04x11 - Wedding Planning

[bunniefuu]

You know, I am all for technology, but it is still weird that Boyd is e-mailing his Christmas list to Santa.

What's weirder is that Santa's still using AOL.

Uh, nope. He is an old white guy.

We got a tree!

You got a tree! Wow!

Mike, you know I don't believe in Christmas trees.

And yet... Here it is.

I'm gonna go make some decorations.

Good idea.

It's kind of a small tree, but it just makes the presents you put under it look bigger.

It's a trick your mom and I used during the lean years.

Oh, it is very thoughtful, okay?

We... we were doing without to save money.

Well, we do have a wedding to save up for.

Ah, yes, the wedding.

Well, your mom and I wanted to help, uh, just a little bit with that.

$20,000?

(Laughs) Mike, thank you so much.

I'm... Speechless.

Wow, 20 grand well spent.

(Laughs)

Just one little condition.

Oh, of course there's one condition.

What happened to "speechless"?

Your mom and I really would like you to have the wedding at St. Mark's.

Yeah, we actually had a different venue in mind.

Yeah, um, our plan is to get married in Estes Park, under a tree in the forest.

No, no. I think a moose already has that venue booked.

We found a native American officiant who specializes in multicultural ceremonies.

There's gonna be chanting and drums and didgeridoos.

Doesn't sound like 20 grand, though.

Sounds like... about 8 bucks and the longest afternoon of my life.

So, let me get this straight.

You're trying to bribe us with a check to do a church wedding?

Is that what Jesus would do?

Jesus didn't have a checking account.

But he wasn't against handing out loaves and fish to get asses in the seats.

Dad, this is a very generous offer, but it's our wedding.

We really want to do this our way.

Mike, as an atheist, taking part in a church wedding just for the money would make me a hypocrite, so...

A hypocrite with an open bar.

Uh, thanks anyway.

Ooh.

Well, you kids enjoy the tree.

You really want to save money, maybe you could have a double wedding...

With the moose.

(Knock on door) Yeah.

Hey, Mr. Alzate? Hmm?

Do you and your buddies still play poker here Saturday nights?

Shut the door.

Are you now, or have you ever been, an informant for the internal revenue service?

No.

Yes, we still play poker.

Good. I want to play this Saturday.

All right, well, Mike has his family-tree-trimming party, so I guess a... a numbskull beats an empty chair.

"A numbskull beats an empty chair."

I love learning all these gambling terms.

You've never played poker, have you, son?

No, which leads to my next question.

Um... how do you play poker?

(Chuckles)

I don't have time to teach you, son.

All right. I understand.

I'll just drive up to that casino in black hawk.

Their billboards say, "beginners welcome."

(Whistles) Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

D-d... just a second, there.

All right, you come here Saturday before my game.

We'll play a few hands, all right?

All right, if you pick it up quick, maybe I'll let you sit in with the guys.

That is awesome. Thank you.

6:00, all right? And... Bring your poker face.

My what?

That'll work.

Okay, remember, this is a non-tinsel year.

Ha ha, nice try.

Last year was the non-tinsel year.

I remember because there was no tinsel on the tree.

Tinsel makes a Christmas tree look like a streetwalker.

Like it's saying, "that was pretty fun, Santa.

Leave the money on the dresser."

Hey, hey.

Hey. How was school?

I got invited to a sorority party.

(Chuckles) Kind of.

Since I'm legal, they asked if I would buy them beer.

And you thought you wouldn't make any friends in college.

They even gave me a nickname...

"Ma'am."

Making us steaks?

Yeah, I splurged. I saved us a lot of money today.

The kids didn't want that check.

They turned down the $20,000?

Yeah.

Ryan doesn't want to have a church wedding.

You know what they say ...when God closes a door, he opens a window and throws in steaks.

Of course Ryan doesn't want it in a church.

I mean, this is a guy who crosses out "in God we trust" on his dollar bills.

I thought you wanted a church wedding.

I'd love it if they had it at St. Mark's, but I gave up on that dream a long time ago.

I would just be happy if they would have a big party afterwards with family and friends.

