07x15 - Arrest Her Development

[bunniefuu]

Hey. I thought you left for work.

I'm going in late today.
I got to stop by the pot shop to go over these P&Ls with Ryan.

I always forget that place is just like any other business.

Yeah, I get reminded of that when I see that Purple Urkel is outselling Hawaii Five-Yo.

I remember when it was all just called "whatever Jill's boyfriend has."
(Chuckles)

Uh, so you will like this:

Mandy and Kyle are looking at apartments today.

You know, they say a man should never dance unless he's being sh*t at, but this is a special occasion.

(Grunts)

Did you hear that?
Like a snap or something.

Dramatic announcement.

We have found the perfect apartment

- and are probably moving out.
- (Sighs)

Darn it.

Hey, cheer up.
This place is close enough we can still carpool.

D-Darn it.

Well, anyway, I got to get going.

I'm going by the pot shop.
Honey, you need anything?

Tray pack, nickel bag, anything like that?

I've got, uh, Purple Urkel.

We got Squeeze Top Honey Bear or, uh, Lazy Susan?

Uh, you're just naming things that are on the table.

Actually, Squeeze Top Honey Bear was my college band.

And I have smoked a lot of Lazy Susan.

So, tell me about this place.

Oh, yeah. Uh, okay, it's a two-bedroom apartment.

Cranmer Park, south-facing, central heating, but no pets.

Yeah, it's perfect except for the no pets.

We were gonna get a cat, because Kyle has a laser pointer.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

Uh, well, is there parking?
Does it cost extra?

Mm, don't know, don't care.
There's a shared hot tub.

Okay, uh, you know what?
Maybe I should go with you guys.

It might be good to have someone with experience to help guide you along.

Oh, cooking classes and helping with apartments.

You're the best mom I've ever had.

Well, your dad and I have shopped for our share of apartments, so I do know the do's and don'ts.

Like do examine the bathroom, don't use the bathroom.

Okay, I'll be right back.

(Sighs) I loved everything about that place.

The closets, the porch...

Yeah, and that-that little hidden ironing board that comes right out of the wall?

Probably from a time when ironing was illegal.

You're moving out? Is this house too beautiful and free for you?

Uh, well, they filled in an application, but there were a lot of other people looking, so we're-we're not gonna get our hopes up.

Well, yeah, but the guy really liked us.

And he laughed so hard when Kyle asked why there was a diving board coming out of the wall.

Yeah, it was a funny joke by me.

I bet everyone who lives there will call you that cool young couple upstairs.

(Chuckles) No, they'll-they'll know our names, Jen.

They'll be right there on the mailbox.

Sorry, gender-neutral box.

And I'm so glad you came along, Mom.

I didn't realize there were so many things to ask about.

Well, it's important to know if there's a diner nearby.

Does the Thai place deliver?
Is the Italian any good?

Yeah, I-I guess I should have eaten before we went.

Well, now that we know what we need in the new place, let's go sort through our wedding gifts.

Oh. I hope no one gave us food.

Congratulations, you found your daughter a beautiful home.

The place she will care for you when you are dying.

Well, it was nice, but not deathbed nice.

Mandy and Kyle have never looked for an apartment before.

They were only paying attention to the good things.

Oh, what a horrible way to look at life.

(Phone ringing)

Hello? Oh, yes, I'm their reference.

Sure, I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Uh, but, uh, let me just ask you a quick thing first.

Uh, the back staircase is rickety.

I'm sure you have plans to rebuild it. Oh, no.

No, no, that is your responsibility.

Oh, and the lights flicker.

You'll need to have the wiring checked and-and possibly replaced. Hmm?

Does-doesn't even make sense.

Why would I have my wiring checked?

Hello? Hello?

(Chuckles):
Oh. Hung up.

Well, that may not hurt their chances.

Maybe everybody else's reference comes off like an injury attorney.

I was only asking the questions they didn't.

Look, if the landlord can't handle those, then he's not someone you want to rent from.

Hey, a wedding gift I completely forgot about.

An iron.

This place is so meant to be.

Let me guess.

Is there a Snoop Dogg concert tonight?

Uh, there was last week.
They missed it.

I don't have the heart to tell them.

Thanks for coming.
I need your opinion.

Who doesn't?
So what's on your mind?

Well, you saw in the P&L statement that Bud's Buds is having a good year.

- Yeah, congratulations.
- Thank you.

