05x07 - The Dad Hat

[bunniefuu]

The Parachute Adams is your classic fly.

Now, the key is to stack your calf body hair to make your post.

See, Boyd? This is why I prefer to just sh**t fish.

Can we?

No, we're not gonna sh**t any fish.

You're not helping.

I'm trying to teach you about patience here.

Well, then, get to it!

I don't like being patient.

Nobody does. It's a learned skill.

What do we call people that go willy-nilly through life, just doing things because it feels good?

Democrats.

Attaboy.

Hey, Kyle, found your phone.

Oh, thanks. I knew I left it in your car.

Ooh, I have eight text messages.

Oh, t-those are from me. Don't read that.

"Good night, Kyle."

"I said, 'good night, Kyle.'"

"where are you, Kyle?"

"Are you with that girl who lives across the hall?"

"If you're not with that girl, text me."

"I knew it! You bastard!"

"Oops, I just found your phone. L.O.L. I love you."

Wow. That was the worst fight we ever had.

Kyle, for Wendi.

Okay.

I'm hoping this week is the week.

I thought you and Wendi broke up.

Oh, they did.

She wants nothing to do with him.

Yeah, but he sends her flowers every week in a desperate attempt to win her back.

Thank you, Kyle.

But, um, if Wendi isn't interested, why do you keep sending her flowers?

I'm hoping she'll come to her senses and want to get back together again.

I can help you, Ed.

I have some experience as a love doctor, and, um...

All right.

...I'm willing to make a house call to Wendi.

All right, then have at it.

But be careful. She's a biter.

God, I miss that about her.

Slow down.

Is that really true?

Yep. They just float to the top, and you scoop them up with a net.

We're not fishing with hand grenades.

(Knock on door) Come in.

Oh, I am sorry. Mike, you got a second? Yeah.

Go get the rest of the fishing gear.

Fishing gear... no weapons.

Now I understand why people drink when they fish.

What's up, Ed?

Dallas. We've got a problem.

(Chuckles)

It's actually "Houston, we got a problem."

But, uh, nobody says that anymore.

The manager of our Dallas store just fired the consultant of our Outdoor Man Grill.

Another one?

What, are they throwing these guys up in the air and going, "pull"?

That store opens in a month.

We need to get the right person in there.

I need you to please fly to Dallas and hire somebody.

That's my anniversary. Vanessa's gonna hate that.

Oh, I'm sorry, but what better gift to give the lady who spent 30 years with you than your absence?

Our marriage works because Vanessa likes spending time with me.

I probably lost you on that "our marriage works" part.

You never had me.

But, uh, you're going to Dallas.

Hey! Ooh!

How was fishing?

It was all right. I caught a nap this big.

Your mom's gonna be here pretty soon.

You've got to go wash up, okay?

Do I have to?

You pick your nose with those dirty fingers, worms will lay eggs in your brain.

I don't pick my nose.

Well, then, you have nothing to worry about, do you?

Ooh!

(Laughs)

Did you get my text?

No.

Ed wants me to go to Dallas this weekend.

What? It's our anniversary.

Has it been a year since I forget it last year?

What is going on in Dallas?

They fired one of our consultants... another one... that we're doing for the Outdoor Man Grill.

That guy is Texas toast.

The man lost his job, Vanessa.

Sorry. (Chuckles)

Uh, so, what, you're gonna just hire somebody else?

Well, we figure if I go down there, the manager will try a little harder to play ball.

Or run me over in his 4x4.

Kind of a hard guy to read.

Hi, guys.

Hi, sweetie.

How'd my little fisherman do?

You know, if he'd stop screaming every time he saw a fish, we might actually catch one.

I'm going to check flights to Dallas.

Okay.

Flights? What's going on?

Well, there is a problem with the restaurant in Dallas.

Oh, man, I should have said, "Dallas, we have a problem."

Please tell me they fired another consultant.

A man lost his job, Kristin.

Sorry.

No, what I mean is, dad should hire me as the consultant.

Look what I've done with the Denver Grill. Well, I don't know.

I mean, your dad said it's a real mess down there.

Yeah, I know, I know. I've heard, okay?

But that is not gonna stop me.

But Outdoor Man has 20 stores.

If I can open the place in Dallas, maybe I can open a restaurant in every branch.

Well, it would certainly be a big step for your career.

And dad has shown so much faith in me, and I would love to help him with this.

