04x03 - Rediscover America

[bunniefuu]

Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the "Denver Business Weekly."

Guy needed more time. Apparently 5,000 words isn't enough to take in all of this.

Well, that's the price you pay for being so fascinating.

Thank goodness you're a geologist.

You dodged that b*llet.

Good morning.

Hey!

Hey!

So I brought some leftover stuff from the restaurant that didn't sell.

That's called garbage.

Chocolate eclairs.

Whoa. Put them right there. (Laughs)

Hey, Eve, I saw that article about you in the sports section.

Yeah. It wasn't just about me, though.

The coach and the other players had some quotes...

About me.

Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, dad's in a magazine. Sorry.

Did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me?

You don't need a publicist.

Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks?

Joke's on you!

I don't know what a limerick is.

Look at this.

"Woodbridge High has upped their scoring average since adding female kicker Eve Baxter."

That's fantastic, honey.

Pretty sweet.

My daughter is a star football player.

I just keep getting more fascinating. (Sighs)

I just don't get why they keep calling me "female kicker."

Why can't I just be the kicker?

You know? Uh, because you're the only player in the league who wears a bra.

Mm, I don't know. That right tackle, 300-pounder, could use a bra.

Well, pointing out that you're female just raises visibility for woman athletes.

You are inspiring girls to believe that they can compete with boys.

Let's not get carried away here.

Not everybody can be Eve.

I mean, look at this family. We're only 1-for-3.

Eve is opening doors for women.

Huh. Just like Hillary Clinton.

(Chuckles)

No, Hillary better knock, make sure Bill's got his pants on.

How about we call this one the "Santa Maria"?

1,600 horsepower, twin turbo.

If Columbus had this, he could have made it across the ocean in, like, two days.

And Columbus day would have been two months ago and we would have missed the sale.

Good call, Mr. B.

Just put the sign in the mako, please.

Aye, aye, captain.

Yeah, you gotta give it up for Columbus.

Discovering the new world.

Well, I'll give him this ...he's a good salesman.

I think you mean sailor.

No, I mean salesman. He was an ltalian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to lndia, which he never found, That's a good salesman.

Look at this. Look at this. This is looking good.

It's my job to please the boss.

Actually, that's my job.

Okay, here comes that breakfast burrito. (Coughs)

A little P.D.A. has never hurt anyone, Mike.

Then why am I so uncomfortable?

Because you're slouching.

You know, I like hearing Mike call you the boss, Eddie, but I look around the store and all I see is Mike's clone army You know, that's interesting.

The U.S. government experimented briefly with a clone army of Mike Baxters, but they decided no one country should have that much power.

I wish I had a clone... just to try out haircuts on.

Or to bounce ideas off like that before you say 'em out loud.

Listen, I've got a few clones that won't come out of the closet.

I gotta go grab 'em.

Mm. I'm serious, babe.

Why aren't there any pictures of you in the store?

Oh, Mike is the face of Outdoor Man, always has been.

Because he's so ruggedly handsome.

My Eddie is every bit as handsome.

(Laughs)

I'm sorry. I just laughed 'cause you said something so crazy.

Kyle...

A pigeon took a crap on my car this morning.

Go take care of it.

I'll clean that up right away, sir.

No, no, no.

I mean, take care of it.

Hmm?

I want to send a message to the rest of the flock.

This would be a perfect job for crew-cut Kyle.

Thanks.

I got to tell you, it bothers me that when people hear "Outdoor Man," they don't think of you ...they think of Mike.

Marketing is Mike's thing, which he's great at, which gives me more time with you. (Chuckles)

Which I am great at. (Chuckles)

As long as I have 30 minutes notice.

(Laughs) You know? (Laughs)

I would still like to see you featured in the ads.

No, no... I don't photograph well.

Some people say my smile is scary.

(Laughs) That's crazy.

Let me see it.

No.

Give me one.

All right.

We'll work on that, baby. (Kisses)

Hey, could I get my blue sweater back, please?

Oh, really, I just borrowed that so you wouldn't wear it again and embarrass yourself.

Whoa. Could I borrow that skirt? (Laughs)

(Stomps foot)

What?

(Huffs) You can both go straight to hell.

Well, good morning, sunshine.

(Laughing) What's with you?

Uh, didn't you hear?

I blew a kick last night and cost us the game.

Oh, yeah. I know, I know.

It's... it's all they're talking about in Gaza.

(Inhales sharply) Wow.

Evie, you are probably feeling pretty down right now, and reading the old sports page isn't gonna make you feel any better.

So, allow me. (Clicks tongue)

"The game was lost last night when Woodbridge's female kicker, Eve Baxter ..."

a-a-ah-ahem... moi!... missed a last-second field goal attempt.

