04x01 - Here's the Kicker

[bunniefuu]

Mike: Yeah!

(Cheers and applause)

Doesn't get any better than this.

You, me, the crowd, and the Broncos.

And Justin.

I said, "the crowd."

Yeah, thank you for including me, sir.

Ah, don't thank me.

Thank the seven people who couldn't make it.

I'm gonna run to the concession stand.

You guys want anything?

A beer.

Oh, I'm not 21.

Then you'll be gone for a while.

Stadium announcer: Attention, Broncos fans... a lucky fan has been selected to come down to the field and try to kick a field goal for valuable prizes.

That fan is sitting in section 310...

Row 3...

Seat 4!

Move! Go!

Lucky seat 4, come on down!

(Crowd cheering)

What should I do?

Well, if I've learned one thing from reading the Bible, you hear a voice in the sky telling you to do something, you obey.

Let's go.

Coming through.

Watch how clean this kick is.

Look at that.

I can't believe they wouldn't let Eve keep the ball.

I mean, what's a kid in a wheelchair gonna do with that ball, anyway?

All right. Let's watch it one more time.

Ooh, let me guess... She makes it again.

I think it's more fun when he plays it backwards.

It looks like Eve's catching the ball with her foot.

It is so not fair that Eve won a Camaro.

She's 16. She's not getting a Camaro.

I get a Camaro. Plus a huge tax bill.

That's why we're selling the Camaro.

Yeah, but then she'll have some money for college and a story to tell.

Oh, yeah, really great story...

She kicked a thingy really far and it went between two other thingies.

(Mock cheer)

I thought you didn't understand the game of football.

We've been talking about Eve for 24 hours straight here!

I am running my own clothing business.

Isn't anybody impressed by that?

Of course, yes. Go ahead, honey. Yeah.

We're all ears. Let's hear it.

Okay. I actually have this amazing idea for a skirt.

It's pleated but it has...

I'm gonna be on the football team!

Okay, so the coach saw my field goal and wants me to try out for place-kicker.

A child of mine is gonna be on the football team.

I think my bucket list is complete.

You can crank up that rapture anytime you want.

T-t-there's a girls' football team, right?

No, mom. No, the real one, right?

I'm gonna be on the boys' team, the real team...

With Justin.

Wow. So you're dating a football player?

Nice pull. (Clicks tongue)

Thank you.

Look, Eve, if women start moving to men's teams, it sends a message that women's sports aren't as good as men's.

Well, you know what else sends that same message?

The fact that they're not as good.

Honey, this is very impressive, but Kristin's right... You're already playing soccer.

You made a commitment to them.

Yeah, but that's a commitment to a soccer team.

That's like making a promise to a cat.

Honey, those girls are counting on you.

Yeah, Eve. You are the best player on the soccer team.

Great. Hey, Justin, you want to date a football player or not?

Listen, Eve, your mom makes a good point. Thank you. Yes.

You can wait a year to go on the football team.

You can hold the rapture. I got another year here.

Fine. At least I still have the car.

Well...

What?

We're not gonna keep the Camaro.

We're gonna sell it, because that free Camaro is actually costing me like 20 grand in taxes.

For what? So Obama can buy more happy-meals for illegal immigrants?

Nice try.

But I'm still selling the Camaro.

Look, when we sell the car, then you'll have more money for college.

I won't need money for college.

There's no tuition at West Point.

But West Point is not set in stone.

You might decide to go somewhere else.

What? No. I'm committed to going to West Point.

And I know how you feel about commitments.

Look, honey! Eve, Eve, hold on a second.

W-w-why did you say that about West Point?

Honey.

Honey, we gotta...

What's up?

Uh, this is awkward, but Eve invited me to stay for dinner.

Umm... Why don't you pop out and get us a bottle of wine, then.

I'm still not 21.

Take all the time you need.

Oh, I agree with Vanessa.

Eve shouldn't be on that football team.

I still can't wrap my mind around women wanting to be men.

She doesn't want to be a man.

She's got bigger dreams than that...

She wants to be me.

You've been a hell of a role-model, Mikey.

Thanks. I just hope I haven't set the bar too high.

I mean, there's days I can't even pull it off.

Oh! Look at this.

Check this out.

Pink camouflage!

You know, for the ladies.

So they can hunt flamingos?

If they get the proper permits, I have no objections.

Did you know that flamingos get their color because they eat so much shrimp?

Boy, I wish I was a flamingo.

Because you like shrimp that much?

No, that would be the one down-side.

