05x02 - Free Range Parents

[bunniefuu]

♪

I can't believe mom still gets actual magazines.

You can get all this stuff on your iPad.

Wait...

Try that with an iPad.

Uh, I did. That's why I'm reading a magazine.

Ooh! Look! A review of the new Ryan Gosling movie.

Don't read that... we're supposed to be surprised when we see it with mom tomorrow.

Yeahhhhh.

The thing is... I kind of already saw it.

Mandy! We promised!

Now mom's gonna look at us with those big, sad anime eyes.

We just won't tell her, all right?

It'll be fine. Just don't cr*ck, okay?

Me? cr*ck?

Please.

Hi. What are you guys doing?

Uh, just making a sandwich.

Geez, mom, get off our backs.

Eve is just mad 'cause we ran out of mayonnaise.

How was your day?

I'm a teacher.

If I reach just one student, it's a good day.

Today was a bad day.

So, you excited to see the new Ryan Gosling movie?

Yeah, I can't wait.

I mean, I can wait.

I can definitely wait, right?

Hey, what did happen to all that mayonnaise?

(Door opens)

Hey, Ryan. Where's Boyd?

Oh, I thought I was gonna get hung up at work, so I asked Mike to pick him up.

But then I finished my beer delivery super-fast.

Oh. Were all of your deliveries "light" beer?

(Laughs)

(Sighing) Ah, jokes.

Hey, speaking of which, where are they?

School let out a half-hour ago.

Dad might be lecturing the history teacher... again.

(Laughs)

"Light beer." So it was easier to carry.

Right! That's a good one.

Hi, dad.

The line of cars for pickup was three stupid blocks, so grandpa parked his damn car, and we walked home.

It was a private conversation!

Nice.

Yeah, that car line is getting really slow.

And laying on your horn doesn't do any good.

Look, he's six blocks from here. Let him walk home.

Mike, we've talked about this, okay?

I think it's way too dangerous.

You think everything's dangerous.

You know, it's starting to rub off on that kid.

He looked at an ice cream truck, and he called it "the diabetes wagon."

Well, it is, okay?

Do you want to know why kids scream for ice cream?

Because they're dying.

Well, all of our kids walked home from Clark every day without any problems.

Mm. Except for our little brother Oliver.

Oh, but it's only been five years.

Little Ollie might still turn up.

You know what, don't even joke about stuff like that, okay?

There are child abductions all the time.

That's why I don't buy into the whole free-range parenting thing.

Okay, what is that?

Is that where, like, the kids live on the farm and learn to make wooden furniture?

Or wait... what's Amish?

It's this new movement where parents are letting their kids play outside unsupervised.

We used to call that "childhood."

I just don't see the upside in letting Boyd walk home, all right?

You know what, I work with children every day, Ryan, and they need to be given responsibility.

I mean, a good kick in the ass would be better, but then I would be "unfit as an educator."

That was fun today. Can I walk home by myself tomorrow?

Uh, I don't know about that, buddy.

Come on, dad. Please?

I'll help you save the whales.

We won't serve whale at Outdoor Man Grill.

Fine. Okay? We will try it.

Cool!

But look, you come right home after school, okay?

No stopping, no talking, no playing.

Sounds like childhood in North Korea.

Where you're probably allowed to kick students in the ass.

Lucky.

Well, congratulations.

You get to walk home from school.

Tonight we celebrate with a big bowl of diabetes.

♪

What's up, boss?

This is terrible.

Yeah, I know. Work is boring.

Let's go fishing.

No, I'm talking about the numbers from the kids' section.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, nothing is moving.

I'm thinking of doing away with the whole thing.

No, don't do that, Mr. Alzate.

We just got all this great new stuff, like this four-person tree swing that's all like, "Wow!"

And then these bouncy moon shoes that are like, "Thoing! Thoing! Thoing!"

And then this water cannon is all like, "Doosh!"

I need to go field-test this.

This is your market right here...

