06x03 - Where There's Smoke, There's Ire

[bunniefuu]

Vanessa: Anyway, that's probably more detail than you need.

But the point is the teachers' union has bent over backwards to try to solve this thing, and the school board has just dug in.

You know who suffers?

Me.

The students.

The students... aren't they supposed to be the most important thing?

They're the reason I became a teacher.

But, no, it's like everybody's forgotten about them.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I hear that diaries are still a thing with your generation.

Do you want a pen?

I think I fixed the barbecue grill.

Oh, Dad, thank God!

Oh, Mom needs to vent about her union strike-y thingy, but I have to stop listening.

Listen, listen. Sit down.

No, come... Sit, sit.

I actually cannot listen to your mom vent.

No, but you have to because you married her.

I just walked into the kitchen.

I literally can't listen to your mom vent. Vanessa.

Well, over the years, your father and I have come up with a healthy way of dealing with these situations.

Yeah, we don't deal with these situations.

Okay, how is that healthy?

Sometimes, I just need a sympathetic ear to listen to how I'm feeling.

And your dad, bless his heart, can't help but try to fix things.

That's me, the annoying tool man just trying to make things better.

You've heard of that book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

Oh, the follow-up...

"Why All the Crap on Venus is Still Broken."

(Chuckles)

And we're just different, so we have a pact.

When I want to share my feelings, I find somebody else to talk to.

And I try to get out of the house quick so I don't try to fix something.

Yeah.

It's how a good marriage evolves.

You should remember this when you marry Kyle.

Yeah, totally unnecessary.

I don't have any problems, and Kyle doesn't have any solutions.

Perfect.

See, she already doesn't want my advice, just like her mother.

Ah.

So, good luck with whatever's bothering you.

Yeah, thanks, sweetie.

So, where was I?

Oh, my God.

If I don't know, are you gonna start over again?

Hey, you better be on fire out there.

Relax, Dad, I'm not smoking.

I'm vaping.

Oh, that's nice.

At least you're not doing something that's just bad for you, but it looks stupid, too.

It can't be unhealthy... Tons of celebrities do it, and they know how to take care of themselves because their lives are more important than regular people's.

Yeah? Google Nick Nolte.

Look at his picture. He's 26 years old.

You don't get it 'cause your generation's smoking was all gross tobacco, and ours is made of water and is good for you.

Come on, get rid of that thing before your mom gets home.

She's going through enough stress with that potential strike thing.

She doesn't need to see her daughter toking on a kazoo.

Okay, well, here's an idea.

Just don't tell her.

What... no.

Hey.

What, uh... what's going on?

She's smoking one of those vape pens.

(Coughs) Narc.

Seriously?

Mandy, you are way too smart...

Mandy, this is really bad for you.

Here's the thing... no, it's not.

It's basically just water, and hydrating is healthy... scientific fact.

Really?

We have a scientist right here.

Why don't we ask her?

Yeah.

(Scoffs)

Come on, give it to her.

Not fair.

Just lay out the facts and suck the joy out of it, just like you did our trip to the Grand Canyon.

All right.

Look, look, as a scientist, I can tell you that this is not just harmless water vapor.

There you go.

And no matter what form it's delivered in, nicotine is a vasoconstrictor.

Honey, honey.

And beyond that, the liquids used are polluted with chemical additives.

And not the delicious kind they put in hot dogs.

But they're still safer than cigarettes.

There are studies.

No, you're the study.

Your generation are the guinea pigs.

We... We won't know how sick these things can make you for another 20 years.

By then, we're using jetpacks.

You don't want to be too sick to fly around in one of those.

This could also be a gateway to cigarette smoking.

Yes, a horrible addiction.

Yes.

You know, when I was a grad student, I started having a cigarette every now and then just as a stress reliever.

And before I knew it, I was hooked.

Held tight in its velvety grip.

Living for the sweet release of that first morning drag.

It just melts all your troubles away.

Now I want a cigarette.

Just don't do it. It's bad for you.

Okay, but I'm 22. I can do what I want.

No, you're living in our house, and we're paying your health insurance.

It's doesn't matter if you're 42.

Which is how old you'll look if you keep vaping.

That is literally the meanest thing you've ever said to me.

Let me make it simple.

Give me your house key or give me the vape pen.

Ugh.

Oh, and for the record, I will not look 42 until I am well into my 60s.

Just unbelievable.

Uh... Well, look at that.

Solving problems.

You want to take a sh*t at the strike thing?

Well, I really don't think that's something that can be solved, but if you want to talk about how it makes us feel...

Nah, I got to work on that grill.

You are not going to believe this.

You finished remodeling the basement?

Oh, no, not even close, no idea what I'm doing.

Oh, my God.

A safe?

Uh-huh.

And I checked online... whenever you buy a house, whatever's inside of it is yours.

So, it's our safe.

Absolutely, according to the landmark Supreme Court decision Finders v. Keepers.

This is awesome. What do you think is in it?

I don't know, but it's probably something really valuable, like journals or letters or maybe an unpublished manuscript for a novel.

Ooh, we could spend the rest of our lives reading.