This could be huge!

I'm so excited! My baby going to Texas!

Aw!

Oh! (Laughs)

Dallas, we do not have a problem.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Kyle, I'm a love doctor. It's a real thing.

(Doorbell rings)

This is usually when Wendi yells, "go away, Kyle."

My self-esteem takes a huge hit.

But then the mailman walks by and says, "good morning," like he really wants me to have one.

That helps.

(Doorbell rings)

You opened the door.

This is great for my self-esteem.

Save it, Kyle.

I only opened the door because I saw Mandy out here, and I was worried that something might have happened to Ed.

Something did happen, Ms. Grayson.

Somebody broke his heart.

But it wasn't a heart att*ck.

No.

Okay, bye.

No, wait! Listen.

At least take the flowers.

Ed went to a lot of trouble handing them to Kyle.

If he would have paid this kind of attention to me when we were together, we might still be together.

You need to give him a chance to explain.

Look, it's obvious you still love him.

You came to the door because you were worried about him.

(Chuckles) Yeah. I'm a human being.

He's okay, right?

I mean, you can't go by what he says.

You got to look him over.

Just have dinner with him.

I can tell he has deep feelings for you.

You can see it in his eyes.

It's really strong in his good eye.

What?

All right, if having dinner with him will stop this cavalcade of flowers, I guess I can do it.

Great. And that leaves you all day to work on that attitude.

Let's go, Mandy.

Remember, Mr. Alzate said she's a biter.

Hey. Read my mind.

Oh, one's for you.

Well, you almost read my mind.

(Chuckles) You busy?

I'm a very important guy, Kris. I'm always busy.

What can I do for you?

I heard you need to hire a new consultant for the Grill in Dallas.

I have the perfect candidate.

You know Chuck Norris?

It's me.

Oh.

Kind of a letdown after the Chuck Norris thing.

Um, you know, honey, I don't think that's a very good idea.

What? Why not? Come on!

I can handle some Texas good ol' boys.

These aren't good ol' boys. These are Texas bad ol' boys.

You heard the term "sweating b*ll*ts"?

They actually sweat b*ll*ts.

I know it's going to be tough.

But I am ready for this challenge, dad.

Come on. Give me a sh*t.

I appreciate you trying to help me out, but I'm not gonna send my little girl into that wood chipper.

I am not your little girl anymore.

You don't have to hold my hand.

Look, you're not going down there.

That's it.

Who's saying this... m-my boss or my dad?

Because my boss would let me go down there and try and prove myself.

But I-I don't think he can, because my dad is trying to protect me.

He sounds like a terrible guy, your dad.

Well, if you are not gonna let me take chances in my career, it's gonna hold me back.

Sometimes, I wish that you were my dad or my boss, but, you know, not both.

Yeah?

Sometimes I wish you were my daughter or a pain in the ass, not both.

I understand, Kristin.

Of course you're upset.

All right. I love you, too.

You, uh... you want me to give your love to your father?

All right, I will anyway.

I just don't understand you.

If you'd had the guts to say that to the gardener, we'd still have that hedge out front.

Kristin could do a good job in Dallas!

She's an intelligent, creative, capable woman.

Just like her mother.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not gonna get out of this by complimenting me.

Why? You look great when you're all steamed up?

(Sighs)

(Laughing) Stop, stop.

Now, wait, hey.

My point is, it is hard enough for women to get ahead.

You can't hold Kristin back just because you're her dad and you want to protect her.

If I weren't her dad, she would have been fired maybe eight months ago.

What? Why?

You're always saying she's doing a great job.

Yeah, as the manager.

But putting together a restaurant's more complicated.

She dropped a lot of balls I had to pick up.

Well, she didn't tell me that.

She didn't tell you that 'cause I never told her that.

Well, since when are you so shy about telling the truth?

I mean, there's a reason why I never ask you if I look fat in my skinny jeans.

Because you make every pair of jeans look like skinny jeans.

(Laughing) Just stop.

Look, all I'm saying is you are always telling me how the kids need to learn to take their lumps.

Yeah, but in Kris' case, I thought she'd taken enough lumps.

And she was just getting her confidence back, and I didn't want to take that away from her.

You're a good dad.

I know, but does that make me a lousy boss?

The thing with Mike the boss and Mike the dad and Mike the person is he's always talking straight to people.

And then he lets them make their own choices.

Yeah, Mike's a terrific guy, isn't he?