26-year-olds that live under power wires.

His whole brain is "Bvvvvvt."

Dad, did you finish the new ad layout for the restaurant?

I need to get it to the newspaper by 3:00.

By 3:00? You better get it there by 2:00.

The newspaper might be out of business by then.

Ha ha.

Hey, so, uh, Ryan tells me you talked him into letting Boyd walk home today?

Yeah.

And since I'm on a roll, maybe we could work on getting more gluten back in your life.

Ha ha ha. No, this is good.

I've been trying to get him to let Boyd have a little more independence.

No, this... this is exactly why we're not selling toys here.

These parents are too overprotective nowadays.

My mom once for a birthday party gave me a plastic g*n.

On the box, it said "a great way to put out an eye."

Okay, Ryan means well.

He just watches the news too much.

The lefty news.

All they're scared about is free enterprise might make somebody rich.

People being scared is not the problem.

No, no. It's an opportunity.

I'm thinking of turning this whole section into a sales area for preppers.

Preppers?

You mean the people who hoard food and batteries and have hidden shelters up in the mountains?

The good ones can withstand nuclear weapons.

(Chuckles)

There's a word for people like that.

(Chuckles nervously) Ed's a prepper.

And that word is "smart."

And "rational." T-there's two words.

What do you got in that shelter now, Ed, besides hand grenades and scotch?

A Bible and a Koran.

A Koran?

Yeah. I'm not quite sure which way this thing is gonna go.

Seriously?

Ed is one of those crazies who has a secret bunker up in the mountains?

Your mom and I have one up in the mountains.

You do? Where?

Nice try.

♪

And done.

I just bought our movie tickets online.

Isn't it great that we can do that now?

We're like the Jetsons.

That's great, mom.

After the movie, we can go to dinner and talk about it.

That's great, mom.

(Mockingly) "That's great, mom. That's great, mom."

Nothing mom says is great. Stop acting so suspicious.

I'm sorry.

It's just that every time she mentions the movie, I'm afraid I'll slip and blurt out that Ryan Gosling's girlfriend is the k*ller.

Wait ...what?

Yes. (Sighs) I saw the movie.

No... his girlfriend's the k*ller?

That makes total sense now.

Wait... you saw the movie?

Yeah. Didn't you?

I thought I did.

We're horrible daughters. What should we do?

I mean, I guess we could tell her that we saw the movie but we're still happy to go with her.

No, going to a movie with someone who's already seen it is like sitting in the back of a car while the people in front make out.

Okay, would you please let that go?

Kyle and I forgot you were there.

Hey. What are you doing home so early?

I live here.

Why don't you tell your boyfriend to leave out the bedroom window?

I know, I know.

You want to be here for when Boyd gets home.

I think it's nice, honey.

Well, I wasn't sh**ting for "nice," but sometimes it just happens, you know, by accident.

(Knock on door)

Chuck: Baxter!

Oh.

Hey, Chuck. Come on in.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, well, just so you guys know, a couple of my customers reported some suspicious activity down at Clark elementary.

What are you talking about? What do you mean? What happened?

Some weird guy lurking around.

It's okay. We ...we got him.

You call the cops?

Well, I figured that was up to you.

Why's it up to us?

(Chuckles)

I could've just had him walk up with me, but this was way more fun.

This is unbelievable.

So, when you told Boyd to avoid creeps, you were talking about yourself.

I was not being creepy.

Except for hiding in the bushes.

Yeah, what's that?

No, I wasn't hiding in the bushes, okay?

I was...

Nestling in the branches.

Branch nestling.

Not cool.

Mom, we better leave if you want to have time to look at the snacks for 10 minutes and say, "eh, I probably shouldn't, but I did work out this week."

Yeah, we don't want to miss the beginning of the movie, right?

Meh. (Chuckles)

Let me get this straight.

So, when you said he could walk home from school, you were planning all along to follow him home in the car.

I was not planning on it, okay?

