05x13 - Mike and the Mechanics

[bunniefuu]

♪

Ah, here she is... my beautiful daughter, up and ready to explore this wonderful day!

Mom, I swear, if you keep up with this fake-happy crap, I'm gonna lock myself in my room.

Did you hear that, Muffin?

She's not very happy.

"What? Maybe if I lick her face, that'll help."

Oh, Muffin, you always know what to do!

(Smooching)

Ugh! Even the dog is embarrassed.

(Sighs)

Eve, you know something?

I know you're upset about not getting into West Point, but you can always reapply.

Oh, yes, because it felt so good when they told me they didn't want me, I just want them to say it again and again and again.

Hey, look at the bright side.

You got into a lot of other really great colleges.

Right, so why can't I just move on?

I mean, if dad had turned you down for marriage, I'm sure there were plenty of other losers you would have loved to spend your life with, right?

I don't know what your father's been telling you, but he asked me.

So your life's been perfect. Congratulations.

Come on, come on, honey. It's winter break!

Don't you want to get out of the house and do something?

Mm, nope, I'm good.

The shows may change, but the butt placement will stay the same.

Mm. Wha... Wow. The weirdest thing just happened.

A bird flew in and took your doughnut.

All these crumbs you see are a result of the struggle.

I'm worried about Eve.

You know, she hasn't snapped out of her funk, and she just sits in there on the couch all day.

The deadlines for the colleges she did get into are coming up really fast.

So you think it's time I stepped in.

Well, I think we should talk about it, come up with a plan, and then...

I got this.

Well, honey, wait... uh, just...

Be gentle, okay?

She's really fragile right now.

Honey, you know me.

Okay.

Eve. Eve, get your ass off the couch.

You're going to work with me.

What?

Yeah. Your mom's tired of you moping. So am I.

Either get ready right now or I'm taking you in your pjs.

Let's go. Come on. I'm not gonna go to work with you, dad.

Okay, fine. That's a good choice.

Get some duct tape, I'll get a hand truck. Let's go.

All right, all right, all right. Fine, fine, fine.

Can I at least finish the Cheerios in my robe pocket?

Okay, fine!

I'll go, but I'm not gonna do anything or talk to anybody.

That's my job. You got to work up to that.

Go on. Come on, come on, come on!

Let's go! I got to get going here!

That was gentle?

Honey, you knew what you were getting into when you asked me to marry you.

I...

♪

Okay, I came to work with you. Can I leave now?

With that attitude, you'll fit right in around here.

What are we doing in the service center?

Looking for my newest and least favorite employee.

Hope you're not talking about me.

Hey, Eve.

Hi, Mr. Leonard.

Well, what brings you here?

It's "bring your pain-in- the ass-daughter to work" day.

When I'm sad, that's the kind of stuff my dad says to me.

Listen, I'm not getting any repair reports upstairs, so I can't get reimbursement from the manufacturers for the warranty work.

Are you using the iPad?

You mean that fancy Etch a Sketch thing?

Yeah, the $700 Etch a Sketch thing.

When I hired you to fill in, you said you knew how to use one of these.

I do. Right.

Makes a great coaster.

It also makes a good camera.

You take a picture of the repairs you're doing, then you send one up to the server and cc it to me.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down, Harry Potter, huh?

I got a better idea.

Why don't I bring my camera to work? Okay.

I'll take a picture of the job. Oh, good. Yeah.

I'll go down the drugstore. Right.

I'll get the picture developed.

I come back here, I take my pen, I fill out the report.

What could be simpler than that?

Using the iPad.

Is this how he motivates people?

Eh, he's pretty much all stick and no carrot.

Know what I mean?

You know, I like this kid.

Good. Why don't you keep her?

Listen, as a matter of fact, Eve, I got a job for you.

I want you to teach Joe here how to use this coaster.

Aw, come on. Don't make the kid do that.

Wouldn't you rather be at the roller rink or maybe at the malt shop?

(Vocalizing)

Uh... No. I've got time.

Archie and jughead are busy, anyway.

Listen, from now on, Joe, my daughter's gonna be your gal Friday.

It's, like, an 80-year-old reference.

I'm sure you'll understand it, all right?

Okay, look, so, here's what you got to do.

(Scoffs)

You just press this button...

(Camera clicks) And there's your picture.

It sounds complicated.

How do you get through life not knowing this stuff?

Quite well, thank you.

You know, I like life simple. That's why I'm a mechanic.

Look... something's broke, you work on it, you fix it, and at the end of the day, you felt like you've done something.

Yeah, well, if you take a picture of it, at the end of the day, you'll have a job.

All right, look, I'll give it a try.

Look, I'll tell you what... you taught me something. I'm gonna teach you something.