Oh! What? What a jerk!

I can't believe he wrote it like that.

"Female kicker missed."

Why? I'm a female, I'm a kicker, and I missed.

That's actually solid reporting.

But it's like this guy went out of his way to emphasize that you're a woman.

You loved that a few days ago.

Yeah, that's because the other article was positive.

I mean, now he's making it sound like you only missed the kick because you have ovaries.

It is so sexist, okay?

I feel like calling up this...

Jennifer Thompson...

And telling him a thing a thing or two.

Ah, yes! Jennifer Thompson, my new favorite author.

(Giggles)

Ooh, ooh! Read that part again where perfect Eve isn't good at something.

Oh, I swear, I think this only happened because I forgot to wear my lucky socks.

Okay, stop kicking her when she's down.

Hey, at least my kicks are accurate.

(Laughs)

Oh! Maybe I should be the new lady kicker!

Like, ooh!

I'm not a lady kicker or a female kicker, I'm just a kicker who hit the upright last night and let everyone down.

Hey, Eve, you're also our sister, okay?

Who let everyone down. (Scoffs)

(Laughs) Shh!

This is fun!

I can see why she likes doing it to me.

There I am. Right there.

My picture in a magazine.

What's going on, ladies?

What, the fall fashion issue of "Vogue" come out?

Don't be silly, Mr. Alzate.

Everybody knows that came out two months ago.

What?

I know because my girlfriend is into fashion.

And I know that because she always borrows my "Vogue."

Hey, Mr. Alzate, check it out.

Yeah?

They dropped off an early edition of the "Denver Business Weekly."

Mr. B.'s on the cover.

Well, will you look at that?

"The inside world of Outdoor Man."

Another stroke of marketing genius from Mike, huh?

Yeah.

Look at that.

And I made the article twice.

Uh-huh.

There's a part where an unnamed "bumbling office worker" spills coffee.

I'm that bumbler.

Yeah, and this picture of Mr. B. on page 16...

Right.

That's my elbow.

Huh.

My elbow in a regional publication.

(Laughs)

You know, if they had a picture of your ass, you'd be able to tell the two apart.

(Chuckles)

Hey, did you know that the different sections in the store were inspired by Mr. B.'s world travels?

Yes, I know, that was... that was my idea.

Are you sure? They don't mention that in the article.

No, they do not.

Hey, guys.

My buddy and I have a great idea for the Columbus day vlog.

Although, as you might imagine, his ideas are a bit... flat.

I'm just reading your... interview here.

Sounds like you're full of great ideas.

Haven't read it yet, but, boy, I'll tell you, the guy on the cover can't take a bad picture.

Yeah, well, you know, there's an elbow on page 16 that can't take a bad picture, either.

That's not even my good elbow.

Nice job on the article.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

I guess I can't complain about free publicity, huh?

But... Sounds like you're going to.

Oh, no, come on. It's just that I've accomplished so much in my life, I just don't get too excited about things.

Sure, you do.

Mm?

I've seen you when the McRib comes out.

I'll tell you what doesn't excite me too much.

It's this... this whole Columbus day boat sale thing.

I just... frankly I-I don't get it.

All right.

Uh... Columbus...

Mm-hmm.

Came here on a boat.

Yep.

We sell boats, so we're using Columbus' boat to sell our boats.

Where did I lose you?

It doesn't feel right.

I think we should cancel Columbus day.

Well, then you should have stopped him from coming over here when you guys were kids.

Kyle, could you get this thing out of here and get the other ones off the sales floor, please?

Ed, you haven't even heard about the Columbus day vlog yet.

Columbus was a huckster and a glory hog.

Columbus went across the Atlantic four times.

That's three and a half times more than the "Titanic," which you were also on.

I don't think you heard me, Mike.

The promotion and vlog are off.

You got to run this stuff by me, Ed.

I don't have to run anything by you. I'm the boss.

We're partners.

I brought you in.

You brought me in to a bait and tackle shop that I turned into 20 huge superstores.

19 stores, Mike. Huh? The first one was all me.

You know, I don't know what genius came up with high school football on Friday nights.

Yeah, well, thank goodness for the DVR.

Friday night is the only good night on television.

You know it's gonna be freezing out there?

Mm-hmm.

You and I might need to... (clicks tongue)

Snuggle under a blanket.

Well, you want to take a run at me, you better put a little more lrish in that coffee.

Hmm?

Way ahead of you. (Sniffs)

Ooh. I actually might need to add a little coffee to this lrish. (Chuckles)

You're sure engrossed in that article.

Learning anything new about yourself?

No, but I learned something about Ed.

Aw. You know, it's not like you two to fight.

It's this article.

