05x19 - Outdoor Woman

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Kyle.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Yeah, I was having a nice conversation with Terry in sporting goods.

Uh, remind men again... man or woman?

Oh, uh, woman, sir.

Damn.

Would you apologize to her for me, please?

See if... see if you can get her to wear some kind of a lady hat or something.

Hey, morning.

Whoa! Check out, Mr. B!

Nice threads!

Uh-oh, did somebody die?

No, we're having a meeting with Billie Cassidy this morning.

Should be here any minute.

It's my lucky deal-making tie.

Lucky I wore it.

I just talked Terry out of a lawsuit.

Oh.

Well, you look very sharp, sir.

Thank you.

Well, anytime you're meeting an old flame, you... you have to present well, huh?

That's why I always keep a crisply ironed shirt in my car just in case I run into Helen Mirren again.

Uh, wait a minute.

Did I hear that right?

You used to date Billie Cassidy?

Really? Helen Mirren gets me nothing?

I don't know who that is, but I'm guessing she's not a world-famous rock climber like Billie Cassidy.

She and I went to university of Michigan together.

I was unpacking my bow, carrying it up to my dorm room, and she looked at it.

She said, "is that a compound bow?"

And I said, "sure is."

She goes, "it's for sissies!"

I looked right at her.

I said, "yeah, go to hell!"

Next thing I knew, we were making out in front of a bunch of hippies.

Helen Mirren is an academy award-winning actress!

Okay, well, unless she also once set her own broken leg with an axe handle, I'm still on team Billie.

There you go.

I need you to dazzle her, Mikey, all right?

Climber's World wants Billie's brand... A-and so do we.

This thing could be huge for us, so don't be afraid to, you know, walk her down memory lane, hmm?

Yeah.

Billie and I had some great times.

I think that's the only girl I ever dated that liked climbing, hunting, and sh**ting more than I did.

Oh. That was years ago, and, you know, time has a way of rounding that stuff off, you know?

Speak for yourself, sissy!

Go to hell!

Ah, you got to hell.

So, as you can see, from the water-sports area to camping, fishing, hunting, and g*ns, everything in Outdoor Man is top of the line.

Wow, very impressive.

Well, thanks.

But kind of sad.

W-why is it sad?

Well, the Mike Baxter I knew used to use all of this stuff, and now you're just walking around with a goofy tie on and pointing at it.

I'm wearing this because somebody d*ed.

Hopefully before they saw it.

Come on.

I've field-tested every single thing in my store, except maybe the hand warmers.

If my fingers get that cold, I'll just snap 'em off.

"Snap 'em off."

Well, it's good to see that an old desk jockey like you gets out into the wilderness every once in a while.

Yeah.

You, your photographer, and your hair-and-makeup team.

I think my reputation's safe.

I've done everything outdoors a person could possibly do.

Oh, I remember.

Except for that one time you thought a bear was watching us.

You know, a bear was watching us.

Ooh! Looked just like your dad.

It did!

Don't say that to your... there they are, there they are!

Just look at you two.

The old sparks are still flying, huh?

Oh, yeah, luckily, everything on this floor is nonflammable.

In our partnership, I'm the closer and Ed's the guy I apologize for.

And I'm the one shopping for his own jet.

Ooh!

So, are we ready to make Outdoor Man the new home for your brand?

Well, it's a great store, Ed, but so is Climber's World.

Hmm. What do you have that they don't?

Me! Ah.

Was he always like this?

No. He used to brag a lot.

Okay, I'm not bragging.

I love this stuff.

I know how to sell this stuff.

I have a big presentation I'd like to show you upstairs, so if you will?

Mike, this is me.

You know I like things simple.

Just tell me what you're thinking.

Okay. All right. All right, all right.

Uh, broad strokes?

Outdoor Man welcomes outdoor woman.

Sounds good. All right, so, we go back to the five peaks that you climbed that made you famous, right? Yeah.

With the best adventure photography group available.

Yeah, we'll put it all in a special online edition of our catalog that features your complete line of gear.

Then we will live-stream your last climb, and maybe, if we're lucky, there will be a dramatic fall.

You ain't gonna get that lucky.

See what I mean?

Yeah, I like it. I really do.

See, you didn't have to do that big dog-and-pony show.

You're really good, Mike.