You know the candy machine in the hall? Yeah.

You tip it all the way to right, free kit kats.

Want me to show you?

Hellz yeah!

♪

(Sighs)

Hey, babe.

You know, I'm feeling really sick.

I probably shouldn't have dinner with Kyle and Mandy tonight.

Stupid flu, you know?

(Chuckles)

Well, that's how you're gonna fake being sick?

Those acting classes at the community center are not paying off.

Come on. Mandy is my sister, okay?

I want the four of us to be close.

Can't you just do stuff with her?

I mean, I like Kyle, but we have nothing in common.

At least your dad gives me material for the message boards on Huffington Post.

(Knock on door)

Look, I think Kyle's in this family to stay, so it would be great if you found some way to connect with him.

(Scoffs) You know what? You're right.

This is important to you, so I will try hard.

Thank you.

(Laughs)

Those acting classes are paying off.

Hey. Come on in.

Thanks. And as good guests, we brought you guys a gift.

Kristin: Ooh! Oh, my God.

That's "Steel Angel", Volume 1. This is a classic.

Uh, actually, the wine is the gift.

Brought this to read in case I got bored.

I didn't know you liked comic books, Kyle.

(Chuckles)

Both: "Graphic novels."

You know, I love how the characters grapple with the dilemma of vigilantism in a nonlinear format.

Yeah. And I love how they can pick up cars.

Hey, I've got Frank Miller's "Dark Knight Returns" set bagged and boarded.

Do you want to see it?

Can I? Go.

I, uh, didn't know Ryan was a comic book nerd, too.

Yeah, I didn't, either, until after the wedding.

Hey, I'm glad that they found something that they both like.

It'll make it easier for us to hang out more.

More? Oh, I thought this was a one-and-done.

Cheers.

What are you talking about? W-we're sisters.

Yeah! We're lucky. We don't have to hang out.

Hey, um, let's get this dinner rolling.

Kyle and I have plans with friends later.

Hi.

Hey.

(Door closes) Ooh!

Salami, mortadella, provolone... that looks like your happy sandwich.

Yeah.

Be a lot happier if somebody had remembered to buy mustard.

But I did buy you dinner.

So why are you having a sandwich?

I told you... I'm going over to Joe's.

We're gonna put a 428 in his GTO.

Well, if all that car gibberish means I don't have to make dinner, then whoo-hoo!

You're having the happy sandwich.

Does that mean things went well at Outdoor Man?

Yeah, Eve's back among the living.

You know, we sell g*ns and a*mo, but Outdoor Man is a place of healing.

Thank God.

It's hard to feel like a good mom when your kid spends all day in her bathrobe eating breakfast out of her pockets.

Well, she's back to her old self.

She's having so much fun at work, I let her stay late.

Chuck's bringing her home right now.

Well, thank you, Mike.

Maybe now I can get Eve to sit down and pick out a college.

Hey, Evie.

Good evening, people.

(Laughs)

Hey, Evie. How was work?

Great.

On lunch break, I won 8 bucks sh**ting dice with Felipe.

You won 8 bucks?

Go get me some mustard.

Joe was actually really helpful.

He gave me a ton of advice on college.

Oh, that's nice. Where did Joe go to college?

He didn't.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to, either.

I'm gonna be a mechanic.

(Laughs nervously) Uh-oh.

Mike, I don't care what this Joe says.

She is not gonna be a mechanic. She is going to college.

She's a little lost right now.

She's just jumping at the first thing that came along.

Lucky I didn't take her to a men's club.

(Laughs)

We need to go talk to her!

No, no, no, no. Wait.

It took her two weeks to get off the couch.

Let's not do anything to put her back on the couch, honey.

Oh, so we can't talk to Eve, but Joe's gonna have her ear for eight hours tomorrow.

I'm sure that'll turn out well.

All right, all right, tonight, when I go over there, I'll talk to Joe and tell him to keep his opinions to himself, and I'll do that while I've got the engine on a hoist right over his head.

♪

Hey, Mike! Hey, Joe.

Glad you're here.

Now I got somebody to bitch to about my idiot boss.

Well, what a coincidence, 'cause I've got an employee who's acting like a jackass.

Is it Felipe?

Did you have a long conversation with my daughter?

Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something.

That girl has opened my eyes to a whole new world of technology.

Let me show you this video I found.

Look at this.

You see this here? Look at this.

It's a monkey giving a cat a bath.

I mean, it's... how does that friendship even start?

You know, Eve's got quite a future ahead of her, and what I'd like to do is let her parents do the parenting.

W-well, what's that supposed to mean?

She comes home after talking to you and doesn't want to go to college.

She wants to become a mechanic.

