06x04 - Boyd will be Boyd

[bunniefuu]

(All groaning)

Dad, you make the best ribs on the planet.

Thank you, baby. My secret is whiskey.

When I'm cooking, I drink a lot of whiskey.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can never enjoy feasting on the flesh of a creature as intelligent as a pig.

Pigs aren't that smart.

Only one in three knows how to build a house out of bricks.

Still, I'll stick to Mike's delicious greens.

Which I cook in bacon grease.

Ah, hey, thanks again for letting us have Boyd's birthday party here next weekend.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Hey, I even made goody bags.

In fact, they came out so good, one might even call them "great-y" bags.

Why didn't I go away to college?

Your mom went to college, and she still says stuff like that.

Yeah, we wanted to have the party at our place, but the yard's not big enough for the bouncy house.

Bouncy castle.

Boyd, we've talked about this.

I'm not comfortable with bouncy castle.

It glorifies an oppressive class system, so if you want to bounce, you're gonna have to do it in a sensible house.

You know, Ryan, there's a point when even Karl Marx would slap you.

Yeah, I still can't believe everyone is burying the headline about Boyd's birthday.

Right, right. You know, there just might be an appearance by Vaness-o.

The clean-up-can-be-fun clown.

Uh, that's not a headline, Mom.

That's a nightmare.

Look, it's a Baxter family tradition that on your 10th birthday, you get a r*fle and go hunting.

Really?

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'm sorry, what?

A g*n? Hunting? No. Absolutely not.

Well, Vaness-o, do you want to clean up this little mess?

Look, I don't want Boyd thinking that v*olence is fun.

Now I'm gonna go outside and figure out where to hang the Donald Tr*mp piñata.

You said you were gonna say something to him about this.

Yeah, well, I was.

But then I realized, I don't really like arguing with Ryan and you do, so tag.

You're it.

It's getting harder and harder to put weapons in the hands of children.

I'm not changing my mind, Mike.

Boyd's not going hunting.

Look, I was gonna talk to you about this.

I just wanted to find the right time, but... I don't like talking to you.

Great, 'cause there's nothing to talk about.

Actually, there is.

Getting a g*n on your 10th birthday is a Baxter family tradition.

Yeah, okay. Let me see.

It all started way back with your great-great grandfather Jebediah Baxter, who by the age of 10, had hunted everything in the forest that could walk, crawl, or sing a song.

Actually, his name was Bill, and he made soap.

All of the girls got g*ns on their 10th birthday, even Mandy, once I found a g*n that matched her top.

Hey, guys. There's pie.

Everybody here is pro-pie, right?

You're dad is trying to convince me to arm our son.

This is why I don't like talking to you.

Sweetie, "arming" is kind of a strong word for going on a fun hunting trip with your grandpa.

Wait. What? Sorry. You're okay with this?

Some of my best childhood memories are hunting with my dad.

You bond, learn patience, respect for nature.

Okay, but why does it have to end with a dead animal?

Because that's the fun part.

And it's a tradition.

It always made me feel really special.

I am so sick of these Baxter family traditions.

Can't we just have totally new traditions?

Maybe you should look up the definition of tradition.

Look, you can make the call on this one, and I really don't like arguing with my dad, so tag.

You're it.

Great, you are not taking my sweet, innocent son into the woods to slaughter an animal.

If you tell him he can't go hunting, he's gonna know it was fun, then he'll resent you for not letting him go.

That's ridiculous.

No, no! Like he would if he wanted to take ballet.

You say no to that, he'll probably wear a tutu the rest of his life.

He's already taking ballet lessons.

Dear God, let him hunt!

(Laughs) Wow!

Kyle, you've been watching me do this for the last 20 minutes, and you keep saying, "Wow."

Yeah, because it keeps working!

Hey, Mom.

Yeah?

Um, will you wrap Boyd's gift for me.

Hey, wait till you see what your mom can do.

Wow!

Mandy.

Yeah?

You're giving your 10-year-old nephew a deviled egg platter?

No, I'm giving him a flying saucer!

Whooo!

With sleeping pods for 12 aliens.