And yet he's the one shopping for a jet?

Hit we where it hurts... my immense wealth.

I love the concept.

I just would like to make one little, bitty change.

I can make a little, bitty change.

Okay. The best outdoor photographer that I know of is you.

So I think it should just be you and me on this trip.

Alone? Yeah.

Yeah. Just like old times!

Except, of course without the bear.

Yeah.

Billie, I think that's a terrific idea, and so does Mike.

I...do.

Then I'm ready to sign on!

Wonderful!

We'll get that catalog online before the summer climbing season.

Sounds great.

Guys, I got to get out of here.

Mike, I look forward to getting on the cliffs with you again, and if your hands get cold, I'll snap 'em off!

Way to sell, Mike!

Okay, the hard part's over.

Now the easy part.

Just go home and tell my wife that I'm gonna go on a road trip with my old girlfriend!

So, uh, why aren't you guys having this yard sale at your place?

Uh, "a," no yard, and, "b," in our neighborhood, 2 bucks for a chair is pretty steep.

You know what?

Wherever you do it, it's a good idea, you know, fresh start.

Perfect time to throw out your entire wardrobe.

Yeah, it's mostly just household items.

Oh.

I know it's hard to get rid of stuff, but in feng shui, it is important to clear your meridians and keep your energy flowing.

They also say there's no msg in the beef and broccoli, so...

VHS tapes?!

Wow!

And I thought your clothes were dated.

Whoa, those are the hockey fights I taped off TV when I was a kid.

We can't get rid of these.

Yeah, I'm sure we can't.

But we have to try, you know, keep those meridians flowing.

So, how much are you asking for these?

Well, who knows? Because you can't put a price on memories.

Sure you can. Watch... nickel.

Look, babe, there's stuff that I want to keep, too, but we both agreed to do this.

That's what I love about the fashion world, you know?

When something or someone is old, you just...

Throw it away.

I didn't think it was gonna be this hard.

Yeah, me either.

Hey, maybe it would be easier if we had someone sell the stuff who isn't emotionally attached...

To anything.

Let's talk commission.

Hey. Hi, honey.

Hey! Hi!

So, how was it seeing the old girlfriend, huh?

She still wearing your I.D. Bracelet?

Ah, so funny... for you.

I think it's so cute how you dressed all fancy for her.

Was she impressed?

Of course she was.

And you were wrong about the tie.

She loved it. Oh.

But get this... I closed the deal.

Oh, nice! Yay!

Congratulations.

Thanks. Good.

She loved my pitch about doing the photo sh**t for the catalog.

Yeah, I thought that was a really smart idea.

Yeah, she's all pumped up about taking the trip.

We all are. I'm going, too.

What's for dinner?

You're... you're going?!

I thought we were talking about dinner.

Well, wait. Hold... wait.

I mean, what happened?

You never talked about going before.

I know. It just came up today.

Are you all right with this?

Well I mean, I'm surprised you are.

I-I'm not going on a trip with my ex-girlfriend.

I mean, isn't that gonna be a little awkward?

Not as awkward as this conversation.

I mean... I know it was a long time ago, but after a breakup, there's always hurt feelings.

Oh! I see where you're going.

Yeah. No, not in this case.

We actually never broke up.

We're not gonna eat dinner, are we?

So you never broke up with Billie.

Well, this is an interesting story I never heard.

Well, it's actually no story.

She quit college, moved away, I started listening to Jackson Browne, drank, and then I met you, so... Are we cool?

And this is the woman you just asked to take a trip with you around the world?

No, no, no. I didn't ask her.

She asked me.

She asked you?

Yeah, she thinks the trip needs my personal touch.

Oh, really? Well, p-professional touch.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. No touch!

Right. There's no touching!

Geez! Don't make a thing about this.

What thing?!

Uh, the thing about the college girlfriend you never broke up with or where she wants to sleep with you in a little pup tent?!

There... there's no correct answer to that quiz.

Mike...

I'm not gonna cheat on you, Vanessa.

I know that.

I saw "Fatal Attraction." I know how affairs end.

Boom, boom, in the bathtub.

And we just re-tiled.

Honey... this is not gonna happen.

Listen, honey, I'm not worried about you, but Billie...

She never married, right?

Right?

Well...

