05x03 - Ping-Pong

[bunniefuu]

Oof. I need more java.

The shakes give my fashion designs a little extra pizzazz.

Ooh.

A certain je ne sais "quoi-fee."

I don't get it.

It's worse when you do.

You've been working really hard since you got back from New York, Mandy.

Yeah, well, I got to prove that everything Donna Karan said about me was wrong.

Except for when she said, "if nothing else, you're pretty."

That was really sweet.

You don't even know when someone's insulting you.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Lot of mail today, folks.

Oh, anything for me?

Just the usual six pounds of women's pajama catalogs.

Say goodbye to the rainforest.

You women just have to look good while you sleep.

Oh, come on. You get catalogs for men.

Yeah? Bed, bath & b*ll*ts?

Crate & b*ll*ts? Which one?

Ooh. So cute.

Ooh, silk.

So copying this pattern.

Or these.

So cozy.

So ordering.

So sad.

Well, Eve, we got our raft-trip information.

Now maybe that kid with the banjo will learn a new song.

Hells yeah! Up top.

Up top.

What are you guys doing?

Just the awesome dad-daughter whitewater senior year spectacular.

No bigs.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You took Kristin on that.

Even though she was pregnant.

Well, my grandson is sharp as a tack.

Apparently, all that jostling in utero made his mind sharp.

Another Baxter family tradition, like going to church every Sunday and watching dad do that open-eye sleep thing.

Amen! Amen, everybody.

You know, that rafting trip is not a tradition if not everybody went on one.

Uh-huh.

I asked her senior year. I'm sure you were sooo busy.

Actually, you never offered.

What?!

Mom, I wouldn't have gone anyway.

I'm not really into rafting.

I mean, look at me, people. Why would I be?

Wow.

Hillary Clinton's asking us for money.

Will her string of mistakes never end?

The hits keep on coming, but she'll never top benghazi.

That's her "stairway to heaven."

Yeah, that's the kind of screw-ups that happen when you spend all your free time deleting e-mails.

(Whimpering)

It's not a mistake. I donated to Hillary.

I think it's time.

Well, I think it's time to Pierce my broken heart with this Kn*fe.

Mom, I know you love the show "Scandal," but do you really want to watch it every night for four years?

Yes, I do.

And every night, I will be in a different pair of pajamas.

What would I do without Eve?

Well, you're never gonna have to worry about Eve.

You two will always be talking politics, going to games, sh**ting g*ns.

The real question is, what are you gonna do with Mandy?

Sounds like I'll be kind of busy.

You know, Mandy's gonna be gone soon, and if you don't have something in common, she's just gonna become a holiday child.

A holiday child?

Yeah.

You know, one of those kids you just see on the holidays?

Like the baby Jesus.

You need to find stuff to do with Mandy.

I think I know what I'm talking about.

You used to know what you were talking about.

This letter ruins your credibility.

Give me one reason... one reason.

I just think it's time.

Ed, if you were putting money in the election, who would you bet on?

My streak of backing losers is over, Mike.

Bobby Jindal all the way.

Oh, there's money well-spent.

Hey, I was just looking through the security footage.

Did you guys know Kyle sneaks in at night and stocks the shelves?

Kid's got a problem with breaking and organizing.

Thanks, Chuck.

How's your boy doing at Florida State?

Oh, I haven't talked to grant in a while.

Wow. If I knew that's all it took not to talk to you, I'd move to Florida.

But we text all the time.

Last night, they had pizza in the dining hall.

He was fired up. Look at all those emoticons.

Oh, it's so good to be a parent these days.

So much easier to stay connected with all that technology.

Exactly.

Every time I post on Facebook, my four daughters like the hell out of it.

Yeah, that's good.

Except you have five daughters, Ed.

If you count Maria.

I like to count all my kids.

She and I never had that much in common.

Yeah, but you see her on holidays.

Oh, I guess we drifted apart.

Holidays?

I haven't heard from Maria in 10 years.

Hey! My boy's having tacos for lunch!

All right. Let's go.

Okay. g*n range or batting cage?

You know what? Actually, just surprise me.

No, actually, I'm talking to your sister.

Huh?

Why?

Am I in trouble?

No, no.

