04x02 - w*r Games

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

Ohh.

Mmm. Mmm.

I love you so much.

Wait a minute... that doesn't sound like the "I love you. You're a great husband."

It sounds like, "I love you. I scratched your truck."

If I scratched your truck, I would know enough to just keep driving.

So, everything's good? Yeah.

All right.

It's just that... ohhhh, boy.

Well, Suzy Shaw and Betsy Wolf are coming to town this weekend.

Those old broads still travel?

Yes, my college roommates can still travel.

Honey, you should see them on Facebook.

For "old broads," they look amazing.

I've seen Suzy on Facebook.

A little too much Botox.

She has the same expression at her surprise party as she does at her dad's funeral.

I feel a little insecure.

I mean, they used to call us "the three hot toddies," and now I'm afraid it'll be two toddies and a moscow mule.

Truth is, I married a very beautiful woman.

From where I stand, she's just as beautiful as she ever was.

Thanks, honey.

I keep telling myself that age is just a number.

And no matter how crazy-big that number gets, I'll still love you, mom.

Thank you, Mandy.

So, how's the fashion business, huh?

Well, IMHO, my LBDs could end up being a really BFD.

Cut the hipster talk.

She's already feeling really old today.

In my humble opinion, my little black dresses could end up being a really big frickin' deal.

Some generations win world wars.

Some win cold wars.

Some come up with snazzy abbreviations.

Bye.

Hey, um... ILY.

(Chuckling) Oh. Yeah. (Chuckles)

I love yams.

But what a weird way to say "have a nice day."

Bye, honey. Bye, guys.

Bye! Bye!

Wow. Mandy, honey, these dresses look amazing.

I know, right? Yeah.

But I need to take some new pictures for the website, and I'm hoping to find a slightly leggier model than, uh, sergeant stumpy over there.

Hey. I'm taller than you.

Huh?

No way. When did that happen?

Uh, a while ago.

But to spare your feelings, I've been walking around on my knees.

Hey, you know what... I tower over both of you, so, Mandy, maybe... maybe I should be your model.

Okay.

I know that you're joking, but, like... Don't.

What, you don't think I could pull off one of your LBDs?

Ah.

It's just that, um...

Modeling is a really dangerous business.

Okay.

And I just... I care about you too much to see you get addicted to heroin.

So...

I'm gonna stick with Eve.

Maybe we should do the young one... like that.

Hey.

Hi. How were drills?

Tough.

It's just nice knowing we're out there hitting it while the Ruskies are still in bed.

The Ruskies aren't in bed.

They're doing jello sh*ts in the Ukraine.

And you know who to blame for that?

Obama. Obama.

Couple years, guys, you'll have Hillary to blame for everything Vladimir Putin does.

Wow. I like blaming her for stuff.

But, then again, to blame her, she'd have to be president.

These are the tough choices we face as Americans.

Hey.

Home so soon from Spencer's party?

Uh, Boyd got thrown out.

What? From a birthday party?

One too many juice boxes. We've all been there.

Honey, what happened?

Spencer's mom said I broke the rules.

Boyd had the other kids running around the yard playing w*r.

You know, sh**ting finger pistols at each other.

Stop it!

A 7-year-old with a finger p*stol?!

Did you get hit with any booger bazookas?

If they come for my finger, they're gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead hand.

We were just playing "Dirty Dozen."

I was Lee Marvin.

That's because you're a born leader.

Seriously, Mike? You showed him "The Dirty Dozen"?

How do you think he learned how to count to 12?

You're welcome.

So, this whole ugly incident occurred because of certain influences that Boyd has in his life.

To be clear, we all know I'm talking about Mike, right?

Yeah, now who's pointing fingers?

Honey, come on. You want to come help me upstairs?

Okay. What are we doing?

We are picking out an outfit.

Grandma's meeting up with some old friends who she needs to look way better than.

Can I change my mind?

No.

I mean, come on, Mike. Really? You showed him "The Dirty Dozen"?

I don't want him pretending to k*ll Germans.

Since when do you become so pro-n*zi?

I am not pro-n*zi. I'm just anti-v*olence.

Although I realize I'm preaching in the wrong church here.

Calm down, Betty.

I'm just going off to play paintball.

This is where it starts.

As a culture, we teach our children to be violent.

No, no, no. They don't have to be taught.

You stuff a paper donkey full of candy, give kids sticks, watch nature just take its course.

I still remember my first piñata.

The only thing Dora was exploring was the business end of a baseball bat.