I told the guy all about Ed and how he started the company.

There's nothing in here about Ed.

Well, I'm sure Ed understands.

Now he's got this pushy broad in his life.

Uh, Ed likes to call her his girlfriend.

Uh, whatever. I'm not into labels.

(Sighs)

Now she's whispering stuff in his ear.

Well, not whispering. He's really hard of hearing.

Mike, you don't know that.

I do. He's going deaf.

I mean about Wendi.

Wh... Ed and I have been working together for 28 years.

He's never been involved in my promotions...

Until Wendi started butting in.

Is she butting in, or just sticking up for her guy?

You know, you'd be surprised about how many times I've had to stick up for you.

You're not as universally liked as you think.

I have a love letter from the "Denver Business Weekly" that begs to differ.

You know what? This fight is not about Wendi.

It's about your relationship with Ed.

I don't have a "relationship" with Ed.

We're partners.

And not in the way that gay people have wrecked that word.

Honey, when two people have been together for a long time, it's natural to harbor resentments.

Hmm.

It might be healthy for you to get some things off your chest.

Mm...

I hate those curtains.

Wha...

Mm.

I hate your sister.

All right... (mutters)

(Exhales) You know what? I do feel better.

Oh, where are my socks?

Oh, so you lost your socks like you lost the game?

What now?!

You know what? I hate our children.

Oh... (sighs)

I need those socks!

Hmm, if you kicked them off, they could have ended up anywhere.

Except where you were aiming. (Laughs) Oh!

Knock it off. Eve caught a bad break last Friday, and we're not gonna pile on about it.

At least not while she's in the room.

So I'm not allowed to pick on Eve after 16 years of her taking wise-ass sh*ts at me, like, every single day?

It wasn't every day.

There was that whole week she was at soccer camp.

Look, I'm sorry if my slams hurt your feelings, but this whole kicking thing has really gotten me freaked, and I could use a little support from my family right now.

Please.

Fine.

Way to take the fun out of being mean to you.

All right, I will go upstairs.

I will look for your ugly orange socks.

Thank you.

And F.Y.I., that "lost game, lost sock" diss was actually pretty solid.

Thank you.

It was a no-brainer.

Like I am. Oh!

I don't even need you anymore. (Laughs)

Oh... (chuckles)

Honey, why don't you go look in the laundry?

Okay.

See what our girls just did?

Women are really good at resolving conflict.

Because they cause most of 'em.

You guys are like firemen that turn out to be arsonists.

Well, it might be healthy for you and Ed to be more like them.

Except when Ed loses his socks, generally they're on his feet.

Eve: Uh, mom?

My name is Dad.

Oh! You found your socks.

Yeah. Smell them.

Oh, no, no, no. Your dad got me with that one this morning.

There's nothing to smell. I can't believe it.

Why would you wash my socks?

I ask myself that question every time I do laundry.

Mom, these are my game socks, my lucky socks, and you washed the mojo out of them.

I just have to pray we never cross midfield tonight so I don't have to kick.

Seriously, honey?

Come... what happened to the Eve Baxter with ice water in her veins?

(Scoffs) It's turned to ice.

When I get out there to kick now, I just freeze up.

You wouldn't get it.

Try me.

There's all this pressure already being the kicker, but now I'm the female kicker, and so if I miss, it's not just the team or the school...

I'm letting down all women.

I don't want to be Rosa Parks.

(Clicks tongue) Well, uh, Rosa Parks didn't have your leg strength.

That's why she's famous for sitting down.

Look, honey, honey, I do. I understand.

Hey, do you think it's easy for me in the fast-paced, male-dominated field of geology?

No! Every day I face the burden of being a groundbreaker.

You know, because I literally...

Break... ground. (Sighs)

Mom, I'm stressed enough. Your puns might put me over the edge.

Wait, wait, wait ...hey, honey...

Look, you can't compare your job to football.

If you mess up, everyone's not gonna read about it in the paper.

No, no, if I mess up, environments are destroyed and people could die.

Huh? Talk about pressure?

I didn't know your job was so important... right.

From the way dad talks about it.

Oh, yeah, right, like he's got it so tough.

If he screws up, a trout gets away.

Look, honey... (huffs)

My point is, you're not alone.

Every woman has this burden of representing all women.

But you can't let that freeze you up.

You know how to kick the ball.

(Scoffs) Well, I did.

You still do.

Look, just get out of your head and do what you always do. (Sighs)

It's not the socks that are special.

It's the girl who wears them.

(Exhales sharply) You're right.

I mean, I'm still me. I've got that going for me.

Exactly.

Hey, and when it comes to kicking, you have got a leg up.

Mom, please.

Okay. (Kisses) You'll do great tonight.

