03x21 - April, Come She Will

[bunniefuu]

(Alarm beeps)

What did I do?

Oh, that's the new security system Chuck Larabee installed.

Just punch 6-2-2-6-2.

It's easy to remember, it spells "Obama."

That's real funny, honey.

Having Obama protect us from burglars, can't even keep Putin out of Crimea.

Someone's got a new Benghazi.

Benghazi's not over yet. Yeah.

Sweetie, how was your sleepover?

Awesome. Grandpa's right.

The house gets so peaceful once all the hens go to sleep.

What time did he go to bed?

Earlier than usual. They moved Kimmel to 11:30.

We watched TV and organized our meat.

Wow, he watches TV the same way you do.

I'm preparing our first barbecue.

Burgers, chicken, lamb, and brisket.

Mmm. Sounds like the delicious remains of a drone strike on Noah's ark.

Uh, what about tofu, hmm?

I'm sure Mrs. Noah wanted it, but God said, "not on this cruise."

Then what is Aunt April gonna eat?

Aunt April? Is that this weekend?

Yep. It's on the calendar.

I scratched it out and put "First Barbecue."

Well, that doesn't make it go away.

I've been talking to her for a week.

She is really excited about this visit. Yeah.

Does she have to come in the house?

We could just leave a bag of cash out on the front porch.

Oh, honey.

You know, maybe she's not coming for money.

Maybe she misses me.

If I offered her 400 bucks to visit or $410 not to visit, you know what she'd take.

Uh, I'll leave right now for $200.

I thought we were going anyway?

Shh. Boyd, Mommy's working.

Nobody's getting money for leaving this house until I do, and then I'm taking half.

As I live and breathe. Chuck Larabee. Hey.

Wow. What are you doing around here?

Looking for sleeping bags?

I didn't know you folks were into camping.

Oh, "we folks" love to spend time in the woods.

Plotting, planning. You'll see.

I meant you marines.

You know, I didn't think you were into camping after spending all that time in Gulf one.

Oh, I'm sure that's what you meant.

You turn everything into a race thing. Oh.

Makes it almost impossible to insult you personally.

(Scoffs) Never stops you from trying.

Hey. You might get more people of color in this store if you hired a few.

You know, your employees look like the cast of that "Hillbilly Handfishin'" show.

You know, we sell rods and reels here and don't really like doing that handfishing idea.

I mean, what's next? Deer strangling?

If there's a stupid way to hunt animals, I'm sure you folks will get right on it.

What can I help you with?

I'm just looking at flashlights.

Oh, we've got a great display down at camping.

Take the hallway down, then you'll see a big, stuffed grizzly bear.

If you see a real grizzly bear, you have gone too far.

Huh.

That's your friend Chuck?

He's not my friend. Why do people keep making that mistake?

Well, 'cause you guys go back and forth like we do, and we're friends.

Shut up, Kyle.

See? Zing-zang!

I'm glad to see Chuck.

I've always wanted to reach more of the African-American market.

Well, let's not start with Chuck.

If he has a great experience, maybe he'll tell his friends.

Kyle, I want you to treat Mr. Larabee like he owns the store.

You mean give him the friendly ribbing like I do with you guys?

Shut up, Kyle.

How do I keep walking into that? That's a good idea, Ed.

Yeah, I want you to follow Mr. Larabee around and treat him like he's different than everybody else.

Mike: Give him a lot of attention. Okay.

(Chuckles) Oh, wait a minute.

If we give him too much attention, he might take it the wrong way.

Well, if he doesn't, it won't be funny.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

No, I'm good.

You finding everything you need?

I'm fine.

Just so you know, I know everything in the store, where it is, and how many of them we have.

Good to know.

Can I help you find anything specific?

Like I said, I'm fine.

Because I wouldn't want you to spend any more time here than you absolutely have to.

Right.

Do you mind my asking why I'm getting all this special attention?

Not at all, sir.

Why am I getting all this special attention?

Oh, the top brass said for me to stay right on top of you.

It's 'cause you're black.

You know, Mandy Baxter fashions is not just about Mandy Baxter.

It's about helping plain girls look like Mandy Baxter.

Honey, plain girls don't really like being called plain.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I keep forgetting how sensitive you are.

