04x07 - Big sh*ts

[bunniefuu]

What's up, honey?

Ugh. Can you believe there's another Kardashian?

Look at this.

It's like cars... they come out with a new model every year.

I bet she's got that new Kardashian smell.

Honey, I hate how, as women, we're either objects of desire or domestic servants.

I don't think that's true. Anyway, when's dinner, toots?

Lucky me. I'm both.

Hey. Must be dinner. Look who showed up.

Ha ha.

Ha ha. No, we just came to get Boyd.

Hold on.

What are you having? (Chuckles)

Hey, thanks for picking up Boyd from school, mom.

Yeah. He's upstairs napping.

Honey, I think he's coming down with something.

What do you mean he's coming down with something?

What's he doing in the house?

Oh, what's the matter, Mike? You afraid of a little boy?

This from the guy that took one look at him and left for three years?

I don't think... aah, aah, aah.

(Weakly) Mommy, I don't feel so good.

Ohh, you have spots and a fever.

Uh-oh. Come here. Come here. Stop scratching.

No, no, this is looking like chicken pox.

(Chuckling) Great.

I've already had 'em.

So have I, and the girls have all had their vaccinations.

Uh, well, I've never had them, and I've never been vaccinated.

Uh, o-okay, I'm gonna get Boyd back to bed.

You need to get out of here.

She's right. Chicken pox are much worse for adults.

So go. Go, go, go.

Don't you want to lick your kid goodbye?

Hey, babe, I'm just gonna wait outside, okay?

Okay. It's gonna be terrible in here without you.

(Door closes) No, it's not. It's gonna...

What's the deal with Boyd? He's all, like, broken out.

Chicken pox.

Thank God.

For a second, I thought he had acne.

I cannot afford to catch that.

I don't think acne is contagious, honey.

Well, I don't know.

Nobody went near the kids who had it in high school.

They were all treated like leopards.

You mean lepers?

The "d" is silent?

Oh, I never knew that. (Giggles)

Hey, uh, so, since Ryan is susceptible, it might be better if Boyd and I stayed here for the next few nights.

No, Kris, just bring him home, all right?

I'll stay away from him.

No, you'll catch it, okay?

Our apartment will be like a petri dish.

Petri dish has more square footage than your apartment.

Honey, I keep wondering how Boyd caught this.

Right.

I mean, he's had all his vaccinations, right?

That vaccine is not 100% effective.

Well, that's true.

Well, maybe it's not chicken pox.

Maybe it's some weird armadillo pox he got from one of those undocumenteds at his school.

More likely he got it because some selfish parent figured, "all the other kids have got their sh*ts, so why bother?"

Or a thoughtful, well-informed parent who knows that vaccines could actually make her child sicker than the disease.

That's right.

I made the choice not to vaccinate Boyd.

You what?!

You did what?!

No, seriously, speak up.

I can't hear anything through the glass.

Wait a minute, Kris.

You told me that you got that boy vaccinated a long time ago.

Well, I lied, okay?

I took him to get ice cream instead.

So you're thumbing your nose at diabetes, too?

Good. Great parenting.

Then it's not just varicella.

He didn't get his DTAP, Hep B, HIB, MMR, PCV.

Honey, this is bad.

It could lead to a serious outbreak of abbreviations.

Look, you got to vaccinate this kid.

No. Okay? I did my research.

There can be dangerous side effects.

What about the side effect of a sick kid upstairs?

You don't vaccinate him, he could end up with mumps, tetanus, or German measles, and you can't mess with German measles.

I...

Literally, it starts with an itch.

Next day, you lose Poland.

Kris, the side effects from these vaccines are extremely rare.

Sure, according to the A.M.A., but they're in the pockets of big pharma.

Where do you get your science, on the bulletin board at the yoga studio?

Oh. Dad.

No, but these diseases, they're making a big comeback... Exactly. Exactly.

...thanks to this groovy, new trend of not getting sh*ts.

Listen, there is more whooping cough in Beverly Hills than in South Sudan.

Hey. Back off, okay?

She's Boyd's mom, and I support her.

Thank you.

Yeah, assuming that you're still talking about vaccinations, 'cause I'm pretty much just lipreading at this point.

This is just liberal hypocrisy.

When it's about climate change, science good.

About medicine, science bad.

All right.

Okay, you know what? I'm done, okay?

I'm just gonna take Boyd home and care for him there.

All right, no, no. Look, look, look.

You and Boyd stay here, and we'll call a truce to this discussion for now, okay?

(Sighs)

Thank you. I'm gonna see how he's doing.

Geez.