You don't want to give Boyd something from your shower.

Uh, yes I do. I just don't want to wrap it.

So, uh, did you and your dad pick out a song to dance to at the wedding?

No, Mom. Ixnay on the father-daughter dance...

Nay.

Okay, what? And why?

Because that leads to talking about the mother-son dance, and Kyle doesn't have a mom, Mom.

Try to be sensitive.

You are so sweet, Mandy.

But it's okay. I mean, I have a mom.

I just don't know where she is.

It's fine. It's like, um... like "Where's Waldo," you know?

Yeah, but except Waldo's my mom, and Waldo is hammered.

Kyle, you should get some time in the spotlight, too.

I mean, I'd be happy to dance with you.

Oh, that... No, that's okay.

What? Are you afraid I might out-dance you?

Mmm, no.

He's not. No one is.

Come on.

Come on, Kyle. You deserve this.

You can pick any dance you want.

Come on, you can't say no.

(Sighs) Well, okay, but only if we can do the Argentinean Tango.

Okay. Uh, I'm game. Is it hard?

Well, if you don't know how to do it, I mean, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no.

I got this, all right.

I learned the chicken dance in, like, three days, so...

Any chance you want to do the chicken dance instead?

Oh, boy.

I think this is my favorite part of the birthday party... when all your friends are gone.

(Gasps) What is it?

It is a deviled egg tray.

It's for eggs that are evil.

Cool!

Yeah.

I'm gonna open the big one now.

Whoa! It's a g*n!

Oh, my God!

Mike, what were you thinking?

I didn't get him that. I thought our gift was the yard.

Eve, what were you thinking?

I wouldn't give him that baby g*n.

I'd give him a good-old 12-gauge.

You know, something he can grow into.

It's from me.

Ryan, you gave Boyd the shotgun?

Yes, I did.

Wow! You spent 10 years setting up that surprise.

What other surprise do you have?

A "Make America Great Again" hat filled with pork chops?

Honey, did, uh... did you know about this?

Yes, but he asked me to keep it a secret, like that time he told me he thought Sarah Palin was pretty.

Shh.

Thanks, Dad.

Your welcome, buddy. Happy birthday.

Wow. Today, a boy in our family became a man.

Congratulations, Ryan.

(Chuckles)

Oh, put it down, put it down, put it down.

No. Hey, hey.

You can't touch that until you take the g*n safety class at Outdoor Man.

Where we sell this g*n for a whole bunch less than this.

All right. Well, let's start cleaning up.

Pass.

Okay, well, do it with me, or do it with Vaness-o.

Okay, Boyd. Let's help.

You did good, honey.

Yeah, you really did.

Uh... sorry. I didn't mean that to sound so surprised.

(Chuckles)

What are you up to?

Nothing. I realized you were right.

See, if I don't let Boyd hunt, it's always gonna be the thing he wants to do most in his life.

This way, I let him go, I even get him the g*n, and for once, I'm not the bad guy.

But you're so good at it.

There may be a flaw in your little plan.

You don't want the kid to go hunting.

Oh, he won't.

See, he likes the idea of hunting, but once there's an actual living animal in front of him, he's not gonna be able to pull the trigger.

100 years of Baxter tradition says you're wrong.

He's not gonna hunt, Mike.

Well, I say he will.

And we'll figure out who's the winner when we're cooking up that pheasant he and I bag.

Oh, no. I am going with you 'cause I cannot wait to see that look on your face when he ends the Baxter tradition of blowing holes in living creatures.

All right, all right. Even better.

That way, we won't be just bagging a bird, we'll be sh**ting down your hopes and dreams, and that's what I will be having for dinner.

Here we go.

Thank you so much for the dance lesson, Ed.

Am I your first student?

(Chuckling) Oh, no.

I once taught a Russian bear how to dance... against it's will.

Well, I will try to "bear" with you without "Russian" it.

I still have Mishka's muzzle, so don't make me use it, all right?

I brought my music.

Your music means nothing to me, all right?

We start with fundamentals.

Oh, but I just need to learn...

(Whistles) Mnh-mnh.

Feet move, lips do not.

