03x15 - Tasers

[bunniefuu]

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.

Morning. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I made you a waffle sandwich with bacon and sausage for the road.

Wow. I have d*ed and gone to heaven. [ Chuckles ]

At least I will if I keep eating like this.

Almost as sweet as what I got you.

Oh, Mike, seriously?

Very good, Dad. Nice to see you stepping up.

Oh, that's not for Valentine's Day.

I don't believe in Valentine's Day.

Yeah, we know. We know. [ Chuckles ]

It's a fake holiday. Invented by...?

The flower and greeting-card cartel.

Just like the fake holiday Saint Paddy's Day, invented by the people that make that sawdust that soaks up vomit.

[ Imitates fanfare ]

A stun g*n?

Unbelievable!

Not just a stun g*n... a great one.

That thing will take down a moose.

Probably only for, like, 5 seconds.

Then he'd get up, be kind of pissed, and charge you.

So it's not actually for a moose.

You want to try it out?

Yeah, I kind of do.

You got your wife a taser for Valentine's Day?

It's not for Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it's also not romantic.

I got her something to protect her when I'm not around.

There's nothing more romantic than that.

This is way more romantic than stupid, old perfume or jewelry...

Jewelry is just a mugger magnet, honey.

I might as well send you out on the Serengeti in a sundress made of meat.

Thanks for my taser. It's stunning!

Boyd, what do we say about puns?

Lowest form of comedy.

After all these years, still Mr. Romance, huh?

Yes. [ Chuckles ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Can somebody get that?!

You know, it's okay, honey.

I'm used to your father's practical gifts.

I actually liked the coin sorter he got me last year.

Yeah, but once in a while, wouldn't it be great to get something personal and frivolous?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Is anybody gonna get the door?!

I was fixing breakfast!

I was fixing this!

I was fixing to get the door, but I figured somebody else would.

Ooh! Wow.

Oh, hey! Kyle got me flowers!

Vanessa: There's no card.

What kind of an idiot forgets the card?

Hey, Kyle got Mandy flowers.

No, we don't know that. They could be for anybody.

Gosh, they're beautiful. [ Sniffs ]

Well, we know they're not for Eve.

And why not?

Guys don't usually send flowers to girls they're afraid of.

They do if they know what's good for 'em.

And we know Dad didn't buy them for Mom.

Oh, you know what? Fine, rub it in.

But good luck to you lovebirds when you're trying to sort coins by hand.

Ergo, since you don't even live here, these babies got to be for moi.

Seriously, you think Kyle would spend hundreds of dollars on roses?

He spent $200 on a date once, and dinner only cost $20, but he was really determined to get me that rasta-banana out of the claw machine.

You know what? No, no, no.

Now that I think about it, I think that these flowers might be for me.

Kris, you live with Ryan.

Why would he send flowers here?

No, he didn't, and Ryan already gave me my present this morning. [ Chuckles ]

[ Groans ] Gross.

And a single red rose on my pillow.

Gross and cheap.

Actually, I think these flowers might be from my boss.

The successful and dreamy John Baker.

Mm-hmm. I'd hit that.

Oh, it's an expression.

It just means I'd have sex with him.

Yeah, okay. All right. Uh, honey, listen.

Is... is there something going on between you and John Baker?

No, no, no, but I just think he's really hung up on me, and it would be so his style to send flowers here anonymously.

Well, it seems like somebody has a pretty high opinion of herself, which is a very unflattering trait.

Plus, it's kind of my thing.

Okay, cool it.

John's been really attentive lately.

He's been walking me to my car every night.

Yeah, but... but you are carrying the bank deposit for the restaurant.

Maybe he's being attentive to his money.

Huh. Snap. Valentine's burn, Mom.

You know what? That's it.

All this talk about these stupid flowers...

I want in on some of this Valentine's swag.

I think it's time for me to go out and get myself a real boyfriend.

It's not like going to the pound and picking out a puppy.

You kidding?

I'll have this locked down by dinner.

I'd be very afraid to be a teenage boy right about now.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a few words about Valentine's Day...

Phony, stupid con game.

You know, I don't know who's dumber... the women who are charmed by a mandatory romantic gesture or the men who shell out big bucks for pretty much a fake holiday.

As a protest, Outdoor Man is having a Valentine's Day non-sale.

Not only will nothing be discounted, we'll actually be charging more for anything we think you might be giving your lady as a gift.