Hey. So we just give them the money and let Ryan win this epic battle with God?

If we're choosing up sides in that one, I'm on team God.

I'm on team money.

Oh, yeah, what money?

Your dad and I have a little fund for each of you to use for your weddings.

Mmm. How much? How much?

Or "thank you."

Thank you!

How much?

$20,000 each.

Wow.

I know. I was hoping for more, too.

You went from not knowing to wanting more in record time.

Well, if you think about it, she will need to split it between three or four failed marriages.

(Chuckles) Ohh. A-aw.

Let's not make fun of your sister's failed marriages until they happen.

And then we'll do it as a family.

So, to review again, straight flush beats four of a kind.

Four of a kind beats a full house, all right?

Uh... Yes, what?

Now that I'm a gambler, can I have a nickname?

Okay, fine.

How about, um... how about "scooter"?

No, I have a friend named scooter.

Before she bought her scooter, her nickname was "Sandy."

Because she really likes the beach.

And because her name is Sandy.

All right, then your nickname will be "bubbles."

Bubbles. Mm-hmm.

I love it.

Good. All right, before every hand, we ante.

Do you know what that means, Kyle?

"Bubbles."

Do you know what it means?

Yes, that's where we put our money in the center of the table.

Right, right.

Ugh.

All right, what is it, Kyle... bubbles?

What's your nickname?

Forget nicknames, will you?

Which is better, all right...

Three of a kind or two pair?

I'm not sure, but I know that a numbskull beats an empty chair.

I'm starting to doubt that.

You know, of all the wonderful family ornaments that have broken over the years, how did your stupid "have a Duran Duran Christmas" survive?

I think somebody's just mad his Bachman-Turner Overdrive ornament broke.

It's not Christmas without "bto-ho-ho."

Hello!

Honey, remember, whatever they want to do about the wedding is fine.

I am happy to do it in the woods.

Well, I'll hold you to that next time we go camping.

I'm gonna go play. Okay.

Hey, why don't you go play with this?

What does "Duran Duran" mean?

Not a lot in 2014.

Guys, uh, thanks for coming over.

Oh, of course. We're not gonna miss the tree-trimming dinner.

Yeah, in fact, I'll even say grace.

All right. For 200 bucks.

'Cause that's how your Christianity works, right, Mike?

You'll learn how Christianity works at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter's gonna be standing there...

"Vogelson? Vogelson?

I don't seem to have a reservation."

Hey, guys. Hi. Hey, mom.

So, dinner's almost ready...

Pork roast and a tofu casserole for you.

Free-range tofu, humanely k*lled.

But first things first.

Here. It's your wedding.

Your dad and I talked, and we agree...

You can have it wherever you want.

Really? Mandy: Whoa.

That's what a $20,000 check looks like?

I thought it would be bigger.

That's from all of us, by the way.

Uh, thank you, guys. That's incredibly generous.

Yeah, well, it's gonna pay for a big reception afterwards, with all our family and friends.

It's gonna be one raging par-tay!

Don't worry, girls.

She doesn't have to sit at our table.

Yeah, it's just...

What?

Uh, well, after Mike left the other day, we started talking about what we would have done if we'd gotten the money.

We're now picturing a smaller wedding...

Just immediate family...

And we would use this money to pay off some of our debt.

Whoa, how does somebody get $20,000 in debt?

I told you buying organic was a racket.

No, this debt is from a while ago, from when Ryan was... away.

Yeah, it's, uh, my student-loan debt.

(Gasps)

Oh. Oh, right, right, of course, right, from when you were in college and Kristin couldn't go to college because she was raising your baby.

Well, Vanessa, that's actually not fair, 'cause we were raising the baby.

Mom, all of that is in the past.

You know what?

That money is for your wedding party, not the four-year party that he had when he was at college.

You might want to pick carefully through that tofu casserole.

(Loud chopping)

Need any help out here?

Want me to throw some plates against the wall, or maybe punch that pork roast a couple times?

Do not tell me I overreacted.

Okay.

I have tried very hard, for years, to defend Ryan, but this... I mean, this is... is outrageous.

Absolutely.