Well, Aunt April's here, and off to a great start.

Parked right in Dad's spot. He's gonna be...

Hi! (Squeals)

(Squeals)

Oh!

Look at the three of you!

You're like the more beautiful Charlie's Angels.

Oooh. Well, I call Farrah.

No, Jaclyn Smith. No, Cameron Diaz.

Which Angel am I?

Charlie.

I like it. Smart one surrounded by bimbos.

Sounds about right.

Oh. Mm.

Come on in. Sit.

Let's catch up. How's your life?

You know, pretty great.

Brad and I are back together.

Mm. For now.

I haven't checked my e-mail.

And, uh, what happened with that clothing store you opened?

Oh, yeah. The big and tall shop for women.

Oh, Manly Gal.

We went out of business. I lost a bundle.

But I met a ton of sweet transvestites.

Hey.

Mike! Hi!

Oh! (Grunts)

Ohh! I can't feel my lower extremities.

How is everyone's favorite Outdoor Man?

Well, wishing he was outdoors.

So, uh, how are you?

Oh, it just feels great to get out of Boulder.

Yeah, welcome back to America.

Dad, April was just catching us up on her awesome life.

It's like a Kate Hudson rom-com.

Ohh, I should take this call in the den.

Hey, your phone didn't ring.

Just let me go.

Well, April, good to see you here.

If I don't see you again, have a nice trip.

You're funny. You'll see me again.

Oh, I don't know. I-I'm pretty good at this.

Come on. I got some wine in the kitchen.

Oh, um, I might have done some cooking with that last night.

(Knock on door)

Hey, Larabee. Come on in.

Very funny, Baxter.

Having a salesman follow me through the store.

Profiling humor ...not cool.

Yeah, so, I don't get it.

If a taxi won't pick you up, you're pissed. Mm.

If you get too much attention in my store, you're pissed.

You know what? I think you just like being pissed.

If you lived in my skin, you'd understand.

If I lived in your skin, it'd be kind of baggy on me.

I know at least one part of me you'd be swimming in.

So, what's up next for my gorgeous kid sister?

I've kind of hit a point in my life where I want to get more grounded.

You know, commit to something real.

Ah. April, I'm glad to hear it. Good for you.

So I'm gonna have a baby.

What?!

A baby?

Like, on purpose?

You're pregnant?

Oh, heck no.

Apparently that window is closed.

Slammed shut right on my uterus.

But that doesn't make any sense.

You're so beautiful.

Mandy, not a factor.

I'm not gonna let that stop me.

See, I can buy a donor egg for like 6 grand, which I don't totally have, so...

Y-you know, I think there might be a bag of cash for you on the front porch.

April having a baby is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

Shh! She's in Kristin's room.

Oh, I forgot.

Stupidest idea I've ever heard!

You know, when we started a family, we didn't have all the answers.

When we started a family, it didn't involve a syringe and a petri dish.

You know, we had some of the answers.

No, I had the answers and you just copied off of me.

April is 40.

Honey, this could be her last sh*t.

That's right.

Society almost made a clean getaway.

Listen, if she had that kid, we'd have to take care of it, unless Brad and Angelina wanted it.

Yeah. No, I know. You might be right.

Oh, I'm right. Gosh.

I guess not everybody's cut out to be mommies.

I just want to give my kid sister the benefit of the doubt.

That's what we could call our annual fundraiser for her...

"The Benefit of the Doubt."

I feel so lucky having Kyle.

Oh, Kyle's the one who's lucky.

In every young man's life, there is a Mandy Baxter.

It's usually Mandy Baxter.

You know what? I feel really lucky to have Brad.

I'm just hoping that having this baby will get him to settle down.

Yeah, yeah.

If there's one siren call a man can't resist, it's a crying baby.

You know, when I got pregnant, Ryan disappeared for three years.

Well, Ryan was young.

Brad's more stable. He's in a band.

Oh, yeah. Rock on.

Brad would be crazy to leave you.

You are so beautiful, and you're so talented.

Mandy, honey, can you give us a sec?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, Mandy and I have no secrets.

Ah, well, considering your year as a carny, that's disturbing.

April, um...

Look, Mike and I have always been willing to help you, but this... this donor-egg project...