So, in her mind, there might still be a relationship.

Oh, come on! What's with women?!

If a guy doesn't call you in 30 years, it's over!

Listen, honey, honey, you need to talk this through with her... for your sake and for hers.

You don't want to be trapped with an upset woman on a Mountain where you can't just walk into another room.

Yikes.

You need to find out if she is still in love with you... and if she is, you need to give her some closure.

You want me to break up with a woman I haven't dated in 30 years!

Or we can just stand here and keep talking about it.

I'll be in the other room.

Hold on, hold on!

Is that you, Mr. Larabee?

You look 15 years younger in that hat!

Yeah!

And that's not just 'cause that's how long ago people were actually wearing those.

I don't know.

I-I just don't know if the hat says "Chuck."

Mm.

Well, if it was a talking hat, I'd be selling it for more than $2.

I wonder if Carol will like it on me.

Well, I can tell you who will hate it.

My dad.

Sold.

Oh, rats!

I'm sorry. I forgot.

That hat is actually reserved.

But could be unreserved, eh, for the right price.

Okay, how much? $10.

I'll give you $3. Deal.

Ha! I would've gone as high as $5.

Ha! I would've taken $1.

Mm.

Now...

Let's you and me talk accessories, huh?

You know what those crazy hipsters who wear those hats are always carrying around with them?

Stuffed animals.

I don't think so, but, uh, lady does need a new chew toy, so, uh...

I'll give you 50 cents.

Uh, sorry.

No. That one shouldn't be in there.

Okay, 75!

It's not for sale.

Mandy... sell the man the stupid bear.

That stupid bear is a gift from me.

You want someone with no emotional attachment to anything?

Look in the mirror.

Nice piece of theater!

I'll give you a dollar just for that.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Billie. What's up?

Hey. Oh, no tie.

I like it!

You always did get more handsome the less you had on.

Yeah. Right!

All right, so, let's start planning this trip!

Good deal. Let's do that.

You know, I had one question, though, for you.

The other day, you said something about you and me taking the trip.

What'd you mean "you and me"? What exactly did you mean?

Oh, I'm sorry. That... that was confusing.

Yeah.

What I meant was just you and me.

Are all the questions this easy?

I'm just saying that I've got a really good crew, and I'm not sure it's a good idea for us going out there alone.

Oh, I am!

I know it was a long time ago, but when we used to climb together, it was really magical.

And we can't get that with a bunch of people around.

Right. Well, speaking about stuff that happened a long time ago, I was just telling my wife, I-I don't think, technically... We ever broke up.

Well, that's true.

So I guess you're cheating on me with your wife.

You little two-timing rascal.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I was... I was telling Vanessa, my wife, you know, the woman I'm married to that, uh...

The feelings between us have just kind of faded away.

Oh, I don't know about faded away.

I was pretty ticked off at you when I got back and heard that you had met somebody.

I kept hoping that it would end, but, eventually, I got the feeling that it wouldn't.

'Cause I got married.

That was a big clue.

Yeah.

But look at us after all these years, getting back together...

Mm... Hitting the road, just like old times!

Ah, or new times where I'm married!

Why do we keep talking about your wife?

We got a trip to plan.

Oh, and don't forget.

When we're not camping, let's find a real comfortable hotel that we can stay in.

You might remember I like a real soft bed.

I do remember that!

Okay, so... So, what's the first destination, huh?

Your office!

Come here for a minute.

So Billie's still in love with you.

That's fantastic!

The chemistry will really make that ad campaign pop!

If I was still going on the trip.

Uh, what are you talking about?

I'm not... uh, it's not like anything's gonna happen between you two.

I mean, the loyalty to your wife borders on the pathological!

So, what do we do about Billie?

You want me to manipulate the woman's emotions just so we can sell climbing gear?

Let me think, all right?

Yes.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do, yes.

Ed?

Oh, all right.

Of course not, of course not.

I just... I just don't want to lose her business to those idiots at Climber's World!

A long time ago, you and I agreed never to put profit before people.

Yes, well, that was before we were making any profits.

Now that we're successful, maybe we should update that.

I think the reason we are successful is we didn't update that.

You're annoying. You know that?

Eh...

Okay.

Gonna let her down easy, Mike?

Well, that's my intent.

And if it doesn't work...

Name the jet after me.