I can't understand how educated people like our daughter can turn their backs on science.

Even a big liberal like FDR would have stood up for the polio vaccine... (Groans)

...you know, if he could have stood up.

(Metal clanging)

(Chitters)

Nice sh**t', partner.

I agree with the old prospector on that one.

He says it a lot, but I can tell he really meant it that time.

I've been playing every day for a whole week, and I still can't b*at that high score.

Who the hell is "best sh*t in the we" anyway?

That's me. I ran out of spaces.

It's supposed to read "best sh*t in the Western United States."

Who knew you were so good?

Yeah.

Hey. How's the best sh*t in the Western United States?

Great. (Giggles)

Well, we should go, okay? Mwah!

It's the perfect time to hit the mall...

After all the elderly power walkers and before the gangs of eighth-grade girls.

Hey. Not so fast.

I'm calling you out, cowboy.

This store ain't big enough for the both of us.

Actually, fire code allows for 1,200 people.

Come on. g*n up, goldilocks.

But you're a little girl.

b*ating you would just be mean.

A little girl?

Yeah, it's a good thing this r*fle is chained down, or else you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed w*apon.

I don't understand.

She's gonna put it up your butt, Kyle.

Hurry up and b*at her so we can go, okay? All right.

I guess, as top g*n, I'm obliged to take on all challengers.

Hmm.

You're about to become the "second-best sh*t in the we."

(Chuckles) That's too many letters. It's never gonna fit.

Howdy, partners. Ready, aim, let 'em have it.

(Bluegrass music plays)

(Metal clanging)

(Beeping)

(Chitters)

(Growls)

(Smoke hissing)

(Quacking)

Nice sh**t', partner.

(Ringing)

(Sighs)

(Beeping)

Oh! I did it! I b*at you!

Wait. What? You won? She won?

Yeah, I guess I didn't have it today.

Hey, nice job, Eve.

Yeah, duh! This is going on lnstagram.

Later, losers.

Wait a minute.

But nobody's ever beaten you before.

Nope. Just your little sister.

All right, just some little girl...

Who you didn't want to be mean to...

'Cause you're a nice guy, and you've got great hair... which probably isn't a part of this.

Wait a second. You just let her win!

Just... just don't tell her, okay?

Winning's so important to Eve.

I knew nobody could b*at my boyfriend.

All right. Let's go.

I want to be the "best shopper in the ma."

Oh, hey, stranger.

Hey. What is going on here?

I'm at my folks for five days, and you redecorate?

Mm-hmm. What?

I'm doing the whole apartment.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I tried to paint a superhero mural in Boyd's room to surprise him.

But my Batman came out really r*cist.

Honey, I'm sure it's not so... oh, my God!

Yeah. I'm gonna paint over that. Don't worry.

Yeah, please do before our building manager sees that.

Or Boyd's friend Desean.

Hey, so, when can Boyd come home?

He's better.

I am exhausted, but at least he'll never get chicken pox again, and we did it without exposing him to the risk of a vaccine.

Yeah, we were lucky...

Which is great when we're in Vegas.

But, um, I don't think we want to roll the dice with meningitis.

Okay.

What, so you're suddenly pro-vaccine?

But last week, you agreed with me in front of my parents.

Yeah, I know. I know.

But when you guys were gone, I had time to do some reading, and... oh, first of all, I finally finished "the goldfinch."

So good.

But (Sighs) I also read up on childhood inoculations, and it says there's some risk for babies, but Boyd can get his sh*ts now so...

But I'm not comfortable with that.

Even after you watched him suffer all week?

I mean, that could have totally been avoided.

You're blaming me for his suffering?

No. Of course not. I'm not pointing any fingers.

We're just trying to fix your mistake.

Well... It was not a mistake, okay?

You had skipped town when I had to make these decisions.

You don't get to second-guess me now.

I'm gonna go pack up some clothes for Boyd and go.

All right, I'll come with you. I want to see him.

You know, I think you need to give it a couple more days.

It might be dangerous for you right now.

But you just said Boyd's not contagious.

It's not Boyd you have to worry about.

Hi, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a message for those of you who are waging a w*r against vaccinations.

You're gonna lose that w*r.

You see, vaccinations actually won the revolutionary w*r.

See, at that time, there was a big outbreak of smallpox, not to be confused with the "great pox," which is what they called, uh, syphilis.

That led to the popular 18th-century pickup line, "come on, baby, it's only smallpox."

Anyhoo, British soldiers had a natural immunity to smallpox, so in an early version of biological warfare, they would intentionally spread the disease to our colonists by sneezing in public or borrowing our chapstick.