Well, I would appreciate if every once in a while, you could show Boyd a movie where conflict is settled through diplomacy.

So typical, Ryan.

You want all the protection the m*llitary provides, but you don't want to know how they make the sausage.

I know how they make the sausage.

It's a big part of why I'm a vegetarian.

Enjoy your lentil chops, hippie.

I'm off to sh**t people with paint.

Bye! Bye! Bye!

You know, I don't see the harm steering Boyd towards nonviolent activities.

He just helped me pick out this very pretty scarf.

I think we found the harm.

Hey. Hi.

Can you believe our kid?

The one I don't believe is Spencer's mom.

They were playing w*r with their fingers.

Well, I got a finger for her.

We have a rule among parents... you invite my kid to a party, he's yours for four hours.

Oh, that reminds me... I've got that hair appointment, and Marci has a really strict cancelation policy. Of course. Yes. Go.

Let the ladies take care of this.

You go get your hair done.

So, how's, uh, Boyd doing with all this?

You know, he only has a few friends, and Spencer was his favorite.

I didn't realize he was having trouble making friends.

That's because he's Lee Marvin, the leader.

Can never get close to people 'cause...

They always come after the ones you love.

Mike, honey, this is troubling. I mean all of it.

Boyd's struggle to make friends, your crush on Lee Marvin.

He doesn't need to be friends with this Spencer weenie.

I mean, 7-year-olds make friends quicker than drunks.

They're fighting one minute, and the next, (slurring) "I love you, man. I do."

Hi, mommy. I got 86'd out of the party.

Oh, I know, sweetie, but did you at least get to eat some cake?

No. And it was carrot with soy ice cream.

Ohhh.

Spencer's mom did you a favor, pal.

Can we do something fun now?

Oh, that's a little bit of a problem.

You see, mommy has to get back to work.

Well, there's no problem.

Grandpa can take you to Outdoor Man, if it's all right, 'cause we're having a weekend promotion, lot of kid stuff to do. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a bouncy house, arcade, face painting.

We'll meet some new friends.

There'll be more Spencers there than you can shake a stick at.

And down at Outdoor Man, you can actually shake sticks at people.

Sounds perfect, dad. Thank you.

But before we go, come up and help grandpa pick out an outfit.

Can I play sh**ting gallery, grandpa?

Boyd, we're not doing that right now.

We're coming here to play games and... and make friends here.

Like... Go in the bouncy house. A lot of nice kids in there.

But I don't want to go to the bouncy house. You're gonna go...

I want to sh**t the r*fles.

Stop, stop, stop. Calm down. Ple-e-e-e-ase?

Let the kid sh**t!

There's a pitch to that whine that cuts right through my skull.

Let's do a little snack. How about a pretzel?

Take him over there and just spray mustard all over his face.

That's where it's gonna end up anyway, right?

All right, these glasses belong to that girl, and this inhaler is his.

Or is it the other way around?

It's okay, Kyle. Give that to whoever starts wheezing.

Get this.

Heh?

Boyd goes to a birthday party today, and they kick him out for pointing a finger g*n at another kid.

Come on. A finger p*stol? Yeah.

They're coming for these now? Come on.

I know.

Some lady at the party... his dad... got all bent out of shape about it, you know.

So... He doesn't like simulated v*olence.

Country's gone soft, Mike.

It used to be air r*fles were standard issue, you know, in the first grade.

I took more shrapnel in elementary school than I ever did in Vietnam.

Now these kids are spending all their time in basements eating cheetos, sh**ting zombies, getting fake exercise and real fat.

Pow, pow! I got you, grandpa!

(Chuckles) Look at that.

The boy's made a g*n out of a pretzel.

The Germans would be proud, kid.

Better watch that curved barrel, or you're gonna sh**t yourself in the schnitzel.

Now can I go to the sh**ting gallery, grandpa?

No, we're gonna get in the bouncy.

Come on. Now, what are you gonna do, Mike?

It's the way little boys are wired.

Hmm?

Listen, as far as anyone's concerned, I might have lost track of you for a half-hour.

Let's go. Come on.

Hey, Paul, line 'Em up.

Mom, don't worry. Everything is gonna be fine.

Why do I suddenly feel like you ran somebody over?

Because that's exactly what she said that time that she ran somebody over.

This is way bigger than that, okay?

I figured out a way for you to look awesome when you meet up with your school friends, Ethel and Mildred.

Suzy and Betsy!

Who are they?

Uh, mom's hot friends from college.

Suzy looks like she's 30.

Ew. 30.

Sad.

