04x14 - Eve's Breakup

[bunniefuu]

(Cheering) The Knicks could have won that game if they'd have hit a few more free throws.

Or if they were an entirely different team.

Listen, do you want to go to Ed's today and watch the Nuggets game?

Mm.

Nothing better than after a long day of watching sports...

More sports.

I think Ed just wants to show off his fancy new TV. 120"?

It's got to be cheaper just to punch a whole in the wall and have the Nuggets play in the yard.

Every time I go over there, Ed puts me to work.

I know. I know.

Uh, "make the bean dip," "light the grill," "rotate my tires."

The dude is rich, but he's cheap.

Mm-hmm.

He buys caviar with a Groupon.

I'll go, but if he asks me to bust up an old chifforobe, I'm out.

Oh, my God.

Mom, do you want to know what I just heard?

Eve and her boyfriend broke up.

That was my news.

I'm sorry.

You can have my news... "I heard it might snow tonight."

Is Eve okay?

I don't know.

I heard this from my old Woodbridge High contacts.

Oh, all right, so it might just be a rumor.

Nope.

Eve and Justin are definitely splitsville.

I confirmed it with three sources, one of them a boy cheerleader.

Also, Jessica Noble... probably bulimic.

Oh, well...

Although I do not have gay confirmation on that as of yet.

I thought you said you got all this news from the grapevine, not from people.

That's what the "the grapevine" is.

Ohh.

I thought you learned how to talk to plants.

I was hoping you could tell me what the heck my ficus is so upset about.

I got some bad news.

Hmm.

Is this real bad news, or something I've got to pretend to be interested in?

Eve and Justin broke up.

Oh. Whoa.

That... she's... That's... that's just...

How is that?

This is her first breakup.

She's gonna be pretty depressed.

Oorah!

I just set a new obstacle-course record.

And whose record did I smash? Mine.

High-fiving Reagan's ghost. Up top, gipper.

Breaks your heart to see your kids in so much pain, doesn't it?

Honey, honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.

I don't actually see Reagan's ghost.

All right, but... But how is Justin?

Oh.

Your mom would like to talk about your feelings, so, for the love of God, come up with something.

Yes, Mom.

Justin and I did break up, but it's not a huge deal.

I'm really okay about it.

You tried dating, didn't work out so well.

Now you can concentrate on school and sports and a lot of other things that don't make me so uncomfortable.

Ah, damn. These are Justin's.

And seeing them brings up feelings?

Yeah... Irritation.

Returning junk he left in my bag was not part of my clean-exit strategy.

Leave it alone. She's fine, okay?

Honey, teenage girls are not this blasé about breakups.

Teenage girls aren't Eve.

She's like a superhuman hybrid of a male and a female.

I'd use the term "master race," but that loser h*tler screwed that up for everybody.

(Knock on door)

Hey, how you doing?

Still fine. Sorry.

Honey, you know (Sighs) I promise, you will feel so much better if you just let yourself cry.

Oh, so you're backpedaling on last week's speech about laughter being the best medicine?

Hey, hey, hey. First breakups are devastating.

I know mine was.

It was high school. His name was Jeff, and I-I thought he was so cool 'cause he had a Mustang.

And yet, you married the fishing-pole salesman.

(Chuckles)

Jeff and I were very, very serious.

At least, I was.

I guess... I guess he was just pretending, which, when you think about it, is really just another word for lying.

He was a liar.

Ohh!

It feels kind of good just to say that.

Great. So, uh, we done here?

He would write me these little notes.

Okay, still going.

He promised to love me till the end of time.

And apparently time ended the week before prom, so...

I don't know what we're all still doing here.

Me neither.

Mom, listen.

The breakup between me and Justin was completely mutual, okay?

Honey...

We both just realized we're too busy to date right now.

That's all.

Really? It's that simple?

If it's any consolation...

Yeah?

...this has been exhausting.

Ta-da!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I could totally make that dress for you.

But I am worried about the cost.

Oh, dad's paying.

No, the cost would be our relationship.

I could not be sisters with someone who would wear that dress.

(Laughs)

Well, I like it.

Okay.

And I do have another sister.

Hey.

Hey, Mom. Hey, uh, how's Eve doing?

I cannot get her to cry.

Oh, really?

Have you tried dropping her off at school in your bathrobe yet?

Because that worked when you did it for me.

Eve swears she's fine.

Shes says the breakup was mutual.

You know who always calls it mutual?

The person who got dumped.

Mm.

Oh, God. You're right.