Check out these polyester fur-lined gloves, normally $50.

Today only... $1,200.

Surprise is the key to keeping romance alive.

And nothing will surprise the love of your life more on Valentine's Day than getting nothing.

Hey. Happy Valentine's, sweetie!

Aww, thank you so much for that huge bouquet of roses you sent me!

Oh, my God! You would be so welcome... you know, if I had actually done that.

Oh, so they were for Kristin.

No, why would I send Kristin flowers?

[ Laughing ] You're not making any sense, Mandy.

I'll give you your present when I see you tonight.

Okay, and I'll give you yours tonight.

Ooh. I hope it's socks.

Bye. [ Smooches ]

[ Chuckles ] Ah, young love... so inspiring, and so much more photogenic than old love.

If you don't mind my asking, what did you give Mandy, hmm?

Oh, no, I don't mind.

[ Clears throat ] I made this for her.

Is that ivory?

Irish spring, actually.

Mm!

I carved it out of soap.

Really? Well, I like it!

[ Irish accent ] And I like it, too!

Very impressive handiwork here.

It's Mandy's favorite bird, the Mountain Bluebird.

Oh. Ah. Uh-huh.

We saw one in the park one day, and then we saw one the next day, and so now she thinks they're our guardian angel.

I think they live in the park.

Here.

Are... are... are you certain that... that Mandy's the kind of girl who's gonna be happy with a soap bird?

I hope so. That's all I can afford.

You know, I don't exactly make a lot of money here.

Yeah, I know. It's rough.

I wish there was something I could do.

Good luck.

[ Knock on door ]

Mike: Yeah.

[ Clears throat ] Yeah, Mike.

I saw your Valentine's vlog, Mikey.

[ Grunts ]

"Ladies love Cool J," but they're about to go "gangsta" on Mike "Baxta"!

I think that Valentine's Day takes the spontaneity out of love.

When I give Vanessa a surprise romantic gesture, she knows it's authentic.

When was your last surprise romantic gesture?

I sent her a little arrangement of roses just today.

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm confused now.

You don't celebrate Valentine's Day.

That's what makes it a surprise!

She's not expecting it.

Because you don't celebrate Valentine's Day.

Exactly.

Making it... a surprise.

Today's Valentine's Day. Everybody sends flowers.

I don't.

Thus... the surprise.

[ Sighs ] Okay. Come on. All right.

Let... let me follow this.

All right.

Now, for 25 years, you've been crapping on Valentine's Day because it's not spontaneous.

This year, you buy her flowers, thus making it spontaneous.

Listen to me.

I'm the only guy on the planet that can surprise his wife with flowers...

On Valentine's Day.

It's ingenious!

Gentlemen, I've invited you here today because I've decided it's time for me to have a real boyfriend.

Um, I-I-I got a note to come here.

Grab some chair, Justin.

1400 hours doesn't mean 1401.

I'm here to congratulate the three of you on being finalists for the position of Eve's boyfriend.

[ Laughs ]

All right!

When I look around this room, it's an honor just being nominated.

Wait. This says the principal wanted to see me.

Did you steal this from his office?

I'll ask the questions here.

Look, I know all three of you like me, but...

[ clears throat ] Uh, for the record, I've liked you since third grade, and I can prove it!

I keep a pretty detailed diary.

Yeah, and, uh, for the record...

Boom.

And for the record, Matt already has a girlfriend.

Eve would be a total upgrade.

She's pretty hot for a jock chick.

Enough of the chitchat, ladies.

We only got an hour here.

There's going to be a multiple-choice quiz, a fitness test, and a short essay on the topic "Eve... smart girl who's pretty or pretty girl who's smart?"

Or pretty girl who's lost her mind.

Look, Eve.

I like you, okay?

And if you want to go out sometime, then you know where to find me.

But I'm not gonna jump through hoops for you.

W... hey, wait.

[ Chuckling ] You can opt out on the hoops and just do the rope climb, I mean...

Ugh.

So, we are completely booked for tonight.

Yeah?

I bet you wish every day was Valentine's Day.

Uh, no.

I'd go broke buying gifts for my Valentine.

Uh, a-about that.

That was the biggest bouquet I have ever seen. [ Chuckles ]

Huh?

You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Uh... look, uh, I th-think you're a really great guy.

Thanks! I'm glad I could pull that out of you.

But you have to know how happy I am with Ryan right now.

Kris, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Am I misunderstanding you walking me to my car every night?