Come on, think big... it's a safe.

There could be silver or gold doubloons.

Okay, I'm just saying there are different kinds of treasure.

Yeah, but the best kind of treasure is actual treasure.

How do we get in it?

I don't know, won't budge.

(Sighs)

Ryan, there could be absolutely anything in there.

I know. It is such a great feeling.

It's even better than when we pulled up the carpet and we found hardwood floors.

It's just so frustrating.

I mean, I became a teacher to teach, not to paint a stupid sign and march around chanting.

I teach art, dance, and music, so that's pretty much my job description.

Well, if there is a strike, I know who's making my sign.

(Laughs)

Boy, you really think this could happen?

Mm. I hope not.

Those poor kids will miss out on so much class time.

Oh, and we're about to cover parabolas, their absolute favorite.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Uh, is this book club tonight?

'Cause you might need some more members and, um, a book.

(Laughs)

Mike, you remember Sheryl from school.

Yeah, of course.

We sat together during that awful spring concert.

She's, uh, she's the music teacher.

(Clears throat)

Ah.

When I say "awful," you know, it's awf... full of awe.

You could say it that way.

No offense taken.

Oh, by the way, that tent you sold me sucks.

Thank you so much for the glass of wine.

I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow.

Bye, Sheryl.

Bye.

So, um, what meeting?

I joke about your wine, but I don't think you have a problem.

(Scoffs)

The, uh, the union is voting on a strike authorization.

I was up half the night worrying about it.

I almost woke up Mandy to vent.

I've been having a terrible, terrible week at work.

Oh, is your fancy leather chair making that "squeak-squoosh" sound again?

Well, I know I'd explain what's going on, but you'd have to understand, you know, kayaks.

But, uh, you know, it would help me if you were to take me up to the cabin so I could get my mind off that terrible kayak.

Oh, that would help you, huh?

Right, or what would be great is, uh, you know, a spa day.

I really could use a mani-pedi.

Honey, you're very sweet, but I don't need a spa or a cabin getaway.

I will figure this out on my own.

All right.

Just stay away from my feet in bed because my nails are like little, tiny machetes.

Why were those people cheering when the strike vote passed?

These kids can't afford any time off.

Well, neither can I.

The last strike lasted 52 days.

Ugh.

I had to go get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Which is a super-fun place to run into your students.

I didn't know you smoked.

I'm not judging. At least you look cool.

Well, I've been trying to quit, but it's rough.

I hear vaping is supposed to be safer?

Well, it's, uh... it's basically just water, and hydrating is healthy.

There are studies.

Hm. I might have to give that a try.

Yeah, well, it's definitely the way to go.

I mean, you don't want that monkey on your back.

You know what? You're right.

I am gonna go buy one of those pens.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Vape life.

(Sighs)

Okay.

Hey, Mr. Alzate, I think you'll be proud.

I set up that new line of sleeping bags, reordered the crossbows, and told a teenager to pull up his damn pants.

Well, it's nice to have someone older than me around.

I'm glad you're spending your gap year with us and not traipsing around Europe.

Well, Europe's overrated.

It's nothing but old churches and foreigners.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, Ed, uh... you're rich.

Do you have a safe?

Yes, I do.

But it's wired to explode, so don't get any ideas.

Ryan and I found an old safe in the basement, and we don't know how to get into it.

Well, you could either call a locksmith or drop it off a cliff onto a coyote.

No, do not call a locksmith.

You don't want a total stranger finding out you may have a safe full of valuables. No, no.

Why can't you just tell Ryan there's an endangered salamander in there and watch him claw through it?

What you need is someone who knows locks.

Here, watch this.

Kyle.

What are you doing?

Hey. You wanted me, Mr. Alzate?

Yes, I accidentally locked my keys in the office again.

(Chuckles) No problem, sir.

Do you mind?

Sure.

There you go.

There you go.

Kyle, we are one munitions expert away from knocking over a casino.

Young man can get past any lock.

My mom used to lock me out of the house a lot.

Yeah.

Hilarious.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, son, I need you to cr*ck a safe.

I see.

Are we going back to your ex-wife's house again?

I mean, what deed to a lake house?

(Exhales sharply)

(Spritzes)

Ooh.

(Sniffs)

(Door closes)

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome home. Good, oh, yeah.

Mm, okay.

So, you're smoking.

Damn it.

How did you know?

You smell like Febreze has a new scent... burnt sock.

You know what? It's... It's not a big deal.

What about all that stuff you told Mandy?

All that boring scientific stuff... that sounded pretty bad.

I'm only smoking to help me get through this strike nightmare.

Smoking is not a solution to a problem.

It's a new problem.

I'm not happy about it either.

It just feels like something I need to do.

There's other ways you can eliminate stress in your life.

You can have sex with your husband.

Then I'd want a cigarette.

You give me a lot of credit.

Mike, you're trying to fix it.

You're breaking the pact.

No, no, the pact is null and void when you go crazy like sticking a Febreze sheet in your bra.

Look, I'm not your child.

Really?

You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do.

Oh, yeah, just watch me.

You can't smoke.

Oh? We're done talking.

