04x13 - Mike Hires Chuck

[bunniefuu]

Isn't this great...

Four of us girls all studying together?

Yeah, it's especially great how you keep interrupting to point that out.

Well, I can't look at these teacher-training manuals one more minute.

I have an idea... coffee run!

Mom, it's after 9:00. We'd be up all night.

Well, who's up for some fro-yo, then?

We have some in the freezer.

Okay, fine. You know what?

You guys, you're the lamest roommates ever.

I really hope my college experience isn't this sad.

Me too.

Uh, this is your college experience.

Okay. Now I'm sad.

(Indistinct conversation)

(Both Chuckle) Hey!

Hey, guys.

Hi!

How was the chamber of commerce dinner, Mr. Philanthropist of the year?

(Clears throat)

It was humbling and... long overdue.

I actually teared up during the acceptance speech.

I do that when I'm yawning.

Well, Ed, you really deserve this honor.

You have done so much for Denver.

Oh, come on. You know, the Ed Alzate trauma center...

Well... It's true... The Ed Alzate scholarship, the Ed Alzate park.

Kids get hurt at the park, they go right to the trauma center.

Well, it's called "synergy."

If there's one thing I've learned in life... if you want to be recognized for something, Just slap your name on it.

But doesn't taking credit for good deeds make them...

Less good?

Says who?

Oh... Maimonides, the medieval philosopher.

Dad, time to break out that yawn again.

According to Maimonides, the highest form of charity is giving without taking any credit.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the memory of hundreds of people applauding me.

On the other hand, when people see you give, it encourages others to be generous.

That's why God invented the collection plate.

You know, Mike, this could be good publicity for the store.

Well, we could take a picture of you in the medal and put it in the newspaper.

All right, well, last year, when Pete Cutler won the award, his company put up a 30-foot billboard.

Pete Cutler owns a billboard company.

Oh, forget it. Then I'll... I'll just, uh, tack up a flyer in the break room, and I'll spring for the tack.

Boss, if you want a billboard, I'll get you a billboard.

Okay. Good. (Chuckles) Good.

You know, I just happened to be doodling some billboard designs here while... while the children's choir was droning on, hey.

"Ed Alzate... 40 years of service to Denver."

That's all right. Whose picture's that?

That's me.

Oh. You are a philanthropist.

Very generous with the hair.

(Engine shuts off)

(Birds chirping)

Hey, Kyle, when did this happen?

According to the billboard, it's been going on for 40 years.

I guess that's one way to give back to the community.

Did you see it?

Yeah.

You're really cleaning up this award season.

You got that service award.

Now you get a medal for spreading STD's.

Yes, yes, funny... very funny.

I want whoever did this drawn and quartered...

No, make it eighths.

I want to give him something to think about.

Ed, Ed. Calm down. You know what doctors say.

Stress will bring on another outbreak.

I'm an award-winning philanthropist.

I thought people liked me.

If people didn't like you, you wouldn't have caught so many diseases.

Don't take it personally.

It's just some punks having fun.

I'm gonna fire the whole security staff.

Our security staff does a great job.

What we need is a little help outside at night.

We need someone to defend the perimeter, I guess... a criminal mastermind.

Yeah, or a 13-year-old with a spray can and a very flexible curfew.

Thanks for letting me shadow your class, Carol.

I just feel like I'm one step closer to...

(Funky accent) ...Gettin' my teach on.

(Both Chuckle)

Well, there's still some things you have to learn...

(Normal voice) Like never using that expression again.

I guess I should also stop calling myself your "white shadow."

That I don't mind.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. Larabee.

Hey, honey.

Hello, Mandy.

You know what?

I would love to compliment you on that outfit, but I'm gonna wait till after you leave, 'cause that way it'll mean more.

Philosophy.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to see something rare and weird.

Like a unicorn... doing dishes.

Or maybe I'm just going out of my way to do something nice without taking credit.

Sounds like somebody's tooting their own horn right now.

It must be Kyle. I got to run.

(Chuckling) Wow.

Evie, someone did something very thoughtful in here.

And I'd love to take credit, but as we know, doing good without credit is its own reward.

(Inhales deeply)

That said, if some nachos found the way to my room, I wouldn't complain.

(Door opens)

Hey, honey.

Hey. You know what?

Our girls are turning into some very fine young women.

Yeah. It's all me.

You know that billboard we put up for Ed?

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody sprayed graffiti all over it.

It's suggesting Ed is riddled with STD's.

(Gasps) Oh, my God. (Laughs)

He's been fielding calls from ex-girlfriends all day.

Those must be uncomfortable.

Nah, just the one that called to apologize.

We're gonna get a new billboard, and I'm gonna beef up security, so I'm thinking of asking Chuck Larabee if he wants the job.