But we had our own secret w*apon...

George Washington.

He would inoculate the troops using a technique called "variolation."

If you're eating right now, I suggest you put down that fork, because variolation is where you poke one of your buddy's infected blisters and insert the goo under your own healthy skin.

This led to the popular 18th-century expression, "this century is gross."

But it worked.

The smallpox rates plummeted. We won the w*r.

So, you see, if it wasn't for vaccinations, we would have lost the w*r, we'd all be British, football would be soccer, we'd be eating bangers, mash, and spotted d*ck would be a dessert.

(Chuckling) Hey.

Oh. Shh.

Hey. How you doing? Want a snack?

Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty hungry.

It's mine.

You know where we keep the peanut butter.

(Chuckles) Here you go.

Looks like you're feeling better, huh?

I am.

Mommy had a rough night, though.

That's one of the problems about being a parent.

You made a wise choice by not having any kids.

So, what are we doing?

Puzzle of America.

Where does New York go?

After 60, it goes to Florida.

Very blue state. Very, very blue.

Excuse me. What happened to Colorado?

Muffin chewed it up.

Well, America just wouldn't be America without Colorado, so you know what I can do is, I'll go down and fire up my little saw, and I will make you another Colorado.

You need any help?

No, no, you stay right here.

And whatever you do, do not put your mom's hand in a bowl of warm water.

Hey. Hi. How was school?

Well, I schooled your boyfriend last week at the sh**ting gallery.

Wow. Couldn't even say hi first.

Check it out... top of the leader board.

(Chuckles) 150 likes.

And one of them is Kyle.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 'Cause he's a really nice guy.

You know what they say about nice guys.

They're losers.

You know who says that? Mean guys like you.

Dad, Mandy just called me mean.

Eve called Kyle a loser.

Ooh. Sounds like you're both onto something.

But you got to excuse me. The dog ate Colorado.

So, what were we talking about?

Oh, right.

How badly I kicked Kyle's ass.

Okay. I have had enough. Okay, fyi...

Kyle let you win because he felt sorry for you.

(Scoffs) Nice try.

Oh, right!

'Cause it's so not like Kyle to protect the feelings of another person.

He pitied you. He gave you pity victory.

I want a rematch. Where is he?

Mm. I don't know.

Probably somewhere losing a seeing contest to Helen Keller.

Or a hearing contest to Helen Keller.

She was also deaf.

And like you, she was also dumb.

Dad! Eve's being mean to Helen Keller!

Hey, Mike. You want to let me in?

Got a sick kid in here. I can't let you in.

Come back next summer.

Mike, Kris already told me he's not contagious anymore, so...

Well, if you two hippies had given him a vaccination, we wouldn't be having this conversation now, would we?

Yes, I agree with you.

Ooh.

Please don't make me say it again.

I'm still tasting it from the first time.

Look, I think Boyd needs to get his sh*ts.

Well, where was your spine when we were trying to talk Kristin into this?

She is going to be my wife, okay?

Uh-oh. Now I got that taste in my mouth.

You and Vanessa were ganging up on her.

I had to have her back.

But now I think we should try talking to her.

The time to talk to her was when she was facing a sick kid.

Now we'll just have to wait till Boyd gets another disease from the '50s.

I don't want to risk that, okay?

Well, as grandparents, we've said our piece.

Now the kid's health is in the hands of his two mommies.

(Saw whirring)

Hey. Here, buddy. Grab a seat.

Uh, I called earlier about getting Boyd Baxter some inoculations.

You said Dr. Fry could squeeze us in.

We do the inoculations in stages.

We'll start with the MMR and DTAP.

Just sign these release forms.

(Sighs)

Wow. That's a lot of possible side effects.

"Paralysis, brain damage, death"?

Death is a side effect?

Grandpa!

(Chuckling) Hey.

Hey, Mike.

(Door closes) What are you doing here?

I come here all the time.

This is where I get my copy of highlights.

There it is. Let's see what Gallant's doing.

We know what goofus is up to.

Can I listen to my music?

Uh, yeah.

Just, um, don't sing along to the rap, okay?

Some people are afraid of words.

So, this is your plan? An end run around Kristin?

Well, you said it's up to his parents, Mike, and I'm his parent.

Well, this is a pretty big swing.

Didn't think you had the beanbags for anything like this.

But the truth is, this is not gonna be good for your relationship.

Well, I'm sure that'll make you happy.

Ordinarily, I'd say yes.

But the other day, when, uh, my wife and I were ganging up on our daughter, your first reaction, even from outside the house, was to protect her, to have her back.

I liked that.

Thank you.