And I have an idea on what to do with the profits.

Oh, boy, here we go.

(Russian accent): What's on your mind, comrade?

I want to renovate the upstairs storage area and turn it into more retail space.

(Regular accent):
Wait just a minute.

That's not a dumb idea.

- I know.
- No, I was expecting a dumb idea.

- I know. Surprise.
- Wait.

Let me get my head around this.

You want to take your profits and pour them back into your business to expand.

(Chuckles) There's a word for that.

Capitalism.

Which makes you a capitalist.

- No. That makes me a businessman.
- Yeah.

- Mm-mm.
- And-and not all businessmen...

I am a good person.

Yeah. But in time, you'll be wearing a monocle and one of those big stove pipe hats.

O-Okay.
But by growing the business, I am creating more jobs, which helps my employees and the community.

Hmm. You know what I'm hearing right now?

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, capitalist."

You know, "sorry about the mess, "but the maid d*ed carrying all my gold bricks into the parlor.

"Why don't you stop by for a game

- "of gin rummy at the club?
- Okay.

"We'll have some, uh, lime rickeys "or a gin and tonic. Ta-ta, everybody!"

No. No, no, that was definitely mold.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am a scientist, which brings me to the calcium buildup in your pipe.

H-Hello? Hello? Hello?

I wonder if landlords have a message board where they talk about you.

I was just raising legitimate safety concerns.

I see.

Did you know, in the s, French workers disrupted their own factories to undermine their bosses?

These workers wore wooden shoes called sabots, which is how we got the word "sabotage."

I see what you're getting at.

And what I was doing was not sabotage.

I was simply looking out for my daughter.

Of course, Vanessa.

And I was just simply sharing an interesting fact from history.

- (Coughs) Sabotage.
- Hey.

Oh, hey.

Uh, so, um, how's the apartment hunt going?

It's going bad. "Badly"?

It's going terrible. "Terribly"?

It ain't good.

Kyle: Yeah.

We got rejected from every place we applied.

Oh. Really? sh**t.

- (Mouths)
- sh**t, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.

Yeah, at first, I thought it was my fault.

You know, people find goatees untrustworthy.

Thanks a lot, Disney villains and every picture of the devil.

But then we were like, "No, something else is going on."

And that's when we figured it out.

Did you know, in the s, French work...

Nobody likes history, Jen.

See, we were only looking at really nice apartments.

Places with amenities like a doorman or a gym.

Or a doorman named Jim.

Uh, and these places were desirable, so of course they were going to be super competitive.

But what we need is a place that's less desirable.

- What? No, w-wait. No, no, no.
- So we went to look at these apartments, and guess what.

They were super excited to take our application. (Chuckles)

Yeah, honey, that-that's because these places are all dumps.

Yes, exactly. Which means they won't turn us down.

I-I think some of these apartments even rent by the hour.

Mom, this is just a starter place.

How long do you think we'll actually be there?

Three, four thousand hours?

Kyle: All right. Come on, Mandy.

We should keep looking while it's still light.

We do not want to be in those neighborhoods after dark.

I got to make some calls.

This is happening over my dead body.

And these are the stories my father doesn't believe when I write home.

Hello, Mother.

Mother. It's never good when they use your full name.

You stabbed me in the back.

You called every one of those landlords and complained about how everything had broken down.

Dad's got a bum knee, you gonna throw him out, too?

No, honey. No, I'm sorry. Look, I-I just didn't want your apartment hunt to turn into another pork chop incident.

How dare you throw that back in my face.

You know it's where it hit me the first time.

Mandy, Mandy, wait, I just...

I-I just want you and Kyle to be safe.

Yeah, Mom, that's not your job. I'm not a little girl anymore.

My God, I am six feet tall.

Yeah, I know. I know, and at that last place, if I hadn't stopped you, that ceiling fan would've chopped your head right off.

You think Kyle and I can't get by without you and Dad.

- No, that's not it. No...
- Yes, it is, yes.

Y-You think that we're just these helpless,

- pathetic, beautiful children.
- Mandy.

Honey, no, I know you're not children.

Then stop treating us like one.

Like two. Like both?

We ain't children.

Man: Thanks for the chat, Mike.

(Over radio): This is A.A. .R.A. Clear in seven three.

This is K.A. .X.T.T.
Seven three.

Oh, look at that.

My favorite capitalist.

Nice boots. Perfect for jumping on the back of the proletariat.