I just thought it would be a great day for dad to take his fav... one of his favorite daughters out.

Um, I can't, dad.

I actually have a lot of sewing to do.

Well, have your mom do it.

She's always looking for extra chores to do around here.

Or is that just the opposite?

Okay, wait.

I think the way everyone wins is I go, we have fun, and Mandy stays here and does whatever it is she does. All right.

I like Eve's thing.

Listen, listen, but this is really about you and I.

Let's just go do something together.

Uh, we... let's go to a movie.

Seen it.

I haven't told you which one.

Seen all of them.

All right, we can do anything. Anything you want to do.

Can we go to Paris?!

I don't think mom knows what I'm dealing with here.

Hey, Evie, is your dad here?

He's on his way to Paris.

Good.

Uh, listen.

I wanted to talk to you about your reaction to my political donation.

Look, I still love you.

Are we cool?

Sit.

Ugh, fine.

Evie, look.

For the first time in the history of this country, the president might not be a man.

I mean, think about that.

There's never been a more exciting time to be a woman.

It's always an exciting time to be a woman.

That's why we're always so happy.

No, come on.

Electing a woman now would really mean something.

I just don't think Hillary's that strong.

What?

I feel like congress could cheat on her, and she'd just look the other way.

I mean, do you even agree with any of her positions?

It doesn't matter. I would vote for any woman.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So, like, Mrs. h*tler? Mrs. Stalin?

I think it's safe to say that they would have done a better job than their husbands.

What I mean is I would vote for any woman with the necessary experience and a real sh*t, like Hillary.

Whatever. Support who you want.

It's a free country.

Thanks to the army bill did such a good job dodging.

But he got to be president, and even though Hillary got better grades at Yale law school.

Yeah, and that's probably the only time he didn't cheat.

Mom?!

All I can say is, you're welcome.

We went to the mall! And we had the best time!

You, uh...

You here to audition for one direction?

Haters are gonna hate. Peace out.

Hi.

Hey.

What'd you do?

I wanted to snap some pics.

Oh, I didn't want to wrinkle those dope threads.

You hated the outfit.

No, no, no, I just wanted to put it in a safe place, in the bag where it came from, next to the receipt.

I may take it for a ride a little later.

Dad, you were the one who said it was such a big deal that we spend some time together.

I knew this was a bad idea.

It's not a bad idea, honey. Honey, listen.

We just got to find something that we both like.

Yeah. Okay.

What about the stuff we did when you were little?

Uh, we could have a tea party.

We could join the tea party.

Go to the putting green.

We could join the putting green.

Dad, this is dumb. We should just give up.

That's one thing we don't have in common, is I don't quit.

Yeah, but think about it.

If you did, we'd have something in common.

And then we'd be done.

Evie, look what I found for you.

Hmm. "The feminine mystique."

Mm.

It's a landmark text in women's history.

I read it in high school, and it changed my life.

Who wrote "Mrs. Tom Selleck" 100 times?

(Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. Larabee.

Ah, hello, nice Baxters.

Hey, Chuck.

What are you doing here?

I got your text.

Oh, right. Right, right, right.

Um, uh, so, so... come in.

I'm in.

Yeah, uh...

What's up?

Vanessa, my dinner's getting cold. I don't...

All right, all right, all right.

Chuck, um, I-I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind explaining to me and Eve what it was like for you on election day, 2008.

Oh, it was a great day for the country.

Mm.

But... but specifically, what was it like for you?

Well, as an American...

Mm-hmm.

...I'm always happy when the best candidate wins.

Of course. We all are.

But... but the election of 2008 must have had a special resonance for you.

Why?

What my mom is trying to say is that you must have been happy because a black guy won.

See?

Oh!

No. I was happy because a smart guy won.

A smart, bla... frican American.

A smart American with smart policies.

Yeah, but, Chuck, you might have voted for him even if you didn't agree with his positions, right?

Why would I do that... vote for someone just because we had something in common without taking into account their positions?

That's ridiculous.

Chuck, your dinner's getting cold.

Yeah.

(Chuckles)

"Bla-frican American."

(Chuckles)

Not cool.

(Sighs)

That didn't go as planned, did it, mom?

Honey, why the hell don't you care about this?