We begin.

Square up. That's it.

Slide your foot, just step.

No.

All right, turn your hips just slightly.

No.

Am I getting it?

(Chuckles) No.

Look, let's try, perhaps, a little movement.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

A little movement.

Simple box step.

Oh, I can do simple. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Box step, all right.

Ready, and one and ow!

One and... (Groans)

And three and aah!

Okay.

For the love of God, woman!

Am I that bad?

Not only can I not help you, I may never dance again.

If I can't do the simple stuff, how am I ever gonna learn the Argentinean Tango?

(Gasps) The Argentinean Tango?!

That's the most complicated dance in the world.

(Sighs)

People have gone mad trying to learn it.

Why would Kyle give me a dance he knows I can't learn?

Just a guess, maybe he really didn't want to dance with you.

He could've just said "No" when I offered.

He just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You know, he's like that.

But I'm not.

You are the worst dancer I have ever seen.

No, I...

Be gone, woman!

Please. Please.

This is called flushing out the bird.

Stay alert. They could fly up at any minute.

But it's not safe to sh**t until I only see blue sky behind it.

You were paying attention during all of those courses.

That's great because you'll probably be hunting for the rest of your life.

Or gathering 'cause that's also a lifetime of fun.

Hunters also gather. It's called a barbecue.

Hey, Boyd. Do you know the male pheasant has a big role in raising the babies.

That means it's like the bird version of me, you, and Mom.

The bird version of you is you.

Do you see something, Grandpa?

Now, pheasant have very keen hearing.

They heard us walking, but they get real nervous when we stop.

This is when they like to flush.

You see, they get nervous because they have an array of emotions.

(Fluttering)

He's coming up. He's coming up.

It's a living creature.

Track the bird, track the bird. Track the bird.

Connect with its spirit.

(Sighs)

I can't.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

That's okay. That's just fine.

Don't worry about it.

Yes!

I knew it.

And thanks to you, that bird gets to live to see another day.

(Sighs)

(g*nsh*t)

(Thud)

I did mention we're not the only hunters out here, right?

(Sighs) I told Boyd to journal about our big trip today.

It's gonna make an amazing entry.

Oh, yeah, that part about nothing happened.

That's gonna jump right off the page.

Oh, something happened.

You lost, and it's driving you crazy.

You know, I wish I could get you someplace where it's just you and blue sky behind you.

A barbaric-Baxter tradition d*ed today, and Boyd k*lled it... with peace.

I'm really proud of him even if you're disappointed.

I'm not disappointed in him!

The kid made a choice, and I'm good with that.

Well, now it's not as fun.

I just want Boyd to be who he wants to be, not who I want him to be.

But I get the idea had he taken that sh*t, you might have freaked out.

Please, I think when it comes to being understanding, I can pull myself up to Mike Baxter level.

You know, I'm glad you're not right very often 'cause it's really hard to take.

Yeah, a Baxter didn't want to hunt. What's next?

A woman president?

Hey, Boyd, it's time to leave. Your dad's got to go.

(Rock music plays)

Kyle.

Kyle!

(Music stops)

Hey, Mrs. B. This is so cool.

Even on Mr. B.'s day off, I still get a B.

Uh... I wanted to talk to you, Kyle.

Um... if you didn't want to dance with me because you thought I might embarrass you, you could've just told me.

(Scoffs) What?

No, I love how you dance.

I mean, everyone stops and stares.

It's like they can't look away.

(Chuckling) Yeah. I just do what the music tells me.

So, uh... So... So, why did you pick a dance you knew neither of us could do?

Well, because I didn't want to have to do that dance at all.

Why not?

Look, I know I talk about her a lot, but... (Sighs)

...my mom really wasn't as great as I make her sound.

So, the stories you tell about her are the good ones?

She wasn't always there for me.

And a mother-son dance without my mother would just be another reminder of that.

On my wedding, I... I just want to be thinking about how lucky I am.

I wish I was you mother, Kyle.

Uh, I don't think so.

Living on government handouts isn't as glamorous as Mr. B. makes it sound.