They're fair trade faux leather boots, Mike.

And unlike your comments, cruelty-free.

- Can we talk business now?
- Yep, time is money, and I know

- how you love money.
- Can you just sign these papers?

I need your authorizations on the applications.

- I already signed these.
- No. These are different.

You signed the authorizations to get the applications.

These are supplemental clearances specific to marijuana businesses.

Boy, what a headache.

But I'm sure you've got a product for that.

I'm drowning in codes and regulations and ordinances.

Not to mention all-all these fees.

Yeah. I know, it's ridiculous.
I mean, how does the government think they know more about my business than I do?

I think what you're asking for is smaller government.

No. I just want less red tape.

Like I said, smaller government.

- Huh? Ah? Ah?
- No, I... (Stammers)

Huh?

Damn it.

Surprise!

Listen.
First, you're a capitalist.

Now you're griping about government overreach.

Pretty soon, you'll be invited to a little party.

Don't say it.

The mascot's an elephant.

(Groans) Oh, my God.

Hey, babe. What?
We going to lunch?

Oh, and have people wait on us? No!

Are you having fun?

More fun than playing polo and slapping the help.

Thank you for bringing my lunch, dolly.

Mm-hmm. You know, uh, this is really torturing him.
Can you just cut him a break?

You kidding? He's been giving me grief for years for being a corporate monster.

This is payback, with interest, because I'm a great businessman.

- Exactly. Yes.
- Right, right.

You built Outdoor Man into a huge chain and...

- Perfect.
- ...never once stopped caring for every single employee.

You run your business with integrity.

- Oh, man.
- (Chuckles)

Going after my ego, aren't you?

- Mm.
- You're out for blood.

(Chuckles)

You are also a great father and don't like seeing your daughter unhappy, so I know that you'll do the right thing and explain to Ryan that he can be a-a great, successful businessman without turning into the Monopoly guy.

- Hmm?
- Fine.

- I'll tell him.
- Okay.

While I'm hunting humans on my private island.

Man, the most dangerous prey.

So, I've been thinking about this... unpleasantness with Mandy.

And I think it's important to remember you had good intentions.

Aw, thanks, Jen. I'll, uh... I'll try to hold on to that.

What I mean is, they say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

And they are right.

I love that we are getting comfortable enough with each other that I can tell you to get out.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi, hi.

Mm. How are you doing?

- Not great.
- Oh?

- No. Mm.
- What's up?

Mandy and I had a disagreement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I did hear about that.

She texted me all about it, but autocorrect wouldn't let her swear.

Well, she's overreacting.

I mean, I was being a good mom by trying to make sure any place they found was safe.

Jen was just complimenting my intentions.

Well, we certainly wouldn't want them moving into a horrible place next to a liquor store with no heat and bikers living upstairs.

That was our first place.
(Chuckles)

The one on Leetsdale. Yeah.

An apartment so bad they gave us a security deposit.

Listen, uh, we liked that place, at least for one reason, right?

We kept saying to each other, "We've got to get out of this place." Right?

Listen, and we did, we got out of that place, we moved on.

I don't want Mandy living in a place like that.

I'm not as comfortable as you are with letting our kids take risks.

I'm not comfortable with them taking risks, but that's why we had three.

This is not helping.

Okay. How about this?

Let's say we can find the safest place in Denver,

I mean % safe, even if we had to kick in some rent.

Well, uh, no, how are we gonna find that? Uh...

Even if we could do that, do you think that's the answer to this problem?

(Stoner voice): Hey, dude.

Downstairs, they said the real dope is upstairs.

I think the real dope just walked in the door. Hey-o!

(Normal voice): Listen, I got a little bad news for you.

Well, I'm already a capitalist and a Republican.

What, did you found out that I'm related to Ted Cruz?

He is Canadian.

No, I got a notice from the city, and your clearances were rejected. Sorry.

Yeah. Well, doesn't matter anyway, because I'd have to do so many upgrades to comply with city code that I would never get any of my money back, and seeing as how money is the only thing that matters to me now, it's a no-go.

Oh, you're really getting worked up about this, aren't you?

'Cause I don't know who I am anymore, Mike.

Right there. Calm down.

I used to care about people, okay?

And now all I care about is moolah, scratch, dinero, the cheddar.

You must like it 'cause you got a lot of pet names for it.

Okay, uh, listen, there might be another way to go.

You could go ahead and do the expansion, and just, uh, take your chances, huh?