Uh, well... wait, wait, wait. No, honey.

Um... The... Carol's out there.

Well, tell her the good news.

She'll be spending a lot less time with her husband.

Yeah, but if you hire him at work, that puts you in the awkward position of being Chuck's boss.

Not awkward for me.

Y-y-yeah, no.

But you'd be mixing friendship with work and just...

I-I know what you mean, but it's not like that with guys.

Really, it isn't. We separate that.

Well, you remember the scene in "The Godfather" when Tom Hagen went to Tessio... said he had to get whacked... And Tessio said, "what?"

He goes, "It's just business."

And even Tessio went, "Oh, okay. I get it."

And then he got whacked.

So if things go badly at work, you can whack Chuck, and he'll understand?

(Chuckles)

Hope it doesn't come to that, but yeah.

Honey, if there are any problems between you and Chuck, that'll cause problems between me and Carol, And (sighs) she's my special friend.

Yeah. Y-your special friend.

I think February is special-friend history month.

Isn't it?

What? Oh, stop!

Look, come on.

Can't you just hire another security company?

Seriously?

Yes!

(Doorbell rings) all right.

I guess every Barbara needs their Whoopi.

Hey, Carol.

Hey, that's Chuck.

You want me to get the door, Mike?

No, no. You're special.

(Door opens)

Come on in, Chuck.

Hey, Baxter.

Hey. Hi, Chuck.

Hey.

Hey, Carol, you... you almost ready?

Yeah. Yep.

Hey, Baxter, you know, I heard about the vandalism at your store.

How are you handling it?

Mike: It was...

It's all taken care of. Thanks for asking.

How are you for security cameras?

Chuck, we... we are really looking forward to that concert Friday night.

Yeah. Now, which one of you ladies picked James Taylor?

I did.

What?

I'm allowed to like James Taylor.

You're allowed to like a lot of things.

That doesn't mean you act on it.

No, but... but thank you for inviting us.

Yeah, we'll pay you back...

Next time George Clinton and the parliament/funkadelic roll in.

So there is a Clinton you like.

Listen, about your tagger...

I told you we took care of it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You need to nip this in the bud, or, before long, the side of your building is the ugliest thing you've ever seen.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I've seen a lot of things.

I've seen fire. I've... I've seen rain.

But I have never seen a black man at a James Taylor concert.

(Laughter)

Hey, Kyle, what's Ed up to?

Oh, he's in a meeting with a specialist about our graffiti problem.

You know, he was really happy you got that new billboard up so fast.

Didn't like people looking at him and thinking of venereal disease.

Billboard didn't start that.

Let's just hope these vandals don't get cute with the new one.

That is a great attitude, Mr. B.

Sometimes I get so mad at vandals, I forget how cute they can be.

Mike, guess who I hired to guard our parking lot.

Hey, Baxter.

Chuck Larabee.

Yeah, well, he's a friend. I knew you wouldn't mind.

So, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return some very uncomfortable phone calls.

You don't have a problem with this, do you, Mike?

No, I don't have a problem with this.

Oh, good, 'cause, you know...

(Chuckles) It's just curious.

See, I saw you last night, and we discussed the vandalism, but at no point did you mention there was a job available.

Vanessa thought it would be awkward for us to work together, since the four of us hang out.

She doesn't think that men can separate stuff.

(Scoffs) Well, see, that's because women can't let things go.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've already forgotten that you completely dissed me last night.

I've almost forgotten that you're a big fan of sweet baby James.

(Chuckles)

And besides, technically, I don't work for you.

I'm an independent contractor.

Yeah, but you work for Outdoor Man, so you technically do work for...

Ed... He's the one that hired me.

He doesn't have to check with his wife for personnel decisions.

(Both Chuckle)

Can't believe my wife thought this would be awkward.

Mm, no.

Oh, crap.

Ed: This billboard is a nightmare.

I feel like my mother's staring down at me, Mike.

Just relax. Don't get your panties all twisted up.

I assume you're wearing a matching set.

Yeah, but Chuck was supposed to be guarding that thing, so what do you have to say for your buddy now?

My "buddy"? You're the one that hired him.

Well, I'm about ready to fire him.

And would you please get my chi-chis off the side of the store?

I can get them off the side of the store, but I'll never get them out of here.

Of course.

Is Ed in?

Uh, yeah, but I'd let him calm down first.

Mr. Alzate is pretty steamed.

Yeah. I wonder why.

It's because you messed up and they painted the billboard again.

Well, look who showed up to help solve the caper... Sherlock Homey.

(Chuckling) Oh, I get it. It's because I'm black.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

The... the taggers fooled my guard last night with a decoy.