You carry the bank deposit.

[ Chuckles ]

Obviously, it's very flattering that you're still so into me, but...

You need to move on.

[ Sighs ] I'm getting so many compliments on my new bracelet, Johnny!

Mm.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, wow! That's so beautiful, Rachel! [ Chuckles ]

Yes. Oh, my God.

You did know that Rachel and I were a thing, right?

Of course!

I am the assistant manager around here.

I am on top of everything. [ Chuckles ]

Hey.

Hey.

Well, don't even think about cooking dinner, because I brought it home.

That is sweet, because I am exhausted.

Hot dogs?!

Yeah!

I saw this guy on YouTube cook these by tasering them.

Then, if it stops raining, we can go out and see if we can blow up this watermelon.

And they say every love story's already been told.

Listen, uh, honey, I'm sorry, but, uh, I gave the taser away.

Why would you give away my gift?

It's [Chuckles] not like it was some kind of special Valentine's Day present.

I gave it to Kristin.

I mean, we could boil these hot dogs, but no one's gonna watch that on YouTube.

[ Chuckling ] Hey! Some beautiful flowers there.

Somebody must be excited...

And appreciative.

There was no card.

What?

I know we don't do Valentine's Day, but I got to tell you, when these arrived, it was a little like rubbing salt in a wound.

And lemon.

And alcohol.

Why don't you just say "Margarita"?

I don't know what happened to the card, honey.

I sent you those flowers.

[ Laughing ]

Okay.

Honey, I sent those flowers!

Honey, stop! It's okay!

I got a... I tell you... I tell you, I got a receipt!

Let me show you! I got a receipt.

Yeah, for 25 years, I know the guy I married!

Right there... I got a receipt.

It says right there, "stun g*n."

No. Hey!

[ Doorbell rings ]

This is ridiculous!

You send flowers, you lose the card?

What's up?

Hey, Mr. B. Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah. It's cold, and you're all wet!

Yeah, it's freezing.

Yeah. Gee. Mandy, Kyle's here!

Hey, you sure it's not for me?

I just said, "Kyle was here."

It's Kyle? Why didn't you let him in?!

It's not my boyfriend.

I got my own ball and chain to deal with.

Hi.

Oh, my God. This is just like in "The Notebook"!

Hey. [ Sighs ]

I just want to leap in your arms and close my eyes and pretend you're Ryan Gosling.

Wait.

I got you something better than a Gosling.

[ Squeals ]

It's a Mountain Bluebird.

It is?

Yeah, I, uh... I-I carved it out of soap.

Oh!

Is the bird underneath the bubbles?

Uh, I think the bird is the bubbles.

It was supposed to be a bluebird... you know, like the one from the park, our guardian angel.

That is so lame!

No. No, that actually took a lot of thought.

Followed immediately by complete absence of thought.

You know what? That's actually the perfect gift.

I would rather have a boyfriend who listens to me and makes me a heartfelt gift instead of going into debt buying something expensive and stupid.

Am I the only one who gets this holiday?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

I'll get it!

[ Sighs ]

Hi, Eve.

Wow. Truffles. Nice.

[ Chuckling ] Sure beats a bird made out of soap.

Uh, sit there and don't put your feet on anything.

Hey, Evie. Uh, who's this?

Oh, this is my new boyfriend, Andrew... but by a narrow margin.

Could have gone either way. [ Sighs ]

Hello, Andrew.

Hello, Mrs. Baxter. You have a beautiful home.

Oh, thank you.

He's polite and writes a strong essay.

But he's no arm wrestler, I'll tell you that.

I have carpal tunnel.

Making excuses? Not a good color on you, Andrew.

Got to hand it to you, Eve.

You actually brought home a boyfriend for Valentine's Day.

Yeah. Said I would. And I don't mess around.

You know, that's another thing...

I don't mess around.

I'm gonna go get a soda.

"Can I get you anything, Andrew?!"

Oh, he's fine.

He's got to get us reservations somewhere.

Last-minute on Valentine's Day.

[ Chuckling ] We'll see what kind of juice this kid's got.

Hey, Ryan. Squirt.

Hey. Having a good Valentine's Day?

Oh, yeah. My boyfriend's taking me out tonight.

Uh, he's in the living room if you want to go take a look at him.

I want to take a look at him!

[ Chuckles ]

Where are you taking Kris tonight?

Ah, Kris is working tonight.