No, I can't. That's illegal.

Only if you get caught.

And what's the worst that could happen?

They would pull my permit and all my employees would be out of work, and I'm not gonna do that.

Because you care about employees.

Yes. You're right. I care.

They're my employees, and I am gonna take care of them.

So you're not the Monopoly man. Okay? Not all businessmen are.

You know, it's possible to make money and still have a conscience.

Yeah, but for so long I thought the two were mutually exclusive.

That's because for so long you just had one of those.

Caring only about profits is the easy way, but you've never done anything the easy way.

I think that's a compliment.

Listen, there might be a way to make money on this space and still help people.

Okay. How?

Well, this whole block here is zoned live-work, and this used to be an apartment.

Do you think someone wants to live up here?

I think I might know a young couple that's looking for a little fixer-upper.

Yeah, well, it would be nice to do somebody some good.

- Yeah.
- And I could charge a little bit less than fair market value, and I don't even care if the rent's a little late because, like, I'm a cool landlord.

(Chuckles) You're a cool landlord.

And a capitalist.

Maybe. But, you know, you're showing an awful lot of concern for the little guy, the needy, the disadvantaged. You know what that makes you?

Late for my shareholder meeting.

Mascot's a donkey.

Looks like a jackass to me.

Mike: With a little work, there's plenty of room for all your equipment.

I mean, the rent's right, and I'm... I think your landlord probably self-imposed rent control.

So, what do you think?

I don't know, Dad.

We were looking for someplace that's safer.

You, uh, have anything in a plastic bubble?

Mandy, I think you should take it.

- You mean it?
- I do, I do, and I'm happy for both of you.

Excuse me.

She didn't seem very happy.

I'd better talk to her.

No, babe.

I'll handle it.

A plastic bubble might be fun.

Hamsters always seem happy.

Mom?

I... No, I was checking e-mail. I swear I wasn't calling anyone.

Look, I just wanted to make sure you're okay with this.

Mandy, come here. Sit down, sit down.

Honey, I owe you an apology.

I-I shouldn't have interfered the way I did in your apartment hunt.

No, you shouldn't have. I'm not a kid anymore.

No, you're an adult, and, um... and that's really been my problem.

What do you mean?

I-I-I always knew that one day you would move out.

I-I was prepared for that, as your mother, but then this past year we spent all this time together.

And you are this terrific, terrific person, and I have loved hanging out with you.

(Chuckles)

I-I feel like we've become more than mother and daughter.

We've become, uh...

- We've become friends.
- Friends.

Yeah. Yeah, really, really good friends.

It's just...it's hard for me to watch you go. It's...

I love hanging out with you, too.

Okay? And I'm not gonna let that go just because I live somewhere else.

- Mm, well, I hope not.
- No.

Besides, you're gonna be at my place all the time.

Yeah.

You're gonna be putting in shelf paper and organizing the spices and... everything else that I need my mommy for.

Oh, you better believe I'll be there.

I mean, um, is-is that gonna be okay?

Yeah, more than okay.

Better than okay?

We cool.

Um, is it okay if I ask Ryan if he's checked for radon?

Mom.

Yeah, right, right, right, no.

That's, um... that's why we had three.

What?

Uh... just something your dad said.

Okay, now, as soon as the chicken breasts are brown,

- then you flip them.
- Yeah, I can't do that.

- (Gasps) I think it moved.
- Oh, no, no, no. It didn't move.

It didn't move. You can do it, you can do it. Listen. Honey.

Forget about the pork chop fiasco.

- Okay.
- Okay, just-just-just do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm flipping the chicken.

- Okay. All right, okay.
- (Yelps)

- I did it! (Squealing)
- You did it! Yay!

All right, all right, all right, now pour on the sauce.

- No, I'm afraid to.
- Yeah. No, look, look, look, it's not gonna burst into flames.

That's the mistake we made with the tequila chicken.

- Just pour it on, pour it on.
- Okay, okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good. There you go.

(Both chuckle)

All right, all right.
Here. Okay.

Cover the pan, and, uh, voilà.

- minutes, you have dinner.
- Okay. Okay.

(Exhales) Well, how do we know when minutes is up?

Do we have a timer?

Well, in a way, uh, minutes is, hmm, give or take, half a glass of wine.

Well, wouldn't that depend on the size of the glass

- and how big the minutes are?
- Honey. Drink the wine.