All right, what? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I-I know you didn't come in here just to agree with me.

No, I didn't, but I saw the Kn*fe, and...

You think what I said about Ryan is wrong?

No, no. I've been saying that for years.

My only complaint is you stole my act.

(Sighs)

Mike, I don't think we should give him the check.

Me neither.

I think we should give them the check.

So, if Kristin can use her wedding money to pay off Ryan's debt, I can use mine for whatever I want.

You still got to get married.

I can do that for 50 bucks in a courthouse and pocket the rest.

Minus whatever you got to pay some loser to marry you, and that's not gonna be cheap.

(Laughs)

I'll tell you something...

I'm not gonna marry a guy with a bunch of debt.

Eve, you can't choose who you fall in love with.

That just kind of happens, you know?

And then there's a misunderstanding where you think that he's cheating on you but really he's reading to the blind, and then you chase him through an airport, and then you live happily ever after.

Yeah, well, except you can't run through airports anymore.

The t*rrorists have made it harder to fall in love.

Maybe it's a good thing that Ryan ran off.

No it's "bad." "Good" is the other one.

I'm serious.

Whatever happened over those years turned Ryan from a guy who was running away to a guy who wanted to be with his family, so, I don't know... maybe that time away and $20,000 was actually money well spent.

Wow, that was pretty deep.

Have you spent your entire life saving your brains for that one thought?

It's not enough that Ryan took away her college and her future.

Now he wants to take away her big day.

It's her decision, and do you really think Ryan can talk our daughter into anything?

Well, he did on prom night 2006.

I hate to say this, but I'm sure Kristin was calling the sh*ts then, too.

Those poor, poor potatoes.

Honey, let's just let this...

We... We...

We've got to figure out how to forgive this boy.

Who are you? (Sighs)

Look, I'm the one who has defended Ryan for years, and you are the one who argues with him every time you see him.

I like to argue with him.

I win all those arguments.

But arguing with him has taught me a lot about who he is as a man, and I've... and I've learned to...

Respect him.

Now that those words have come out of my mouth, why don't you just s*ab me?

This is really, really hard for me, Mike.

They're getting married, which means he's going to be our son.

And if he was our son, we would pay off that debt.

He's like the prodigal son in the Bible...

If that son was an annoying liberal who needed to be forgiven.

(Laughing) Hey, I think I just figured out what that story's really about.

Hey, guys, we've got some good news.

First, we are making potato soup in the kitchen, and your mom has something to say.

Well, your dad convinced me that it makes sense to pay off Ryan's debts.

So we don't have to have a big party?

Well, a... a big party is...

Is not the thing that's gonna make this a real marriage.

Thank you, mom.

Hey, I'm the one that convinced her.

However...

"However"?

What will make it a real marriage is doing it in a church, with all our family and friends, so... No church, no check.

Hey, I hope you didn't put a deposit on that forest.

So, now we have to get married in a church?

We're back to that?

Unknown. My wife has gone rogue.

And for that reason, I'm out.

I, uh... I think I may know what's going on.

Hey, dad, I got a question about our free money.

So... If these guys don't use their share, can I have it?

And if that question makes you mad, can I have Mandy's share?

How about this?

Nobody gets any money, and maybe dad gets a new boat.

Mom.

Hey. Can we talk?

You know, honey, every since you were a little girl, you have wanted a big church wedding.

Yeah, that's when I was gonna marry Johnny Depp.

Hey, you get me Depp, I'll do it at the Vatican.

Well, it's just that all of our friends' kids are having these big, beautiful weddings, and... and you're talking about nine people in the woods.

See, that's what I think this is really about for you, like having a big public ceremony will fix everything.

"Everything"? What...

All of the looks we got in the supermarket when I was a pregnant high-school senior, all the whispers.

I think that you want this... this big wedding to wash away all the shame for what I did.

God, Kristin, no.

No, no, no. No.

Honey, I never, ever felt ashamed of you.

I was so proud of the way you handled yourself back then.

You were?

Yes.

Honey, if there's any shame in this situation it's... It's mine.

I mean, I was the parent.