Look. Why don't you get this on the floor.

Get this on the floor. Yes, sir.

You know, pink camouflage serves no practical purpose.

Women love pink, Mikey. I don't make the rules.

Oh, and by the way, do you have any idea who called me on the phone this morning?

Do you want me to guess, or do you actually not know who you talked to this morning?

Congresswoman DeWitt. First district.

She agreed to write a letter of nomination for Eve to go to West Point.

Huh? What do you think?

(Chuckles) Thank you, my friend.

That'll help with her application.

How did you swing that?

Well, let's just say I gave generously to her campaign.

You don't need to whisper.

It's actually legal to give money to politicians.

In that case...

(Shouting) I gave generously to her campaign!

We could also use help from both U.S. Senators...

And maybe Joe Biden.

'Cause you know he's not doing anything else.

He's just Obama's foreign policy advisor.

And you can see how well that's going.

Mom, dad...

I have figured it out.

I talked to my soccer coach, and they're gonna work around my practice schedule so that I can do football and soccer.

Great. I look forward to attending one of those games.

Hey. Hey, hey. No, no. No.

You're not playing football.

No. Not with the size of those guys out there.

It's not safe.

But, mom, kickers never get hurt.

And when I'm on the field, it's the entire team's job to protect me.

She's right, honey. It's like the Secret Service.

Except...

Except they're not protecting a dictator who's systematically destroying America.

Mom. Please. I really want to do this.

Your... your father and I, we're just...

We're gonna have to think about it.

Think about it more than this?

We... we didn't think this much about having the kids.

Mom. Please?

All right, I'll go along with it, but I'm on record for saying it's a bad idea.

Which, as you recall, is exactly what I said about having these kids.

Eve: Yes! Thanks, guys!

You are looking at Woodbridge High's new place-kicker.

I'm on the football team. No.

Tell your coach you can't be number 22.

I dated number 22...

Brad... Pffft... Something.

Too many memories.

Hmm. Yeah, you might want to get that jersey steam-cleaned.

Are you kidding? I'm never taking this off.

When I walk around school wearing this, do you know how much attention I'll get?

The same amount I used to get wearing...

Well, anything, really. (Laughs)

Well, I'll be getting attention for something I actually do.

Which was kind of true of Mandy, as well.

Now the problem is... Justin.

He's being super-mopey.

So he has more than one expression?

It's pretty obvious.

Justin is struggling with issues of emasculation.

I'm taking psych this semester and, uh, I could be wrong...

But I just think that Justin is...

A psychology.

No. You can't use that word like that.

Uh, maybe you can't, drop-out!

(Laughing)

It's really hard sometimes for guys when their girlfriends are better than them at guy-stuff.

No, it is not your job to protect Justin's fragile ego, okay?

He should be happy that he has an accomplished woman in his life.

Sure, but what she's accomplished is being more of a dude than he is.

Come on.

You have to protect Justin.

I do it all the time with Kyle, you know, 'cause of how he finds me so intellectually intimidating.

Sounds like Kyle is "a psychology," too.

Just talk to Justin about what's bothering him.

But try not to be intimidating.

So start out by pretending that you don't know how to work your phone.

Be like... Ehh.

No, no, if you respect him, you will talk to him like a person.

I like hanging with Justin but I hate the talky, girly, emotion-y part.

You mean the relationship part.

You know, talking about our feelings is how people develop intimacy.

Gross. I need to go see a man about a horse.

Wow. She really didn't get any of mom's genes, did she?

Not a single pair.

Stadium announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your Woodbridge Huskies (cheering and applause) As they take the field!

There she is!

There's Eve!

Oh, God. I can't watch. Is she okay?

She hasn't even come through the banner yet, okay?

But there's still time for a massive paper-cut, okay?

Kickers never get hurt.

Yeah, you're right.

Kickers don't get hurt, come on.

Well, almost never.

If a kick is blocked, it's a loose ball, everybody goes after it and that 78 there could... Flatten her.

Uh, sweetie, stay away from 78!

Vanessa, she's gonna be fine.

If any girl can pull this off, it's Eve.

She's not scared of nothin'.

You know who she reminds me of?

Thanks, dad, but she gets a lot of this from you, too.

You know what I say? Liquid courage is still courage.

She actually reminds me of your brother Jimmy.

What? What an athlete.

Did you know Jimmy played football in high school?

I played football in high school, too.

Eve already spent more time on the field than you ever did.

I scored a touchdown during homecoming, dad.

I'm pretty sure that was Jimmy.