Mandy, calm down.

I didn't sell the bear.

Why not?

It obviously means nothing to you.

Why don't you toss it in the fireplace?

Monster.

I forgot you gave this to Boyd.

You know how many of these we have in the closet?

Sometimes I grab one just to mop up a spill.

You really don't remember that thing?

I'm trying, but my memory is a little...

Fuzzy-wuzzy!

Sorry.

I didn't give it to Boyd.

I gave it to you.

Ohhhh.

This is that bear?

Okay. Are you just saying that, or do you really remember?

I remember perfectly.

You gave me this the day I found out I was pregnant.

I was terrified to tell mom and dad.

I thought my life was over, but...

You and I talked all night.

Yeah, it was a really special memory for me, but I guess it wasn't for you.

Oh, t-the bear was sweet, but...

What I'll never forget is the note that came with it.

Yeah, right.

It said, "this isn't the end of your life.

It is the beginning of a great new one."

Lucky guess.

Hmm. Oh, what's that?

Here.

You kept it?

Yeah.

When I have a bad day, I read it, and it makes me feel better.

I read it a lot.

Wow.

I already had beautiful handwriting.

Hey, thanks.

Means a lot that you kept it.

You know, when I gave you that, it... it had eyes.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Boyd pulled them off.

He... he went through a phase where he thought his animals were staring at him.

Mm.

He's a weird kid.

Yeah.

You're not gonna get 50 cents for a blind bear.

Uh... No, but this bear isn't for sale.

Some parts of the past are worth holding on to.

Aww.

Yeah.

Just... Just nothing you wear.

Oh, hey. He's back.

Before I say anything else, I'm gonna tell you, I'm not going on that trip with you.

What?

If this means you're gonna sign with climber's world, so be it, but I don't think it's fair to go on a trip with you alone when you're clearly in love with me.

Sweetheart, who are you talking to?

W-who's that?

That's Gordon, my fiancee.

Oh.

Gordon, say hi to Mike.

Uh, hi, Mike.

H-hey... Gordon.

Nice to meet you.

I wish I'd met you yesterday!

Honey, I'll call you later.

Love you.

That was to him, not to you.

Mm-hmm.

So, that's cool.

Fiancee, yeah.

How big is the dude?

Oh... About average.

Great.

For a Navy S.E.A.L.

I feel like an idiot.

Let's get back to this itinerary and just put all this behind us, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Let's roll around in it for a little while.

You know, I'm really flattered that you thought what we had was so special.

Was it really that good for you?

Well, I just know how hard it is to get over a guy like me.

How about we start with Mount Temple?

Mike...

I hope I didn't do anything to lead you on.

You know, it's that accent of yours.

Everything you say sounds like flirting.

Oh, I don't know about that.

There you go again. Damn, we're on a hayride!

Look at that!

And you were willing to bust this whole thing because you were worried about my feelings?

Well, just 'cause we're in the past doesn't mean I don't care about you.

Well, that's good to know.

And, also, I didn't want to have any bad feelings between us when I'm hanging on a rope that you'd be able to cut.

You know, I didn't go with climber's world because...

They've forgotten that the business is all about the people.

Yeah, we don't forget that around here.

I can tell.

That's why this kind of place is where I want to call home.

Great.

And sorry about this.

No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

Welcome aboard! Thanks.

Oh, Mike!

Deal's back on, gentlemen!

Don't worry, Vanessa.

I'll take it real slow to keep Mike safe.

Oh, you know, I think I'll be all right.

I'm spry enough to keep up with you.

Yeah, he hurt himself picking up the paper yesterday.

That's 'cause it was stuck in a hedge.

That was a very dangerous hedge.

There are no dangerous hedges in the mountains.

You know, Eve was a good rock climber, too.

Mm-hmm. Oh, is that right?

Oh, well, yeah.

I spend more time on my music now.

Well, it shows.

That song that you played us before dinner was beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just trying to let her know how difficult it is to get in the music business.

Well, some people pull it off.

And with a voice like Eve's, I think she's got a pretty good sh*t at it.

But what do I know about the music business?

Vanessa, I loved dinner!

You're beautiful.

You can cook.

You're quite a catch.

Oh, you are so sweet. Thank you.

Honey, she's not hitting on you, that's just her accent.