Because I don't worry about stuff that happened a million years ago.

The only problem women have is that they can't let go of the past.

So, you don't think that after 240 years of doing things one way, it's not time for a change?

Look around, mom.

Our lives, this house, this kitchen...

I mean, the old way seems to work pretty well for us.

Sweetie, we're more than just cooks and servants.

We can do more than shop and clean and bake things and...

(timer dings)

Not now, cookies!

Kristin.

Hey, Ed.

Hey.

Kris, I, um... I know I don't always say it.

I just want to tell you how much it means that... that you come to me for advice.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I do give pretty great advice, hmm?

Ed?

Mm?

Would you like me to ask you for advice?

Oh, no. No. No, I do not. No.

I love you, Ed, but you're kind of eating into my break here.

Okay. I-I need some advice.

Oh.

Is it about how to talk to people?

No, no, no.

It's... it's about... it's about my daughter Maria.

See, we've... well, lost touch.

Part of me wants to fly to Vegas to make things right with her.

She lives in Cleveland.

I know, but I want to go to Vegas.

Think she'd meet me there?

Um, I think it's nice that you want to fix your relationship with your daughter.

(Sighs)

We're just so different.

Did you and your dad always do things together?

(Chuckles) Not in high school.

We had nothing in common.

How about that great rafting trip you went on?

No. He had to drag me on that.

He wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

Or "I'm pregnant!" For an answer.

Yeah, my pal can be stubborn.

I'm glad he was.

That trip was one of my favorite memories.

Maybe I should have been more tenacious with Maria, a little more insistent that we do things together.

See, the thing about us daughters is that we can resent our dads for being overbearing, but love them for it at the same time.

Well, I'm sure there's one thing that all dads can appreciate... it's schizophrenic mixed messages.

I failed as a mother.

Is another one of the girls pregnant?

'Cause if so, just put a pillow over my head and press really hard.

No, no, no. No one's pregnant.

I just... I can't explain feminism to Eve.

Well, you probably need a man to do it.

Watch it.

The reason Eve doesn't see the world that way is because of the incredible job you have done as a mother.

What?

With the way you handle yourself, you almost make being a female an asset.

Almost?

Come on! You know what I'm talking about.

No, not really, I don't.

All these girls see is an incredibly bright, tough woman who has no limits.

Well, that woman sounds great.

We should get her to talk to Eve.

Mandy: Dad!

Okay, I've been racking my brain for something we can do together, and I've finally got it.

All right, I'm... I'm on board. What?

Remember ping pong Saturdays? Ping pong Saturdays.

Ping pong! Ping pong!

Ping! Pong!

(Laughing) Hey!

I got to go plan an outfit.

Ooh, maybe something with white polka dots.

You'll never find the ball.

(Laughs)

That's funny. Yeah.

I thought you hated ping pong Saturdays.

I did. I really did.

You know what? You're a good dad.

Want me to help you bring that ping pong table up from the basement?

No, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Well, you'll k*ll yourself if you try to do it alone.

Yeah, I'm banking on it. I'm banking on it.

Whoo! This is bringing back some memories!

Man, I put some beatings on you back in the day!

(Laughs)

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, I'm surprised you wanted to play with me again.

You and me both.

(Taps table) Okay.

You remember the rules? You know, loser buys ice cream.

Yeah. Hope you brought your wallet, loser!

Okay, my serve. All right.

Oh!

Ohh! Man.

You still got that weird serve.

All right, 1 serving zero.

Yeah, a big zero. Ready?

Ah, man!

What are you putting on that, a little spin?

Dad, come on. What are you doing?

I'm getting my ass kicked just like I usually do.

Your serve.

I'm not a little kid anymore. You don't have to let me win.

Yes, I do.

As annoying as you are when you win, it's worse when you lose.

Excuse me. I'm not gonna lose, old man.

Now, I want you to try for real.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do!

I'm gonna b*at you for real.

No, you aren't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you a chicken?

(Clucking)

What is that? What are you doing?

Playing right-handed. Why?

Because I'm right-handed.

Serve the ball.

All right. Lucky sh*t.

Yeah.

Like to see you try that again.

Serve again.

All right. I will.

Stop cheating!

It's not cheating.

Yeah. You are.