While he was chasing one guy, the other one tagged the store.

Right, right, sounds like a real "Ocean's Eleven"

Going on down there. (Sighs)

I told Ed we needed at least two guards to do this thing right, but, uh, he went with the cheaper security package.

Listen, if you couldn't do the job, you shouldn't have said yes, but you did, and now I'm in the middle of this.

Okay, fine, Baxter. I'll handle it.

Right.

Well, there's a 40-foot bald guy on the wall down there in D-cups that begs to differ.

You don't do this right, you're gonna get fired.

Oh, honey, you know what?

Please don't leave your dirty dishes everywhere.

We'll get rats, and not the cute kind that dress you for the ball.

I was going to get those.

Oh, you know what?

I have heard that before, and then someone like me or Eve has to clean up after you.

You know she cleaned the whole kitchen the other day?

Sorry, what? You did what?

Yeah. Mom, please.

I did not take credit for that.

Good, because...

Because taking credit is selfish.

Isn't that right, Maimonides?

Oh.

I am so proud of you.

You're gonna be really sorry next semester when I'm done taking philosophy and I start taking judo.

Hey, my love.

Hey.

How was school today?

Anybody put gum in your hair or bully you or anything?

Shadowing Carol is great, and I am really making a good connection with these amazing kids.

That's great. Look at this.

They did our billboard again.

(Scoffs)

Any of those amazing kids have spray paint on their hands?

I thought you hired Chuck to guard the parking lot.

He nailed it. Parking lot's still there.

(Sighs)

But see that this is exactly what I was worried about?

Now you have a problem with Chuck, and it's gonna make things tense with me and Carol.

Neighbor Chuck and I don't have a problem.

Work Chuck and I have a problem.

Yeah, but both Chucks are married to one of my very-best friends.

This is exactly why I didn't want you to hire him in the first place.

I didn't hire him.

Honey...

Take this up with work Ed.

(Sighs) Not now.

Stop.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Hi, Carol. Hi, Chuck.

Hello.

Nice to see you. Hey, Baxter.

Hi. Sit down. Sit down.

Uh, so we, uh, have some time for a drink before the show.

Oh, okay.

I would love a glass of wine.

Yeah? Okay. Chuck?

Maybe, uh, just a soda.

Soda?

You wouldn't want anything to interfere with your ability to rock out to James Taylor, huh?

(Chuckles)

You laugh, but last year, when he went into "Mockingbird," that place went nuts.

That was you, Chuck.

You went nuts.

Folks behind us asked you to sit down.

Uh, this wine is, uh... is from Ed's vineyard.

It is delicious and, uh, surprisingly cheap.

Hmm. Cheap. Sounds like Ed.

(Wine pouring)

If you got something to say, why don't you just say it?

I think I said it.

Uh, I am sure looking forward to that concert, you know?

(Chuckles nervously) Oh, yeah.

Uh, maybe we should watch the time, though.

Yeah, think you can do that, Chuck...

Keep an eye on something for me?

Ha ha. Shouldn't be a problem.

Sure it's not a two-man job?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Nah, we're fine.

(Sighing) Anyway...

(Normal voice) I would like to propose a toast...

Mm-hmm... To my good friend Carol.

Oh.

Uh, Carol, I am having so much fun in your classroom.

Oh. Well, I'm glad you're having fun.

Yeah, well, not just fun. I-I'm learning a lot.

And, uh... and the kids, they're learning, too.

Yes, but they really do learn better when we don't do their work for them.

(Chuckles) oh. We don't do their work for them.

Yeah, well, maybe I give them a hint or two, but just...

Yeah. "X equals 6" is not a hint when the question is "what does X equal?"

Is this still part of the toast?

Maybe we should go to the concert early.

There'll be, uh, metal detectors and a lot of artificial hips.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, Carol.

But it just seemed like you were losing some of the kids.

(Chuckling) Oh, you want to talk about losing kids?

I leave you for two minutes, come back, and found my students wandering the hall.

All right, Dominique needed to go to her locker, and when she didn't come back, Troy volunteered to go look for her.

Uh-huh. And he found her.

And I found them making out by the trophy case.

New toast! To Troy!

Oh. To Troy!

(Glasses clink)

All right, you know what? So I just made one mistake.

No, if you only counted one, then you shouldn't be teaching math.

You got a ways to go before you're ready to run your own class.

Well(Glass thuds)

Does this mean you're not gonna give me a recommendation?

I mean, come on. Carol, we're friends.

You see what's happening here, Chuck, is two great people letting work interfere with their friendship.

Yeah. It's sad, is what it is.

I think I am ready to run a class and maybe you are just bothered Because your students like me more than you.

(Chuckles) Of course they like you more.