I was driving here, and then I passed the school, and I saw the bush.

So, you know, I-I took it as a sign.

So, you only listen to God when he tells you to do something stupid?

Yeah, you know what?

This has been really fun, but I'm gonna go pick up Boyd.

All right, but if I get another complaint, I'm using the taser.

But you know what? That might be fun. Go ahead, man.

Come on. No, wait a minute. You're not going anywhere.

Sit here and relax.

We'll wait for Boyd to come home.

Why don't you stick around? I might need to use that taser.

♪

All right, good job getting this set up so fast, Kyle.

Oh, thank you, sir. Yeah.

All right, we're gonna open it up with Q&A.

To make sure I get the right q's, I want you to read from these.

Got it. All right.

Good, good, good.

Did you write these left-handed?

I was in a hurry.

Okay.

Let's do this now.

(Clears throat)

Thank you, folks. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, please, uh, silence your cellphones.

But if one goes off, it's not the end of the world, so...

Let's open it up to some questions now.

Uh... y-young man in the back.

Ah, yes, uh, thank you, sir. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Uh, maybe I'm just an old-fashioned skee pig.

(Chuckles)

Um, I-I think you mean "skeptic."

Yes? Yes.

Yes. All right. G-go on, go on. Go ahead.

But is the world really as scary as you believe?

(Chuckling) No. No, no, no, no.

It's scarier.

That's right.

There are... there are many apocalyptic versions of the end of the world here.

You know, there are airborne diseases.

All right, there's invasion from another country, outer space.

Oh, you mean like space aliens?

No, like the sun.

It emits solar flares, and if one ever hits the earth, it would cut out all communications.

What can we do to stop it?

Nothing.

But we can prepare, all right?

So, g-go on, go on. Go on.

Okay, uh, what do we need to know about the... Yellowstone super volcano?

(Chuckles) Well, you all know that most of Wyoming is a colossal volcanic crater.

But my grandma just booked a bus trip to Yellowstone.

Easy. Easy, son. Easy, easy.

Easy, son. (Chuckles)

The volcano last erupted 174,000 years ago, so...

Well, that means it's due.

Well, possibly, possibly.

The, uh... last summer, the... the ground temperature in Yellowstone got so hot that the roads started to melt.

And my grandma wears crocs.

Okay, I'm not getting a signal.

It's a solar flare!

All right, I'm coming, grandma!

Don't listen... okay, uh, folks, just ...just re... just relax.

♪

Okay, it's 2:45 now, school's just letting out, so he needs two, three minutes to gather his stuff, seven-minute walk home, so he should be home between 2:54 and 2:56.

Yeah, that's probably right.

8-year-old with a first taste of freedom.

I'm sure he'll come straight home.

Your kid's walking home from elementary school, not crossing out of the green zone in Baghdad.

It's just parents today.

They can't leave the kids out of their sight.

Ugh.

When I was a kid, we'd leave home in the morning, wouldn't come back till dinner.

My dad said, "stay out until the streetlights come out" and we lived in a neighborhood that didn't have streetlights.

Yeah, next thing you're gonna tell me is you didn't wear sunscreen.

No, no, no, we had sunscreen, but we used to put it between two Oreos and feed it to our little brother.

We coated my little brother's head with peanut butter.

Then we realized he had a bad peanut allergy.

What are you looking at?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just, uh, I'm checking my, uh, fantasy... Athletes.

Are you, now?

Can I have my phone, please?

What's the blinking-dot athlete? Who is that athlete?

You put a GPS on your kid.

I attached it to his clothing, yes.

(Laughs)

Why don't you just chip him, like a little puppy?

Okay, fine. You know what?

Maybe I'm not as brave as you guys, but at least I know where my son is.

Mm. Yeah.

You should be happy. He's heading out of school. Yep.

Just like you said, but he's, uh...

Going towards cherry street, which is...

That... that's the wrong way.

Yeah, well, he's probably, you know, talking to a girl or chasing a butterfly.