You're using a left-handed paddle in your right hand.

That's called cheating.

I'll go left-handed. How about that?

I wasn't ready!

You served.

I hate this game!

That's why I let you win.

Hey, mom, what's up?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I'm just catching up on some stuff that happened a million years ago.

Ancient history.

You know, back in those days, they would print these books one at a time using a potato they carved.

Mom, I know we've been having a disagreement, but...

I really do respect you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe too much.

Too much?

You have a PhD.

You were the vice president of an energy company.

Those cookies were awesome.

No, I get it.

I'm great. Great, great, great.

You think there's nothing I can't do.

Well, you're not that great around black people.

My mom was great, too.

She's the first woman in our family to go to college.

And you will go farther than both of us because you'll probably wind up a four-star general.

You seem to be listing good things in an angry tone.

I don't get what you're so worried about, mom.

I am worried about your daughter.

My daughter?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I did so well that you think there's nothing left for women to fight for.

And since you're doing even better, your daughter will probably end up losing some of these things that we worked so hard to get.

That's not gonna happen.

It could.

What's that you always say in battle?

If you're not advancing... You're retreating. Yeah.

(Sighs)

All right. I'm all ears, Mrs. Selleck.

What's the matter? You're not eating.

This used to be your favorite part of ping pong Saturday.

Yeah, that's 'cause I was celebrating my victories.

I'm only here today 'cause you dragged me.

Yeah, I drag my daughter out to eat ice cream.

What a monster I've turned into.

Why would you let me think that I was good at ping pong when I was little?

You always say people should earn what they get.

Yeah, but maybe you weren't the only one getting something out of it.

What does that mean?

Maybe I wanted to spend time with you.

And unfortunately, we learned today when you lose, the games get a lot shorter.

Yeah.

I know. I'm a bad loser.

(Scoffs)

You'd think I'd be better at it with how much practice I've had lately.

This is still about Donna Karan?

You've got to let that thing go, honey.

I just... I can't believe I marched into her office and demanded that she get to know me.

What was I thinking?

It's called taking a big swing.

Yeah, well, I whiffed.

Yeah, but you know what? It took courage.

And the one thing about courage, you either have it or you don't.

And you have it.

Really?

You came home from New York more determined than ever, right?

Yeah, I am.

That's right. And you didn't quit.

That's something we have in common. We don't quit.

Yeah. But that might be the only thing.

Well, it doesn't have to be the only thing.

You want to go rafting?

Oh, my God, no.

But thank you for asking.

Hey. Look at that.

Hey, guys.

Pull up a seat. Sit down.

No, we're gonna grab our own booth.

We have got a lot to discuss.

Yeah, mom and I are actually gonna take a trip of our own.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

To Susan B. Anthony's birthplace.

Oh, can we all go?!

Or Peyton Manning's birthplace.

No, no, no, honey. We discussed this.

Uh, mom, I'm a woman fighting for my rights.

Yeah, no, no. Well, we talked about this, and it's not gonna be...

Mom, wait.

Still arguing?

Hillary Clinton continues to cause trouble.

46, 12, 28.

What do those numbers mean?

That's my high school locker combination.

Now I remember.

Actually, 46, that was Richard Nixon's percentage when he lost the race for California governor in 1962.

But the dude bounced back.

He became president, opened China, created the E.P.A., and made more recordings than Frank Sinatra.

12 is the number of book publishers that rejected Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead."

(Chuckles)

She wound up selling 6.5 million copies.

Now, 28 is the embarrassing number of interceptions Peyton Manning threw in his rookie year.

Now he holds virtually every NFL passing record, all achieved while not once passing on an offer for a TV commercial.

One thing is guaranteed in life, folks.

You're gonna get knocked down.

The way you pop back up is what makes you great.

Ayn Rand, Mikey? Really?

Atlas shrugged, and so did all our customers.

You should bet on people.

They're smarter than you think, Ed.

What's this?

That's Maria's number.

What?

Call her. What would I say to her?

It doesn't really matter. Just make the call.

(Sighs) You're right, Mikey. You're right.

I'm gonna start by telling her that after putting her through college, she's got a hell of a nerve not speaking to me for 10 years.

Well, the important thing is I'm getting along with my family.