That was me.

Fine.

We'll agree to disagree.

Stadium announcer: Third-and-goal for Woodbridge. Ball on the 5-yard line. Timeout, Woodbridge.

This is ridiculous!

There's 16 seconds left, you're down by 2.

Put in the field-goal kicker! No!

Give it a rest, Baxter!

Let the coach call the plays.

Give it to my boy again!

You know, Larabee, I forgot your son plays on my daughter's football team.

Brandon is a two-way player and co-captain.

Girl on the team... Kind of a gimmick.

A gimmick?

You know, that's what they said about Jackie Robinson.

(Chuckles)

Now, I know there's a lot of noise in here...

But I think I just heard you compare Jackie Robinson to a little white girl.

Now just watch, Baxter.

They're gonna give the ball to Brandon, he's gonna punch it in from the 5-yard line.

Go, Brandon! Go, Brandon! Go!

Go. Go. Go. Go!

Argh!

Crowd: Aww.

Brandon Larabee brought down for a 2-yard loss.

Maybe you should've been more specific about the direction you wanted him to run.

Good thing there's a Baxter in to clean up this mess!

Go, Eve! But carefully!

Oh, I can't take this. I'm going back to the car.

All right, Eve. Line it up.

Line it up!

Player: Hut! Hut! Boot it!

Come on, come on!

Yeah!

(Cheering)

Hey, how about a gimmick like that?

A gimmick that actually moves the numbers on the scoreboard!

What the hell happened to Vanessa?

Doesn't she like football?

Hey! Good game tonight.

Yeah, you had a good one.

I barely even played.

Sorry it took me so long to shower.

I was covered in Gatorade.

So I guess we should...

Probably talk?

About what?

About the fact that you seem to be bugged that I'm better than you at football.

Who says you're better?

Uh, the Gatorade and the 40 guys who carried me off the field.

I mean, one of us won the game tonight and one of us only got off the bench to run from a bee.

Eve, I hadn't even thought about it like that, like, who's better than who.

Come on, Justin.

I-I get it if you feel emasculated.

Eve, get over yourself.

Look, I-I like that you're good at stuff, I do, but... that doesn't take anything away from me.

And I don't feel emasculated.

I feel lucky.

Test.

Really?

Yeah.

Cool.

So... If you don't have a problem, then why have you been acting so weird since this whole football thing started?

Because of what happened at the Bronco game.

You just jumped in my seat, Eve.

I mean, technically, the Camaro you won should be mine.

My... my dad's not even letting me keep the Camaro.

Yeah, well, my dad might've, but I'll never know, since I didn't get a chance to do the kick.

W-w-which you wouldn't have made anyway.

The most you would've gotten was 20 yards.

I owe you a Papa John's gift card... Maybe.

(Scoffs) I-I could've made the 40.

(Scoffs) Okay.

Let's go down to the field right now...

You kick a 40-yarder, I'll make my dad give you the car.

Just take me to Papa John's, we'll call it even.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with something for the ladies.

No, not me. Sorry. I'm taken.

I mean this...

Pink camouflage.

You probably can't see her 'cause she blends in with everything.

Pink camo... pretty much useless unless you're storming Barbie's dreamhouse.

Why do we sell something that's useless?

Because women like pink.

"Well, that's a stereotype," you say.

Is it insensitive? Yes. Because men are insensitive.

That is also a stereotype.

Are some of them true? Sure, some of them are true, but I don't want to say which ones because then the female viewers will all be...

(Imitates chatter)

Oops. Another one slipped out.

Stereotypes are often defined by exceptions.

The Aka pygmies of Central Africa, the women are the primary hunters.

Does that make the pygmy men feel small?

Really hard to tell.

Maybe the men just sit back, enjoy all that free hippo jerky and complain that the hut "is so cold!"

Anyway, to honor the female hunters, Outdoor Man is holding our women-warriors weekend.

Our camo is 20% off, green or pink.

Just bring lots of your green stuff because you ladies sure know how to spend it.

Oh, another one slipped out.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, dad. Come on in.

Oh, please tell me you didn't take that from a kid in a wheelchair.

Hi, Vanessa. Hey, Bud.

I found this for Eve.

It's the game ball from when your school won the championship.

I know Mike remembers this game.

Oh, yeah?

Jimmy scored the winning touchdown, and Mike got to cheer him on from the bench.

Mom! I had a big breakthrough on that skirt I was working on.

Can I show you? Of course. I'd love to see anything that you design.

So...

Hey, guys.

