so easy."

Honey, your father and I always knew you could be that jerk.

Thanks, mom.

You know, honey, we're really proud of what you did, but your mom and I think you actually may have ADH...

Hey, have we always had an ice rink in the yard?

D.

Uh, Mandy, you know, honey, we... we could take you to a doctor to be evaluated, and... and if he thinks you have it, you could get your own prescription.

No, the rink is definitely new.

It wasn't here last summer.

You guys!

Maybe the doctor's open late.

Dinner's ready!

Honey, where's Boyd?

In the living room, working up a little appetite.

Boyd: Be there in a second!

Save some Mac and cheese for me!

Boyd.

Hey, hey, hey!

Try to punch the weak spot... the corners.

Go for the corners. Short punches.

Come on!

Grandpa, I think I'm running out of air.

Well, there's plenty of air out here. Keep punching!