I mean, I wish I could have raised you because I wouldn't have missed one precious second of being with a wonderful boy like you.

There's gonna be a little salt in the coffee.

Thank you, Mrs. B.

I'm really lucky.

You know, I am really lucky.

And that's what I can think about during our dance.

You mean you want to do it?

Yeah, heck yeah.

But only if we can do your dance.

Do you think you could teach me?

The music will teach you, Kyle.

Just let's... let's see what it has to say.

(Rock music resumes)

We begin.

♪♪

Looks like two dogs trying to get back in a boat.

Hey.

Hey! There are my hunters. Any luck?

Oh, yeah. We got absolutely nothing.

Boyd decided he didn't want to sh**t that bird.

High-five again, buddy.

My hand hurts.

That's because they're the hands of an artist, and not a k*ller.

Either way, you still need to wash them before we eat.

Oh, and here's the best part.

We can trade in that g*n now for something that you really want.

No, it's okay.

No, we can get you that bike that you've been talking about.

No, I want to keep the g*n.

Hey, Mike.

What? Did you run out of kale over at your house?

No.

Actually, it turns out that Boyd did want to sh**t that bird, but he didn't want to upset me.

You don't say.

Yeah, so, not only am I not freaking out like you said I was going to, I'd like you to take him hunting again.

Okay.

You drove all the way over here to ask me a question you already knew the answer to.

Yeah, 'cause I wanted to see the look on your face when you saw that I was cool with it.

So, you, uh... want to say anything to me?

Not unless you have a nine-letter word that means ballet step.

It's pirouette, and come on, Mike.

Aren't you gonna give me a little bit of credit for not being disappointed in my son?

No.

Why not?

Because you are.

(Scoffs)

Yes, I am.

I mean, it is k*lling me.

Why weren't you disappointed when he didn't want to hunt?

Damn, it is pirouette!

And who says I wasn't?

You did.

Hey, I lied.

You think I want to get my ass up at the cr*ck of dawn just to watch Boyd wander through the forest like that?

I am not supposed to be disappointed in my son.

What kind of dad does that make me?

It makes you just like the rest of us.

The fact that we love out kids even though they disappoint us is proof that we're good parents.

And also the reason why we die 12 years sooner than people that don't have kids.

Wait. Is that true?

I hope so.

So, you're telling me you've been disappointed in your kids?

(Sighs) I'm the Outdoor Man.

One of my daughters is a musician, the other one makes clothes in the basement, and the other one is married to you.

Oof, those first two really let you down.

I just thought I had a sensitive son.

You do have a sensitive son.

He was out in the forest protecting the most delicate creature out there... you.

That's a sensitive boy.

Yeah, I guess he was, wasn't he?

(Scoffs) I hate that he wants to do this, but I guess I can't force my opinions on him.

That's what makes you a good dad.

Whoa, did you just call me a good dad?

(Sighs) I lied.

Ah!

Dad, chop-chop.

We got to rehearse that wedding dance.

I added a booty bump during the rap medley so (Clicks tongue)... let's go.

Booty bump, huh?

I'm a really good dad.

Hey, there. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

I know what you're thinking.

"Mike, you taught us hunting, and fishing, and climbing.

When are you gonna teach us quantum electro-dynamics?"

Maybe I already have.

Let me explain.

When a beam of light hits the water, no matter what angle of entry, light always takes the path that requires the shortest time.

Richard Feynman taught us that.

How does light know the shortcut?

It's like it's already done it.

Like it's already happened.

♪Ooh-eee-ooh ♪

Light is pretty creepy.

And very predictable.

Our kids, not so much.

No matter how hard we try to bend them to our will, we have no idea where those little rays of light are gonna go.

But that's okay.

Take the case of Jack Reagan...

A heavy drinker and even worse, a Democrat.

One night, his son Ronnie has to lift his father out of the snow and lug him into the house.

Ugh!

Even back then, Democrats expected someone else to carry them.

The good news for our country, Ronald Reagan was nothing like Jack.

Yeah, sometimes the worst thing that can happen is when a son turns out to be like his dad.

Just look at that fat kid who runs North Korea.

(Chuckles)