That's exactly what I told people when Jeff dumped me.

Who's Jeff? (Sighs)

Some liar.

Hey, maybe we could help her open up.

Let's put her in an environment were she feels comfortable.

Ohh, I don't want to go to a monster-truck rally.

No, hanging out with her sisters.

Yeah, and her fun mom. Yeah.

Yeah, we could go for tea, and then...

And then wedding-dress shopping.

Oh.

And we'll talk and talk and talk.

Wherever you're going, please take me with you.

I'm just going over to Ed's basement.

Oh, I'm in.

Beats an afternoon of talking and tea with the cast of "The View."

This could be fun.

We're gonna go see a TV that cost more than his first car, which I believe was the first car.

Come in. Come in. Come in. Come in here.

Check out my new home theater.

Whoa. Hey.

This is not nearly as creepy as what I pictured you building down here in the basement.

Welcome to cinema Alzate. Admission is free.

But I do intend to gouge you on the snacks.

Just kidding. There's no eating in here.

Give me the gum.

Seriously?

Gum, please.

(Spits)

At least no eating means I won't have to make the bean dip.

Well, that's probably a good thing.

Windowless room? Beans?

Check this out.

Notice how the opening completely vanishes into the paneling.

So your captives can't find their way out.

So, uh, where's this new, big TV, Mr. Alzate?

Okay, here we go.

Behold.

Huh? All we have to do is set it up.

He hasn't even taken it out of the box.

Well, that's why I invited you early.

Come on. Let's get to work. Tip-off in 20 minutes.

Where's the door? Oh, God, there's no door!

Hey. I really like this one.

Don't fall in love.

Remember, we're just here to rip off ideas.

I feel a little guilty about you stealing someone else's design.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Don't worry.

It'll be Kristin's "something borrowed."

There's our bridesmaid.

Oh!

And I have to say, that looks amazing on you.

Right? (Chuckles)

And, mother of the bride, I have to say that looks amazing on you.

Really?

Mom, he works here.

He literally has to say it.

How's it going in there?

Almost done.

Wedding dresses are a giant hassle.

Wait till you try marriage.

Trust me.

Okay. (Giggles)

Here I come. Yeah.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Honey, you're... you're just gorgeous.

I know, Mom, but right now, this is about Kristin.

So... do you like it?

Yes.

So you like it?

No, can we see another option?

Of course.

But I have to say...

I know... "Amazing."

But, uh, another option, please.

Yes.

I can totally make that dress, only better.

(Squeals, giggles) Cheers. Yeah.

(Giggling) N-o-o-o!

Champagne always helps my creative process.

I assume.

From... what I've read.

In the Bible.

Ahh.

Mm.

Boy, I hope Eve is having a good time with your dad.

Yeah, teenage breakups can be so painful.

And sometimes they are just awkward.

Like my breakup with Kyle.

I thought things ended okay with you and Kyle?

Yeah, you always said that it was mutual.

Mutual. You "mutual-Ed" Kyle?

The awkward part was how hard he tried to get me back... Notes, poems, flowers.

Well, no... Dirt and seeds.

He thought I'd have more fun making my own.

Kyle only gives dirt to people that he really cares about.

It was no big deal. I just kept saying no.

Oh. (Scoffs)

I mean, it sort of sounds like a big deal.

Uh, how long did this whole thing go on for?

Not long. Like six months.

I'm sorry. Six months?

Did I ever tell you girls about Jeff?

(Chuckles) Now, there was a breakup.

Why have you never told me about this?

You mean we could have had this super-fun conversation even sooner?

I tried to get Jeff back. (Chuckles)

He loved "Flashdance," so I-I got a chair and a bucket of water, and...

I'm sorry that I don't like hearing how heartbroken Kyle was over you.

Right.

I'm getting married, Eve's going through a breakup.

But somehow, once again, today becomes all about Mandy.

Okay, well, if you want it to be all about you, why don't you make your own damn wedding dress?

I didn't want your knock-off dress, anyway.

I can't imagine a more beautiful dress than this one.

So you'll take it?

Yes.

No.

That one is also pretty. I'll be in here.

All right, the manual estimated 10 minutes for this step.

What are you clowns doing down there?

You know, I think we're doing a good job considering the only tools you have are needle-nose pliers and whatever the hell this thing is.

I finally found the cable for the back speakers.

Huh.

Well, I got the shortest one.

I mean, I saved five bucks.

Great.

Now all we have to do is move that wall over here.

Yes! Denver just tied it!

Ooh, ooh, let me see. Let me see.