At 35 miles an hour?

He's not that fast.

Little problem, actually.

I'll drive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

I made it!

Hello?

I knew this was gonna happen.

Listen, get a grip, all right?

There's a perfectly good explanation for this.

Yeah, he's been kidnapped!

You know, I bet you it's !sis.

They want recruits, and they've seen how good he is on the monkey bars.

Listen, stop panicking, or I'm gonna have to slap you, and I don't think I'll be able to stop!

Can we please just be going faster?

He's got a point, Mr. Flintstone.

Make with the feet.

You just keep your eyes on that GPS, Baxter.

The police are on their way.

Listen, if... if I got it right, he's in, um...

That van right there.

Oh, my God! He's in a van?!

(Siren wailing) Here come the cops.

sh**t the tires! sh**t the driver!

Just start sh**ting!

Or they could start sh**ting that bumper sticker that says "My child is an honor student at Clark Elementary"!

What?

Ohhh.

(Siren chirps)

Oh, is that the Gundersons' van?

Mm.

We'll know in a second. The cops are pulling them over.

(Chuckles)

Hey, Jeffrey.

(Chuckles) Jeffrey's mom is now facedown on the asphalt.

A nice, middle-aged white lady.

You don't see that every day.

♪

I'm so excited to see this!

Hey, do you think he takes his shirt off?

Twice. What?

Probably. I mean, I don't know.

Geez, mom, keep it in your pants.

Oh, I wonder if I have time to go to the snack bar.

I mean, I really shouldn't, but I did work out this week, so...

Go ahead. Nothing much happens in the first 20 minutes anyway.

What?

I mean, of any movie. Everybody knows that.

Hey, did you ever buy that mayonnaise?

What... what... what's going on, Mandy?

Uhhhh...

Eve saw the movie.

Eve!

Oh. Uh, s-so did Mandy.

Mandy!

So did Eve!

Well, why'd you guys do that?

Mom, so we saw the movie. What's the big deal?

Well, I'll tell you what the big deal is.

I-I just... it's starting.

(Sighs)

It's a big deal because this was our last tradition.

(Sighs)

We don't have tea parties or go on bike rides or do any of that stuff anymore.

This... this was the one thing we had left, and you guys, you couldn't respect that enough to wait?

Woman: Shh!

I'm parenting!

Now we... we don't have the fun of experiencing this together.

It's... it's like you guys are just doing me a favor.

It's not a favor.

We knew you wanted to see it, and we wanted to be with you.

Woman: Be with her somewhere else!

Just eat your popcorn!

I just... I really love spending time with you girls.

We love spending time with you, too, mom.

I hope so.

I hope you guys always feel that way.

Of course we will.

I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but we love you.

You guys.

(Both chuckle)

Hey!

Wha... hey! Who threw that at my mom?

You know what? Let's just go get some dinner.

We'll tell you what happens in the movie. Please?

Okay, yeah, you know what? Let's go. Let's go. Okay.

Okay. All right. Fine.

Yeah.

Enjoy your movie.

The girlfriend is the k*ller.

How did you know that?

(Scoffs) Never mind. Just...

♪

(Video game beeping)

He's here.

Where were you guys? I was worried about you.

(Sighs)

I love you so much.

O-kay.

Look, we were chasing after the kid who had this.

You traded your jacket for a skateboard?

Yeah... with Jeffrey.

How did you know?

'Cause Jeffrey's mom was screaming about it from the back of a patrol car.

Go get the rest of your stuff, all right?

We're gonna go home.

(Sighs) I am such an idiot.

If you're waiting for me to disagree, it's gonna be a long night.

Hey, don't b*at yourself up.

You know what, actually? I would like to b*at you up.

Wow, you want to sh**t the Gundersons, you want to b*at me up.

What, did you have meat today?

None of this would've happened if you hadn't convinced me to let Boyd walk home alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's remember something ... nothing happened.

Yeah, nothing happened this time.