We just don't feel comfortable underwriting it.

I'm sorry, honey.

If we don't help her, how is she gonna start a family, Mom?

Yeah, I don't have anywhere else to turn.

Yes, you do.

I mean, I have eggs, right?

I've got lots of them.

Uh [Chuckles] slow down, Mandy.

It's not loaning her a sweater.

Are you sure?

Um... Yes?

(Both giggle)

Now I know that my baby will be brilliant and beautiful, and your little, baby ears are gonna set off Brad's giant ones.

Wait, wait, w-w-wait. Th-th-this is a big decision.

If it's a boy, Trevor.

Tyler. Terrence.

Deal. (Gasps) Deal.

I have always loved that name.

I'm pretty sure it was on Beyonce's short list.

I have to go call Kyle about this.

You're not seriously considering taking Mandy up on this offer.

You saw how happy she was.

I can't take that away from her.

Yeah.

You know, she's happy because, crazy as it seems, she looks up to you.

Oh, and why is that crazy?

(Sighs) Because, April [Sighs]

I mean, you're immature and... and manipulative, and... Those are not good qualities for Mandy to admire, and they're not good qualities for a mom.

Oh, right.

I can't be a great mom 'cause I'm not a boring grown-up with a house or a husband or a job.

Are... are you even hearing yourself?

Vanessa, I don't want all of the things you have.

I just want one of them.

A child.

Okay. You know, April, I held your hand when we walked to the school bus, and I will never stop holding it, but Mandy is my child.

And I'm... I'm not gonna let you exploit her.

Wow.

Well, at least Mandy has faith that I am responsible enough to handle this.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to Boulder before nightfall, because I am driving on the little tire.

(g*n cocks)

Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

All this month, it's spring turkey season here in colorful Colorado.

Gobble! Gobble!

Sitting out here in this pop-up blind gives a hunter plenty of time to think about the big issues.

Like background checks.

Oh, easy, Mike.

Everybody's protected by the second amendment.

No, no, no. I meant background checks before having a kid.

Now, you don't want the government sticking its big, fat nose into something like that, but somebody should do something about stupid people having kids.

Hillary Clinton... gosh, my favorite woman on the planet... likes to say, "It takes a village to raise a child."

You know, it really shouldn't.

Satisfying her husband, that apparently takes a village.

And not a particularly attractive one.

So, before you decide to have a kid, give yourself a little background check.

Ask yourself, "Am I shiftless?

Am I a skanky dingbat who can't hold down a job?"

If your answer's yes, do yourself, the kid, and society a favor and go hunting instead.

Rather than adding another turkey to this world, try taking one out.

(Turkey gobbles)

(g*nsh*t)

Bye-bye, birdie.

Great. Now I'm craving turkey and Ann-Margret.

Hey. (Sighs)

Hey.

Where's your sister?

She went back to Boulder.

All right, I win!

No offense, but it's worth having her here because you get the sweet relief when she finally gets out of here.

Everything tastes better.

Mandy offered to give April one of her eggs.

Ahh.

How's that beer tasting now?

Like the first of many.

Did you talk to her?

Well, I was waiting for you to come home so we can come up with a... Mandy!

...unified strategy.

What?

This is nuts.

Unless you're a socialist farmer, you don't give away your eggs.

Honey, you offering to give April a chance at motherhood was very generous, but... no, you know what's generous is giving back the Panama canal. Okay.

This... this is just stupid.

This is like something Jimmy Carter would do.

Great. Yes. Here we go again.

"Mandy is so stupid. She's just like Jimmy Carter."

Don't I get any credit for the grades I've been getting in school?

Or starting a profitable business?

Or moving the mailbox to the other side of the driveway so I wouldn't keep backing over it?

Honey, you have grown a lot this year, and you deserve a lot of credit, but not enough to let you do this.

No way. Well, I'm sorry, all right?

What do you mean you're s... you guys can't stop me.

It's my body, my choice, okay?

College has been good to you.

She can read a bumper sticker.

Oh, stop.

So, you had the same exact argument with your mom that I did.

I got the mom-dad tag team.

They were like, "blah, blah, blah."

And I was like "blah."

I made you a sandwich 'cause I know your egg is eating for two now.