But don't you feel like right now, you're stabbing her in the back?

(Sighs)

Mike, you agree with me that he needs to get his sh*ts.

Yeah, I agree, but I'm not marrying you.

Ohh. There's that taste again.

I'm right about this.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

It's about the only feeling I've ever had.

But in a relationship, you got to work things out together.

You got to be able to say stuff like, "let's find a compromise between the right thing to do and your way, Vanessa."

Dr. Fry is ready.

(Sighs)

Yeah, but go ahead with your big plan.

Maybe the next guy she goes out with will be someone I like, like a Navy SEAL that makes his own beef jerky.

Sir. Sir, you can't take the highlights.

Oh, yeah.

What are you looking at?

Hey. You. Me. Rematch. Now.

I'm with a customer.

The men's room is to the left.

Okay. I'm free.

I demand a rematch.

Yeah, and this time, don't let her win.

(Sighs) I didn't let her win.

Kyle, she knows.

Yeah, come on. Chop-chop. Let's go.

I don't want your pity, okay?

I'm not a charity case, and I don't need your government cheese.

It wasn't charity, okay? You b*at me.

She really did.

No, she didn't.

She really b*at you?

Ha! So I am the winner!

How do you like that free cheese?

I love cheese.

And I did not know you could get it for free.

That would have come in handy when I was living in the store.

Why did you lie to me?

I guess I liked that you were proud of me, and I didn't want you thinking of me as a loser.

I've never thought of you as a loser.

How about when he was living in the store?

I-I got caught up in not wanting you to think less of me.

Kyle... I couldn't possibly think less of you.

You think that I love you because you're good at some game?

I'm not shallow like that.

I love you because you're hot.

And because you're so good to me.

Honestly, I don't care if you win or you lose, okay?

So long as Eve loses.

Just please make that happen.

Okay, hombre, we gonna do this or not?

Let's dance.

That's a good idea.

Dancing's an excellent warm-up before sh**ting.

Now you think less of him?

Are you kidding me?

This guy is the "best dancer in the we."

(Chuckles)

I just woke up to an e-mail from Dr. Fry about aftercare for vaccinations.

Where the hell is my son?

Honey, I just walked in. I...

So you had nothing to do with this?

I mean, obviously, somebody took Boyd to get his sh*ts against my will.

Well, honey, it wasn't me.

And... and your dad is in the garage making something out of wood.

Oh, God. I hope it's not my Christmas present.

Mommy!

Hey, there you are! Hey.

Where have you been?

We went to the doctor, then had ice cream.

Hmm. Yeah, I can tell what flavor.

Why don't we go wash your face?

Honey, how come you have ice cream in your hair?

That's from yesterday.

I cannot believe that you went and did this behind my back.

It is not what you think, Kris.

What? Don't lie to me, okay?

I got an e-mail from Dr. Fry.

Okay, yes, I went to take Boyd to get his sh*ts, but then I realized it was wrong to try to do an end run like that on you...

Which, I guess, is a football term.

Your dad told me about it.

So my dad put you up to this?

He actually talked me out of it.

What?

Look, I was already having second thoughts after reading all those side effects and...

I can't imagine what that must have been like for you to make that decision on your own.

It was terrifying.

I was 17 years old and suddenly in charge of this tiny human being.

I know.

But you are no longer alone, okay?

A-and from here on out, we get to screw this kid up together.

First one's a practice one, anyway, right?

Oh, God, I hope so. (Chuckles)

Wait, no, I-if Boyd didn't get his sh*ts, then why did I get an e-mail from the doctor?

Uh... Bam!

With chicken pox going around, I figured it was probably time.

Oh.

Did it hurt?

Oh, my God. So much.

Yeah?

Ow!

(Giggles)

But Dr. Fry said I was very brave.

Oh, yeah?

He even gave me a lollipop. Boyd was jealous, so...

You know, you could have given that to him.

Hey, who got the sh*t?

Hey, dad.

Hey.

Got a minute?

Yep. I'm just, uh, fixing Colorado.

Wasn't the original piece blue?

Like I said, I'm fixing Colorado.

We're about to take Boyd home.

I just wanted to thank you for letting us stay here.

This is your home. What am I supposed to say?

"Why don't you stay at that Ramada lnn near your house that's clean and reasonably priced"?

(Chuckles)

And thank you for the advice you gave Ryan.

It mattered to you that he not screw up our relationship.

That guy's got a big mouth, Kris.

It means a lot to me.

Kris, I just want you happy, okay?

Thanks.

But if you happen to meet a Navy SEAL that can make his own beef jerky, keep an open mind.