♪ Ta-da-da-da ♪

Sweetie! Thank you!

Ooh, let me see.

Well.

A little short, but I like it.

Oh, God, no! That's just the first layer.

All right.

So, here are the leggings to layer under that.

Okay.

And then we got a sweater to layer over.

Then we got this nice scarf so you can just cover up all that, like, uggggh!

Super-wide belt just to sort of "sssk!" In the middle.

So, for me, being awesome means "not visible"?

Oh, my God. Mom, I'm so sorry.

Totally forgot the poncho. Hold that!

Honey, I'm not wearing this.

I may not be 22, but I'm not the elephant woman.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm with Vanessa.

I mean, what makes society think that an older woman can't be sexy?

Their eyes?

Thank you, Ryan.

You know what?

I think I could totally pull this one off.

Ooh. Not if dad pulls it off you first.

Oh, gross!

Yeah, now that Mike's in the mix, I'm kind of with Mandy.

I am gonna wear this dress, and I am gonna look hot.

Kardashian hot.

Oh, and not the mom or the tall one.

Ah. I blame forever 21.

You know, they should really call that place "face it, you're 50."

Paintball is awesome!

Kristin: What?

Hey, what happened to "wait and let's see if they notice"?

You said he was taking him face painting.

Well, it looks like they got a little bit on his face.

No, no, no. That's actually German spicy mustard.

I cannot believe you, Mike.

I mean, after everything we talked about, you take him paintballing?

This is not paintball.

It's called splat-ball. It's low-impact.

It's just for kids. Why was he even there?

They came to pick me up from paintball, and there were some kids from Boyd's school playing.

The lucky ones that didn't get invited to that weenie Spencer's party, okay?

It was just a bunch of kids. They saw Boyd sitting there.

They invited him to play. He made a bunch of friends.

That was the idea... to make some friends, right?

Yeah, friends with g*ns ...that's called a g*ng.

They even gave me a nickname. Yeah?

"Bullseye," like a scary eye on a big, tough bull.

Yeah, that's... Probably why they gave you that nickname.

He seemed to really hit it off with this kid Max.

Max is gonna play again next week. Can I go, too, dad?

Sounds like he really did have a good time.

Max can drink soda through his nose.

Well, uh, what about your buddy Spencer?

Spencer's mom won't let him drink soda.

Babe, please?

I guess we'll be seeing a lot more of Max.

Max is good people.

The kid was nice enough to share his a*mo with Boyd.

Here, here... Here.

Well, all right. Yeah, that's great.

We'll see you in a few minutes.

And tell Spencer I'll whip him up some mac and cheese.

Of course gluten-free.

Of course without the cheese.

Great news, buddy.

Spencer's coming over for a playdate.

Yay! I'm gonna go build a fort!

Oh. Okay.

But a nonviolent peace fort where everybody is welcome.

That is great that Sandra's letting Spencer coming over.

I know. Yeah.

That's the kind of friend I want Boyd to have, you know?

Not those gunslinging mini psychos your dad hooked him up with.

All right. Enough, okay?

Uh, how did you get Sandra to agree?

Oh, you know, I can be very persuasive... especially when I use the (Deep voice) NPR voice.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know whether I want to sleep with you or... Pledge money.

Well, either way, you will get a tote bag.

(Chuckles)

Now, Sandra just wanted to make sure our house was safe... you know, no g*ns, no mean dogs or anything.

Uh, and... what did you tell her?

That everything was fine.

Is... That a problem?

Did we get an invisible dog I don't know about?

(Chuckles) No.

It's just that, you know, as a parent, I can't in good conscience lie to another mom, so...

Well, yeah, okay, but we didn't lie to her, so...

Well, we actually... kind of...

Have a-a g*n.

(Laughs)

No, we don't.

I have a g*n.

No, you don't.

You have a g*n?

I never mentioned it?

I may not listen to everything you say, Kris, but I remember the big ones, like "I'm pregnant" and "I have a g*n."

It has always been unloaded and completely locked up.

You know that safe that's on the top shelf of my closet?

Yeah. That's for jewelry.

Have you ever given me jewelry worth putting in a safe?

Okay, that's fair.

But how could you bring a deadly w*apon into our house and when were you gonna tell me about it?

Ideally, right after saving your life by sh**ting an intruder.

This is unbelievable, Kris!

Look, I got the g*n when I was a kid.

I-I know this may sound crazy to you, but from my dad, it was a loving gift.

He... he would take me to the target range and teach me g*n safety, and then afterwards, we'd go out and get root-beer floats.