Oh.

I'll be in the backyard.

(Laughter)

Hey, guys, you know when you have happy hour every day, it just turns into sad hour.

I would've invited you, Mike, but you're usually in a rush to go home.

Not tonight.

Vanessa is smoking.

I don't like to comment on other men's wives, but since you opened the door...

Yeah, she's a hottie. Yeah.

I would never peg Vanessa as a smoker.

Yeah, she hasn't smoked a cigarette in like 30 years, but this teachers' strike has her like climbing the walls.

It's driving Carol crazy, too.

She started kickboxing again.

That's why I'm staying late.

I hate her smoking, but what am I gonna do?

Ugh, one day my dad caught me smoking behind the garage.

(Chuckles)

Never piss off your dad near a rake.

When my father caught me, he made me smoke two packs of Pall Malls, one right after the other.

Does that actually work?

Like a charm, yeah.

I was a loyal Pall Mall smoker for 25 years.

They're all good ideas, you know?

But I don't think we got a working strategy yet.

It's not like it's one of his kids. It's his wife.

I... I understand. Give her a clear choice.

Stop smoking or we're through.

Great, from a guy who's making four alimony payments.

When a woman has a problem, that's when you know a marriage is over.

I don't think I'm gonna divorce my wife over this.

I just need to find a way to tell her that I really hate it.

Then what are you sitting here with us for?

You smoked Pall Malls for 25 years?

Your dad hit you with a rake?

This really is sad hour.

(Clicking)

Second number is 31.

This is so exciting.

Isn't it?

Let me check.

Yep, very exciting.

Oh, I can't wait to see what's inside.

How are we gonna divvy this up?

Ooh, uh, let's see... the people that own the house get it, and the people that don't... don't.

Hmm, well, what if it's something you don't really want, like old pistols or a job. (Chuckles)

14. We're in.

Oh, you know what's exciting?

This feeling right here, right now that anything could be in there.

It's like Christmas morning.

Yeah, except my mom's not passed out in the manger.

Are we sure that we want to open it?

I don't know.

Ugh, how long have you two been down here sucking up asbestos?

Just open the safe.

All right, Kyle, open it.

Oh, no, wait, don't open it.

You're right, open it.

Ooh, wait, mm.

Okay, just do it.

It's empty.

Well, this sucks.

Now it's like Christmas.

I guess we just like not knowing better.

Wait. What's that up here?

It's a key.

Key to what?

I don't know.

But there's got to be something amazing in it.

Yeah.

Like, it's so valuable that they had to put the key in a safe.

Like, if it's a book, it's a really rare book.

And if it's money, it's a lot of money.

We're still gonna try this on every lock to see, right?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Hey, slick.

I saw you palming that key when you reached into the safe.

What are you up to?

They were having so much fun just imagining what was in there, and now they have that again.

Well, that's pretty sweet of you.

Where'd you get the key?

Oh, I've had it for a while.

It's to Mr. Alzate's safe.

Hey.

Hey.

Is that our wedding album?

Yeah, we're gonna have to tear up that pact we made and do that venting we don't do.

Oh, really?

Really, are you capable of sitting quietly and listening while I share my feelings?

No.

You're gonna sit quietly while I share my feelings.

But won't that make you die?

(Clears throat)

Uh, "Vanessa, today is the happiest day of my life."

Wait, wait, wait.

Why are you reading your wedding vows?

Zip it.

I'm sharing.

"Today, I ask you to be my wife, my equal, to bring to my life the part of me I never knew was missing, the part that will make me whole."

That was such a wonderful speech...

Honey.

It's not easy just to sit there and listen, is it?

"I will share you laughter and your tears, your dreams, and your fears."

I had no idea that rhymed until just now.

Still so beautiful.

Pipe down just for a minute.

"And I promise that I will love you every day of your life, and I will protect you from anything that tries to harm you."

I hate that you smoke because it makes me feel helpless, and then I can't do what I vowed to do.

All right, well, I have sat quietly long enough.

So, what are you gonna do?

You got to talk. Now I get to fix this.

You know, you should share your feelings more often.

You are pretty good at it.

Only with you. Don't tell other people.

That would make me die.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

Hey, check out my big buddy here.

The western black rhino.

3,000 pounds of cranky, pissed-off muscle.

Hey, you'd be grumpy, too, if God put a spear coming straight out of your face.

Just ask Barbra Streisand.

For 50 million years, nothing fazed this ugly bastard.

Drought? I don't need no stinkin' water.

Ice age?

Hey, wooly mammoth, fur coats are for sissies.

So why is the black rhino extinct?

Because they fell prey to the most dangerous predator of all... horny humans.

Yeah, a, uh, "far eastern" business man decided crushed rhino horn could put some lead in that tiny pencil.

You know, like the ones you use on a golf scorecard.

That was that.

His horn became a problem.

The rhino couldn't get rid of it.

He didn't evolve.

So, buh-bye.

It's just like a marriage, really.

If you and your spouse have a problem and you don't evolve, then your marriage will be like this Rhino and exist only in pricey photographs.

On sale all this week at Outdoor Man's Decorating Den.