It's egg salad.

I hope that's not insensitive.

No, it's okay.

Um, hey, April, I've been doing a lot of research.

This whole process is, like, pretty involved.

Oh, I'm stressed out even thinking about it. Yeah.

If I started the fertility sh*ts in May, then they could do the extraction and then Brad could add his, um...

Uh... pbht!... ingredient, and then we're, like, pretty much good to go end of June.

Aah! Nope.

End of June doesn't work for me.

No, I can't be pregnant if Arcade Fire comes to Red Rocks.

If win Butler calls me up on stage, I don't want to be puffy.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, when would work for you?

Uh... Maybe August?

Oh, you know, we're thinking about going to Greece.

Oh, you're going to Greece?

"Grease." I love that musical.

I played Kenickie in high school.

I was not good.

But if you're having a kid, don't you think, you know, you should kind of be saving...?

Ohh, you're right. You're right.

I mean, this whole thing is just becoming a whole thing.

Um...

You know, how about we do September?

Nah, you're gonna be back in school by then.

Right. And plus, I'll be starting my new fall line.

Aww, listen to you. So industrious.

Must make rompers. Must make rompers.

You know what? We'll figure it out.

We have time.

It's not like my ovaries can get any deader.

Okay, well, we'll talk soon.

Aww, ciao for now.

(Sighs)

Why are you staring like that?

You look like the audience through my performance in "Grease."

Um...

Kyle, I'm just wondering, do you think this whole thing with April is a mistake?

Mandy, I just want you to know that I support you 100%.

And yes, it's a horrible mistake.

Really?

Yeah. Children are precious.

If somebody wants to have a baby, they should be serious and willing to put up with a little inconvenience.

That's what I'd want for any kid that's part yours.

You know, if I was gonna have a baby, I'd want it to be with someone like you.

Deal.

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

I've always loved that name, too.

(Alarm blares) Ah! What do I press?

It's your father's birthday.

sh**t, I didn't get him anything!

We changed the code to your father's birthday.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's my birthday.

I know, I forgot. I'm sorry.

Honey, uh, the security's ...whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

The light keeps blinking. I got it. I got it.

I don't know. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

It's because...

One of the window sensors is out.

I got to go look at that.

Hey. Hi.

Everything okay?

Yes.

Um...

I told Aunt April that I couldn't give her an egg. Ah.

My choice.

Okay. Good. I think it's the right choice.

Right. I'm proud of you. Yeah.

You're no Jimmy Carter.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Got some rompers to sew tomorrow.

Mwah! Oh, good.

Night, Dad. Happy Birthday.

I'm proud of you.

Have a good night.

She has turned into a really ambitious young woman.

Somebody did a good job parenting.

You're welcome.

Listen...

I got to fix this window and then I'll be up for my birthday present.

So, uh, brace yourself.

Okay, hold it right there.

Keep your hands where I can see them.

Hey. It's just a false alarm.

One of my screen sensors looks like it came loose.

I'm gonna need to see some I.D.

I don't have any I.D. I live here.

This house. Look at my desk.

You'll see a picture of me sitting right on that desk.

Look at that.

So you've been looking in the windows?

What's going on, Hal?

Responding to an alarm, Mr. Larabee. Uh-huh.

Found this one by the front window.

Yeah, he does fit the profile of a Peeping Tom... middle-aged, sweatpants, peeping.

He says he's the resident.

Mm. Straight out of the Peeping-Tom handbook.

This is real funny, Larabee. (Chuckles)

You know, I could put this on Yelp.

(Chuckles) I'll vouch for him, Hal. Go ahead, guys.

Okay. Take it easy, boss. See?

Hey, doesn't feel so good, does it?

You know... when people jump to conclusions about you?

You know what does feel good is hiring an incompetent security company.

You know, that window sensor's loose or something.

Keeps showing up on this alarm pad.

Oh, you probably changed the pass code without resetting the system.

Did you switch out Obama?

It was a change I could believe in.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Oh, yeah, it's been a tough five years.

Bin Laden's dead and the stock market's doubled.

Hang in there.

Yeah. No doubt, things have gotten better. Mm.

Bush's policies have finally kicked in.

(Laughs)

Good night, Baxter.

Night, Larabee.