Hey.

(Inhales sharply) Oh, my God! Eve!

Hey. You're hurt!

Forget it. I'll just finish my story when Eve goes off to college.

Don't get freaked out. I'm fine.

So what's with the crutches?

You just wanted to park closer to the house, didn't ya?

She just sprained her knee at practice.

I-I-I tweaked it.

I just need to get upstairs and get my weight off it.

All right. I'll bring you some ice.

You know, it's already feeling better.

Unrelated... how much aspirin can one take before it's lethal?

Asking for a friend.

This is exactly what I said was gonna happen.

So you jinxed her! Thanks a lot!

She's out there with all those giant 78's and 85's... it was just a matter of time before she got injured.

You know who never got injured... dad!

I don't want her playing in that game Friday night or any other Friday night.

I want her off that team.

So it's too late to ask you not to overreact.

(Doorbell rings) I'm not overreacting.

Yeah?

I am so sorry! You probably hate me!

Well, you're a teenager, so chances are very good.

What is it, Cammy?

We were at soccer practice and we both went for the ball, and I guess Eve twisted her knee, and it's my stupid fault!

So this happened at soccer.

Oh, my God! What if this means Eve has to quit soccer?

What if she never comes back to me?

To us. The team.

Eve plays soccer, too?

Yes, and she's amazing.

She's like a young leopard, but also a warm spring breeze.

And a daisy.

I'm old, little girl. You have to try to make sense.

Cammy, Eve's gonna be fine.

Listen, why don't you take this upstairs for her knee if you want to be helpful.

Thank you, Eve's mom!

That is a strange child.

Listen, honey...

I think the game of football is due a little apology.

I don't care, Mike. I don't care.

She's quitting. It's too dangerous.

What do you mean? This happened at soccer.

She's been playing soccer for nine years, nothing's ever happened.

I mean nothing... no scoring, no action, nothing.

Nine years of me in the stands with you next to me...

"Wake up, get up, it's over, wake up!"

It's all too much, Mike.

T-the football, the soccer, the Junior ROTC.

Come on. We can't stop her from doing fun, crazy stuff.

That's who she is.

Yeah, because you made her that way.

You're blaming me... Yes.

...for our over-achieving, athletic, brilliant daughter, then I'll take that.

You know what I'm blaming you for?

This. This.

It's a nomination letter for West Point. Yeah.

Came three days ago.

It's from congresswoman DeWitt. Great.

I asked Ed to help us out.

This is great news.

He thinks he can get Joe Biden to do this.

He knows the guy that whitens his teeth.

I don't want Eve going to West Point.

I don't.

It was one thing when she was little, but now it's just...

It's... it's starting to be too real, Mike.

If Eve becomes a soldier, just think... someday, the news at our front door...

It... it might be worse than a hurt knee.

I'm scared of this, too. Okay?

It's the most terrifying thing I ever went through.

Being a soldier.

Nah. Being a parent.

Can't protect your kids from the choices they wanna make, even when they're scaring the hell outta you.

Okay, so, uh... So, what did you do?

I try to shut down my emotions.

I'm pretty good at it.

This helps.

So outside of using alcohol to push down your emotions, we can try to keep the kid safe while she's living under our roof.

That's all we can do.

I want to support Eve in everything that she does, but...

You can't hold her back from being the woman that she wants to be.

The world's gonna do enough of that.

I'm with my son, the feminist, on this.

It's never gonna get easy, is it?

I told you kids were a bad idea.

(Sighs)

Ah, here. Might as well give this to Eve.

She'll be really happy to see it.

Uh, you should give it to her.

Why me? Well, I don't want her to think I opened her mail.

That is, in fact, a felony.

Good job, Mike.

Thanks, dad.

Unconditional support for your kids...

Mm-hmm.

...and never, ever show favorites.

I got that from Jimmy.

Well, that's... that's absolutely terrific.

Eve's a great kid. Eve's a great kid.

And West Point has always been a dream of hers, sir.

Yeah, so thank you. Thank you very much.

It's been an honor speaking with you, Mr. Vice President, and I'm sure you have... sure you have better things to do with your time right now, sir, your valuable time.

No, I-I don't have anything pressing I have to do right now.

Do I like jokes?

Sure, sure. Go ahead.

All right. (Chuckles) Yeah.

Okay, uh...

How many does it take to screw in a light bulb, sir?

Really? Well, that seems like a lot of people to do what seems to be like a relatively simple task.

Um...

Wha... sir?

Did I hear a toilet flush?