You can't live your life in fear like this.

You know what? Watch me.

I'm sorry, Mike, but when we were chasing that van, the only thing I could think about was every scary story I've ever seen on the news.

Because that's what the news does!

It's their job to scare you ... disease, disaster, v*olence.

They make everybody think we're living on one big cruise ship.

So you're gonna tell me that you were 100% sure that Boyd was safe the whole time?

No, I'm not gonna say that, but the scared part of me had to be quiet so the other part of me could figure out what to do about it.

Well, you know what?

I guess the scared part of me is just too loud.

Look, I know the news media is supposed to manipulate my emotions, but guess what ...it works.

Boyd is done walking home alone from school.

Well, we're gonna start eating whale!

(Keyboard clacking)

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man here to talk about scare tactics.

Sadly, they work.

I'm just enjoying some mixed nut...

Oh.

You see, the part of the brain that triggers fear works faster than the part that controls reason.

For some people... little kids who are afraid of the dark and certain son-in-laws who are afraid of...

Well, just about everything, the reason part of the brain never really kicks in.

As a contrast, animals don't have reason.

That's why the stupid coyote always ends up in midair holding that stick of dynamite.

(Cries mockingly)

And that's why my dog panics every time the doorbell rings.

He goes nuts, and I try to explain to him, "listen, burglars don't ring the doorbell."

And you just get that look from the dog.

Human beings are blessed with reason.

But it's harder to use it when the media bombards you with terrifying images... tsunamis, plane crashes, the new colonel Sanders.

That's why I'm declaring Outdoor Man a fear-free zone, because we don't sell fear.

We sell courage, we sell engagement between man and nature in the form of kayaks, climbing gear, and... on sale this month... casting rods.

You see, the world is kind of the opposite of Hillary Clinton.

It actually gets less scary the better you know it.

I'll leave you with a quote.

"Fearless is not the absence of fear.

Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."

And what great philosopher said that?

Aristotle?

Schopenhauer?

Descartes?

No, it... it was Taylor Swift.

If that ain't scary, I don't know what is.

♪

Come on, everybody. Seminar's about ready to begin.

You guys sit here.

Plenty of stuff for the kids to play with outside.

Yeah, we got a bunch of cool trampolines that are all like, "Fong! Fong! Fong! Fong!"

And these slacklines that are like, "Whoa!"

So, who wants to play?

Come on.

So...

Your kids are out there playing, you'll be in here learning about how not to be afraid of them out there playing.

Mike, we could've made a lot of money on that prepper stuff, Mike.

But I like this.

It's a good thing we're doing for the kids.

Not really doing it for the kids.

Right.

Hi. Hey.

Is, uh, there supervision out there?

Kyle's out there, so no.

You sure you want to go through with this?

Nope. Not really.

But someone I admire very much explained to me what "fearless" means.

You watched the Vlog.

No.

I got that one from Taylor Swift.

(Crash)

It's okay. Only me.

Water cannon misfire.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

The kids had a super-great time playing outside today.

(Chuckling) Yeah.

What about that kid that almost started crying when we said it was all over?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah.

I was just really having fun.

Mr. Alzate's seminar was good, too.

I think so. Yeah.

In fact, I might do one of those secret shelters.

What? Build it yourself?

I mean, you're not that handy with tools after the incident with the needle-nose pliers.

Not my fault.

Okay, if that's not how you're supposed to use them, then don't put the word "nose" in the name.

Besides, I'm not gonna build it myself.

I'll hire people.

Of course you'll hire people.

Now, you got a group of electricians, carpenters, and plumbers helping you build it, and after you're finished, all you got to do is k*ll them all.

What? No.

You have to, 'cause otherwise, it wouldn't be secret, would it?

Oh, you're right. Yeah.

Oh, man. The place will be swarming with people.

Exactly.

Then where am I supposed to go?

Well, Vanessa and I have a secret shelter.

Oh, awesome. Where is it?

Nice try.