Yeah.

Is that all you got out of that?

I'll call Kris.

Good. Ah! Okay.

You can compliment me more now if you want.

You know, I don't like to waste it unless you're really mad at me.

Hey, check it out.

Wow!

Yeah. Mr. Alzate wore this suit in his third wedding.

Like my third wife, it's beautiful and expensive.

The difference is, I get to take it to the cleaners.

Okay, uh...

Something's missing.

What is it, what is it?

Oh, Kyle, you're gonna k*ll me.

Flowers.

Oh, no worries.

I love getting flowers for other people.

And I don't care that nobody ever gets me flowers.

But if they did... hint, hint... daffodils.

Kyle, flowers.

Okay.

All right. I tried to make it as romantic as possible, but it's a little hard with all the dead animals.

(Laughs) You've done great.

The important thing is that I get to tell Wendi how I truly feel and give her this.

Oh! That's so...

Ordinary.

This is a special swan, Mandy.

Yeah, we saw it at a flea market in New Mexico when we were deeply in love.

She admired it, so when she wasn't looking, I bought it.

I was going to give it to her for her birthday, and then she... she broke up with me.

And tonight, you're finally giving it to her.

That's so sweet.

I'm gonna smash it right in front of her smug face.

Uh... Come again?

Well, she broke my heart, so I'm gonna woo her back and break hers like a cheap glass swan.

That's terrible! No wonder she bit you!

I've been plotting this for months.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I did all of this so you two could patch things up.

And I can't thank you enough, Mandy.

Listen, Ed, I have a confession to make, okay?

I am not actually a doctor.

Oh.

But I do know love, and I can see that you still love Wendi.

It's... it's just an ember now, but if you fan it, you can turn it into a flame.

Well, your work is done now, Mandy.

I'll take it from here.

I'm not gonna let this happen. I'm gonna tell her.

That's very brave of you, knowing I spend months plotting revenge against people who wrong me.

Hello, Eddie.

Hi, Wendi.

Come in, please.

Everything looks so beautiful.

Well, thanks to Mandy.

She wants to make sure we have the perfect evening.

Don't you, Mandy?

Yes.

But if one of the dishes is cold, it's not my fault.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'm making a bouquet for Mr. Alzate to give to Wendi.

I'm trying to pick flowers that say "take me back."

You know what these flowers are saying right now?

"Put me back or you're fired."

Hey, Kris, can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, absolutely, Mr. Baxter.

But, uh, I think "Kris" is a little familiar for the workplace.

From now on, I would prefer "Mrs. Vogelson."

Yeah. It's smart to pick the name they call you at work.

If you leave it up to them, you will not be happy.

We are having a conversation, bonehead.

(Chuckles) I picked that one.

I found the others to be, uh, a bit pejorative.

Listen, I know it's hard to separate your role as my boss from your role as my father, so I'm just trying to make it easier.

All right, kid, I understand what you're doing, but can you go with something else besides "Mrs. Vogelson"?

That sounds like bad fish sticks.

The important thing is, from now on at work, I am no longer your daughter.

Okay. Got it.

But right now I want to put my dad hat on.

You're the boss, Mr. Baxter.

Not Mr. Baxter. I'm your dad right now.

And as your dad, I do want to encourage you to push yourself, to take risks.

So if you really think you can do this job in Dallas, I say you go for it.

Are you serious?

Yes, absolutely.

Oh, my God!

Dad, that's... that's fantastic!

Oh, no. No hugs.

I-I just put my boss hat on.

And if you'll notice, I have got it turned around to look younger.

And as your boss, I want to let you know that when you set up this restaurant, you made some mistakes that I had to cover for.

I never heard about that.

That's generally what they mean by "covered for."

Kristin, you missed a bunch of deadlines.

You didn't return calls. You pissed off the inspectors.

They pissed me off.

Right, they piss everybody off. They're inspectors.

Do you know how I handle them?

I'm nice.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to be nice?

(Chuckles)

I'm getting a little picture right now.

If I did such a bad job, why don't you just tell me.

Well, I was trying to be nice.

And do you realize how hard it is for me to be nice?

So you're afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes in Dallas?

You go down there, and you mess up, they're gonna fire you, and there's no hat I can put on that will help you.

I understand.

Can I think about it?

I want you to think about it.

Then I want an answer from you as soon as possible, Mrs. Vogelson.

I hear laughter.