Okay, look, I am glad that you have these warm...

Violent memories with your father, but you don't live with him anymore.

This is our house... a place where parents expect their kids to be safe, a-a place where there's no g*ns in the closet and no cheese in the mac and cheese.

Well, my dad would argue that having a g*n makes it safer.

But what do you believe, Kris?

(Doorbell rings)

Look, you have to decide that.

Spencer's here!

Wait, honey. Don't answer it yet.

Why? So you can lay down some cover fire?

(Sighs)

That's great.

Now you go up and put something proper on, young lady.

Sorry. Just habit.

This is what I'm wearing to have cocktails with my friends.

What do you think?

What I think is, "suck it, men. I win."

(Laughs)

Hey. What about you?

What do you think?

She's speechless. Another reason to love that dress.

You know what?

I may not rock it like somebody younger would, but I think I look pretty darn nice.

Unh-unh-unh-unh. Stop.

Turn.

Turn.

Turn. No, that's enough. I'm not turning.

No, no, keep spinning. It'll save money on booze.

Mandy, what ...what is it?

Mom...

I was wrong to think that you can't wear my designs just because you're old.

That was so close to a compliment.

You look smokin'-hot, mom.

(Laughs) Thank you.

I'm a miracle worker.

How do you feel?

You've proved Mandy wrong.

Join the club ...the huge club.

Yeah. It feels great ...really great.

Good. Yeah.

I'm gonna go take this dress off now.

Why? I proved my point.

I just... I want to go out with my girlfriends and feel comfortable.

Don't you want them to see this?

Bet you Suzy's reaction... surprise, excitement, jealousy.

Kind of hard to tell with the Botox. It'll just be...

Well... It is nice to let the girls out every once in a while.

Believe me, the boys like it.

Okay. Well, then I'll wear it.

Good. Good. Have fun.

Don't wait up.

Oh, I'll be up.

(Laughing) Wow. Mom, you look fantastic.

I know.

Hey, hey, dad, uh, can I talk to you?

Uh, sure.

You know, the best thing about you moving out is I get to see so much of you.

Um, look, I... I need you...

To keep this here for me.

You've done something terrible, haven't you?

We got to get our stories straight.

No, uh, Ryan doesn't want it in the apartment.

Taking orders from Ryan, huh?

It was my decision.

It's your right.

It's also my right to tell you it's a stupid decision.

In the car on the way over here, I was, uh, thinking about that summer up at camp when you taught me how to sh**t.

Do you remember that?

Uh, tick summer.

No, that was the sunburn summer.

Yeah.

You lined up the cans on the fence, and you told me to pretend that they were Craig Gerard because he kept calling me "Sissy Krissy."

He ended up marrying a dude, didn't he? Mm-hmm.

So he was probably just projecting back then.

And when I was 16...

You gave me this g*n.

I had a big fight with your mom about that.

She said we should get you a car.

I said with a g*n, you can get whatever car you want.

When I moved out, uh, I knew I wouldn't have you to protect me anymore, but I had this.

You know, it was a sort of piece of you with me, and it made it a lot easier.

But I'm getting married now, and I want Ryan to feel comfortable in our home, so I am getting rid of the couch and anything that kills people.

Thank God you got Boyd around to protect you.

That and we don't own anything worth stealing, so...

Well, certainly not anymore.

Dad...

I get it. I get it, okay?

Are you mad? No, I'm not mad.

I just want you to remember... when he's out delivering for a weekend and you hear some noise in the house that scares you...

I know, I know... don't come crying to you.

No. You call me.

I'll be there before you hang up the phone.

The Bill of Rights... the actual Bill of Rights.

I got to get this back. They're gonna be pretty upset.

This sacred document means different things to different people.

To a patriot, it's a safeguard for those personal freedoms we hold back from the federal government.

For Nic Cage, it's a coded treasure map leading him to Ben Franklin's gold.

The First Amendment... boy, that's a big one.

Freedom of speech and religion, also known as "why you can't shove a Jehovah's Witness off your porch."

Second Amendment... oh, boy, here we go... the right to bear arms.

And by "arms," I think the founders also meant...

Finger g*ns.

Outdoor Man encourages g*n rights, safety, and respect for others.

Our focus must be on keeping g*ns in proper hands.

Now, 99% of you g*n owners are smart, sane people.

I'm not talking to you, so go on about your business.

This message is for the crazy people.

You know who you are.

You wear full-body armor and carry an AK-47 to order a burrito at Chipotle.

Not necessary.

If you ask politely, they'll give the extra salsa.