Huh. Mm. And you're okay with that?

Uh yeah! Why wouldn't I be?

Uh, well, apparently, that John Baker guy's into her.

He wants to "hit that."

It's an expression. You know, it means that he...

Yeah, I know what it means.

He got her that big-ass bouquet in there.

John really sent her those?

Yeah. He walks her to her car every night, too.

[ Chuckling ] I have a boyfriend now, so I know how these animals operate.

Hi, Ryan.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, uh, I'll... I'll be back later to pick up Boyd.

Oh, yeah, no problem. Got no special plans.

I'll just be here sorting coins.

Eve: b*at it, pip-squeak!

So... [ Sighs ]

How did you two lovebirds find each other?

Ran a couple of guys through a maze, and, uh, he's the one that got the cheese!

Hmm. Cheese.

Hey, uh, Andrew, could you go get me a snack?

Cheese, on crackers... the round ones, not the saltines?

Oh.

Wow. Nice catch.

Thought you wanted a boyfriend, not a butler.

It's love, Mom. He's all things to me.

I'm just wondering, long term, how happy you're going to be with a guy who does everything you tell him to.

Well, so far, I've kind of enjoyed it.

I mean... The guy got me candy on Valentine's Day.

Dad got you a taser.

No, your father is romantic.

It's just... he shows his love in ways that... that... that don't... look anything like love.

Mom, come on. I-I-I saw.

You were disappointed when these flowers weren't for you.

[ Scoffs ] I mean, I... sure, yeah.

I mean, I... there's a part of me that wishes your father would do what's predictable and expected, like... like Valentine's Day flowers, but... honey, I am so much happier being with a guy who doesn't jump through hoops just because somebody invented a holiday!

Hmm.

Okay!

I've arranged the crackers into a heart, and the cheese... is the arrow.

Andrew...

We've always been honest with each other, you know?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Yeah, it's over.

I should have seen this coming.

I guess I was just hoping...

Let's not draw this out.

Right. [ Sighs ]

Well, you know, at least you guys don't have kids.

That's where these breakups get messy.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, uh, can I use you as a referral for my next girlfriend?

Sure.

Can I say we went on an actual date?

[ Sighs ]

Fine.

Can I say we made out?

Uh, no!

And you just lost your referral!

Hey, it was nice meeting you, Andrew.

Oh, and I still need you to proof my history paper!

Oh, wait, uh, Mrs. Baxter, I found this in your bushes.

Oh. Thanks.

What's all this about?

Uh, Eve's...

Ex-boyfriend, uh, just...

Found the... the card for the flowers. Uh...

Interesting.

Yeah. It says, "To Vanessa."

Huh.

And, um... Uh, look. There's, uh... there's a message.

Maybe I have some romance left in me, huh?

"To Vanessa.

Bet you didn't see this coming."

"Ha!"

"In your face."

"Love, Mike."

[ Voice breaking ] Mike... [ Chuckles ]

...thank you!

Happy February 14th!

You sure you don't want me to walk you to your car?

Oh, uh, no. [ Chuckles ] I'm covered.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Right back at you.

Hey, lady.

Aah!

[ Electricity crackling ]

Oh, my gosh!

I'm so sorry!

I'm so... you... you scared the crap out of me, Ryan!

[ Strained ] I haven't checked yet, but...

I think I'm in the same boat!

Kristin, you okay? What happened?

Oh, God!

Uh, no, I... [ Chuckles ] I accidentally tased Ryan.

He's fine. You... you should go.

No, stick around!

Give me 5 minutes to get up to my feet, and then I'm gonna kick your ass!

Ryan, honey, nothing is going on between me and John, okay?

Yeah, th-that's right.

There's no way I can compete with you.

Oh, honey, flowers? Baby!

Customarily, at this point in the Valentine's festivities, the man and the woman retire to the bedchamber.

[ Inhales sharply ]

But I know how you feel about mandatory romantic gestures, so...

Hey, hey, say no more.

This is one area where Mike Baxter and "St. Valentine" agree.

Hmm.

Let's go to bed. Mm-hmm.

[ Both groan ]

You know, Mike, these flowers really are beautiful.

You act tough, but you're a softy.

Not a word I'd like used to describe me in this present situation.

But a little romance is not the worst thing in the world.

That is the worst thing in the world.

Oh, that's that cute boy Justin from Junior ROTC!

Two soldiers kissing... thank you, Obama.

[ Banging on door ]