It sounds like they're having a good time.

Are you sure Mr. Alzate's secretly the devil?

I don't know. He could just be a helper.

Like the Santa thing.

I don't know.

I think Mr. Alzate's a good man.

He wouldn't hurt anybody on purpose.

Except for that time he threw me off a raft for whistling.

(Both laughing)

Nobody could ever make me laugh the way you do, Eddie.

Well, I keep a joke book in the john.

(Laughs)

I spend a lot more time there these days.

Oh, I love it when you flirt with me.

I have something for you.

Is that from New Mexico?

Yep.

You bought that for me?

I didn't think you were paying attention when I pointed it out.

You were so busy saying, "if this is New Mexico, I'd hate to see the old one."

(Laughs) I remember that.

And now I'm going to...

Wait.

You're not gonna believe this.

I got you something too.

Come on.

This is from that same flea market.

(Laughing) Yeah.

I knew you wanted it.

You couldn't stop playing with it.

Well...

Well, who could?

Clothes on...

Clothes off.

Come on. This is the greatest thing ever.

(Laughs)

(Chuckling) Look at that.

Oh, look at the two of us getting along.

I miss this.

It makes me wonder why we ever stopped.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I remember.

Yeah, you dumped me.

Well, I'd really like to give it another try.

What do you think?

I'll tell you what I think.

(Glass shatters)

(Gasps) He broke the swan!

This is worse than the raft.

Ed, I can't believe you... you're kissing.

(Clears throat)

I can't help it. My embers got fanned.

This one came leaping across the table.

Look, we broke a wine glass.

Aw! I'm sorry. I thought... wait, look. Look what Eddie got me.

(Gasps) That's so... Beautiful.

I know.

Look, a lady in a bathing suit.

Oh. I'm sorry, ma'am.

(Knock on door) Come on in.

Okay. That's great. Thanks.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. Which hat are you wearing?

The daughter hat or the employee hat?

I am wearing my daughter shoes.

I don't look so good in hats.

I always have time for my kid.

Just take an hour off your time card.

I was all set to tell you how unfair it was that you hid my screw-ups when we were opening the Grill.

But I realized that anybody else would have been fired.

So here's my resignation letter.

Are you resigning as my daughter or my restaurant manager, 'cause I'm getting very confused.

You gave me the sh*t and you helped me out 'cause you're my dad, and I love you for it.

But from now on, I want to succeed because I've earned it.

You don't have to do this. You're doing a great job.

I don't want this.

Yeah, I know. You're gonna need to take it.

'Cause I'm putting on my business shoes now.

I would like to submit my résumé for the newly vacated manager's job you have here at the Grill.

Look at that. It's a real résumé.

You really like your symbolism, don't you?

I think you will find that I am more than qualified.

And I'm sure my old boss would give a recommendation.

The guy loves to hear himself talk.

Does this mean your new boss can still hug you when the night's over?

Ooh, as long as he does it with the other employees.

I think that'll make Kyle very happy.

Welcome back.

Okay.

Hey, but, dad, I want you to know that the next Grill that opens, I'm gonna want a sh*t.

If you think I'm ready.

I think Dallas is just the beginning.

I think there's a lot of cities out there just clamoring for weird meat.

Ed: Mikey.

I want you to be the first to know.

Wendi and I are back together again.

You're gonna be seeing a lot more of me, Mike.

Joke's on you.

I was just about to poke out my own eyes.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Not him... me.

You know, when George Mallory was asked why he wanted to climb Mount Everest, he said, "because it's there."

And the reporter must have said, "thank you, sir, but I-I have a whole column to fill."

Whether it's a mountain or outer space or a job promotion, our human spirit has always pushed us towards greatness.

It's why we have air travel, the Internet, and in cawker, Kansas, an 18,000-pound ball of twine.

(Chuckles) Take that, China.

Wow.

We want to teach our kids to go for it, but too much ambition can be dangerous.

Just ask George Mallory's widow.

The tough balance for any parent is providing a harness to keep our kids safe without taking away the victory of the climb.

Now, all we can do as parents is give them enough information to make smart decisions and outfit them in the same equipment that this handsome stud uses.

"Mike Baxter: Rogue Nation".

Like Tom Cruise, I do all my own stunts.

I use Outdoor Man climbing gear.

Works for me, it'll work for your family.

If it doesn't, we also sell some pretty amazing first aid kits.