You give them the answers and you let them make out in the halls.

Why don't you buy them some beer?

They'll make you prom queen.

You know what we need here?

The soothing sounds of James Taylor.

How about that concert?

Okay.

(Cellphone chimes) Carol: Let's go.

(Sighs)

Aw, man.

What's the problem?

My guard saw somebody suspicious in your store parking lot. I'm gonna go check it out.

(Indistinct shouting) What?

You're gonna leave me with those two?

Well (sighs) I said I was gonna handle it, so I'm handling it.

I know, but...

No, no, no.

You go to the James Taylor concert.

Enjoy yourself.

I actually can't do both of those things.

(Banging on window) What the...?!

I didn't see you there.

That should be your company motto.

(Sighs)

What are you doing here, Mike?

I just stopped by...

(Car door closes)

...To see if everything was okay.

(Sighs) Everything's fine. It was a false alarm.

Decided to relieve my guy for a few hours.

Let him go home and feed his seeing-eye dog?

Mm. How was James Taylor?

It was a great concert, and I'm sorry that you missed it.

You know, he sang "You've got a friend" and...

Oh, great song.

...Vanessa and Carol burst into tears, Started hugging each other.

Hmm.

It was... it was hard to watch.

That all it took to patch things up?

Well, a little contact high from the hippies in front of us.

They decided that it was a bad idea for them to work together.

You know, women just have a tough time compartmentalizing.

Yeah... Well, maybe it's not just women.

You know, I've been having a hard time Yeah.

Working with my good friend... Ed.

And, uh, working with you hasn't been all that easy, either.

Yeah. You're right. Maybe we shouldn't do this.

What?! You're gonna fire a brother after he missed James Taylor for you?

No, I'm not gonna fire you. I'm not a monster.

Let's just stop being friends.

Oh, that's a better idea.

Yeah, we're... we're still neighbors.

Yeah, that's much better.

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

We'll still do things together when the women force us to.

Yeah. Okay. Um, just for their sake.

Exactly.

And I suppose it would be okay If you came over tomorrow and watched the nuggets game.

Already on the books.

Yeah.

Okay, from now on, we're just a couple of guys who work together, live in close proximity, and, um, sometimes do stuff together.

Maybe we shouldn't try to label it.

Mm.

Hi, there. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

You know, a group of lions is called a "pride,"

But is a lion actually proud? It has every right to be.

It's the top of the African food chain.

But when a lion makes a k*ll, does it do an obnoxious victory dance and then spike the antelope? No.

Lions keep it classy.

They eat, lick their paws, do a few circles, and go do their business in the tall grass.

Now, the ancient Greeks had a word for showboating.

It's called "hubris."

It means excessive pride leading to one's own downfall.

The word is so ancient, it comes from when the Greeks actually had a lot to be proud of, back when they created democracy, the Olympics.

Now they light cheese on fire and owe the Germans billions.

Here's another example of the price you pay for hubris.

(Chuckling) And I'm not talking about the handsome dude in the D-cups.

I'm talking about the little victory dance down in the corner... "Zuggz."

The dumbass taggers couldn't resist taking credit for their handiwork, which allowed our security guy, Chuck Larabee, to track down these master criminals to their mom's basement in Thornton.

Those two Zuggz will be spending the rest of the eighth grade picking up trash along I-25.

Wave at them.

And like the lions, they'll probably have to do their business... In the tall grass.

Oh, washing your clothes, huh?

Better hope none of your designer labels came off, or you're holding a basket of cheap Chinese rags.

Actually, I've done laundry for the entire family, and I won't be taking any credit.

I will, however, be taking the 85 cents that I found.

Hey, girls.

Hi. Hey, Mom.

Oh, wow. Evie, look... you did all the laundry, too?

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Thanks, Mom, but I'm really not looking for credit.

It... it just wouldn't be right.

No, it wouldn't. It just wouldn't.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, but we all know who did it...

The same angel who cleaned the whole kitchen the other day.

You know what? You're not only your dad's favorite.

What I mean is...

You're also mine.

(Smooches)

Got to work on your whispering, Mom.

Oh. (Chuckling) sorry. I didn't mean that.

Okay. (Smooches)

I really did.

Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Wow.

"Maimonides" must be the Greek word for "sucker."

Heh.

Oh, my God.

(Chuckling) You shrunk Mom's new James Taylor shirt.

I didn't know that was in there. She loves that thing.

Yeah, she's gonna be so pissed!

Yeah...

At you!

But I didn't do the laundry, so...

Oh. Okay. Go try telling Mom that.

You know, this reminds me of something else, actually, that we're studying in philosophy...

Uh, karma.

And apparently, it's a bitch.

Oh, Mom!