So what's the big deal, Mike? College isn't for everybody.

You know, that's the thing with you pointy-headed elitists, you know?

You're so far up in your ivory tower, you can't see what's going on.

Elitist? What tipped you off?

That I brought a sandwich in a bag?

You know, you Ivy League guys are all alike.

You all think you're so great.

You know something?

I'll bet the only time you've ever been in a tent is...

When you occupied Wall Street.

I'll have you know I did a photo sh**t in the Himalayas.

Look, I slept in the carcass of a dead goat.

Let me guess... the goat was cashmere.

Damn it. Yeah, it was.

My daughter's dream has always been to go to West Point.

And just recently, she got rejected.

Oh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't know that.

You know, she's real vulnerable right now.

Obviously real vulnerable... she's taking advice from you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mike.

I get it... that's why you want her to go to college, so she can be a big Harvard snob, like you are.

That's right. She...

What? No! No, no.

I just want her to go to college.

Can we get to the part where your head is under the engine?

♪

Well, my "Avenger" comics would be worth more if I hadn't drawn devil horns on Ultron.

He is not a nice person.

Technically, he's not a person.

That is no excuse for that kind of behavior.

You know what... they're having an exhibition of early '30s graphic novels at the museum.

Why don't we all go check it out?

No.

Why not?

I thought you wanted to spend more time with your sister.

Mm, yeah, then I found out that she doesn't want to hang out with me, so enjoy your cartoon talk now, because this is a one-and-done.

Uh, hey, do you want to see my Captain America shield?

Uh, do you want to see the biggest smile you've ever seen in your life?

Okay. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

(Scoffs) You didn't. I feel the same way.

The only reason we had you over is because Ryan made me.

I was gonna, like, fake the flu to try to get out of it, so...

See? We're on the same page.

(Scoffs) I was kidding.

I was really looking forward to this.

What is so terrible about spending time with me?

(Chuckling) Nothing.

Although, all this yelling at me isn't superduper fun.

When you were little, we used to do a lot of things together.

I know, and then you had a kid and you thought it suddenly made you a mom.

Yeah, it kind of did.

Yeah, but not my mom.

You were always all, "be responsible. Be careful. Put your shirt back on."

Okay, fine.

I'm sorry I tried so hard to keep you from making mistakes all of those years.

Hey. I forgive you.

You know what? Just... just go have fun with your friends.

Thanks. We will.

Ohh! And dinner was delish.

Thank you so much for wrapping it up by 8:00.

Hey, Kyle! Let's go!

Ryan said I could wear this for the rest of the night!

Okay.

Just in the car.

♪

Hi, dad.

It's "Mr. Baxter."

Um, I'm gonna go down to the garage.

Joe says he's gonna teach me how to heat a can of beans on a engine block.

Oh, great... a mechanic and a hobo.

No wonder you like spending time with him.

Actually, I don't want you going down there today.

I want you to spend some time up here in accounting.

Why? I already know what I want to do.

I'm gonna be a mechanic.

I want you to experience a lot of different things, honey.

Yeah, but accounting?

Yeah. Accountants are like the mechanics of numbers.

Yeah, but the nerds of everything else.

I bet none of them know how to tune an engine.

You don't know how to tune an engine.

Well, so I'll learn.

You've been down in my service center for one day.

What's your sudden fascination becoming a mechanic?

Well, because it just makes sense, okay?

It's simple... something's broken, and you fix it.

You don't understand, dad.

Oh, I think I do.

Hey, Eve. Eve.

Don't worry. I'll go down to accounting in a second.

Unless you've decided to send me someplace even more boring.

I don't think such a place exists.

Wait a minute. What is this? What is this?

Is this one of those bombs you got to try to dismantle with the fuse?

I got a ticking clock.

Is it the blue wire? Is it the red wire? I don't know!

At the last minute, it goes right down, and you click... it didn't blow up. Why not?

Because I'm Tom Cruise and I got six more of these movies to do.

That's why.

It's the alternator from the atv.

Joe said it's sh*t. He went to go get another one.

Yeah? Why don't you just use the one out of the snowmobile?

Um, because it's from the atv. That part wouldn't work.

Works in the snowmobile.

Yeah, well, you can't just pull a part off one machine and use it to fix a different machine.

And you can't just a pull a part off somebody's else life to make your life work, either.

Clever.

It's a metaphor.

I learned about that in college.

(Scoffs) All right. Fine.

I give up.

I won't be a mechanic.

I'll go to college.

Whatever makes you guys happy.

It's not about making us happy.

You know what this is really about?

Making you happy.

Hey, what brings you to the service area, Professor elbow patch?

I'm having a conversation with my daughter.

Give us just a minute.