I was the one who should have been more aware.

I sh... I should have done something.

Mom, stop. No.

You and dad were always there for me.

And... and now Ryan is, too.

N-nobody should feel guilt or shame in this family.

(Chuckles)

How did you turn into such an amazing, amazing woman with such a lunatic for a mom?

You are not a lunatic.

Ugh, wait till you drink the mashed potatoes.

Come here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You know, maybe Kristin and I should just fly to Vegas and get married there, huh?

Yeah, nothing says commitment like a town full of carrot top billboards.

Eh! Unh-unh-unh!

Look, Mike, I just don't understand making a public spectacle out of something that's supposed to be personal.

I-it's ridiculous.

I mean, t-the big church ceremony, and all the people watching, and toasts.

The didgeridoo.

No, that is different. I picked that.

Do you even know what a didgeridoo is, or just hear it on NPR during an aromatherapy session?

It's a musical instrument used by the aborigines in Australia, okay?

I just wanted something non-traditional.

That instrument is like 1,500 years old.

You can't get more traditional than that.

You seem to be comfortable with every other ceremony except from the tribe that you're joining.

Oh, so now the Baxter family is a tribe?

That's what it says on my new casino application.

The wedding isn't just about the two people getting married, kid.

It's about the community that they're joining.

The family.

This family...

You know, the people you keep pissing off.

Hit me.

Okay. (Clears throat)

Again, this is not Blackjack.

If you say that one more time, I will.

Bubbles apologizes. All right.

Aces bet 25.

Okay.

I...See that... and I raise you.

I've got two aces showing.

You've got squat. Why would you raise?

Because I'm bluffing!

(Clears throat)

You know...

I have to be honest with you.

I don't think you're cut out for gambling.

Yeah. Yeah.

I appear to be awful.

I just really needed some extra cash for Christmas.

You should buy less expensive gifts for Christmas.

Oh, no, I-I already bought all my gifts.

And I'm not gonna tell you what I got you, but here's a hint.

Glug, glug.

(Snorts)

So what do you need the extra cash for?

My church is having a Christmas party at our homeless shelter.

There's a lot of kids there.

I just wanted it to be really great.

Wait a minute.

You've got a deuce, you got a five, you got a seven, you got a Jack.

All right.

Uh, one more card, a-and you get a-a glenlivet straight.

All right, let's see, uh... You have three in the hole?

Hmm? I do not.

How about a queen? No.

Eight? A four?

Oh! I've got a four. Is that good?

Not for me!

You got a glenlivet straight and you win, and I have to pony up an extra c-note here, or... or two, and, uh, damn you, bubbles, damn you.

(Laughing) Yes!

You know, I think this is a Christmas miracle.

You know why?

'Cause this glenlivet thing that I won with is the same name as the scotch I bought you for Christmas!

Oh. Is it?

(Sighs)

I just ruined your gift.

No.

Actually, you didn't, no.

Merry Christmas, bubbles.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, everybody. I want to say something.

Oh, boy.

Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

So, mom and I talked, and she has removed all of the conditions for the wedding.

Mm-hmm, yep, you can do it in the forest, and we will have a small reception here at the house.

We can nibble on cheese cubes and check each other for ticks.

Mom, dad, Mandy and I have also been talking, and if you guys need some extra money so Kristin and Ryan can afford a reception, you can have some of ours.

That is very sweet, but it's not necessary.

See, told you they wouldn't take it and we would still get credit for offering.

Well, not now.

Actually, I have one condition.

I think that we should get married at St. Mark's.

That is the family's church, and after all, I'm going to be part of the family.

Yeah, but not by blood.

You don't get any of the casino money.

Uh, Ryan, are you sure?

Yeah. I'm sure.

I... Family hug.

I'm just gonna be a spotter in case somebody falls.

Aw. Ah.

Grandpa, light up the tree!

All right. Hey, watch this, huh?

(Two claps)

Oh!

Huh, Mike, it looks like there's something missing.

Tinsel.

No. 20 grand.

I'm hungry. Let's eat.

I feel like drinking some potatoes.

♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ 'Round yon virgin mother and child ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