You don't want to watch the game on that little phone.

You know, the phone has an advantage...

It's not just a big, black rectangle.

I think we got enough stuff hooked up here.

I-I-I'm f*ring this bad boy up.

Well, now, hold on. Do it. Do it.

Okay, Mike. Okay, here I go.

Go, go, go.

And... (Electricity crackles)

What... what the...

Thank you for that, Chuck. That really sets us back.

No, I just overloaded the circuit.

Do you have the TV on the same circuit as the lights?

It's just a TV.

Plugging this thing in is like plugging in Vegas.

Uh, I could go reset the breaker.

Good. Go ahead. Yeah, the panel's in the kitchen.

Right there. Right up... yeah. Okay.

Just go right to your left right there. Up.

Mikey, no offense, but I think having Eve here is inhibiting our fun.

Yeah, I'm sure Eve is the reason we're not having fun, not the fact that we got no lights and no TV.

And no gum.

She broke up with her first boyfriend, her mom's been bugging her about it at home.

I just wanted to get her out of the house, give her a little space, okay?

Yeah, women love picking emotions apart.

It's like a bloomin' onion at happy hour.

If we're not allowed to eat in here, I don't want to talk about food.

Ah! Okay. Good going!

You're a good dad, Baxter.

Let the girl process things at her own pace.

Yeah, he's right.

She's better off not dwelling on it.

So, what's this deal about the breakup?

Ed, dwelling.

Um, I'm fine, Mr. Alzate. No biggie.

I mean, anyone care that the Nuggets just went on a 12-0 run?

All right, now, that's smart.

Take your mind off the pain.

Eventually you forget it, and ...and you get over it, right?

Oh, you forget.

But do you ever really get over it?

Not if you discuss your feelings with your dad's middle-aged friends.

Lisa Demeray.

Huh?

She sat next to me in eighth-grade math.

She borrowed my protractor, and I never washed it again.

You... you washed your protractor, huh?

What did you measure with that thing?

I-I finally got up the nerve to talk to her, and she told me her family was moving to Baltimore.

Whenever they show the crowd at a Ravens game, I-I look for her.

You know, I'm pretty sure she doesn't look like she did in the eighth grade.

But it's great to know why you watch football.

Okay, so, uh, we ready to try this again?

It was the spring of '56.

Guess not.

Tammy Balacek and I (Chuckles)

Would kiss in the moonlight, telling each other our dreams.

Yeah. That's when dreams used to be black and white.

Unlike our flat-screen, which is still black!

One day, out of the blue, she says she's not feeling it anymore.

(Voice breaking) What does that even mean?

True love is right there, and she says she's not feeling it.

I better test these 3-D glasses.

I don't think we need TV.

We got "the brotherhood of the traveling pants" right here.

Baxter, it might be good for Eve to hear this stuff.

I mean, it's hard when your...

Your heart gets ripped out of your chest.

Nobody ripped her heart out of her chest.

This was a mutual breakup, right?

Actually, I kind of just said that.

Yeah, I broke up with Justin.

He was just more into me than I was into him.

Mike: Okay.

Tammy Balacek all over again.

I'm feeling kind of bad because when Justin started crying, I kind of laughed.

He cried?

You laughed?

What kind of monster have you raised?

Don't listen to these guys.

You know, she's probably not used to seeing men cry.

But after today, it'll be like old hat.

Yeah, Justin crying just caught me off guard, that's all.

Eve, you're a good kid and all, but that... that... that's cold.

That's... that's deep space, dark-side-of-the-moon cold.

Uh, let's have enough of this.

Let's watch a little basketball.

Okay, all right. That's what we came here for, huh? Sit down.

Satellite on, guys.

Ed: Let's go.

Sit down, and let's watch some basketball.

All right.

Announcer: Another incredible win for Denver.

Stay tuned for post-game coverage, and our interview with Ty Lawson, the Quizno's bacon ranch player of the game.

Wow, that was some game. You know what?

Maybe we'll come by here and not watch the super bowl when it's on.

We need to talk about this Kyle thing.

I am changing.

Well, good, because I'm not crazy about who you are right now.

Mom?!

She's not here.

She's off bonding with the salesman.

They've both been dumped by liars named Jeff.

Look, okay?

Kyle was never really in love with me.

I-I-I-I think he just felt obligated because I'm a single mom and... and Boyd had gotten really attached to him.

Boyd was only 4 then.

They liked a lot of the same books.

All of those times that Kyle tried to get you back, you rejected him every single time?