Just put your best foot forward.

All right. I'm out of here. You made your point.

(Laughs) Hey!

It's you who needs to make that extra point!

Okay, I'm leaving now!

(Chuckles) Look at you.

Sitting there, making decisions, affecting hundreds of people's lives.

Oh... my man is a general.

No, no, no, not a general, no.

I'm just a guy who runs an empire... (chuckles)

So I'm really more... of an emperor.

(Laughs)

Babe. I see why your car keeps getting bird poop on it.

It's your parking space... over there under that tree.

Yeah, I like the shade.

It just doesn't seem right that the emperor gets pooped on.

Trade spaces with Mike. That should be Mike's poop.

The parking spaces are fine, baby.

I want to make sure that you're getting the respect that you're due.

I'm getting respect from everybody but one incontinent pigeon.

(Laughs)

They know I'm the boss.

I don't have to throw my weight around.

As if that lean physique of yours has any weight to spare.

Yeah, I came down pretty hard on Mike yesterday.

Really?

Yeah.

What happened?

I got aggravated and I canceled his Columbus day vlog.

Maybe I should apologize, huh?

Nah. I'll send him a box of steaks.

He'll know what that means.

Kyle, have you seen Mike?

Yes, sir. He's down in boating.

We're getting ready to start sh**ting his Columbus day vlog.

(Smacks lips)

(Clears throat)

Well, I guess there must be some sort of miscommunication somewhere.

Yeah! You said no vlog, and Mike heard, "do whatever the hell you want."

Seems like your car's not the only thing getting pooped on around here.

I'll straighten this thing out.

Mm, can't wait to see my emperor in action.

No, Wendi... No.

I love you, but this is between me and Mike.

This is my business, not yours.

Did you just say, "I love you"?

Yes, I did.

Be back in 30 minutes.

Okay, you all set?

Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Today we're gonna talk about Columbus day because we are having a sale.

Why do we call it Colum...

Okay, that's it. That's it, that's it, that's it.

We are pulling the plug. That's it. Come on.

You know, one day I'm gonna walk into your hospital room and say that exact same thing.

What's going on? I thought we discussed this.

I... all right...

I gave you a direct order.

Right, and I disobeyed it, okay?

Expect a box of steaks in the mail.

Let me finish the vlog. You watch it.

If you don't like it, I'm not gonna post it.

All right. I'm nothing if not fair and reasonable.

I knew a pigeon who might disagree.

Wait... wait a minute. How do I know you won't flip some switch and Google this out over the lnternet?

Because you're gonna trust me, and that's not how it works.

All right. Okay, here we go.

All right, background clear, and do it.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

This Columbus day, you can discover America, even though Columbus never actually did.

In 1492, he may have sailed the ocean blue, but the dude missed North America and found Hispaniola instead.

And I don't mean the tapas restaurant on 18th Street.

That place is a real discovery.

Why do we have a parade for Columbus, the dude who got lost?

Listen, I got lost in lkea the other day.

No parade. All I got was a bookcase for 6 bucks.

We should be celebrating Leif Erikson, the viking who landed in Nova Scotia 400 years before Columbus.

There hasn't been a viking this underappreciated since Hagar the Horrible.

I dare you to read that comic strip and not laugh.

The real discoverer of Outdoor Man is Ed Alzate, Vietnam vet, sportsman, and small business entrepreneur.

Ed, come over here for a second. Come here.

Listen to this.

What? What?

This dude is our Leif Erikson, the guy who blazed a trail but hardly ever gets credit.

Without Ed, none of this would be here, and I would be a guy that just made some other store really famous and successful.

In honor of our Leif Erikson, Ed Alzate, the Columbus day sale is now "viking plunder and pillage sale," so come on down and... and bring your battle-a*, because we got lots of gear for the wife, too.

What do you say, pal? Your very own day.

That's got to make you ...hold on a second.

Brace yourselves. He's gonna smile.

I hear Eve went three for three at the game last night.

Ah, it was a great game.

She did it without her lucky socks.

Thank God I had my lucky hat on.

Yeah, well, I'm lucky I never got hooked on superstition.

You know?

Yep.

That was nice what you did today with the vlog.

I'm a really great guy. It's all there in the article.

Listen, if we got problems that we should talk about, let's not bottle 'em up from now on.

I agree, I agree.

It's always better to pull out the cork, eh?

(Chuckles) Yeah. (Laughs)

There you go.

So, anything else you, uh, you want to get off your chest, huh?

I hate those curtains.

(Exhales) Yeah, I agree.

(Laughs)

Yeah, there you go.

I feel better.

We should do this again in 25 years, huh?

(Glasses clink) 25 years.

Kinda wishful thinking on your part.