Listen, it's about making you happy... dad, what if I never find something in my life that means as much as West Point did?

Whoa, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Let me step in here a minute. I got some pull with the kid.

Do you?

Sure. Let me go check on the beans.

Check on the beans, yeah.

Look, I didn't always want to be a mechanic, okay?

When I was growing up, I had a whole different set of dreams.

Yeah, but, Joe, we can't all be ballerinas.

No, I... I wanted to be a comedian.

You would have had better luck being a ballerina, pal.

Anyway, I quit my job. I drove to Denver.

I started bugging the club owner to give me stage time.

Were you any good?

I-I think I was too hip for the room.

What does that mean?

He sucked!

Anyway, I couldn't get any stage time, but the owner had this crappy '65 Chevelle that didn't run, so he paid me to work on it.

Next thing you know, other guys are bringing me their cars, and in five years, I had my own shop.

Huh.

That's a cool story.

That's a good story. It's life, actually.

Sometimes, the things you're meant to do find you.

(Sighs) All right.

So maybe I give the accounting department a day just to cross that off the list.

You might be surprised. They're pretty cool up there.

Sometimes, they round up to a zero.

I've been up there. That place is full of zeroes.

You know, you are too hip for the room.

Yeah.

Well, uh, thanks.

I'll see you at lunch, Joe.

Okay. Hey, wait, wait.

You actually wanted to be a comedian?

Then what's the job you get after that?

Like, a talk show host?

Sure. Why not?

You get to talk to beautiful women, you sit behind a desk, and you work, what, an hour a day?

You're right.

That's some kind of job.

You'd have to be an idiot to walk away from that kind of job.

Still better than being stuck on some stupid sitcom.

♪

(Knock on door)

Hi. (Imitates laser fire)

Oh. Okay.

What are you doing here?

I mean, I know we didn't have dinner plans 'cause we're never doing that again.

Come on. You and me are going out.

What are you doing?

Something fun, with my sister.

Look, Ryan told Kyle and Kyle told me that you were upset.

There was a lot of "Marvel vs. DC" talk, but I got the picture.

It's 8:00. I can't...

Oh, my God. It's so early.

(Laughs)

Holla!

Okay. Rule 1... you can't say "holla!"

Oh. So now you have rules.

Just that one.

And you have to be willing to get a little crazy.

More importantly, don't freak out if I get a little crazy.

Can you handle that?

(Laughs)

Yes.

You know, we're both adults now, so...

Oh, but I have to stop and get some cash first.

Second rule... Mandy and her hot friend never pay.

I'm your hot friend?

Try to act like you've been there before.

Now, let's go find a cute top to go with those mom jeans, eh?

Hey! Come on.

Hey, there. How was accounting?

Learn anything?

Uh, don't sh**t dice with them.

Those guys are sharp.

When did my store turn into a casino?

Look, I know you guys have been anxious for me to make a decision about college, so, uh, I've been thinking.

Yeah? Did you make a choice?

I did.

I'd like to take some time off to figure out what I want to do with my life.

(Sighs) Eve, I just... I just think that's a waste of time.

No, it's not.

I want to try different jobs, do different things, see if there's something good that finds me.

Mike?

I think it's a good idea.

You do?!

I think if you search, you're gonna find that you're good at a lot of things.

I hope.

Calm down. Calm down.

Honey, honey. Come on. She's in a weird place.

Give her some time. She'll come around.

I hope so. "Take some time off"?

It's only our child and her future.

Vanessa, if you'll recall, I took a year off.

Yeah. And just think of what you might have become.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

People often ask me, say, "hey, Mike.

What are you hoping to find out there in the wild?"

Maybe just a quiet place where I don't get asked annoying questions.

You know, I think most outdoor types are continuing the lifelong search for who we really are.

And let me tell you... if you think you've figured out who you are as a teenager, you might end up being a teenager your whole life.

You know, and I've met those guys.

They keep telling me about their fantasy football team.

I don't care!

Nobody cares!

I've always been more interested in late bloomers... you know, the searchers.

Harland Sanders kicked around Kentucky pumping gas and selling insurance till he opened his chicken restaurant at 65 and promptly promoted himself to colonel.

Because let's face it... no one's buying a bucket of chicken from Private Sanders.

Laura Ingalls Wilder didn't write "little house on the prairie" until she, too, was in her 60s.

You know what she was doing before that?

Trying to stay alive on the prairie.

Even in the Bible, Abraham didn't get that divine facetime call from God until he was 75.

But he moved his people to Canaan and fathered children with both his wife and his housekeeper.

Boy, simpler times, huh?

So, if you're a young person who's not exactly sure where life is taking you, that's okay.

You know, we can't all be Barack Obama and have our first job be president.