Yes, I promise, okay? You have no reason to be jealous.

Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

I'm just mad at you for rejecting my sweet Kyle.

Oh. What?

That must have really hurt his feelings...

Coming to you with dirt and seeds and getting turned down over and over and over again.

So, you're mad at me for not getting back with your boyfriend?

All he wanted was another sh*t.

See, this is why I think you and Kyle are the real thing.

This is the first time I've seen you put someone else's feelings ahead of your own.

Is that what I did?

Yeah.

And you did it without even thinking.

That's when I do my best stuff.

Announcer: What a night!

Denver wins in triple overtime, 143-142.

(Radio turns off)

Well, if you're gonna miss a game, might as well miss the best one of the year.

(Sighs)

What if Ed and Chuck are right about me being cold?

Eve, come on.

In the last two days, I've been called a monster and a robot.

It's starting to hurt.

Who called you a robot?

Justin...

When I laughed at him for crying.

Robots don't laugh at other people's pain.

That would be a sociopath.

(Scoffs) Dad, I'm serious.

I mean, have you ever laughed when someone you cared about was in pain?

No. Yes.

I mean, your mom made some pretty funny faces when she was delivering Kristin.

And I'm telling you right now, never tell a woman in labor that she looks like Buddy Hackett.

I don't know. Justin was my first real boyfriend.

I think maybe I should be more upset.

What you think doesn't make any difference.

See, this is about your feelings.

And your feelings are gonna come up.

Even if it's 50 years later when you're showing off your media room.

So, I'm not cold?

You're not cold at all.

You have great feelings.

You... you care about your family and your friends and God and the Broncos...

I do cry when they lose.

Mm-hmm.

And I cried after the 2012 election.

I mean, even Romney didn't cry.

He's not programmed to.

Romney is, in fact, a robot.

Hey.

Hey, how was Ed's TV?

Heavy.

What about you? You okay?

You have any feelings you want...

I got to go.

Well, good going. You spooked her.

Like that 10-point buck I tried to sh**t on our honeymoon.

Yeah.

Yeah, honey, you know, you sh*t at a deer from the balcony of our bridal suite.

Mm-hmm. And, uh... and I'm the one who's out of line?

Unh-unh. (Chuckles)

Hey, did she show any emotion? She cry? Anything?

No.

If she needs lessons, she can take them from Ed and Chuck.

Hey, Mom, have you seen Justin's headphones?

I want to return them and get this over with.

Uh, yeah, I dropped them off with Justin's mom.

What?

You know what? She is so sweet.

Would it be weird for you if Betty and I stayed friends?

You dropped them off?

Well, y-y-you didn't want to have to see him, so I just thought I would How can you do that, Mom?

I was going to do that! You didn't even ask me first!

No, no, no, but, babe, you said you wanted a clean exit, right?

You know what? Just do me a favor and don't think, okay?

Just... from now on, stay out of my life.

(Sighs)

Honey, I...

There's some emotion. Everybody happy?

(Eve crying)

What are you doing? What are you doing?

She's in there crying, Mike. It's terrible.

All week long, you've wanted her to cry.

Yes, she's my baby.

Well, now that she's crying, you want her to stop?

Yes, she's my baby.

S-s-she just needs some time by herself.

Just get away fr...

W-w-wait, but if...

Have I made it clear that I'm available to talk to her about this?

I think everyone knows that.

Oh... well, I-I'm gonna wait here just in case she needs me.

As long as it takes.

Eve: Mom?

Oh, thank God.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with our Valentine's Day gift combo...

Hip waders and a sleeping bag.

Hmm?

See, you'll need the sleeping bag when your wife kicks you out because you bought her hip waders.

Valentine's Day is a celebration of love.

But for a lot of lonely people, it's a big holiday for depression, which is why we'll be closing the sh**ting range very early that day.

With so much heartbreak, why do we put ourselves through this?

Is love necessary for our survival?

Animals don't love, and they survive just fine, present company excluded.

When you see a giraffe running on the savannah, it's not running after another giraffe saying, "please, don't leave me."

It's running from a lion saying, "please don't eat me."

Only humans are capable of love, and the best kind of love is unconditional...

Love of family, love of friends, love of God...

And love of your new 4x4.

Love is about the best thing humans have.

As author Robert Brault said " Find someone who loves you for no reason and shower that person with reasons."

That is the ultimate happiness.

So, maybe follow up those hip waders with some flowers.

But whatever you do, don't show her the present you got your truck.

Happy Valentine's Day from all of us at Outdoor Man.